Occupation: housewife?

[E B]

I live in the mentality that if I can work in some capacity, I will. I cannot imagine EVER being a "housewife" or a "stay-at-home mom" . I like checks to come in MY NAME. I don't even want to be that woman who sneaks shopping past her husband or is afriand to tell him of my newest acquisition. I don't want anyone resenting me when costs go up or I want something that he may think is nonsense.

Goodness, Sizzle. I don't know who you know that must do this, but I certainly don't. Even when I wasn't working from home, my husband's money was our family's money. Had he felt differently, well...he wouldn't be my husband.

 

[lizzyann]

Sizzle--It's interesting that you equate staying at home with having to justify your spending or sneak things past your husband because you don't have any of your "own" money. I think some couples probably handle it that way, but I imagine that there are SAHMs who are married to men who treat their money as "their" money, regardless of who earned it. Isn't it interesting how different couples handle things like this? Perhaps the women who are most satisfied staying at home are also married to men who view them as equals in the relationship, regardless of their income or lack thereof.

Haha to identifying with Vicki on Real Housewives. She was definitely a hard worker, and I respect her for that, but she so disdainful of people who didn't work that she came across as being arrogant (or overly proud?) at times, too, which you do not seem to be AT ALL.

Yssie--You make a good point about not being able to earn a living after years of being out of work. I guess that's why so many single income families are so careful to live within their means and save whatever they can. It's definitely a balancing act, that's for sure.

Haven and Sizzle, yeah I actually laughed when Sizzle mentioned hiding purchases from my husband. He's actually the one that encourages me to buy stuff! I would never need to or feel like I had to hide purchases from him. We are equals and all of our possessions, savings, bills, investments, are "ours". We discuss major purchases before we each purchase something. When we bought our home, we made sure that we could afford it on one salary not because I planned on being a SAHM but because we knew that it was always going to be a possibility that one of us could lose our jobs along the way and I think we were smart by doing this as it allowed for me to be able to stay at home when the time came.

I do miss working but not for the work itself but more for the contact with others. I will most likely do something part time at some point but for now I keep busy with play groups, little ones library time, trips to the zoo, to grandmas, mommy and me swim class, etc. Plus I make time for myself by taking zumba weekly and having dinners with girlfriends monthly. Being a SAHM works for me, but I give working moms so much credit for their balancing act! I think I would be so overwhelmed if I had work in my daily mix.

Hmm...why laugh? I don't doubt for one minute that there are women out there who are housewives that have to hide the purchases they make from their husband. I don't think that is a silly thing to say or hypothesize. I also don't doubt for a minute that there are husbands who encourage their wives who are housewives to spend the money on what they want.

I find it funny because my husband is just the opposite. I tend to be more conservative about my purchases and he is constantly like "you should get this or that". He makes me laugh about it sometimes. I'm like "no, make me!" Hiding purchases is just something that I would not ever do or need to do with him around! I feel bad for women if they stay at home and feel like they have to hide things from their husband. I don't think I would be happy if I was a SAHM and felt like my hubby was watching my purchases with an eagle eye. Maybe if I was a shopoholic or something, I'd understand!!! Which I'm not! I agree with Haven on her comment "Perhaps the women who are most satisfied staying at home are also married to men who view them as equals in the relationship, regardless of their income or lack thereof." If he didn't treat me as an equal I would be very unhappy being at home you know? In my relationship I truly feel that even though I don't earn money for our family, I give/earn in other ways that's all. Everyone has different situations and reasons why they feel certain ways about things. For me, this is what works! For someone else, it may not. They do what works for them and that's ok too!

 

[MarquiseGirl]

I too am a "housewife", I absolutely hate that word so I refer to myself as a "Domestic Engineer" or a "Domestic Goddess". I stayed home with my older children until they were 14 and 10 years old, then I went back to work in retail management. A few months later I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd child so I quit my job right before the baby was born. I want to be the one there as my children reach their milestones in life, I don't want to miss a thing with them. I can always get another job but I only get one shot at raising my children and that to me is the most important thing I will EVER do in my lifetime. My life is not for every woman, and God bless those that work outside of the home all the while taking care of their families (I found that to be exhausting), my hat is off to you. My husband and I just feel that right now this is where I belong, and I certainly wouldn't want to miss this ride for anything in the world.

 

[steph72276]

Yeah, Ditto Haven & EB. I have stayed at home for going on 4 years now, and I have never once had to hide a purchase from my husband (except for birthday or Christmas gifts for a few days so they would be a surprise). But then again, my husband sees my contribution to the family and treats me as an equal no matter what kind of paycheck I do or do not bring home. I wouldn't have married a man that only treated me as a partner if I made a certain amount of money.

 

[soocool]

I consider myself a SAHM, not quite a housewife, with 1 kid (age 17). While I have been a SAHM, I have been a nurse, a taxi service, a cook, a lawn service, a cleaning service, and so much more without a paycheck. My DH and I did the math before DD was born and decided that it was in our best financial interest for one of us to stay home. Based on earning potential I opted to leave,however, in between I have gone back to work pt, working the hours that suited me. Now I consult and choose when I want to work. DD is old enough that I can do this.

So whether or not a paycheck is earned, stay at home or not, we all do important work. Those who work envy me and many of my friends who are stay at home envy the women who go to work.IMO, each type of "career choice" carries its own challenges and rewards.

 

[JSM]

I grew up being very judgmental of housewives and SAHMs. I got this attitude from my mother, a pediatric nurse, who seemed to have disparaging comments about her SIL (my aunt) when she quit her high paying banking job to stay home and be a mother. I realize now that a lot of it was jealousy. My mom worked many nights and weekends just so we could have a roof over our heads, meanwhile my aunt had the "luxury" of quitting her six figure salary (that both my parents combined don't come close to) to stay at home. My mother hated working, but did so our family could survive, and she would have LOVED to stay home and be a mother.

Now that I am older I see this, and I completely understand my aunt's choice. I don't know if I will be able to ever afford to stay at home, but I would really love to have the OPTION. Really daycare costs would be about 70%+ of my current salary, but that 30% is important!

I can't judge other people for their choices, especially if I haven't walked in their shoes.

 

[packrat]

I'm not a full time SAHM, I worked part time when the kids came, taking 8 weeks off w/London and 3 weeks with Trapper. I only work 10 hours a week now, more if I fill in. The most guff I get is from women who stayed home full time w/their kids when they were little and went back to work when the kids were close to teen years. If I don't want to or can't fill in, they are the ones who raise the biggest fuss about it. The ones w/no kids or who have kids but would rather be home, are the ones who shrug and say "If I could be home, I'd do it too, I don't blame you for wanting to be with them"

If I could stay home full time, I would. I would like to find something to do that I enjoy when Trapper starts school in a couple years.

I'm busy here with the kids, cooking, cleaning, yard work, errands..um..looking at gems and jewelry too haha. But, I'm on call 24/7. I don't get time off to go do things by myself or sick days. We've always worked opposite shifts, purposely, so that when we had kids, needing someone to help watch them would be kept to a minimum, and we don't do daycare. The time away from my kids isn't worth it. I've never been a career girl.

I don't make much per hour, but we get free medical care for the 4 of us, and that's a nice benefit. By being home, it's not a big deal when they change JD's hours, or if he wants to go hunting etc, he can just pick up and go.

If I want something, like a stone or new clothes or..well, anything for "myself", I talk to him about it, ask what his thoughts are on it. I don't run off and do it, I don't hide it, and I don't beg. He doesn't make me feel like since I don't contribute a lot financially that I can't spend any of the finances. He encourages me to get things for myself, finances allowing of course.

It'ss not common here to be a SAHM unless you are on welfare. That sounds mean, but it's true. For *this* area. For regular working joe's like us, it's more common to have the mom work part time (or full time) than be SAH. Housewives around here are the wives of the wealthy business owners in town. It's a status thing here.

Whatever floats your boat and works for your family is what you should do. It isn't anyone else's business how other people run their households. (a point I try to get across to coworkers but alas..some people like to stand in front of their glass houses and throw stones)

 

[steph72276]

Also, I always find it a bit humorous when I hear people say they will "never" do something well before they're in the actual situation. And I say humorous, because I was that person that said they would "never" want to be a SAHM. In fact, I can still remember a conversation with my BFF and college roommate in which I said "why would I work my butt off for a degree and then not work?" and she said something to the effect of she had always dreamed of being a SAHM. Well, fast forward 9-10 years later, and I am the SAHM and she works! That is because you never know what life will bring you. You never know if you will have a change of heart and find yourself not wanting to leave your child at daycare or with a nanny or if you always thought you would stay at home and then find you are going nuts and need to return to work for your sanity. Over the years I have learned that the only thing you can say never to is that you never know what life will bring.

 

[Autumnovember]

I too am a "housewife", I absolutely hate that word so I refer to myself as a "Domestic Engineer" or a "Domestic Goddess".

I like that

 

[Autumnovember]

Also, I always find it a bit humorous when I hear people say they will "never" do something well before they're in the actual situation. And I say humorous, because I was that person that said they would "never" want to be a SAHM. In fact, I can still remember a conversation with my BFF and college roommate in which I said "why would I work my butt off for a degree and then not work?" and she said something to the effect of she had always dreamed of being a SAHM. Well, fast forward 9-10 years later, and I am the SAHM and she works! That is because you never know what life will bring you. You never know if you will have a change of heart and find yourself not wanting to leave your child at daycare or with a nanny or if you always thought you would stay at home and then find you are going nuts and need to return to work for your sanity. Over the years I have learned that the only thing you can say never to is that you never know what life will bring.

I agree with you to an extent. Of course what you have said can be applied to all aspect of life. However, there are things that some people are completely certain of in my opinion. Not being a SAHM is one thing I am *certain* of. Nothing wrong with that, and nothing wrong with anyone who does choose to be. It is a choice made for various reasons for each individual. I am 100% certain that I will NOT be a housewife because I fully understand what mine and my SO's goals are. Those goals include duel incomes. So yes, while there are so many things in life that really are uncertain, there are also some things in life that indeed are certain.

 

[Shoopy]

Also, I always find it a bit humorous when I hear people say they will "never" do something well before they're in the actual situation. And I say humorous, because I was that person that said they would "never" want to be a SAHM. In fact, I can still remember a conversation with my BFF and college roommate in which I said "why would I work my butt off for a degree and then not work?" and she said something to the effect of she had always dreamed of being a SAHM. Well, fast forward 9-10 years later, and I am the SAHM and she works! That is because you never know what life will bring you. You never know if you will have a change of heart and find yourself not wanting to leave your child at daycare or with a nanny or if you always thought you would stay at home and then find you are going nuts and need to return to work for your sanity. Over the years I have learned that the only thing you can say never to is that you never know what life will bring.

Ditto this 100%

I was also someone who was very certain of what I wanted out of life. I went to college just so that I could never be in the position that my mother was in when my father passed away. I didn't understand why anyone would choose to stay at home if they were healthy enough to work. I even got into an argument with my former roommate over this. We were both, at the time, pre-law and she made a comment about being a SAHM until her (future) children were in school. I went How could anyone go through so many years of school and then decide to stay home. Makes no sense.

Then I had a child I would give anything to stay home. I really would. I love my career. Love my place of employment. My coworkers and I are all good friends and hang out with each other after work and on the weekends. But none of it is worth leaving my daughter every day. Difference is I don't have a choice so I make it work. Our early mornings, evenings, and weekends are jam packed with awesomeness

 

[lizzyann]

Also, I always find it a bit humorous when I hear people say they will "never" do something well before they're in the actual situation. And I say humorous, because I was that person that said they would "never" want to be a SAHM. In fact, I can still remember a conversation with my BFF and college roommate in which I said "why would I work my butt off for a degree and then not work?" and she said something to the effect of she had always dreamed of being a SAHM. Well, fast forward 9-10 years later, and I am the SAHM and she works! That is because you never know what life will bring you. You never know if you will have a change of heart and find yourself not wanting to leave your child at daycare or with a nanny or if you always thought you would stay at home and then find you are going nuts and need to return to work for your sanity. Over the years I have learned that the only thing you can say never to is that you never know what life will bring.

I agree with you to an extent. Of course what you have said can be applied to all aspect of life. However, there are things that some people are completely certain of in my opinion. Not being a SAHM is one thing I am *certain* of. Nothing wrong with that, and nothing wrong with anyone who does choose to be. It is a choice made for various reasons for each individual. I am 100% certain that I will NOT be a housewife because I fully understand what mine and my SO's goals are. Those goals include duel incomes. So yes, while there are so many things in life that really are uncertain, there are also some things in life that indeed are certain.

I think certain things people can definitely be certain of but I wonder if down the road your soon to be hubby (your e-ring is beautiful btw!) ended up getting to a point in his career that he made more than enough money for you to stay home and accomplish your life goals financially, do you think you would possibly stay at home? So say you could stay at home with your children AND have all of your wants met, would you do it? Or do you feel you are just not cut out for being a SAHM? I think that is kind of what FL steph means in that you may be certain, but then what if circumstances changed. I never thought I would be a SAHM as I was a career woman making a nice paycheck but my husband has advanced in his career and makes a great living. We have nice things, take vacations, have savings, and I have the opportunity to stay home at the same time.

 

[steph72276]

Also, I always find it a bit humorous when I hear people say they will "never" do something well before they're in the actual situation. And I say humorous, because I was that person that said they would "never" want to be a SAHM. In fact, I can still remember a conversation with my BFF and college roommate in which I said "why would I work my butt off for a degree and then not work?" and she said something to the effect of she had always dreamed of being a SAHM. Well, fast forward 9-10 years later, and I am the SAHM and she works! That is because you never know what life will bring you. You never know if you will have a change of heart and find yourself not wanting to leave your child at daycare or with a nanny or if you always thought you would stay at home and then find you are going nuts and need to return to work for your sanity. Over the years I have learned that the only thing you can say never to is that you never know what life will bring.

I agree with you to an extent. Of course what you have said can be applied to all aspect of life. However, there are things that some people are completely certain of in my opinion. Not being a SAHM is one thing I am *certain* of. Nothing wrong with that, and nothing wrong with anyone who does choose to be. It is a choice made for various reasons for each individual. I am 100% certain that I will NOT be a housewife because I fully understand what mine and my SO's goals are. Those goals include duel incomes. So yes, while there are so many things in life that really are uncertain, there are also some things in life that indeed are certain.

I think it's awesome to have life planned out the way you would like it to go, and that is great that you know what you want in life. But I stand by my statement that there are just too many variables that could come up to say never. What if your child is born with a severe illness that requires round the clock attention? What if you lose your job at 6 months pregnant and no one will hire you? It is awesome to have goals and plans, but sometimes life happens and things change.

ETA: I wasn't directing my first comments at you, I was actually just thinking back to a time when I thought I would "never" stay at home

 

[NovemberBride]

I do not judge those who choose to stay at home, whether or not they have children, just as I hope they do not judge me for choosing to work. I generally am a big proponent of live and let live. Each family needs to do what works for them. I do wish that the US had more liberal maternity leave policies, as it was hard to go back to work when DD was only 12 weeks old. I choose to work, although we could live on DH's salary alone because I truly love what I do and it will enable me to provide many opportunities to DD (education, travel, etc) that would be out of reach if I did not work. I think kids can benefit from a working mom, just as they can benefit from a stay at home mom. My mom was a SAHM and I have the utmost respect for her. I have said many times that being a SAHM is much more difficult on many levels than my job (I am an attorney). I wish that every woman got to choose, as I know that for many it is not a choice.

As an aside to all those who stay at home - it is a pet peeve of mine, and frankly an insult to working moms when you say that you don't work because you don't want someone else to raise your kids. DH and I both work full-time and I assure you that we are the ones raising our daughter. Yes, she is in daycare while we are at work. But we are the ones with her in the morning, evenings and all weekend. We are the ones who make all of the decisions about her upbringing. I am curious, when your children are in school all day (about the equivalent of an 8 hour workday), will you then feel that someone else is raising your kids?

 

[Autumnovember]

Also, I always find it a bit humorous when I hear people say they will "never" do something well before they're in the actual situation. And I say humorous, because I was that person that said they would "never" want to be a SAHM. In fact, I can still remember a conversation with my BFF and college roommate in which I said "why would I work my butt off for a degree and then not work?" and she said something to the effect of she had always dreamed of being a SAHM. Well, fast forward 9-10 years later, and I am the SAHM and she works! That is because you never know what life will bring you. You never know if you will have a change of heart and find yourself not wanting to leave your child at daycare or with a nanny or if you always thought you would stay at home and then find you are going nuts and need to return to work for your sanity. Over the years I have learned that the only thing you can say never to is that you never know what life will bring.

I agree with you to an extent. Of course what you have said can be applied to all aspect of life. However, there are things that some people are completely certain of in my opinion. Not being a SAHM is one thing I am *certain* of. Nothing wrong with that, and nothing wrong with anyone who does choose to be. It is a choice made for various reasons for each individual. I am 100% certain that I will NOT be a housewife because I fully understand what mine and my SO's goals are. Those goals include duel incomes. So yes, while there are so many things in life that really are uncertain, there are also some things in life that indeed are certain.

I think it's awesome to have life planned out the way you would like it to go, and that is great that you know what you want in life. But I stand by my statement that there are just too many variables that could come up to say never. What if your child is born with a severe illness that requires round the clock attention? What if you lose your job at 6 months pregnant and no one will hire you? It is awesome to have goals and plans, but sometimes life happens and things change.

I'm not saying that everything in life goes according to plan...that would just be silly and foolish. In fact, my life has been completely different than what I had planned out for myself all along. However, there have been some things in my life that I made sure would go through the way I needed it to, obstacles and all.

 

[packrat]

Speaking only for myself, I don't feel when London started Kindergarten and was gone 8-3 that her teacher was raising her. I felt her teacher was teaching her. London has to either go to school or be home schooled when she turned 5/6. At say, age 18 months or 3 years, she wasn't required to go to school 7 hours a day 5 days a week. When she was little like that I *would* have felt that I was never around and someone else was raising her if I worked full time. *I* would have felt that way. That's not a slight on any other working parent in the whole entire world, it's how *I* would have felt. Doesn't mean that it is *true*, obviously a daycare provider isn't paying the bills and making major decisions in someone else's child's life, but to some mom's, including myself, being away from their kids *feels* like it. If I only got to see my kids a few hours a night M-F and the weekends all year long, *I* would feel like I had little control over their lives. But that's *me*. The ones who see your kids several hours a day help shape them.

Regular 9-5 M-F parents see their kids WAY more than JD gets to see his, working 2nd shift. If I didn't work Wednesdays so that JD takes London to school, during the school year, he would tuck her in Sunday night and then not see her again until the following Saturday morning, except on holidays or snow days. It tears him up inside. And, he works a lot of weekends, so there are plenty of times that he has a few hours w/her Sat/Sun, and that's IT. So yeah, I see where people are coming from when they don't like to hear "other people raising my kids" but every situation is different, and everyone feels/experiences things differently, and in some situations depending on work shifts available, it really is like someone else raising your kids. There are a LOT of parents working 2nd/3rd shift at the pack-they see their kids when they can. We do what we have to do, and that goes for working and SAH parents.

 

[rockzilla]

This is a really tough question for me. I am currently midway through a 2-year, full-time MBA program at one of the top-ranked Business Schools in the U.S. While I am generally in favor of individuals choosing their own path and doing what makes them happy, a recent statistic I heard really bothered me.

In my program, under 40% of the participants are women. A study that was recently done showed that, (I can't remember if it was 5 years or 10 years) after graduation, less than half of the women graduates were working full-time, for pay. These women are the top-of-the top in terms of academic acheivement, ambition, and business talent. It costs well over $100,000 to give each of us this elite education. Each spot at my school will give the person who accepts it incredible opportunities and a network for the rest of their life. As much as I want to say I respect their decisions, I honestly can't help but think, "what a waste" -- waste of talent, education, etc. However, our current system has been designed (primarily by employers) and set up such that there is no sustainable way for these women to contribute and continue to be high-acheivers while having a family. The system is set up for either: a) childless man or woman or b) man with children and a stay-at-home wife. That's the reality.

I have spoken to several women alums from the classes of the 70s/80s whose children are now grown. They urged us to keep working -- if not full time, in some capacity, rather than dropping out of the labor pool completely. I remember one woman saying, "Yes, your children will need you. But you're not nearly as important to them as you'd like to believe." I don't think she meant to denigrate the role of mother at all, but more to remind us that kids will NOT fall apart if they happen to go to daycare or have gradnma pick them up after school, and even emphasizing the idea that having a mom that works is beneficial in terms of setting a positive example of women being sucessful and equal members of the workforce.

On an unrelated, and entirely practical note, I think its somewhat ill-advised to let one's professional/business skills atrophy over a long period. Marriages end, either through divorce or death, more frequently than we'd like to believe, and I think one should always feel like they would have the ability to support themself and their children if absoluitely necessary. I'm coming from the view of a professional woman -- I suppose if you've never had a real "career" as such before dropping out of the labor force, there's not as much to lose.

 

[Autumnovember]

Also, I always find it a bit humorous when I hear people say they will "never" do something well before they're in the actual situation. And I say humorous, because I was that person that said they would "never" want to be a SAHM. In fact, I can still remember a conversation with my BFF and college roommate in which I said "why would I work my butt off for a degree and then not work?" and she said something to the effect of she had always dreamed of being a SAHM. Well, fast forward 9-10 years later, and I am the SAHM and she works! That is because you never know what life will bring you. You never know if you will have a change of heart and find yourself not wanting to leave your child at daycare or with a nanny or if you always thought you would stay at home and then find you are going nuts and need to return to work for your sanity. Over the years I have learned that the only thing you can say never to is that you never know what life will bring.

I agree with you to an extent. Of course what you have said can be applied to all aspect of life. However, there are things that some people are completely certain of in my opinion. Not being a SAHM is one thing I am *certain* of. Nothing wrong with that, and nothing wrong with anyone who does choose to be. It is a choice made for various reasons for each individual. I am 100% certain that I will NOT be a housewife because I fully understand what mine and my SO's goals are. Those goals include duel incomes. So yes, while there are so many things in life that really are uncertain, there are also some things in life that indeed are certain.

I think certain things people can definitely be certain of but I wonder if down the road your soon to be hubby (your e-ring is beautiful btw!) ended up getting to a point in his career that he made more than enough money for you to stay home and accomplish your life goals financially, do you think you would possibly stay at home? So say you could stay at home with your children AND have all of your wants met, would you do it? Or do you feel you are just not cut out for being a SAHM? I think that is kind of what FL steph means in that you may be certain, but then what if circumstances changed. I never thought I would be a SAHM as I was a career woman making a nice paycheck but my husband has advanced in his career and makes a great living. We have nice things, take vacations, have savings, and I have the opportunity to stay home at the same time.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being a housewife. I think being a housewife IS a job in itself and it isn't this "easy" thing like people so often think it is. The problem with us, is that SO works 15 hours a day that are long and hard. He has been supporting me completely while I finish schooling. I feel as though it is my responsibility to go ahead with my career choice so that I can alleviate the total working hours he has to put into a day. I would really really love to start working and give my SO the ability to work a 8 hour job. I want him him to come home at normal hours and have a few hours to himself each day. He doesn't have that luxury right now and we both know that when I start working and bringing in money it will enable to him to come home at normal hours instead of 2 AM every day. If I could stay home and have all of my needs met AND his (which means him coming home at normal hours and not working like a dog) then yes, maybe I would. There are many many things in life that I'm interested in. I could think of a million different things I would do if I'd be a stay at home mom (in regards to opening a business or something). At the same time though, I'm not sure if being a SAHM is exactly for me. I can't say it is or is not until I actually had to do it. For my sister, she left work for a long time to be a SAHM...and it ended up driving her stir crazy. She needed to be at work. So I think it is different for everyone in terms of being cut out for it. I'm still young so I do understand that there is so much more for me to learn and experience and understand. I am very very passionate about the field I'm going into because I know I'll be making positive changes in the lives of my patients, which is extremely important for me at this point in my life. Maybe down the road it will be a different story and being a housewife will be in the cards for us but right now it's very very far from that..

I hope I didn't ramble

 

[zoebartlett]

Yssie--You make a good point about not being able to earn a living after years of being out of work. I guess that's why so many single income families are so careful to live within their means and save whatever they can. It's definitely a balancing act, that's for sure.

Yssie and Haven, that's exactly one of the things I'm so afraid of if we do have kids some day and if I do decide to stay home. It's so hard to get teaching positions at times, and I can imagine that it would be difficult to keep up with the latest philosophies of teaching. I'd be afraid that I wouldn't be marketable. I know quite a few women who taught, had kids and stayed home for years, then had a heck of a time finding a position. That would be really frustrating.

 

[oobiecoo]

I think women should have the choice to be a homemaker without any judgement. HOWEVER, I don't think that should include sitting on your butt all day and doing nothing to contribute to the household. I know a couple of housewives who don't clean, don't manage the finances/affairs of the family, barely manage to put a meal on the table most nights, and don't volunteer or do any charity work.

Housewife doesn't equal LAZY.


Also, to what Sizzle said about hiding purchases- This also seems to be an issue for married couples where both spouses work... not just for stay-at-home-wives/moms. It really depends on the type of relationship you have. DH and I treated his paycheck as "our" money since before we were even married. There were some times in the beginning where he would get annoyed at some of the items I purchased because we didn't have a clear budget written out but I never hid anything from him. Now we have a pretty strict budget. We each have our own "allowance" and can therefore buy whatever we want without any concern from the other. I never feel like I have to hide ANYTHING from my husband unless its a surprise/gift/etc.

 

[steph72276]

Autumn, I think it's awesome you found a career path you are passionate about! I was and am still passionate about teaching. When I go back in 4-5 years, I will still have 30+ years I can work in theory if I choose. I guess what I am saying is that roles can change...housewife today can be career woman tomorrow...career woman today can be a SAHM for a while without sacrificing her career.

 

[vespergirl]

I had a flourishing professional career as a legal marketing manager when I met my DH, but I always knew that I wanted to be a SAHM when we had kids. When I told him this early on in our relationship, he said, "I don't care if my wife ever works at all, as long as she works out every day and cooks dinner every night." He was joking, of course, but mentioned those things because he knows that running and gourmet cooking are my two favorite hobbies. He's also from the deep South, so where he's from, it's common for wives of successful men to stay home if they want, and volunteer or do philanthropic work with their time.

We both grew up with SAHMs, so we both assumed that I would stay home when we had kids since we could comfortable afford it. However, he also knows that I really want to get my Master's and go back to work when our youngest is in first grade, and totally supports those decisions. He would also support me if I decided I wanted to go back to work tomorrow and hire a nanny, or if I never wanted to work again.

Regarding the comment about having to sneak purchases, nothing could be further from the truth in our relationship. DH highly values the work I do with our boys as a SAHM, and always calls his earnings "our money" or "the family money."

 

[sctsbride09]

Fl Steph- You are so right about changing your mind, 5 years ago if you told me I would be a housewife I wouldve had a great laugh. At the time, I was a very successful makeup artist and there is no way I couldve seen myself on the path I am now. People can and do change, for sure.

As for the hiding purchases, I would never do that to my husband and like the other housewives on here, I dont have to. My husband recognizes my contributions to our family, and would never make me explain my purchases to him or make me feel the need to hide it. That being said, we are both very frugal and have common goals for our family, so it definitely helps that we are on the same page about finances.

Also, i know people have expressed concerns about something happening to a housewifes Dh and what would they do? I can only speak for myself here,but we made sure to live so far beneath our means that if something should happen to DH, I would be able to cover us with what I am able to do for a living without touching savings. And I still offer free services a few times a year just to keep my portfoloio nice and up to date. So we would be fine. Thats one of the big reasons we have gotten so used to living frugally as opposed to the keeping up with the jonses crap.

 

[elle_chris]

While I don't have kids, based on my experience of growing up with a working mom, I just don't see myself staying home.

My mother went back to work when i was one. I was in daycare, then school and had a babysitter picked me up and stay with me until either parent got home. To me it was normal. I don't feel I missed out on anything, and both parents always made it to the important events in my life.
In fact, i learned alot from her. She's the type of woman that refuses to rely on anyone but herself (including my dad), and always wanted to make sure I was well provided for.
Working also made her very happy and that in turn made me happy. She would have miserable had she stayed home.

She was always very big on education (she has a masters in organic chemsitry), and i looked up to her for what she accomplished. In fact, I think it's very important for young girls to have a female role model in their lives that have a career they love. She helped me understand that working wasn't just something one did to survive. It made me strive to build a career I'd be happy with.

I'm very proud of my mom and can't imagine being raised any other way.

 

[Haven]

Awww, Elle--your post is so sweet. I wish your mom could see it.

I think you hit on a really critical point: Your mom was happy, and seeing her happy and fulfilled inspired you to be the same. I think that any mom who is happy with her choices, and happy with her life, and feels fulfilled will be a wonderful role model for her children, whether she's a stay-at-home mom or has a full-time job.

 

[Autumnovember]

Autumn, I think it's awesome you found a career path you are passionate about! I was and am still passionate about teaching. When I go back in 4-5 years, I will still have 30+ years I can work in theory if I choose. I guess what I am saying is that roles can change...housewife today can be career woman tomorrow...career woman today can be a SAHM for a while without sacrificing her career.

I totally agree that life never really goes according to plan...I think I should have specified that while I *do not* have kids, I won't be a stay at home wife. I would *prefer* not to when I do have kids also, but if a situation does arise (as you said, unexpected situations do happen all the time) then it is what it is, and I would do it.

 

[Sabine]

All I know is that I would not be a good housewife. I'm not a very good sahm, but I'll make it work till ds is at least in school, because I don't want to miss out on the time with him.

When I was teaching and home in the summers, I would clean, cook, manage the household more than I did while working, but it certainly wasn't enough to take up my whole day and I got really bored all the time. There's a lot more household stuff I *could* do, but it's not stuff I want to do or enjoy doing, so if I was at home all day without taking care of my LO, I would be the stereotypical lazy housewife who watched tv, played online, shopped, etc. and I'd also be bored. I learned while teaching that having the time to relax like that is nice for a while, but I get tired of it quickly.

I have a friend who was a housewife for 3 years before she got pregnant. It seemed a bit weird to me at first, but then they bought a house and she got SO into gardening, home improvements, and other projects that she was always busy. It worked for her, and that's awesome. But yeah, none of that stuff is for me.

If the time comes that ds and any future kids are in school and we're still in a financial situation where I don't need to work, if I can't find a job that I actually enjoy I think I would try to find some volunteer opportunities that were meaningful to me to keep me busy.

 

[ForteKitty]

My mom worked a lot when we were growing up. I think it made us appreciate her that much more, and our relationship with her is better than most of my friends and their mom's relationships. She never missed any performances, never forgot to pick us up, and never made us feel like we didn't matter. I think if she was around all the time, we might have gotten on each other's nerves.

Personally, I dont know if i can stay at home, esp since i dont want kids. Plus lately i've been on a gem stone binge, so the thought of having no income is scary. I dont think my SO would be okay w/ me dropping $2k/month on bling if i'm not working. Right now he can't say anything because it's my money. Then again, if i have no kids, why would i need to stay home? take care of the cats?

 

[shihtzulover]

I have nothing against SAHMs, and I have nothing against moms who choose to work. There are pros and cons to each situation, and it obviously depends upon what will work for your family, and also what your individual preferences are.

I am currently out of work. I went to school for my bachelor's degree and took pride in doing very well. I secured my first job in my field, and I didn't enjoy it at all. I think that I might have picked the wrong field, but I'm not totally sure - I may go back to school, but I am also still looking for a job that I might enjoy.

I have talked to my soon-to-be fiance about this, and he is totally supportive either way. He supported me when I wanted to leave that job, because he knew that I was unhappy and also always stressed out. He said that he will be happy regardless of whether I choose to work or not. I can be a housewife (and later a SAHM), or I can have my own career. I am not sure which I would prefer now. I would like to bring in extra money so that we can have more, but I also would like to be home to care for my children myself.

We have discussed future finances, and regardless of the job situation, all of our money will be both of ours. We will pay the bills and put some into savings, and then decide together how to spend the rest. We will also make sure that we each have an equal amount of free spending money each month (however much we have left after everything else), so that we both can buy things that we enjoy.

Also, if we ever run into a situation where we need or want more money, then we can revise our plans again later and decide the best course of action (me finding a job if I don't already have one, daycare, etc).

I know that not all people think this way, but this is what our partnership means to us.

 

[mrscushion]

I have spoken to several women alums from the classes of the 70s/80s whose children are now grown. They urged us to keep working -- if not full time, in some capacity, rather than dropping out of the labor pool completely. I remember one woman saying, "Yes, your children will need you. But you're not nearly as important to them as you'd like to believe." I don't think she meant to denigrate the role of mother at all, but more to remind us that kids will NOT fall apart if they happen to go to daycare or have grandma pick them up after school, and even emphasizing the idea that having a mom that works is beneficial in terms of setting a positive example of women being successful and equal members of the workforce.

On an unrelated, and entirely practical note, I think its somewhat ill-advised to let one's professional/business skills atrophy over a long period. Marriages end, either through divorce or death, more frequently than we'd like to believe, and I think one should always feel like they would have the ability to support themselves and their children if absolutely necessary. I'm coming from the view of a professional woman -- I suppose if you've never had a real "career" as such before dropping out of the labor force, there's not as much to lose.

Rockzilla, stats at my b-school are the same.

I would add to your point that highly skilled women who drop out of the work force completely should also consider what will happen after their children are grown and leave for college (in some cases even earlier for boarding school). When they lose the center of their attention for so many years, what will they focus on next? Some women can find a new focus in their life -- they go back to work (though at what level, after many years time-out from their careers?) or spend more time on their hobbies or on charity work, but I have seen some women that don't, and that end up feeling like they spent all their time on their children and now their kids are off going their own ways and they surely won't spend as much time thinking about their mom, and they (unwillingly) grow a bit resentful.

I am one of those women who don't believe they'll ever stop working; I come from a family of female entrepreneurs -- working women by choice. But, I also realize that having kids changes things and I recognize the possibility that I'll change my mind.

Apart from that, I say to each her own and each couple/family knows best.