Now what?

[Marlad367]

I am 33 and my boyfriend is 29. We have been dating for 2 1/2 years. We also live together (I moved from another state to be closer so that was the best for us). So here I am 2 1/2 years later wondering when we are getting engaged. His main issue has been money. He is always saying that he just does not have the money to get married and have the kind of wedding and ring that he would want to give. This will be his first marriage and my second...so I want this to be special for him. However, when do you get past the money thing? When is it just an excuse? That is what I am struggling with now. I just sent him an email telling him how I feel that we need to work together as a couple to get to where we want to be financially so that we can move on with our future.

I know that he is having financial issues (he has a young son,student loan and pays child support) also I make way more than him and i think that is an issue for him too.

I am not sure what to do. This topic is hard for both of us to discuss (he gets defensive). He has looked at rings and has told me that he wants to marry but I wonder...how long do you wait until you realize that maybe they DON''T want to get married?

it would be easier to walk if he was not my soul mate, but he is.

What to do?

 

[iwannaprettyone]

OOoohhhhh, tough one.

Fortunatley, you are not the first to encounter this type of situation. I know the my bf (who has now purchased the ring after 4 years) said the same thing about finances and an engagement ring. I think it runs alot deeper than just jewelery. Men are genetically programmed to be the bread winner and need to feel as though that are capable of taking care of a ''family''. In this day and age it is not necessarily a big problem for the woman to be the provider but a mans pride is a delicate thing.

I had to try a different approach and just back off for a while, maybe someone else can chime in here??? Good luck to you.

 

[musey]

How long has he been saying "I don't have the money"?

If it were me (and it has been), I could only tolerate that for a short amount of time. If he doesn't have the money to do it the way "he wants," then he should either (A)Be saving his pennies to do it "his way" or (B)Forget about the "right way" and do it "the way that works."

When my FI and I had that classic LIW talk, he said it was an issue of money. He said that he knew what I wanted, and knew he couldn't give it to me in his current financial state (speaking of a ring, here). However, it wasn't like he was saving up for it, either! He was expecting to just be able to throw down his credit card (or checkbook, or whatever) without any forward thinking (and without any contribution from me). So I communicated to him my much more reasonable expectations (as compared to what he expected me to expect), and we came up with an understanding of how to achieve the engagement/wedding/marriage that would make both of us happy. Three months later we were engaged!

That wasn't as concise as I'd hoped, but do you get the idea?

I guess if it were me, I would ask what he plans to DO about the money issue. Is he just going to wallow in the fact that his salary isn't as high as he wants, forever wishing that he could afford you/a ring/a wedding? Or is he going to DO something about it??? That means either saving, or adjusting his (or both of your) expectations to a more realistic level.

ETA: As far as not having enough money to be married... that's ridiculous, especially if both parties are working (which you are). With all expenses shared, plus the tax breaks that come from marriage, it really is only inherently cheaper to be married. Sure there are things that generally accompany marriage (*AHEM*kids*AHEM) that add to expenses, but marriage in and of itself is not an expensive arrangement.

Okay, off soapbox.

 

[Marlad367]

Thnak you both for your advice. It is true about the "I don''t have money thing" ..it''s getting old and in my email I told him just that so I hope that we are able to come to some understanding soon. I would hate to leave him but I am not looking to do the ten year thing (I am alrady in my 30''s so if I want kids i need to get movin).

 

[bee*]

Yeah I agree with the others-if he doesn''t have the money, what is he doing about it. Hopefully you can sit down with him and get his opinion and maybe try and get a timeline. Best of luck!