Not having kids...telling the family

[blondie23]

steph-- I agree that my FMIL in law would be crushed (as would my mom) and yes I may change my mind someday, but I have felt from a very young age that I wasn''t meant to have children. It''s just now hitting me of how this will affect my FI''s family and my own. I am ok with my decision but I hope they are too. And even if I do change my mind, the issue isn''t really if we want them or not but why do people feel it is necessary to constantly ask people the "when" question without having any idea of that person''s personal situation?

Also, the number 23 in my name refers to my favorite number and not my age...although I wish I was 23 again

 

[KimberlyH]

Hi Blondie,

I admire your self-awareness, as well as your fiance''s and I''m so sorry that your family and his feel they have any right to be disappointed, angry, upset, hurt, or any other negative feeling because you and your soon-to-be husband are making a choice about what is best and right for you as a couple.

My husband and I are still on the fence regarding children, and have recieved no pressure from my parents about children, but my mom was really pressing my sister, who has a 2 year old, to have another child. My sister told me it really bothered her that our mom was doing this, but she is quite passive so she just put up with it. I felt really bad for my sister and so I had a conversation about why she felt the need to push my siste r; she shared her reasons (she thinks all kids should have siblings and wants another grandbaby

). I told her I respected her feelings and I was sure my sister does too, but that she needs to remember she has no idea what goes on behind closed doors and my sister and her husband may have reasons that are very personal for not wanting to have more kids and for her to push her beliefs on them was cruel and selfish. My mom has never brought it up again, and I am so proud of her.

My point in this rambling is to ask if there is anyone who would be willing to serve as your voice of reason to your mothers? Someone woh could explain to them, very kindly, that there are aspects of your relationship that are no one''s business, including this decision, and in their attempts to satisfy their own needs, grandchildren, on you they are being very disrespectful to you and your relationship.

 

[blondie23]

Kiim-- seriously! what a great idea! i like the idea of finding someone who could be a voice of reason because I feel like no matter what we say (or don''t say and avoid instead) it will never be forgotten so having our families hear from someone else is a good thing and I think for my side of the family my step sister would be good...still thinking on my FIs side.

Thanks again for your input!

 

[KimberlyH]

Blondie,

I hope it helps, even if only a little. I can understand why someone would want grandchildren, but I can''t understand why any parent would hold it against their child for making a decision that is best for them, isn''t that what parenting is all about: raising people who are wise, know themselves, and make good choices? I would think a parent would be proud, for raising a self-aware human being, not disappointed.

Good luck to you!

~K

 

[rainydaze]

Date: 11/7/2007 10:18:36 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
It certainly is no one''s business. But I will say that over the years, people sometimes do change their minds. My sister had her first and only baby at 40. We said we had our two by age 30 and never wanted any more so my husband had a vasectomy. But at 40 we adopted a baby girl from China.

So my advice is, if people ask, tell them you have no plans like that in the forseeable future. No one knows for sure how they will feel in 10 or 20 years. The only way I''d make an absolute statement is if you know for sure that you cannot have children (as in permanent sterilization).

i like that approach, it is direct and answers their question politely without starting a war. yet it leaves it open-ended (at least to them, i understand - and respect - that you know where you stand with having children) such that they might lay off for at least a little while.

there is also ''if and when we decide to have children, certainly you will be amoung the first to know.'' that sort of answers their question and puts them in their place, and might appease them until at least the wedding. then once they bring it up again, emphasize the ''IF'' and hope they get the message.

i''m sorry for the pressure and inconsideration they are subjecting you to. *sigh* you are in a tough spot and i feel for you, best wishes to you in dealing with it.

 

[Rhea]

I''m the oldest of 2 with my sister not being partnered and not likely to have children within the next 5 years at least. My DH is an only child. I''ve always known that I didn''t want children and drilled it into my parents growing up. My mother gets it and doesn''t care at all, my father is only just starting to get it.

DH thought he wanted children until pretty recently. Actually, it was more like he wasn''t thinking and he just assumed that everyone had children...until he learned not to assume and whats "normal" for others doesn''t have to be normal for us.

It''s been pretty easy to talk about it with our families. If and when it''s brought up one of us will simply mention that our plans is to not have children. People are starting to get it, but I do get a lot of questions from his friends about our choice - curious questions, not mean questions. We are the first to get married in his circle and most of the other couples definately without question want children.

DH and I have been together for nearly 5 years and nipped the children thing in the bud during dating, engagement, and marriage so there has never been expectation of us and people have had plenty of time for it to sink in. I think it''s easier the earlier you start because people just come around to it. I''m sure there are plenty of friends and family who still think that we''ll change our minds, but after 5 years of being fed the same line about us planning not to have children people just don''t bring it up. Also, having this long allows us to be calm and rational about the whole thing, no anger or eye rolling at questions, just our one line.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/7/2007 10:08:05 AM
Author: blondie23

We''re not even married and my FMIL already asks the question ''when'' and we always respond with, ''We''re not sure if that will ever happen'' and she comes back with, ''you''ll change your mind, you must have children''...ahhh, i prefer to avoid at all costs. Once we''re married I''m not as worried about it because I can stand my ground but I don''t want the next 8 months before the wedding to have tension.

Then the easiest way to deal with it is to say "I''m really not worried about having the answers formulated now for the next 60 years; I''m really more immediately focused on making the wedding happen. There''s plenty of time after that for making life decisions."

And leave it at that. If pressed (i.e. ''but what are your feelings at this point about children?"), I''d nicely smile and say "My feeling is that it''s something we can discuss LATER.....right now, I just want to enjoy being immersed in the wedding. It will only happen once, and I want to enjoy and savor it, so that''s all I''m focusing on."

Rinse and repeat as often as needed to stop the Qs.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/8/2007 10:29:49 AM
Author: blondie23

my FMIL can be very persistent. Last night at dinner she brought up having kids 3 times!! First she said, ''your new house will be beautiful! I can''t wait to help decorate the nursery.'', next was, ''being a grandmother is amazing and you both can still have your fun because I will babysit whenever you need me to''...and last, ''you''re not still on birthcontrol are you Rachel?''

Ok, that''s more direct than I initially envisioned, so in that case, I''d probably be very direct.

"I know you mean well, but the pointed personal questions are really beginning to make me uncomfortable. I appreciate your offer, and if/when we are in a place where it might apply, I''ll remember your generosity. Until then, though, I''d be extremely grateful if we could table any ''children'' discussion for a while. Marriage in and of itself is a huge commitment, and I''d like to focus on that alone right now."

 

[snowflakeluvr]

my daughter is 19, away at university, and had the "pleasure" of watching me have two children in my 40''s. she was thrilled, supportive, elated, totally ga ga over the first one(her third brother) and a wee bit jealous of (finally) her very own sister, who''s 2 now and the QUEEN OF EVERYTHING

but anyhoo, my daughter has now said adamantly after having some serious first-hand experience that she probably does not want to have children of her own...she is very serious about her upcoming profession(speech and audiology) and loves her little siblings to pieces but often says she wants some other lifestyle than me, the notorious housewife, and i am totally ok with that. i realize she may SOMEDAY change her mind when she is hopefully in a wonderful relationship, but heck yeah, motherhood is loads of work and my daughter knows it!
i applaud you for wanting to set some emotional boundaries with with your fmil. i did not do that and although my mil was only somewhat intrusive, i remember many hurts early on from her impuning her opinion on me, and i was too young and immature to handle it. it sounds like your fi is wonderful about things though and that''s remarkable. it took my hubby a looonnnnggg time to stand up to his mummy.
enjoy wedding planning...it goes so quickly.