Not happy with the quality of the heirloom diamond

[femmechic]

I''m in a dilemma right now. For my engagement ring, my fiance gave me his late mother''s wedding ring, which has a center diamond originally from his grandmother''s wedding ring in Bezel setting. It, of course, has high sentimental value to him. We then went to a jeweler and pick out a new setting so we could transfer the diamond from his late mother''s wedding ring onto the new ring. When the jeweler removed the diamond and examined it, it was discovered that the quality of the diamond is pretty poor with many inclusions and imperfections visible to the eye (clarity ~ I1 or I2). Because it was originally set in the bezel setting, those inclusions and imperfections were not as visible. Now, my new ring is in four prong setting, these inclusions are more visible to the naked eye. I really want a diamond with much better quality (at least eye clean) but I also know that this diamond means a lot to my fiance. When I told him that the diamond has a lot of visible inclusions, he didn''t offer to buy a new diamond (which he originally suggested as an option when he proposed - that I can take the diamond or he would buy a new one). Now, I''m not sure what I should do. I want to be happy with my e-ring but I don''t know if I should just simply keep the diamond or insist on getting a new diamond.

 

[iota15]

If he offered to buy you a new one before, why don''t you just ask if you two can buy a new one now. It''s better than suggesting or hinting for a new diamond.

Wishing you well and welcome to Pricescope!

 

[pancake]

I agree - and you could have the heirloom put into a bezel pendant?

 

[yssie]

I''m sorry this issue has come up for you two

heirloom Erings are such a touchy subject!


I do think that if you know you won''t be happy with it, you should talk to your FI, even if you know it might hurt him - you may be able to find a solution that makes both of you happy.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 4/21/2010 3:13:48 AM
Author: yssie
I''m sorry this issue has come up for you two

heirloom Erings are such a touchy subject!


I do think that if you know you won''t be happy with it, you should talk to your FI, even if you know it might hurt him - you may be able to find a solution that makes both of you happy.

I agree with yssie. Talk to him about it but please remeber that since it is his mothers ring he will more than likely be extra sensitive about it.

Good luck!!!

 

[violet3]

The only thing that would make me hesitate, is that it is his LATE mother''s ring -- I am not sure i would be able to bring myself to ask for a new one in this instance. Could you possibly modify it in some way, like adding sidestones to it? that might increase the overall sparkle and detract from the inclusions....just thinking out loud...

 

[ilovesparkles]

I would do one of two things. Put the old stone back in the original setting and wear it as a right hand ring, even if only for special occasions. Or take the old ring, have it melted into a necklace pendant with the old diamond. No matter what, I would keep the heirloom wearable in some form to wear daily or on special occasions.

I would ask for the new diamond. Saving the unhappiness will only become more hurtful the longer you save it. Bringing your feelings up front as soon as you can muster the strength to talk about it with FI will be the best solution. The last thing you want to do (in my opinion), is try to love your ering with the old diamond, and let FI think you love it; then 6 months down the road break down and tell him how you really feel. I believe that would be the most painful scenario for him and you. Good luck and welcome to PS!

 

[FutureMrsMRS]

I suggest you proudly wear the ring your fiancé is presenting to you. Choose a setting that you love & that compliments the stone.

I disagree with the suggestion that you "tell him even if it hurts his feelings" (or what was said to that effect). You don''t willingly hurt your SO''s feelings; especially over something like imperfections in a diamond. There are imperfections in all of us...

 

[Haven]

I wish my husband had his late mother''s engagement ring, I would have worn that with pride regardless of the quality of the stone. If I were in your position I would not tell him that I want a new stone, but then again that''s just because I''m married to someone whose mother died a year and a half before we met and I know how much he misses her and wishes that we could have met.

The good news is that it sounds like you weren''t unhappy with the stone until it was removed from the bezel and the jeweler told you that it has visible inclusions. IF the bezel hid the inclusions, then a new bezel would do just the same. If I were you, I would have it reset into a James Meyer setting. They''re gorgeous, and his bezels are to die for.

 

[monkeyprincess]

This is tough, and I can totally understand where you are coming from, but I think agree with Haven. While my fiance still has his mother, his father passed away tragically when he was younger. If he were to honor me by giving me something sentimental attached to his father, I would keep it/wear it because of how important it would be to him. But you know your fiance best and how he would react to your suggestion. If you keep the diamond for your engagement ring, you can always pick out a special piece of jewelry later.

 

[lucyandroger]

I would be so honored to receive an heirloom piece like that. I would keep the diamond and put it back into a bezel setting to hide the flaws. (I like Haven''s idea of a James Meyer) Tell your FI that you realized a setting more similar to the original setting better showcases this particular diamond. Then let him know that you''d like to get a diamond to fit the setting you''ve picked out down the road (for an anniversary, birthday, etc). Best of both worlds IMO.

 

[Nov2109]

I like lucyandrogers suggestion...that way you won''t hurt FIs feelings, and with saying that he may realize that the diamond he gave you is not what you have always wanted. Heirloom pieces can be so touchy...I would be honored to get a piece, but at the same time, I do feel like I would want one of my own...a friend of mine told her boyfriend she would absolutely not wear his grandmothers ring because it is not even close to what she had always wanted...but he was ok with that. Still no ring on her finger, but they are still together! Would you mind sharing the specs/pics of the ring. The ladies on here are awesome at helping in this situations!

 

[KerriLynn]

I agree with ilovesparkles... I would talk to FI and tell him that the inclusions bother you, but you cherish the fact that he wanted you to have a diamond with such an important tie to the family. Suggest that you have it made into a bezel set necklace (hides inclusions) and that way you can always wear it close to your heart, but you won't have to stare at the inclusions the same way you have to on your hand... Then you can search for a new diamond together that you will both be happy with.

Hope this helps!

 

[swingirl]

First of all don't melt down any heirloom even an empty setting!!

I would keep the reset the stone in a beautiful antique styled pendant and wear it all the time. For one you can say the stone is more protected around your neck and you won't risk chipping it especially since it has a lot inclusions which can weaken the stone. Which may be why it was in a bezel setting. That shows you respect the heirloom and want to preserve it.

Next tell him you want to take him up on his offer to get your our diamond. Tell him the heirloom is very special but you really want to pick out something that you love.

I have my original ering stone in a pendant and I wear it way more often than my ering.

 

[KittyGolightly]

I read a thread similar to this a while back. Someone brought up a good point (IMO) that there''s always a risk of losing or damaging an engagement ring that is worn everyday. I''d feel horrible if I lost my own ring, but I''d be absolutely devastated if I lost one that had been in my husband''s family for generations. Some things just can''t be replaced. Since he already offered to get you a different diamond if you wanted, if I were you I''d ask for a new ring and wear this one for special occasions only.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

I like the suggestions of either setting it in a bezel set pendant, or, if a new diamond is out of the question for sentimental reasons, look at some different settings that hide the inclusions better.

I fell in LOVE with this halo/border setting that was sort of wrapped around the stone (see below). Come to find out they designed it this way because the stone has a HUGE imperfection they were trying to hide. It is an antique stone...and a beautiful one at that.

It is from SingleStone who does amazing work with heirloom/antique stones.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Hand shot...

 

[PumpkinPie]

I''m kind of torn on this but I think the idea of setting the stone in a pendant, and perhaps using the empty heirloom setting for a coloured stone RHR will show that you cherish and respect his mother''s belongings and memories, but won''t necessarily prevent you from receiving the kind of ering you would prefer.

However, I''m not sure what I would do if I were you, but I would likely reset the original stone in a bezel (James Meyer does make some lovely rings) and use it as my ering. However, I definitely see the appeal of the option above.

 

[yssie]

Date: 4/21/2010 9:36:42 AM
Author: FutureMrsMRS
I suggest you proudly wear the ring your fiancé is presenting to you. Choose a setting that you love & that compliments the stone.

I disagree with the suggestion that you 'tell him even if it hurts his feelings' (or what was said to that effect). You don't willingly hurt your SO's feelings; especially over something like imperfections in a diamond. There are imperfections in all of us...

Well, I suppose that did sound a bit cold, put like that.

I know that for me, personally, well - I know it's "just a ring" but it's so important to me to have something I love and FI loves, something that represents the two of us - and frankly, only the two of us. I was offered a family ring but fortunately my FI also felt that we should choose something.

I'm not saying that used/heirloom/antique Erings are bad, mind - if you both love it, what's not to like? The problem is when exactly this situation arises - one person doesn't love it, and is afraid to say something to his/her significant other because of the history of the piece.

I said "tell him, even if it might hurt him" because femmechic's feelings are hurt right now, and whether she's justified or not isn't the point. It's not fair to force her into keeping her silence for fear of hurting his feelings.

 

[iota15]

I understand the honour of being given a family stone; however, I think femmechic seems pretty clear that she's not happy with this stone ("I really want a diamond with much better quality (at least eye clean)") and she also "want to be happy with my ering".

Femmechic - if you can reset the diamond into a form you'd be happy with, go for it. However, if you don't like bezel settings and/or you still don't like the stone, be very gentle and complementary, but let your partner know you're honoured but would like a stone you pick out together too... even if it's a small one.

There are a lot of women here who love antique stones in general - so an antique stone with a long family history leans to their preferences. But (I hope I'm not going to far by saying this) some people are probably also talking about some hypothetical stone from the sky, and at least in their minds, they're thinking about some hypothetical stone that would pass their minimum standards for daily, ering wear. Not that your particular stone is anywhere near like this - but for example, I wouldn't wear a dark diamond with a bouger sized black inclusion just off-center Every Day. It's a lovely thought that it's a family stone but you're getting married, it's sort of assumed that you are now part of the family.

It's great that a family stone becomes another indication of how much a part of the family you are, but I also believe open communication is key in a relationship and your needs should be met too (or at least should be open for discussion). For me, the longer I'd have an off-putting ring on my finger, the more I'm sure I'd want to put it in my jewelry box - eventually, I think I wouldn't wear it. He'll probably eventually notice and ask why I never wear it. What then? Lie?

Yes, it's just a piece of jewelry but he means to please you too. This rock will be on Your finger all day as you type and move around. You're the one who has to see it day in, day out. I'm sure your fiance wants you to be happy with your ering - why wouldn't he? But, I think you should gently bring your concerns to him. Plus, as another poster said, I'd be deathly afraid of losing or cracking that family rock. I might never wear it on that basis alone, or make a pendant out of it.

 

[caribqueen]

This is a tough one, but I lean more toward honesty. In a relationship there will be times when the truth will hurt, but I think I''d rather someone be straight with me then to pretend. I wouldn''t tell him you don''t like the diamond but just that you''d rather wear it differently (or what other posters have suggested).

I agree that a happy medium could be you continuing to wear it as a pendant or RHR and talking to your FI about a new E-ring. Having said that, I would only bring this up if you know he can comfortably afford one (but it seems he can since you said he initially offered previously).

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 4/21/2010 4:29:56 PM
Author: swingirl
First of all don''t melt down any heirloom even an empty setting!!


I would keep the reset the stone in a beautiful antique styled pendant and wear it all the time. For one you can say the stone is more protected around your neck and you won''t risk chipping it especially since it has a lot inclusions which can weaken the stone. Which may be why it was in a bezel setting. That shows you respect the heirloom and want to preserve it.


Next tell him you want to take him up on his offer to get your our diamond. Tell him the heirloom is very special but you really want to pick out something that you love.


I have my original ering stone in a pendant and I wear it way more often than my ering.

I second this. You tell him the truth that stones with inclusions like this can break, which is true, that you want it set in something that will not experience the wear and tear, like a necklace, and that you need you own diamond for your ring.
He is happy because you are wearing his mother''s diamond and cared enough to want to not break it and you get the diamond you want and everyone wins.

For what it is worth, my dad took the stones from his mom''s ring, the main one we think is actually glass and made it into a ring he wears every day. My mom has a big diamond and the idea of her wearing glass is pretty unlikely. I don''t know how big the stone is, but could he set it into his own band, even hidden on the inside so he could wear it? Just a thought.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/21/2010 11:15:39 PM
Author: iota15
I understand the honour of being given a family stone; however, I think femmechic seems pretty clear that she's not happy with this stone ('I really want a diamond with much better quality (at least eye clean)') and she also 'want to be happy with my ering'.


Femmechic - if you can reset the diamond into a form you'd be happy with, go for it. However, if you don't like bezel settings and/or you still don't like the stone, be very gentle and complementary, but let your partner know you're honoured but would like a stone you pick out together too... even if it's a small one.


There are a lot of women here who love antique stones in general - so an antique stone with a long family history leans to their preferences. But (I hope I'm not going to far by saying this) some people are probably also talking about some hypothetical stone from the sky, and at least in their minds, they're thinking about some hypothetical stone that would pass their minimum standards for daily, ering wear. Not that your particular stone is anywhere near like this - but for example, I wouldn't wear a dark diamond with a bouger sized black inclusion just off-center Every Day. It's a lovely thought that it's a family stone but you're getting married, it's sort of assumed that you are now part of the family.


It's great that a family stone becomes another indication of how much a part of the family you are, but I also believe open communication is key in a relationship and your needs should be met too (or at least should be open for discussion). For me, the longer I'd have an off-putting ring on my finger, the more I'm sure I'd want to put it in my jewelry box - eventually, I think I wouldn't wear it. He'll probably eventually notice and ask why I never wear it. What then? Lie?


Yes, it's just a piece of jewelry but he means to please you too. This rock will be on Your finger all day as you type and move around. You're the one who has to see it day in, day out. I'm sure your fiance wants you to be happy with your ering - why wouldn't he? But, I think you should gently bring your concerns to him. Plus, as another poster said, I'd be deathly afraid of losing or cracking that family rock. I might never wear it on that basis alone, or make a pendant out of it.

I posted in your duplicate thread in the jewelery forum, however, I will add that I agree with iota.

There are ways to approach this with some compassion for your fiances feelings...without denying all your OWN feelings. To me "sucking it up" for the sake of the others feelings is prioritizing one partners feelings over the other. That just leads to resentment and unhappiness....and a total "block" of intimacy in my opinion. It is not only denying your own feelings, but denying your partner the opportunity to learn more about you too. In a healthy relationship...BOTH your feelings are very important and together you find ways to respect and work with both of them. Even if one may feel a bit hurt...healthy people don't project that or hold you responsible for hurt feelings where you have not purposely sought out to hurt THEM.

To share a similar story....I realized not long after my wedding I did not like my wedding ring (never had an e-ring). I mean, I did not "hate" it by any means, but there were lots of little things about it that bothered me. I knew I could continue to wear it....and never say a word. But I also knew it would continue to bother me (as it did). I talked to my DH about it. He felt very sentimental about my ring and so he did feel a little sad I did not like it (and he does like it!). While he had not "bought" it for me (we shared costs) we had picked it out together and he felt a bit sad about that too. However, he also listened to me, and recognized I am the one wearing it EVERYDAY...and he wants me to have a ring I LOVE to wear EVERYDAY. And I also listened to HIS side. He wanted to still be involved in the process again of picking it out, he wanted me to still find something with sapphires and diamonds (to compliment his ring and replicate my old ring somewhat). Hence, I took my tax return to pay for a new ring set which I DO love and while it is not the one I was married with I added some sentimental touches to capture us both into it anyway, in addition to the sapphire and diamonds he requested.

And, my DH was happy I shared it with him. He hated the idea that I might have not said anything and just suffered in silence. Though, I will admit, he does like to poke fun at me at times for the whole event in a teasing way!

It's not even like your fiance insisted on giving you the family stone - he offered to use another one. So, I doubt he is entirely opposed to a new stone. Just bring it forth with compassion. And I think all the ideas of resetting it for a pendant or right hand ring are great. I have a friend who also was originally given a family stone and wears it as a right hand ring as she also is not entirely happy with it. She and her husband chose a new ring with a new stone during their engagement.

 

[Haven]

RaiKai--You make a very good point. Ignoring her feelings does put her partner''s feelings before her own, and I bet it would lead to some resentments.

I based my first response on the fact that it seemed like she liked the stone until she saw it out of the bezel and heard a jeweler say it was I quality. If that were the only issue, and if she did like bezels, then I think keeping mum would be best. HOWEVER, if femmechic really doesn''t want a bezel, then yes, I suppose saying something to him very gently would be best for *both* of you.

I think I let my own very strong desire for a family stone cloud my earlier response.

I do plan on passing my own engagement ring down to a daughter, if we have one, and I really hope she wants to wear it. I would have done *anything* for my mom or grandmother to have given me their rings, even though both are significantly smaller and lesser quality than the stone DH bought for me. But that''s just *my* preference for a family stone, and I totally understand that everyone does not share that same desire.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/22/2010 12:21:44 PM
Author: Haven
RaiKai--You make a very good point. Ignoring her feelings does put her partner''s feelings before her own, and I bet it would lead to some resentments.


I based my first response on the fact that it seemed like she liked the stone until she saw it out of the bezel and heard a jeweler say it was I quality. If that were the only issue, and if she did like bezels, then I think keeping mum would be best. HOWEVER, if femmechic really doesn''t want a bezel, then yes, I suppose saying something to him very gently would be best for *both* of you.


I think I let my own very strong desire for a family stone cloud my earlier response.

I do plan on passing my own engagement ring down to a daughter, if we have one, and I really hope she wants to wear it. I would have done *anything* for my mom or grandmother to have given me their rings, even though both are significantly smaller and lesser quality than the stone DH bought for me. But that''s just *my* preference for a family stone, and I totally understand that everyone does not share that same desire.

I don''t have any family rings either! No diamonds really at all in my family....all gemstones.

I think my response was also going by...sometimes you don''t realize you don''t like something until you actually spend some time with it up close. That was what happened with my own wedding ring at least.

My mother has so many rings (she and my stepfather only got married recently after 25 years together....he bought her many rings over the years though - opals, sapphires, and so on....I often joked she only declined to marry him so he would keep buying rings for her) that I would love to inherit one day. Not for a LONG time though - we almost lost her a handful of years ago to a very serious cancer diagnosis and I definitely would rather have her around a long time than have her rings! Unfortunately, I recall my younger sister calling dibs on them when she was 4 or 5 by saying "mum, when you die, can I have all your rings?". Out of the mouths of babes.