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LiW Not a gold digger, buttttt........

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Gemmy129

Rough_Rock
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Jun 18, 2009
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the other day, while chatting with my long term boyfriend slash future fiance in the car, the topic of engagement rings arose...he told me that $500 is the max he will spend on the ring. he volunteered this information unasked, and he was being entirely serious. now he is not a struggling student, ladies, he is a professional who makes nearly double that amount in just one working day (to be fair though, he did spend *one* month or so out of work this year, but come on now!)

...so, after hearing about his budget, i brought up the two months'' salary standard (a standard, as you know...not something i just made up for the sake of fleecing him!); he stated that spending that kind of money on a ring is ridiculous and that i am delusional if i expect him to do so. in my mind, the two months'' thing is just a loose guideline, not a hard and fast rule. a bit more or even a bit less is A-OK! but spending less than one day''s salary??!! this just feels disrespectful to me.

so then, he goes online and googles this "two-months''salary" concept, and conveniently finds message board discussions and the like featuring women writing things like "i would never expect my man to spend so much money...", "i''d rather use it for a down payment on a house", "it''s just a marketing ploy by debeers", etc. all of this corroborates his opinion, and now I''M the materialistic "bad guy"!!
sorry, i just feel like the ring that i will wear every day for the rest of my life should be worth more than his cell phone or a single tire on his car.

i guess this has been more of a vent than anything, but i would really love for you to weigh-in (and hopefully tell me that i am not crazy or unreasonable)
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Sorry the conversation went that way! However, there is something I've noticed about guys: many, many men have NO IDEA how much a "typical" engagement ring costs - it's just not something they notice until they are actively looking. He might well think $500 is a perfectly average amount - I remember a number of women on this forum mentioning their guy said a similar thing when they first brought it up, who are now wearing very expensive rings.

Don't take it as an insult yet or start reading too much into it. The figure will very often change as they start to do research, look in jewellery store windows, notice what their female colleagues are wearing, discuss it with their friends and family, etc. Be patient and don't panic.

If, however, after a few months and research, he still insists that $500 is the way to go, you might need to sit down and have a frank discussion about what exactly you want, what it means to you, and how he (or both of you) can reasonably pay for it. It's only if he fusses at that stage that I'd start to get concerned.

(and it might not hurt to send him a link to pricescope in the meantime...)
 
A few questions you should seriously ask yourself before you settle down with this man:

1) Has he ever spent a lot of money and time on you?

2) Does everything in the relationship have to go "his way"?

3) Does he give any thought to what you really want, and what would make you happy?

4) Does he always spend money on himself, but rarely spoil you?

5) Is he the type of person who would compromise if he knew something meant a lot to you?

I don''t think he should stick with a budget that low when he knows this means a lot to you. Especially when he is not strapped for cash. It''s the most important gift you will ever receive from him. It''s the piece of jewelry you will give to your children or grandchildren one day. It''s important!!!
I''m not saying that the 2 month rule should always be applied. Sometimes it can get a bit ridiculous when trying to stick with that. But I do think a man should buy the best ring he can buy without going into debt. Men should know that this is the symbol of the love they have for their future wife, and that''s the way she will see it.
 
Some men just don''t know what the typical engagement ring costs. When FF and I first started talking he was like "we can get you a great ring for like a thousand bucks right?" Poor guy was floored after he did some research and we went ring shopping and he found out how much it cost. I honestly think once he starts researching rings he''ll start to understand a bit more. Especially when he goes ring shopping and tries to get something for $500 bucks. That said, if he realizes how much a ring costs and STILL refuses to spend more than that, you may want to sit him down and have a serious discussion with him. Yes, it is just a piece of jewelery BUT it symbolizes something extremely important and SHOULD be worth more than his cell phone.

Has he ever bought you any jewelery or presents before? You say he makes quite a bit of money. Wanting to spend only $500 on a ring would be perfectly fine if that was all the guy could afford but from what you''ve said, it sounds like he can afford quite a bit more. And if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, he should want to get you a beautiful ring that he can afford and that you''ll wear for the rest of your life :)
 
My guy said the same sort of thing when we first started talking about the engagement. Saving money didn''t come into it at all--he thought we could just roll up to a jewelry store one day and pick something out with pocket change!
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He initially thought I was bonkers when I explained that it''s customary where I come from (the US; he''s English and the average engagement ring cost is lower but not as low as he was hoping
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) to save money for a few months, and that since diamonds are a hobby of mine and I''ve been researching them for half my life, I wanted a good one, and that I was ready, willing and able to contribute as much money as necessary to get the ring I want. He asked about how much it would cost, and I said most of it would depend on the quality and size of the diamond, but that we could probably spend anywhere from US$7000-$8000 and we''d get my dream ring. He later asked his sisters how much their engagement rings had cost, and they were both under £1000 (at the time, that was about 1/4 the price of my ring).

He knows that I am not a materialistic person and that this is a forever item that has extreme sentimental value. Over time, he began to see that. Hopefully your guy will come around and see it that way too, because if it''s really important to you, it should also be important to him.
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I''m probably going to get flamed for saying this on a diamond website...but a ring doesn''t make the engagement, nor is it a realistic indicator of how much he loves you. IMO, budgets and limits need to be respected...no matter how short they fall of your expectation.
 
I wonder if he has ever thought about what will happen after the engagement, when everyone you see asks to see your ring? With my FF, I think it''s a pride thing, and he wants everyone to think he got me a really nice ring. Maybe your guy would feel the same, he''s just never thought about it?
 
Ok, I dont mean to pry, but you said he makes almost double the $500 he plans to spend on the ring in one day? So that would mean he makes about $230,000 a year???? (Yes i did the math, lol) and he is giving you crap about spending more than that on a ring? Is he just insanely cheap? Or does he not spend money on you? Or is it just jewelry in paticular that he thinks is " a waste of money"? I couldnt imagine any man having that salary and not spending more on the most important peice of jewelry they'll ever buy!
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My FF can be added to the list of boys that "dont get it" when it comes to jewelry. He doesnt get why its so expensive, why people spend so much money on something that goes on your ears, finger, neck, etc. However, I dont doubt that most men feel that on some level. But, once I explained to him how much it meant to me, how this wasnt "just a ring" and that it was something that symbolized our commitment, something that I would look at and think of him, and something that i will wear every single day for the rest of my life, he "got it". He saw how important it was to me, and if it made me happy, then he was happy. I may not get why he wants a new sailbot (sailing is his passion), or needs this for his boat or that for his boat, etc. I may think its a "waste of money" and may not "get it", but if it brings him joy then who am i to stop him? I think thats the point your BF is missing.

I also agree with others that he may not understand you cant get anything for $500.00. Maybe a plain stirling silver band lol. Once you guys start shopping, I am sure he'll change that amount. While guys may not get why girls need jewelry, they do also want to be proud of what they picked out. They love to hear the "you did a good job! He's a keeper" etc etc. My BF swore that $2,000 was an awesome budget when we started out, and then all said and done, ended up spending almost 10 times that! LOL
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I would just sit him down and explain why its important to you (more than just, "i love bling!"
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) and he should understand.
 
Like several of the other ladies who replied before me.... my FF had no idea what the cost of an engagement ring was. But he acknowledged that completely & thats why he wanted to go ring shopping. He wanted to see what kind of ring I wanted & how much it costs. He told me "This is something you only do once. I want to do it right. You are going to wear this ring everyday, for the rest of your life. It needs to be something you really love." Even when I could tell he was getting sticker shock, I would say "Lets look at a smaller diamond. It doesn''t have to be that big, or a less elaborate setting" He would insist- "Get what you want" When I told him how amazing it was that he had this point of view & that a lot of men (at least that I know personally) would want their GF to pick out a ring for the minimum price he said to me "But I don''t love you minimum" .... Thankfully, my FF understand the symbol & the meaning behind the engagement ring & although I will have to wait a bit longer than expected, (We are a young couple with a 5 yr old & I am half way through Grad school) I will get the ring I want. I think that taking him ring shopping & also explaining the sentiment behind it will move mountains. Wouldn''t he want something he wears every single day to be something he loves?!
 
I wouldn't mind the 500$ ring, but I'm surprised that HE wouldn't mind you wearing (and showing off) a 500$ ring to all his friends and family. I'm assuming his friends and family are as well off as he is, in which case, he'll just end up looking cheap if all the other women in his social circle have the standard "2 mo salary: kind of ring.

I know my fiance just beamed with pride when we announced our engagement and all the girls in the family and our friends oo-ed and ah-ed over how gorgeous my ring was, and how good a job he did with the diamond. I actually initially wanted a colored gem ering, which would have been thousands cheaper than my current ering, but he got me a diamond, and I suspect part of that was because of his pride and ego, lol.

I'm not annoyed with the budget limit of 500%, but I would be annoyed that it sounds like buying the ering seems like a chore or burden to him, like some random thing he has to shell out money for. But if he was really excited and happy and put a lot of thought into the 500$ ring purchase I'd be fine with it. I'd be thrilled if I got a gorgeous garnet (my birthstone) ering. I just wouldn't want it to be a "crap, I have to buy a dumb ring, whatever, I'll just spend 500$ and get it over with" kind of attitude. I'm not saying that is his attitude, can't really tell based on your post, but personally, that is what would annoy me.
 
Sorry Gemmy but the women on those message boards are correct. It is nothing more than a DeBeers marketing ploy.

If you want more than your future FI wants to spend, then I think you should buy yourself a nice right hand ring. A gift is not something you demand or try to put minimum limitations on. You''re coming off as materialistic and that''s not really how you want him to see you.

I have several diamonds over 1 ct. and I purchased them myself.
 
I could understand if he didn''t make a lot of money or owed thousands in student loans or something. But to me it sounds like he has the means to get a more expensive ring but just thinks spending a lot of money on a piece of jewelry is a waste of money. I''d be interested in the answers to Kribbie''s questions to get the full picture.
There isn''t much that he can get for $500, I don''t think. I can tell you that I probably have the least expensive setting on PS (just a regular ole'' white gold basket setting) and it was almost half of that budget. What would he put in it?
$500 might be able to get a nice wedding band...

I don''t know. Call me materialistic but I know I would be disappointed if my guy could afford a decent ring and just didn''t *want* to. A $1000 dollar budget could be worked with...but $500?
 
Date: 6/19/2009 10:58:55 AM
Author: purrfectpear
Sorry Gemmy but the women on those message boards are correct. It is nothing more than a DeBeers marketing ploy.

If you want more than your future FI wants to spend, then I think you should buy yourself a nice right hand ring. A gift is not something you demand or try to put minimum limitations on. You''re coming off as materialistic and that''s not really how you want him to see you.

I have several diamonds over 1 ct. and I purchased them myself.
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Idk I think I''m going to have to agree here, this talk going on about buying things to impress others in his circle and keeping up with the "norm" makes me uncomfortable, an engagement ring is about the 2 people getting married, not buying something so her friends think he''s a "keeper".
 
This sounds like a test. I would be upset too, but I would let it go for now.
 
Date: 6/19/2009 5:24:26 AM
Author: kribbie
A few questions you should seriously ask yourself before you settle down with this man:


1) Has he ever spent a lot of money and time on you?


2) Does everything in the relationship have to go ''his way''?


3) Does he give any thought to what you really want, and what would make you happy?


4) Does he always spend money on himself, but rarely spoil you?


5) Is he the type of person who would compromise if he knew something meant a lot to you?


I don''t think he should stick with a budget that low when he knows this means a lot to you. Especially when he is not strapped for cash. It''s the most important gift you will ever receive from him. It''s the piece of jewelry you will give to your children or grandchildren one day. It''s important!!!

I''m not saying that the 2 month rule should always be applied. Sometimes it can get a bit ridiculous when trying to stick with that. But I do think a man should buy the best ring he can buy without going into debt. Men should know that this is the symbol of the love they have for their future wife, and that''s the way she will see it.
Click to expand...

I''m with her!
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Date: 6/19/2009 10:58:55 AM
Author: purrfectpear
Sorry Gemmy but the women on those message boards are correct. It is nothing more than a DeBeers marketing ploy.
Click to expand...
Agreed. The 2 months salary thing is a ploy. I know my DH didn''t spend anywhere close to what he makes in 2 months. But he did spend more than he makes in one day.
I think you''ve got two extremes going on here and perhaps you can meet in the middle. Perhaps a budget of 3 days....or *gasp* 4.
I also agree with PP that putting your own money towards a ring isn''t a bad idea.
BUT I don''t think you sound materialistic at all. If you would have come on here and said, "I deserve at least 2 cts!" or something like that, then yeah, I could see how that might look bad. But to me it''s clear that this is about more than his ring budget.
 
It might also be a warning sign that you have different theories on finance, which is definitely something to talk about. In the future, when your finances are merged, would he resent you for buying expensive things for yourself (assuming this is something you do)? Is he the kind of guy who would want to approve all purchases over 100$, and would you be ok with that?

Arguments over money are actually cited to be one of the primary reasons couples break up, so it''s good to talk about it early. My fiance and I have a 10% rule. Either of us can spend up to 10% of our monthly salary on a splurge purchase, but anything over that we consult each other.
 
I think what would upset me is his attitude ... the "my way or the highway" attitude. Does he realize that a relationship is TWO-way & that once you''re married you''ll need to *negotiate* with each other & not just make blanket declarations?

His *attitude* makes me think he''s not ready to be a *partner* and that''s a red flag that you should spend a lot of time thinking about before worrying about what kind of ring you''d get from him.

I offer this question:

"What if having a nice diamond ring was really important to me regardless of how rational you think it is? How would that affect your decision?"
 
assuming he understands how much these things cost...i would be really hurt. not because i''m materialistic or anything, but because when i buy gifts for the bf i try to find things i know he would love. if i had the money to spend on him, i would be really excited to be in a position to get him something just perfect. i really enjoy getting him gifts, and i know he feels the same about me.

i would give the world for the people closest to my heart. to feel that someone i cared so much for had the ability to give me something that they knew meant a lot to me (a material thing or otherwise) and chose not to, would be painful.

i would give him a chance first to look around and see though.
 
Date: 6/19/2009 11:17:13 AM
Author: purselover
Idk I think I'm going to have to agree here, this talk going on about buying things to impress others in his circle and keeping up with the 'norm' makes me uncomfortable, an engagement ring is about the 2 people getting married, not buying something so her friends think he's a 'keeper'.
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I'm not saying he needs to, or should do that so people accept him as worthy. I just know everytime a girl gets engaged, those are the "usual" remarks (more from parents, family, etc). Like "ooohhh wow! good job bob!", men like to hear their time spent on researching, hard work in designing, and money spent were put to good use and appreciated. Not all do, but I hear many say it.

Truthfully gemmy, i would say yes to anything right now, and I mean that, i just want him to ask. However, I dont blame you for being a little irked. Like many said, its not like he is a student, with no income, paying off loans, living at home with his parents, has tons of debt, or all of the above. He seems pretty well off, so I am just surprised he's saying $500. I wholeheartedly DO NOT agree with the setiment that the more he spends on it and the bigger the diamond the more he loves you. Thats just ridiculous. If someone doesnt have money, and cant get a good ring, doesnt mean he loves the girl any less. So dont feel like just because you may not get an expensive ring it means anything. Its just, like he said, he obviously has the money, so its just suprising he isnt more liberal with the budget.
 
Date: 6/19/2009 5:24:26 AM
Author: kribbie
A few questions you should seriously ask yourself before you settle down with this man:

1) Has he ever spent a lot of money and time on you?

2) Does everything in the relationship have to go ''his way''?

3) Does he give any thought to what you really want, and what would make you happy?

4) Does he always spend money on himself, but rarely spoil you?

5) Is he the type of person who would compromise if he knew something meant a lot to you?
Click to expand...
Those are great questions to ask!

Gemmy- I completely get where you are coming from but IMO he is being COMPLETELY irrational. Especially if he makes much more than that in one day. It seems unfair to you and I''d have a discussion with him about it and let him know how this truly makes you feel. That''s just wrong...Why do guys have to be like this sometimes? It makes no sense to me.
 
thank you, ladies, for your input! i am pleased to see such a variety of opinions :) that last post (supporting the debeers propaganda theory), though, i am *convinced* was written by none other than dbf himself (hehe - j/k, purrfect)!

i guess it''s possible that he just doesn''t know how much engagement rings cost...this in itself is bad news because it suggests that he is nowhere close to having a ring and proposing, lol.

he''s an engineer/techie type, and as such, he definitely values utility (which he doesn''t see in a ring)...but, while a ring may not be as "useful" as his beloved tools and gadgets, he must have some appreciation of its symbolic value!

uggh - i have my work cut out for me here in any event! :/

now that i think about it, i wonder if he may be joking to get a rise out of me. leading up to christmas last year, he told me that for the holiday he''d be getting me a notebook. i went nuts wondering why he would think i wanted a notebook, and why he would think a notebook was an acceptable gift, even for a mere acquaintance! we even argued about it. he assured me that it was a very high-end, expensive notebook, lol. when christmas rolled around, the *notebook* was indeed one of his gifts to me (in the form of a souped up notebook style laptop - i had been imagining something spiral-bound with lined paper :)).
let''s hope he''s up to something similar!
 
Awww, the laptop story sounds sweet.
I would bet he''s just joking to get a rise out of you again then.
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Don''t ask me why I''m in this section, but I''m a guy. And he sounds like the type of guy that wants to surprise you and have fun with the gifts. Which means he''s already fully aware of how much a decent ring will cost and how much he''s going to spend.

There''s no guy out there that thinks a $500 engagement ring is worthy to give to their girlfriend, unless that''s all he could afford. Trust me. Every guy wants to get his woman the best ring he can within his budget.. and your boyfriend''s budget is a hell of alot more than $500.
 
Oh Gemmy,
I know the *jokester* type tooooooo well. And my own beloved DH falls into that same category. Here''s what I''ll say about that though: it is a control issue. He''s valuing his own delight at the "joke" over your feelings. In our case we both have control issues & its a constant source of work & frustration &, yes, humor ... because now that we''ve realized it about each other we can diffuse the tension with that knowing "AHA!" about our own behavior.

In my case it wasn''t a dealbreaker & I''m just as guilty. But I just want to give you a heads up that its not just "joking" ... it signifies much, much more. Keep your eyes open & start thinking about how to address the selfish aspect of "joking" if you start to get frustrated by it (which I assure you you will).
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I don''t know your BF at all, but I''m going to venture this: He probably has no idea how much decent quality rings cost. I''m not talking about 2ct+ D IFs here, just something a notch nicer than the not-so-nicely cut and included stones they sell in most mall stores. So, what I would recommend is going to look at stones and rings at a place than carries nicer stuff than the mentioned mall stores while avoiding the very expensive places (I''m sure people here can help you find some places in your area). Just look at the rings to try to get an idea of what you both like and all that, then look at the prices. Your BF is probably in for a huge sticker shock.

Good luck!
 
Date: 6/19/2009 11:40:28 AM
Author: Gemmy129
thank you, ladies, for your input! i am pleased to see such a variety of opinions :) that last post (supporting the debeers propaganda theory), though, i am *convinced* was written by none other than dbf himself (hehe - j/k, purrfect)!

i guess it's possible that he just doesn't know how much engagement rings cost...this in itself is bad news because it suggests that he is nowhere close to having a ring and proposing, lol.

he's an engineer/techie type, and as such, he definitely values utility (which he doesn't see in a ring)...but, while a ring may not be as 'useful' as his beloved tools and gadgets, he must have some appreciation of its symbolic value!

uggh - i have my work cut out for me here in any event! :/

now that i think about it, i wonder if he may be joking to get a rise out of me. leading up to christmas last year, he told me that for the holiday he'd be getting me a notebook. i went nuts wondering why he would think i wanted a notebook, and why he would think a notebook was an acceptable gift, even for a mere acquaintance! we even argued about it. he assured me that it was a very high-end, expensive notebook, lol. when christmas rolled around, the *notebook* was indeed one of his gifts to me (in the form of a souped up notebook style laptop - i had been imagining something spiral-bound with lined paper :)).
let's hope he's up to something similar!
Click to expand...
I can see where you mean him being a techie guy, my SO is.
A good argument would be that an engagement ring isn't a bauble. It's not something you will throw in your jewelry box and only bring out on special occasions.

this is where theplunge.com actually has a decent article on it ...
http://theplunge.com/ringbuyingguide/how-much-money-to-spend-on-diamond-engagement-ring
 
If my FI spent 2 months of his salary I would have one hell of a ring!!! But back to the topic here. Your boyfriend should be honored to spend $$$ on a beautiful ring for you that states his commitment of wanting to share the rest of his life with you. It is not about being materialists what so ever, it is the meaning behind it not the money but $500. is nothing but a CZ stone in a simple silver setting and that is something you will not be happy with.

My FI is practical on the line of being cheap at times but when it came to my surprise e-ring I got the unexpected of a beautiful ring, with a price tag way beyond what my asking price was of 15K.

Is your boyfriend good to you in other ways of gifts? Does he get you something every b-day, valentines day? Something to think about.
 
Tell him that $500 is a perfectly reasonable budget for such a frivolous item. Then remind him that his next purchase of a TV, new computer, new car, or new game system is also frivolous, so all those items should have $500 budget caps. HA!
 
maybe he literally means ring, as in the setting? (based on previous story about a notebook)
 
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