Not a gold digger, buttttt........

[ckrickett]

Date: 6/19/2009 1:13:40 PM
Author: smithsmith
Tell him that $500 is a perfectly reasonable budget for such a frivolous item. Then remind him that his next purchase of a TV, new computer, new car, or new game system is also frivolous, so all those items should have $500 budget caps. HA!

I was thinking just the same thing

 

[brooklyngirl]

MY DH was the same way in the beginning of our relationship. He thought diamonds were useless, too expensive, and he even said that he didn''t believe in engagement rings. Well 3 years later he spent 15k on my ring. Once serious discussions about the e-ring started, we discussed budget, and I named that budget thinking we''d negotiate, but he thought it was a good budget too. So here we are.

So, if your case is a matter of misunderstanding the topic, perhaps when it comes time to buy a ring, he''ll change his tune.

I don''t believe for a second that you''re being materialistic. This really has to do with respect and generosity. His views on this strike me as selfish and disrespectful towards the woman he plans to marry. He seems to not even want to negotiate the budget with you, and it''s his way or no way.

Him joking about it would NOT amuse me. What''s the point of the joke if it''s not funny to you? Is he hurting your feelings to get a laugh at your expense? Funny thing about jokes is that there''s always some element of truth to them. It''s one thing to joke in a way where you know for sure that he''s joking, and he doesn''t want to tell you his plans or budget because he wants it to be a surprise. That''s fine, because you''re not thinking, "oh he''s being selfish and cheap when it comes to me." The way he''s "joking" now is making you upset, and nervous -- not a funny joke IMHO.

I wonder if he splurges on himself. It appears he does since he carries around a 500$ cell phone. I''ll venture to say that one doesn''t need such an expensive cell phone. Mine cost me $50. Does that mean that if my DH wanted a fancy cell phone that I would only budget $50? No.

 

[Resonance.Of.Life]

Well,, my bf is also the techie type and felt intially the same way your boyfriend did. But really after some consideration on his own, he said "even though I may not feel an engagement ring is important or that a lot of money should be spent on it, I will get you a nice one because it will make you happy and that''s what I want."

What really turned me off is your boyfriend''s attitude that his opinion is the only opinion that matters.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/19/2009 1:34:58 PM
Author: suchende
maybe he literally means ring, as in the setting? (based on previous story about a notebook)

I was wondering the same thing-like just the ring not the stone?

 

[lilmissrugger]

Oooh, jokesters

I bet you''ll get a nice ring!
(My FF is also a jokester type, and I could totally see him doing the same thing)

 

[Black Jade]

Date: 6/19/2009 11:17:58 AM
Author: suchende
This sounds like a test. I would be upset too, but I would let it go for now.

It does sound like a test.
I would not get sucked into fighting about this when he hasn''t even asked you to marry him yet.
It is perfectly true that 2 months salary is a marketing ploy, BTW--I would not sit around thinking things like "the ring he gets me has to cost exactly this much, because this amount is 2/12ths of what he makes per year" and "his tires and his cell phone cost x amount." He not only doesn''t HAVE to spend any particular amount, but he doesn''t HAVE to ask you to marry him. When and if he does, he will either have a ring that he picked out in his hand,and you can then decide what you want to respond, or he won''t have a ring and you can start choosing together (if you say yes) and you can then come to some agreement (which I would guess will work out to be somewhat more than $500 and somewhat less than 2 months of his salary, if these things go the way they usually do).
I probably sound cruel to you; I don''t intend to be that way. I can just see that this could possibly go to some very bad places and you could look VERY bad, very materialistic, which is a real turnoff to a guy who thinks he might want to get married, but isn''t quite sure that he wants to get married, who makes a lot of money and is afraid of getting married because of that, or of being ''taken'' or all those things guys think but don''t always voice aloud. I really suggest that you do not stay on this thread picking up counter-arguments to his provocative statement, but that you ''let it go''.

 

[LadyBlue]

Hi Gemmy!!

I agree with you that $500.00 for someone that makes $1,000 a day is kind of ridiculous. But expect someone to spend 2 month of salary it''s as well ridiculous, mostly because you are talking about $60,000.00

. I understand why he thinks that you could be a bit materialistic.

If I was in the situation, I would explain him that $500 it''s not enough for a nice diamond ring, with good clarity, cut and color. That a gorgeous one carat diamond ring cost around $8,000. Maybe he would not be as scare as when you told him, he should be spending 60,000 in the ring

.

Good luck!!

 

[ksluice]

Date: 6/19/2009 11:40:28 AM
Author: Gemmy129

he''s an engineer/techie type, and as such, he definitely values utility (which he doesn''t see in a ring)...but, while a ring may not be as ''useful'' as his beloved tools and gadgets, he must have some appreciation of its symbolic value!


uggh - i have my work cut out for me here in any event! :/

If he isn''t really just having a go, then I don''t think your work will be hard. An true engineer should no more be able to bear a poorly cut diamond than a poorly tooled gizmo or badly designed piece of machinery. Once he sees the diamond as a marvel of optical engineering, I betcha he''ll be more than thrilled to find and buy a beautiful stone.

 

[trillionaire]

SO is very anti-engagement rings, blah blah blah.

It was frustrating to hear, but rather than complain and bulk, I told him that I loved how he was willing to challenge the status quo and think for himself, and that those were traits that I really love and admire about him. It's important to affirm your partner sometimes, even if you don't agree. And my SO is also an engineer.

He didn't throw out an explicit budget, but when he was vascillating on a reasonable budget, I threw out: "You know, I think that what you spent on your motorcycle seems like a reasonable price range. It wasn't a planned expense, but it seems like the cost was very managable." We both knew that he did not save for a motorcycle, he went out and bought it on a whim, a few weeks after he came up with the idea, so he didn't have much of an argument.

His bike was a frivolous expense, just like my ring would be, but I didn't make my frivolity seem more important than his. I think it worked well as a parallel, but also gave me some wiggle room. I wanted a 1ct diamond, no more no less, and that is what I am getting

I also agree with deco, RE:

"What if having a nice diamond ring was really important to me regardless of how rational you think it is? How would that affect your decision?"


... part of being a PARTNER is learning and understanding that I don't have to 'get' why something is important to 'recognize' that it is. It's really important to me that SO goes to the dog park or for a pet walk once a weekend. Dunno why, just is. He doesn't get it, or even particularly love it, but he does it because it is important for me. And I always thank him, everytime.


Just talk to him. Don't try to say everything at once. Maybe take him into a jewelry store when you are in the mall, so he can SEE rings on you. Engineers are visual, and also creative. Let him know that he can custom draft some CADs of rings he likes, and have one made that is totally unique. Make him excited about it. Someone on here said they made the 4 C's sound like finding the perfect car, and negotiating/finding the best price like haggling. And maybe encourage him to talk to a guy friend or two. A friend in college took a frat brother ring shopping, and was talked into buying a 10K ring, right out of college. SO's co-worker told him that he would never buy a ring worth less than 20K. It might give him some perspective!

 

[packrat]

We got my original engagement ring for way under $500-but it was from one of the mall jewelry stores, and this was in 2001, several years before I found PS and realized there really are other options for rings. I was happy w/it b/c it was all we could afford, I thought it was cute, and we were engaged. I didn''t care about the rest of it-I was too busy yapping about being engaged. We ended up having issues w/the ring and then w/the store/customer service, and I have a different ring now and am planning my new forever ring.

My husband doesn''t understand my love of jewelry, or why seeing some of the beautiful pieces here can bring tears to my eyes. Conversely, I don''t get what the big deal is about the things he likes either-like guns. But he spends hours researching and trying different ones. It makes him happy, so it makes me happy. It''s the same for him and my wanting a new ring-he doesn''t really get it, but he knows it makes me happy.

Does your boyfriend drive an expensive car, spend money on expensive clothes? Myself, I would figure that if someone can afford a $60,000 car or whatever, someone can afford a little more than $500 for a ring. Unless he''s being a smarty pants and teasing you..which isn''t very nice.

I''ll also say that my husband makes in 2 weeks what yours does in a day, and if JD is willing to work w/me to get the ring I want, there''s no reason why your guy can''t do the same.

 

[packrat]

Trillionaire, I love what you said about the motorcycle/budget-made me giggle-good job!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 6/19/2009 5:09:02 PM
Author: packrat
Trillionaire, I love what you said about the motorcycle/budget-made me giggle-good job!

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I agree with the others... Boys generally tend to have the same reaction when they haven''t yet started looking in to rings and their price. I think they have no concept of how $$$ they really are... Once he realized he won''t even be able to buy a diamond for 500$ (unless it''s like .1 carats), he will change his mind pretty quickly. If he doesn''t... then you might have to compromise by sharing the cost or paying for a diamond yourself... Although I think he will come around...

 

[trillionaire]

some guys are very sensitive to the fact that they feel the ring = 'how much you care about the person.' They react to this notion in different ways and often feel judged. Just keep in mind that the commitment is more important than the ring, and you can always upgrade later, when he feels less is on the line. If he is generous and caring, this shouldn't be so much of an issue. If he is selfish and stingy, then, um, don't marry him!

If you are planning to give him an engagement gift, you might mention it, and that you were planning to spend far more than $500....

 

[Dancing Fire]

if he propose with a $500 ring...just say NO!!

 

[HopeDream]

Hi Gemmy129

Have your BF read this thread (all of it) so he has a complete understanding of the signifigance of engagement rings:

The ring or the sentiment

Then have him spend his $500 at a PS vendor with an excellent upgrade policy

Cheers,
HD

 

[Bjedifish]

yikes! well, I think, like many of these ladies have pointed out, perhaps he is unaware of how much a quality engagement ring costs. I was wrestling with contributing some money to the cause for my FF because I would really love a larger stone. I personally feel like there''s nothing wrong with that. maybe talk to him about a compromise when you all really start talking about it. Ya never know, if he knows its important to you he may change his mind!

Laura

 

[radiantquest]

he either said that because he already has an idea of what he wants to get and is throwing you off or he has NO idea of what they cost and thinks that $500 is fair amount to spend. i am sure that if it because he doesnt know how much they cost when he goes out shopping for you he will see that $500 wont get him very far and he will raise his budget. dont worry. i think either way you will make out with more.

 

[radiantquest]

it wouldnt let me add onto the previous post

we set a price that we both felt comfortable spending, then i knocked 2k off of that and then fell in love with something that was half of that, so i ended up with a ring that was less than 1/4 of what we were going to spend and i am thrilled that i got exactly what i wanted! i had some reservations that i should spend the max and get something as big as possible, but when all was said and done i still stare at it several times a day with love over the ring and the love of my now husband

 

[Jessie702]

Goodness....$500...im hoping he is joking and its like $5000....my bf and i havent spoken of a budget for a ring, he know what style i like as far as rings and design and what color gold, and he also know what shaped diamonds i like and what carat. I have left everything else up to him. When we are out and ne notices a ring, and he ask me what i think about it, and i make a comment on what i like and dont like and what i want. HaHa, our last conversion, i pretty much told him what i like and what not to get me. But on the flip side, he told me and got my input on what kind of ring he wants. So i guess it evens out. Maybe flip it on him, and say" well since you think $500 is enough for my ring, how about me spending like $50 to $100 on yours?" and see what he says.

 

[arjunajane]

Umm..if he''s a techy engineer type guy, let him come to the knowledge/RT sections of PS and related sites, and start researching the heck out of the nuances of diamond cut - I''ll bet you that he''ll get thoroughly
involved with the "techyness" of it, it may even make his head spin (and bonus, he''ll learn how much these things actually cost in the process)

 

[ts44]

now that i think about it, i wonder if he may be joking to get a rise out of me. leading up to christmas last year, he told me that for the holiday he''d be getting me a notebook. i went nuts wondering why he would think i wanted a notebook, and why he would think a notebook was an acceptable gift, even for a mere acquaintance! we even argued about it. he assured me that it was a very high-end, expensive notebook, lol. when christmas rolled around, the *notebook* was indeed one of his gifts to me (in the form of a souped up notebook style laptop - i had been imagining something spiral-bound with lined paper .

I don''t really have much to add to this that the other ladies haven''t covered already, but I just want to say that my boyfriend did this to me as well. Except, he said he was getting me a "Dell notebook" and I was expecting a laptop (because mine had finally given up the ghost and I was shopping for one anyway), and he really did get me a notebook. A notebook with the Dell logo on it. It was not the most sensitive thing he ever did, but I do look back now and laugh.

So, it could have been worse.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 6/19/2009 2:39:27 PM
Author: Resonance.Of.Life
Well,, my bf is also the techie type and felt intially the same way your boyfriend did. But really after some consideration on his own, he said ''even though I may not feel an engagement ring is important or that a lot of money should be spent on it, I will get you a nice one because it will make you happy and that''s what I want.''


What really turned me off is your boyfriend''s attitude that his opinion is the only opinion that matters.

Ditto. I think it''ll be a little give and take on both of your parts; if hes really serious about not budging, then yikes?

 

[bigdiamondtinygal]

I''ll echo what many others have said here and say that it sounds like he may not have any idea how much an engagement ring costs. Once you two have a ring shopping excursion and he suffers the initial sticker shock, I would then mention to him that you since your last conversation you have done some research to find some ways to get a more "affordable" ring. While it is important to him that the ring it is not to expensive, it sounds like it is also important to you to have a ring that you will love (regardless of price) which he should also be sensitive to. If I were you I would consider looking at antique rings in warmer colors (maybe look at Leigh Jay Nacht''s site and Jewels by Erica Grace), and buying from other reputable internet vendors (where you can save on sales tax and other premiums). You may also think about considering an eternity band as an engagement ring (Jennifer Garner did it!)...as this can save a lot of cash too. Just an idea...

 

[snogirl17]

Date: 6/19/2009 4:50:03 PM
Author: trillionaire

SO is very anti-engagement rings, blah blah blah.

It was frustrating to hear, but rather than complain and bulk, I told him that I loved how he was willing to challenge the status quo and think for himself, and that those were traits that I really love and admire about him. It''s important to affirm your partner sometimes, even if you don''t agree. And my SO is also an engineer.

He didn''t throw out an explicit budget, but when he was vascillating on a reasonable budget, I threw out: ''You know, I think that what you spent on your motorcycle seems like a reasonable price range. It wasn''t a planned expense, but it seems like the cost was very managable.'' We both knew that he did not save for a motorcycle, he went out and bought it on a whim, a few weeks after he came up with the idea, so he didn''t have much of an argument.

His bike was a frivolous expense, just like my ring would be, but I didn''t make my frivolity seem more important than his. I think it worked well as a parallel, but also gave me some wiggle room. I wanted a 1ct diamond, no more no less, and that is what I am getting

I also agree with deco, RE:

''What if having a nice diamond ring was really important to me regardless of how rational you think it is? How would that affect your decision?''


... part of being a PARTNER is learning and understanding that I don''t have to ''get'' why something is important to ''recognize'' that it is. It''s really important to me that SO goes to the dog park or for a pet walk once a weekend. Dunno why, just is. He doesn''t get it, or even particularly love it, but he does it because it is important for me. And I always thank him, everytime.


Just talk to him. Don''t try to say everything at once. Maybe take him into a jewelry store when you are in the mall, so he can SEE rings on you. Engineers are visual, and also creative. Let him know that he can custom draft some CADs of rings he likes, and have one made that is totally unique. Make him excited about it. Someone on here said they made the 4 C''s sound like finding the perfect car, and negotiating/finding the best price like haggling. And maybe encourage him to talk to a guy friend or two. A friend in college took a frat brother ring shopping, and was talked into buying a 10K ring, right out of college. SO''s co-worker told him that he would never buy a ring worth less than 20K. It might give him some perspective!

i love your motorcycle comparison! My boyfriend of 6 years would love to get a new motorcross bike and i want him to as well, it is one of the reason i fell in love with him is because of his passion for something. Well those are about 4-5K and he would use it for a few years and sell it i am sure and get a new one. Well my e-ring would last a life time! I think that 4-5K is a respectable budget for me! I think i am going to use your tricks

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I am not trying to say that your guy is like mine, but maybe my story will ease your worries. Ever since we started talking about marriage, my fiance put out the whole, "We don't need a silly material thing to express our love..." "I want something simple and modest" "I don't need to ring shop with a girl because the girl that I marry is going to like what I give her..." "I'm the one paying for it, so I pick it out..." He was always "joking," but I sensed that he believed what he was saying. In the beginning I would argue back ("jokingly") and say, "Well, the guy I marry will know that I buy presents that he likes instead of thinking of only myself, and the guy I marry will want to do the same for me"

To tell you the truth, this self centered attitude really put me off, but I started to just let it roll right off my shoulders because at that point we weren't seriously talking marriage. Yes, it did rub me the wrong way to hear that he felt his desires were more important than mine and that my generous nature was not being reciprocated, but there was no point arguing about it.

When it became real marriage talk time though, I did start to put out there what I would like. He even asked me to go ring shopping out of the blue. And when he said, "oh we don't need a ring" with a grin, I said on several occasions, "Baby, you could propose to me today without a ring, and I'd jump up and down and say yes with all my heart... but I'd go out tomorrow and buy myself something sparkly. I have X dollars in the bank right now. So either way, I'm getting a diamond ring!"

And you know what? I received a wonderful proposal with our families present (something that means more to me than the ring) and a gorgeous 1.2 carat cushion.

My advice to you, assuming that he is loving and generous in other areas of your life besides jewelry: chill! He'll come around. And if he doesn't? Buy yourself something sparkly.