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Non existent MOH

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Lanie

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This is the super short condensed version...names have been changed to protect the innocent and not so innocent.

I have comaids of honor because one of my maids of honor (Veronica) has been a "best friend" of mine for 17 years, but we have sort of grown our separate ways. We live in the same city and hang out with the same social circle, but she has been nonsupportive and pretty much non existent throughout my engagement. She is a very, very bitter girl and has been full on drama for the last 5 years or so. She is single and bitter about that, and I get the feeling she isn''t happy that I''m happy. Maid of Honor #2 (Nicole) has taken up her slack and has been the most amazing support ever.

We are trying to finalize a date for my bachelorette party. I want June 5/6, which are a Friday and Saturday. There are 14 girls invited to come with me out of town to go to a day spa, go gambling and just go out and have fun at some bars and clubs. Mind you, Nicole has reached out to Veronica to tell her that we need to finalize a date, and Veronica has never responded. Nicole threw this date out to all of my friends and the other bridesmaids and it works with everyone. We were all pumped and ready to call and book hotels. My fiance is having his bachelor party the same weekend, so it''s really working out. This date works with all of my friends and bmaids....except for Veronica (non existent MOH). She told me and Nicole that she can''t make that date because she has a meeting on the Tuesday after that weekend. Keep in mind this is 2 months away, and if it were me, I would plan accordingly and do what works best with everyone else''s schedules. She suggested an alternative date later in June. This date also happens to work for everyone, but it would mean that my fiance and I have them on separate weekends. My absolute preference is June 5/6.

My question is: Is it bridezilla of me to have it on June 5/6? Veronica made the comment that she "might possibly be able to drive out there for Saturday night only". So she could technically make it. If I switch the weekend, the only reason I''d be doing so is to appease her. If it were any of my other friends, I would do it in a heartbeat. But with her, it''s a manipulative tactic. She came out for 20 minutes the night I got engaged and we all went out and celebrated. She didn''t come to one of my showers, and never told me she wasn''t coming...I found out from the shower host. She has been very ungracious and has pitched a fit at so many things about my wedding and I have had it!

What do I do? Change the date and appease her?
 

vintagelover229

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I''d stick with the date you already have. I know you dont want to step on her toes...but it works well with everything else. If she really wants to be there, she can drive out like you said. Its a tough situation to be in, but if everyone else can make it, well...gotta go with whats going to be easiest for the majority...you shouldnt change plans just for one person, IMO
 

Blair138

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I''m sorry but her meeting is on TUESDAY, not Monday, not Sunday. I think she is being selfish, it''s your bachelorette party, NOT hers. Go with June 5/6. She should make plans accordingly.

You are not being a bridezilla, she is just being rude.
 

Lanie

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Even if that person is my MOH?

I''m afraid the shiz is going to hit the fan if I keep the original date. She might pull the card that I''m not taking her conflict into account.
 

Blair138

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Sorry, but yes, even if she is the MOH. You cannot make EVERYONE happy, she should try her hardest for you. I don''t really see her meeting on Tuesday as a conflict. If it was that Friday or Saturday, that is a conflict. She needs to be there for you. Her other behavior is what is waving a red flag for me. If she was not being like that, and actually helping, I would say switch, but it seems like she is not being helpful or doing her MOH duties. she should do what is best for you.
 

Haven

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What is more important to you--to have your bachelorette party the same weekend as your fiance''s, or to have your MOH there?
Your honest answer to this question should make your decision pretty easy.
 

Winslet

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This girl sounds like a real stinker (I''m sorry if that sounds unsupportive or unhelpful)! Go with the original date. As others have noted, if she''s complaining about your bachelorette party interfering with her TUESDAY meeting, she''s doing it just to be a PITA. I''m sure she''d find a reason to complain about the other date too.
 

Lanie

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Date: 4/12/2009 10:13:24 PM
Author: Haven
What is more important to you--to have your bachelorette party the same weekend as your fiance''s, or to have your MOH there?
Your honest answer to this question should make your decision pretty easy.
More important to me would be to have it the same weekend as my fiance. I just didn''t know if that was a valid reason or not.

I know this is going to cause all kinds of drama bc she has been feeling like i''ve been keeping her out of the loop when it comes to my wedding stuff. But it''s hard to bring her in the loop when she''s negative and bitter. I bet a kajillion dollars after the wedding we barely talk, especially after this.

Thanks girls.
 

Haven

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If that''s your preference, and you think you may not even talk to her after the wedding, then definitely stick with the first date.

Some people will create drama no matter the situation. I''m not sure if she''s one of those people, but it sounds like she might be.
 

jstarfireb

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It would be a lot easier to have sympathy for her if she had been supportive of you, happy for you, or even just put a lot of work into being your MOH. But the way she has behaved...sounds like her true colors are showing, and IMO she''s dug her own grave. Stick with the original date and enjoy the day with your true friends.
 

mrscushion

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I think you should stick with the date, too. I see no reason she can''t come if she has a meeting on Tuesday. Even if she needs to prepare extremely well, she should be able to plan her work so she gets it down ahead of time AND she still has plenty of time to recover from any hangover she might have.
 

FrekeChild

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Ditto to everyone else. A meeting TUESDAY?! Two months from now?! Give me a break!

And if you are drifting apart anyway, I don''t see any reason to move stuff around for her. Sounds to me like she''s MOH in name only.
 

Italiahaircolor

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The date is set, the hotel is booked, the events are planned...done is done. If your MOH can''t or won''t make herself available, then that''s totally on her and should have no baring on you and your good time.

It''s truly unfortunate...but weddings do incredible things when it comes to bringing out the best and worst in the people we thought were friends. You''re not the only bride to have problems with a MOH or bridesmaid...but remember this event is about you ... it''s your bachlorette party ... please don''t allow anyone to have the permission to give you bad memories.

I had a lot of problems with one of my BM''s...to this day, I look back on my wedding and while I have many many happy memories sometime I cannot help remembering the hurt revolving around the things that were said and done (or rather, not done). My wedding is full of bittersweet memories...so please, don''t do this to yourself. You deserve better.
 

havernell

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If you did change the date to accommodate Veronica do you think there''s a chance she could turn around and in a few weeks from now all of a sudden have a "conflict" with the new date too? Then you would have changed the date AND she wouldn''t be there anyway. If she''s as bitter as you say she is, then I wouldn''t put this past her.

Sounds like she had *ample* time to let Nicole and the other girls know that June 5/6 wasn''t good for her, but instead chose not to say anything about it until AFTER the date was choosen. In that case, I think it''s her fault for not speaking up sooner if she was so concerned about missing your party because of her conflict.

So, bottom line- I wouldn''t change your date. She could have avoided this if she had wanted to. But she didn''t want to avoid it. Sounds like she purposely wanted to cause drama (and might still cause drama even if you DO change the date).

Have fun on June 5-6th!
 

VRBeauty

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Just to play Devil''s advocate, I sometimes get involved in meetings that I know will involve last-minute, unavoidable work, tweaking, etc. There are some meetings that I know about half a year or more in advance, and I plan on keeping the week or two leading up to them clear. I don''t know whether this is your MOH''s situation, but it does happen.

That said, it''s still your party and your call. Given all the things that you and your FI will need to do in the weeks leading up to the wedding, having your parties on the same weekend sounds like a smart move and a good enough reason.
 

LaraOnline

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Keep the date you''ve set.
 

bee*

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If you want to have it that weekend, then I''d have it that weekend. Surely she can get everything she needs done for the meeting prior to the friday and as you''ll be back home on the sunday she could do her last minute things then.
 

Lanie

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Thanks for the input everyone.

Havernell saying that she could have told us about her conflict prior to us setting the date is so true.

And VRBeauty''s comment that having a joint party weekend with my FI is smart because it gives us more time to finalize and plan is GOLDEN.

Thank you so much girls. I''ve set the date and I''m waiting for her response. We''ll see what she says....

If she blows up and in the end, we lose our friendship over all of this mess, maybe that''s not a bad thing....
 

meresal

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Lanie, I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Is there any way this is a board meeting or anything of the sort, where she has to do a presentation? The only reason I ask, is because sometimes these kind of things can take months to prepare, including all nighters the weekend before to tie up loose ends.

However, IMHO, it sounds like she is being petty. To use an excuse like "I have a meeting" is very immature and passive agressive. If I had a huge meeting, I would have expressed the severity of the situation, and let you know how sorry I was to have to miss. I think she is just "testing" you.
 

Lanie

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Meresal,

I''m not sure if it''s a board meeting per se, but I know she''s really busy this time of year. In fact, when MOH #1 asked her when a good time for the bachelorette party was a few months ago, she said that from June until October was out since she would be so busy at work. Ummm...my wedding is end of July, so that''s a big chunk of time she wouldn''t be able to make it. By the by Meresal, did you realize we have 103 days to go??? 103 DAYS?!?


So anyway, I don''t know if this was a valid reason for her, but my suspicion is also that she''s testing me and being a PITA just to be one.

As one of my other bridesmaids put it, if she had a big meeting the Tuesday after that weekend, she would plan accordingly and do whatever it took to go on this trip with us. If it mattered to her.

Meresal, what are you doing for yours?
 

tlh

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It is not expected that all the girls can attend all the events (other than the wedding and rehearsal dinner). I''d let your MOH know that the girls are wanting to start planning, and keep the date as is. I would not plan on her losing her cool, because after all it is a celebration about and FOR YOU. Best wishes!
 

NuggetBrain

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Keep the date you have. My MOH is a registered nurse who works almost every weekend AND she''s in the Air Force with drill weekends, and she''s made it known that she will do whatever it takes to do my bachelorette party no matter when it is. I understand meetings can be crazy but even if she just came up for one evening or day it would work.
 

risingsun

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Carry on with the date that works for everyone else. She''ll just have to miss it. It doesn''t seem too high on her priority list anyway.
 

fieryred33143

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I’m a very bitter former MOH so if this comes across in any way harsh, I apologize in advance.


MOHs are there to stand by your side on your special day. They are not there to go through every single process with you or to be as excited about every little thing as you are. What sets apart an awesome MOH from a regular one is an MOH that takes the time to care.


I don’t see the big deal with having your bachelorette party on the same night as your fiance. But the point is that you prefer June 5/6 so you should keep that date. If she can’t make it, you will not call off your wedding, you will not suffer, and you will still have a great time.
 

CellarDoor

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Maybe you should have a talk with her. It sounds like, to me, that you don''t even like this girl very much. You have called her negative and bitter more than once in this thread, and then you said that she feels like you are keeping her out of the loop in regards to your wedding planning... Then you say that it might be best if you end your friendship over this, it doesn''t seem like you are very committed to the friendship in the first place. Honestly, it sounds pretty bridezilla-ish. You seem to be keeping a tally of things that she should have done - stayed out with you the entire evening the night that you got engaged, go to every single one of your showers (it sounds like you have had, or are planning to have more than one), and devote an entire weekend to your bachelorette party regardless of any professional obligations that she may have - especially considering that you seem to think that she is lying about the importance of the meeting.

Something about most of these threads devoted to complaining about bridesmaids really rub me the wrong way. There are so many reasons that this girl may not be breaking her back to cater to your every whim. She already let you know that she would be busy with work from June - October. It sounds kind of like you are the bitter one here, you need to understand that your wedding, and all of the various celebrations that go along with it are not going to be a number one priority for everyone that you know.
 

Lanie

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Date: 4/13/2009 12:40:07 PM
Author: fieryred33143

I’m a very bitter former MOH so if this comes across in any way harsh, I apologize in advance.



MOHs are there to stand by your side on your special day. They are not there to go through every single process with you or to be as excited about every little thing as you are. What sets apart an awesome MOH from a regular one is an MOH that takes the time to care.



I don’t see the big deal with having your bachelorette party on the same night as your fiance. But the point is that you prefer June 5/6 so you should keep that date. If she can’t make it, you will not call off your wedding, you will not suffer, and you will still have a great time.
Thanks fiery for your comments. You were not harsh!


I am not necessarily asking that she be excited about every little thing. I know her personality very well, and she isn''t the type to gush over these things. I was just setting the scene for the rest of you about our relationship for the past 6 months (or actually year) because if I didn''t, most people would say to move the date of the party for your MOH.

The big deal with the bach. party being on the same night is that my fiance is out of town 2 weekends in June, and if we did it separate, that would be 3 weekends apart. The only time we really have to sit and plan and do things are those weekends, and it''s coming down to the wire. We are having a big wedding with lots of details, so I need all the help I can get. And yes, I will have a good time with or without her there!
 

Lanie

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Date: 4/13/2009 12:45:27 PM
Author: CellarDoor
Maybe you should have a talk with her. It sounds like, to me, that you don''t even like this girl very much. You have called her negative and bitter more than once in this thread, and then you said that she feels like you are keeping her out of the loop in regards to your wedding planning... Then you say that it might be best if you end your friendship over this, it doesn''t seem like you are very committed to the friendship in the first place. Honestly, it sounds pretty bridezilla-ish. You seem to be keeping a tally of things that she should have done - stayed out with you the entire evening the night that you got engaged, go to every single one of your showers (it sounds like you have had, or are planning to have more than one), and devote an entire weekend to your bachelorette party regardless of any professional obligations that she may have - especially considering that you seem to think that she is lying about the importance of the meeting.

Something about most of these threads devoted to complaining about bridesmaids really rub me the wrong way. There are so many reasons that this girl may not be breaking her back to cater to your every whim. She already let you know that she would be busy with work from June - October. It sounds kind of like you are the bitter one here, you need to understand that your wedding, and all of the various celebrations that go along with it are not going to be a number one priority for everyone that you know.
Cellardoor...thanks for your input. My tally was for you guys to see how our relationship has been. Like I said up above, if I just told you guys that my MOH couldn''t make my bach. party, then everyone would have said to change the date. I have not asked that she go to both of my showers. It would have been nice for her to tell me she couldn''t make it, rather than hear second hand, that''s all. It would have been nice for her to celebrate with me the night I got engaged, and not know the real reason she wasn''t there (which I didn''t ever say on this post).

My other bridesmaids know that I am not making ANYONE break their back at my every whim. If you knew me, you would know the same. I''m a very easy going person and I hate ruffling feathers or having people fawn over me. I just was asking for the general opinion of whether this was justified, given my history with her. I have been a BM 5 times now myself, and I am well grounded and know that my wedding is my and my fiance''s priority, and don''t expect that from others. I think that many brides gain a sense of entitlement throughout the engagement, and that''s lends to bridezilla behavior. I understand what you mean about brides complaining about a lot of this stuff. I am not that way...just wanted an opinion about what to do from the rest of you, that''s all.

Thank you for your comments.
 

Kelli

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Date: 4/12/2009 10:00:41 PM
Author: Blair138
I''m sorry but her meeting is on TUESDAY, not Monday, not Sunday. I think she is being selfish, it''s your bachelorette party, NOT hers. Go with June 5/6. She should make plans accordingly.

You are not being a bridezilla, she is just being rude.
EXACTLY my thoughts! What the f does a meeting on TUESDAY have to do with the weekend before? If it''s prep work, she''s got plenty of time to do it now. Don''t change your date. You will be miserable the whole time your DF is out having his bachelor party and you''re sitting at home. She hasn''t been a supportive friend anyway.
 

CellarDoor

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I wouldn''t change the date of the bachelorette party, just tell her that is the date that works best for you, and that you hope that she can make it. Maybe you should go out to dinner with just her one night and talk with her. I hate to hear about friendships ending, especially after 17 years. Maybe she is upset that you made her a co MOH instead of being an outright MOH. I know that some women get jealous when their friends form close friendships with other women. I obviously have no idea and am just speculating from what you have said here...
 

Lanie

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Date: 4/13/2009 2:57:07 PM
Author: CellarDoor
I wouldn''t change the date of the bachelorette party, just tell her that is the date that works best for you, and that you hope that she can make it. Maybe you should go out to dinner with just her one night and talk with her. I hate to hear about friendships ending, especially after 17 years. Maybe she is upset that you made her a co MOH instead of being an outright MOH. I know that some women get jealous when their friends form close friendships with other women. I obviously have no idea and am just speculating from what you have said here...
You know, you are probably right. I had thought about that earlier, and I''m sure it has to do with it. Dinner sounds like a good idea, rather than just letting a friendship go.
 
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