Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

No shower...

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.

alli_esq

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 18, 2008
Messages
909
so, I don''t like to think of myself as a bride-y bride, but obviously we all have our moments, right?

because of the financial climate, I''ve told my mother and one of my best friends (in my bridal party) that I don''t feel comfortable having a shower. People would feel obligated to give gifts, to travel, and to throw the darn thing for me (and there would be quite a large guest list), and I just know how tight things are, and how hard it is for everyone to afford these things.

this is where the bride-y stuff comes in though...and where I need you folks to tell me to just cut it out...I''m just sad because I''ve been so so many showers for friends and family and I''ve always loved that feeling of girliness and celebrating and all that--and even meeting much of my FI''s family, whom I''ve never been introduced to...so it makes me sad that I won''t have that prior to the wedding.

now, I am SOOO lucky--I have a great guy, and I''m starting my career...and my parents are paying for more than 75% of my wedding, and they''re throwing the rehearsal dinner, so I definitely don''t want my mother to pay for yet another expensive thing like this. but my FI''s parents don''t really care much for weddings and don''t have any money...and my whole bridal party is feeling the pinch, so I just wanted everyone to know that I don''t expect anything and that they shouldn''t feel obligated to throw yet another party for me--I just don''t need it.

so I guess this is another thread I''ve started asking PS ladies to please just tell me to get over myself. (be as mean as you want, honestly.) It is MUCH more important to me to be a good friend than to do have another party for myself (I''m really not that self-indulgent, I swear), and I just want to not feel sad about it.
 

CNOS128

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 28, 2008
Messages
2,700
Aw, Alli, I''m sorry you''re feeling this way. I can''t tell you to get over yourself, because I would feel the same way. Is there a way you can pare down the guest list and perhaps limit gift prices?

I don''t think of myself as a bridey bride, and I was certain that I didn''t want a shower of any kind. But then my fiance''s sister wanted to throw one. And I felt guilty having another party for myself (as you said) and asking people to travel and bring gifts, etc. But the more I thought about it, the more I really wanted a shower of some sort -- so I asked her to keep the guest list to family (for the sake of keeping it small and mostly local) and to tell the guests they were not allowed to bring gifts.

So, I won''t tell you to cut it out, because I understand the way you feel. Sometimes it''s just fun to sit there in your hat made of ribbons and be celebrated. But if there''s not a way you can do this and still feel comfortable, just know that your friends and family would have loved to gather together for you and they will, soon, at your wedding. (And, in a few years when the economy is better, you can have a fabulous anniversary party).
 

luvthemstrawberries

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 19, 2008
Messages
2,107
Mm, I can''t tell you to cut it out, because I''m in the same predicament. Not only just about the money, but wondering period if it''s something I want to do. Part of me wants to skip it b/c it''s silly and I''ve never really enjoyed them all that much. But the other part says it''s the one chance I have to do something like this that''s for me this time, not someone else. I''m not self-indulgent either, not in the least bit. But that last part of me just keeps thinking about how it''s my one wedding and my one chance for my time, not honoring someone else all the time.
 

luvthemstrawberries

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 19, 2008
Messages
2,107
Date: 2/24/2009 12:26:16 PM
Author: TheBigT
Aw, Alli, I''m sorry you''re feeling this way. I can''t tell you to get over yourself, because I would feel the same way. Is there a way you can pare down the guest list and perhaps limit gift prices?

I don''t think of myself as a bridey bride, and I was certain that I didn''t want a shower of any kind. But then my fiance''s sister wanted to throw one. And I felt guilty having another party for myself (as you said) and asking people to travel and bring gifts, etc. But the more I thought about it, the more I really wanted a shower of some sort -- so I asked her to keep the guest list to family (for the sake of keeping it small and mostly local) and to tell the guests they were not allowed to bring gifts.

So, I won''t tell you to cut it out, because I understand the way you feel. Sometimes it''s just fun to sit there in your hat made of ribbons and be celebrated. But if there''s not a way you can do this and still feel comfortable, just know that your friends and family would have loved to gather together for you and they will, soon, at your wedding. (And, in a few years when the economy is better, you can have a fabulous anniversary party).
This is the only suggestion I had. Keep it smaller so you can still meet your FI''s family and have yours there too, but don''t extend the guest list far beyond that. You can even ask local people to bring a little bit of food, or ask everyone coming (who''s not traveling a long way) to bring a little bit of their favorite snack or drink, that way no one spends much money, but there''s food for everyone to share! It could be really fun and laid back.
 

allycat0303

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
3,255
Honestly, it sounds to me as though you REALLY want a shower, but you are trying to be considerate not having one. If you want one, you should have one. I believe that people who can afford to come will come, and those that can`t for financial reasons or what not then won''t.

I`m not having a shower because I really don''t feel like having one, and trust me there will be NO regrets about it. It doesn`t intrest me, and I''m too down to get into this stuff. I''m probably going to nix the bachlorette too because it''s not me, but it sounds to me like you will have regrets if you don`t have it.
 

NewEnglandLady

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2007
Messages
6,299
Date: 2/24/2009 12:33:52 PM
Author: allycat0303
Honestly, it sounds to me as though you REALLY want a shower, but you are trying to be considerate not having one. If you want one, you should have one. I believe that people who can afford to come will come, and those that can`t for financial reasons or what not then won't.

I`m not having a shower because I really don't feel like having one, and trust me there will be NO regrets about it. It doesn`t intrest me, and I'm too down to get into this stuff. I'm probably going to nix the bachlorette too because it's not me, but it sounds to me like you will have regrets if you don`t have it.
Allycat is right--you don't need to talk yourself out of a shower--it seems that you really do want one and there is nothing wrong with that.
 

Lanie

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 20, 2008
Messages
1,793
I''m in the same boat Alli_esq. I''m even more weird about my registry (why do I need all of these new pots? My pots I have had since college are fine! I don''t NEED anything!) so I''m weird about showers too. I think I''m having 3 (definitely 2 and I think my coworkers will throw me one).

I told my bmaids not to get me anything for the showers. One of my friends was just laid off of her job, and I told her not to get me anything. I told them to just come if they were able, and I wouldn''t care in the least if they got me a gift. I just wanted to hang out with them!

Kind of a side note....I don''t like to be in the spotlight that much, so one of my friends gave me a fun suggestion for my shower coming up. She said that I could let people take turns opening the gifts that I had received and I will write down what they got me. That way I don''t have to be in the spotlight, and they have fun opening the gifts. I thought it was an interesting suggestion that I might try.

I would not feel bad if I were you. This is your time to be honored, and people really do want to give you gifts. You have probably done it for countless other friends, so let them honor you this time! Like you (or someone else) said, this is one of the few times that you will be in the limelight, and if you are comfortable with that, let people show you their love for you!!!
 

wannaBMrsH

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 27, 2008
Messages
1,049
Alli, I was not having any showers initially either, mostly due to the fact that we are havng a destination wedding in the current economic climate. I didn't want people to feel obligated to buy presents for a shower and then have to shell out money to travel to our wedding.

But several friends have offered to throw them regardless and so my solution was the following:

1) I am having a bridal non-shower with all my friends, FI's female relatives and my female relatives. We are going to have the bridal shower games and great food (we are thinking of a Sunday around 4PM) and since FI and I are definitely not registering, we are putting a note on the invitation that their presence is their gift.

2) I am having a bachelorette party. We are going to play a round of Bar Golf and even though we are also not asking for gifts, there is this cool gift game that our friends do for the bachelorette party. Every guest is asked to bring the bride a panty (a thong, hiphugger, whatever) and then the bride has to guess who gave her what. It's fun because you get tons of panties and you are always surprised by who brings the leopard print leather thong!

I would suggest something similar since it seems that you are craving the comraderie more than the gifts themselves. Hope this helps!
 

kama_s

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 12, 2008
Messages
3,617
I really didn''t want people to bring gifts for another event, so I decided against a bridal shower even before we decided on a wedding date! But, I did want to have a nice girly day, I decided that myself, mum, mum-in-law, sister-in-law and a good friend will all go for high tea and have a nice afternoon together...sans gifts, ofcourse. Could you perhaps do something like that?
 

galvana

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 4, 2008
Messages
884
Alli
there is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way and none of us are going to tell you to stop it!
YOU SHOULD HAVE A SHOWER. like many said here.................those that can afford to come and bring gifts will and those who can''t = wont.
Period!
its nice of you to say you wont have one to help others out but you should have one! just for the reasons you listed.
To meet FI''s family, to have a get together before the wedding! ETC ETC.

I say have ONE! and I believe the MOH puts on the shower. ? no?
anyway - i think you should have one. it does not have to be a big / expensive thing.
 

alli_esq

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 18, 2008
Messages
909

theBigT: thanks for understanding...I feel so dumb...but you''re right...I always did picture myself with a hat of ribbons...and I always loved being involved in other people''s showers, doing that stuff for them. I went to my FSIL''s bridal shower before I even dated FI (long story--I was FSIL''s now husband''s brother''s date...haha), just because I love being a part of the action. One of my closest friends is getting married 3 1/2 months before I am (she''s in my party and I''m in hers), and I just know that as much as I will be excited to be at her shower and involved in the planning (though her mother is paying for it), I know I''ll be a little envious, and UGH I HATE MYSELF for that.


I don''t know how much of the guest list I could really cut down (though I haven''t made one yet obviously...I''m just going by the wedding list), even though almost all my family is out of town and many of them would want to come, or at least be invited...ALL of FI''s family lives nearby...so I don''t know...


luvthemstrawberries: I know showers aren''t for everyone, but I just love them...and yeah, I guess there is something deep down that just wants a "me" celebration...lol...as self-indulgent as that sounds...

allycat0303: it''s true, I do want one, but I don''t want people to feel obligated or to put anyone in more of a financially difficult situation than they''re already in...I''m not into the usual bachelorette party either--I was hoping that for that, I''d have a weekend away at my parents'' house in the woods with some of my besties so that I could cover the cost of that, or at least it would be very inexpensive...

NewEnglandLady: I don''t know, I think there is something wrong with it...the problem is that there is no one who can afford to have a party, and there is no place that they could have the party for "free"...my mother doesn''t like (read: won''t have) people over at her house, and none of my other friends have homes or apartments large enough to throw any kind of a party (we live in NY)...so it would have to be at some kind of restaurant...and because my parents are already paying for so much, they won''t pay for this (I wouldn''t want them to anyway)...

all of my bridal party has financial issues (MOH is in the process of moving from TO to DC and doesn''t have a job yet; BM1 works for a big law firm where they''re cutting lawyers left and right; BM2 is getting married right before I am, and in the process of buying a house; BM3 is my FSIL and she sort of hates weddings in general and my sorta Man of Honor just found out that everyone at his company has to take paycuts of their already really meager salaries)...and I just know that none of them can afford to throw a party like this (and two of them didn''t even know it was customary to throw a shower...so...yeah)

Lanie: I really do appreciate you understanding...it is really nice that people want to do that for you, though


wannaBMrs.H: I do more want the camaradarie, but the truth is, it''s the throwing of the party that would cost the most, and no one is able to foot that bill...

kama_s: that is a sweet idea, but if you include the bridal party, that''s already 8 people, and my mother''s friends would all be so hurt...my mom was always invited (and actually, almost always contributed) to all of their kids'' bridal and baby showers...

iloveprincesscuts: thanks for understanding...as I said above, my MOH is having serious financial problems that no one anticipated before I asked her to be my MOH...and I just feel terrible because I didn''t ask people to be in my wedding to take on some kind of financial baggage
 

mayachel

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 2, 2008
Messages
1,749
What about planning something else that is low budget but celebrates the occasion? Yes it would still require travel, but you know what? People want to celebrate this special event in your life. When I think back to my first friend who got married right out of college, and how hard it was for me to scrape together $25 for gas, $50 for the hotel (shared with three girls) etc...I wouldn''t have missed it for the world. Looking back, it was a lot of money for me at the time, but now I assure you I''m glad I didn''t miss it.

How about asking your bridesmaids to organize a blessing way of sorts? You could have very specific requests for people to bring aspects of the day, such as candles, flowers, beads to string a necklace, words of love on paper. Or even tackle a DIY wedding project? But as a "you are invited to come at 3:00pm light refreshments will be served" not, "if you don''t have anything else going on you can come if you want to"http://www.consciousweddings.com/index.php?d=meaningful_rituals&p=blessing_ways
 

Elmorton

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 5, 2007
Messages
3,998
Alli - you''re not being selfish by wanting a shower. I had some problems with the shower planning - my Grandma told me that she''d love to host it, but she lived too far away. My mom, whom I love very much and don''t I want to sound cruel, was a little pre-occupied with her own emotional issues tied to my wedding to notice these things (plus, if there was a word that''s opposite of hostess, that would describe her), my aunts are far away, I don''t have siblings, and my MOH had no idea what weddings entail...so out of the all the women in my life, there was no one to host a shower. I was really, really hurt and pretty upset about it - there is a really nice feminine/female bond thing that is special about the shower and I felt really down in the dumps that I wasn''t going to have that.

So I threw myself a shower. On the invites, a friend of mine (my neighbor) agreed to be "host" along with my MoH (who wasn''t even there on the day)...and then I booked the food (mom paid for it) the location (a great room at my apartment complex), got a nice floral arrangement, and I printed out the invites and sent them. I don''t think anyone other than my neighbor and my mom really knew that I planned the whole thing (does it matter?). It was a beautiful shower and I don''t regret a minute of it.

In terms of guests coming/brining gifts: People will come if they can afford it, and they''ll bring a gift they can afford (or even make you something). I don''t think you should worry about that - like a few posters said, make sure you have lots of small registry items - maybe even do a "low scale" registry like Target (DH and I did this since we had a lot of friends who were still in college/on their own/etc). But otherwise, the guest will decide if it''s an event they can come to. A shower can be done on such a small budget, too, so the host doesn''t need to do something elaborate.

The point is, it''s OK to want a shower and you SHOULD have one if you want one. There''s a reason people have them, and it''s NOT just to grab up more gifts.
 

Elmorton

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 5, 2007
Messages
3,998
Date: 2/24/2009 2:13:07 PM
Author: mayachel
What about planning something else that is low budget but celebrates the occasion? Yes it would still require travel, but you know what? People want to celebrate this special event in your life. When I think back to my first friend who got married right out of college, and how hard it was for me to scrape together $25 for gas, $50 for the hotel (shared with three girls) etc...I wouldn''t have missed it for the world. Looking back, it was a lot of money for me at the time, but now I assure you I''m glad I didn''t miss it.

How about asking your bridesmaids to organize a blessing way of sorts? You could have very specific requests for people to bring aspects of the day, such as candles, flowers, beads to string a necklace, words of love on paper. Or even tackle a DIY wedding project? But as a ''you are invited to come at 3:00pm light refreshments will be served'' not, ''if you don''t have anything else going on you can come if you want to''http://www.consciousweddings.com/index.php?d=meaningful_rituals&p=blessing_ways
Ditto this in a huge way. My DH and I have been complaining recently because we''ve figured that we''ll be spending about $1500 on my friend''s wedding after all is said and done with travel, my BM dress, gifts, her bachelorette etc - our vacation savings are now completely gone. But, if we really, really couldn''t swing it, I could say no to the extra things, make a gift instead of purchase a registry item, skip the shower, etc. The reality is that while what we''re spending feels outrageous right now, we''re both very excited to celebrate with my friend and her FI and we wouldn''t miss the wedding for the world - we WANT to be there to share it with them, and that''s why we''re participating.
 

alli_esq

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 18, 2008
Messages
909
thank you girls so much for your suggestions...

I do have quite a few low-budget items on my registry (the higher priced stuff is really just in case we later decide to buy them ourselves and we want the discount!), so I guess my concern is less that people will buy us gifts than neither I nor my friends can afford to throw a shower anywhere...

like I said, we really don''t have a place to have the shower...my mom, like yours, elmorton, is very much the opposite of a hostess...she doesn''t clean, she doesn''t like having people over, etc...and my FI''s mother wouldn''t be any better--she doesn''t like to have people over, and she honestly doesn''t care about our wedding in general. I have the distinct feeling FI''s parents will even be the slightest bit resentful to give a shower gift, much less host a party. (as much as they are nice people, they think I''m a "princess" because once--2 1/2 years ago--I made a comment, while we were all helping to move FI into his new apartment, that I was disappointed that I wouldn''t be able to see my parents that night because the moving took longer than we anticipated...I wouldn''t normally have cared, but it was my birthday that day... haha. so yes, they already see me as that self-indulgent jerk I''m trying not to be here.)

none of my other friends has the space to host a party, and neither do I in my own apartment...so I don''t know. it just seems sort of impossible right now.
 

littlelysser

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 8, 2005
Messages
1,862
If you want the shower so badly, is there a reason you can''t pay for it yourself?
 

alli_esq

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 18, 2008
Messages
909
yeah, I can''t afford it
I wouldn''t even be having the wedding at all if my parents weren''t paying for almost all of it...as shameful as that sounds...
 

neatfreak

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 17, 2007
Messages
14,167
Why don't you just have the shower but specify no gifts? If it's just about spending girly time with the people you love there is no need for gifts...and also, why does it have to be expensive? Have it at someone's home (ISOMEONE you know must have a house they can lend) and serve a simple brunch. It doesn't have to be fancy and at a country club or something.
 

alli_esq

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 18, 2008
Messages
909
Date: 2/24/2009 3:43:27 PM
Author: neatfreak
Why don''t you just have the shower but specify no gifts? If it''s just about spending girly time with the people you love there is no need for gifts...and also, why does it have to be expensive? Have it at someone''s home (ISOMEONE you know must have a house they can lend) and serve a simple brunch. It doesn''t have to be fancy and at a country club or something.
I honestly can''t think of anyone who could host it...maybe my friend who is getting married 3 1/2 months before I am will have a house by then...but other than that, no one has the space or the inclination to host it. MY FSIL does have a house, but like I said, she really doesn''t like weddings or wedding-related events, and I''m sure she doesn''t want to be involved in mine (I love her, but it''s just not something she enjoys...she hated even being a bride herself). In any case, I am certainly not going to ask someone if I can intrude into their home so that I can have a shower.

I do appreciate all the advice, ladies. I really would love to do something, but in these tough economic times, I really just have to get over myself already. Just because I imagined having stuff like this when I was a teenager doesn''t mean I''m missing out in life just because I can''t do it now.

I am lucky to be getting married to my best friend, and lucky that we both have jobs. I just have to keep my mind on that right now. I am grateful for what I have...I shouldn''t focus on what I don''t. Sorry for starting this topic...I should have known that you would all be so sweet and try to help me out here--I just don''t feel like I can do anything right now, since I''m already having trouble making ends meet (as is the case with many of the people I know and care about).
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
Bridal showers don't need to be expensive to be meaningful...

Prehaps instead of the traditional thing, you could put a little spin on things...like a "personal shower"...where your closest friends could give you naughty goodies instead of kitchenwear. You could keep it small, intimate and fun! All you'd need is a nice spread of 'nosh food and a blender of margaritas!

Or, have a "Well Fed Shower"...this is where woman each bring a recipe card or two or three or more with their favorite recipe(s) on it...your Mother or bridesmaids traditionally give you a lovely recipe box as a gift. And instead of traditional gifts, you get a mutlitude of wonderful recipes which will last far longer than a set of dish towels! And whats super nice about this, is that you could still "invite" family and friends to join in that maybe couldn't afford to do a large gift for a traditional shower...all they have to do is mail in their gift for the cost of a notecard and stamp!! And heck, if you have this...we PS could contribute recipes as well.

Basically, there is no need to "miss out" on the bridal experience, sometimes it just takes a pinch of creativity...but its out there!
 

Morgie44

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 13, 2007
Messages
634
This may come across as harsh, and maybe I am totally wrong, if so please feel free to ignore but here goes... I was feeling the same way you are a few weeks ago about not having a shower. I thought of almost every reason in the world that no one was going to have a shower for me. While part of my feelings were sadness because no one had said anything about a shower for me, and in the end for whatever reason, I think that I was wanting to feel sorry for myself so I thought of every reason in the world that no one would be able or willing to host one for me to sink deeper and deeper in to that feeling of sadness. In a way, it made me happy to feel sad about it. I kind of feel like you are doing the same thing.

I know that you said your mom isn''t much of a host, neither is my mom. She doesn''t keep a very neat and tidy house, so any event requires a deep cleaning and weeks of stressing on her part about anything and everything, but when it comes down to it, I know that she if she knew it was important to me to have a shower, she would do it for me without batting an eye. It doesn''t have to be expensive or elaborate by any means. You could do a brunch and have each of your bridesmaids bring a dish or two and do simple candy favors, if anything. If your mom''s house is completely out of the question, then see about a local legion, church, or VFW hall or even a pavilion at a local park. You could do a couples shower type thing and just make it a casual barbeque. I think that if you mention to your mom or BF that you know you said that you didn''t want a shower, but realized that you kind of do, they will do their best to make it happen.

PS - it turns out for me, in the last two weeks since my doom and gloom episode, both my aunt and FI''s mom and sisters (who HATE me) have said they are planning showers for us. While your FI''s family may not be into weddings I am sure they are still into your FI and you and so maybe he can try to casually bring something up to his mom or sister and get a wheel turning?
 

Haven

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 15, 2007
Messages
13,166
Here''s an idea:

I''ve been to a bridal shower in a public park. It was lovely. Everyone brought a dish, so it was potluck, and we played sports outside because we''re athletic like that.

You could totally girl-it-up with a shower in the park, though. Have a picnic theme, the host could say something like "we''re forgoing shower gifts for finger foods" so everyone knows that they should bring a picnic type food instead of a gift, and I don''t see why you couldn''t play some fun shower games outside. The best part? No admission fee to enter a public park! AND, if you ask me, there''s nothing better than being outside.
 

alli_esq

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 18, 2008
Messages
909
aw, Morgie44, that''s not mean at all. I think you''re sort of right. I''m kind of in a downward spiral about FI''s parents and I think that this is sort of where this is all coming from. if they would have offered to help at all with the wedding or the rehearsal dinner (which, of course, is not at all their obligation, but there is a lot to this story that I don''t feel I have the energy to get into right now), my mom would have gladly paid for a shower for me. but as it stands, I know that FI''s family really doesn''t care about that stuff, and doesn''t have the money to help us with it.

I''ve mentioned having the shower/rehearsal dinner at my mom''s house before, but my mother very quickly told me that she wasn''t interested in that. As it is, she only has company twice a year and I am made to do all the hosting/cooking/cleaning beforehand, which is very exhausting, and which I don''t feel I''ll be up to as my work gets more intense and the wedding planning gets busier...

I''m sure there are cheaper methods for having a shower, but my bridal party lives all over the place and only a couple of them even care about wedding stuff. I don''t think any of them are up to planning a whole party, especially if it means scoping out locations and dealing with decorations, etc...I don''t know. Maybe they''ll surprise me. but I don''t want to look forward to something that I truly can''t picture any of them doing.

Anyway, I''m sorry for being "gloom and doom"--like I said, I have to just get over it already. And I have to drop my feelings of resentment towards FI''s family. It''s not their fault that they don''t think that celebrating this stuff is as important as I do, and as much as it saddens me not to feel excitement coming from his friends or his family, I know my family and friends are happy for me, and that should be enough. Actually, it should be (and deep down, it is, of course) enough that FI even wants to marry me. Like I said, I really am a lucky gal.
 

alli_esq

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 18, 2008
Messages
909
Haven: that sounds so nice...I wish that my mother was open to unconventional things like this...haha...she hates anything remotely different and is so annoyingly judgmental...but I''ll try mentioning something like that...

like I said, I''m not so worried about the gifts...the registry is filled with many $10-$20 items, and I don''t think those are things that would break the bank of most of the people coming...it''s just the cost and the dealing with the planning of an actual party that I don''t really think is possible for my bridal party...

I''m sorry...morgie was right about me being down in the dumps.
 

Haven

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 15, 2007
Messages
13,166
Alli--Jus tso you know, your family should not be the ones to throw you a shower anyway, especially if it's a real shower where people are going to "shower" you with gifts, because it would be like a member of your own family asking for gifts for you.

Your bridesmaids, mom's friends, dear friends, etc. are generally the ones to throw a shower, so don't feel bad AT ALL that your mom is volunteering to do so.

I'll try to think of other easy-on-the-budget options. I'll get back to you!

ETA: If you're mom is traditional, she DEFINITELY wouldn't be okay with throwing a shower for you, or having your FI's family throw one. It's a huge no-no with the etiquette crowd for a family member to throw a shower of any kind. My own family is big on etiquette and "the right way of doing things" (HA!) and my mother would have cut off her own nose before throwing a shower for me.
In this case, I'll work on thinking of traditional, yet cost-effective alternatives!
 

alli_esq

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 18, 2008
Messages
909
you're so sweet, Haven! thank you so much...

ETA: haha, mom is selectively traditional, I should say
she wouldn't mind the whole "mom paying for shower" thing, but would be appalled at a shower not being held at a nice restaurant or at very least at someone's home. she hates being outdoors or in any way mildly uncomfortable. she's older and in not-so-great health, and tends to just be super snippy. of course, I love her, but she's a difficult (if not impossible) woman to please.
 

alli_esq

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 18, 2008
Messages
909
you know what it is--I think it''s just that my friends and others don''t have the money, and many of them, the interest, in doing something like this. I think that''s the main feeling i have about it.

the gifts aren''t as big a deal as the party planning itself--two of the bridal party didn''t even know that it was traditional to throw a shower at all and I guess that makes me sad...and it makes me angry at myself for caring about it, especially since money is so tight all over.
 

Haven

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 15, 2007
Messages
13,166
alli--Don't beat yourself up about being disappointed about this whole thing. Your feelings are your feelings, and you don't need to validate them be angry at yourself for having them. This is clearly one way that you wanted to celebrate your upcoming marriage, and I totally understand that.

How about a tea party? I imagine that tea would be less expensive than a full brunch, and it certainly would be the traditional, nice restaurant setting that your mom would like.

As for who is going to host this party, is there any polite way you could approach your bridesmaids and say something like "I was thinking about the wedding and the current economy and how much it is costing everyone to participate. What would you guys think about throwing a low-key shower-esque get-together in as our wedding gift?" I know that it is presumptuous to assume that someone is going to give you a gift, and trust me, I am the FIRST person to say "stay mum" when it comes to mentioning gifts. However, if you are really close with these girls, perhaps you could broach the subject. I know that it would break my heart if one of my sisters or dear friends really wanted a wedding shower but didn't get one because she didn't want to put us out, when we could have taken what we (the bridesmaids) spent on registry gifts and provided her with the experience, instead. Of course, as a bridesmaid I always expect to give a gift and throw a shower, so perhaps they are thinking of that, already?

Alternatively, you could try to have a really honest heart-to-heart with your mom and tell her how you feel about the shower and maybe that would change her mind about hosting the party.

I really feel for you here, and I really, really hope that someone will step up and give you the shower you want. As Italia said, a shower does not need to be expensive to be nice.

ETA: I wanted to say two other things, too.

1) Who is your MOH? Whenever I'm the MOH I make sure to communicate all of these details to the other bridesmaids as soon as we are all introduced/announced, just so a) the bride doesn't find herself sad and disappointed in a situation like this, and b) the other girls can voice any concerns or issues they'll have with being able to participate in all the pre-wedding hoopla. Can you ask your MOH to take the reins, here? I also ask the bride if she wants a shower, and what type, etc, so we can give her what she wants.

2) If your bridesmaids do end up throwing the shower, then your mom really won't have a say in what type of party it is, anyway, since she won't be hosting it, so THAT problem would be solved!
 

rainwood

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Mar 29, 2005
Messages
1,485
Alli -

I agree that it''s okay for you to want the fun aspects of a shower and thoughtful of you to be thinking of other people''s financial situation. One of the good things about a bad economy is that it''s a chance to get back to the essence of things. I''m a lot, lot older than you and back when I got married, bridal showers were much simpler and smaller. My favorite shower was where each guest brought a copy of a favorite recipe and the gift was something modest in price but involved in the recipe, whether it was a cookie sheet for cookies, a strawberry huller for strawberry pie, a quiche pan for quiche Lorraine, etc. I''ve been married 30 years and I still have those recipes! And both my showers were potluck, at someone''s house, with just the locals. I didn''t expect my OOT bridal party members to come to both or either of them or to pay for anything. And I went to lots of showers where there were more people than chairs, and people sat on the floor. Those were usually the most fun. There''s no reason you couldn''t have a bridal shower like that. And you''d still get the fun part of a get-together. And I''ll bet there''s one person who''d organize a few of the games or at least do the ribbon hat or bouquet or whatever you want if you keep it simple. Or you could bring the stuff for the games yourself if it''s important to you.

So if you want a shower, use that lawyer''s brain of yours to think of ways to make it work instead of identifying reasons why it won''t.
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!
    Seven-Stone Stunner
    Seven-Stone Stunner
    What is White Gold?
    What is White Gold?
    Push Present: Engagement Ring Upgrade
    Push Present: Engagement Ring Upgrade

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.

New posts

Top