No ''making love'' till marriage...

[MermaidKelly]

I am a virgin, and hope to remain so until I get married. My guy knows this and is completely fine with waiting, that is not the issue. (will admit though, at times it can be super hard, we help eachother through weak moments lol) Problem is, this seems to be making LIW status even HARDER for me!

Anyone else going through something similar?

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 2/17/2010 3:11:05 PM
Author:MermaidKelly
I am a virgin, and hope to remain so until I get married. My guy knows this and is completely fine with waiting, that is not the issue. (will admit though, at times it can be super hard, we help eachother through weak moments lol) Problem is, this seems to be making LIW status even HARDER for me!

Anyone else going through something similar?

I sometimes wish I was. I always thought I would wait for marriage and sometimes regret that I haven''t.

Wish I had something more to offer you. Good luck with your wait. Just think about how special it will be when you are married. If that doesn''t work, remind yourself that you may regret it later if you don''t wait.


ETA: another upside -- no fear of pregnancy before wedding

 

[luckynumber]

i would never be happy embarking on a marriage without making 100% sure we were sexually compatible.

i have seen some marriages disastrously fall apart because of wildly diverging opinions on what constitutes a great sex life (i''m not saying that will happen to you mermaid!)

worst thing was, they couldn''t tell their families what went wrong...

granted, you don''t need to do it 4 times a weekend just to be sure, but....

i don''t know how you do it, but you are one strong cookie mermaid, as is your BF. stay strong!

my guy falls apart after a 24 dry spell....

 

[oddoneout]

You are strong holding back. It will be special though when you do.

 

[yellowcrayon]

I really never post on here (just always lurk), but I came across your thread and wanted to comment.

Both my husband and I were virgins when we got married. We dated for 1 1/2 years before tying the knot. I know that's not the longest time in the world, but like you're experiencing...it gets hard to wait! We kept each other accountable and we had people around us "cheering us on". My mentality was, "I've come this far, I've only got a little ways to go."

And honestly, sex on our wedding night was amazing and to this day is AMAZING. For us, getting married didn't have anything to do with sexual compatibility...yes, sex plays a HUGE part in marriage. But, it had to do with committing to be with our best friend for the rest of our lives. If everything else is right in your relationship, the sex will come along. It can be awkward or strange at first; but it's something that always gets better with time and practice

and communication. My husband and I are both REALLY glad that we waited until we were married. The first time was GREAT...and every time since then has just gotten better and better. We wouldn't change it for the world. That night was really special...and we both felt like we had received a gift that couldn't have been bought for the all the money in the world.

I want to encourage you to hold on!

 

[babycush]

I think it's great that you are sticking to your guns. Sex is one of the most important parts of life (in my opinion!) and every person owes it to themselves to be true to their own needs and standards.

We, on the other hand, got busy on the first date

. Neither of us was a virgin when we got together, and we just went for it. This is NOT something that I readily admit, and my best friend and his brothers are probably the only people that know. I would never recommend that people jump in as quickly as we did. We got extremely lucky.

 

[rierie26]

Wow. I commend you for sticking with your convictions! No real advice here, I''ve never been in your shoes but I guess if you''re having a hard time refraining you could always list the reasons why you''re waiting.

 

[yssie]

Wow.. must be hard!



I can''t really add anything of value since I would personally be very uncomfortable not knowing if my partner and I are sexually compatible before taking that huge step.



Another sex on the first date here

- what we officially consider first date, anyway! Though we knew each other beforehand, and had quite the history, so...

 

[i love shiny things]

I say you should stick to it. I think it is something very valuable you have. Just wondering how old are you, how long have you been dating, and is your bf a virgin too?

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I commend you on waiting until you''re married, I know it must not be easy.

I too am one of those women who chose to connect with DH very soon after meeting him (date #2). Intimacy is very important to a successful and fulfilling relationship, and sexual compatibility is a big part of that. Not to mention it''s just plain fun

One tidbit of advice I''d like to give is please read up on the subject before your wedding night-both you and your bf. Many people who wait have inflated ideas of how the event will go and are disappointed with what they get. While it will be special for both of you regardless, try and brush up on your knowledge of what to expect and how you can make it even more enjoyable and special for both of you. There are many books that you can pick up at your local bookseller that will give you the info you need without making you feel like you''re compromising your integrity or belittling the occasion. I personally like "The Guide to Getting It On" as it''s written by younger people and is more a how to and what is this all about book than a clinical guide.

 

[AustenNut]

I used to be in the no-sex until marriage boat as well. And I developed a list of reasons for why I wanted to abstain, and actually discussed the issue with my minister. After 10 months of being with my boyfriend I realized that those conditions were already met and we ended up doing the deed and have been sexually active since. Some of those conditions included the two of us seeing us spending the rest of our lives together, being financially able to handle children and have the space for them in a house, being emotionally prepared in case a child should appear (though we probably won''t try for kids for about 3-4 years more, but if it happened it wouldn''t be catastrophic), and also having excellent birth control options in place (which was actually an issue for me since I can''t use most forms of birth control).

But I commend you and your boyfriend for wanting to wait. If you''re trying to minimize the risk of acting on your physical desires then you may want to try group outings (double dates, hosting/attending parties, etc). When it''s just the two of you try to stick to public areas (either really out in public or in the family room or kitchen if you''re still living at home). Depending on where you currently draw your physical boundaries you may want to take a break from some of the more extensive activities so that you can see if abstaining from the heavier physical activity reduces your desire for the stuff that will take you beyond where you''re comfortable going. Making a list of the reasons why you''re abstaining and thinking about them frequently might also help. If you don''t have anyone already, you might also want to get an accountability partner to help you deal with this issue. Good luck with whatever you decide!

 

[UnderBlue]

Can I ask why are you waiting?



======
When groups say things like, "Who wants to chew gum that someone else has already chewed?" or they make it seem like your only value is in being a virgin, it really irks me. I was never raised with the idea sex was only for after marriage and never thought I''d wait until I was married. I can''t imagine how my ideas and expectations about it would have built up if I''d waited 8 or 9 years.

 

[Tuckins1]

Date: 2/17/2010 6:06:00 PM
Author: luckynumber
i would never be happy embarking on a marriage without making 100% sure we were sexually compatible.



i have seen some marriages disastrously fall apart because of wildly diverging opinions on what constitutes a great sex life (i''m not saying that will happen to you mermaid!)


worst thing was, they couldn''t tell their families what went wrong...


Ditto!!

 

[trillionaire]

It''s a very special thing to only share yourself intimately with one person in life, so bravo to you two for making that commitment to each other! FI and I were virgins when we met, and we waited about 1.5 yrs before we were intimate, so I certainly understand the difficulty of waiting. I don''t regret not waiting until I was married (was never my goal), but if it had been, I imagine that it would have been very important to me. It''s wonderful that your partner respects your decision, and that you support each other when things get tough! Don''t put pressure, or really any expectation on the first time, and know that your connection will grow over time.

... and plan a short engagement period, if times get tough. I know a lot of people that did 6 month engagements, or slept in separate beds for the months preceding their wedding to avoid temptation... not a bad idea, because engagement, wedding stuff, etc can make you soooooo sentimental. Also, easy on the alcohol

It gets me everytime!

 

[princesss]

Date: 2/17/2010 3:11:05 PM
Author:MermaidKelly
I am a virgin, and hope to remain so until I get married. My guy knows this and is completely fine with waiting, that is not the issue. (will admit though, at times it can be super hard, we help eachother through weak moments lol) Problem is, this seems to be making LIW status even HARDER for me!

Anyone else going through something similar?

Of course it's making it harder! Not only do you want to get engaged, you've got all sorts of hormones raging, and you just. want. it. to. happen.

I like Austin Nut's idea of making a list of reasons that you're abstaining and reading it when you need a boost of self-control.

However, I'd also question those reasons - a lot of times I make decisions at one time in my life and when I finally reevaluate the reasons, they're no longer valid/don't represent who I am now. Just make sure that the choices you're making are still right for you, KWIM?

I also second HH's idea about reading up on it - the first time can be awkward and disappointing if you've built it up to be an amazing thing. The connection is, no doubt about it, but the execution is often lacking in the early days. (ETA: I say this from experience - my BF and I were both virgins when we started dating, and it was awkward at first!)

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I read a story in chicken soup for the bride''s soul that could be fun for you to do after you set a date The guy in the story made a huge paper chain of the days until that night and each night the girl would take one chain off. On the last night they broke the last one together I dunno, i just thought it was really sweet

 

[babycush]

Date: 2/18/2010 7:37:34 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
I personally like ''The Guide to Getting It On'' as it''s written by younger people and is more a how to and what is this all about book than a clinical guide.

I have to second this book recommendation- it is an EXCELLENT read on all topics related to sex.

 

[nkarma]

That must be hard. I have seen a few couples rush (in my opinion) into marriage so they can consumate it. Also, just my opinion, but seems like something that should not at all be a factor on when you get married but inevitably will be if you are not asexual.

I think sex in America in general is SOOOO confusing. It is this unspoken bad thing that your parents and society warn you about but at the same time everywhere from **** to sex and the city to 90210. None of those things are near reality. And just like alcohol is taboo before you are 21 which leads to a lot of binge drinking, the whole focus on sex in this country (to have it or to not) I think is definitely contributing to a lot of problems.

Not that I want to quote this woman, but I think Jessica Simpson said after she had sex with her husband after they were married "What's the big deal?" To me it is nowhere near that big of deal to withhold it when you want to for any reason. Yes don't do it with strangers, use birth control and protection, and be aware of the emotional consequences especially with females. Just like drinking, walking home at night, driving a car, etc...you have to take precautions but for something as amazing as sex I wouldn't miss it for the world. Also just my opinion, but I would be pretty damn pissed that I missed out on years of lovemaking!! You only get one life unless you are Buddhist.

And finally, I think compatibility in the sex department is as if not even more important than compatability in morals, interests, money, future kids, religion, etc...You spend a good time of your marriage doing this really great act and everyone likes it a little differently. I definitely wouldn't make a vow to be together forever unless I knew we were compatible in that department just like everything else you consider when getting married. Bad sex, too little sex, no sex, too much sex, sexual addiction are all dealbreakers for me.

This post in not helpflul Mermaid Kelly. I hope you are strong with whatever you have chosen to do. I will step off my soapbox now.

 

[LilyKat]

I think it''s a great idea if you''re both on board with it. And I personally disagree that sexual compatibility necessarily needs to be "road-tested" before marriage. If you love each other and are committed to a lifetime together, and are prepared to put your partner''s needs first (which both partners in any marriage should be willing to do), you WILL find a way to make it work. Plus, even without going all the way, it''s perfectly possible to get a sense for what someone''s sexual desires and preferences will be - through other types of intimacy and good old-fashioned communication.

What I would agree with is that you shouldn''t build up expectations for the wedding night/honeymoon. Contrary to the abstinence teaching, waiting until marriage does not automatically make it amazing

Emotionally maybe - but physically, it''s just the same as for anyone else''s first time, and that means awkwardness, physical discomfort (especially for the girl) and probably not a lot of earth-moving. But you have the rest of your lives to practice, so who cares? Just make sure you discuss it a lot beforehand and make sure you both have realistic expectations. And there''s no rule you have to do everything all at once - if you haven''t been sexually active before, your wedding night should mark the start of your exploration, not the night you HAVE to do everything from start to finish.

Just my opinion.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 2/18/2010 7:10:04 PM
Author: LilyKat
I think it''s a great idea if you''re both on board with it. And I personally disagree that sexual compatibility necessarily needs to be ''road-tested'' before marriage. If you love each other and are committed to a lifetime together, and are prepared to put your partner''s needs first (which both partners in any marriage should be willing to do), you WILL find a way to make it work. Plus, even without going all the way, it''s perfectly possible to get a sense for what someone''s sexual desires and preferences will be - through other types of intimacy and good old-fashioned communication.

What I would agree with is that you shouldn''t build up expectations for the wedding night/honeymoon. Contrary to the abstinence teaching, waiting until marriage does not automatically make it amazing

Emotionally maybe - but physically, it''s just the same as for anyone else''s first time, and that means awkwardness, physical discomfort (especially for the girl) and probably not a lot of earth-moving. But you have the rest of your lives to practice, so who cares? Just make sure you discuss it a lot beforehand and make sure you both have realistic expectations. And there''s no rule you have to do everything all at once - if you haven''t been sexually active before, your wedding night should mark the start of your exploration, not the night you HAVE to do everything from start to finish.

Just my opinion.

First paragraph (bolded part)--whoa whoa whoa--what happened to compromise?! My god, if I put my husbands needs first we''d never get out of bed (or wherever

) and I''d be pretty unhappy.

Second paragraph--Agreed 100%. I remember my first time...and second time...and third time, and I am so glad that I didn''t wait for marriage, and got that out of the way beforehand. Seriously, I am so glad I got that out of the way before wedding night because it HURT. It was NOT romantic. It was NOT emotional. It was really. really. NOT. fun. Of course after the third or so time, it got to be fun, and it''s a good thing too because I was on the verge of giving up!

I''m a realist, and the two biggest divorce instigators are money and sex. Sure, you can talk and talk about your finances before you get married, even putting your money together or buying a house before marriage and experience that, but sex is just one of those things that you don''t know until you do it. I learned recently from a very good friend that her (ex)husband turned out to be a bit of a sex addict, and between the sexual demands he made of her, and the phone bills in the thousands to phone sex operators, etc. Unsurprisingly, that ended up playing a HUGE part in their divorce.

I have plenty more of those stories, having worked in a divorce attorney''s office, but I''ll spare you.

I''d seriously echo reading up as much as you can. There is a recent bride here, Lilac I believe, who also waited until her wedding night, and I hope she chimes in, because she waited for her wedding night, and while I''m sure they have worked things out since then, I believe things were very rough at the beginning.

All of that said, every woman (and man) is different. You have to make the right choice for you and your partner.

At the same time, if thats something that''s really driving your LIWitis, perhaps it''s time to re-evaluate.

 

[Lilac]

DH and I waited until our wedding night. We dated for over 4 and a half years. It was NOT easy.

But once we were married, we had an incredible wedding night. It was so special and romantic. I''ll be honest - it didn''t necessarily feel the *best* (it was kind of painful) but the emotional connection was so unbelievably strong because we were sharing that together for the first time (the first time individually - we were both virgins - and the first time with each other as husband a wife). I''m so happy we waited. That night is something I will forever cherish.

I do think it''s extremely important to communicate and talk about your expectations and feelings about it though. Sometimes that can make it harder to wait, and can definitely cause some more sexual frustration, but communication is *so* important. You both need to know what the other''s expectations will be. Sometimes it also helps to talk about it because it helps to know you''re both on the same page.

I think it''s great that you''re waiting if you and your boyfriend agree on it. But it definitely makes being a LIW even harder - and being engaged will be harder too. I would also recommend a shorter engagement if you''re really set on sticking to the idea of waiting until marriage. It gets even more difficult once you''re engaged!

The wedding night may not be the most enjoyable experience because it might hurt.. but I promise, it gets a *lot* better!

 

[Lilac]

Date: 2/19/2010 2:35:10 AM
Author: FrekeChild

I''d seriously echo reading up as much as you can. There is a recent bride here, Lilac I believe, who also waited until her wedding night, and I hope she chimes in, because she waited for her wedding night, and while I''m sure they have worked things out since then, I believe things were very rough at the beginning.

I didn''t even see this before I responded! I went back to read some of the responses and noticed my name...

I guess I''ll elaborate even more on what I said in my first response. For me, I had some medical issues I needed to work on that made sex difficult (actually, impossible). It''s pretty rare. Most people have never even heard of the condition so it''s something nobody really talks about. So for me, it was *extra* painful at the beginning because I had just finished treatment with doctors for the condition so DH and I had to work through that all together. It brought us closer together and he was wonderful and so understanding. The condition had nothing to do with waiting until the wedding night though - that would have been there whether we had tried earlier or whether we waited.

I''m still so happy we waited until our wedding night. I think what we went through after that is pretty similar to any couple who is newly sexually active - there was a learning period, adjustment period, and it all involved a lot of communication and experimentation. We knew what we were supposed to do, it was just a matter of learning what worked best for us. It definitely made us even more closer emotionally to learn it all together! And now a year later everything is great....

 

[LilyKat]

Freke, I said that BOTH partners should be willing to put each others' needs before their own - by which I meant, not being selfish and learning to compromise, so basically I'm with you. Sorry - I should have qualified it with "at times" to make it clearer what I meant

It should be give and take.

It's worth remembering that "sexual compatibility" is not a static thing. There are plenty of couples who had perfectly matched sex drives in the initial, young, free, pre-marriage stages of a relationship - but then this changed as they get older, tireder, have children etc. People can develop sexual problems (including addiction) during the course of their marriage. I personally think the qualities of being fully committed to making it work and making EACH OTHER happy bode better for a long and happy married sex life than having great sex before marriage (though of course that ain't a bad thing

)

So basically, do whatever works for you. Just don't feel pressured into doing something you aren't comfortable. It can and does work either way. Though I agree with Freke that if this is driving your LIWitis to the point that you are in a rush and aren't objectively evaluating whether this is really the right person for you... then maybe it's time to think hard about that.

ETA: Freke's description of what sex is like the first few times is spot on. It HURTS. It is not fun. And I wish more people would be more upfront about this and do away with the conspiracy that virginal wedding night sex is mind-blowing. Lilac - thank you for sharing honestly, I'm glad everything is great now!

 

[monkeyprincess]

I just wanted to let you know that I really respect your decision. And your boyfriend must be a great guy too for respecting your decision. I'm sure you know enough about sex to know that it won't necessarily be a magical experience on your wedding night, but I also don't think you'll have anything to worry about. I really believe that when two people really know, love and respect each other, and are sexually attracted to one another, they will have a satisfying sex life.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

We waited as it was something that was important to both of us (and we dated for over 8 years--3 of which were long distance). I would definitely not recommend waiting that long to get married as it can introduce a variety of tensions (not just related to "making love").

The LIW can be a really difficult time, and I think in someways it's more difficult when you have other physical tensions at work too. If you are waiting for religious reasons then focus on your faith during the difficult times of LIW when you are going crazy and don't understand why he hasn't asked you to marry him yet and build that part of your relationship together too. You will both grow in your faith and in your relationship and the LIW might go just a tiny bit faster and less stressful (but I am not going to lie, being an LIW sucks!) We talked about getting married for 7 of the 8 years we were together and DH took a really , really long time to actually get there. Admittedly there were other challenges in both our lives that complicated things, but LIW is hard!

Hugs!!!

 

[luckynumber]

if you think waiting till marriage it right for you, then go for it.

two points that stood out for me from other posters'' points:

1. the first time is painful, no matter how careful the guy is (and trust me, i had the most caring guy on earth) and definitely NOT what i want for my wedding night

2. i would always regret the many, many times of lovemaking i would have missed out on if i had abstained. we are on this planet for so little time, i dont want to miss out on one of the few things that never loses its appeal. i didn''t lose my virginity until my mid-twenties, so i definitely didn''t rush things! still a tiny bit of regret that i missed out on a lot of O''s

if you are waiting for religious reasons, then fine. but make sure both of you really DO want to wait and aren''t just doing it to make the other happy.

 

[princesss]

Date: 2/19/2010 5:38:42 PM
Author: luckynumber
if you think waiting till marriage it right for you, then go for it.

two points that stood out for me from other posters'' points:

1. the first time is painful, no matter how careful the guy is (and trust me, i had the most caring guy on earth) and definitely NOT what i want for my wedding night

2. i would always regret the many, many times of lovemaking i would have missed out on if i had abstained. we are on this planet for so little time, i dont want to miss out on one of the few things that never loses its appeal. i didn''t lose my virginity until my mid-twenties, so i definitely didn''t rush things! still a tiny bit of regret that i missed out on a lot of O''s

if you are waiting for religious reasons, then fine. but make sure both of you really DO want to wait and aren''t just doing it to make the other happy.

I almost spit out my water when I read this. LOL!

OP, regardless of what any of us would do, make the choice that''s right for you. As long as you''re true to yourself and what''s important to you, you''ll be okay.

 

[jewelz617]

You have to do what''s right for you.

Personally (and please don''t take this the wrong way because again you have to be true to what you want) I could not marry someone without knowing we would be sexually compatible.

If you don''t abuse it, sex can be an extremely healthy (not to mention fun) way for couples to bond and forge a connection.

I applaud you for waiting. Just keep in mind, the first time is probably going to hurt like hell. Don''t build it up in your mind to be a life altering, fireworks and parade inspiring kind of event. My first time was peppered with a lot of "Ouch! Slower! Ahhhhhhh, ok that''s enough." Luckily you are marrying someone you love and thus will be understanding and patient. Once you overcome that hurdle, it should be smooth sailing.

 

[Dancing Fire]

this is a funny thread !!

 

[FrekeChild]

LilyKat--Don''t worry, I figured that was what you meant, I just felt like taking advantage and making a joke.

Date: 2/19/2010 8:37:56 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
this is a funny thread !!

Just how bored are you DF? In here harassing the LIW...

Are you at least learning something over here?