No excitement for proposal

[Missed Out]

here''s the cut and dry of it

Just wanted some perspective on my situation. We''re in our 30s and have been together for almost four years. Last year I lost my job and consequently lost our house. Now we''ve relocated and are living in an apartment and my credit isn''t that great.

Long story short, I would have proposed to her ages ago had life not dealt me this card. Last summer my gf approached me with an idea. Her mother, who works for a jeweler, would finance a diamond in her name through that store as long as we paid it off in the no interest 12 month time frame. I was reluctant and my gf was perplexed why I wasn''t jumping on this offer given our financial situation. She questioned whether it was because the engagement was not what I wanted. I didn''t want her to think that so I allowed the arrangement to happen.

My girlfriend picked out a modest, good quality diamond at an exceptional price - b/c it was through her mother - and had it put in a new setting. Now I kind of resent not picking out the ring myself - I don''t know if it was worth the price savings.

I''ve had this ring for quite a while now and my gf is oftentimes dropping passive hints as to if/when I’m going to propose. The thing is, I’ve been devasted over having been accomplished at such a young age (25) to have bought a house and now at almost 32, I’m living in an apartment again. I would rather concentrate on getting ‘my house’ back than to go ahead with the engagement in which an expensive wedding is certain to follow. I’m afraid if I propose now she will start planning for a wedding that will ultimately override our financial savings for a house.

Neither of us thinks the other’s perspective is logical over our own ideas of what’s right. I was just hoping, since I believe you all to give sound advice, that you could give your interpretation on what’s “right.”

Thanks

Missed Out (on picking out the ring myself)

 

[ammayernyc]

Go to her mother and have her reset the diamond in a different setting. That way it will be a surprise.

Just be straight with her. If you can''t afford a big wedding, tell her that. There are many, many ways to have an inexpensive party. If you''re not paying for it, then don''t worry about it.

Life is too short to worry about what you had once and don''t have anymore. You have to move forward.

 

[appletini]

Don''t feel too bad about missing out on the ring...this way she has the ring *she* likes. As for the wedding...it doesn''t have to be a big blow-out. You can always do a small intimate wedding with close friends and family. An expensive wedding doesn''t guarantee a great marriage. Or you can always elope (I would prefer this, but my BF will never agree to it).

 

[jenwill]

I think one of things you may have to consider is that the two of you are working from different ''lists''. You are working from the life accomplishment list:

1) education
2) job
3) house
4) engagement/marriage (for some reason, this step seems to be onestep in teh minds of my guy friends- not two actual different steps with their own joys and timframes)

Before you had the job/house and were ready for moving to engagement/marriage. Now that you ''moved back'' on the list, you do not feel ready to check the box next to #4.

She, on the other hand, is working from the relationship list:

1) meet
2) fall in love
3) confirm not just puppy love, but real actual love love that can take you through anything including a rough patch where jobs are lost and houses are sold and apartments are moved into.
4) get engaged because you know you can make it with this person no matter what
5) get married so that you can be a team working in this life together

So, on her list, she is at the ''get engaged'' point. And while getting engaged does lead to marriage, it is a TOTALLY separate step in the minds of most girls. There are long angagements and short ones. That can lead to BIG weddings or small ones.

I would think that she probably understands the realities of saving for another house, but in her mind taht does not preclude getting engaged. As long as realistic expectations are there for the size of the wedding (if the two of you are paying for it and not her parents), I don''t see where getting engaged has to wait until you buy another house.

Very seldom in life are things at the ''perfect point'' to do something. There is always more money to save, more secure place to be before getting married, having kids etc. But life is not going to line things up in a linear fashion most of the time, so you have to go with what you have now.

You say you are 32, but not how old she is. If she is around that age or only a couple years younger, she could be thinking....if I have to wait 1-2 years to save up for house before he will propose, then be engaged for 6 months to 2 years before we get married, that means wedding is 2-3 years out from now- which will seem like a VERY long time to her, I can guarantee it.

I guess this is a very long post just to say- men and women are working from different vantage points, where your list needs more check boxes and hers doesn''t, so neither of you can understand why the other one isn''t seeing it from your list.

As far as the ring...if she likes it, it isn''t the surprise of the ring that will make the proposal, it is the proposal itself that will be the surprise. I helped- helped nothing! I totally chose the stone and designed the ring!- but I am not waiting/wanting the surprise of the bling, just waiting for the surprise of when he will choose to ask me!

best of luck to you!

 

[Missed Out]

Thanks for sharing your opinions.

In answer to your questions, she will be 30 this summer. We will be paying for the wedding ourselves although her parents claim they have a secondary life insurance policy they could borrow against. This is how they have always planned on helping their kids with things that come up. However, if they contribute money it will give them influence on how large the wedding is, ie ''their'' friends and family. Neither of us intended it to be that large.

I''ve managed to save almost $10,000 since last year (cutting coupons and eating home bologna sandwiches for lunch, she doesn''t buy new clothes et al unless something needs to be replaced.) I would hate to think we have both sacrificed to these extremes to pay for a wedding just to wait even longer for the house.

She cannot wait until we''ve made the committment - thinking it''s long overdue. I guess I can''t wait another day until I can move into ''our house.'' That has more to do with impacting our future than say.... (don''t shoot me) a piece of paper.

Although I do agree with your responses, I wondered if this better explains my perspective or does it make me out to be a jerk?

 

[AChiOAlumna]

Date: 4/8/2005 3

7:27 PM
Author: Missed Out
Thanks for sharing your opinions.

Although I do agree with your responses, I wondered if this better explains my perspective or does it make me out to be a jerk?

I don''t think you''re being a jerk...I think you and your GF are measuring success with different definitions. You measure it by tangential possessions, I.E. your house, your bank account, etc. Your GF seems to be measuring success via emotional success (love, marriage, family). In order for this to work, the 2 of you need to listen to each other and understand your difference...then (here comes the tough part!) a compromise is in order...whatever that is, that needs to be between the 2 of you...

You may want to seek pre-marital counseling to help you determine what those priorities are and at what point your lists cross...good luck!

 

[jenwill]

Not a jerk at all, just different perspectives. I can totally see and understand wanting to buy another house. But, on the other hand, I have myself been the recipient of the ''you''ve been dating how long? And he hasn''t even proposed yet?'' pressure of the public at large. While I am secure in the fact that he loves me, it still grates some. And the ''piece of paper'' is HUGE. It doesn''t just change things legally, but also mentally.

If she is thinking that she won''t be even proposed to for awhile it can take a mental toll- read the LIW threads if want some girl perspective on it. Do what is best for your situation, but please don''t discount the impact that a proposal can have on the motivation for a renewed effort to save money for ''the team''!

 

[appletini]

Ask yourself this question...

Do you want to wake up every day with this woman by your side for the rest of your life or wake up everyday alone in your house? What''s the point of tangible possesions, etc...if you don''t have anyone to share them with.

 

[onedrop]

Okay...I am going to differ a bit with what has been said. I see both points, but I am in favor of waiting a bit for the financial situation to improve. It seems to me that the money you have saved would be better served in clearing up whatever debts have been incurred during your period of unemployment or to put towward a home. I would assure your GF that you have every intention of proposing when the finances are improved. It would be great if you could give her a time frame. No woman wants to wait forever to be committed. We are big on when "it" will happen. Let her know what your goals are and solicit her support.

Someone else mentioned the "check boxes." Maybe write out a list of your reasons and hers and see which side has more pros. But agree to make a decision one way or another.

 

[jenwill]

Oh, I am all for spending the money they have saved on paying current bills or buying a house, I was just saying that:

1) the ring is purchased already- so no money has to go out for that expense.
2) just because the proposal comes NOW, does not mean that the wedding is TOMORROW!

It seems that a proposal would go a long way in making her feel better, and they can decide on wedding particulars such as date and size a little later. If the choice were between taking that 10k you have saved and either spending it on a ring or down payment- I would definitely vote down payment. BUT, since the ring is there already, what is the delay with the proposal?

 

[onedrop]

True...the ring has been purchased already. I didn''t take that into account. But he did say that they are paying for the wedding themselves. I just thought they were better off not spending the money they have already saved on a big wedding, when they want a house. I guess the compromise is to propose (which will allay his GF''s worries) and wait a while to have a wedding (which will allay his worries).

 

[Matata]

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Neither of us thinks the other’s perspective is logical over our own ideas of what’s right.

Missed Out...the piece quoted above is the most significant issue in this situation IMO. It may be a good idea for you and your future fiancee to talk to an impartial third party with the proper training (relationship counselor for example) so both of you learn skills in hearing the other''s point of view and communicating in a way that doesn''t turn the other off. I really believe all couples contemplating a lifelong relationship should do this. It would help compensate for differences in "life lists" mentioned in jenwill''s post and also help compensate for that pesky Mars/Venus thing.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I think it''s insane that your hard earned $10K would be blown on a wedding rather than on a down payment on a new home!

Why not propose, buy a home and then host your wedding in your new back yard?

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/8/2005 3

7:27 PM
Author: Missed Out

She cannot wait until we''ve made the committment - thinking it''s long overdue. I guess I can''t wait another day until I can move into ''our house.'' That has more to do with impacting our future than say.... (don''t shoot me) a piece of paper.

But to her, it''s not just a piece of paper....it''s making a commitment to stay with her for a lifetime. It''s saying that you want her to be your wife. That''s not a piece of paper to a woman, believe me.

I also want to say this: Don''t stress about the past with your house. You had a house much earlier than most folks do.....and sometimes, life tosses us challenges. It''s not the only house you''ll have.....I''m confident in that.

I agree with Jen.....getting engaged today doesn''t mean a wedding tomorrow. If I were the woman in this situation, I''d rather be engaged now (no problem - money''s already spent on that) even if it meant I had to wait two years for the wedding.

I completely agree with you, though, about prioritizing putting the saved money toward the house. You''ve scrimped and saved and worked your butt off to get yourself back into position to buy a house.

It just seems to me that you can BOTH have what you want....if each of you are willing to meet the other in the middle. Sit and talk with her. Explain that you will be much less stressed if you can recapture the security that having your own house offers and how important it is to the quality of your life not to rent. Listen to HER when she tells you how important it is to the quality of her life to feel the stability that being engaged would bring her.

If you were to get engaged now, can you agree that the wedding will be two years out (to give you more time to buy the house)? If that isn''t workable, can you both agree to a small, simple wedding in a public park or in your backyard? Rich and I went through this evaluation process as well, and if we bought the house first, we were going to have a wedding in our backyard with a barbeque for a reception. Very casual and simple. Can you both agree to defer a honeymoon if that''s an expense you aren''t ready to bear? What is she willing to compromise?

 

[icekid]

i suggest you propose- ASAP. if i was your gf, knowing that you''d had the ring for months... i would be really upset and thinking that you didn''t really want to marry me, regardless of what you said to the contrary. and i would be really really hurt. getting engaged doesn''t mean you have to have a 20 grand wedding in 6 months. if your gf is cool with something low key, you could do the wedding really inexpensively. i think for a lot of girls, the most important thing is being MARRIED.. not some big showy wedding. i would marry my bf tomorrow!! but i''m in med school and not rolling in cash at the moment, and bf insists that he wants to do it "right." if she DOES want the big wedding, then maybe a long engagement would be suitable so you can get back on your feet.

also, this is probably not what you want to hear- but maybe you should put off buying the house for a bit anyway. you don''t want to get yourself in the same situation later where you can no longer make your payments. it''s SO SO important to have a sizeable emergency fund once you have serious responsibilities. what happens if you or a family member gets really sick, or you lose your job again?? ideally, you want to have enough money (easily accessible) to cover 6 months worth of expenses- to cover EVERYTHING in the event that you don''t have income. you just never know what is going to happen! and you''ll probably want to get your credit score up before you start applying for mortgages. but you probably already know all of this anyway

good luck!!

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 4/8/2005 3

7:27 PM
Author: Missed Out
Thanks for sharing your opinions.


I''ve managed to save almost $10,000 since last year (cutting coupons and eating home bologna sandwiches for lunch, she doesn''t buy new clothes et al unless something needs to be replaced.) I would hate to think we have both sacrificed to these extremes to pay for a wedding just to wait even longer for the house.

I''m confused. You say "*I''ve* managed to save 10k. But, you go on to say that you *both* sacrificed. Is it your money, hers or both of yours?

That said, one can come up with a comprise that could balance the finances to afford a nice wedding (does not need to be elaborate) & save money.

Also, did I interpret correctly that the parents will be borrowing the money - hence, expect you to be the ultimate "borrower"? The last thing you need is more debt.

As mentioned, get engaged, wait to marry when you both can save more money.

 

[Missed Out]

Thanks everyone

I suppose you were right jenwill. I have always associated getting engaged with getting married. I mean, why say we''ve decided to get married, we have no idea when or where but we''re getting married. I guess to me it''s the way it is now. We both know someday we''ll get married and yet don''t know when. What''s the difference? I felt like I should wait for the proposal until we have plans for a wedding. Thanks for the female point of view.

I''m sure my gf isn''t wanting the ''Star Jones'' wedding, but she would like to wear a gown - says she knows where to buy one for $200 which blows my mind because I always thought they were like $2000. And she would like her (dying) grandparents to make it.

The (almost) $10,000 has been built by both of us through sacrifices and diligence. And icekid, yes I agree, that money is not all saved up for just a downpayment or just a wedding. It is part of having a savings set aside for ''whatever life deals you.'' So, maybe $10,000 is enough for some people to use as a down payment or maybe it''s enough for $2000 in wedding contributions and still have a safety net. But all three cannot be done with this small sum.

F&I - it''s both our money. We''ve been living together for quite some time. Although I purchased the house myself - she eventually moved into it and we''ve been living together with joint everything ever since. We both have a common goal to save money and get back into a house. However, she is the one trying to persuade me that a wedding wouldn''t cost that much money. I''m afraid no matter what she thinks, it will end up being more.

Also, no - this money from her parents wouldn''t be a loan - it is a method they would use to help defer the cost of the wedding as a gift. Like I posted earlier - if they start paying for the wedding then the guest list could get out of our hands. We''re thinking 60 people - her parents are thinking 150 (conservative).

I suppose the biggest thing I''ve learned from you all is what my gf has been trying to tell me all along. She once said, "You either want to marry me or you don''t." I guess that''s because the proposal and the wedding are totally separate in her mind. After reading some LIW posts. I think I finally get it.

As far as the wedding - I don''t know if we could pull it off under $3000 - but I guess it''s time I gave her a reason to start finding out.

Thanks all

 

[jenwill]

WooHoo!

Can''t wait to hear the details of the proposal! i am sure you will have one incredibly happy woman on your hands!

 

[fire&ice]

If she is a smart shopper, you can do a very nice wedding on a budget. I don't know your geographic location - but there are plenty of public and private gardens that will rent you space and not require you buy anything else there - thus allowing you to shop it around.

Yes, the engagement should always lead to a wedding; but, it doesn't have to be right away. I'm not a LIW. In fact, I am OMB (old married broad for 20+ years). My then to be was in grad school & didn't want to get married until after he finished. I was fine with an engagement - and the engagement to marry was 1 3/4 years away. It worked for us. We really got to know each other as committed beings. Plus, the "lead time" made for a much easier "buy out" of a wedding.

I hope you are starting to be happy about the proposal!

Edited to add: when it starts to become a communal bank account - this is where the compromise, sacrifice & learning to accept others priorities come into play to find a common ground. Also, if the parents are willing to foot some of the bills (not in the form of a loan), I'd consider it. My parents paid for our wedding - they gave us a set amount. There weren't many strings attached - at least none that were a surprise or deal breaker.

 

[NoonersMom]

Missed....glad to hear that you''ve seen the light of a lady in waiting. I''m sure your girlfriend is going to be incredibly happy!

Everyone has given you great feedback. The only .02 that I am going to add is that if her parents do help with the wedding, maybe you can all sit down and have an open conversation about your expectations, hopes and feelings for *your* day. Once it''s openly discussed (with care) hopefully you will all be able to come to an agreement that''s comfortable for everyone.

Of course, I say this as I haven''t gone through that process yet. (My parents will want to assist, yet I don''t care to have some of my relatives there...particularily my grandfather who is an outwardly racist bigot. My bf is Hindu.)

Good luck! Can''t wait to hear about the progress!

 

[Mara]

my two cents...don't think about what is the right way to do things and what you have lost and rather look at what you do have and what you are gaining by marrying (hopefully) the right woman. sometimes it is going to be hard to have your priorities both on the same page but as i tell my now-husband, we are now a team. there is no you and i when it comes to our household, financial decisions, etc. i think many times guys get hung up on accomplishments or associations and want to provide what they perceive as right before getting married, but many times to the woman, there is no limit to what they can accomplish together, now that you have found each other.

it would drive me nuts if my boyfriend had the ring and was just holding onto it waiting for the 'situation' to be right, when in reality I believe you create your own right situation and luck. just because you are down-and-out now does not mean that it will always be like that...and won't it be more special to build from the ground up together rather than presenting her with the perfect picture of life she may not need?

in terms of the wedding, i am sure she will understand that you can either wait to have a bigger wedding and/or just have a smaller wedding in the interest of buying a new place...for us our house was a first priority and we bought it about 5 months before we got married. people asked why we didn't wait til we got married, but it was the right time and we just did it. we got married 5 months after and now we are just DONE and can relax and enjoy our beautiful house and our married life...and we did it together.

my two cents..best of luck whatever you decide but i say stop torturing the poor girl and give her the ring!

the wedding can always come much later!

 

[codex57]

Propose soon. From personal experience, if the girl''s been waiting a long time, while she may have no doubts about you wanting to marry her, outside pressures, comments, looks, etc. just wears on a girl.

Glad you finally realized proposal doesn''t necessarily mean marriage. You guys can have a long proposal. Give you some more time to save up. Basically, it stalls the process.

Another option is to get married in a civil ceremony. Just go down to the courthouse, pay the small fee for the marriage license, and be done with it. She''s married. Now, you can take your time with the marriage b/c there are plenty of excuses for delaying it now (we''re saving, etc.) and the outside pressures she was feeling won''t have as much traction since you guys are legally married, just haven''t had teh ceremony yet.

 

[Missed Out]

Now that I''ve decided it''s time to start thinking about the proposal I now see that our relationship isn''t that great. Lately (in the last few months) we haven''t been very ''affectionate'' with each other. Almost like best friends rooming together. We get along fantastically but it''s almost like the spark is gone. After talking a little about it she said this non-committment plateau has had her wondering why should she should be investing as much into the relationship as she used to. I''m thinking without this total in-love feeling we used to have for each other, I find it hard to propose.

In her words, the excitement build for the next step has already peaked and now is on a downward slope. She''s not cold towards me she just isn''t very affectionate. Now I feel we have to repair our relationship before we can get back to the stage where a proposal makes sense. She says it''s been the uncertainty of this long wait that has caused us to mellow out. Am I right in thinking a proposal won''t just snap us out of this?

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/23/2005 9:29:28 AM
Author: Missed Out
Now that I''ve decided it''s time to start thinking about the proposal I now see that our relationship isn''t that great. Lately (in the last few months) we haven''t been very ''affectionate'' with each other. Almost like best friends rooming together. We get along fantastically but it''s almost like the spark is gone. After talking a little about it she said this non-committment plateau has had her wondering why should she should be investing as much into the relationship as she used to. I''m thinking without this total in-love feeling we used to have for each other, I find it hard to propose.

In her words, the excitement build for the next step has already peaked and now is on a downward slope. She''s not cold towards me she just isn''t very affectionate. Now I feel we have to repair our relationship before we can get back to the stage where a proposal makes sense. She says it''s been the uncertainty of this long wait that has caused us to mellow out. Am I right in thinking a proposal won''t just snap us out of this?

Are you right in thinking the proposal won''t just snap you out of this? Sort of. Yes and no.

The "no" part......she''s beginning to give up hope that you really intend to make the commitment. It''s natural that she''s beginning to withdraw a bit; it''s a way to make herself less vulnerable. I think you WOULD see that change if you were willing/able to commit.

The "yes" part......most marriages do go through these periods. The spark burns brightest when a relationship is new.....and it can''t be new forever. That''s why I think so many marriages fail at the 2-3 year mark.....people all of the sudden "don''t feel the spark" anymore and they think it means they aren''t "in love" or have fallen out of love.

The spark is what begins a relationship....just like it begins an actual fire. For a while, when you first build a fire, it burns really hot and rages....and then, as the wood catches, it doesn''t burn quite as hot....but it burns more steady. If you stick around and don''t give up on the fire, you''ll find it gives a constant and comforting heat source.

Same with a relationship.....the spark develops into this warm place of shared experiences and a sense of accomplishing things together, and the feelings you have deepen over time. It''s too bad folks give up on that before it happens.

Relationships have a rhythm, too. There are times when it just seems like both people are on the same page, and everything is song and roses. Then there are just times when you are out of sync and you can''t even say "good morning" to each other without feeling misunderstood. But if you wait those awkward times out, it corrects itself. It''s an ebb and flow. Over time, the ebbs and flows even out a bit more, and they aren''t so extreme highs and lows.

You need to do some soul searching.....do you really think this is a permanent problem or just a temporary bump? If it''s just a temporary bump, then don''t "wait to repair" things.......waiting has helped create this problem, and I think that will amplify it instead of repairing it. Have a very frank talk with her about your concerns....that you DO want to go forward, but that her holding back is making you have second thoughts about the strength of the relationship. Does she want to be with you forever? Do you want to be with her forever?

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 4/23/2005 11:35:58 AM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 4/23/2005 9:29:28 AM
Author: Missed Out
Now that I''ve decided it''s time to start thinking about the proposal I now see that our relationship isn''t that great. Lately (in the last few months) we haven''t been very ''affectionate'' with each other. Almost like best friends rooming together. We get along fantastically but it''s almost like the spark is gone. After talking a little about it she said this non-committment plateau has had her wondering why should she should be investing as much into the relationship as she used to. I''m thinking without this total in-love feeling we used to have for each other, I find it hard to propose.

In her words, the excitement build for the next step has already peaked and now is on a downward slope. She''s not cold towards me she just isn''t very affectionate. Now I feel we have to repair our relationship before we can get back to the stage where a proposal makes sense. She says it''s been the uncertainty of this long wait that has caused us to mellow out. Am I right in thinking a proposal won''t just snap us out of this?

Are you right in thinking the proposal won''t just snap you out of this? Sort of. Yes and no.

The ''no'' part......she''s beginning to give up hope that you really intend to make the commitment. It''s natural that she''s beginning to withdraw a bit; it''s a way to make herself less vulnerable. I think you WOULD see that change if you were willing/able to commit.

The ''yes'' part......most marriages do go through these periods. The spark burns brightest when a relationship is new.....and it can''t be new forever. That''s why I think so many marriages fail at the 2-3 year mark.....people all of the sudden ''don''t feel the spark'' anymore and they think it means they aren''t ''in love'' or have fallen out of love.

The spark is what begins a relationship....just like it begins an actual fire. For a while, when you first build a fire, it burns really hot and rages....and then, as the wood catches, it doesn''t burn quite as hot....but it burns more steady. If you stick around and don''t give up on the fire, you''ll find it gives a constant and comforting heat source.

Same with a relationship.....the spark develops into this warm place of shared experiences and a sense of accomplishing things together, and the feelings you have deepen over time. It''s too bad folks give up on that before it happens.

Relationships have a rhythm, too. There are times when it just seems like both people are on the same page, and everything is song and roses. Then there are just times when you are out of sync and you can''t even say ''good morning'' to each other without feeling misunderstood. But if you wait those awkward times out, it corrects itself. It''s an ebb and flow. Over time, the ebbs and flows even out a bit more, and they aren''t so extreme highs and lows.

You need to do some soul searching.....do you really think this is a permanent problem or just a temporary bump? If it''s just a temporary bump, then don''t ''wait to repair'' things.......waiting has helped create this problem, and I think that will amplify it instead of repairing it. Have a very frank talk with her about your concerns....that you DO want to go forward, but that her holding back is making you have second thoughts about the strength of the relationship. Does she want to be with you forever? Do you want to be with her forever?

Couldn''t have said it better myself.

Though, it''s beginning to sound like you *do* have a commitment problem. She clearly feels that way.

Good luck with whatever you decide. But, do decide *something*.

 

[MissAva]

Al_ i just have to say that I love how you put that. It is just how things are I am glad to know others feel that way. Thank you.

 

[jlc0604]

I totally agree with alj.


I think it''s natural for a girl to withdraw a bit when she feels insecure in the relationship. After my BF and I moved in together, I began to feel like I was ready to get engaged. He wasn''t ready yet. We talked about it, and while I understood his reasoning and could live with his time line, I still felt that panic that perhaps, despite what he said, he would never be ready. So I felt myself feeling a little cold and distant towards my boyfriend. It wasn''t intentional, but I could feel that a part of me was hurt and scared that he wasn''t ready and as a result I shut down from him a bit to protect myself.

Fast forward a few months, and he recently told me that he wants to propose sooner than what we had previously discussed. This was entirely his decision, and all of the sudden I feel so much love and warmth for him. I guess it just makes me feel loved and happy that he''s ready and wants to do this as soon as he can. So even though nothing much has changed in our relationship, we''ve had a lot of love flowing back and forth between us. Again, it isn''t an intentional thing at all, but I think when women feel loved and taken care of, they just naturally reciprocate and open up. And vice versa.

I think you need to figure out what YOU want. Do you want to marry this woman? If yes, then propose! If you''re not sure, then you need to figure out why and go from there. But do it now so she can''t stop feeling like her life is stalled.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/24/2005 1:59

3 PM
Author: Matatora
Al_ i just have to say that I love how you put that. It is just how things are I am glad to know others feel that way. Thank you.

Thanks, and you're welcome.

Nice to know it resonated so much with you.

 

[icekid]

Date: 4/24/2005 5:14

9 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 4/24/2005 1:59

3 PM
Author: Matatora
Al_ i just have to say that I love how you put that. It is just how things are I am glad to know others feel that way. Thank you.

Thanks, and you''re welcome.

Nice to know it resonated so much with you.

i cannot agree enough. well said alj!!!

 

[MINE!!]

We are having a similair sort of dilemma right now.... He is 38 and I am 30. This is our second marriage. (will be)

We are planning on getting into a house soon. But we cannot afford a house and a wedding. Therefore, We are getting married at the justice of the peace in Novemeber and then having a ''wedding'' in May. But it looks like it may not be until Oct of 2006.

The most important thing is that he wants to be with me and loves me. We will have amodest wedding when we can afford one. We have each other. I know financial times are hard, but if we were to wait until all of our finances we perfect.... it would never happen. THere would always be something. But together, we can tought through anything.

If you want to purpose to her... and be with her... and maryy her.. then do it. Do it because you love her, because it is time and because it is what you want and what she wants, not because your check book is ready.

Good luck.. Money is important... but I thank God everyday that it is not everything!