NO Children. Now, No Husband

[ericad]

I have a close friend who is struggling with this now, at age 33. Her DH has finally fessed up that he never wants kids, and she's been coping with that for the past few years, as her window of opportunity dwindles down. She loves her husband, and is now in therapy to help her sort through her own feelings. She always wanted kids, but the past few years has felt that she doesn't. Is that because she genuinely doesn't? Is it because she's peacemaking and succumbing to her husband's wishes? Has she brainwashed herself, or does she simply not want to have kids in her own right? She has no idea, and has spun herself in circles, so I commend her for seeking professional help.

At the moment, it seems to me that the path she's on is to not have kids and to stay in her marriage. If she and her husband grow old together, she may feel that she made the right choice. If they should wind up divorced later down the line, when her childbearing years are behind her, she may or may not have regrets and resentment. Tough to know how it will go.

I've struggled with this with regards to having a second child very recently. I wanted another one, DH did not. Our daughter is 8 now, and so much time has passed while we wrestled with this decision that I no longer feel "that feeling" about having a baby and resetting the clock. In fact, the idea of having a newborn right now totally freaks me out and I feel nothing but aversion to the idea. The age difference between them will be so vast, plus I'm 36 and relish the thought that I'll only be 45 when our daughter goes off to college. At her current age we can travel all over the place and she's so independent now, we can afford to give her the moon, and I've just plain gotten used to things the way they are. Will I regret not having that second child? Maybe. I hate the idea of her being alone in the world one day when we're gone (any cousins she has are overseas, so we're just a very small family unit altogether), but then I realize that she'll have a spouse and maybe kids of her own. Every choice comes with sacrifice.

 

[Boatluvr]

I am truly sorry for your friend. I have three sons and can't imagine life without them and my five grandchildren. I wonder if some men and women don't want children because they want to remain #1 in their spouse's heart? My middle son and his wife struggled with infertility for over seven years. They had basically given up when my DIL became, unexpectedly, pregnant naturally. It was a difficult pregnancy and she had to have a C-section. As close as they are as a couple, my son recently said he loves his son more than he loves his wife. It is, of course, a different type of love! He is amazed and confounded by this admission. He just never realized how much you can love someone you help create! I don't believe his marriage is in jeopardy - I think it is admirable he can admit this. His son is a real 'miracle baby' and he is precious.

I can't imagine being without my sons. But then, I don't have a spouse to 'keep me company' in my old age. I guess we all make choices - you just have to learn how to live with the choices you make.

 

[dragonfly411]

I do agree about the part said that if she couldn't have lived without children she wouldn't have. My aunt sacrificed like this for someone she never married, but she has now married and has found so much fulfillment in her marriage and her job and her dogs and the life they lead that she has realized she is still an incredibly happy woman! I wish this for your friend.

 

[iLander]

I've struggled with this with regards to having a second child very recently. I wanted another one, DH did not. Our daughter is 8 now, and so much time has passed while we wrestled with this decision that I no longer feel "that feeling" about having a baby and resetting the clock. In fact, the idea of having a newborn right now totally freaks me out and I feel nothing but aversion to the idea. The age difference between them will be so vast, plus I'm 36 and relish the thought that I'll only be 45 when our daughter goes off to college. At her current age we can travel all over the place and she's so independent now, we can afford to give her the moon, and I've just plain gotten used to things the way they are. Will I regret not having that second child? Maybe. I hate the idea of her being alone in the world one day when we're gone (any cousins she has are overseas, so we're just a very small family unit altogether), but then I realize that she'll have a spouse and maybe kids of her own. Every choice comes with sacrifice.

I had my kids 10 years apart. After the first, a boy, I waited for "a good time" to have another. It never seemed to come around, so I said the heck with it, and our second is a girl. I'm thrilled we did, because she's a wonderful person and my life would be lessened without her.

If I had to do it all again, I would do it the same way. With the age difference, there was no competition for toys (different interests entirely) or our interest (different type of attention). I think she matured more quickly with an older sibling, and today the age difference has disappeared (he's in his 20's now). Plus, I was never the mom struggling to get out of a car with a herd of toddlers. While one needed care, the older one enjoyed independence.

I did have to relearn some things, and the thing that really struck me was the difference in the technology; diapers and wipes evolved a LOT in 10 years. Most of it was like riding a bicycle, but the sleepless nights were still awful. The second time around I was a lot more relaxed, it was more enjoyable.

I'm glad I did it, especially because my son spends most of his time with his new wife's family and we don't see them much anymore. Our daughter is also closer to us by nature, so that helps. It's hard to believe when you wrap your life around a child, that one day you won't be the center of their world, but that happens no matter how many you have.

Not sure any of that helps or matters, but I wanted to give you that perspective.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

If I changed my mind about having children, I'd be filing for divorce the next day because I know how important that is to the hubby but I also know how stubborn he is and that he would never have the heart to be the one to want to leave the relationship for personal and religious reasons (he's catholic). But he'd too good as dad material to be wasted, weirdly enough, I think even if I didn't want kids, I"d want him to have kids because I know he'd be an amazing parent, lol.

Luckily, we both want kids! We definitely talked about it before marriage though since I've very career focused and have no external signs of having any domestic tendencies, lol.

 

[Sky56]

It's always good to be upfront. I told my husband on our first date in the Eighties that I was infertile. I didn't want for things to go further and have him disappointed...he said it was OK

 

[missy]

It's always good to be upfront. I told my husband on our first date in the Eighties that I was infertile. I didn't want for things to go further and have him disappointed...he said it was OK

Absolutely. On our first date my dh asked me if I wanted to have kids and I said not only don't I want kids but I don't plan on ever getting married either lol. Luckily for me he decided I was worth the pursuit. Hehe.
(At that time he was ambivalent about wanting kids and now 14 years later he is very happy with our decision not to have them).

 

[Dreamer_D]

I like your style Sky and Missy. I think its good to be up front about those things. I told my husband on our second date that my career meant I would need to move anywhere in Canada that I could find work, and that I would need a partner willing to do that with me. He was ok with it. I know a lot of young women are afraid to say those types of things to a date, especially because foregoing kids or moving around for a job are not normative (i.e,. majority) demands for women to make of a male partner. A lot of men would balk. On the other hand, you certainly don't want a man who isn't on the same page about such important things!

 

[perry]

While of course this should have been discussed and agreed to up front - the fact is that sometimes people did not do so on some issue, or new information comes out that changes the situation, or even people can change their mind.

That is when its time to have a renegotiation session on what the goals, wants, and desires are (and even what alternate options exist). There are even professional counselors to help.

It is actually not unusual for such sessions after the 1st couple years of marriage as you learn about each other - and can see what you life will be like vs what your initial dreams were.

No one can complain if after several decades they did not address such a situation in a timely manner and work to find a compromise solution. As for the original post - the lady chose her options. End of story.

Life is worth living if you do it right,

Perry

 

[aljdewey]

But I think their entire marriage premise was one-sided. My personal belief is that if each person puts the other's happiness before their own (and it goes BOTH ways), then that's a solid relationship. I think he was putting his own happiness before hers, and that's not right.

I don't mean to sound contentious, but it's hard for me to agree with this. I personally believe that relationships work best when each person takes ownership for his/her own happiness and communicates what he/she needs from the other to maintain it. I feel that each of us is responsible for being active in seeking our happiness and vocalizing what that means to us.

In your friend's situation, the husband either knew up front that he didn't want them ever, or he really did mean maybe and then subsequently the maybe turned into a no. If it's the latter, he should have truthfully spoken up at the point that his maybe turned into a no, and if it's the former, he should have been candid up front.

Conversely, she knew she wanted them. It was up to her to be clear that her desire was non-negotiable, and while she may have been willing to wait, it's up to her to make sure her needs (including desire for children) are being met and to be active in instigating changes if efforts don't materialize.

I think I mostly posted this as a warning to others: don't give up everything for another person, some day they might walk away. But if they truly love you, they won't ask you to give up everything. They'll want (desperately!) to find a compromise that works for you both.

I think this (spirit of compromise) is largely true, but having children is one of those things that you can't really compromise on. You either have them or you don't; there really isn't middle ground.

 

[AGBF]

Conversely, she knew she wanted them. It was up to her to be clear that her desire was non-negotiable, and while she may have been willing to wait, it's up to her to make sure her needs (including desire for children) are being met and to be active in instigating changes if efforts don't materialize.

That she did not act is what made me post what I did above in this thread, al.

Deb

 

[pregcurious]

Sad situation.

He should have been honest with her. She should have stood her ground, which would have made her realize that this was deal breaker.

Should, should, should. It's done, unfortunately. She should take control of her life now, and make herself as happy as she can be.

 

[monarch64]

I hope that your friend can heal and move forward in her life, knowing that she still has plenty of good years she can make use of. I'm really sorry that she's going through a bad time, but I hope that she ends up realizing that life doesn't have to be about regrets.

You're a good friend, iLander.