New...don''t like engagement ring...please advise :(

[MAC-W]

Date: 12/29/2009 7:21:11 PM
Author: wonderlust
Thanks everyone for your thoughtful tips and advice! I really appreciate it Also thanks for not making me seem like a golddigger, etc...I'm definitely not, would be happy with a cheap or cheaper ring if it was just more my style.

I think I will gently try to talk to my fiance about it and see if he is open to maybe using the stones from the ring for my wedding band and picking out another ring together that's reasonably priced but more my style. Another issue (yes, yet another) is that I am allergic to white gold, so I'm actually allergic to the ring too. Sigh...

I didn't mean to make my fiance sound mean when he said 'End of conversation!' (though he did say this!) when I brought up not necessarily wanting a diamond in Oct, usually he is very open but I think he was panicky b/c he had already bought the ring in Jun...and yet now (in Dec) we still have to deal w/the matter at hand!

I really appreciate the surprise factor of an engagement but I have to say for any guys out there, it's just a better idea to either propose w/no ring, a small ring wanting to upgrade at some point, a setting only, or a stone only. It's such a double standard that the guy gets to pick out exactly what he wants!

Also interesting that some of you noticed the 'personality' of my FMIL...yes, when you marry a person, you really marry the family. This isn't the first (or worst) kind of comment like that, so I'm almost used to it by now. For a long time I was worried about 'getting' her to like me, until I realized that no one would be good enough for her son...another issue for another day.

I'll keep you all updated on what happens!

Congratulations on your engagement.

I did wonder when reading your original post if the reason he said "end of conversation" was because he had already bought the ring.

Did you know before he gave you this ring that you were allergic to white gold?

because of the allergy, its a perfectly reasonable to suggest changing the ring, and I think if you can re-use the diamonds into a wedding band then it shows you treasure the original ring and his sentiment in buying it for you even though it wasnt your taste.

Good luck and happy engagement.

 

[LilyKat]

Have you called Zales and told them you are allergic to the ring?

I''d be very surprised if they didn''t allow an exchange in this situation, especially if the ring is pretty much in original condition.

 

[Patchee]

Ugg, I lost my whole post! Grr. But, CONGRATS on your engagement Wonderdust! Welcome to PS

In the short of my lost long post...

Your FI sounds like a great guy. Mom in law - assuming she knows what you want... oy vey - you must fix that LOL. Wedding planning is coming up and boy are MIL''s a PITA sometimes

I think it''s great that you are allergic to the ring. There is the perfect out for a replacement. *If* you cannot exchange it get yourself a nice band to wear and stash the E ring in the dresser draw or maybe make what you want in a ring, out of the ring. You seem like a person who just want simple but you want what you want in that simplicity and that is totally fair.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

If you are allergic there shouldn''t be an issue at all.

Contact Zales and see if you can return the ring for a platinum ring you like (even if it''s a wedding band) and then you can work together to get an e-ring you like when you know what you want and have the budget to make that happen.

Congrats again on your engagement, and good luck keeping your MIL from being too much a part of your life/your FIs decision making. That can be a tough balance to find/navigate.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I haven't read all the responses. . .my thought would be since a wedding band won't sit flush with the ring, possibly wear just a wedding band and turn the eng. ring into a RHR???

ETA - just saw your allergic to WG. Was your FI aware of this before he purchased the ring? That is the perfect excuse to trade in the ring.

 

[mela lu]

Congrats on your engagement! I too was the recipient of a Ering I did not love (in my case it was the stone I disliked, not the setting) and even though my FI at the time was hurt, I explained that I have to wear it every day and I want to feel proud and happy with it. He came around eventually, and in my case I reset the dawg stone into a pendant and bought a new RB stone for the original setting. Everyone was happy!

Perhaps you can use the stones in this ring (As mentioned above) for your wedding ring, so the sentiment is there, and when the right time comes, you can get a nice simple solitaire in Platinum. Again, everyone happy!

Good luck! The most important thing is that you and DH work together to find a solution that you''re both happy with. The first "compromise" you''ll both have to make in your marriage. Welcome to the first of many. eye roll.

 

[jewelz617]

Oooooh, you''re allergic to your ring? Fabulous! Now you can definitely give it the old heave hoe and get something you adore, whether it be a moissanite solitaire, or a Zales trade in. I have a meddling mother in law as well. She calls my husband 5 times a week like he''s 16 and asks if he paid the electric, if our daughter has enough clothing, if he remembered to get an oil change, etc. She''s very controlling and I''m big into boundaries and have definitely let her know in the past that we are adults and to kindly keep her worries to herself. She thinks I''m a brat because my family is pretty well off, when the reality is that I don''t consider my parent''s money to mean that I am well off myself and work very hard for what we do have

The best thing in all this is that the man you love wants to spend the rest of his life with you. The rest is small potatoes!

 

[AprilBaby]

Congrats on your engagement! I too am allergic to white gold. Perfect excuse for a new ring. Zales will take a trade up if nothing else, so find yourself a nice platinum or YG band or a gorgeous colored stone ring!

 

[platinumrock]

Date: 12/30/2009 4:09:30 PM
Author: PinkAsscher678
Oooooh, you''re allergic to your ring? Fabulous! Now you can definitely give it the old heave hoe and get something you adore, whether it be a moissanite solitaire, or a Zales trade in. I have a meddling mother in law as well. She calls my husband 5 times a week like he''s 16 and asks if he paid the electric, if our daughter has enough clothing, if he remembered to get an oil change, etc. She''s very controlling and I''m big into boundaries and have definitely let her know in the past that we are adults and to kindly keep her worries to herself. She thinks I''m a brat because my family is pretty well off, when the reality is that I don''t consider my parent''s money to mean that I am well off myself and work very hard for what we do have

The best thing in all this is that the man you love wants to spend the rest of his life with you. The rest is small potatoes!

Well said! And if you have a husband that backs you up and puts you first before anyone else, you''ve hit a true gem.

And kudos to you for standing up to MIL! She''s going to think what she wants, but at least she knows you won''t tolerate her nosiness.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 12/30/2009 4:09:30 PM
Author: PinkAsscher678
I have a meddling mother in law as well. She calls my husband 5 times a week like he''s 16 and asks if he paid the electric, if our daughter has enough clothing, if he remembered to get an oil change, etc. She''s very controlling and I''m big into boundaries and have definitely let her know in the past that we are adults and to kindly keep her worries to herself.

I can sympathies! In the beginning of my relationship with my Fi it was clear that his mom still treated him like a child. Well, I soon put a stop to that by gently but firmly making it clear that we were both grown adults and capable of making our own decisions. Thankfully, she got the message and we get on really great. She still pokes her nose in a little but it''s only when she actually has something relevant to input and is being helpful

 

[lknvrb4]

LOL, my first ex has parents that thought I was not good enough for their son. I remember when we moved into our first apartment they brought a box over of condiments and such and they were used. Like we can''t go buy those kinds of things.
I am lucky to say I have the best MIL in the world now.

 

[clgwli]

What a tough situation, but as others said since you are allergic to white gold you definitely have an out on this one. I would tell him ASAP about it and see if Zales will allow for a store credit/trade and get something you can wear (even if only a wedding band for later). I admit I wouldn''t like that ring either. I would rather one small stone instead of a big cluster ring. Not my style at all as well.

Good luck with the future MIL though. I have a very interesting lady for one myself. I mostly ignore them now and it works for me. She stuck her head in my business one too many times and never respects my wishes. She airs my private information to people that I do not want her to tell. Now we do not tell her anything at all that is highly personal.

Congratulation though!!! I wish you both all the best

 

[tlh]

When you have an allergy it is something to consider. Having your skin break down whenever you wear it - isnt really an option for the next 1, 5, or 50 years. I'd go to the store, see if they have a trade up policy - where you can get store credit... I've even read that KAY would take in trades... but to be honest I don't know from first hand experience... I just saw it pop up on a quick google search.

I looked up Zales trade ins and because you weren't seen as a solitaire girl they may not take it on a trade. It looks like they only have a 90 day exchange policy and a 30 day return policy. Shame he wasn't a little more open for discussion after he had already purchased it... he might have learned something and been able to exchange.

I'm hoping that maybe you'll be able to appeal to them w/ your allergy - and maybe if they make commision your sales person will do a little wiggle work for you - to get you something you can wear.

If they won't take it back, I would maybe look at getting a band that you can wear, or a gemstone or diamond in a setting that you can wear without issue. I would be sensitive about the fact that he picked something out, thinking you'd like it, and hoping to get some awesome sparkle and figure coverage for his modest budget... as a solitare is much much more expensive than a cluster setting... and white gold is much cheaper than platinum. However if you have a legitimate allergy - I would let him know you cannot wear it - and try to find something together, or work this out together, in something you can wear.

Good luck to you on finding the perfect ring, and congratulations on your proposal. FWIW I happen to think it is a lovely ring... and if you aren't able to return it - maybe you can occassionally wear it as a RHR and pass down to one of your children in the future.. I'm sure they'd love the sentiment behind it as well as the fact that it is a lovely ring.

eta: I did want to add if this is defined as bridal jewelry by the store, they may be able to trade it up... so I'd try to make sure that you emphasise that it was sold to you as BRIDAL JEWELRY.

 

[DiamondFlame]

What a bummer! I feel for you, and I must say I have a few choice words for your guy. What was he thinking, consulting his own mom about an e-ring meant for YOU? Is his mom the one getting engaged?

You seem like a sensible & wonderful young lady. And this is a rather delicate situation. If you''re really allergic to white gold, that gives you the chance for a reset as others have pointed out. And perhaps if your fiance seems to have had difficulties in choosing the first ring, get him to lurk around PS. Who knows, looking through the $1000 ring thread may just open his eyes to the style of rings you favor, made available at the same affordable price.

 

[Carey]

Deco, you are HYSTERICAL! Of course there must be laughter on both sides after that comment! But... yeah.. he needs to learn to listen. And personally, I think this would be a MAGICAL ring if it were a 3-stone instead of all the tiny diamonds....

My old-lady advice? SPEAK NOW. With love. And if he won''t/can''t change the ring, find a beautiful box for it and put it in your drawer.

 

[DrJuju]

Date: 12/29/2009 6:52:40 PM
Author: Rachel9

OMG, mom needs to stay out of this!

now I like the drawer option! Girl, buy yourself a ring.

Agreed! I''m a psychologist and although your future mother-in-law may have good intentions, it''s totally inappropriate for her to even say that. This is about you and your fiancé, NOT whether she thinks you''re a solitaire girl or not. Be careful with her. I say establish communication early on and tell your fiancé what you want. Otherwise he may listen to his mom and ignore your input on bigger decisions.

On a lighter note- you could have gotten a really beautiful gemstone and even a diamond band to pair it with for the same price. It''s not about needing something more expensive, it''s about having something that suits your personality!

Good luck.