New...don''t like engagement ring...please advise :(

[wonderlust]

Hi all.

I''m new here and have seen some similar topics so I thought I''d post my story and see if I could get some advice.

My boyfriend (now fiance) proposed to me on Christmas Eve w/a ring I am less than crazy about. I love him, but I don''t love the ring. I''ve attached a picture of it. It''s just a lot of little diamonds. I don''t even think it looks like an engagement ring. (And neither does my mom.) This may be the wrong place to bring this up, but on top of it, I didn''t really want a diamond/s, and had mentioned it to him casually several months earlier, to which he replied, "End of conversation!" He bought the ring from Zales 6 months ago for around $1000. Of course it''s too late to return it, and I don''t really want to "upgrade" b/c I''d rather just have a more simple ring (or a moissanite...I know I might get shot for saying that.) Even worse, after he gave me the ring his mom was like, "We just didn''t think you were a solitaire kind of girl." ??? I would have loved a solataire over this big gaudy ring, even a tiny one

I know it''s the thought that counts, but I''m going to be wearing this forever, and I just don''t like it! It looks like a cocktail ring, or a right hand ring. I can tell that a wedding band won''t fit snugly against it. Please advise. I feel like a bad person, and I am sure we won''t be able to return it.

 

[JSM]

Oh, I''m sorry you are feeling this way. This is a tough situation, have to talked to your fiance about it at all? A lot of men would be offended, but some might prefer you say something now versus waiting.

Hopefully someone has good advice for you. Good luck.

 

[decodelighted]

Take it off. Put it in a drawer. When he asks where it is shout "End of conversation!" and walk away.

 

[ericad]

Sorry to hear you don''t like your ring

Perhaps you could take it back to the store and trade it towards a solitaire or gemstone ring - something more your taste? Or tell your fiance you would prefer to trade it for a diamond eternity band that can be worn as both engagement ring and wedding ring.

Alternately, since a wedding band won''t sit flush, perhaps you can wear a simple wedding band on your left (once you''re married) and move this ring to your right hand? Then one day down the line - an anniversary, for example, maybe you can get that solitaire or gemstone ring to pair with your wedding band on the left hand.

Good luck - I hope you''re able to work it out.

 

[LilyKat]

Ok, first of all, you're NOT a bad person! Don't feel guilty. Disliking the ring does not equate to a problem in your relationship.

I think the ring could be really pretty in real life, but I also see where you're coming from re: the lots of small diamonds. I know it would be too late to return it, but would Zales be prepared to offer an exchange? Or even a part-exchange? Perhaps give them a call to find out first, and if it is a possibility, gently bring it up with your fiance.

If this isn't practical, I would concentrate on finding a wedding band that you love - make it exactly what you would want in a ring. And if it doesn't fit flush against the e-ring... well, that's the perfect excuse to put the e-ring in storage and forget about it

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 12/29/2009 4:59:11 PM
Author: decodelighted
Take it off. Put it in a drawer. When he asks where it is shout ''End of conversation!'' and walk away.

hahhaa... YES!

Before resorting to that method I would probably just talk to him and see about getting what I really want later on.

 

[yssie]

First, congratulations on your engagement!!!



I'm sorry about the ring, though

. I don't think it's all that uncommon for a girl not to LOVE LOVE LOVE!! her engagement ring - certainly not if it was chosen without input from her, or with her input ignored (

to him for this, btw).


Can you sit down and talk with him? He's your fiance, now, afterall, and this will just be the first of many difficult conversations you'll have over your lifetime together. You're allowed to feel the way you feel, and you're allowed to voice those feelings, even though it may hurt his feelings - you're both going to have to compromise on this, since it's not fair to you to have to wear something you dislike. I imagine he'll want to know what you honestly think, though - most guys want to make their partners happy, even if it means compromising on what they want

. Maybe Zales will agree to an exchange? Or maybe they won't, and you can't buy a new ring right off the bat and you don't want to take the loss from a trade-in, but you might agree to start putting aside a little for a new ring to be chosen for your birthday, or his birthday, or an anniversary, or some other special occasion...


Good luck! The ring of your dreams is in your future, it's just a bit complicated getting there

 

[Steel]

Wonderlust, sorry you don''t like the ring. It is not a big deal. Get a wedding band you love and do not factor this ring into the decision making; I don''t see you wearing it for very long. I see a nice gemstone in your future.

Start dropping hints. If he is cranky that you don''t wear the ring start showing him how it is ''snagging'' your favourite clothes. So really you cant wear it.

Date: 12/29/2009 4:59:11 PM
Author: decodelighted
Take it off. Put it in a drawer. When he asks where it is shout ''End of conversation!'' and walk away.

 

[beechezz]

Date: 12/29/2009 5:02:38 PM
Author: ericad
Sorry to hear you don''t like your ring

Perhaps you could take it back to the store and trade it towards a solitaire or gemstone ring - something more your taste? Or tell your fiance you would prefer to trade it for a diamond eternity band that can be worn as both engagement ring and wedding ring.

Alternately, since a wedding band won''t sit flush, perhaps you can wear a simple wedding band on your left (once you''re married) and move this ring to your right hand? Then one day down the line - an anniversary, for example, maybe you can get that solitaire or gemstone ring to pair with your wedding band on the left hand.

Good luck - I hope you''re able to work it out.

I agree with this. Get yourself an awesome wedding band that you love, and down the road for an anniversary get something for an engagement ring that you love.

I agree that many women don''t love their e-ring especially since it is a surprise (myself included), but after some time engaged/married you can get something more your style (I did).

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Congratulations on getting engaged

Yssie has great advice I think...talk to him, see if it can be returned, if not (and depending how much you don''t like it

) wear it on your right hand (or not at all) get a wedding band you love, and in a few years when you are more financially secure buy a ring you love.

Your ring might grow on you, or you might love it as a right hand ring, or you might trade it in for something else

Be sensitive towards your FI, especially if he seems excited about the ring, but also be honest. Your are the one who has to wear it.

Since you had no input into the ring, it''s not surprising that you aren''t really into it right now. Just talk to him and see how you can work it out.

 

[jewelz617]

Erm... yeah. I mean, the ring is pretty and all, but doesn''t sound at all like what you would choose. It''s just a shame he didn''t listen. If wearing it makes you upset, put it away. If he asks why, simply tell him it''s not your style. If he gets upset, TOUGH NUGGETS. He ended the conversation before, so can you. Hold out for an upgrade/trade in.

 

[platinumrock]

Date: 12/29/2009 4:59:11 PM
Author: decodelighted
Take it off. Put it in a drawer. When he asks where it is shout ''End of conversation!'' and walk away.

Hahahaa!!! Deco, you''re a nut. You sure have a way with words.

Wonderlust, I''m sorry that you don''t love your ring. I''m also disappointed for you that they didn''t even involve you or ask for you input in the selection process. Don''t feel bad at all. If you''re not happy with your ring, you need to be honest with your fiance. I hope he''ll be understanding and will work with you to get the ring that you want. I certainly hope he won''t use the "End of conversation" comment everytime you guys encounter an issue in your marriage. Maybe he just had a bad day and he was frustrated about something.

What''s the point of an e-ring if you don''t even want to wear it?

 

[I Love My Sailor]

I agree with you and I wouldn''t like that ring either. Its really depends on you fiances financial situation, do you think he could have afforded a nicer ring? I think.... if my fiance had very little money and that ring was the best he could possible afford.. it would mean a lot to me, and there is always a chance for upgrade when there is more money coming in. But if you think he could have gotten a nicer ring but didn''t put much thought into it, I would be upset.

For example when my mom was getting engaged. My step dad got a big tax return, like 3 thousand (about 15 years ago) He spen $500 on a ring and put the rest of the money in his car!!!!!! lets just they she was less then pleased and I understand that.

My advise is to wear the ring and when you guys have more money, upgrade. If your fiance makes enough money to have bought a more expensive ring you can always let him know how you feel. But it he did his best, then I would not say anything. Just be considerate of his feeling and try and make him understand yours.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 12/29/2009 6:06:10 PM
Author: platinumrock

Date: 12/29/2009 4:59:11 PM
Author: decodelighted
Take it off. Put it in a drawer. When he asks where it is shout 'End of conversation!' and walk away.

Hahahaa!!! Deco, you're a nut. You sure have a way with words.

Wonderlust, I'm sorry that you don't love your ring. I'm also disappointed for you that they didn't even involve you or ask for you input in the selection process. Don't feel bad at all. If you're not happy with your ring, you need to be honest with your fiance. I hope he'll be understanding and will work with you to get the ring that you want. I certainly hope he won't use the 'End of conversation' comment everytime you guys encounter an issue in your marriage. Maybe he just had a bad day and he was frustrated about something.

What's the point of an e-ring if you don't even want to wear it?

platinumrock - that's exactly what I was thinking! I fell out of love with my original split shank ering and when I told my FI he was a bit disappointed at first but now he loves my new setting and agrees that it looks way better than the old one. I think you can either a) put it in a draw and refuse to wear it, b) have a talk with your FI and see if Zales will exchange / upgrade it or c) wear it and hope it grows on you

Personally speaking my ering IS a big deal to me because it's on my finger nearlly 24/7 so I have to be happy with it.

 

[joelly]

Wonderlust, Congratulations on your engagement!!!!

I understand how you feel. But this doesn''t make you a bad person. I would suggest to talk to him about how you feel and if he doesn''t listen, stop wearing the ring and see if he notice. If he does notice and launch a protest then ask him if it means he is ready to listen to you now.

 

[joelly]

Date: 12/29/2009 4:53:08 PM
Author:wonderlust
Hi all.

I''m new here and have seen some similar topics so I thought I''d post my story and see if I could get some advice.

My boyfriend (now fiance) proposed to me on Christmas Eve w/a ring I am less than crazy about. I love him, but I don''t love the ring. I''ve attached a picture of it. It''s just a lot of little diamonds. I don''t even think it looks like an engagement ring. (And neither does my mom.) This may be the wrong place to bring this up, but on top of it, I didn''t really want a diamond/s, and had mentioned it to him casually several months earlier, to which he replied, ''End of conversation!'' He bought the ring from Zales 6 months ago for around $1000. Of course it''s too late to return it, and I don''t really want to ''upgrade'' b/c I''d rather just have a more simple ring (or a moissanite...I know I might get shot for saying that.) Even worse, after he gave me the ring his mom was like, ''We just didn''t think you were a solitaire kind of girl.'' ??? I would have loved a solataire over this big gaudy ring, even a tiny one

I know it''s the thought that counts, but I''m going to be wearing this forever, and I just don''t like it! It looks like a cocktail ring, or a right hand ring. I can tell that a wedding band won''t fit snugly against it. Please advise. I feel like a bad person, and I am sure we won''t be able to return it.

The highlighted above really rubs me in the wrong way.

 

[Rachel9]

OMG, mom needs to stay out of this!

now I like the drawer option! Girl, buy yourself a ring.

 

[platinumrock]

Date: 12/29/2009 6:28:17 PM
Author: Londongirl1

Date: 12/29/2009 6:06:10 PM
Author: platinumrock

Date: 12/29/2009 4:59:11 PM
Author: decodelighted
Take it off. Put it in a drawer. When he asks where it is shout ''End of conversation!'' and walk away.

Hahahaa!!! Deco, you''re a nut. You sure have a way with words.

Wonderlust, I''m sorry that you don''t love your ring. I''m also disappointed for you that they didn''t even involve you or ask for you input in the selection process. Don''t feel bad at all. If you''re not happy with your ring, you need to be honest with your fiance. I hope he''ll be understanding and will work with you to get the ring that you want. I certainly hope he won''t use the ''End of conversation'' comment everytime you guys encounter an issue in your marriage. Maybe he just had a bad day and he was frustrated about something.

What''s the point of an e-ring if you don''t even want to wear it?

platinumrock - that''s exactly what I was thinking! I fell out of love with my original split shank ering and when I told my FI he was a bit disappointed at first but now he loves my new setting and agrees that it looks way better than the old one. I think you can either a) put it in a draw and refuse to wear it, b) have a talk with your FI and see if Zales will exchange / upgrade it or c) wear it and hope it grows on you

Personally speaking my ering IS a big deal to me because it''s on my finger nearlly 24/7 so I have to be happy with it.

Londongirl, I totally agree! I never ever take my rings off. I''m on my second upgrade and I finally feel satisfied with my new diamond. But it takes a really understanding and patient man to understand that you''re not happy until you''re happy. I''m lucky that my husband is that man...otherwise...I''d feel even worse because:
A) I''m not happy with my ring
B) He feels bad that I''m not happy with it
C) Knowing that I can''t upgrade it or get the ring that I want will make me miserable everytime I look at it
D) I probably won''t wear it
E) I''ll look like an ungrateful, spoiled brat to those who don''t know the whole story.

In my situation, my husband and I pooled our resources together for my first e-ring and I did all the research with the stone and setting. Then he proposed with the final product. I know it''s not the traditional surprise engagement, but we''re not a traditional couple either.

People shouldn''t follow a tradition just for tradition''s sake. Marriage is about working together as a team to make each other happy, so why not apply that to the engagement process?

 

[joelly]

I know right? I mean I feel iffy that the Mom actually say something. I mean I''ll be okay if she helps her son pick the ring but I would try to stay out of it once my son gives it to the girl. I mean honestly lady, you''re not the one getting engaged. But I gotta say that Wonderlust has a good character. If it were me, I''ll be so boiled my face would turn so red-a-lobster.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 12/29/2009 5:56:53 PM
Author: PinkAsscher678
Erm... yeah. I mean, the ring is pretty and all, but doesn''t sound at all like what you would choose. It''s just a shame he didn''t listen. If wearing it makes you upset, put it away. If he asks why, simply tell him it''s not your style. If he gets upset, TOUGH NUGGETS. He ended the conversation before, so can you. Hold out for an upgrade/trade in.

Ditto.

 

[lknvrb4]

I think you just need to talk to him about it. Of course he would want you to have a ring that you adore. I would do as the others suggested and see about trading it back to Zales. With the circumstances with him waiting to propose after 6 months maybe they would trade it back. Good luck!

 

[wonderlust]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful tips and advice! I really appreciate it Also thanks for not making me seem like a golddigger, etc...I''m definitely not, would be happy with a cheap or cheaper ring if it was just more my style.

I think I will gently try to talk to my fiance about it and see if he is open to maybe using the stones from the ring for my wedding band and picking out another ring together that''s reasonably priced but more my style. Another issue (yes, yet another) is that I am allergic to white gold, so I''m actually allergic to the ring too. Sigh...

I didn''t mean to make my fiance sound mean when he said "End of conversation!" (though he did say this!) when I brought up not necessarily wanting a diamond in Oct, usually he is very open but I think he was panicky b/c he had already bought the ring in Jun...and yet now (in Dec) we still have to deal w/the matter at hand!

I really appreciate the surprise factor of an engagement but I have to say for any guys out there, it''s just a better idea to either propose w/no ring, a small ring wanting to upgrade at some point, a setting only, or a stone only. It''s such a double standard that the guy gets to pick out exactly what he wants!

Also interesting that some of you noticed the ''personality'' of my FMIL...yes, when you marry a person, you really marry the family. This isn''t the first (or worst) kind of comment like that, so I''m almost used to it by now. For a long time I was worried about "getting" her to like me, until I realized that no one would be good enough for her son...another issue for another day.

I''ll keep you all updated on what happens!

 

[joelly]

Ohhh Wonderlust, you''re such a sweet gal. Wish you the best of luck!!!

 

[Chris380]

Wonderlust,

I am so sorry that you are not in love with your ring. I like the suggestion of shifting your focus to getting the perfect w-band. I would then wear the e-ring on the right hand and work on getting a new e-ring to pair with the w-band. Or, if you like the stacked w-band look you could get additional eternity bands for special occassions. The original e-ring can then be retired to a drawer! Along the way, you may want talk honestly with your fiance about it -- but, I do think it is a sensitive subject with a lot of emotions attached. Do you think he already had the ring picked out when you said you didn''t need/want a diamond? In any case, my heart goes out to you. This should be such a happy time. I echo earlier suggestions that marriage is full of difficult conversations -- maybe this is a good time to practice and get your dream ring

 

[yssie]

Date: 12/29/2009 7:21:11 PM
Author: wonderlust
Thanks everyone for your thoughtful tips and advice! I really appreciate it Also thanks for not making me seem like a golddigger, etc...I'm definitely not, would be happy with a cheap or cheaper ring if it was just more my style.

I think I will gently try to talk to my fiance about it and see if he is open to maybe using the stones from the ring for my wedding band and picking out another ring together that's reasonably priced but more my style. Another issue (yes, yet another) is that I am allergic to white gold, so I'm actually allergic to the ring too. Sigh...

I didn't mean to make my fiance sound mean when he said 'End of conversation!' (though he did say this!) when I brought up not necessarily wanting a diamond in Oct, usually he is very open but I think he was panicky b/c he had already bought the ring in Jun...and yet now (in Dec) we still have to deal w/the matter at hand!

I really appreciate the surprise factor of an engagement but I have to say for any guys out there, it's just a better idea to either propose w/no ring, a small ring wanting to upgrade at some point, a setting only, or a stone only. It's such a double standard that the guy gets to pick out exactly what he wants!

Also interesting that some of you noticed the 'personality' of my FMIL...yes, when you marry a person, you really marry the family. This isn't the first (or worst) kind of comment like that, so I'm almost used to it by now. For a long time I was worried about 'getting' her to like me, until I realized that no one would be good enough for her son...another issue for another day.

I'll keep you all updated on what happens!

Well, then you're certainly going to have to do at least a reset!! Might as well get it right now - after all, it's an awfully busy ring with lots of prongs to catch on stuff...

From a practical perspective, I'd say using some of the diamonds in the current ring for a wedding band is a great idea! The reset will have to be palladium or platinum; I've found it hard to find local jewellers who will work with Pd, and Pt can get expensive, so saving a little by reusing your diamonds is a great thing! Would you be open to perhaps using the biggest in a simple solitaire or three-stone as your engagement ring? Might have the additional benefit of assuaging his ego

I'm sorry about FMIL

. There's just no winning with some people.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Haha, I think telling him the you are allergic to the ring is a TOTALLY VALID reason to not wear it!

I don't know how sensitive your fiance is to these things, but you could just not wear it "due to allergies" to spare his feelings for now, and maybe wait for the honeymoon phase of the engagement to be over before bringing it up. I think you should maybe let him bask in the new engagement for a little while longer before this talk? He might be a little less crestfallen if you give it a little time (from my experience, the short term memory and emotional attachment of most men to shiny objects is pretty short lived), and it will seem like you really did try to like it for awhile.

 

[platinumrock]

Date: 12/29/2009 7:21:11 PM
Author: wonderlust
Thanks everyone for your thoughtful tips and advice! I really appreciate it Also thanks for not making me seem like a golddigger, etc...I''m definitely not, would be happy with a cheap or cheaper ring if it was just more my style.

I think I will gently try to talk to my fiance about it and see if he is open to maybe using the stones from the ring for my wedding band and picking out another ring together that''s reasonably priced but more my style. Another issue (yes, yet another) is that I am allergic to white gold, so I''m actually allergic to the ring too. Sigh...

I didn''t mean to make my fiance sound mean when he said ''End of conversation!'' (though he did say this!) when I brought up not necessarily wanting a diamond in Oct, usually he is very open but I think he was panicky b/c he had already bought the ring in Jun...and yet now (in Dec) we still have to deal w/the matter at hand!

I really appreciate the surprise factor of an engagement but I have to say for any guys out there, it''s just a better idea to either propose w/no ring, a small ring wanting to upgrade at some point, a setting only, or a stone only. It''s such a double standard that the guy gets to pick out exactly what he wants!

Also interesting that some of you noticed the ''personality'' of my FMIL...yes, when you marry a person, you really marry the family. This isn''t the first (or worst) kind of comment like that, so I''m almost used to it by now. For a long time I was worried about ''getting'' her to like me, until I realized that no one would be good enough for her son...another issue for another day.

I''ll keep you all updated on what happens!

I''m so glad to hear that your fiance is usually open and that remark was just on that particular day. I''m sure you won''t have any problems with changing the setting or getting a different ring altogether, as long as it''s within the budget.

Regarding your FMIL, you seem to be handling her with class. I''ve had issues with a sis-in-law before that had a hard time letting her brother go, and it took years for her to accept that she had to share the attention. Now she''s really cool. She''s changed a lot over the years. The good thing about in-laws is that you get to choose when you want to see them or talk to them

Good luck, and let us know what happens!

 

[CaliSun]

Hi Wonderlust

and a big congrats on your engagement!!

There''s no better gift in life than the man of your dreams asking you to spend the rest of your life with him.

So look at it this way -- the hard part is over!! Now you have the daunting task of discussing this with your love. But keep this in mind... He LOVES you and wants you to be happy, right? And communication is super important in a relationship. In a way, this can be a good thing for the two of you. Overcoming obstacles, no matter how big or small always makes love stronger!!
It''s quite surprising to me how many men don''t understand how important jewelry is to ladies - so kindly guide him and let him know that you want to wear it every day and have something more your style. Honestly, I don''t know how men shop for jewelry on their own. It must be terrifying for most of them.

I agree with many of the other posters here in that you can wait a bit, and get a wedding band of your choosing (not to match the e-ring you were given). Then, when you and your FI agree the time is right, you can purchase a new one. I''m sure it will be worth the wait!

Best of luck to you. And please let us know what happens!!

 

[marcy]

Congratulations on your engagement. I would not wear now and when he asks why tell him about the WG allergy. Hopefully that will lead to a discussion of what to do about it and then you can have more input in a replacement for your ring.

 

[Sizzle]

I think you could use the white gold angle. Being allergic to white gold, perhaps you could look on the Zales site and find out their policy and an alternative.