NEVER admit you don't want children ...

[kenny]

Sheesh!

http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-34916433

 

[chemgirl]

Haha I say it all of the time!

 

[telephone89]

Wow that is disgusting.
Theyre basically saying that a womans only purpose in life is to reproduce. And, with all the kids that need adopting, maybe less people SHOULD be having kids. Sheesh indeed.

 

[azstonie]

You don't have to tell me that, the first bane of my existence was "When are you two getting married?" Then when I got married it was "When are you two having kids?"

My frequent response to both and to all nosy questions: How soon will you need to be informed??????

 

[Dancing Fire]

You don't have to tell me that, the first bane of my existence was "When are you two getting married?" Then when I got married it was "When are you two having kids?"

My frequent response to both and to all nosy questions: How soon will you need to be informed??????

As soon as possible!...

 

[Queenie60]

Terrible. It's a lifetime commitment and I say if you don't want to have children, then you should not and it's not anyones business. I sometimes want to return mine!

 

[PintoBean]

From my experience, the employers love the childless employees because they can work the long hours uninterrupted. One job - we were there sometimes till 10 PM, and on weekends. Hmmm... interesting that both me and my colleague had 0 kids. The third guy was trying to get out as soon as he got married and was out of the group by the time he had his first born. Yes, I didn't have to stop and go get a child from daycare, but what that meant was that I burnt out after a year of working crazy hours.

 

[Yimmers]

Day after wedding, my mom's relatives asked me when we were having kids and that we should have them soon. (Really, what my uterus does is none of your damn business). Oh, and that being on BC for so long would impact my ability to have kids. (No, it doesn't, and again, WTF do you care??)

Why do people feel the overwhelming need to pass judgment? I refuse to speak to many people about my own fertility issues because I hate dealing with judgmental people. Just fricking accept my choices. That's all she's asking for.

 

[kenny]

I'm not defending them, but I think I know why so many insist others have kids.

Being a parent is a hugely self-less thing to do ... at least if you're going to be a good parent.
The needs of the kid come first ... rather, should.

I think of good parents as life-support systems for someone else.
In a sense you kind of die, as you are literally being replaced by another human being who carries your precious DNA into the future and beyond.

There has to be (in some parents) enormous, conscious or unconscious, jealousy of and resentment towards others who keep their independence/money/energy/time for themselves by not having kids.
IMO this is the origin of the nasty comments this woman got.

 

[House Cat]

I don't understand the rage pointed at this woman. What the heck? Do you think it is a misery loves company sort of mentality?? Are they jealous because they decided to have kids and realized their lives are much less happy than they thought they would be, so they are taking that rage out on this woman? I am remembering that Harvard study that said that couples with children were much more unhappy than childless couples.

Why is a person's choice to stay childfree such a big deal?

 

[kenny]

Why is a person's choice to stay childfree such a big deal?

Because People Vary is not embraced.

 

[Calliecake]

Why is a person's choice to stay childfree such a big deal?

Because People Vary is not embraced.

Kenny, Your last sentence sums it up perfectly!

 

[Gypsy]

This is my response to that:

 

[MarionC]

Never admit you don't want children...especially after you have them.

 

[CJ2008]

I've been called selfish...

By my manicurist.

And I have one friend who tries to influence me whenever the subject comes up with the usual "you'd be such a great mother." That is a subject I now stay away from with her, and it's a shame, because I love her a lot.

Honestly, I get stressed out when I have too much going on - I feel like I stress quicker and get overwhelmed quicker than other people - so I would not be a great mother because I'd be a mess...some people just are more equipped than others.

And Gypsy - I love that quote - so true. And in some cultures it is so evident, it's not subtle at all.

 

[missy]

In my experiences I find most friends and family are accepting of the fact that my dh and I decided not to have any children despite having a lot to offer children if we had chosen to have them. However there are always some people (mainly acquaintances) who are critical of that decision and judge us for it. Some of those people are jealous because we have more freedom in our lives together.

However I think that some who judge us are just ignorant and don't get that not everyone should be a parent. Honestly I see more people that have children that probably should not have than people who don't have children that should... if that makes sense.

We are happy with our decision and have not ever regretted it. Not yet and many years have passed since we made the decision. We both enjoy and love children but it was not for us to have children of our own.

I never let it bother me when some judge the fact we decided no children for us and I happily and freely admit I never wanted children if asked. I feel sorry for those narrow minded people and that they have to live within the constraints of their small minded world.


Jimmianne, haha you crack me up girlfriend.

 

[momhappy]

As a parent, I don't have any resentment and/or jealousy towards those who are childless. That would assume that I would care a great deal about the lives of others and to be honest, my own life is busy enough that I don't sit around and think about why so-and-so and so-and-so don't have children
If someone chooses not to have children, fabulous! The world is overpopulated anyways. I'm sure that there are those who feel that it's part of a woman's "purpose" to have kids (I personally don't feel that way), so if that purpose goes unfulfilled, it may seem wasteful to some (again, those aren't my feelings on the matter). I get an enormous amount of joy out of raising kids and sure, I'd like others to experience that too, but if parenting is not for you, it's not for you and I have no negative feelings (jealousy, resentment, etc.) associated with those choices.

 

[telephone89]

Never admit you don't want children...especially after you have them.

Okay, this I can see

 

[Rhea]

I'll be honest, I've never gotten crap for it other than from a college boyfriend. We're occasionally asked about our choice but it's by people who are similar minded and want to discuss it, or friends who simply don't want to put their foot in their mouth by assuming one way or another that it's a choice or not. Other than that just my dr because of risk factors.

Who are these nosey people? I admit to living in a large city for the last several years and city folk are better at ignoring people than butting in, but I can't imagine anyone close to me asking meanly or making judgements. Another couple in our group likely won't have children and I do get questions from the female. I'm the eldest of my husband's friend's partners by a few years and she the youngest by several years. She not mean, she's curious. My friends are running around pregnant to having a 14 year old and none of her friends have started breeding yet.

 

[ksinger]

My first husband was 8 years older than me and already had a daughter, so no one from his family bothered us about kids. My mother would have never. Then we got divorced when I was 35, and I spent the next 8 years single. So no one bothered me then either, because, well... The current husband and I married when we were both a bit long in the tooth for kids (he never had any either), so no one bothered us then. Now we're past even the chance of snotty comments. Yay.

However, from time to time I get a few jealousy-tinged comments about my jewelry (which is really not that out there, I think), with people saying, "How can you afford jewelry like that? You must make a lot of money!" (meaning, "more than ME"). When I get those, I just smile and say, "Well, it's all about priorities, I chose a few thousand over a few years on nice pieces of jewelry, you chose to spend your disposable on kids." Then the kicker, if I'm feeling really mean, "And when I buy jewelry not only is it cheaper, I only pay for it once. You pay for kids for at least 25 years." They usually say, "Well....yeah, you're right." and then never make comments about my jewelry again.

I know.....mean.

 

[distracts]

Gypsy ftw with her answer. Although I do also think that a lot of the societal pressure on having children is some sort of weird innate perpetuation-of-the-species drive. Doesn't really explain the hate, but may explain the fascination.

Also it's interesting - a few months ago I looked up a couple of the studies of the happiness of people with and without kids after reading about one in an article, but all the ones I saw only measured WITHIN THE FIRST TWO TO THREE YEARS of having kids. I'd be far more interested in seeing a study that compares the happiness of people with high-schoolers, or adult children, to people similar ages without children. I'd be especially interested in seeing studies that compared the happiness of retired people with and without children. I suspect once the small-child bit is out of the way that most of the differences in happiness disappear. Plenty of people are willing to sacrifice short-term happiness, even the span of a few years, for longer-term gains that appeal to them.

I'll be honest, I've never gotten crap for it other than from a college boyfriend.

Hah omg same - a boyfriend broke up with me once because I said I'd love it if babies could be grown in jars. Like, seriously though, WHO WOULDN'T love that? No morning sickness, no stretch marks, no having to quit the medications I'm on, NO LABOR??? I'd happily pay six figures to grow a baby in a jar instead of inside me.

 

[Sunstorm]

One of the best ones I got was "it is such a waste that a woman with your genes does not reproduce". Sorry but you do not know my genes. Genotype and phenotype are two different things and even if I am intelligent I could have a terrible sick child, not to mention that me myself have battled with various, some inheritable, health problems during my life. I guess some men look at us like eggs.

 

[LLJsmom]

Never admit you don't want children...especially after you have them.

Oooops!!! Maybe I shouldn't have told my son that I didn't want kids in the first place... (Seriously I did tell him and my daughter that.)

Those people that are all over that woman who said she wanted to get sterilized need to GET A LIFE. None of their business. If they want kids so much they can go have them. And leave smarter people alone. (OMG, I just couldn't resist. Sorry). An interesting story: a lot of people my parents age have told their own grown children NOT to feel pressured to have children.

 

[monarch64]

I have to bite my tongue sometimes at this point in my life when people say they don't want children (I don't hear that often anymore, not like I did when I was in my 20s). I've turned into one of those annoying people who used to say they never wanted children but changed their tune later. But I NEVER say anything, because no one is asking for my approval on their choice. I do get a chuckle out of preconceived notions, the same ones that I had before I had a baby. Everyone has to find out for themselves, though, and hey, I don't have any personal stake in whether you want to keep your uterus free of fetuses or not. I will say that I do not like it when people who are childfree by choice are JUST as in your face about it as people who have kids and think it's some sort of crime that some people don't want them. Don't assume that because I have a child my body is riddled with the evidence and scarred for life or that I never have sex with my husband anymore or that I'm resentful of people who have no kids and a paid-off house/cars/etc. Respect needs to go both ways.

 

[Arcadian]

Thats so disgusting. I'm child free by choice. Thankfully I met a man who is the same way; we would suck as parents. I have no issue with people who want kids and have them and I say so. My parents always knew of my choice and supported it completely. Though I have to admit it would suck to be them if they didn't! LOL

Frankly people who KNOW that they don't want HRUs and take the steps necessary to not have them should be applauded. There's too many unwanted children out there, with and without parents.

 

[AdaBeta27]

There is definitely a growing backlash against women who don't want children. In the feminist '70s, lots of people, men and women, were saying they didn't want kids. ("I don't want to bring a child into this messed up workd,..."" blah blah, anyone remember that, lol?) Women were encouraged to have careers. Having been one of the kids raised by a dual career couple and having seen ALL of the housework and childcare crap fall on my mother, AFTER she'd already worked a full day. I decided that motherhood was not for me. In the well-heeled science and tech community, that's fine. I had lots of peers who married later, had zero or maybe just 1 child, and only one of those women quit work to be a SAHM. Her second child is autistic, and that's why she made the SAHM choice. True diversity and acceptance of such existed. What you DIDN'T ever see, EVER, was people preaching procreation and religion of any kind.

This is just my opinion, but I think the baby-mama obsession goes hand in hand with low educational levels, peasant cultures, and lower socioeconomic people in general. Hey, if you have no employable skills, and your religion dictates you must marry and have babies to have any real worth, what other choice do those unfortunate women have.

The travesty is that the religious extremists and misogynists want women out of the workforce, back in a third world or peasant submissive role, and under the control of men again. They want to erase all the decades of progress and stamp out feminism and freedom. I never liked '70s culture much, but I am thankful for the rise of feminism that allowed me to escape stupid people and the hick-town breeding life and do something much more interesting to me.

 

[missy]

Monnie, I am curious. You mention some people who are child free by choice being in your face about it. I would think (and maybe I am wrong and that is why I am asking) that it is much more frequent to experience people who have children being more in your face about the decision not having them than people who don't have children being in your face about having them. Does that make sense?

I completely agree with you in that I don't like anyone being in my face about my personal decisions that do not affect that individual personally. Please just leave me alone. Live your life and I will live mine. You (the general you not you Monnie!) live your life the way you want to and I will live my life the way I want to and we can both be happy!

I sort of agree with Ada's post about more of a backlash against women (and men) who choose NOT to have children.

Anyway my motto is and always has been Live and Let Live (as long as you don't personally affect me negatively that is LOL). Have all the kids you want but I beg you, please be able to support them.

Wouldn't it be great if people would just accept freedom of choice and diversity and embrace differences so we could all live happily in peace and love and acceptance?

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

I'm in prime child bearing age (nowadays anyway), I just turned 30. Most of my friends (myself included) have started or are starting families. We talk about everything child related. No one bats an eye when someone mentions that they don't want children. I actually respect people who realize they don't want them and take the steps to make sure they don't have them. It's a complete non-issue. The only thing I can think of becoming an issue as time goes on is that they have to realize that having children does change certain things. No I'm not available at the drop of a hat to do something, yes I might have to bring my child or I can't come, things like that. As long as things like that are understood, I really see no issues. As far as buying things like jewelry, I got a lot of that out of the way before having a kiddo. I know that the budget will be dry for a long while but I prepared for that

 

[monarch64]

Monnie, I am curious. You mention some people who are child free by choice being in your face about it. I would think (and maybe I am wrong and that is why I am asking) that it is much more frequent to experience people who have children being more in your face about the decision not having them than people who don't have children being in your face about having them. Does that make sense?

I completely agree with you in that I don't like anyone being in my face about my personal decisions that do not affect that individual personally. Please just leave me alone. Live your life and I will live mine. You (the general you not you Monnie!) live your life the way you want to and I will live my life the way I want to and we can both be happy!

I sort of agree with Ada's post about more of a backlash against women (and men) who choose NOT to have children.

Anyway my motto is and always has been Live and Let Live (as long as you don't personally affect me negatively that is LOL). Have all the kids you want but I beg you, please be able to support them.

Wouldn't it be great if people would just accept freedom of choice and diversity and embrace differences so we could all live happily in peace and love and acceptance?

Missy, when I commented about CF by choice folks being just as in your face about their views, I should have clarified and noted that that was MY experience but maybe not anyone else's. I've heard for years now from women I've worked with or befriended that they hate kids and would never want "an alien" or "parasite" in their bodies, let alone go through labor and delivery or breastfeed. That it would "ruin" their body, that they would never want stretch marks or any damage to their undercarriage. While I was breastfeeding I had at least 2 women tell me "those are made for sex and that's it" and "is that baby off the tit yet?" These were educated, affluent women, not "peasants" or uneducated women of lower socioeconomic status. I've heard negative speech from women about choosing to have children as well as any other choices regarding child-rearing, and it's hurtful. I would NEVER share my opinions with anyone on the topic unless asked, and even then I would tread lightly and take care not to hurt feelings with my words. It's totally ok for everyone to have whatever opinion and make whatever choice is right for them, but it's not cool to make comments (on either side of the issue) that imply that another's choice is not the right one.

Perhaps the issue is that many people don't seem to have been raised with manners, or taught that "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Or maybe it's that many aren't very intelligent and can't think of anything to talk about other than a woman's uterine intentions.

 

[missy]

Monnie, I am curious. You mention some people who are child free by choice being in your face about it. I would think (and maybe I am wrong and that is why I am asking) that it is much more frequent to experience people who have children being more in your face about the decision not having them than people who don't have children being in your face about having them. Does that make sense?

I completely agree with you in that I don't like anyone being in my face about my personal decisions that do not affect that individual personally. Please just leave me alone. Live your life and I will live mine. You (the general you not you Monnie!) live your life the way you want to and I will live my life the way I want to and we can both be happy!

I sort of agree with Ada's post about more of a backlash against women (and men) who choose NOT to have children.

Anyway my motto is and always has been Live and Let Live (as long as you don't personally affect me negatively that is LOL). Have all the kids you want but I beg you, please be able to support them.

Wouldn't it be great if people would just accept freedom of choice and diversity and embrace differences so we could all live happily in peace and love and acceptance?

Missy, when I commented about CF by choice folks being just as in your face about their views, I should have clarified and noted that that was MY experience but maybe not anyone else's. I've heard for years now from women I've worked with or befriended that they hate kids and would never want "an alien" or "parasite" in their bodies, let alone go through labor and delivery or breastfeed. That it would "ruin" their body, that they would never want stretch marks or any damage to their undercarriage. While I was breastfeeding I had at least 2 women tell me "those are made for sex and that's it" and "is that baby off the tit yet?" These were educated, affluent women, not "peasants" or uneducated women of lower socioeconomic status. I've heard negative speech from women about choosing to have children as well as any other choices regarding child-rearing, and it's hurtful. I would NEVER share my opinions with anyone on the topic unless asked, and even then I would tread lightly and take care not to hurt feelings with my words. It's totally ok for everyone to have whatever opinion and make whatever choice is right for them, but it's not cool to make comments (on either side of the issue) that imply that another's choice is not the right one.

Perhaps the issue is that many people don't seem to have been raised with manners, or taught that "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Or maybe it's that many aren't very intelligent and can't think of anything to talk about other than a woman's uterine intentions.

Haha yes I completely agree. It seems (from reading this thread and others and from personal life experience) many people lack manners, civility and common sense. How awful that people thought it was OK to make those kind of comments to you.