negativity and its draining effect

[asscherisme]

Recently, after 12 years of marriage, I suddenly can't stand my husband's complaining negative ways. Now he has always had a tendency to be a perfectionist. But believe me, had he been whiner way back when there is no way I would have married that. Can you tell I'm having a had week?

I just can't stand his freaking wining anymore. Big things, little things, everything and nothing. I even asked him if he is depressed and thinks he wants to see someone. Our son is in therapy so there is no stigma in our family. I even went to therapy after my dad died a few years ago because I could not move past the grief on my own.

How do you deal with people who constantly I even suggested joint counseling because he is draining ME with his negativity.

Ironically I realize this thread is complaining about my husband.

 

[Skippy123]

I think people don't realize how much they complain sometimes, and how draining it really can be for others. I agree therapy could help.

I use to write down all the things that I was grateful for so I wouldn't be negative. It helped. I think it is easier to be negative than positive but my hubby would always say to me that we could be worse off and now I really believe that. Maybe you could remind him how lucky he is!

What does hubby think of therapy? I think it would do both of you good. Best wishes and hope it gets better.

 

[door knob solitaire]

"Ironically I realize this thread is complaining about my husband."

Funny last thought.

We had to do a serious discussion about this very thing. Both of us we guilty. It hurt when you heard the things you had to say to one another to get the point across. But it does help to do it yourselves. It worked for us.

We have a tendacy...(you are going to be shocked at this...) to find issues in other areas. Example...I can''t believe that Subway took so long to make my salad. And there were three employees in the back...but only one took care of the entire line...order- making -paying! I can''t believe they did that!

You know, I found that I was using that observation as a way to express my WORLDY wisdom. Not sure if that makes sense. But for some reason it was important to me to tell him I SAW THERE WAS AN INJUSTICE. Once I realized it didn''t matter...as in the end result I got my salad...I went on about my day...I am not injured...on a scale of 1-10 it really doesn''t rank importance level to unload on him.

So when he pointed out I was always negative...I realize he was right. Look, if I stub my toe and in misery I must get some comensoration...He is going to hear from me. But I learned it helps (one) to be aware of the negativity...{which I am now because of our discussion} and (2) rate it on a scale of 1-10.

Well, it is coming up roses since we have that game plan in motion. Hope that may help you! (if it does save the theraphy expense and have a night out to celebrate you communication skills!)

DKS

 

[KimberlyH]

Have you considered otherwise occupying your time as a couple/family? What about volunteering (Habitat for Humanity, a soup kitchen, a senior center, etc.)? Being around people who truly need help often opens peoples eyes to how good their own life is and it''s hard to complain when time is otherwise occupied. Therapy seems a bit counterproductive to me in this situation because either one or both of you would be sitting around complaining about his complaining. I''d be honest and tell him you think that it would be good for you as a couple/family to do nice things for others because you''re feeling like he (or both of you, if you want to soften the blow) have lost perpsective.

 

[diamondfan]

I think sometimes someone gets so used to communicating in a certain way that they really do not realize how it sounds to others or how it affects those around them. I have a couple of friends I call Psychic Vampires because they are so emotionally draining to be around. I also think that women are fixers, and so I know if my hubby gets negative, it is hard for e to listen without wanting to help. I have asked him to tell me if he is just venting to me or is there something I can do to help. A lot of men just like to get it out there, they are not asking for anything more than an ear. But for me, if I have to listen to a lot of it, I want to say, Here is what you can do about that, or There is not much you can do in the situation. I would absolutely suggest that you get counseling, you might tell him that you love him and want to always have open dialogues, but that you are finding it very stressful and difficult to hear all the negativity. I think it can really start to errode YOU as the listener over time, you think, Oh gosh, WHAT NOW? I know I get that way, when someone just seems to always see the negative or bad in anything. Good luck, I am sure he would rather be different too and maybe he is stuck there.

 

[Beacon]

Does your husband complain to everyone or just to you? Meaning, have you become the place he goes to rant and whine? That can happen. Everyone else will think the person is so nice and easy going and then........you know the truth!

If it is just you he is doing this to, then it needs to be pointed out and stopped; it''s abusive. On the other hand, if he does this to everyone then he really has some issues that need some therapy to find out why he is so unhappy all the time.

 

[lumpkin]

Negativity is something I am also becoming very aware of because I really think that your thoughts affect your actions, your spirit and your will. So I have noticed that one friend in particular I complain to more than other people. But I''ve noticed that asks me about stuff that I have complained about in the past ("Hey how that situation XYZ going?). And then I''ll go into talking about something negative and complaining about it. So now I try to remember to say something vague like, "Oh, you know," and then I shrug and change the subject. She''s not trying to get me to complain, she''s being a supportive friend, but I need to reel myself in instead of rehashing something unpleasant and complaining. Sometimes I backslide and I''ll complain before I realize I''m doing it, but I am more aware and so not doing it as much or for as long. I really think that if your hubby wants to stop being negative and he isn''t clinically depressed or something like that, he can at least improve significantly.

Skippy''s idea of writing down your blessings is a great one, too! I have read somewhere that if you want to be generally happier, think of 3 great things before you go to bed.

The other thing is, do you guys like funny movies or commedy? I just saw something on either Discovery Channel or Science Channel that belly laughing -- real hard long laughing -- releases endorphins and increases general happiness. They had a whole show on it.

Does he get any exercise? Maybe a walk after dinner each night would help raise his mood. I notice a big improvement when I get on the treadmill. When I don''t I notice more negativity.

 

[simplysplendid]

Hi,

Rather than suggesting that he stops being negative, how about finding and pointing out things to be positive about? I think that to be positive, we have to feel grateful for the things and blessings that we have. Look at the unfortunate, the sick, the poor, the honeless, the orphans etc. and we realise how lucky we are, and there are so many blessings given to us to be grateful for. When you start thinking that way, you will tend to feel contented and more positive. Good luck!

 

[door knob solitaire]

We recently ordered a hand tossed delivery pizza-had unexpected hungry guests. I was expressing how embarrassed I was that it was so terrible. The "chef" actually overworked the dough to a point that it was like cardboard. It really affected the taste as he killed the yeast and there was no lift. (I hadn''t had pizza in about a year-if memory served me right...pizza is good).

I mentioned it how sorry I was I chose this particular chain...my hubby agreed....another chimed in, etc. We all exchanged frustration...when all of a sudden one guest said...very snippy..."well, we should all be grateful we have food to eat!"

OK...then...Could have been in her delivery...but everyone was offended. We all got silent. And lost our conversation edge. No more banter. Yeah we are grateful...but now whatta we talk about? To top it all off, we all had been whipped. What ungrateful slugs we were.

DKS

 

[Allisonfaye]

My sister is like this. You can just hear it the second you get on the phone with her. The ''my life sucks sigh''. And because MY life doesn''t suck, I am NEVER allowed to complain to her about anything because HER life sucks more than anyone''s possibly could. Seriously.

I hope you can work this out with your husband. Have you pointed it out to him? I am guessing that you have since you mentioned therapy. I think the gratitude journal is a great idea to try first before shelling out beaucoup bucks on therapy.

 

[lumpkin]

Date: 7/16/2007 3:42:44 PM
Author: Allisonfaye
My sister is like this. You can just hear it the second you get on the phone with her. The ''my life sucks sigh''. And because MY life doesn''t suck, I am NEVER allowed to complain to her about anything because HER life sucks more than anyone''s possibly could. Seriously.

I hope you can work this out with your husband. Have you pointed it out to him? I am guessing that you have since you mentioned therapy. I think the gratitude journal is a great idea to try first before shelling out beaucoup bucks on therapy.

She''s the only one in the world that has ever had to suffer whatever she''s suffering.

I know the type. I have a SIL like that who I fortunately never see anymore! (See, I''m POSITIVE! Snort!)

Sorry, don''t have anything really productive to impart on this, but just had to commisserate, LOL!

 

[simplysplendid]

Date: 7/16/2007 12:31:40 PM
Author: door knob solitaire
We recently ordered a hand tossed delivery pizza-had unexpected hungry guests. I was expressing how embarrassed I was that it was so terrible. The ''chef'' actually overworked the dough to a point that it was like cardboard. It really affected the taste as he killed the yeast and there was no lift. (I hadn''t had pizza in about a year-if memory served me right...pizza is good).

I mentioned it how sorry I was I chose this particular chain...my hubby agreed....another chimed in, etc. We all exchanged frustration...when all of a sudden one guest said...very snippy...''well, we should all be grateful we have food to eat!''

OK...then...Could have been in her delivery...but everyone was offended. We all got silent. And lost our conversation edge. No more banter. Yeah we are grateful...but now whatta we talk about? To top it all off, we all had been whipped. What ungrateful slugs we were.

DKS

To complain occasionally when things go wrong is perfectly normal, especially in your situation when you were playing host and the food did not turn out as well as you would like. Perhaps that guest should not have commented about being grateful. But to complain about everything (quote: "big things, little things, nothing") and see that nothing is ever good enough in your life is when there is a need to learn how to be grateful with what you have and count your blessings.

 

[door knob solitaire]

Thanks simply splendid. I appreciate your validation.

I posted that after the kind thought idea that we should turn negatives into positives...and bounce around in daisy filled fields under sunshine and blue skys. Sometimes when one tries to force others into a sunny disposition...it back fires on you...such as the example with the pizza. Argghhh! Little Mary sunshine is at it again!!

Some times the opposite reaction will nulify a negative...while others asperate them.

If course that is my opinion.

Amy, have you thought about tar and feathers? Kidding. You know the game people play trying to get foul language from being the normal instead of the exception. They are fined a quarter or a dollar and there is a large bank. End of week who ever put in the least gets the bounty? Maybe there is some merit in something like that to try. Maybe it isn''t money, but the choice of movie, Saturday night dinner...or shopping trip. Incentive is always a great motivator!

DKS

 

[FireGoddess]

I can't STAND negativity.

LOL. I've been dying to post that. No but seriously, I am of the mind that everyone is negative from time to time and that is totally okay...we all have our friends that we sit and just go on a rampant b!!!ch about things to, and that's what friends do...they listen and commiserate and let you air your grievances about x, y, and z to just get it off your chest so you can move on and forget about it.

The problem comes in when there are those that never seem to have a kind word or appreciative nod or anything. It's like being with them sucks the joy out of the room. That's when it's a problem. Those people/friends/etc are really HARD to be around because they are just so H E A V Y all the time it's exhausting!

I have been trying to be better about this sort of thing, particularly after seeing all the hype about *The Secret* (that's a whole other convo) and that what you put out into the universe is what comes you attract back to you. I have issues with some of that but I do think that they've got a point with respect to some of it. Couldn't hurt not to complain as much. Sorta.

ETA: Regarding the OP, is it possible to have him start keeping a journal? Perhaps he could air some of his grievances there so that he is getting these thoughts out, but not beating you on the back with them? Along the lines of when you're really POed at someone and instead of just hauling off on them you write them a 'note' with all the stuff you're angry about, and then later burn it or rip it up? So you've gotten it 'out' but not done damage with it.

 

[simplysplendid]

Date: 7/17/2007 2:44:46 PM
Author: door knob solitaire
Thanks simply splendid. I appreciate your validation.

I posted that after the kind thought idea that we should turn negatives into positives...and bounce around in daisy filled fields under sunshine and blue skys. Sometimes when one tries to force others into a sunny disposition...it back fires on you...such as the example with the pizza. Argghhh! Little Mary sunshine is at it again!!

Some times the opposite reaction will nulify a negative...while others asperate them.

If course that is my opinion.

Amy, have you thought about tar and feathers? Kidding. You know the game people play trying to get foul language from being the normal instead of the exception. They are fined a quarter or a dollar and there is a large bank. End of week who ever put in the least gets the bounty? Maybe there is some merit in something like that to try. Maybe it isn''t money, but the choice of movie, Saturday night dinner...or shopping trip. Incentive is always a great motivator!

DKS

Hi DKS, no offence. Perhaps I should clarify that when I said to learn to be grateful, I don''t mean it as having the idea forced onto you. It serves no purpose except to annoy in circumstances when all one wants to do is to bitch and move on. I meant it as something to remind ourselves of when things don''t go our way that things can be a lot worse so that we can move on. I agree with Firegoddess, it is just too draining to be with someone who complains incessantly.. too toxic.

 

[door knob solitaire]

Simply Splendid...Oh dear you read my post wrong.

I was APPRECIATIVE really....that you singled out my post to comment. Some times words are read with a totally different emotion than they are written...that is what happened here. Really...I think the only way to express words or tones of a post is to fill it with

if you mean those things. Oh I wish I had! I am spreading the love to you...positive sweet appreciative love....

.

Whew that was close.

What I meant was when someone...again I am using Me for example is in the middle of a funk hole of negativity...in complaining mode...hitting me with "You should be grateful you have food as there are so many children in the world that are only feed once a week..." is sort of draining. It is taking a negative and plunging you even deeper.

My attempt was to point out even though it is a fine upstanding and correct thing to point out alll you blessings to counter your negative expressions...doing so can make your negative state ALMOST to a

depression state. Why do I want to eat this last piece of pizza when so many will not even have a bite?

Oh yeah...pointing that out is going to make me feel much better!

And make my negativity positive? No. I am going to cry more than I was about the bad pizza. Which is what all my guests did after the comment was made.

Splendid...please write back and confirm you understand I wasn''t knocking your input...please. I feel terrible.

love to you...DKS

Sorry Amy...I seem to be turning your positive thread into me and my pizza thing

Darn pizza!

 

[simplysplendid]

Date: 7/18/2007 11:21:52 AM
Author: door knob solitaire
Simply Splendid...Oh dear you read my post wrong.

I was APPRECIATIVE really....that you singled out my post to comment. Some times words are read with a totally different emotion than they are written...that is what happened here. Really...I think the only way to express words or tones of a post is to fill it with

if you mean those things. Oh I wish I had! I am spreading the love to you...positive sweet appreciative love....

.

Whew that was close.

What I meant was when someone...again I am using Me for example is in the middle of a funk hole of negativity...in complaining mode...hitting me with ''You should be grateful you have food as there are so many children in the world that are only feed once a week...'' is sort of draining. It is taking a negative and plunging you even deeper.

My attempt was to point out even though it is a fine upstanding and correct thing to point out alll you blessings to counter your negative expressions...doing so can make your negative state ALMOST to a

depression state. Why do I want to eat this last piece of pizza when so many will not even have a bite?

Oh yeah...pointing that out is going to make me feel much better!

And make my negativity positive? No. I am going to cry more than I was about the bad pizza. Which is what all my guests did after the comment was made.

Splendid...please write back and confirm you understand I wasn''t knocking your input...please. I feel terrible.

love to you...DKS

Sorry Amy...I seem to be turning your positive thread into me and my pizza thing

Darn pizza!

Hi DKS, I am sorry I mis-read your post.. guess it is easy to misinterpret sometimes when all we see is words without hearing the tone.. Yes, I am with you totally, when sometimes all we want is to just bitch about something with our friends to get it off our chest and then someone comes along and tell us that what we feel is invalid, that pisses me of at times too..

 

[door knob solitaire]

glad we''re cool!

DKS