Need your advice...ex issues!

[hisdiamondgirl]

Hi ladies (and gents),

I really need some help on how to deal with this situation. I know that a lot of your responses are going to suggest that I talk to my BF about my feelings and, of course, that is something that I am seriously considering (and that I know I should probably do), the situation is just too new and I haven''t made up my mind how to deal with it yet.

Long story short, my BF''s CRAZY ex-FI has done a little resurfacing in our lives. I''m not of a mind to give too many details (you may find some of them in some of my old posts), but basically, this woman is really crazy, stalked me and BF in the past (to the point where I felt unsafe and had to get the police involved). This was at least 3 1/2 years ago and the last time we had any contact, albeit virtual (nasty Myspace messages from her, etc...) was going on 2 years ago. After all the craziness, the ex moved to another state so I felt pretty safe that there would be no run-ins, coincidental or premeditated (by her).

My BF has started his own business and uses Facebook to get the word out among his many, many acquaintances. Well yesterday, she left a message on his business page basically congratulating him and saying that she was glad to see his hard work paid off. My BF promptly deleted the message and neither one of us has mentioned it thus far (he basically doesn''t even know that I got to see it before he deleted it). Needless to say, many old feelings have resurfaced (I mean, this woman put me through hell, while I was studying for the BAR exam nonetheless). I cannot stand that she has reached out to him and I know that she does not have good intentions. I''m angry that I''m upset by it, because I know that is why she did it, to upset me, because she knew I would see it, and I feel like I am letting her get to me. Now, to make matters worse, it looks like she has moved back to our city. I am scared that he or I will run into her. I am scared that if he runs into her, he might talk to her (just because he is a nice person) and all I would really want is for him to act as if she doesn''t even exist. She does not deserve for him to address not one word to her, not even hello. My workplace is also pretty public, since if you do a simple google search of my name, my law firm''s website comes up, with my bio and work address, etc... I am scared that she might show up here (she''s done crazier things before). I really felt that she was out of our lives this time...but it seems that not. I want us to deal with whatever feelings her resurfacing might bring up together, but I don''t really want to bring it up with him and he is not the type to share his feelings about her with me, if anything, not to bring back some hurtful memories for the two of us.

The period of my life that involved her was a very dark place for me and I feel like I am back there again.

 

[ladypirate]

No good advice here, but I wanted to offer some *hugs*.

I''m sorry she has resurfaced. She sounds insane.

 

[Porridge]

I suppose you have to just talk to him about your concerns! If he deleted that post so quickly, he probably shares them. Sorry I''m not much help. {HUGS}

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Yeah, I can''t offer any solid advice on this one either. I just hope, for your sake, that it doesn''t turn into drama again. If she does show up at your workplace & hassels you, I would ask her once to leave, and if she refuses, you can have her escourted out.

As far as the boyfriend goes, you''re right. Talk to him. Let him know again how much pain it causes you to deal with her, and express your fear that it might become a problem again. Bringing it up might be difficult, but you can''t let it eat away at you.

I''m so sorry you''re having to deal with this.

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

why would the bf feel the need to talk to her, regardless of how nice a person he is, if you''ve gotten the police involved over her behavior? I feel like once that happens there shouldnt even be a doubt in his mind not to talk to this woman. You cant act courteous running into someone who''s been reported to the police when youre the one thats reported them! I''m sorry, I cannot understand why he would do anything but turn around and walk the other way if he felt the same way you do about this woman.

 

[Definitely. Maybe]

No advice, I''m truely sorry, but I hope for your sake she stays far away. :/ Don''t know much about the history of it (haven''t read other posts) but it sounds pretty scary and just down right awful. Hopefully once you talk to your BF it will alleviate some of the stress this is causing you. Maybe you should talk about what would happen *if* she does try to contact either one of you again, then you might not be as worried and you would know what course of action you and BF have agreed upon.

 

[AllieGator]

I''m sorry this is happening to you...she sounds insane. If she bothers you, don''t hesitate to call the police. Youve done that before, I see, and I think it would be a good idea since they already know about her. That way maybe they can do something to keep her away. I hope that everything turns out fine before that, though, and you don''t have to see her nasty face.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I thought people can''t post in forums on facebook unless they are invited? Maybe your bf should take his work profile off public setting and only invite work colleages to enter.

 

[CellarDoor]

Yeah... how is she posting on his Facebook at all? Shouldn''t his profile be private, and she shouldn''t be able to comment unless she is his "friend"? If she has really stalked him in the past, why is she still his friend?

 

[bee*]

What a horrible situation. I would definitely call the cops again if she gets anywhere near you. I agree with some others though, nice person or not, your bf should not talk to her. You guys had to get the police involved!

 

[MissDimity]

Same situation happened to me and my fiance. His ex was stalking us and adding all our friends on Facebook, even though she does not have contact with any of them.
My fiance and myself both blocked her from seeing us on Facebook ( you go to the privacy page to block a person), this means that she should be unable to view your profile in a search, or see you listed as a friend in any of your mutal friends list.
It worked well. Haven't heard from her since.

 

[Winks_Elf]

What you are feeling is completely natural given the hell she put both of you through. The black and white is that until she calls or shows up in person, there is nothing you can do. While it would be nice to pretend she doesn''t exist, she does. The message she left on his page was inert enough, but I would agree that it does put her back on the radar, and would take it as her way of putting the two of you on notice that she is still alive and interested in what is going on in his life. That''s scary.

Wait and see what she does, if anything. He really shouldn''t have deleted the message as that may incite more trouble from her. I hope one of you have documented it (via saving the webpage in a file or printing it out). This way, if the trouble does start again, there is a trail of contact.

I''m sorry you are having to deal with her again. Hang in there, take a deep breath, and keep telling yourself that she is his past, you are his future. Talk to your girlfriends, talk to us, and do not bring this up to him unless you are losing sleep over it. (((BIG HUG)))

 

[fieryred33143]

For starters, when two adults have issues that also revolve around the words Myspace and Facebook, then its time to take a step back. Relationships get ruined all the time by these ridiculous sites because people turn into teens…no, pre-teens…as soon as they open up a profile page. My suggestion: delete the pages.

Second, as for her message on his business page, I don’t see anything wrong with it. Of course we all know that her message was strictly a way to get back in communication with him and your boyfriend did the right thing by deleting it. He also, IMO, did the right thing by not mentioning it because honestly what would that accomplish? You should not be going through his account for starters. And he already knows how much she upset you in the past, why put you through that again over a “congrats” message.

Third, and I probably should have read this part first, its his fault. He wants to be “nice” to a girl that is making your life hell. He needs to grow a pair to be frank. When he “bumps” into her, he needs to walk away not engage in conversation. He needs to block her from facebook and myspace so that her messages don’t get through. Period.

As long as there is a venue for her to communicate to your boyfriend, she will. There is nothing that you can do to stop it. But your FF can put an end to it or at least make it clear he isn’t interested. Obviously this chick is still in love with him and until he puts her in her place and tells her to leave you guys alone, she will *always* feel that there is a chance.

 

[hisdiamondgirl]

Thanks for all your replies ladies.

ladypirate and porridge -- thanks for the hugs, I really need them right now. What I went through with her was pretty tough, and this all brought back some really bad memories that I was just hoping to leave far far behind!

Amanda.RX and Definitely, Maybe -- I really am hoping and praying that she goes away and that it doesn''t turn into drama again. I keep thinking that maybe I''ll just get over it, if I just wait sometime before talking to my BF about it. We''re happy...this upsets us and makes us sad...maybe it''s sticking my head in the sand, but I just really really want it to just go away!

Sailors -- I''m not saying my BF would for a fact, speak to her. I''m just saying that I am scared that he might chat with her briefly if she ran into him and approached him. I don''t know for a fact that he would do this, but like I said, he is a nice person, and after all, they were engaged, so at one point he did love her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, until she became a psycho b*tch and he broke off the engagement. He is a gentleman, and even after all that she put us through, he does not speak badly of her, and I appreciate that. But, the thought of him addressing a single word to her makes me want to throw up!

AllieGator and bee* -- I agree and will not hesitate to call the police again if I even see her near me, I just hope and pray that it doesn''t come to that!

CellarDoor and Ilovethiswebsite -- She is most definitely NOT his friend on FB. It is not his personal page on which she posted. It was his business page, which I believe anyone can access and become a fan of. His personal page is definitely private, but making his business page private (if that is even possible) would defeat the whole purpose of it, which is to publicize his business.

MissDimity -- both our personal profiles are private and I have her blocked from even finding me at all if she searches. I thought that was enough. I didn''t even think of his business page and that she may be able to find us through that. Unfortunately, deleting his business page is not really an option, since it has proven to be a good business tool, through which he has gotten many referrals and made a considerable amount of money. Hopefully, you can block people from business pages, and hopefully he did.

Winks Elf -- that''s exactly how I took the message, as in "Hey, I''m back, still alive and interested in your life, and by the way, I''m back in Brooklyn too..." Ugh...I can''t stand it. I did not save proof of her post and I''m pretty sure neither did my BF, I just hope that it won''t get to the point where I need it.

I''m trying to not lose sleep over it, but like I said, it just brings back really really bad memories.

Thanks again ladies. I really appreciate the support.

 

[hisdiamondgirl]

Date: 1/22/2009 9:58:17 AM
Author: fieryred33143

For starters, when two adults have issues that also revolve around the words Myspace and Facebook, then its time to take a step back. Relationships get ruined all the time by these ridiculous sites because people turn into teens…no, pre-teens…as soon as they open up a profile page. My suggestion: delete the pages.

Second, as for her message on his business page, I don’t see anything wrong with it. Of course we all know that her message was strictly a way to get back in communication with him and your boyfriend did the right thing by deleting it. He also, IMO, did the right thing by not mentioning it because honestly what would that accomplish? You should not be going through his account for starters. And he already knows how much she upset you in the past, why put you through that again over a “congrats” message.

Third, and I probably should have read this part first, its his fault. He wants to be “nice” to a girl that is making your life hell. He needs to grow a pair to be frank. When he “bumps” into her, he needs to walk away not engage in conversation. He needs to block her from facebook and myspace so that her messages don’t get through. Period.

As long as there is a venue for her to communicate to your boyfriend, she will. There is nothing that you can do to stop it. But your FF can put an end to it or at least make it clear he isn’t interested. Obviously this chick is still in love with him and until he puts her in her place and tells her to leave you guys alone, she will *always* feel that there is a chance.

Fiery, I had to respond to your post directly because to tell you the truth, you are one of my favorite posters on here (even though I don't post that much, I am on here everyday) and I am really bothered (and somewhat offended) by some of the assumptions that you make in your post.

First, I know how you feel about FB and the drama it can create but I think that while some adults may turn into pre-teens when opening a profile page, it is unfair to assume that everyone is that immature. I don't think I need to defend myself, my BF or our use of FB but I will. I have used FB to get in touch with long lost friends I'd been trying to find for years and may never have been able to find through other means. My "FB friends" are only people who I consider to be my friends in real life. My BF has a personal page, which is private, and also a business "fan page" which he uses strictly as a business tool. As I said earlier, he has gotten many good referrals this way and it would not be smart business-wise to delete the page...it works! If you were talking about the ex turning into a pre-teen when opening the page, trust me, she doesn't need FB to be immature and psycho.

Second, I probably did not convey very well the hell that this woman put us through, because if I had you would definitely not think that there is nothing wrong with the message that she left. If she had changed and really felt happy for him, SHE WOULD LEAVE US ALONE, just disappear, out of our lives! She cannot possibly imagine that he or I would be happy to hear from her after what she put us through. The right thing to do if she really were regretful, would be to leave us alone forever! I do agree that he did the right thing by deleting it and not mentioning it since all it would do is make me upset. I'm not upset that he did that, I'm upset that she has resurfaced. You said that I shouldn't be going through his account for starters: I don't know where you got the impression that I was "going through" his account (I don't think anyone else did) but I was not going through anything private of his and would never do that. She POSTED a message on his business page (it was not a private message). I am an integral part of his business and I don't think you are suggesting that I shouldn't be looking at his public page, you must have misunderstood!

Third, like I already explained, he has not talked to her or anything as far as I know and I am just afraid that if he ran into her he would be too nice to just ignore her and walk away, not that he is in any way inviting communication from her or that he "wants" to be nice to her. I don't know that, and like some people suggested, the best thing to do is probably discuss a mutual plan of action with him, in case we do run into her. Also, she is blocked from FB (and I don't even use myspace anymore) and it is just this business page that she is accessing (and I don't know if there is a way of blocking people from that, but if there is I'm sure my BF already did).

Thanks for taking the time to respond and I hope that I cleared some things up!

 

[fieryred33143]

Hisdiamond-Sorry if my post upset you. I hope you know that wasn’t my intention.

You are right about the facebook comment, that is an assumption and I apologize for making that comment.

As far as the comment on his facebook from her (or I guess the message), I didn’t see anything wrong with the words but I do recognize that she left it with other intentions. What I was trying to say is that he did the right thing by deleting it. I am not too familiar with facebook but I know that for example on Myspace you can’t leave a comment (I guess facebook calls it the wall) unless you are that person’s friend and I assumed he wouldn’t add her to his friend list. So when I read that, I thought it was a message in his inbox and that you were reading his inbox. Sorry. Like I said, I’m not too familiar with facebook.

I still think that he needs to be the one to put her in her place though. FI’s friend is going through something similar with a crazy stalker ex-gf who not only harasses his gf but also his family. Just yesterday she sent me a message asking how I’m doing and mentioned that she bumped into him, he said hello, and she now is convinced that this hello is an invitation to continue being part of his life and someday they will get back together. It’s been 2 years since the breakup. So for me, the only way she will stop what she is doing is to have him confront her directly and tell her to leave him and especially you alone. If not then she will continue to think there is hope for the two of them. Most crazy stalker ex-gfs will use any reason to believe there is still hope.

Again, sorry if I upset you!

 

[hisdiamondgirl]

Date: 1/22/2009 1:39:49 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Hisdiamond-Sorry if my post upset you. I hope you know that wasn’t my intention.

You are right about the facebook comment, that is an assumption and I apologize for making that comment.

As far as the comment on his facebook from her (or I guess the message), I didn’t see anything wrong with the words but I do recognize that she left it with other intentions. What I was trying to say is that he did the right thing by deleting it. I am not too familiar with facebook but I know that for example on Myspace you can’t leave a comment (I guess facebook calls it the wall) unless you are that person’s friend and I assumed he wouldn’t add her to his friend list. So when I read that, I thought it was a message in his inbox and that you were reading his inbox. Sorry. Like I said, I’m not too familiar with facebook.

I still think that he needs to be the one to put her in her place though. FI’s friend is going through something similar with a crazy stalker ex-gf who not only harasses his gf but also his family. Just yesterday she sent me a message asking how I’m doing and mentioned that she bumped into him, he said hello, and she now is convinced that this hello is an invitation to continue being part of his life and someday they will get back together. It’s been 2 years since the breakup. So for me, the only way she will stop what she is doing is to have him confront her directly and tell her to leave him and especially you alone. If not then she will continue to think there is hope for the two of them. Most crazy stalker ex-gfs will use any reason to believe there is still hope.

Again, sorry if I upset you!

Hi fiery, definitely no hard feelings, I know you had no ill intentions and that is why I wrote more to clarify any misunderstanding. That''s crazy about your FI''s friend...see, that''s what I mean, I''m scared that if he bumps into her and he says something to her, even just a simple hi, she will be happy about it (and incidentally think "Hmmm, maybe he still wants me in his life, even though I am a crazy beyotch..."). I don''t want him to give her the satisfaction of even saying one word to her, even if it is just out of common courtesy! I guess for now, her message was "innocent" enough and there is not much I can do about it except hope and pray that she leaves it at that and just goes away!!!! It''s just that I know her and even though years and years have passed, I don''t think she''s changed, and wouldn''t be surprised if she somehow found out where we''re going to be someday, and "ran into" us! Ugggghhhhhhh