Need to get some perspective

[allycat0303]

As many of you know, my father has been very ill the past week, and it''s been very hard on our family. Some of the things I learnt this week were really surprising, like th fact that my parents really, really love each other. Of course you always suspect things like that, or know in your heart but seeing it out right is really different from "knowing"

It has called into question everything about my relationship.

I''ve been engaged for over 1 year know. I''m 26 years old (turning 27 in March), finally on the way to fulfilling my life dream. My boyfriend and I own a beautiful home together, and his career is on overdrive. We''ve been together for 10 years, and he really wanted to get married this year, but I said 2008 because I don''t feel ready.

....and I realize that I have NO INTENTION of going through with it....Have a visited a venue? No, I sat in the car and he chose. Did we book it? NO WAY. DO we have a date? Nope. Does anyone even know we''re engaged? No. Because I know that at this point, I would never go through with it.

I''m so sad, and confused, and I can''t seem to get any advice. My sister knows everything about me, and she can''t even give me any advice. I just can''t wrap my head around what the "REAL" issue is. I think I''m just looking for someone to TELL me what to do.

So to start:

1) I''ve been with my boyfriend since I was 16, and in the beginning I was CRAZY about him. I was a normal girl, I dreamed of marying him, and I felt like I knew, with a certinty that I''ve never felt about anything else since then. I wanted children, a husband, a life together.

When we I was 20 years old, my boyfriend left me and started dating another girl. It was within a week of ending at that time, our 4 year relationship. And it was a girl that he picked up from a bar. We got back togther after that but everything BEFORE that, and AFTER that is different for me. I still love my boyfriend (but it''s not the same kind of love, or with the same intensity) and I''ve never felt the same...which in many ways I think is healthy because I was too devoted, too attached to him, too everything. There were things that he did to me during and following the breakup that were very hurtful, and unnecessarily hurtful to me, considering I had never done anything bad to him.

But the most important part, is that somewhere in that mess, I stopped believing in guys in general, in marriage, and to a certain part in love. I believe that my boyfriend loves me, but I always remember that he can change his mind very easily, without me even knowing what''s up. I think that''s a part of my personality now, that I KNOW there is no guy out there that is going to make want to run to the alter. It''s never going to happen.

But I torture myself with it daily, "why don''t I want to get married?" "why don''t I want to have children?" Because it''s two things that I really, really want to want.

2) Since that time 6 years ago, he is generally a very good boyfriend. I can''t say that he''s a bad person. I''m very lucky in many ways.

3) But I cry a lot. I startd keeping track in my journal and I notice that I cry too much. Maybe once every 3 weeks. I don''t know if I''m too sensitive or that I make a big deal out of everything. So I don''t know if it''s me, or if it''s him. For example he plays hockey on wednesdays, and before he started playing, we talked about how it was going to be, set some ground rules (we''ve had some major issues about this in the past). So he starts to play. And then...he just ignores everything that he promised he would do. So I talk to him about it, for example, I can''t sleep when he''s not home. I asked him to be home at 11:30. He promised he would be, swore up and down and he comes home yesturday at 12:30. I have an exam on friday (which I''m exhausted) my Dad is in the hospital and he didn''t even bother to CALL me. So for about half an hour while I was waiting, I was also TERRIFIED that he''d gotten into a car accident and the police were going to show up at my house. AND he''s mad at me because he says I''m too hard on him. But this is consistently a problem with him. And it really hurts me. Whenever he''s with his friends, it''s like he forgets that I exist, loses track of time (I''m sure those that have been on the board for long, remember how more then a few incidents when this has come up) It''s this kind of casual disregard for my life, my feelings when it comes to this issue. But he''s not like this on anything else. He''ll consult me with every major (and minor life decision) and will do everything to make me happy. Except for this.

And obviously, this is an example. There''s just this casual selfishness sometimes, that really hurt me.

So his word doesn''t mean much to me. Which makes me wonder why we would have to have a wedding a vow to each other that we''ll love each other forever when a) he breaks his word all the time b) it''s not like I believe because he says it in a church means he''s going to do it.

4) But then there''s also this feeling. Like maybe he has "too much of a life?" to be compatibe with me. A lot of times, we''ll go 3-4 weeks only sleeping beside each other and never talking, etc., and he NEVER notices. It''s never him that says to me "I miss spending time with you" And I need to hear that, and feel that I matter to him. Or he''ll say he misses me, but the first day he has off, he''s with booking a hockey game with his friends. So I know he can''t REALLY be missing me THAT much.

....It''s honestly a book. I don''t know what to do anymore. I''ve been through everything, crying, talking, screaming. It''s not as though it''s not clear to him. I''m very straight foreward kind of girl. And he''ll always promise that it will be different and it NEVER is. Because it won''t be, because it''s a compromise he''s not willing to make. He''ll put me before everything else, his family, his career, even most of the things he wants to do....but then out of nowhere, comes things that are so incredibly selfish, I''m stunned.

He''ll drive 4 hours a day (everyday for 2 weeks) to come home to me every night instead of going on a business trip (fully paid for by his company), I didn''t ask him to. I told him to stay there because I was scared he would get into a car accident etc., but he insisted.

But he won''t come home 1 hour early so I can sleep because I''m stressed and exhusted and worried. Moreover, it''s something that he promised to do? How does that make sense? But at the same time, even if I don''t spend 1/2 a week actually talking to him for 3 weeks, he won''t notice? How does this make any sense. These 2 events happened within the space of a little over 1 MONTH.

So what is it really? That I just don''t want to get married? That I''m a demanding and spoiled? Or that I just don''t want to marry him because I know he won''t make me happy? But should I even be with him if I don''t want to get married? Honestly, I feel like the time for talking is done. I''m all talked out. It''s like he''s 2 different people. When we''re happy, I can''t imagine being happier, but then there''s so many down points. I just don''t think I can live with being totally crazy happy for 3 weeks, and then crying my eyes out for a few nights, and then go back to being happy. It''s been like this our whole relationship, I''ve got very little hope of getting through to him.

I just don''t know what to do. It''s 10 years. It seems like a shame to throw it away. But I''m so misreably unhappy so often. I just don''t know what to do, what to try. I want to save this relationship, but I don''t see where to go.

 

[Lorelei]

Ally - I hope you don't mind me mentioning this, but something in your post jumped out at me. You say you keep a journal and every three weeks you are crying and upset? Do you think some of these feelings could be due to pms? I know I have a hard time every three weeks, it might be worth considering, possibly it is making things worse for you. I am not saying pms is the problem as such, just that it might be making things worse if you are getting upset every 3 weeks. If it is part of the problem, then maybe see what can be done to help and then see how you feel, as to whether you want to stick with the relationship or not. I am sorry things are so rough for you at the moment - hugs to you

 

[janinegirly]

hi, to be honest, i didn''t read your post too closely, so my advice is going to be general. You are clearly miserable, struggling with all this, and at the minimum know you have no intention of marrying your bf at this point. This all speaks volumes, forget all the details of what he did one day or not.
And you met him when you were 16! 10 yrs is a long time, but it''s v. diferent when it started at 16..my goodness, you''re a completely different person today then you were then..even from 5 years ago! I don''t doubt you love him, but it may''ve become more co-dependency.
I think you really need space and time to discover yourself and your potential. I know it''s painful, but an engagement is not meant to be perpetual while you see if you grow to want to marry him. I think you should end the engagement and tell him some of what you''ve shared here. I''m sure he senses it anyway..you stayed inside while he went to the venue?
Then take some time for YOURSELF, find an apt, join some clubs, hang out with girlfriends. After gaining some independence, inner strength and perspective it''s possible you''ll realize he is the one. But probably you see something more and feel alive. You owe it to yourself and your bf to at least know. Good luck.

 

[Larissa]

No one here can tell you what to do (insert sad smile here).

I will say that I was and still am unsure about marriage. I have 2 visas, moved to another country, have been married for 6 months, and I still don''t know. I think that too much pressure is put on a couple (or part of a couple) to decide.

I started crying every week from the time that we got engaged (we got married because of a government''s requirement to be together, just a bit of pressure there, if we decided not to get married our relationship essentially dissolved as we''d both been through immigration too many times and were already being heavily questioned) until well, the last visa was issued. Marriage freaks me out. I did pre-martial counseling by myself (we lived in different countries until I entered on a visa) in order to work through some of these issues.

Maybe counselling would help you figure out where you want to be and how you want to get there?

 

[cRaSh]

There is no one that can tell you what is right or wrong. It''s a personal decision, and those are TOUGH! Just remember, people don''t change. A marriage does not "fix" problems in relationships. It can even possibly make things worse sometimes. Because resentment builds from having better expectations.

I feel for you! I really do. I was in a similar situation. I wanted someone to tell me what to do, and that''s not possible. I needed justification. And you DON''T need that. Your decisions, are yours, it''s your life. I''ve dealt with a lot of grief from people because I don''t want kids. I struggled for a while with it. Society teaches us that to be fulfilled we have to be married with kids, house, dog, car... blah blah blah. And that''s just not the case. I''m not going to have a kid because other people think I should. They don''t have to live my life. I''m VERY happy with my life with NO KIDS. There are people that are single, and perfectly happy. They have no intentions of getting married, and that''s perfectly normal and ok. To each his own.

Take life one day at a time. You get but one, live it the way YOU want. Don''t worry about what people think, or what you SHOULD want. If you don''t want to be married, then DON''T. Especially if you are not 100% sure, and knowing that you are unhappy and miserable. I''m here to tell you, it will end up ultimately in divorce. If the subject comes up, talk openly and honestly about it. Tell him why you have reservations about it. Maybe you''ll change your mind in the future? Maybe not? That''s all things that you two will have to weight out and decide the best course. If you want to continue not knowing what the future holds for the two of you. Maybe you feel you would like to move on?

My ex used to tell me that my unhappiness was ME. I was depressed, hormones were out of whack. But you know, since we have been divorced, I have been the happiest person in the world. I have not spent the first night being angry, sad or depressed. It''s not always "us" or female hormones. It CAN be our relationships and circumstances. It''s ok to feel sadness and feel neglected, it''s normal. What you are going though is normal. Remember that!! But if it continues, you may want to talk to a doctor or counselor to see if they can help you get back on track.

I know what you are feeling right now. It''s tough. You feel you have to make a decision and can''t. You remind me of me, as corney as that sounds. I have said similar things.

I really hope things work out of you!!!!

 

[Erin]

Ally sweetheart you''ve been on a rollercoaster with your relationship since I''ve ''known'' you. So many highs and lows.

Please be certain - I''m not flaming you - but what excited you / what were you expecting / why did you look forward to being engaged? I think maybe that will help me give you a better answer overall.

 

[allycat0303]

Hey everyone,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It's helpful.

Lorlei: Could it be PMS? I don't know. I get stressed near exam time, which is every three weeks....but I don't think it's ever ok to show up an hour late under the circumstances of late and not even call. And be really mean about it. Maybe I'm exhausted so I cry, sometimes I'll yell. But I jknow that even in my brightest, happiest moments, I would never feel good about the bad things he does. I read over in the journal once the storm has passed and the only thing I think about is "my gosh why do I put up with this"

janinegirly: I am a different person, there is no doubt about that. But the fundamentals that have made me unhappy, are still making me unhappy. I don't even consider myself engaged. Certinly I know that nothing on this earth could compell me to walk down the aisle at this point.

Larissa: I suppose it is wishful thinking to believe someone could tell me something, and it will clear everything up.

Crash: It's good to know that someone else has been then and survived. I just wish someone would tell me. I ask my sister to, and she says I can't . And my friends say "...but we really like your boyfriend"

Sunset: Hey sweetie. I got engaged right after I was accepted into med school, which was a life dream. I had spent a hideous year alone at home, while all my siblings were in medical school, which had always been my dream. So it was hard. Through it all, he took care of me pulling me through a terrible time. Before I got into med school, so much of my life was focused on wanting it, and being unhappy about not being in school, that my boyfriend would say "you're not unhappy with me, you're unhappy because you aren't in med school" and it was so hard to seperate what was making me unhappy. When I finally started, maybe it was the euphoria of being accepted that I felt at that time, our relationship was great. And we went through a great period. But I'm starting my second year, the euphoria is gone, and I'm beginning to realize that I'm still unhappy.

But honestly, the engagement is nothing. No big deal. I haven't considered myself engaged in a long time. Now I'm trying to decide if the relationship should end.

My boyfriend knows all of it. He knows I don't want to get married for whatever reasons (he's not happy but willing to accept) he sees me crying (he feels bad but next week it will be the same story even if he promises to change). He knows what the issues are (and he says he'll try, but he'll forget next week).

But he's happy as a clam. He has no issues in the relationship. He is happy. He knows I am unhappy, but he is very happy. He says he doesn't want to lose me because I make him happy. And sometimes I wonder, if he's the only person in this relationship that matters. And part of me wonders if every year I become even more career obsessed because I can't stand the lonliness and I'm trying to outwork him while he's out playing.

Oh yeah. And he's totally against conselling because...well did I mention? Because he's happy.

 

[Lorelei]

Ally - of course it isn't ok for him to treat you that way, I was just wondering if as you said every 3 weeks things feel worse if maybe it was pms that was making you feel tearful...Of course if you have exams 3 weekly too it could be the stress of those too. I don't know what to tell you really, if he says he is so happy then maybe it is going to be very difficult to get through to him, but the only advice I can give you is to tell you to think about what is right for YOU. I would be concerned that he won't consider your unhappiness by going to counselling or tackling this in any other way - your feelings are valid and he needs to consider them. Maybe getting your thoughts on paper might help you to sort out how you are truly feeling and make the right decision clearer to you.

 

[janinegirly]

well of course we are only hearing your side, but if he is happy and content and KNOWS you are not, that is a huge problem. he should be unhappy because you are, and therefore want to resolve it. of course he is a guy, and they love to hide from difficult issues.
i don''t know all your history (pretty new to this board), but it''s so clear you are extremely unhappy and maybe even depressed. you need some space to get a clear perspective.
friends, your sister, anonymous boards can only help so much. take some time away..even a long wkend at a spa. you have control over your life, you just need to remove yourself from the situation, both physically and mentally, so you can have some clarity.

 

[caligal]

Oh honey, honey, honey! I so wish I could pick up the phone and call you!!

O.k.- I''ll work through what I am hearing one at a time:

Your age: You both started dating when you were a teenager (by the way is he also 26?)- that was 10 YEARS ago! SO much changes in your 20''s my dear.... Is he the only man you''ve been with? Have you lived on your own?

Your communication: Do you two just talk about what you want in life? Does he support your dreams and goals? Don''t accept less than that honey. Honestly, I am telling you- I waited out several relationships until now, I''m 30, I''ve found the most amazing man. He puts me first, in every single way- and frankly YOU deserve that girlfriend! Do you get excited to see him? Does he know your innermost thoughts? This is what I wish for you hon. It really concerns me that you go for weeks without talking or being physical.... that is not normal. He''s ignoring the problems I think.

Engagement: There is nothing wrong with you not wanting to get married- but I do wonder since you do wish to be married eventually if this means he is the one for you. This is a lifetime commitment- I hope you take the time to think long and hard about what you want. Have you ever made a list of what your dream man/relationship would look like? What you will and won''t compromise on? I urge you to do this immediately!

I hope you don''t think I''m spelling out doom and gloom for the two of you. You two might be perfect for each other... but you do need to work through a few things so you feel secure and very happy in this relationship. He needs to understand what you need, how you feel, and if he isn''t willing to give you what you need.... do you really want to have these rollercoaster emotional moments? It will never be peachy/happy ALL the time with anyone, but it can be better. Is there anything else goind on with you compounding this situation?

Many hugs my dear- I wish you the very best.

 

[Cailet]

Wow- Sorry you are going through all this!!

I would say -- even if your guy doesn''t believe in counselling YOU should go. I am personally really resistant to going to counselling myself (my parents were HUGE on the "so how does that make you FEEL" chit chats and kids group therapy sessions when I was young so I got kind of turned off by it) but I really think that having someone completely outside of your situation, listening to all of your concerns would really help. That way you know the counselor isn''t giving you advice colored by their own relationship issues -- that they will be neutral and let you know when you are overacting and when you should be going with what your gut is telling you.

And who knows - maybe a counsellor would help you to work through your feelings and see what the issues are -- and if down the road you want to do couple counselling I would think that your bf/fi should really be willing to go. If you let him know it is something you need to do in order to continue with the relationship -- it doesn''t matter if HE is happy, if both people aren''t satisfied there is still work to be done!!


Sending you BIG CYBER HUGS and lots of GET WELL wishes to your dad!

 

[oshinbreez]

Ally,

I understand. Please do yourself a favor and end the relationship. I don''t feel that you''re really against marriage, I feel that you''re against marrying him. Believe it or not, there is someone out there that will make you feel the way you should. It isn''t fair to either of you to stay in the relationship. Take time for yourself. You need it. It sounds like you''ve done some serious soul searching and you know in your heart what you need to do. It''s alot easier to get out now then it would be later.

Take care of yourself and keep us updated. My prayers are with you.

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 9/28/2006 11:16:10 AM
Author: oshinbreez
Ally,

I understand. Please do yourself a favor and end the relationship. I don''t feel that you''re really against marriage, I feel that you''re against marrying him. .

Precisely & succinct.

Perhaps try counseling if that is what is in your heart.

But, please have the courage to leave if you are truly not happy. Your posts over the years have spoken volumes about your unhappiness in *this* relationship. Relationships should not make you feel bad.

 

[Blenheim]

Ally, I wish I could just give you a big hug.

I know that this is your decision to make, but from what you said I feel like you know what''s best for you and you''re having problems following through with it. You know that you have no intention of marrying right now. He''s hurt you and he continues to hurt you by breaking his promises. You know that he can easily change his mind and break promises and you don''t trust him to keep his wedding vows. The only real reasons that you give for staying in this relationship are "He is generally a very good boyfriend. I can''t say that he''s a bad person" and "It seems a shame to throw it away."

He may generally be a good boyfriend and not a bad person, but just not be the right man for you. I have friends who I love very deeply but I know that I would never be able to marry them. You asked if you were demanding or spoiled. You know, I''ve had a boyfriend call me both of those, but I really think it boiled down to us just not being compatible in the relationship. I have certain sets of needs (actually very similar to yours), and I need someone who can fulfill them. I''m a worrier. J calls me every day when he leaves the office to tell me he''s coming home. If he''s going to be late for whatever reason, he calls me. If he knows that I''m going to be teaching and not able to answer my phone, he sends a text message. I couldn''t handle not really talking for 3-4 weeks on end. He knows this. We were too busy to see much of each other on Monday and Tuesday (and that''s just two days), so we made sure to spend time together last night. Maybe some people would think I''m demanding or spoiled, but J doesn''t. I feel like your bf''s doing things that he thinks are thoughtful and that certain girls would love (driving the 4 hours every day to see you), but they''re just not meeting your wants and needs. But that doesn''t mean that your wants/needs aren''t important or that you''re being too demanding. It just means that someone who can meet them without feeling forced to would probably be a better match for you.

I know that ten years is a heck of a lot of time to invest in a relationship, but that doesn''t mean that you need to cling onto it for fear of throwing the last ten years away. Clinging to something that''s not right for you tends to have the side-effect of keeping you from things that are right to you.

{{Hugs.}}

 

[anchor31]

Oh, ally... Would you like me to call you so we can talk? When are you home today? *big hugs*

 

[Erin]

Date: 9/28/2006 11:53:32 AM
Author: Blenheim

Clinging to something that''s not right for you tends to have the side-effect of keeping you from things that are right for you.

This is a very good point. I might have to agree that this is a key concept to really believe in.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 9/28/2006 10:21:46 AM
Author: allycat0303
He''s happy as a clam. He has no issues in the relationship. He is happy. He knows I am unhappy, but he is very happy. He says he doesn''t want to lose me because I make him happy.

I hope this doesn''t come across too harshly but it seems to me you''re not even really IN a relationship. He''s "happy" because he wants a relationship where he never has to see the person, can do whatever he wants, and not really "engage" so to speak. That''s means he''d REALLY be happy OUT of a relationship. You might be the only person he could have THIS kind of relationship with! Of course he doesn''t want to lose it ... other people might have "demands" and "needs" and pesky ideas about "being together" and talking etc.

No one else can tell you what to do. How can your SISTER? With her issues etc etc? Would you even TRUST her opinion?

And your friends make like him, but would they MARRY him? Would they put up with all you do?

I think it would be a shame to go into something dragging your feet and dreading it - if you''re so sure you''re never going to marry him, but want to marry & maybe have kids, it doesn''t really seem like you even have a CHOICE about breaking up. It''s just a matter of time.

I kinda think you already know all this - you just aren''t ready to come out of the closet about it.

 

[firebirdgold]

Oh for crying out loud Alley! Wake up and smell the coffee! This is a BAD relationship for you.
It doesn''t matter if he''s a ''good guy'' or not, the end result is that this is a poisonous relationship for you. It sounds like you''re both in a nasty cycle and can''t break yourselves out of it!

Good relationship == You''re happy, you''re more confident, you feel good about yourself, your future together looks exciting, you trust him and he trusts you. oh and your emotions are stable.


My advice: GET OUT NOW! Move out and live on your own, guy-free for a while.

 

[Erin]

Indie you''re getting close to Deco''s level of ''spanking'' a dose of reality into a topic

 

[allycat0303]

Caligal: Hugs! I think I really needed a post like yours. Something supportive but pulling the pieces apart to really look. It's kind of like I need to pull the thing apart but I don't know what questions to ask.

Does he support my dreams? Yes too much so. At this very moment in time, he is much more successful then I am (possibly may be) but he's not defined by that. In the past few weeks, I've come to realize and made concrete some plans, which were new to him (mainly what field of specialization I want) and he is very was very supportive, and never asked the questions about "how will this affect me? etc." He intrinsically gets and knows that I'm defined by this, and is willing to make whatever sacrifices to make it happening. If I need to be in school till I'm 40, he's cool with it. That I may not have children, or have them very late, he understands that too. And that I'm a messy slob, don't clean, do laundry and only somtimes can cook because I'm studying, he gets that. After an exam when I'm decompressing (and it's awful scene he gets that).

I'm not sure that my dreams (as I've changed and grown involve marriage...whether that's because of what happened in the past..or just because I want different things is unsure).

A few weeks ago I closed my eyes and tried to imagine my dream life, and I saw my career, I saw myself with him, but I didn't see marriage or children. So what does that say? I don't know.

Does he put me first? Well he does, and then every 3 weeks he does something completely out of character and then I feel awful. I cry, I worry, and I question it. And I wonder who he is always. It's very unpredictable. What would make this so much easier is if a) the rest of the 3 weeks it was a mediocore/ good relationship b) It was awful ALL the time c) If deleting these three week occurances I wasn't so happy. And there are so many times when we're togther, that I feel like I could not possibly love someone more.

Communication: Although I'm very good at saying what I want/feel, he doesn't verbalize or analyze what he feels very much. He doesn't dissect it. And he's very much of a guy's guy. "Sports, work, and my girl, I'm happy". He's not complex, he never comes home bad tempered (although he might be internalizing). So I'm going to say that this isn't his strong suit.

Emotionally: If there's a crisis, he's there. If I'm falling apart, he's there. No question. He'll listen to me rant. He makes me feel loved (calls me 3 times/day) is usually excellent about being there on time, will call me on the way home.

BUT then...there's the "acting up" I don't know where it comes from. He went to play hockey, and he's going to be late. Is it really so hard to pick up the phone and let me know? And then he comes home acts defensive and mean (again he's NEVER defensive and mean) when it's HIS FAULT. I mean if you're never going to call, or ALWAYS break your word at least be consistent!!! Then I know he's not dead on the street.

And of course there was the time with the party where he promised to bring me home...and well you girls remember that
And the time that he was supposed to pick me up at 11:00 and called at 2:00 in the morning to say he's going to be late.

Honestly, if I didn't KNOW in my heart he wasn't cheating on me, that's what I would think. That he was seeing someone on the side. It would just explain everything. He loves me, but the other woman called. And least then I could understand the behavior.

Marriage in all honesty doesn't mean that much to me. I would marry him though, if I felt that this central issue in our relationship could be resolved. But it seems that I can't resolve it. And he doesn't think there's an issue. Although I think that his refusal to acknowledge my unhappiness is in a way an issue. Or he does acknowledge it...and then seems to forget 2 weeks later, like it's fleeting crisis by crisis... and not a long standing issue. I just want to kill this beast and be happy.

Anchor: Your a sweetie. I'm studying today, and honestly very emotional. I'll give you a call when I'm more coherent. I'm honestly a mess.

Fire&Ice, Oshinbreez: At this point, I'm probably about at 80% ready to leave. I really want to be the person to have stuck it out, because I really believe that what makes a relationship work is sacrifice, hard work, and the tenacity to keep at it. But I also realize I'm running out of options. Thanks for saying what no one around me has ever said.

Blenheim: It's like you said, I do feel that emotionally there's a lack of of something. And I don't think he is a bad person. I just feel like maybe we're not compatible, and that sometimes him being a selfish would go over a lot easier with another girl. Maybe another girl wouldn't even notice, someone a little more easygoing. I don't know. Jeez I sound so confused.

Thanks ladies. I appreciate the advice.

ETA OH MY GOD. Deco, what a light bulb statement. Maybe he's not even in a relationship. And I'm alone in this. I told him that yesturday.. I feel like I'm the only one in this. And you are right, that as it stands, that in my mind, it's a done deal. I can't go on like this forever. My sister's advice....I know...a little iffy, but she's the only one that knows both of us and is trying to be fair. My friends..well they're no help because they love him...

 

[Mara]

ally i was wondering how things were going with you and your man. i remember your topic not too long ago about the whole thing with his family and how you had to get home to study and how he was totally not interested in being there for you at that time...too busy with what HE wanted to do. and how you guys had kind of separated for a while? then we didn't hear much about it so i wasn't sure what was going on.

quite honestly, this man does not seem like a PARTNER to you. how is he going to be a partner in your life long-term if he can't get beyond his own needs? also on the flip side, you seem a little high maintenance. and i don't say that in a bad way, girl, i am high maintenance too.

but i mean that you have certain expectations for certain things and i don't think you are out of line for expecting what you want....but it sounds like this guy may not be able to give you what you really want and what you feel you need. you two seem honestly quite incompatible to me in the long-run.

you are high school sweethearts...you two have only pretty much been with each other (except for his stray)...i almost feel like you just stay with him because he is comfortable and what you know and feel safe with kinda thing. but that's no reason to marry the guy.

let me tell you that that rollercoaster up and down relationship stuff gets OLD after a while. you are seeing the effects now. as you get older, is that really what you want for your life? lets say you do marry him. do you expect this apathy to change? NO. it will not.

before greg i was with a wonderful person who treated me great. he adored me. i loved him. but after a few years of me wanting him to be THE ONE..because it all felt so easy...and we could have a nice life together, i realized he was not the one and i could not turn him into the one nor could our relationship be that special for me. and he treated me wonderfully, we didn't even have any issues like you guys do. but you just can't hope for something to be right, and make it happen. sometimes you have someone who is great in many ways but they aren't great in the ways that matter the most in the long run. you have to have that PASSION and drive for the relationship for it to be a marriage you will WANT to fight for. because marriage in and of itself is not a walk in the park, it takes compromise and work and i don't think either of you in this relationship are ready for it. he most certainly is not with his recent behavior.

frankly, and i know this is easy for me to say since i am not involved, but i think you two need to separate for a while. i know you are TIED together by your history and your owned house etc etc...but you need to get out and on your own for a while and be your own person and adult. you can't sleep without him home? that's not normal, girl. don't be that dependent on a man, especially one who does not put your best interests first. before i got married i wanted to get out and live on my own and be independent and know that i could make it on my own and be happy. that was really important to me because i felt like only then could i be an equal participant in a marriage and partnership, if i had experienced life on my own and knew that i could make it work on my own mentally. i think that if you were able to do that, you'd blossom into a different person. maybe one you are happier being. maybe you and your fiance would get back together. maybe not. but i hear so much FEAR in your posts. you fear marrying him but even more you fear being on your own.

it's not about doing what is easy..aka continuing on with this 'half life' you have built for yourself...it's about finding out what you really need in your life long-term, even if it means taking some hard knocks and addressing some fears and really looking into yourself and becoming who you want to be. with or without this man. life is not about being with a man.

good luck gal!! we are all pulling for you here.

 

[NYCsparkle]

Sorry ally....I think you need to separate yourself from him for a while to decide what you really want in life. 10 years is a long time...especially during your teens and early 20''s. Maybe you need to experience your own life before settling down. Then you''ll have a clearer view of what you want, who you want, and what you want from them. Remember no one can make you happy unless you are happy with yourself first. It sounds dumb, but its really true. (mom advice

)

 

[anchor31]

Date: 9/28/2006 12:49:45 PM
Author: allycat0303

Anchor: Your a sweetie. I''m studying today, and honestly very emotional. I''ll give you a call when I''m more coherent. I''m honestly a mess.

It''s okay, I can understand that. I get like this during hard times too. When/if you feel like it, don''t hesitate to call me. I''m going to my parents'' place tomorrow afternoon and that''s probably a long distance call from where you are, but I''ll be back in Montreal by Sunday evening. *big hugs again*

 

[firebirdgold]

Date: 9/28/2006 12:46:49 PM
Author: Starset Princess
Indie you''re getting close to Deco''s level of ''spanking'' a dose of reality into a topic

Thank you!

I''m a big fan of Deco''s.

You need to find your own strength, Alley. If you can''t bring yourself to break up with him, at the very least seperate for a little. You need to find out who you are as an adult and live on your own for a little while. Maybe he is the one, but you can''t be a partner to him if you can''t stand on your own two feet. You''re still clinging to him and dependant on him for your emotional needs.
Everything about this relationship in it''s current state sounds unhealthy for both of you.

 

[allycat0303]

Mara: Uhmm High Maintainence is not even close. Extreme high maintence is more like it. Which is part of the problem. I don''t know if I''m being fair to him ya know? My parents say there is no man on earth that could tolerate me except for my guy. Picture Christina from Grey''s Anatomy. Except I''m not all unable to talk feelings, I''m softer (more heart) but everything else, is very similar. My friends say "oh my god, it''s a meaner Ally on TV" Which I''m halfway at "jeez...maybe I need help. Maybe I''m too demanding and rigide.

But I definitely will say that he''s not pulling his weight on this issue either. And we do have a good life together. And it''s safe. And I really don''t feel like dating other guys. So it''s all those things. And I really love him. I just don''t think we''re compatible. I''m trying to figure out if we could become more compatible, work on it and find a meeting in the middle, but it''s pretty darn hard to work, when the other person feels like everything is great.

And the rollercoaster is old. I''m 26 yrs old. I''m a little tired of crying myself to sleep every 3 weeks. Maybe less highs, and no lows would be so much better.

It''s just hard. All around to know what is the best decision. 10 years, nothing is cut and dry. It''s not so easy to walk away, it''s not a real marriage but it''s almost half my life.

 

[Mara]

ally i totally understand. it's HARD. but your last sentence where you said, 10 years, this is almost half my life. brought to mind this thought.

half your life...and now you are unhappy, crying all the time, don't want to get married, thinking of settling. is that how you want to spend the NEXT half of your life? or the REST of your life?

just because it's half your life does not mean the next half can't be BETTER. and it SHOULD BE BETTER. you should NEVER SETTLE for half-lives. life is too short.

and i understand about the HM part too. i am pretty HM.. hehee. lucky for me greg loves me and i love him and i consider myself super lucky to have found someone who understands me. he's HM in a few ways too. i think there is someone out there for everyone. but don't settle just because you think that you can't find someone else who can put up with you. it's amazing what people will do for LOVE...the kind of love where you don't mind flaws because you know that you can deal with them for the next 50 years. because flaws don't go away, they just get exacerbated by age. hahaa. of course you love your fiance. you have spent 10 years with him! he's like a family member now, mentally that is. of course it's hard to think about cutting yourself off. it's the easy thing to stay where you are. but is it the best?

anyway, obviously you have to do some serious self-reflection and nothing WE say really will make a difference, but you need to figure things out. have you considered therapy for yourself? maybe an expert can help you find some of the answers you seek. help you be stronger in case you do decide to leave. the fact that you can't really talk to anyone in your life because they all 'love him'...that sucks! so i would go and find someone that is on your side, mentally, and has your best interests at heart....not someone who just thinks you'd be silly to let him go because he can put up with you.

 

[firebirdgold]

Er.... just to throw out a random idea here...
But. um. just how pervasive are these highs and lows? Do you have trouble dealing with life in the lows? Do you have trouble sleeping and maybe talk a bit fast or more than usual in the highs?

It''s just that I was in a relationship that emotionally sounded an awful lot like yours when I was in my early twenties, down to the being engaged and not doing anything about getting married. (Which is why I''m reacting a bit less tactfully than usual). I clung to the relationship long after I should have because it was a measure of stability in my life where my emotions and inner self felt increasingly chaotic and storm-tossed. Even though I couldn''t really see how frightening my internal self had gotten at the time since it was such a gradual change, and it''s hard when your in the midst of it. (There was also a measure of ''no one else would ever put up with me'' too.) The relationship became twisted and warped and totally unhealthy for the both of us.

So I''m probably totally projecting, but I just wanted to throw the idea out there to think about.

 

[janinegirly]

i think a lot of people are saying the same thing over and over in their posts. It appears (only from what i read of course) that a) you''re unhappy b) you are co-dependent c) are somewhat needy or "extreme high maintenance" as you put it and d)extremely analytical to the point you might not be able to see the big picture and some of the simpler things that are essential for a successful relationship (you don''t have to both be compatible on every conceivable issue, and he shouldn''t have to predict your reactions and pre-empt them with calls,constantly etc. etc. )

anyway, i''m not meaning to blame you at all. I just think you are overanalyzing and have too many emotions all at once. I am no expert, but it just seems so clear as an outsider that you need some work on yourself and to gain independence (emotionally, not financially/professionally which you seem to have down). Find new friends/hobbies. A lifetime of this intense neediness, moments of conflict (when he does something "out of character"), stalling on what the "future" involves will just make you both miserable. You''re 26....life is so short, start thinking in simpler terms and what will make you happy. Then just GO FOR IT, or just take one baby step in that direction--the hyper analyzing will lead to a break down otherwise.

 

[diane5006]

Hi I feel the need to chime in here...and I hope I don't offend

I read you post and most of the others...

The thing that struck me (from a health care provider perspective) is that you show some signs of depression...and that you should be evaluated and treated if necessary...

Depression happens...and causes us to have difficluty in our relationships or even relating...whether they are good or bad

Wishing you well

EDIT: I just re-read this and it comes off not quite as I intended...I think is it something you should look into...

 

[decodelighted]

The part about "being Christina from Grey''s Anatomy" made me smile! I can relate to parts of her character too ... it''s funny, cause shows like that make it seem like if you meet "the right" person, you''ll just heal yourself of all your issues & do what it takes to make the relationship work. (Or - other people''s traumas will make you "realize" something or "snap out of it" blah blah, ya know)

I .... believe in therapy. An outside, objective perspective that will be just what you''re looking for actually. Not someone to TELL you what to do, about this or other aspects of your life/behavior/outlook/health etc... but someone trusted with whom to explore your PERSONAL options ... ALONE ... not in the context of a relationship.

Part of me suspects that you''re "rebelling" a bit. You''ve been "with someone" your ENTIRE adult life, and well before. The twenties really are about self-exploration. I think "relationship" stuff won''t seem QUITE as confusing and daunting once you get closer to figuring out what YOU want & who YOU are (and that who YOU are is OKAY).

No one''s situation is exactly like yours, but there are stages of life that almost everyone has to go through - one way or another.