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Need some support. ( extremely long)

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luckystar112

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 8, 2007
Messages
3,962
I''ve had a really rough couple of days.

I guess I''ve been fooling myself this whole time, and now I''m so far in I''m scared to get out. I''ve been a LIW for a while now. I have been honest and out in the open with my boyfriend from the beginning. He knows that I don''t plan on living in TX forever, and he has always agreed with me that he will eventually want to move back to the east coast to raise kids. (Where both of our families live.) We have also discussed getting engaged and how we should be together for a couple of years before we do it. Well, it''s been 3.5 years. So naturally, I''m wondering whats going on. My boyfriend has never been a very emotional guy, or someone who knows the right thing to say...or someone who is able to communicate very well at all. So whenever I would bring up getting engaged or getting married, or moving....he would usually change the subject, crack a joke, or flat out tell me that he didn''t feel like talking about it. This of course made me feel like it might never happen, so I would continually pressure him to speak to me bluntly about our future, which would only make him more vague. On the other hand, sometimes he is more than willing to talk about it.

A big part of our problem is that he changed jobs a year ago. This job is 100% more demanding and with zero perks. He works from 7am to 9pm six days a week. No overtime pay. No health insurance. His boss is a manipulator who had two similiar businesses in another state that failed. To be clear, my boyfriend is the manager of an auto shop. His boss is the owner. My boyfriend has caught his boss on more than one occasion adding "extras" to customers bills in order to get cash. My boyfriend right there and then said that he wouldn''t be a part of it. But his boss does other things....like use company money to buy vehicles at auction and then sells them and pockets the money instead of putting it back in the company account. He also pays my boyfriend half in check form, and half in cash form in order to avoid taxes. My boyfriend doesn''t have a problem with this, but I do. It''s against the law, for one thing. The thing that bothers me the most is that my boyfriend idolizes this guy. His one big goal right now is eventually his boss will want to make him a partner and they can open multiple shops together. Let me tell you, this guy, for the last year, has said that he was going to get health insurance for his employees. He hasn''t. Instead he purchased another shop. In december when my boyfriend was promoted to manager, he was supposed to be able to negotiate salary after a two week period. It''s the end of march...no raise. My boyfriend was actually supposed to be promoted 6 months before he finally was...his boss procrastinated until the last minute. That''s what he likes to do.

The point of all this work stuff, is that when it came to getting engaged my boyfriend always had an excuse. "After I get promoted", "After I get my raise." "After the other shop is up and running." ect ect. So right now, he''s actually he''s taking a pay cut to work MORE hours with NO time off or benefits.

Back to the engagement story. So, like I said earlier I''ve been thinking that it''s coming....eventually. And yesterday and the day before I have broken down. He just makes me feel like I can''t talk about it...that it''s wrong to be excited without a ring on my finger, that I''m pressuring him. When I finally decided to have a tuscan themed wedding, I got excited and told him about it, even though a part of me was screaming, "DON''T DO IT!!!" He, again, didn''t really want to talk about it when I brought it up.

Last night we were talking about his boss and the new shop. I admit that I said some not so nice things about his boss, and how he''s manipulative. I brought up the tax fraud and the extra work on people''s bills...and how he likes to procrastinate. I also brought up his old shops and how they failed. He said the old shops failed because the previous owner had a bad reputation so no one wanted to bring their car there. I told him it was obviously more than THAT. (Using all of the previous examples.) He got so defensive and was like, "so...you''re a business major now? You know what you''re talking about?" No, but I know right from wrong, and I can smell a rat better than the next person. So this conversion, along with the fact that I have been extremely lonely and resentful lately made me tell him that I didn''t think I could be with someone forever who wants to be involved in that type of business, because it''s too risky. All it takes is for my boyfriend to get seriously hurt and he''ll lose his house. All it will take is one person realizing they had an extra $200 worth of stuff on their bill, or an audit for the business to fall on it''s behind.

Which in turn, cause you know how girls are, had me thinking outloud to him. About how he will always pick this loser over me. How if he can''t even propose when he says he''s going to, how do I know he''s going to be willing to move with me to the east coast in a few years? How it shouldn''t be like this. How if he KNOWS we are going to get married, then we should be able to have an adult conversation about it. How if I see some fricken tealight holders on sale for 49.99 that would look great on a reception table, I should feel comfortable buying them because we ARE getting married.
Then I think of other relationships and marriages. My mom and step father...my brother and his wife, my boyfriends parents, my boyfriend''s brother and his wife....all of those are equal partnerships. My brother bawled his eyes out when his wife came down the aisle, because he was so happy. I told my boyfriend about Jake (the pricescope member...but didn''t mention pricescope) and how he saved up for 2 years to marry his girlfriend even though he is in school...and my boyfriend hasn''t put a penny away. I mean, WHAT AM I DOING?!?!

I just feel like a complete idiot.

His responses to all that:
He doesn''t feel good about leading me on when it comes to when we are getting engaged. He doesn''t see moving to the east coast a priority anymore. He would like to, but he sees himself working for dirtbag for years, so if the option comes up for him to go to the east coast, he will. (This is a deal breaker for me. I will NOT live in Texas forever...of course he had to leave it open though. "Maybe" isn''t the same as "I will never move." Just one of the ways he keeps me around I guess.) He said I''ve been pressuring him to get married. It''s all we talk about. True...because he tells me as little as possible. Says he wants to get married, but doesn''t want to talk about it. Wants to go look at rings, doesn''t mean I''m getting one. Wants me to send him emails about setting and rings and diamonds, then deletes them all. I mean, it''s so confusing.

And you would think that when I''m sitting there bawling and babbling he could say something like, "We ARE going to get married." or "I didn''t know you didn''t feel included in planning our life." or "I''m sorry." or "I don''t want to break up." Instead he says, "Well it sounds like you''ve already made your decision." Then sits there in silence. He said he doesn''t want me to live in TX and be unhappy, and that he can''t do anything to make me happy. Yeah he can...he can make it WORTH IT. Tell me there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I also told him I don''t feel like a priority. Maybe his life has gotten too busy to squeeze in a relationship, and it''s probably too much work to make sure I''m happy. He didn''t say anything. I told him I''ve lost my independence. I left my full-time job to go back to school full time and let him pay for almost everything which has put him and me in a vulnerable situation. But my mom has known this and has told me multiple times that if I ever wanted to go back there to just say the word and she''d make it happen. He didn''t really have much to say about this either.

So that''s what I''m left with. I don''t know what to do. He was calling me by my first name this morning which isn''t a good sign. I''m just so confused, and upset. I mean...what do I do?
Do I give up on him? Do I wait it out? And if I give up on him do I go back to Maine? I just feel like that''s such a drastic move, and I want to really be sure its over before I do it. What if we work things out and he never wants to move to the east coast? And I mean, do I even go to him, or do I let him come to me to talk it out? I have always gone to him. Actually, he''ll come in a room and won''t say anything...which I guess it my cue to talk. Should I make him say SOMETHING? Should I get definite answers to my questions about moving and marriage before committing any more time to him?

And what do I do right now? It feels weird sleeping in the same bed as him since we are in this "fight" and he''s on a first name basis with me. Do I move into the guest bedroom to show him I mean business? I know he always has a tendency to think I''ve gotten "over" things. I really just want to know if I should give up. I''m really scared if I do it will be the wrong decision, and if I don''t I will never be made happy.

Anyway, I''m sorry this is so long. Like I said, I feel like a complete idiot. For those of you that have read this far down, thank you for caring and I really hope you guys can give me ANY advise. Besides discussion our future, we do get along great. We never fight, we always make eachother laugh. A nice happy couple. I just don''t get whats wrong with me.
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
Messages
1,899
Well, this is going to sound really harsh, but I think you need to get out now. If that includes a move home where you can feel safe and comfortable and loved, then do that. But I caught about six red flags just reading that post, and you sound very unhappy... while he sounds less than caring. If you aren''t a priority anymore, then there''s really no point in staying, is there? I''m sorry you''re going through this, but you have to remember that you have to take care of yourself and your happiness, too.

*M*
 

decodelighted

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2005
Messages
11,534
NOTHING is wrong with you. But, IMO, PLENTY is wrong with HIM and your relationship.

He doesn''t sound like a mature adult. You do. He''s enamored with get-rich-quick schemes and a man who is completely IMMORAL & UNETHICAL. The boss sounds like a sociopath (seductive, charming, uses you, disposes of you without a whit of regret ''cause the have no conscience) You see through it.

As tough as it probably is to hear -- it sounds a lot like the stories about the one you THOUGHT was "the one" until it didn''t work out and then you met someone much, much "better" and wondered why you EVER thought *that first guy* was worthy of life-long-partnership.

Do you trust him?
Do you respect him?
What is he gonna teach his KIDS about morals/ethics etc if he''s cool w/none?
 

sap483

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 14, 2007
Messages
988
OMG hunnie, there is absolultely NOTHING wrong with you! I''m so sorry you''re going through this. I don''t know your bf, so I can''t really pass judgement on what kind of person he is. But from what you''ve said about him and his boss, I believe that you need to be with someone who shares the same values as you. You know that what his boss is doing is wrong, and I understand that your bf didn''t want to be a part of it, but at the same time he idolizes the man and is willing to put your assets in jeapordy by getting involved in business with this man. IMO, you should be with someone who idolizes YOU. Someone who would never do anything to bring harm to you, and in the future, to a family you may start together. Whatever you decide, we''re all here for you. ::HUGS::
 

jcrow

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 8, 2005
Messages
7,395
i second deco and the others..

the good news is that you have instinct. you feel that this isn't right. you see all these red flags.
the really good news is that you can get out before you ARE in too deep - as in marriage.
 

Kaleigh

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2004
Messages
29,570
Date: 3/26/2007 4:44:26 PM
Author: jcrow
i second deco and the others..

the good news is that you have instinct. you feel that this isn''t right. you see all these red flags.
the really good news is that you can get out before you ARE in too deep - as in marriage.
Ditto!!
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
Date: 3/26/2007 4:14:06 PM
Author: decodelighted
NOTHING is wrong with you. But, IMO, PLENTY is wrong with HIM and your relationship.

He doesn''t sound like a mature adult. You do. He''s enamored with get-rich-quick schemes and a man who is completely IMMORAL & UNETHICAL. The boss sounds like a sociopath (seductive, charming, uses you, disposes of you without a whit of regret ''cause the have no conscience) You see through it.

As tough as it probably is to hear -- it sounds a lot like the stories about the one you THOUGHT was ''the one'' until it didn''t work out and then you met someone much, much ''better'' and wondered why you EVER thought *that first guy* was worthy of life-long-partnership.

Do you trust him?
Do you respect him?
What is he gonna teach his KIDS about morals/ethics etc if he''s cool w/none?
OK, I''ll 4th Deco (or whatever the heck we''re on) that your BF doesn''t sound mature and his boss sounds dodgy. But I think you have your share of issues too.

I think your engagement fever has overtaken some degree of sense so that you may not be able to see this is not the right guy for you. You "decided" to have a tuscan wedding? Does he get a say this wedding of yours? From your other threads, we know that your drive for engagement clues is making you snoop around. You open things when you are not supposed to, making him mad. You don''t sound any more crazy or over the top than many of the other ladies who just want to get engaged (i.e. it''s not all that abnormal) but to a guy it can really appear scary and weird. Even if he wants to plan an engagement, it doesn''t sound like you are letting him have any fun with it.

Now, with the understanding that I think your boyfriend did not handle the conversation well, I''ll play devil''s advocate and say that you put him in a corner with his job and his boss. Regardless of the fact that it does sound like this guy is crooked, you know your bf does like him and let me tell you, lots of men, like caged animals, lash out when being put in a corner. So my guess is that part of the reason he gave you that lame a** response is because he was mad. The other part could be that he may actually be an immature person who doesn''t want to commit, but I can''t say I would make that judgment for sure.

You say in other areas of your relationship, things are great, so I''ll just take that at face value. My advice to you is really look at your man and assess if he is a man of integrity. I am often surprised how many women forget to say this when listing off traits they are looking for a guy. Integrity is doing the right thing when NO ONE is looking. A man without integrity will slowly bring poison into your lives in ways that you cannot even imagine. I know this firsthand...my father had a lot of pride...but little integrity and it ruined our family in so many ways.

How will you know if your man is one with integrity? Pay attention to that little niggling feeling you''ll get in the back of your mind...that''s a warning.
 

Independent Gal

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2006
Messages
5,471
Lucky! I can't agree more with these ladies. When my friends used to talk about what they wanted in a partner 'strong moral compass' was always number one with us. I mean, if he can't tell right from wrong in this case, if he doesn't have integrity to do the right thing, how will you be able to trust him? Of course I don't know him, but working for a thief and a con artist seems wrong to me. And what about your kids? What will they learn from him? That's a deal breaker! And you'll always resent him if you have to live somewhere you don't want to.


My 2 cents: If you're able to (with work or whatnot) tell him you'll go back to Maine for a couple of months and think it through among people who love you and share your values. Your heart will tell you what's right. And then you can stay there if your heart says 'I want a man with more integrity'.

I know what you mean about not wanting to stay somewhere indefinitely. The more I think about having kids, the more I want to go back to my home country. It's like birds that always nest in the place where they were born. Sounds cheesy, but that's what it feels like! or maybe I just say that because M's nickname for me is the name of a bird.

ETA: Funny that T'Gal just said 'Women forget to list integrity...' just as I was writing that that really WAS number one with my gal pals. But I guess we're a little weird in that respect.
 

Aloros

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 2, 2006
Messages
947
*BIG HUGS*. I''ve been there before and I know you must be hurting something fierce. To me, he seems quite clearly in the wrong. He told you two years and hasn''t kept to that, he''s changing his priorities without discussing them with you beforehand, and he''s participating in a dishonest business practice. You are right to consider these things, because they will affect your future if you marry.

Don''t back down. We teach others how to treat us, and this is clearly NOT ok with you.

I know you don''t want to throw away 3.5 years together. It is a long time to invest in someone. Here''s hoping he comes to his senses and takes the necessary steps to make things right in your relationship before he loses you.

Just don''t settle for less than what will make you happy.
 

luckystar112

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 8, 2007
Messages
3,962
Date: 3/26/2007 4:14:06 PM
Author: decodelighted
it sounds a lot like the stories about the one you THOUGHT was ''the one'' until it didn''t work out and then you met someone much, much ''better'' and wondered why you EVER thought *that first guy* was worthy of life-long-partnership.
You know, it''s funny because my first *real* relationship was a complete NIGHTMARE. I mean, drug-using convicted felon who was on probation...who was abusive mentally and sometimes physically, and who had cheated on me multiple times before he finally got one of them pregnant. It took me 3 years before I got into another relationship--with my current boyfriend.

And of course, he''s completely different. He''s smart, he gets along with his parents, he never even swears...no drugs...has (what I thought) was ideal morals...has interests like working on the house and going fishing...and he had always treated me with so much respect. Plus he''s hilarious and fun and caring....and generous. I seriously felt like I had hit the jackpot with him. He was my "the one".


We were in a rough spot over a year ago, when he had first started working the long hours at his new job. We almost broke up because of it. Same scenario as this time, where he was somewhat indifferent and made it seem like it was *my* decision. You know, like the mopey sad "well, if that''s what you want..." instead of saying that it ISN''T want HE wants. I remember I had decided to spend the night in the guest bedroom, but got this feeling that I didn''t want it to end yet, so I went into the bedroom and caught him CRYING. And I mean, my boyfriend does NOT cry. We were able to talk it out after that, and things got better for a while. He doesn''t express emotions very well with words, so when I saw him physically upset it kind of confirmed that I did have a spot in his life, you know? So even though he can''t put it into words, I always wonder what''s going on in his head. I know he has feelings. I know he''s probably sad...but what the hell....SAY YOU''RE SAD.

I''m just confused because if he DIDN''T want to marry me...if I wasn''t a priority to him...then why do I live at his house rent free? Why did he invite me home for xmas? Why did he want me to accompany him and his family to Italy? Those aren''t things that you do for people you don''t love, right?

I mean, if I''m getting it straight, he probably just isn''t ready to get married yet and I need to lay off. He, for some reason, is obsessed with getting ahead at this job and he wants me to be supportive of that. I admit, I haven''t been supportive. It''s taken away from our time together...and I hate his boss and his boss''s shady moves and broken promises. I can''t convince him of that though. I told him it really disappointed me that he wanted to be associated with a guy who was like that. Luckily, the only shady thing my boyfriend does is accept the cash (from his paycheck). He thinks it''s not as bad if you''re only screwing over "the man". He''s gone insane. He was never like this.

And I don''t understand why he feels like he needs this boss in order to make a name for himself in that industry. Why does he want so badly to be a "partner"? What''s stopping him from opening his own shop? Why does he need *this* guy who obviously can''t run a business successfully?

I still don''t know what to do. All I know is that I DON''T want to settle, but I still feel like he has all this potential. It scares me to think of flying home to live with my mother with no job, no funds, no car, and nothing but the a suitcase full of clothes.

I don''t want to pretend things are alright when they aren''t, but I want to give him a chance to do something about it. So I guess I''ll be shacking up in the guest room for a while.
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
Date: 3/26/2007 5:20:11 PM
Author: Aloros


I know you don't want to throw away 3.5 years together. It is a long time to invest in someone. Here's hoping he comes to his senses and takes the necessary steps to make things right in your relationship before he loses you.

Just don't settle for less than what will make you happy.
It will be a bigger waste of time if she ends up with the wrong guy!

Luckystar, it is possible as you say, that he DOES want to marry you...just not right now. I certainly wish you the best. Personally, going home to a place you love (I think?) without a job, no money, no car and just a suitcase full of clothes simply sounds like the beginning of a cool new adventure to me. Actually I did exactly that once when I was 24 (it was not relationship caused, but it was a tough decision and one that meant admitting failure) and it was the best thing I ever did.
 

luckystar112

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 8, 2007
Messages
3,962
Date: 3/26/2007 5:06:00 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Date: 3/26/2007 4:14:06 PM
Even if he wants to plan an engagement, it doesn''t sound like you are letting him have any fun with it.
I agree with most of what you said, except that part. I would be elated if he would show any interest in planning a wedding. He is only as interested as he has to be. In other words, interested enough so that he doesn''t come off as disinterested and hurt my feelings. He has told me plenty of times that planning a wedding is a "girl" thing.

I''ve always considered that a normal response from a guy, but now I''m wondering if that was another way for him to blow me off.
 

decodelighted

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2005
Messages
11,534
The irony is that your boyfriend''s BOSS is doing the same thing to HIM that he''s doing to YOU ...

-- "stringing along"
-- shifting goals
-- not following through/keeping his word
-- taking him forgranted
-- requireing him to live in "limbo" or else be "alone"
-- not "taking care of him" (i.e. insurence, raises etc)
-- asking for more & more w/little to nothing in return

He''s probably telling HIMSELF:

Why would he promote me if he didn''t want to make me partner?
Why would he give me all this responsibility if he didn''t have "good sense"?
Just because he''s failed before doesn''t mean he''ll fail again.
He MUST "love me" or why would he keep me around? Confide in me? Flatter?

He''s even shifting his own MORALS & ETHICS to continue to "believe in" this guy ... as you are to "believe in" yours.

I dunno. Seems like there''s a lesson in here - I just don''t know what it is exactly.

I DO know that sociopaths are VERY SEDUCTIVE ... even moreso to someone naive or with low-self-esteem or little experience in life/workforce/biz.
 

enbcfsobe

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 17, 2007
Messages
1,154
I feel for you as well. It is indescribably difficult when you feel like your relationship isn''t what/how/where you thought it was. I think you are well aware of the issues and potential issues with your BF''s behavior both towards you with regards to planning and priorities and with regards to work. It is so hard to separate the person who indicates that he''s leading you on with regard to marriage from the person who you shared so many wonderful things with. Being in a position of dependence makes it even more difficult. I''ve had to make that choice between staying and trying to work it out and moving back home to the parents with nothing. Unfortunately, when guys aren''t mature and aren''t really ready for marriage they tend to do things that we think are out of love out of obligation or convenience. I am not saying this is necessarily the case, but I found with some guys this was the answer to all the "why did he _____" questions about family and holidays and gifts and so many other things. I was there, he could depend on me, so he kept doing things that would keep me there and make me feel a part of his life.
There are so many things that you are thinking about right now, but being in his house, in a state you don''t want to live in much longer, with him and his work in your face every day, may make it even harder to figure out what you want. If you can, take a break, even a few days. Not necessarily a break up, but get out of the house, go stay somewhere else. Get onto turf that you control, and then do some serious thinking. Not just about weddings and rings, but about what happens after. About being stuck in Texas. About having to make this same deicision to move back to mom with a toddler in tow. About potentially caring for kids while he is working all the time for someone you don''t trust, or worse yet, in trouble with the law because of his bosses'' business practices (knowing they are going on and benefitting from them might be enough for conspiracy). But also think about the positives (we haven''t gotten into much of that here, but you know what they are). You need to figure out what risks you are willing to take for him. Ask yourself what risks he would take for you. And after you''re done thinking, have him come to you on your turf to talk it out, whatever you decide. I really think that putting yourself in a more comfortable physical place where you have a greater sense of independence from him, even temporarily, can make a huge difference in clearing your head a bit.
Good luck -- this will not be easy no matter what the outcome.
 

goldenstar

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 16, 2006
Messages
1,045
Date: 3/26/2007 5:22:52 PM
Author: luckystar112

I''m just confused because if he DIDN''T want to marry me...if I wasn''t a priority to him...then why do I live at his house rent free? Why did he invite me home for xmas? Why did he want me to accompany him and his family to Italy? Those aren''t things that you do for people you don''t love, right?

I''m sure he loves you but he may also be doing these things to keep you around. I''ve heard of guys who are not sure if they want to marry their GF''s [yet?] but care enough about them to keep them close. Also, sometimes people fall into a rut and stay together because its easier than breaking up. I don''t know if this is true for the two of you, I just wanted to throw it out there.

I think that you''re feelings are completely valid and it really seems that you are an intelligent and intuitive person. I saw some red flags in the things you discussed, and you recognized them as well. But it also seems that you are talking yourself into thinking that everything will be alright in the end. Which is entirely possible, we here don''t know the full story. But some of the things you said, such as mentioning the "deal breaker", makes it seem that there are "irreconcilable differences", which as we all know is the basis for many a divorce. Just food for thought...
 

ladykemma

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 2, 2006
Messages
2,194
what everyone said

look up sociopath as well as workaholism

Do you get more excited about your work than about family or anything else?
Are there times when you can charge through your work and other times when you can't?
Do you take work with you to bed? On weekends? On vacation?
Is work the activity you like to do best and talk about most?
Do you work more than 40 hours a week?
Do you turn your hobbies into money-making ventures?
Do you take complete responsibility for the outcome of your work efforts?
Have your family or friends given up expecting you on time?
Do you take on extra work because you are concerned that it won't otherwise get done?
Do you underestimate how long a project will take and then rush to complete it?
Do you believe that it is okay to work long hours if you love what you are doing?
Do you get impatient with people who have other priorities besides work?
Are you afraid that if you don't work hard you will lose your job or be a failure?
Is the future a constant worry for you even when things are going very well?
Do you do things energetically and competitively including play?
Do you get irritated when people ask you to stop doing your work in order to do something else?
Have your long hours hurt your family or other relationships?
Do you think about your work while driving, falling asleep or when others are talking?
Do you work or read during meals?
Do you believe that more money will solve the other problems in your life?
If you answer "yes" to three or more of these questions you may be a workaholic. Relax. You are not alone. ladykemma edit: has your workaholism led to illegal or unethical practices?
has your workaholism led you to keeping secrets from others?



Many have found recovery through the tools of this fellowship.






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Workaholics Anonymous Literature About Recovery or W.A. Home Page









Copyright 2006 Workaholics Anonymous
Last Updated 20 Aug 2006 Version
 

janinegirly

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 21, 2006
Messages
3,689
wow, that is a lot. some of it i can relate too...my FI is also non expressive, and will sit in silence which drove me crazy. he also didn''t react well to pressure. and also took his time to propose. but it did happen, and i look back and see that he processed things differently and needed time to make HIS decision, not just give in to mine.

But that''s not to say there aren''t some major red flags in your situation. First of all, I can understand your bf being worn down by your constant talk of engagment..and even worse, discussions of wedding themes and ring shopping. Has he actually told you of any pending decisions to propose or have the 2 of you discussed having a traditional wedding which you can plan pre-engagement OR are you just making a lot of assumptions here? I may be in the miniority here, but i don''t think it''s good to plan a wedding or look at centerpieces when the engagement hasn''t happened and doesn''t appear close! It''ll only drive you into bridezilla mode which will scare your bf away--the exact opposite of what you want.

Secondly, you need to have an honest adult conversation with your bf. About expectations and timelines. It sounds like you''ve tried, but tell him you need to talk about it again, and it''s serious. Lay down what you want, ask him what he wants and see if you guys are at least on the same page. I really don''t get the side story with the boss-that has nothing to do with your relationship. If your bf is stalling, it''s because of something within him that is holding him back--it''s not his job or anything else. If he wanted to save money for a ring, he would be. It seems he is having major doubts which is why you need to have a honest conversation, which after 3 years..the 2 of you should be capable of doing. Then you need to have the strength to HEAR what he''s saying (not what you want to hear...having flashbacks of becky p here!) and move ON if it''s not concrete progress towards marriage. You''ve put yourself in precarious position here by moving out there, and being dependent on him and feeling like you need him to move back east.
I hope things look clearer soon, but i highly recommend you talking to him tonight without some of the heated emotion and get some answers. Let us know how it goes....good luck, it''s not easy, but you need to figure this out now or else you''ll really feel foolish.
 

ladykemma

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 2, 2006
Messages
2,194
Date: 3/26/2007 6:17:41 PM
Author: janinegirly
wow, that is a lot. some of it i can relate too...my FI is also non expressive, and will sit in silence which drove me crazy. he also didn''t react well to pressure. and also took his time to propose. but it did happen, and i look back and see that he processed things differently and needed time to make HIS decision, not just give in to mine.

But that''s not to say there aren''t some major red flags in your situation. First of all, I can understand your bf being worn down by your constant talk of engagment..and even worse, discussions of wedding themes and ring shopping. Has he actually told you of any pending decisions to propose or have the 2 of you discussed having a traditional wedding which you can plan pre-engagement OR are you just making a lot of assumptions here? I may be in the miniority here, but i don''t think it''s good to plan a wedding or look at centerpieces when the engagement hasn''t happened and doesn''t appear close! It''ll only drive you into bridezilla mode which will scare your bf away--the exact opposite of what you want.

Secondly, you need to have an honest adult conversation with your bf. About expectations and timelines. It sounds like you''ve tried, but tell him you need to talk about it again, and it''s serious. Lay down what you want, ask him what he wants and see if you guys are at least on the same page. I really don''t get the side story with the boss-that has nothing to do with your relationship. If your bf is stalling, it''s because of something within him that is holding him back--it''s not his job or anything else. If he wanted to save money for a ring, he would be. It seems he is having major doubts which is why you need to have a honest conversation, which after 3 years..the 2 of you should be capable of doing. Then you need to have the strength to HEAR what he''s saying (not what you want to hear...having flashbacks of becky p here!) and move ON if it''s not concrete progress towards marriage. You''ve put yourself in precarious position here by moving out there, and being dependent on him and feeling like you need him to move back east.
I hope things look clearer soon, but i highly recommend you talking to him tonight without some of the heated emotion and get some answers. Let us know how it goes....good luck, it''s not easy, but you need to figure this out now or else you''ll really feel foolish.
actually it is very important, because if married she can get arrested for income tax and social security tax evasion too.
 

justjulia

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 4, 2006
Messages
2,308
End the relationship now. This sounds like codependence. You are feeling guilty for something you should not be. This kind of behaviour WILL CONTINUE THROUGHOUT the marriage, should marriage happen. GET OUT NOW.
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 15, 2006
Messages
7,485
Go home to Maiine and start fresh...do it with the attitude that you are embarking on a new adventure, even if all you have is a suitcase and the support of your family. He doesn''t sound like much of a prize and it''s better to be alone and find your own happiness than with someone who makes you feel miserable (even if it''s only part of the time).
 

BunniBling

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 1, 2007
Messages
120
Oh, lucky - I''m so sorry you''re dealing with this. It''s absolutely devastating when you realize that you might have to seriously assess the last 3.5 years of your life. You''ve invested so much, I know. However, I have to agree w/ PopTart. Trust your instincts. Please. You do not want to be having these feelings at the 5.5 or 12.5 year mark.

Be strong, make yourself a priority and take this opportunity to be with your family and start over.

Sending good thoughts your way...

-J
 

goldenstar

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 16, 2006
Messages
1,045
Date: 3/26/2007 6:20:52 PM
Author: ladykemma
Date: 3/26/2007 6:17:41 PM

Author: janinegirly

wow, that is a lot. some of it i can relate too...my FI is also non expressive, and will sit in silence which drove me crazy. he also didn''t react well to pressure. and also took his time to propose. but it did happen, and i look back and see that he processed things differently and needed time to make HIS decision, not just give in to mine.


But that''s not to say there aren''t some major red flags in your situation. First of all, I can understand your bf being worn down by your constant talk of engagment..and even worse, discussions of wedding themes and ring shopping. Has he actually told you of any pending decisions to propose or have the 2 of you discussed having a traditional wedding which you can plan pre-engagement OR are you just making a lot of assumptions here? I may be in the miniority here, but i don''t think it''s good to plan a wedding or look at centerpieces when the engagement hasn''t happened and doesn''t appear close! It''ll only drive you into bridezilla mode which will scare your bf away--the exact opposite of what you want.


Secondly, you need to have an honest adult conversation with your bf. About expectations and timelines. It sounds like you''ve tried, but tell him you need to talk about it again, and it''s serious. Lay down what you want, ask him what he wants and see if you guys are at least on the same page. I really don''t get the side story with the boss-that has nothing to do with your relationship. If your bf is stalling, it''s because of something within him that is holding him back--it''s not his job or anything else. If he wanted to save money for a ring, he would be. It seems he is having major doubts which is why you need to have a honest conversation, which after 3 years..the 2 of you should be capable of doing. Then you need to have the strength to HEAR what he''s saying (not what you want to hear...having flashbacks of becky p here!) and move ON if it''s not concrete progress towards marriage. You''ve put yourself in precarious position here by moving out there, and being dependent on him and feeling like you need him to move back east.

I hope things look clearer soon, but i highly recommend you talking to him tonight without some of the heated emotion and get some answers. Let us know how it goes....good luck, it''s not easy, but you need to figure this out now or else you''ll really feel foolish.
actually it is very important, because if married she can get arrested for income tax and social security tax evasion too.
I agree that this is very relevant as well. It may be an indication of BF''s character.

Luckystar, I posted an article in a new thread that made me think of you. I wanted to keep it separate from this thread so that I don''t hijack. It''s called "Golden Rules for Finding Your Life Partner".
 

firebirdgold

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 30, 2005
Messages
2,216
I agree, go home to Maine. This relationship is not heading to happily ever after. Your mother will understand. Besides, better 3.5 years lost than 4 years or 5 years. Basically, if you can even think that you might possibly be settling, then you are settling. When the guy is the right one, it''ll never occure to you. (You might wonder if you can put up with being grunted at for the first hour every morning for the rest of your life, but that''s not the same thing.
)

It''s so easy to blinded by wanting to be in love forever. I''ve certainly done it before. You want him to be the one, but he just isn''t. Yes, you''ve gone wedding crazy, but part of that is because you so desperately want that happy life and you''re scared.

Try to think about what you want out of your life when it comes to life and your career. What will make you happy? What do you need to do to get there? This way when you move back to Maine you will have some plan for your life. I suggest that you focus on yourself for awhile.
 

neatfreak

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 17, 2007
Messages
14,167
Lucky, you sound like you have a very level head on your shoulders that might have gotten a little blurred by engagement fever. We''ve all been there, but I can say that my BF certainly did not have the reaction that yours did. Mine assured me that I wasn''t crazy...that he understood...and that he intended on marrying me in the next few years, but that he needed to save for the ring.

Neither did my best friend''s BF who is not ready to be married yet, but really wants to marry her. When she freaked out he showed his caring and nurturing side and said exactly what you WANTED your boyfriend to say to you.

But the way HE reacted to you is NOT healthy, NOT loving, and NOT nurturing. Please don''t stay in this relationship, at least for now. From everything you have said about him it sounds like his silence is waiting for YOU to break it off. He''s putting it all on YOU because he doesn''t want to deal with it. He can''t make YOU happy...YOU have already made your decision. He isn''t taking responsibility for anything.

Go home to Maine, and if he really wants you, he''ll find you. Otherwise you could be headed for more misery. I promise that things happen for a reason and if you go home and it is meant to be it will work itself out. But you need to get away from him and figure out what YOU want before you can really decide what''s best for YOU.

Best of luck and we''re always here for you!
 

diane5006

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 8, 2003
Messages
652
I read you first post...and got the feeling from that....the best place for you might be a long way away form that relationship...

You said

"I''m just confused because if he DIDN''T want to marry me...if I wasn''t a priority to him...then why do I live at his house rent free? Why did he invite me home for xmas? Why did he want me to accompany him and his family to Italy? Those aren''t things that you do for people you don''t love"

NO...they are not necessarily things people do for love either...they are things people do for sex, or because they would look bad otherwise...not to say he doesn''t love you...but it souds like he loves himself more...

I agree wiht the others...move back east...where YOU want to be...
 

Mara

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 30, 2002
Messages
31,003
most of the other gals have really said it all...but i just wanted to chime in and say ....take care of yourself. think of yourself. you have to really consider who''s number one here. he obviously is doing that for himself. just do not get sidetracked by the hopes and dreams you may have had for the relationship (or still have)...but you have to be realistic at some point and stop for a second and put emotion aside and think about what is really best for you. is it continuing to be frustrated and waiting around? sounds like you had an epiphany, use the clarity you have right now to get your ducks into a row and get out of a bad situation. if it is really meant to be, it WILL happen later. but take your own destiny back into your hands and do what''s best for YOU. good luck.
 

sarahthewarrior

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 2, 2007
Messages
223
This is probably going to sound like a broken record after all the other posts, and I''m so sorry you''re having to go through this, but I think you really should get out now. I know 3.5 years is a long time to have invested in a relationship, but you''re only wasting your time if you stay longer, and this relationship looks destined for an unhappy marriage (if an engagement ever even happens). I understand that you may have been in love with him and really thought he was "the one," but people do change. If he is no longer the man you fell in love with, then that''s all there is to it. Go home to Maine, where you actually want to be, and try to move on and get a fresh start. Personally, I think you can do better, and I wish you the very best.
 

NYCsparkle

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 23, 2006
Messages
1,371
red flags everywhere!! i agree with everyone...go home to maine and make a LIFE for yourself...why wait for him to make a life for you when you are obviously not wanting the life he''s choosing to live. it''ll be hard, but worth it in the end when you feel happy, fulfilled, and independent. take care of your needs first, don''t worry about his because it doesn''t sound as if he takes care of yours....remember you can''t be happy with someone else unless you are happy with yourself first.
 

MustangFan

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 27, 2006
Messages
935
I didn''t read the whole thing because I don''t have the time right now, but all I can say is he has to GET OUT!!! My boyfriend was in the auto body collision repair industry for many years, 11 actually and the pay got worse and worse, to the point where he had to use his saving to pay the mortgage. Insurance companies are killing the field, no body wants to pay for sh*t anymore! Geiko is probably the worst enemy for these guys because they insurance adjusters come in and beat quotes down and you have to argue with them, it''s just not worth it. After 11 years, his career was going no where and my boyfriend is very talented and gifted, he can make a creamed car and make it better than factory, but no body appreicates it. He is now a plumber and gets cash over-time and he''s making more in 8 months than in THE LAST years of auto body!!!!!
With full health insurance, dental and 401k optional.

His frame of mind it much better and he doesn''t have to work in a shop where it gets close to 108 degrees with no a/c and a boss that sits inside her air conditioned office. YOU WOULD THINK HE WAS A SLAVE!!! it was awful and it''s not getting better for these guys.
 

Kit

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 7, 2005
Messages
501
Date: 3/26/2007 3:39:54 PM
Author:luckystar112
I''ve had a really rough couple of days.

-snip-

And you would think that when I''m sitting there bawling and babbling he could say something like, ''We ARE going to get married.'' or ''I didn''t know you didn''t feel included in planning our life.'' or ''I''m sorry.'' or ''I don''t want to break up.'' Instead he says, ''Well it sounds like you''ve already made your decision.'' Then sits there in silence. He said he doesn''t want me to live in TX and be unhappy, and that he can''t do anything to make me happy. Yeah he can...he can make it WORTH IT. Tell me there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I also told him I don''t feel like a priority. Maybe his life has gotten too busy to squeeze in a relationship, and it''s probably too much work to make sure I''m happy. He didn''t say anything. I told him I''ve lost my independence. I left my full-time job to go back to school full time and let him pay for almost everything which has put him and me in a vulnerable situation. But my mom has known this and has told me multiple times that if I ever wanted to go back there to just say the word and she''d make it happen. He didn''t really have much to say about this either.

So that''s what I''m left with. I don''t know what to do. He was calling me by my first name this morning which isn''t a good sign. I''m just so confused, and upset. I mean...what do I do?
Do I give up on him? Do I wait it out? And if I give up on him do I go back to Maine? I just feel like that''s such a drastic move, and I want to really be sure its over before I do it. What if we work things out and he never wants to move to the east coast? And I mean, do I even go to him, or do I let him come to me to talk it out? I have always gone to him. Actually, he''ll come in a room and won''t say anything...which I guess it my cue to talk. Should I make him say SOMETHING? Should I get definite answers to my questions about moving and marriage before committing any more time to him?

And what do I do right now? It feels weird sleeping in the same bed as him since we are in this ''fight'' and he''s on a first name basis with me. Do I move into the guest bedroom to show him I mean business? I know he always has a tendency to think I''ve gotten ''over'' things. I really just want to know if I should give up. I''m really scared if I do it will be the wrong decision, and if I don''t I will never be made happy.

Anyway, I''m sorry this is so long. Like I said, I feel like a complete idiot. For those of you that have read this far down, thank you for caring and I really hope you guys can give me ANY advise. Besides discussion our future, we do get along great. We never fight, we always make eachother laugh. A nice happy couple. I just don''t get whats wrong with me.
Just a couple of things that I reacted to on your post:
-he CAN make you happy, he just chooses not to. you''ve made yourself perfectly clear as to what you want. he''s not doing anything to fulfill your biggest needs.
-moving into the guest bedroom isn''t going to do a damn thing. you need to figure out what you want, and then proceed from there. living in the guest room I assume, is not in your life plan
-there is nothing wrong with you!!

You''re in love, obviously, because that''s the only reason why a reasonable person like you would allow yourself to be treated this way. I am echoing much of what has already been said. He is stringing you along...maybe not totally consciously, but that doesnt'' really matter at this point. It sounds like your last BF was a Class A A**hole, and your current one is about 50% better. Yeah, he''s got his strong points and good qualities, he makes you feel good and happy, you obviuosly have had some good times. But it seems like he doesn''t want to make you happy, and doesn''t want what you want. Just because he isn''t a total disaster doesnt'' mean you don''t deserve better. I am not sure you really know what a healthy and positive relationship should be like???

You cannot control his behavior. Accept this as a fact! We all wish we had throught control over our DHs/FIs some times, but we never do. All you can do is decide for your self what you want and pursue it. I think you already have decided: you want marriage, and you want East Coast. Be clear with him, and be firm. Give him some time to process the fact that you have set your course and goals, and you are moving on with or without him.

And then do what''s right, what''s best for you. Make yourself happy before you try to get someone else to do it for you--because you can''t count on others to do this. It will pay off in the long run, believe me.

Hugs, and I wish you the best.
 
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