Need some perspective

[nala]

A bit of background. I have 4 older sisters. When I was a child, they were verbally abusive to me. I couldn’t wait to move out and I did when I left for college. Never looked back. I allowed them back into my life after my dd was born. I was cautious. 20 years later, we’ve had normal up’s and downs. Or maybe they aren’t normal. Would like to hear your thoughts.
They all have kids and they have allowed their kids to exclude mine on many occasions. When I have spoken up or my DD, the drama that ensues leads to a long period of silent treatment, as in they shut me out. Usually a family event or holiday brings us back together.
Most recently my mom has accidentally shared info that they didn’t want me to know. For example, my mom will say, isn’t it terrible that blah blah and I will respond in shock. Then mom will say, oh, I just remembered that they told me not to tell you. This happens all too often lately. It becomes problematic when they straight out lie to my face, given the secrets mom has divulged. To keep the peace, I am then just forced to go along with their delusions. Except I’m beginning to wonder if it’s worth it. And many times wondered why they warn mom not to tell me. I’m a total liberal. I’d like to think that I’m not judgey and I’m very sincere. Most of the time we disagree Bc i am very sincere and liberal. Im beginning to resent Living in their version of reality. Walking on eggshells for fear that I might offend them.
Is this how people get along? Are we just supposed to live in others’ version of reality to make them happy or to keep the peace? If so, why do I find it so problematic? Why am I struggling with this?
I want to add that so far, I have been an open book with them. Maybe I’ve been too naive.

 

[Ally T]

I have no advice for you here, but wanted to say that this sounds like a horrid situation. Also, I feel disappointed that your mum would go along with their asking to exclude you from information etc. Despite you all now being mothers, she is still THEIR mother & she should behave accordingly. It sounds like she may get pleasure from “letting things slip” perhaps?

This isn’t ‘normal’ sibling behavior as far as I am concerned. I am one of four children, all happily married & all very close. Between us we have 8 children, with another baby on the way for my youngest sister in summer. The younger children get together very regularly (monthly) to hang out & just be kids together, the oldest two are at University but come home regularly. They are both back this coming weekend for my youngest daughters 8th Birthday party, despite only returning to their respective colleges over this weekend. I appreciate their troubles & I realise I am lucky with my family, but regarding most of my friends, this is also the norm for them too. Sure, we all occasionally bicker within our families, but generally we are friends & respectful of each other’s decisions & life choices.

I hope you can find some peace & resolution with this, and that others chime in with advice.

 

[nala]

I have no advice for you here, but wanted to say that this sounds like a horrid situation. Also, I feel disappointed that your mum would go along with their asking to exclude you from information etc. Despite you all now being mothers, she is still THEIR mother & she should behave accordingly. It sounds like she may get pleasure from “letting things slip” perhaps?

This isn’t ‘normal’ sibling behavior as far as I am concerned. I am one of four children, all happily married & all very close. Between us we have 8 children, with another baby on the way for my youngest sister in summer. The younger children get together very regularly (monthly) to hang out & just be kids together, the oldest two are at University but come home regularly. They are both back this coming weekend for my youngest daughters 8th Birthday party, despite only returning to their respective colleges over this weekend. I appreciate their troubles & I realise I am lucky with my family, but regarding most of my friends, this is also the norm for them too. Sure, we all occasionally bicker within our families, but generally we are friends & respectful of each other’s decisions & life choices.

I hope you can find some peace & resolution with this, and that others chime in with advice.

Ty. At first, mom’s slips were accidental. I believe that Bc she called them on their behavior. Now, I think it’s her old age. She’s 80. She forgets things. And I think it’s her way of trying to bring us closer? Just last Friday she called to ask me if I was joining 2 of my siblings and their kids for lunch. I said that dd and I didn’t get the invite. She asked me to come along but I declined. I should mention there are multiple group chats. In one of them, later that day they sent each other texts, visible to me and dd, saying what a great time they had.

 

[Ally T]

Ty. At first, mom’s slips were accidental. I believe that Bc she called them on their behavior. Now, I think it’s her old age. She’s 80. She forgets things. And I think it’s her way of trying to bring us closer? Just last Friday she called to ask me if I was joining 2 of my siblings and their kids for lunch. I said that dd and I didn’t get the invite. She asked me to come along but I declined. I should mention there are multiple group chats. In one of them, later that day they sent each other texts, visible to me and dd, saying what a great time they had.

Urgh. This behaviour from your sisters is completely unacceptable & disgusting. I wonder what motivates them? Apologies also, as I didn’t mean to sound horrible about your mum - I was just putting it out there, but it does sound like she is trying to involve you more. The whole thing feels unpleasant for you & I hope you manage to unravel it.

 

[Tekate]

@nala my best friend said to me one time when my sister hurt me very much: "Kate, would you choose her to be a friend?" NOPE. We worked things out 'somewhat' over the years b4 she died but I could never effing figure her out and both of us were liberal. It's as though I were there just to serve her when she needed me. Otherwise she never even knew my kids names.

I just think I would advise you to just pull back, are you the youngest or oldest? I had several very good friends and now I have 2 who are like sisters to me, sometimes pains but they cared more about me than my sister ever did. I never gave up trying to get my sister to love me. It's hard and painful and never works.

When you say 'liberal' do you mean politically? if they are conservatives and you are a liberal then all I can say is don't say anything to them, my brother was an idiot trumpster b4 he died (actually he died in 15 so it was b4 trump but he would have been a trumpster - FOX WAS HIS NIRVANA!).. so I just said nada. nothingness. I loved him and took him in small doses and his wife is a racist and I'd rather cut my heart out than EVER speak to her again.. she's psycho. So ... ask yourself what they are adding to your life and do you want to be friends with them because you are family? why not just get together at the family get togethers and SMILE !high five and be the good person you are and just participate as you see fit. Nala if they aren't telling you stuff they think either you can't handle it, you'll tell them what to do, or they just don't want to share with you.. all suck. Your mom is in the middle. I'd tell my mom if she were here, don't tell me anything about what she is doing etc. I wanted my mom's full attention as I think your mom should give you hers.

It hurts, this whole shebang hurts Nala, cause no matter what, we question ourselves on WHY our sisters or bros do these things.

Peace girl..

 

[Matata]

I've always met problems head on with succinct communication. If I were in your situation, I would meet with them and have a frank discussion about why you feel they are so inconsiderate to you and use the word "inconsiderate" or a variation thereof. Prepare yourself to hear things that may hurt you. Try to reach some level of understanding and compromise between their reality and yours -- the goal is to recognize where everyone stands and what they understand and for each to acknowledge and accept responsibility for errors in judgment, not to live in each others' version of reality. The best I would hope for in this situation is to understand and accept their motives. After that if things didn't improve, I would not waste my time trying to be close to people who won't evolve.

I don't know the details about your upbringing but the first place my mind went is that perhaps you, as the youngest, might have received some types of treatment growing up that they resent. Wouldn't be surprised if only one or two of the others have issues (bully types) and the other one or two are followers.

 

[luv2sparkle]

Nala, I have siblings 20 years older than me,in fact, every one of them has a child a bit older than me. My whole growing up life, I felt like they were irritated me me and I could never figure out why. My brothers said the rudest things to my husband about me. Like ‘don’t let her have any money and only keep enough gas in the car so she can get to the hospital’. I could go on and on. Total jerks. About 10 years ago, I just decided I wanted nothing more to do with any of them and haven’t had a contact. Recently, a sister in law left a message on my phone. I have always liked her but I didn’t respond back. What is the point? It’s not like all of a sudden they want to have a relationship with me. I have never been sorry I let go of all the drama. It’s harder when your mom is alive, because most mom’s want their kids to have a good relationship. I didn’t stop contact until my mom passed.

My family is all very liberal and that is fine. That kind of stuff doesn’t bother me a whit. We don’t have to agree for me to love you or spend time with you. Some people it really bothers but I don’t get it.

If these relationships with your sisters are causing you stress, pain and hurt feelings, let go of the as much as you can now. I think every family has some issues, my husbands does too. Some issues you can just let go of and work around, others you need to just flat walk away from. A number of us on PS have families like that. There is such a feeling of freedom that comes from walking away from toxic people. I highly recommend it!

 

[Arcadian]

Gosh. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You can't pick who you're related to, but you sure as hell can pick you you associate with. They've decided they don't want to associate with you. Instead of being hurt, do you and live your best life.

Listen, I love my siblings, really do. I don't always like them and I let them know exactly that According to my mother more than one is jealous. Why I have no idea. but hey whatever.

And maybe you should tell your mother you really don't want to hear it. I've had to do it because it had to be done. I said "mom with all due respect, I don't want to hear that shit". Then I changed the subject.

The older I get, the less I want to associate with anymore that puts me down. You can't man or woman up be straight? Wanna say shit behind my back? Family or not I don't wanna know you. In fact, will say as much. Best phrase in the world "I don't know her" I've more than once put folks on blast. Yep and no regrets!

You cannot force people to like you and want to be around you. You cannot force people to love you. All I can say is don't allow them to continue to steal your joy and your life. If necessary take a hiatus, see a therapist, get your head on straight. Or you confront it straight on and let them pout and give you silent treatment. But you need to settle this because it will turn your life into hell.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. You asked for perspective and I'd say: no, I don't think this is OK. It's hurtful and it seems to be more stressful than anything for you.
I know that it's really complicated because you want to do the right thing for your dd. Also you seem to care about your elderly mom's position in the midst of this. Otherwise I have the feeling you'd drastically diminish contact....

I have a Mil with narcissistic tendencies. She not a full blown example of the species, but recently it has gotten very hurtful and I didn't like the way it played on my children. I decided to not confront any of this, since she clearly isn't able/willing to self reflect at all.
I think this would be my first step : do you think that a straight talk would be of any use? Are you prepared to go no contact as a consequence (I'm just mentioning this because you said they will do this as a punishment) ?
In my case I just thought wth, I'll work with her character and she is self centered enough to not even notice the change. I have scaled back the visits while staying polite. I have figured out which situations are most bearable (1-5 hour visits, no overnight). I check on her regularly via messages and ask her how she is. It's working well for now, but I do understand that my emotional attachment is different to yours since it's not my own side of the family.
It's just really annoying to see your children getting dragged into stuff like this... So it's an option to just quietly and politely check out of the dynamics of a hurtful relationship without drama.
I'll still encourage my children to have good contact with them, but I watch like a hawk that they don't emotionally hurt them.

 

[nala]

I wish I could reply to each of you individually right now but Ty for reaching out.
I characterized myself as liberal and non judgey, meaning that I am open minded as well as a political liberal,but it’s not the politics that separate us. Also. I am the youngest.

I want to add that I also believe in being direct when an issue arises. That is in fact what has taken me to this point. I have been open with them about my feelings and they have responded by shutting me out. That’s why I ask if this is normal. If being direct is supposed to cause so much drama.

 

[JPie]

I want to add that I also believe in being direct when an issue arises. That is in fact what has taken me to this point. I have been open with them about my feelings and they have responded by shutting me out. That’s why I ask if this is normal. If being direct is supposed to cause so much drama.

It’s not normal. Either they’re shutting you out because they don’t want to deal with what you said, or they’re punishing you for speaking up for yourself and your daughter.

Regardless, I think the better question to ask is what you’re getting out of this and if that’s worth the drama.

 

[paperunicorn]

Hi nala, first off I want to say that I do not have a good relationship with my sister and I empathize with you totally. I'm going to say that when I moved 11 hours away from her and have sporadic contact only, things got a lot better. I've realized that it's just better for me if my sister and I don't have a close relationship. I'm also very close with my mom, and my mom complains a lot about her to me, because I am one of the only people she can vent to. I understand how it would feel to be conflicted about being lied to -- my sister has a dishonesty problem as well -- and unsure what your mom's motives are. Honestly, you do not owe your sisters or their children anything. Do what you feel is best for yourself and for your DD. Real families support and love us, and sometimes as adults that means our "family" is our friends and not our biological relatives. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Indylady]

Families are all a little idiosyncratic at best. Could it be that they are insecure about the issues they want to hide from you?

For the complicated folks in my own family, I do a version of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’. For the complicated folks, I don’t take anything personally, I limit my contact to what’s necessary, and express love the best I can even when folks are difficult. As for ‘living in their reality’, I just don’t, and let those family members go on presenting themselves the way they want. If it doesn’t affect me directly, and for me it usually doesn’t, I just don’t care and let it go.

If these interactions are traumatic for you or really troubling for you or your kiddos, I’d limit contact and just do things on your own way and keep in touch just to the extent you want—make everything on your terms and try not to mind the rest.

 

[LinSF]

@nala, I am one of four girls, there is an age range of 9 years between us. We haven't always been best friends, but I truly love them and my mother has been the glue to keep us together and communicating. All four of us have extremely different personalities, and there have been times where I have had to be super direct about the same sort of thing, secrets and exclusion. The difference is that they've responded with love and it wasnt intentional.

Your siblings sound very intentional, because it sounds like you've addressed the issues over and over. It's not supposed to be that hard, but I find that communicating with people that have poor communication skills and low self esteem/worth is more challenging than it's sometimes worth. Ultimately I can sense that your mother is trying hard to keep her family together (bless her! Its hard!) And sees how mean they are being. Have you ever considered a family "conference" to get things out in the open? Who knows what sort of resentment they may be harboring without your knowledge. We've done this, its painful but usually helps and gets everything out in the open.

 

[nala]

@nala my best friend said to me one time when my sister hurt me very much: "Kate, would you choose her to be a friend?" NOPE. We worked things out 'somewhat' over the years b4 she died but I could never effing figure her out and both of us were liberal. It's as though I were there just to serve her when she needed me. Otherwise she never even knew my kids names.

I just think I would advise you to just pull back, are you the youngest or oldest? I had several very good friends and now I have 2 who are like sisters to me, sometimes pains but they cared more about me than my sister ever did. I never gave up trying to get my sister to love me. It's hard and painful and never works.

When you say 'liberal' do you mean politically? if they are conservatives and you are a liberal then all I can say is don't say anything to them, my brother was an idiot trumpster b4 he died (actually he died in 15 so it was b4 trump but he would have been a trumpster - FOX WAS HIS NIRVANA!).. so I just said nada. nothingness. I loved him and took him in small doses and his wife is a racist and I'd rather cut my heart out than EVER speak to her again.. she's psycho. So ... ask yourself what they are adding to your life and do you want to be friends with them because you are family? why not just get together at the family get togethers and SMILE !high five and be the good person you are and just participate as you see fit. Nala if they aren't telling you stuff they think either you can't handle it, you'll tell them what to do, or they just don't want to share with you.. all suck. Your mom is in the middle. I'd tell my mom if she were here, don't tell me anything about what she is doing etc. I wanted my mom's full attention as I think your mom should give you hers.

It hurts, this whole shebang hurts Nala, cause no matter what, we question ourselves on WHY our sisters or bros do these things.

Peace girl..

Thank you. I’m Sorry about your brother. To answer your other questions, no I would not seek them out as friends. For the past year I have been enduring them at family get togethers for the sake of my mom, but this past holiday season was especially hard given all the bullshit that I had to pretend not to know about. I can’t even answer your question about what they add to my life. Not after this past year.

 

[nala]

I've always met problems head on with succinct communication. If I were in your situation, I would meet with them and have a frank discussion about why you feel they are so inconsiderate to you and use the word "inconsiderate" or a variation thereof. Prepare yourself to hear things that may hurt you. Try to reach some level of understanding and compromise between their reality and yours -- the goal is to recognize where everyone stands and what they understand and for each to acknowledge and accept responsibility for errors in judgment, not to live in each others' version of reality. The best I would hope for in this situation is to understand and accept their motives. After that if things didn't improve, I would not waste my time trying to be close to people who won't evolve.

I don't know the details about your upbringing but the first place my mind went is that perhaps you, as the youngest, might have received some types of treatment growing up that they resent. Wouldn't be surprised if only one or two of the others have issues (bully types) and the other one or two are followers.

Ty. I wish that I could single out one or two bullies but the sad truth is that none of them will stand by me anytime we have an issue. And they all equally exclude me.

 

[nala]

Nala, I have siblings 20 years older than me,in fact, every one of them has a child a bit older than me. My whole growing up life, I felt like they were irritated me me and I could never figure out why. My brothers said the rudest things to my husband about me. Like ‘don’t let her have any money and only keep enough gas in the car so she can get to the hospital’. I could go on and on. Total jerks. About 10 years ago, I just decided I wanted nothing more to do with any of them and haven’t had a contact. Recently, a sister in law left a message on my phone. I have always liked her but I didn’t respond back. What is the point? It’s not like all of a sudden they want to have a relationship with me. I have never been sorry I let go of all the drama. It’s harder when your mom is alive, because most mom’s want their kids to have a good relationship. I didn’t stop contact until my mom passed.

My family is all very liberal and that is fine. That kind of stuff doesn’t bother me a whit. We don’t have to agree for me to love you or spend time with you. Some people it really bothers but I don’t get it.

If these relationships with your sisters are causing you stress, pain and hurt feelings, let go of the as much as you can now. I think every family has some issues, my husbands does too. Some issues you can just let go of and work around, others you need to just flat walk away from. A number of us on PS have families like that. There is such a feeling of freedom that comes from walking away from toxic people. I highly recommend it!

I’m sorry to hear about your experience. You are strong to move on. And believe me, I do contemplate this option. But as long as my mom is alive, I don’t want to take this route. In the meantime, I am going to take steps to limit my interactions with them.

 

[nala]

Gosh. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You can't pick who you're related to, but you sure as hell can pick you you associate with. They've decided they don't want to associate with you. Instead of being hurt, do you and live your best life.

Listen, I love my siblings, really do. I don't always like them and I let them know exactly that According to my mother more than one is jealous. Why I have no idea. but hey whatever.

And maybe you should tell your mother you really don't want to hear it. I've had to do it because it had to be done. I said "mom with all due respect, I don't want to hear that shit". Then I changed the subject.

The older I get, the less I want to associate with anymore that puts me down. You can't man or woman up be straight? Wanna say shit behind my back? Family or not I don't wanna know you. In fact, will say as much. Best phrase in the world "I don't know her" I've more than once put folks on blast. Yep and no regrets!

You cannot force people to like you and want to be around you. You cannot force people to love you. All I can say is don't allow them to continue to steal your joy and your life. If necessary take a hiatus, see a therapist, get your head on straight. Or you confront it straight on and let them pout and give you silent treatment. But you need to settle this because it will turn your life into hell.

Yes to all of this! I am coming to the realization that they don’t love me. Or rather, I’m back to that realization Bc deep down i always knew it. I also think that what bothers them the most is the fact that I have directly addressed our issues. Sincerity really makes them uncomfortable and they retreat into the silent treatment.

 

[nala]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. You asked for perspective and I'd say: no, I don't think this is OK. It's hurtful and it seems to be more stressful than anything for you.
I know that it's really complicated because you want to do the right thing for your dd. Also you seem to care about your elderly mom's position in the midst of this. Otherwise I have the feeling you'd drastically diminish contact....

I have a Mil with narcissistic tendencies. She not a full blown example of the species, but recently it has gotten very hurtful and I didn't like the way it played on my children. I decided to not confront any of this, since she clearly isn't able/willing to self reflect at all.
I think this would be my first step : do you think that a straight talk would be of any use? Are you prepared to go no contact as a consequence (I'm just mentioning this because you said they will do this as a punishment) ?
In my case I just thought wth, I'll work with her character and she is self centered enough to not even notice the change. I have scaled back the visits while staying polite. I have figured out which situations are most bearable (1-5 hour visits, no overnight). I check on her regularly via messages and ask her how she is. It's working well for now, but I do understand that my emotional attachment is different to yours since it's not my own side of the family.
It's just really annoying to see your children getting dragged into stuff like this... So it's an option to just quietly and politely check out of the dynamics of a hurtful relationship without drama.
I'll still encourage my children to have good contact with them, but I watch like a hawk that they don't emotionally hurt them.

Thank you for your insight. Like you, I will have to strategize around their character flaws. Lol. I like that approach. Sorry you have to deal with that but you sound very savvy.

 

[nala]

It’s not normal. Either they’re shutting you out because they don’t want to deal with what you said, or they’re punishing you for speaking up for yourself and your daughter.

Regardless, I think the better question to ask is what you’re getting out of this and if that’s worth the drama.

Exactly. Been debating this for a while and all I conclude is that I’m keeping the peace for the sake of my elderly mother.

 

[nala]

Hi nala, first off I want to say that I do not have a good relationship with my sister and I empathize with you totally. I'm going to say that when I moved 11 hours away from her and have sporadic contact only, things got a lot better. I've realized that it's just better for me if my sister and I don't have a close relationship. I'm also very close with my mom, and my mom complains a lot about her to me, because I am one of the only people she can vent to. I understand how it would feel to be conflicted about being lied to -- my sister has a dishonesty problem as well -- and unsure what your mom's motives are. Honestly, you do not owe your sisters or their children anything. Do what you feel is best for yourself and for your DD. Real families support and love us, and sometimes as adults that means our "family" is our friends and not our biological relatives. I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you. I’m sorry about your sister but you sound very confident about your choice to keep her at a distance. Maybe this is the best that I can hope for.

 

[paperunicorn]

Thank you. I’m sorry about your sister but you sound very confident about your choice to keep her at a distance. Maybe this is the best that I can hope for.

It's been over a decade since I've lived away from her and the times we've been together for more than a few days have gone poorly. But I definitely still do regret that we don't get along better, and hope maybe in the far future we will. I'm always envious of people who are close with their sisters, but I try to keep it in perspective since I'm very fortunate to have a good relationship with my mother and many people don't have that.

 

[nala]

Families are all a little idiosyncratic at best. Could it be that they are insecure about the issues they want to hide from you?

For the complicated folks in my own family, I do a version of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’. For the complicated folks, I don’t take anything personally, I limit my contact to what’s necessary, and express love the best I can even when folks are difficult. As for ‘living in their reality’, I just don’t, and let those family members go on presenting themselves the way they want. If it doesn’t affect me directly, and for me it usually doesn’t, I just don’t care and let it go.

If these interactions are traumatic for you or really troubling for you or your kiddos, I’d limit contact and just do things on your own way and keep in touch just to the extent you want—make everything on your terms and try not to mind the rest.

The thing is that their delusions affect me because I don’t know when they are lying.Example: I’m a teacher. One of my nieces graduated in June and her mom announced that she was going to start the teaching credential program. Naturally I was excited! When I congratulated niece and wanted to know about her student teaching, especially Bc we live in the same city, she blew me off. Straight out made an excuse to leave. Strange I thought. Come to find out, months later, she wasn’t even in the program! I can only imagine what she thought!

Another example that affects me Bc I still care about them. One of my sisters was worried sick about being diagnosed with a condition. She confided in all of us and asked us for support. I’d like to think that I gave her plenty to the point that I researched all of her options and guided her away from a huge mistake. I didn’t expect a thank you. But I did expect to hear that it all worked out. Except that she never bothered to tell me that everything worked. Told the rest. Told mom that she had told me. But she never did.

I could go on and on. And the reason their delusions affect me is Bc sadly, I still care about them.

 

[ringbling17]

Sometimes you have to decide when to cut your losses. If they are giving you more grief than they are giving you joy, then it’s time to let them go and take care of yourself. It’s self- preservation and self-love.
I always had issues with certain family members and friends and over the years I decided that enough was enough. I decided it was better for my mental health and my children’s, to have as little interaction as possible.
And you know what, I am much more happy. I don’t have to worry or complain about them and there is no more drama in my life. Since cutting them loose I am less anxious and less depressed. I’m no longer questioning what did I do wrong, or analyzing everything that was said or done. I still see them during family occasions, but I don’t have to talk to them.

 

[ringbling17]

 

[JPie]

I’m sorry you have to deal with this for your mother’s sake. I think that for you to keep them in your lives, it would help to accept the fact that your sisters are not capable of being the kind, loving people you want or need them to be. You can’t change how they treat you and your daughter, so you can only change how you respond to them. Don’t expect them to be better than they are and it’ll be harder for them to disappoint you.

 

[dk168]

I have not read any post in detail, however my sentiments about 'family' is that I was born with mine and did not choose them.
Just because I am blood related to them does not mean I have to like them.
I excommunicated my elder sister back in 2002. She had not spoken to my younger brother since 1989. She refused to attend my dad's funeral for whatever reason(s), would not see him before he died when she last saw him alive in 1989. She slated my mum in a multi-page letter after my dad died, effectively excommunicated her and the rest of my family. My mum knows she will not see her ever again and is upset about it.
Don't care, won't care about my sister as I cannot stand her. No love has lost between us. She put me down all the time whenever she could in the past.
I have the moral high ground in that I gave her a big chunk of my unexpected inheritance from my grandmother when she needed the money at my mum's request 30 years ago without seeing a single penny back or even a thank you. She owes me one and I owe her nothing.
Family is over-rated IMHO.

DK

 

[Austina]

Walk away @nala and don’t look back. I don’t want to go into details, other than to say, been there, done that, and it’s just not worth the stress, aggravation and hurt it causes to carry on the relationship with people who are supposed to love and care about you.

Honestly, best thing I did, I don’t miss them now that I know all the spiteful, bitchy things they said and did, whilst all the while accepting our hospitality on every occasion. It’s not a nice feeling knowing that your ‘family’ are jealous and resentful of everything you have and do.

 

[Matthews1127]

This is always difficult to deal with. Family can be so complicated, sometimes.
To answer your question: no. It’s not normal behavior, but seems to be more & more common, esp. among siblings.
I am one of 2 kids. My brother & I are 10 years apart. For decades, he had issues with me; took out a lot of his anger & frustration out on me. He had deep-rooted resentment toward me because of our parents & our upbringing. We had the same parents, but lived very different lives, during different phases & stages of their marriage/divorce/our father’s death.
The way he treated me weighed heavily on our mother, and all she wanted was for us to have a good relationship.
As I aged, and matured, slowly over time, he & I grew closer together. It was only after my son was born that things started to take a super positive turn between us.
While visiting him & his family, in 2013, he finally divulged everything, in a “coming to Jesus” moment, in front of my son, and explained why he had treated me so badly, earlier in life. It was a true confessions time that I had waited for my entire life. He apologized, and I cried...HARD. I thought I’d never hear those words from him....and it was so amazing to feel that weight just disappear.
He & I are closer than ever, and he has been an exceptional help, since our mother was diagnosed with ALZ. He lives across the country, so I do all the “heavy lifting”, but he is involved with everything, as I discuss decisions, and info with him.
Honestly, I agree with others above: toxic people have no place in my life, and I have cut plenty of family out of my life, as they do me no good to have them in my life or the lives of my children.
You have to decide what is best for you & your DD.
Best of luck & big hugs!!!

 

[missy]

I'm sorry you and your children are dealing with this awful behavior @nala.
I don't know what "normal" is anymore but the real question (in my mind) is if this is acceptable behavior and no it isn't.
Or at least I should clarify and say it wouldn't acceptable behavior to me and not to sound cavalier about it (because this is anything but that) but I wouldn't be OK with the way they are acting. Acting abysmally may I add.

So yeah not sure what to tell you what to do but what I would do is

1. heart to heart calling them out. In the nicest way you can of course because often how you say it is almost as important as what you say...delivery matters

and

2. if they dismiss what you say or make less of it than it is then you know that the relationship might just not be worth it (wouldn't be worth it to me but again there is no one right or wrong it is what works for you and your DD).

Sometimes we have to take a relationship and hold it at arms length and not have the deep close connection we wish we could.

Sometimes we accept less than a good relationship just to continue *some* relationship.

And often times we have to do that with family whereas we might not tolerate that kind of relationship with our friends.
Friends we choose while family we are often stuck with...depends on your tolerance and what you want from the relationship.

Sometimes any connection is worth holding onto whereas other times if it's just too toxic no matter how painful it is we should or need to let go.

Again I am very sorry this is happening to you and your kids Nala and I hope somehow you can work this out to your satisfaction. Remember put you and your DD first and take care of you. (((Hugs))).