Need some insight...I am at wits end over this! (Sorry--long)

[DonaBella]

My son got married May 29th of this year and as of last night, I hear that my newly married son, his new wife, and my oldest daughter, are launching an emotional ambush at me sometime soon after my son and his new wife return from their honeymoon. Needless to say, I am stunned, shocked, disappointed and so upset that my new daughter in law is part of the lynching crew.

It''s no secret to most of you who have read my previous threads that my oldest two kids (of 9 kids total) have a list of unresolved issues with me. I have worked with a family therapist and a personal therapist diligently in a concerted effort to improve me and my approach to day to day matters.

It has been tremendously helpful and I have felt a peace at what I have learned and am putting into practice...and now, this.

My son has been consistently making strides to keep me distanced, despite my efforts to improve us as mother and son and I have allowed things to just ride itself out for the sake of the wedding and other connected details. My oldest daughter has not been around very much and when she was, things have stayed rather civil, but the usual chilliness.

These two put my brother through a sort of inquisition on how I, his sister, became so selfish(because now I go to the gym, say "no" more often to their demands, dress more confidently and approach parenting to their younger siblings differently than I did to them---this list all came from the two oldest kids to my brother) and difficult to understand. He had no idea how much animosity they held against me until this discussion. My brother shared this with me out of love to me and felt it was only fair to warn me...so...later today with the reception open house we are hosting here, at my house, now I am expected to not reveal how hurt I feel???

I am in serious great need for insight. I plan to call my therapist asap, but I am just so emotionally devastated...I have REALLY, REALLY done EVERYTHING in my power to not give unsolicited advice, or get in anyone''s way or whatever because it was NOT my wedding. I respected them and now I have this waiting for me...

To add an additional layer of disappointment to this heap, yesterday when my son and I needed to switch vehicles so I could go with my dad to get the rented tables, chairs and linens for today''s event, I accidentally damaged the driver side door. The truck was parked in their appartment''s carport which is supported by poles...which, I did not see when I was backing out the truck until it was too late. I felt horrible and was so shook up that I had my father drive the rest of the time. I called my husband and he reassured me that even though that was terrible, that I was to remember that since we still own the truck, we can and will get it fixed at no cost to our son. I dreaded our son seeing the damage more than my hubby and I was right to feel that way. When my son saw the truck which I braced him for by telling him I planned on paying for what I did and that I felt horrible for the damage. Son was livid and held back words but it was obvious that he was steering mad. I told him I totally respected his disappointment and shock, but that I would do all I could to take care of it.

I am so very sorry to ramble but I am hurting in more ways than I can find words to describe...If you can, please help...

 

[Mara]

Deanna I didn't really read all of your previous threads but the jist for me when I did skim them previously is that your eldest kids are just plain acting like jerks!! They are so disrespectful of you as their mother. I don't know how it became like that, but honestly I would just distance myself from them. Why are you bending over backwards and eating yourself up over their issues? This is your life too. You did the best you could with raising them, now it's time for them to do their own thing. If they want to be asses about stuff, let them. Pull yourself out of the drama. I think eventually, especially as they have their own kids and see how hard it is to raise a family, that they will come to soften and realize just how horrible they have been and appreciate you more. It sounds to me like they are just plain selfish, demanding, expectant of you ... and to me that's unacceptable. They are adults now, not kids.

Seriously, I have no sympathy for your older children, the way you portray them. I would have told them a long time ago to stuff it or get out. To me it's the ultimate in disrespect for children to treat parents that way, especially considering sacrifices or similar that parents have made throughout their lives for the children. They may not AGREE with the parents, but acting out is childish. How ridiculous for them to approach your brother to tell him they are going to confront you 'after the honeymoon'...they had to know he would tell you and that this would eat you up for the next week or so. How considerate of them.

And lastly, try not to get so upset over this. IMO you HAVE to grow a thicker skin about these issues. They are not just going to stop or go away or get better anytime soon. Do you really need random people on an internet forum to tell you that your kids are acting like asses? I think you know it, but the issue is what are you going to do about it. Your kids probably see you as weak....they know that this upsets you continuously, and that they have power over you, and they probably take delight in it. Grow a thicker skin and put them out to pasture for a while. Cultivate your relationships with your kids you still have under your roof and have some influence on. I think eventually the miscreant children will figure out that they need a close family bond and a good relationship and come back to you....but to me you should not be putting out ALL THIS EFFORT and emotional angst when they seem to care less and only delight in causing more trouble. What is the point of working yourself into knots about this time and time again when obviously they don't care?

I know I am not their parent and I'm sure turning a blind eye to your children is harder done than said because all parents want to help their kids, see them succeed, etc...but really...this is ridiculous. I don't see your situation getting ANY better and your kids seem like they just need some time out on their own without you. They either figure it out or they don't. You have to take care of yourself and your husband and the kids that are still reliant on you.

 

[movie zombie]

ditto what Mara said and i have read most of your previous posts!

you own the truck and your husband is ok with fixing it but your son gets pissed?! the day he buys the truck from you and pays full value for it is the day he could be pissed for an accident! are you their slave? are you obligated to provide him with a truck? no!!!!

ok, now i''ve got that out of my system: enough is enough, my dear. you''ve admitted to not being a perfect parent....the world is full of them. you''ve tried to work with them to correct some things.....more than many parents do. move on: you owe it to your younger children.

your older kids need to grow up and move on and the only way they can do that is for you to kick them out of the nest and let them do it.

movie zombie

 

[DonaBella]

Mara, you are SO right!

I have being striving for and progressing moreso thanks largely to therapy, but, yes, I have to have a thicker skin as you put it and fast.

It was unfair for them to corner their uncle and yes, I am most certainly confident that they knew on some level he would speak to me. I have cried all the tears I am going to--at least for now--on this. They truly are clueless. I feel that part of the reason I became overcome with emotion on this was largely due to the fact that here we just came off of the high of a gorgeous and highly anticipated wedding...and then this.

I honestly love my new DIL and her family. I have enjoyed most of the time having family here from out of state, but I am reaching my fill of my MIL and BIL and am ready for them to go home now. Catering to them (my MIL is almost 80 and in failing health and has been at times cantankerous with her grandkids and BIL is a bonafide ass who has more excuses than any child I know for not helping) has drained me of patience. They leave on Monday and I am counting the hours. My MIL has more reasons for being the way she is, but it is challenging. BIL has no reasons for his behavior, only excuses. My DH is so apologetic and feels awful that his brother especially has been such a pain to me.

Mara, I have been working quite closely with my therapist to develop more of a "me" investment approach more than a "let me do for you first" mentality, which I have done for years and lost myself because of it. I have been happier because of it, too. I truly am.

For instance, I have a dear friend who is, well, much more tightly wound than I have ever been. Nonetheless, she is magnificent and I truly love her as a sister. Well, the dress I chose to wear to the wedding was more evening gown like than she feels comfortable in herself and she feels unnerved whenever I wear something that she views as revealing or sexy. I knew I was taking a risk by wearing this dress and having her see me. Why did I care? Because I mostly did not want a scene at the wedding about it. Yes, she saw me in it, proceeded to ask me where the rest of my clothes were and that was it! She later told me at the reception that as shocked as she was at my attire, that I looked amazing. She still was disapproving but she made peace with it.

What I just described may seem like nothing to you or others but it has taken at least 4 years for me to evolve to this level of me doing what I want, how I want, for the reasons I want and basically, to hell with whatever anyone else thinks.

This new found confidence is what has unearthed my older, unappreciative two kids. My daughter thinks I am in competition with her, which,...erh...could not be farther from the truth, so she adds that to her list of why she should be a b%tch to me. Ok. Whatever. I can still love people in my life that I strongly dislike...like I do her. She is uniquely different than me and yet so much the same. We both are stubborn, headstrong, passionate, and unyielding to pressure if we feel firmly about something. The biggest difference is she will go to the ends of the world and make her views and presence known and not give a crap who gets hurt along the way. I cannot and will not ever do that...its not me.

Son wants me to the same mom I was...submissive, no backbone, cooking, cleaning, serving and dressing very much like a mom and not a woman who is proud of who she is, where she has come from and is proud of her accomplishments---personal, family-wise and professional. He has mentioned to me that he is not sure about the mom he now sees and he is not sure he is comfortable with it. I nod in respect for his comments each and every time, then tell him he has every right to feel as he does, and so do I. I usually follow it with a comment that I am working to be better in every way and he doesn''t have to approve, but I love him nonetheless. This is where both he and his sister get frustrated with me because I WON''T engage in verbal pettiness.

Mara, your frankness is SO appreciated and I have echoed those sentiments to myself alot. It IS hard to be a parent and even harder with arrogant, stupid-a## adult kids who have no business trying to twist and warp my countenance. No...I will not allow them to be empowered and change my behavior this day or any other, but that doesn''t mean it isn''t excrucuatingly painful.

Hell, I am pissed off mad! I am using this info to fuel my state of where I am and not allowing them to change that. Stupid kids...they expect me to be a sobbing mess and that act is not in town!

I guess this is more of a vent than anything. Of course I appreciate hearing total strangers on the internet and their views. Doesn''t mean its bonafide counseling, but it lifts and validates my thinking and actions planned. That is the mere intent of me starting this thread...nothing more.

Remember, I do pay a therapist for the real therapy. I was just hoping for a little friendly support and maybe insight from someone else who has experienced something similar.

Thanks Mara, really. You are incredibly open and very real with your candor.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 6/3/2006 3:38:08 PM
Author: movie zombie
ditto what Mara said and i have read most of your previous posts!

you own the truck and your husband is ok with fixing it but your son gets pissed?! the day he buys the truck from you and pays full value for it is the day he could be pissed for an accident! are you their slave? are you obligated to provide him with a truck? no!!!!

ok, now i''ve got that out of my system: enough is enough, my dear. you''ve admitted to not being a perfect parent....the world is full of them. you''ve tried to work with them to correct some things.....more than many parents do. move on: you owe it to your younger children.

your older kids need to grow up and move on and the only way they can do that is for you to kick them out of the nest and let them do it.

movie zombie

Double ditto and very well said MZ!!! Time to move on, especially for the sake of your younger kids.

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 6/3/2006 3:38:08 PM
Author: movie zombie
ditto what Mara said and i have read most of your previous posts!

you own the truck and your husband is ok with fixing it but your son gets pissed?! the day he buys the truck from you and pays full value for it is the day he could be pissed for an accident! are you their slave? are you obligated to provide him with a truck? no!!!!

ok, now i''ve got that out of my system: enough is enough, my dear. you''ve admitted to not being a perfect parent....the world is full of them. you''ve tried to work with them to correct some things.....more than many parents do. move on: you owe it to your younger children.

your older kids need to grow up and move on and the only way they can do that is for you to kick them out of the nest and let them do it.

movie zombie

Thanks MZ!

I am DEFINITELY taking that approach! You have said pretty much what DH has said and that is that!

My other kids are where my energies are and will stay focused. After today''s lovely event with the open house, I am free and clear of doing or seeing any of them anytime soon.

Hasta la vista kids...

I know I am awesome as a mom for the most part and am doing what is right for me, their dad and the remaining kids at home.

I appreciate you underscoring Mara''s comments. I really am feeling better that I vented. Thanks!

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 6/3/2006 3:47:47 PM
Author: kaleigh

Date: 6/3/2006 3:38:08 PM
Author: movie zombie
ditto what Mara said and i have read most of your previous posts!

you own the truck and your husband is ok with fixing it but your son gets pissed?! the day he buys the truck from you and pays full value for it is the day he could be pissed for an accident! are you their slave? are you obligated to provide him with a truck? no!!!!

ok, now i''ve got that out of my system: enough is enough, my dear. you''ve admitted to not being a perfect parent....the world is full of them. you''ve tried to work with them to correct some things.....more than many parents do. move on: you owe it to your younger children.

your older kids need to grow up and move on and the only way they can do that is for you to kick them out of the nest and let them do it.

movie zombie

Double ditto and very well said MZ!!! Time to move on, especially for the sake of your younger kids.

Ok..ok...I totally 1000% agree...

My heart, my emotions, my focus is on the remaining 7 at home. Sorry I got caught up in the drama of it all...but you all are there to kick my butt a few times and clear the clouds...

thanks

 

[Mara]

Sorry for my blunt tone, Deanna but I got so frustrated when I read your post and it isn't even happening to ME. I'd be so mad (and sad of course because to me family comes first) but you just have to put a foot down, heck BOTH feet down. The first thing I thought of was that your kids needed a good spanking but obviously as adults that would not go over so well. It beyond upsets me when I see grown adults resenting their parents for change or for being different or for DARING to have some time and thoughts for themselves. Where did that sense of entitlement come from and honestly the world will be a HARSH AWAKENING when they realize that not everything revolves around them. I could go and on but anyway I hope that you can take something from what I said..I am sure it is hard (I go through this with my Mother too...as my middle sister is kind of a bit of a spoiled brat and my Mom ALWAYS wants to do for her and I am always trying to be the voice of reason telling her the same stuff, aka don't let her walk on you, don't let her take advantage of you...so I see how hard it is for a parent to step back from an overly demanding child, can't imagine two or three of them!!) but you just HAVE to do it and think of yourself, your husband, your other kids too. I really do believe that people don't know what they have got til it's gone and especially true for family. Let them feel some reality.

 

[DonaBella]

Mara,

I sincerely wish to convey my appreciation for people like you...Through other people''s views, one can choose to take a minute and reevaluate or they can choose to be offended. I asked for you and others to comment and that is what I received. I thoroughly appreciate it.

I get antsy and edgy when I see things happening to others that is so obvious to me but not them. I want to throttle them back to their senses, but now that I have been there for awhile, I still get impatient while viewing others being blinded, but I have more understanding.

You are SO right about appreciating later what we do not appreciate now. And I know that is what will happen to them. That is part of the metamorphisis of the who I am becoming. I think today''s emotional whatever was pretty shortlived and I do not anticipate a meltdown anytime soon.

See, in the past, this kind of drama would have been stretched out for who knows how long. I am at a place where quite frankly i am sticking up for me and if it lands on someone as selfishness, well, then so be it. I spent my 20''s and 30''s giving a sh45 about others thought of me and it ruled my days...and I was miserable. Had to have the perfectly decorated house, the best minded kids, needed to be seen as the most put together mom...Trust me, it gets old and no one really cares.

Now, at 46, I am still rearing kids, but I am investing more in me and the younger ones are reaping the benefits. My 16 year old is still struggling with his ADD but he is progressing in personal growth. He has more friends, he has more interest in trying to do good in school and is more sensitive to others feelings. That''s huge to me. My 17 year old graduates highschool this year and is in good health. He was born with a severe kidney problem that required 3 surgeries and now he is healthy and graduating. How amazing is that???

My folks came out for the wedding and the issues that divided us last summer are past, gone, and no more. Being with them, them being with us is what matters. Since my mom is ill with a form of dementia and has more and more moments of loss of being lucid, I am cherishing every moment. THAT is what is important.

Again...thank you most sincerely...

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 6/3/2006 3:55:52 PM
Author: Mara
Sorry for my blunt tone, Deanna but I got so frustrated when I read your post and it isn''t even happening to ME. I''d be so mad (and sad of course because to me family comes first) but you just have to put a foot down, heck BOTH feet down. The first thing I thought of was that your kids needed a good spanking but obviously as adults that would not go over so well. It beyond upsets me when I see grown adults resenting their parents for change or for being different or for DARING to have some time and thoughts for themselves. Where did that sense of entitlement come from and honestly the world will be a HARSH AWAKENING when they realize that not everything revolves around them. I could go and on but anyway I hope that you can take something from what I said..I am sure it is hard (I go through this with my Mother too...as my middle sister is kind of a bit of a spoiled brat and my Mom ALWAYS wants to do for her and I am always trying to be the voice of reason telling her the same stuff, aka don''t let her walk on you, don''t let her take advantage of you...so I see how hard it is for a parent to step back from an overly demanding child, can''t imagine two or three of them!!) but you just HAVE to do it and think of yourself, your husband, your other kids too. I really do believe that people don''t know what they have got til it''s gone and especially true for family. Let them feel some reality.

I love your comment about reality...seriously, for them, reality is about really kick in and reality bites!!!

It is also not for wimps...

Of course I have weaknesses, but I also have strengths and one of those is determination. I am determined to be strong...for my DH, my other kids who truly love me and need me...and mostly for me...

 

[movie zombie]

persoanlly, i''m not sorry for being blunt......and perhaps being blunt is what these ''kids'' need.

its one thing to try and respect their feelings and be understanding but sometimes a woman just isn''t heard until she ''tells it like it is''.......

movie zombie

 

[MINE!!]

********HUGS******** ********HUGS********** ***********HUGS***********

 

[Linda W]

I agree with MINE, Lots of HUGS to you.

I know with my 34 year old daughter, if I do something she doesn''t like, she will go a week or more, without speaking to me. My hubby has a fit.

It used to really bother me. Now, I know that is the way she is and she will never change. Eventually she comes around. She is married with kids too.

Deanna, I know it bothers you, but you have to live for yourself now. They are grown kids and they should know better. If they are going to act like that, let them. Eventually they will come around. If you are like me, you will make yourself sick over it. Please learn to let it roll off your back. I know it is easier said than done. It has worked for me. I hope this helps you a little bit.

Hugs to you,
Linda

 

[firebirdgold]

Ok, so all your kids are alive, none of them are addicted to drugs or alcohol, or are criminals. The older ones are not so screwed up that it impacts their ability to have successful relationships and careers. (everyone's at least a little screwed up these days.

). The younger ones look to be on their way to being relatively happy adults capable of handling life.
Hey, sounds to me like you've been (and are still) a successful parent.

Your kids have no right to treat you like this! And the thing with the truck just burns me up! It's your truck that you're being gracious enough to let him use!

If you fell down in any area as a parent, it's that you have kids with no sense of gratitude.

All I can say is that I hope they're in their early twenties. For some people that can be a period of extreme self-centeredness and difficulty dealing with the residual authority of one's parents. It usual wears off.

I'm coming from the kid side, and I still think your two eldest kids are seriously out of line! Despite the occasional fantasy involving horse-sized doses of valium or cliffs, and despite sometimes yelling at her to back off, at the end of the day I always make sure my mother knows how much I love her and how much I value her. And I'm always properly grateful for all the things she does for me. (now if she'd only do a few less things...

)

A parting thought. People are born with their personalities intact. Think of it this way, I have a friend who is incredibly sweet, thoughtful, generous, and kind. Her entire family is a bunch of greedy, back-stabbing, manipulative, selfish jerks. (unbelievable bad people). Her parents certainly are not responsible for how well she turned out. Just like that, parents are not responsible if their kids turn out to be selfish jerks.

 

[diamondfan]

Deanna, I do not know much about you or your situation but have always thought you seemed lovely and very loving towards your kids. Of course I do not know all the details of the past.

Not to justify their actions (nasty) but kids especially do not like always like change, and you are changing (for your health and within YOUR rights to) and it is not easy for them to take.

After have 9 kids and making many sacrifices I am sure, you are more than entitled to focus on you. My husband has a saying, When Mommy is happy, everyone is happy". Sounds like your daughter might be threatened by your emergence from servitude. You could always be counted on to be the whipping boy, and now you are casting that aside. The fact that she thinks you are in competetion with her tells me A: she is threatened by the new you and B: she is projecting her feelings onto you.

I do not know what is at the root of their actions (I have not seen your posts where you discuss it) but can only tell you the ambush by them seems totally unwarranted.

You have done tons in the last years for all of them. They need to see you are a person, not someone attached to a mop and washing machine, and they should be thrilled, in this short time we have on this earth, that you are finally finding some place for you as Deanna, not just as their mom.

I do not know what your husband thinks about this. I know if I owned the truck my kid drove and I acknowledge the accident and assumed full financial responsibilty for it, I would not under any circumstances expect a tantrum from an adult child. If he is old enough to marry he is old enough to get this. Cars get dings etc, and you own and are planning to pay to fix it. Discussion over. No need for abuse over this, it is not a hit and run, nor did YOU do it to HIS truck and refuse to fix it. Methinks the older two might be having issues growing up and being THEIR own people.

As to you being different all these years later as a parent, well, DUH. People grow and evolve...you are NOT the same person you were all those years ago. We are constantly changing, even slightly, that is the nature of life, and again, though it is sometimes comforting to think that our parents will always be there sitting for us, life does move along and kids need to face that too...just as a mom has to face and be promoting the notion that her kids will grow up and leave to live their lives...it''s like we are borrowing them to rear them and launch them to be prepared for life away from us.

Some people are toxic and no matter what you do they do not behave. When this happens we need to be able to see it is not OUR fault and not take abuse or feel guilt. Also, sometimes, the past is over and to heal we need to admit our part in any issues and be able to move on. Sounds like they are a bit stuck. It must be awful to feel this imminent after all you have done, and I would make sure you have some support around YOU...I am hoping you are okay, but how could you be?

 

[Madam Bijoux]

I think it's time for some tough love. No more nice mom. Don't let your children (or anybody else, for that matter) turn you into their psychological door mat or punching bag. I would tell them point blank that you did the best you could in raising them and they are adults now. If they resent you or are angry at you for whatever reasons, it is their problem, not yours, and you haven't the time or the inclination to deal with it any more. If they don't like the way you're trying to change your life and they feel that badly about you, they are free to stay away.

And here's what I would say about the truck:

"I own the truck. I had the accident. You're angry that I had an accident with my truck? That's too bad. If you don't like it, get your arse to work and buy yourself your very own truck."

Sadly, some people will always try to bully, manipulate and belittle family members until they are confronted and told to where to get off in no uncertain terms.

 

[cnspotts]

Date: 6/4/2006 3:12:50 AM
Author: IndieJones
Ok, so all your kids are alive, none of them are addicted to drugs or alcohol, or are criminals. The older ones are not so screwed up that it impacts their ability to have successful relationships and careers. (everyone''s at least a little screwed up these days.

). The younger ones look to be on their way to being relatively happy adults capable of handling life.
Hey, sounds to me like you''ve been (and are still) a successful parent.

I completely agree here!

I know it''s hard not to feel hurt, I''ve followed some of your posts DB, always your thoughts are well put together. I''m sorry that the kids are about to do this to you. You''re children are lucky to have you as their mom, you''ve been incredibly sucessful as a parent. They need to move on with THEIR lives and let you enjoy yours whatever that includes for you. I always tell people that land on my massage table that are feeling induldgent or guilty about their "me" time that they DESERVE it, it''s an investment in themselves. Good grief, how can we "mothers" take care of anyone else when we spend so much of our time, energy & money taking care of everyone else''s needs first. So continue to take care of your personal & emotional needs, do things that seem a bit out of character, frivolous and induldgent and enjoy every minute of it. You don''t owe anyone an explanation.

How they handle the NEW YOU is their problem not yours, so let them rant, be gracious then walk away from it. That should leave them with their mouths hanging open.

 

[Mara]

hhehe i had a great idea deanna for when they try to confront you. say ''i''ve been expecting you but unfortunately i have a deeply selfish, indulgent massage to run to, so i lined up someone who can listen to everything you have to say with an unbiased ear!'' and then put a huge stuffed teddy bear in front of them. tell them ''have at it, this guy is very good at listening!'' and then jet off.

 

[diamondfan]

mara, that is too much! Yes, say, Oh, really? I would be sorry to hear that but seeing as I am so selfish and such a terrible mother, as evidenced by how awful YOU guys turned out, I am not going to listen!!!

But really, not to minimize Deanna''s pain, just trying to be silly and inject some humor into things!! GOOD LUCK and be strong, I am sure you have done a ton of incredibly selfless things over the years as all mom''s do...and you do not have to defend yourself against unreasonable attacks!

 

[dbgaap]

Oh Deanna! How awful for you! I am so sorry you are taking the brunt of these kids'' anger! I agree with the suggestion that it is time for Tough Love.
That is actually a book - I had to buy it shortly after I got married in Jan 2005. By summertime my 18-year-old was home from college and ... well, let''s just say I was in the same emotional place you sound like in your post.
I literally kicked her out of the house (thank God I had my ex-husband standing by to take her in- I actually called him first to warn him).
I thought I might actually never recover from the emotional battering and the sense of loss that I was kicking my precious child out of my home.

Here is the thing- it is now one year later and it''s like a whole new situation. It shook her up and she came to her senses. It took about 3 months to fully fade, but we have a much more positve and mature relationship now- and it''s hard to imagine she was ever so ungrateful.

I am just trying to give you some hope that things can change a LOT in just a few months, even.
But the important thing, the REALLY IMPORTANT THING, is to stake your place and don''t budge. Do whatever is the equivalent of kicking them out. It might feel like you are breaking your heart, but YOUR SANITY comes first! Your emotional stability comes first!

I LOVE Mara & MZ & all the posts with the big fat dose of validation for you.
If you can find the strength to dose ''em with some seriously tough love, you WILL get that nice thick skin you need!
Take care, sweetie!
Robin

 

[DonaBella]

First of all, to Mara...I LOVE YOU!!!

You are an amazingly, candidly blunt person who I seriously wish I could hug right now!!! OMG! I almost peed my pants reading your post!

I have access to a gigantic teddy bear at my flower shop and I am going to go get one tonight! I am totally serious!!! That is the best suggestion and truthful one at that...

I was away from here for that past couple of days due to tons of family staying in my home so i am glad to have 3/4 of them gone...ooh, that sounds bad, huh? I mean I love them but my snoring BIL is really getting to me and cooking for 3 families besides my own is wearing out and BIL is not helping at all and my DH is embarrassed as hell.

Anyhoo...The responses here have absolutely healing to me...Basically, I have been so uplifted and felt so empowered after reading the other days responses and my brother who is the uncle that was bombarded by the two "adult" kids, felt really bad that he had to tell me something so sordid, but relieved to do so as well. I felt horrible for him to be caught in the middle, but he reassured me that--like so many of you have said or thought--they KNEW he''d tell me so...whatever.

I DID NOT allow this "news" to take away ANYTHING from me enjoying my other family members, or the open house or anything. Quite honestly, I forgot about it and sincerely happy....isn''t that just the best???!!!

The open house was fine and the food was superb that I had catered in. The cake was perfect and looked amazing. As soon as I get my younger son(who is 19 and knows how to download pics here)to help me, I will have some beautiful pics for all of you. You all gave me support and nudges in the right direction that freed me up to enjoy the day so I owe you that if not more.

People gave some of the gifts off of their registry as well as grocery gift cards--which I think is sensible--entertainment gift cards, which is always appreciated on tight college student budgets, and also cash...so that part was fabulous, but what really made this evening work--for me--was the calm, the peace internally I felt and still feel.

THAT came from my personal realization, theraputic suggestions from my therapist in the past of how to work through crap like this, and all of you.

I prefer your upfront candor and bluntness than my tendency to sugarcoat advice. I have a tendency to fear offending someone so more times than not, I don''t say what I want to the way it should be and those times I do, it comes out too sharp and then I am seen as a bitch.

I AM making me a massage appointment...and you know how I am paying for it? With the gift card that was given only to my husband at Christmas by our eldest child and 1st daughter. She gave it to him and he was offended about that so he handed it over to me. I did not insist on this, but now I get to redeem the blessing of it.

I AM going to continue to improve me. I AM determined to make sure I am taken care of because I am a better mom, a nicer person to be around, more energetic, and just plain better all the way around.

My folks and I had had an issue to work through and because of some new approaches I have made a part of me for several months now, we were blessed with a joyous time with their stay while they visited here in So. CA for my son''s wedding. I feel so priviledged to have had that time with them and they said they felt the same. Is everything perfect now? No, but now are talking and wanting to make communication work....its mutual. I can''t say its been a joy with DH''s family here, but I am handling it as best as one can and they leave tomorrow so it will be fine.

Just thought you might like to know. I am going to address other peoples'' posts now...

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 6/3/2006 4:40:36 PM
Author: movie zombie
persoanlly, i''m not sorry for being blunt......and perhaps being blunt is what these ''kids'' need.

its one thing to try and respect their feelings and be understanding but sometimes a woman just isn''t heard until she ''tells it like it is''.......

movie zombie

AMEN!

My bluntness is coming and I am pondering more before I say what I need to say and it is hitting the mark more now. With DH, if I am not blunt and obvious enough, nothing happens or is heard so I am practicing daily...thanks so much!

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 6/3/2006 9:15:38 PM
Author: MINE!!
********HUGS******** ********HUGS********** ***********HUGS***********

Oh, How sweet and thoughtful!!!

HUGS right back to you!!!

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 6/3/2006 11:40:29 PM
Author: Linda W
I agree with MINE, Lots of HUGS to you.

I know with my 34 year old daughter, if I do something she doesn''t like, she will go a week or more, without speaking to me. My hubby has a fit.

It used to really bother me. Now, I know that is the way she is and she will never change. Eventually she comes around. She is married with kids too.

Deanna, I know it bothers you, but you have to live for yourself now. They are grown kids and they should know better. If they are going to act like that, let them. Eventually they will come around. If you are like me, you will make yourself sick over it. Please learn to let it roll off your back. I know it is easier said than done. It has worked for me. I hope this helps you a little bit.

Hugs to you,
Linda

Linda, thank you for sharing...You are more correct than you know about the grown kids knowing better. Unfortunately, the way I am headed right now, my focus is so much more on the other respectful kids that when they do decide to come around as you mentioned, I am not sure how I will respond. My therapist has cautioned me about becoming indifferent because of how abusive--her word--they have continuously been to me for SO long.

In the not to distant past, I DID allow them to get me sick, but not since about after Christmas have I fell victim to that anymore. You see, because of how I am choosing to NOT get riled up physically in front of them, they are viewing this as arrogance and telling anyone who will listen that. I am giving them the option to see me cry anymore in their presence or yell or scream...at least in front of them and they see this as selfishness and arrogance. I continue moving forward and it is majorly unsettling to them.

And after Mara''s suggestion with the teddy bear--which I am seriously going to do I believe--they will want to rip my eyeballs out! If you saw they way the search my eyes for a hint of a rise out of me, you''d understand more why I say that. I was told by my brother that I need to pick up my Oscar for such amazing control in behavior!

Anyhoo, thanks so much and hugs back atcha!

 

[Apsara]

I am not a parent, so I offer the following humbly.

I have known several people who have practically lost their lives--at the very least, their souls--for their kids. Whether it was emotional issues, drugs, whatever...Parents love their children so much, they sacrafice everything for them: money, their relationships with spouses and other family members, careers, etc. But their comes a point when a parent, no matter how great his/her love is, can save a child from its demons. A few friends, exhausted and broken, have admitted as much to me. It sounds like you have made sincere and extensive efforts to work with your older children to no avail.

You will always love them and welcome them in your heart. Let them know this. But let them know too, that your love does not mean you have to take their abuse--and that is what this is--emotional abuse. You will be their for them should they decide to meet you half way and make meaningful attempts at a relationship--that is what loving mothers do--but you are entitled to a life and to happiness...and you have other children to think of.

This is not an easy thing. I am sorry to read about your family issues. But it sounds like you have the strength and character to see your way through this while keeping your spirit in tact. Godspeed.

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 6/4/2006 3:12:50 AM
Author: IndieJones
Ok, so all your kids are alive, none of them are addicted to drugs or alcohol, or are criminals. The older ones are not so screwed up that it impacts their ability to have successful relationships and careers. (everyone''s at least a little screwed up these days.

). The younger ones look to be on their way to being relatively happy adults capable of handling life.
Hey, sounds to me like you''ve been (and are still) a successful parent.

Your kids have no right to treat you like this! And the thing with the truck just burns me up! It''s your truck that you''re being gracious enough to let him use!

If you fell down in any area as a parent, it''s that you have kids with no sense of gratitude.

All I can say is that I hope they''re in their early twenties. For some people that can be a period of extreme self-centeredness and difficulty dealing with the residual authority of one''s parents. It usual wears off.

I''m coming from the kid side, and I still think your two eldest kids are seriously out of line! Despite the occasional fantasy involving horse-sized doses of valium or cliffs, and despite sometimes yelling at her to back off, at the end of the day I always make sure my mother knows how much I love her and how much I value her. And I''m always properly grateful for all the things she does for me. (now if she''d only do a few less things...

)

A parting thought. People are born with their personalities intact. Think of it this way, I have a friend who is incredibly sweet, thoughtful, generous, and kind. Her entire family is a bunch of greedy, back-stabbing, manipulative, selfish jerks. (unbelievable bad people). Her parents certainly are not responsible for how well she turned out. Just like that, parents are not responsible if their kids turn out to be selfish jerks.

Oh Indie, you doll! Thank you so much for everything you said. Hugs to you!!! Daughter #1 is 24 1/2 and Son #1 is 23 so yes they are definitely in their self absorbing twenties. See, the thing is, my other two adult kids are 21 and 19 1/2 and are very helpful and not all so caught up with themselves.

I especially appreciate your comment about the fact that kids come into this life with their personalities pretty well defined and they are genuinely good, caring people---to others outside of their immediate family. To their siblings, they really suck. Daughter #2 was crying at the wedding, not because she was sad to lose her brother or whatever, but because she really gets along famously with my new DIL and she feels she finally has a chance to have a sisterly like relationship that is non-existent with Daughter #1.

Anyways, your comments are SO appreciated!!!

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 6/4/2006 8:37:01 AM
Author: diamondfan
Deanna, I do not know much about you or your situation but have always thought you seemed lovely and very loving towards your kids. Of course I do not know all the details of the past.

Not to justify their actions (nasty) but kids especially do not like always like change, and you are changing (for your health and within YOUR rights to) and it is not easy for them to take.

After have 9 kids and making many sacrifices I am sure, you are more than entitled to focus on you. My husband has a saying, When Mommy is happy, everyone is happy''. Sounds like your daughter might be threatened by your emergence from servitude. You could always be counted on to be the whipping boy, and now you are casting that aside. The fact that she thinks you are in competetion with her tells me A: she is threatened by the new you and B: she is projecting her feelings onto you.

I do not know what is at the root of their actions (I have not seen your posts where you discuss it) but can only tell you the ambush by them seems totally unwarranted.

You have done tons in the last years for all of them. They need to see you are a person, not someone attached to a mop and washing machine, and they should be thrilled, in this short time we have on this earth, that you are finally finding some place for you as Deanna, not just as their mom.

I do not know what your husband thinks about this. I know if I owned the truck my kid drove and I acknowledge the accident and assumed full financial responsibilty for it, I would not under any circumstances expect a tantrum from an adult child. If he is old enough to marry he is old enough to get this. Cars get dings etc, and you own and are planning to pay to fix it. Discussion over. No need for abuse over this, it is not a hit and run, nor did YOU do it to HIS truck and refuse to fix it. Methinks the older two might be having issues growing up and being THEIR own people.

As to you being different all these years later as a parent, well, DUH. People grow and evolve...you are NOT the same person you were all those years ago. We are constantly changing, even slightly, that is the nature of life, and again, though it is sometimes comforting to think that our parents will always be there sitting for us, life does move along and kids need to face that too...just as a mom has to face and be promoting the notion that her kids will grow up and leave to live their lives...it''s like we are borrowing them to rear them and launch them to be prepared for life away from us.

Some people are toxic and no matter what you do they do not behave. When this happens we need to be able to see it is not OUR fault and not take abuse or feel guilt. Also, sometimes, the past is over and to heal we need to admit our part in any issues and be able to move on. Sounds like they are a bit stuck. It must be awful to feel this imminent after all you have done, and I would make sure you have some support around YOU...I am hoping you are okay, but how could you be?

OMG! DiamondFan, when I read your post, I was so excited to have you hit the nail on the head!!! They have told others, especially my brother and his wife that they cannot understand why I am doing any changing. They also told them they see me as so self absorbed with my jaunts to the gym and for saying no more to what I honestly cannot or will not do!

And the part about my daughter being jealous, which still floors me, I am beginning to see what you and my brother and SIL are taking about...but its so silly to me, I mean, I can still love her even if I cannot stand her. That is just the way it is. I guess I thought they''d see my taking a vested interest in making me healthier to be a good example of what they might want to do as adults...you know, eat better, go to the gym more, yada, yada...not to compete, but my parents said the same thing to me last night and it really is hitting me now.

My DH is totally supporting me investing time for me and when he can, he accompanies me to the gym or he will urge me out the door if I have had a hectic day and its 8pm and he is just getting home. As for the situation with the kids...He is split, which is a bit of problem. He is dumbfounded by our oldest daughter''s actions and--to me--appears hesistent to confront her as firmly as he should so she continues to do them. He totally feels their attacks on me are without merit and downright disrespectful.

Because family has been here, those two have made them selves sparse, but my dear brother told me they are leaning towards ambushing me while hubby is away at work so that they can gang up on me. That is why for me Mara''s idea is more likely the way for me to go...seriously. If they come into my home unannounced, I will bolt...either to my room and lock it and call the police or out the door to a friend''s house. My folks and brother suggested to change the locks and/or at least change the keyless entry. I mentioned this to DH today as we went with our two dearest friends to a Dodger game. He is not 100% on board, but I can sway him to at least change the keyless entry...that will happen tomorrow with or without his help.

I DO have some excellent books on toxic people and how to rid oneself of them and I am now going to have a chance to read more of them...and not a moment too soon.

Before I forget, I am not doing the lock change or code change for any other reason except that I want to make sure the message is clear: you want to come over? Cool, no problem, but call first and if I am home, you can. If I am not, you won''t. I do not owe them free rein of my home ANYMORE. Period.

I am glad I have progressed and thrilled I will continue. You are SO right on about their resistence to me changing!!! My oldest son keeps asking my husband if he is really ok with me dressing in what I am wearing, like I am dressing like a hooker or something. DH is thrilled and tells him so each time, which frazzles the hell out of son.

Something that I just found out was that recently our two oldest have seen myself and hubby have a glass of wine or a margarita and feel we are hypogritical for doing so when for years we told them to stay pure, not to drink until they were adults, live as clean a life as you can, yada, yada. Well, on one hand...they are right. We ARE occasionally sipping whatever the hell we want and its our own freakin business and yes, it is 380 degrees different that what they were taught, but we are adults---as they believe they are--and will do what we want, when we want.

Freak, they are still getting over the fact that we are still intimate as a couple after being married for 25 years!

I don''t care. I say,bring it on, but also, I am enjoying things and allowing them to ruin anything....I feel great!!!

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 6/4/2006 8:51:03 AM
Author: Madam Bijoux
I think it''s time for some tough love. No more nice mom. Don''t let your children (or anybody else, for that matter) turn you into their psychological door mat or punching bag. I would tell them point blank that you did the best you could in raising them and they are adults now. If they resent you or are angry at you for whatever reasons, it is their problem, not yours, and you haven''t the time or the inclination to deal with it any more. If they don''t like the way you''re trying to change your life and they feel that badly about you, they are free to stay away.

And here''s what I would say about the truck:

''I own the truck. I had the accident. You''re angry that I had an accident with my truck? That''s too bad. If you don''t like it, get your arse to work and buy yourself your very own truck.''

Sadly, some people will always try to bully, manipulate and belittle family members until they are confronted and told to where to get off in no uncertain terms.

Madam, you go girl! And thank YOU!

They do NOT like this new approach I have been making a part of me and now its time to move it up several notches, so they will have no clue of how to deal with it...and you know what?...Oh well.

I actually plan to say something VERY similar to what you said about them staying away. At ANY given time, I can say for SOn #1 that I am taking back MY truck. It is in MY name first before hubby''s. I will NOT engage in an arguement and will not stay physically and be coerced to do so. Period!!!

 

[DonaBella]

Perhaps I should say I am NO longer at my wits end! I am elated to be empowered and especially happy that I am staying true to me.

No one and I mean NO ONE is going to tell how to "be" any more!

 

[diamondfan]

I think it is just so hurtful to you, and you seem like such a warm and wonderful and rationale woman!

Of course DH loves you in great clothes...you are showing your kids that 25 years later, you two still have passion and love for one another! More power to you, and I think it is awesome!

Why should you not be able to, as an adult, have a drink now and again? I am sure you only told your kids not to drink and drive or drink before 21. So you should not be entitled to have a drink as a consenting adult?

I still think, truly, it freaks them out to see you as your own woman. You are not just mom anymore. You have passions and goals and things that matter to you, and they want you to be sitting in the house waiting expectantly for them to grace you with their appearance. I GET that this is likely where they are coming from, but TOO BAD. Just as they are growing and changing and leaving home to live their lives, so are you entitled to carve out a bit of space for yourself. I wish I could get a moment with your kids and help them see the light! You can say to them, I know it is more of a comfort for me to stay the same way, but I am growing as you all are and let's enjoy this new phase in our lives...

I think you should be sainted. You cannot have nine kids and not be so selfless and giving. I just hope they see reason soon, I am soooo sorry for you to have any pain. I am sure you are still a great mom to the kids still at home...