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dragonfly411

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Or maybe just justification.

Last night I pretty much told SO that I wanted to at least be engaged by 25. Here''s the story behind this.

SO and I have been dating for 3 years. I have a promise ring and we always say technically engaged but considering I have no ring, and we haven''t moved towards that by much lately, I''m moving away from that idea. I turn 23 in two weeks. I understand that this is young, but I feel like that''s only 2 years to 25, and only 5 years after that to thirty. I have many many things that I want to do in my life, I want to learn, and have adventures and lead an exciting life. Here lately SO has been focused on his toys and we haven''t focused on finding a new place (like we need to do), and he hasn''t even mentioned engagement like he used to and he''s taken to saying that he doesn''t want to get married until we''re close to thirty
. I explained to him that I want to be able to have children either by 30 or in my VERY early thirties, I want to be able to relate to my children somewhat and I don''t want to be an old 40''s mother. I also want to be able to enjoy life as a married couple for a few years before having children, I want us to travel together, and enjoy adventures without having to worry about kids.
I have also started to notice the differences between me and SO. I love my SO very very much, let me cover that now. I just feel like he''s become very fixated on certain activities that I don''t want to spend every weekend doing, like driving his mud truck, or airboat things. I enjoy them, I love to go out and do those things, but every weekend? I want to be able to go kayaking, travel, have adventures doing other things. I love to hike, and camp, and bike, and I love the ocean, and mountains. I also love to read, and paint, and SO likes neither and doesn''t enjoy when I pay attention to those vs doing things with him, but again, I don''t want to do the same thing every weekend. I sometimes want to sit him down and ask him if he''ll be satisfied looking back on his life and seeing only those two things all the time. He is very traditional southern, isn''t interested in learning other languages, isn''t really interested in learning more about different types of music, just classic rock and country, and again, not interested in reading, or anything like that. I love all types of music, I want to learn soo many languages and travel to so many places.
I don''t feel like these little differences should matter much but sometimes they do to me because I''m afraid of missing out. Am I being ridiculous? He''s very kind, romantic, he loves me to pieces, gives me anything I want, and even puts up with my out there cooking, testing cous cous, tofu, etc for me. This past week he snuck to his mom''s whilst I was having a mom and sister evening and dug up a quarter acre at his mom''s for me to have a veggie garden
. He''s very wonderful on most fronts.
I explained with the marriage thing that I want to be young, and vibrant when we marry and I picture it a certain way, and I don''t WANT To be 30 as a bride. I want my current friends there, and what if they leave? move? etc? Sigh, am I being ridiculous?
 

tlh

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I think giving your guy two years to propose is plenty of time if you are honestly willing to wait 2 years.

however most guys hear... 25.. and won't think about it again until you are already 25. You'll be 25 TECHNICALLY until your 26th birthday.. actually giving him another year... so I'd make sure you made it clear as crystal.

I dont have a problem with timelines, and keeping discussion open.. That is part of a normal healthy relationship.
 

misskitty

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Here's a question:

Would you rather have your ideal timeline met, or be with your guy?

I also wanted to be engaged by 25, but that birthday is approaching in just a few months, and I don't think it's going to happen by then. But...I wouldn't trade my SO for anyone or anything in the world, so I'm willing to let go of that arbitrary deadline.

If it makes you feel any better, the two years before your "deadline" hits is quite a long time. Maybe he'll propose sooner than you think.
 

decodelighted

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Okay. Sounds like your post is about two different things ..

1) Are we right for each other?

2) How can I get him to marry me quicker?

And the reason you shouldn''t worry about #2 so much yet is because you''re still answering #1.
 

fieryred33143

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There are a lot of changes that happen between your teens to 20, 20 to 25, 25 to 30, and so on. Its totally normal for you at this stage to be exploring different things in life. That doesn''t mean that the relationship isn''t going to work. You just both have to agree to be open to each other''s interests. Maybe you can work out a plan where one weekend you do what he wants to do and the next what you want to do. Also, its ok for you guys to like different things as long as you have common ground on the bigger things in life (whatever you define those big things to be which for me as an example are marriage, children, finances)

As for the engagement, you told him by 25. That gives him 2 years (or as tlh cleverly pointed out 3). Don''t assume that the way he feels about it today is the way he''ll feel about it a year from now. If you are really willing to wait two/three years for the engagement, then give him that time.
 

havernell

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Date: 4/3/2009 12:52:41 PM
Author:dragonfly411

he doesn't want to get married until we're close to thirty


I want to be young, and vibrant when we marry and I picture it a certain way, and I don't WANT To be 30 as a bride. I want my current friends there, and what if they leave? move? etc? Sigh, am I being ridiculous?
Sounds like you both have equally valid but different "wants". I don't think your wants are more valid than his, and I don't see his wants as more valid than yours. BTW, have you asked him why he wants to wait until closer to 30 to get married? Perhaps he has a good reason you haven't considered.

Perhaps you two should talk about compromising in the middle. Maybe plan to get engaged around age 27.
 

Allison D.

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Date: 4/3/2009 1:11:54 PM
Author: decodelighted
Okay. Sounds like your post is about two different things ..

1) Are we right for each other?

2) How can I get him to marry me quicker?

And the reason you shouldn''t worry about #2 so much yet is because you''re still answering #1.
A hearty AMEN and vigorous agreement with Deco''s post.

Dragon, those differences aren''t as small as you think, and to the extent that they''ll bother you, rest assured that they will get bigger and bigger as time goes by.

You need to figure out if you want enough of the same things to be compatible with each other over the long haul. If he''s ok doing his two things every weekend and you''re ok with doing what you like (languages, travel, etc)., then it could work out ok. That''s not what you''re saying, though - you''re saying it''s a point of contention for you to be doing some things separately, and that each of you feel resentment at the way the other wants to spend his/her time.

There are other conflicts - he doesn''t want to marry until 30, you want to marry by 25.

Carefully consider whether or not you both want the same things. It''s not enough just to love one another; you have to both have similar goals and desires and a common vision about how much personal space is ok. If you don''t establish this beforehand, it''s going to lead to conflict.

Don''t assume he will change; assume the absolute opposite. Assume that what you see now is exactly what you''ll get, and then be really honest with yourself in determining if you can be truly happy with the person he is right now.

People do change over time, but the ''roots of their trees'' don''t often change much. You need to know that you''ll be happy with who he is know before it''s time to worry about meeting a timeline.
 

monarch64

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Deco's post sums things up quite succinctly, imo. What struck me about your post, Dragonfly, was not the timeline, but the differences in your personalities. If those differences are an issue now, please keep in mind that he may never change, and ask yourself if you'll be ok with his interests/lack thereof for the rest of your life, when clearly yours are much more varied...that has been a big issue of mine in the past either with guys I dated and even with my stbx-husband. Don't settle--that's the main advice I want to give you.

ETA: oh yeah, and ditto to what AlJ says too!
 

dragonfly411

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haver - to answer your question, I know what it is. He''s very afraid of the idea of divorce. His mother divorced twice, and he doesn''t want to have that happen. But he also says he knows he wants to spend his life with me. He seems to put marriage and the negative aspects his mother experienced into one thing, and have only that view. It is something he has every right to be fearful of, but it is a fear he has to overcome.

I don''t think we resent each other for the things we enjoy, as I DO enjoy doing the things he enjoys, and he is supportive of me doing my things..... he just doesn''t share my view on them all of the time. If that makes sense.

And just to clarify, I don''t want to marry by 25, just know that we''ll be engaged by then. I do think 27 is a good halfway point for the actual marriage, and would be very happy with that.

I do fear that the differences will become a big thing over time, if I''m noticing them, but I''m also trying to tell myself that no one is going to ever share my exact same views, and I can do my things on my own and reach my accomplishments, and there are things that we do share together and will, such as visiting West Palm often, and him loving the mountains as well, and fitness, and camping (he loves it too). We decided too that we''re going to start jogging together to do half marathons and I asked him if he''d be interested in going to a running camp and he said yes, it would take time but yes. He''s also more ACCEPTING of my music tastes than he used to be lol, so he truly does make an effort, just there are many things he isn''t interested in the way I am. Sorry not trying to make excuses, just felt that it needed a bit further clarification.

I don''t think I''m ready to walk away from him, I want to give him some time. He is younger than me and I''m trying to remember that and remember that we''re only this age once. I''m making an honest effort on that front as well....
 

ilovesparkles

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Date: 4/3/2009 1:29:19 PM
Author: Allison D.

Date: 4/3/2009 1:11:54 PM
Author: decodelighted
Okay. Sounds like your post is about two different things ..

1) Are we right for each other?

2) How can I get him to marry me quicker?

And the reason you shouldn''t worry about #2 so much yet is because you''re still answering #1.
A hearty AMEN and vigorous agreement with Deco''s post.

Dragon, those differences aren''t as small as you think, and to the extent that they''ll bother you, rest assured that they will get bigger and bigger as time goes by.

You need to figure out if you want enough of the same things to be compatible with each other over the long haul. If he''s ok doing his two things every weekend and you''re ok with doing what you like (languages, travel, etc)., then it could work out ok. That''s not what you''re saying, though - you''re saying it''s a point of contention for you to be doing some things separately, and that each of you feel resentment at the way the other wants to spend his/her time.

There are other conflicts - he doesn''t want to marry until 30, you want to marry by 25.

Carefully consider whether or not you both want the same things. It''s not enough just to love one another; you have to both have similar goals and desires and a common vision about how much personal space is ok. If you don''t establish this beforehand, it''s going to lead to conflict.

Don''t assume he will change; assume the absolute opposite. Assume that what you see now is exactly what you''ll get, and then be really honest with yourself in determining if you can be truly happy with the person he is right now.

People do change over time, but the ''roots of their trees'' don''t often change much. You need to know that you''ll be happy with who he is know before it''s time to worry about meeting a timeline.
A second very hearty AMEN to both of these posts. Frankly, I can''t say much more.
 

dragonfly411

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Thank you monarch, I hate the idea of it being settling, but that''s what I''m trying to figure out at this point.
 

trillionaire

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Date: 4/3/2009 1:29:19 PM
Author: Allison D.
Date: 4/3/2009 1:11:54 PM

Author: decodelighted

Okay. Sounds like your post is about two different things ..


1) Are we right for each other?


2) How can I get him to marry me quicker?


And the reason you shouldn''t worry about #2 so much yet is because you''re still answering #1.
A hearty AMEN and vigorous agreement with Deco''s post.


Dragon, those differences aren''t as small as you think, and to the extent that they''ll bother you, rest assured that they will get bigger and bigger as time goes by.


You need to figure out if you want enough of the same things to be compatible with each other over the long haul. If he''s ok doing his two things every weekend and you''re ok with doing what you like (languages, travel, etc)., then it could work out ok. That''s not what you''re saying, though - you''re saying it''s a point of contention for you to be doing some things separately, and that each of you feel resentment at the way the other wants to spend his/her time.


There are other conflicts - he doesn''t want to marry until 30, you want to marry by 25.


Carefully consider whether or not you both want the same things. It''s not enough just to love one another; you have to both have similar goals and desires and a common vision about how much personal space is ok. If you don''t establish this beforehand, it''s going to lead to conflict.


Don''t assume he will change; assume the absolute opposite. Assume that what you see now is exactly what you''ll get, and then be really honest with yourself in determining if you can be truly happy with the person he is right now.


People do change over time, but the ''roots of their trees'' don''t often change much. You need to know that you''ll be happy with who he is know before it''s time to worry about meeting a timeline.
Ditto Deco and Allison.

You are both young, so you have time to learn to support and appreciate each others interests while still maintaining your own identities. For instance, I love languages and want to learn them too. My SO does capoeira, so I offered to learn Portuguese with him. I am not interested in the sport, but I like the cultural aspect. However, he declined (too time consuming for him), so I am learning French with my BFF. There are lots of ways to get your needs met, and lots of ways to show interest in each others interests without having to ''take them on''. It''s healthy to do things both separate and together and have different interests as long as you can support one another and make your partner feel validated. And also, don''t wait to travel, go with some friends. Your BF will quickly realize that he either wants to travel with you or not, but you will resent him if you never go and are always waiting on him.

At any rate, you have gobs of time to figure it out. Have fun in the process.
 

monarch64

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Dragonfly, I''m so glad you posted today, because your situation brings up a point I''ve been pondering for sometime myself: why is it that as women we are more than willing to sit and make these lists of differences between our interests and our SO''s and then say to ourselves, "well, it sounds like he might come around on accepting this interest of mine," or "at least now he is starting to ACCEPT that I like such-and-such kind of music,"? Why do we even worry about whether he likes something we like or not? I''ve yet to meet a man who sat and worried over whether we were ever going to come to terms about the fact that he likes drinking beer and watching football and I don''t, or that he likes Metallica and it burns my eardrums? Guys are just so ''take me as I am/take it or leave it''.

This is sort of a threadjack, sorry. My mother just "casually" left a book for me that she''d borrowed from the library, titled Why Men Love Bitches. I reluctantly read it and although the writing was terrible, it did make sense. Ok, threadjack over.
 

tlh

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I like to focus on the similarities. You both seem to like to do physically active things/ outdoors. You call his object of focus his "toys" and maybe here your focus is on an object also "the REAL engagement ring." Is that really that different?

I ask this because my DH loves tri stuff. Tri bikes, etc are not cheap.. and honestly when he talks to me about the seats, wheels, tires, etc, my eyes glaze over. But you know what- when i talk about jewelry, his eyes glaze over too. Does that mean we don''t have stuff in common? No, it means sometimes your SO''s interests well... BORE YOU. This is okay, it is normal. You don''t have to agree on everything. My Dh and I don''t like the same music either, I like most of what he likes... but I also like music that he distintly doesn''t like, nor will he ever like. I like other languages and cultures, they fascinate me, do I try to FORCE my DH to learn these things, no I dont. Because honestly I would not want to be subjected to some of the torture of his interests. Does it change the true VALUES of our marriage or relationship? No, it doesnt.

I think the things you have pointed out, are honestly, NOT DEAL BREAKERS. His fears are substantiated. Divorces are scary things.. but the intersting bit is he gave you a promise ring.. and you guys say you are engaged. This is probably a HUGE step in his eyes. I would really take a look at where he is coming from. Right now, you are on a fret about the future trying to plan it all out. Sweetie. Life doesn''t always go as planned. Just keep an open discussion going w/ you SO and things will go the way they do. Just don''t be a slave to the timeline or life story you have in your head... you both will know when the time is right.. and it could be before or a little after your 25th birthday.

I say 2 years is fine if you keep the discussion open with each other... you say he doesn''t want to get married until he is CLOSE TO 30. Well, if you are engaged in 2 years, and take 2 years to plan... you''ll be 28 or 29.. and that IS close to 30. Ask anyone who''s been in their upper 20''s.

Anywho, i went on longer than I planned. Hugs. What youa re feeling is normal.
 

monarch64

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Date: 4/3/2009 1:44:15 PM
Author: dragonfly411
Thank you monarch, I hate the idea of it being settling, but that''s what I''m trying to figure out at this point.
Dragonfly, you remind me of myself when I was hmmm...maybe 23-24? All of a sudden I had this timeline in my head of how I wanted things to go and at which age I wanted them to happen. I think, looking back, that it came from what I thought was SUPPOSED to happen...i.e., I met a guy who I thought was the one, and from then I thought it was expected of me that I get married and have children, etc. (I would never, ever have consciously thought that at the time, or admitted to it even if I HAD thought it.) All of these LIW posts recently are so interesting to me because it''s like going back in time and re-visiting my former self some days. I''m almost 32 now--10 years older than you!--and wow, what a difference in my thoughts. I don''t have any major regrets, but I don''t feel like I stood up for myself or was true to myself and what I REALLY wanted from life back then.

Not saying that you aren''t being true to yourself or anything of the sort, I guess I just wish I had known then what I know now, to be completely trite.
You''re a good egg, Dragonfly, as my mother would say.
 

FrekeChild

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Ditto to Trill, Deco, Alj, Monnie and Fiery. I don't have much to add to what they had to say.
 

Winks_Elf

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Overall, it sounds like you are growing and your SO is perfectly content to stay where he''s at. It happens. It''s not that he doesn''t treat you well, it''s just that there are more things in life you would like to experience than just playing in the mud on weekends (not that it isn''t fun, mind you). You''re very young, and I completely understand what you mean by wanting to have your kids by 30. I wanted to have my clan baked by the time I hit 25, but it didn''t work out that way for me, and I''m going to be 40 this summer, and my kids will only be 3, 5, 9 and 11.

You are not the same person you will be when you get to be 30 years old. Don''t get hung up on the numbers, and don''t live life in the future. In other words, take a deep breath, appreciate the man you have in front of you, and give it time. If in two years you don''t see him moving towards the same goals as you, you''ll have to do some serious decision making about whether or not you can accept him not being on the same page as you. In the meantime, have fun and enjoy being young!
 

Bia

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Date: 4/3/2009 1:55:24 PM
Author: monarch64
Dragonfly, I''m so glad you posted today, because your situation brings up a point I''ve been pondering for sometime myself: why is it that as women we are more than willing to sit and make these lists of differences between our interests and our SO''s and then say to ourselves, ''well, it sounds like he might come around on accepting this interest of mine,'' or ''at least now he is starting to ACCEPT that I like such-and-such kind of music,''? Why do we even worry about whether he likes something we like or not? I''ve yet to meet a man who sat and worried over whether we were ever going to come to terms about the fact that he likes drinking beer and watching football and I don''t, or that he likes Metallica and it burns my eardrums? Guys are just so ''take me as I am/take it or leave it''.

This is sort of a threadjack, sorry. My mother just ''casually'' left a book for me that she''d borrowed from the library, titled Why Men Love Bitches. I reluctantly read it and although the writing was terrible, it did make sense. Ok, threadjack over.
Amen! Praise Jesus!

This is something that I have learned (the hard way) in my relationship for the last 7 years. We don''t have to enjoy our SO''s hobbies and interests but we do have to respect them. It is a good idea to do what you like, by yourself. OR even better, with your girls! Guys (of the non insecure variety) LOVE it when we are doing our thannnng! They really do! My FI never gives me grief because I want to take a cooking class (I like taking classes) or if I want to go out for Wednesday night drinks & dinner with my girls. In fact, as long as I don''t drag him to some of that stuff, he encourages it. It''s good for the soul to do things apart. It''s also great when you can find something that you both enjoy. If it''s only one thing, all good, that''s something at least you can do together. Recently my man asked me if we could do a recipe night. He knows I love to cook and he loves to eat. So now we are going to start taking a recipe once a week from a new cookbook and cooking together. My face almost dropped when he suggested that, seriously! Giving them space to do what they enjoy on their own. For FI that could be playing chess or video games, or playing his music.

Seriously honey, it''s great to have shared interests, and if you can find them, that''s wonderful! But if you can''t find more than a few, don''t worry. Just as long as you have fun together, it''s all good.

On a side note: When I get all dressed up to have a night out with my friends (which is something that is very important to me), FI can''t take his eyes off of me. I think it has a lot to do with loving to see me happy and full of life. IT''S SEXY. And you better believe he waits up


BTW: I love Metallica, don''t you Monarch???
 

ladypirate

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Date: 4/3/2009 1:55:24 PM
Author: monarch64
Dragonfly, I'm so glad you posted today, because your situation brings up a point I've been pondering for sometime myself: why is it that as women we are more than willing to sit and make these lists of differences between our interests and our SO's and then say to ourselves, 'well, it sounds like he might come around on accepting this interest of mine,' or 'at least now he is starting to ACCEPT that I like such-and-such kind of music,'? Why do we even worry about whether he likes something we like or not? I've yet to meet a man who sat and worried over whether we were ever going to come to terms about the fact that he likes drinking beer and watching football and I don't, or that he likes Metallica and it burns my eardrums? Guys are just so 'take me as I am/take it or leave it'.

This is sort of a threadjack, sorry. My mother just 'casually' left a book for me that she'd borrowed from the library, titled Why Men Love Bitches. I reluctantly read it and although the writing was terrible, it did make sense. Ok, threadjack over.
LOL, Monnie! This so reminds me of K and I. The fact that he pretends to hate Bon Jovi so much makes it all the more fun to sing it at the top of my lungs. Or maybe he really does hate it... Oh well. He's wrong.


Dragonfly, not all of your interests have to be the same (nor should they be), but I do think it's important in a relationship for each partner to try to take an interest in what the other person is interested in or else support them in that interest on their own. Case in point--I love music and am quite musical. K likes to listen to it, but has never really been musical. Because he knows it's important to me, though, he's letting me teach him how to sing. It's slow going and he's kind of embarrassed about it, but he's still making the effort because he knows it's important to me. Or he knows I like to go swing dancing but he doesn't, so he encourages me to go without him.

Likewise, I watch Formula 1 with him (anyone see the first race of the year???) even though I probably wouldn't watch it on my own. Also, I totally support his weekly video gaming session with his friends. If both of you aren't willing to try out or support each other's interests, that's a more deeply rooted problem than just having different interests.

In your example, you say that he only wants to do things that aren't of interest to you and yet gets upset if you are doing things that aren't of interest to him. Maybe try suggesting that one weekend day he can go do his thing while you do yours, then the other you both do something together that you'll both enjoy. You could even try something new that neither of you have done before.

As a side note, it's so funny to me how different people have such different views on marriage. I NEVER thought I'd be married before 30. In fact, I didn't even know if I'd ever get married! Must be a cultural thing, I guess. My parents still think I'm awfully young to be getting engaged and I'm turning 26 this year.
 

monarch64

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Date: 4/3/2009 2:25:54 PM
Author: Bia

Date: 4/3/2009 1:55:24 PM
Author: monarch64
Dragonfly, I''m so glad you posted today, because your situation brings up a point I''ve been pondering for sometime myself: why is it that as women we are more than willing to sit and make these lists of differences between our interests and our SO''s and then say to ourselves, ''well, it sounds like he might come around on accepting this interest of mine,'' or ''at least now he is starting to ACCEPT that I like such-and-such kind of music,''? Why do we even worry about whether he likes something we like or not? I''ve yet to meet a man who sat and worried over whether we were ever going to come to terms about the fact that he likes drinking beer and watching football and I don''t, or that he likes Metallica and it burns my eardrums? Guys are just so ''take me as I am/take it or leave it''.

This is sort of a threadjack, sorry. My mother just ''casually'' left a book for me that she''d borrowed from the library, titled Why Men Love Bitches. I reluctantly read it and although the writing was terrible, it did make sense. Ok, threadjack over.
Amen! Praise Jesus!

This is something that I have learned (the hard way) in my relationship for the last 7 years. We don''t have to enjoy our SO''s hobbies and interests but we do have to respect them. It is a good idea to do what you like, by yourself. OR even better, with your girls! Guys (of the non insecure variety) LOVE it when we are doing our thannnng! They really do! My FI never gives me grief because I want to take a cooking class (I like taking classes) or if I want to go out for Wednesday night drinks & dinner with my girls. In fact, as long as I don''t drag him to some of that stuff, he encourages it. It''s good for the soul to do things apart. It''s also great when you can find something that you both enjoy. If it''s only one thing, all good, that''s something at least you can do together. Recently my man asked me if we could do a recipe night. He knows I love to cook and he loves to eat. So now we are going to start taking a recipe once a week from a new cookbook and cooking together. My face almost dropped when he suggested that, seriously! Giving them space to do what they enjoy on their own. For FI that could be playing chess or video games, or playing his music.

Seriously honey, it''s great to have shared interests, and if you can find them, that''s wonderful! But if you can''t find more than a few, don''t worry. Just as long as you have fun together, it''s all good.

On a side note: When I get all dressed up to have a night out with my friends (which is something that is very important to me), FI can''t take his eyes off of me. I think it has a lot to do with loving to see me happy and full of life. IT''S SEXY. And you better believe he waits up


BTW: I love Metallica, don''t you Monarch???
Bia, you just summarized the book I mentioned in your post, ha ha!

And Metallica, I''m all for some angry head-banging music, but no man will EVER touch my radio dial or my ipod while riding shotgun again. Ever. Or when I''m cooking. Or really, just, EVER.
I don''t touch your sacred remote, you don''t mess with my tunes.
 

dragonfly411

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 25, 2007
Messages
7,378
The last few posts have made me feel A LOT better, and I agree with them 100% so I guess that helps me a lot. Thanks for the words about the timeline as well, I don''t want to live in fast forward. I''m definitely going to take you ladies up on your advice. He does support things I do, I think he and I just need the even ground, one day doing something one day not. He''s also planning to attend fire school so maybe that will help him find some new interests ..... like fire suits
jk jk.

Can someone explain the metallica interest to me? I haven''t heard them much
 

Lauren8211

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 25, 2008
Messages
11,073
What the heck?!

Metallica is AWESOME!
 

dragonfly411

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 25, 2007
Messages
7,378
sounds like I need to go educate myself on metallica. BRB lol
 

Bia

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 28, 2008
Messages
6,181
Date: 4/3/2009 3:03:40 PM
Author: dragonfly411
sounds like I need to go educate myself on metallica. BRB lol
LOL

Elle and I are metal heads dragonfly, so don't necessarily take our words for it hehehe. Beware, they take some getting used to if you're not into heavy metal


ETA: Glad you're feeling better sweetie
 

princesss

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 18, 2007
Messages
8,035
Chiming in late, but better late than never, right?

There are differences and then there are DIFFERENCES. At least in my world. I like that BF and I are different. We have different backgrounds and different interests. Not all of them match up, but the important ones do. There are things for me that are deal breakers. For instance, if BF felt he was incapable of living outside of the US, we''d be done. Over. Kaput. Because that''s a part of me that I *love*, and I won''t give it up.

But if your differences are negotiables, take up some hobbies by yourself and with friends, and then maybe take up one of his hobbies in return for him doing one of yours. I joined an ultimate frisbee league because my BF loves it, and it''s a big part of his life. Would I have done it on my own? Heck no. But I really enjoy it now. And it gives us something to do together and something to bond over. Plus he''s super cute when he tries to teach me something new.

BF moved down here to be with me, and has embraced the idea of moving overseas and traveling. He had traveled a bit before we got together, but nothing like what I want to do. He''s shown me he''s willing to do the things I think are important, and I make an effort to try the things he feels are important.

But really, we''re 22 (I turn 23 in May, so I''m not much younger than you are), and our main focus needs to be developing ourselves, in or out of a relationship. So do the things you want to do. Go the places you want to go. If he doesn''t go with you, he can have a souvenier. I went to Paris by myself a few years ago (and go again in a week and a half...with family this time, though) and it was wonderful. I got to have the experience I wanted without worrying about him hating it (and he really, REALLY hates Paris). So go! Develop thyself! Enjoy thyself! Have FUN! And I wouldn''t be surprised if your BF loves the invigorated, happy you that comes with doing the things you love. And if not, you''ll have the confidence to know that you can have fun and lead a full life as well by yourself as you can in a relationship, and you''ll be able to do what''s best for you. But I don''t think that necessarily needs to happen anytime soon.
 

Lauren8211

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 25, 2008
Messages
11,073
Date: 4/3/2009 3:31:31 PM
Author: Bia

Date: 4/3/2009 3:03:40 PM
Author: dragonfly411
sounds like I need to go educate myself on metallica. BRB lol
LOL

Elle and I are metal heads dragonfly, so don''t necessarily take our words for it hehehe. Beware, they take some getting used to if you''re not into heavy metal


ETA: Glad you''re feeling better sweetie
headbangerlolz.JPG
 

ladypirate

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 30, 2007
Messages
4,553
Date: 4/3/2009 3:32:01 PM
Author: princesss
Chiming in late, but better late than never, right?

There are differences and then there are DIFFERENCES. At least in my world. I like that BF and I are different. We have different backgrounds and different interests. Not all of them match up, but the important ones do. There are things for me that are deal breakers. For instance, if BF felt he was incapable of living outside of the US, we''d be done. Over. Kaput. Because that''s a part of me that I *love*, and I won''t give it up.

But if your differences are negotiables, take up some hobbies by yourself and with friends, and then maybe take up one of his hobbies in return for him doing one of yours. I joined an ultimate frisbee league because my BF loves it, and it''s a big part of his life. Would I have done it on my own? Heck no. But I really enjoy it now. And it gives us something to do together and something to bond over. Plus he''s super cute when he tries to teach me something new.

BF moved down here to be with me, and has embraced the idea of moving overseas and traveling. He had traveled a bit before we got together, but nothing like what I want to do. He''s shown me he''s willing to do the things I think are important, and I make an effort to try the things he feels are important.

But really, we''re 22 (I turn 23 in May, so I''m not much younger than you are), and our main focus needs to be developing ourselves, in or out of a relationship. So do the things you want to do. Go the places you want to go. If he doesn''t go with you, he can have a souvenier. I went to Paris by myself a few years ago (and go again in a week and a half...with family this time, though) and it was wonderful. I got to have the experience I wanted without worrying about him hating it (and he really, REALLY hates Paris). So go! Develop thyself! Enjoy thyself! Have FUN! And I wouldn''t be surprised if your BF loves the invigorated, happy you that comes with doing the things you love. And if not, you''ll have the confidence to know that you can have fun and lead a full life as well by yourself as you can in a relationship, and you''ll be able to do what''s best for you. But I don''t think that necessarily needs to happen anytime soon.
Your BF and i have something in common!
Everytime I''ve gone there I''ve gotten horribly sick!
 

Jessie702

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 29, 2009
Messages
2,308
metallica.....more like whimptallica.....lol......its all about Iron Maiden, La Guns, Motely Crue, Early Bon Jovi, Judas Priest and Deep Purple
......lol.....i like early Metallica, dont like their current stuff.....sorry, i am a HUGE music fan, i sing myself, play piano and come from musical background....so dont even get me started on music...lol
 

tlh

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 31, 2008
Messages
4,511
Date: 4/3/2009 2:26:35 PM
Author: ladypirate

As a side note, it''s so funny to me how different people have such different views on marriage. I NEVER thought I''d be married before 30. In fact, I didn''t even know if I''d ever get married! Must be a cultural thing, I guess. My parents still think I''m awfully young to be getting engaged and I''m turning 26 this year.
[email protected] ditto!
 

choro72

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 11, 2008
Messages
1,867
Hmm, I was going to write a whole thing about how FI and I are different, but seems like it''s covered already!
 
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