Need some advice please.....

[breezy]

Hello all. I have been lurking for a while and thought you all sound so nice that I would ask for your opinion on my situation. I am a successful professional woman in her early forties that has never been married. I have always wanted (and expected) to be married and have children...........and thought it would happen much younger. Nothing has worked out for me. I think a combination of education/career and lack of large social circles have all contributed to my lack of finding the perfect mate. Having said that, I have been dating a great guy for 16 months. He is also my age and never married. He had a few serious relationships (as I did) that broke up prior to any marriage. He did live with one girl for a time when he was younger. It is my understanding that the women left him. We had a rough start to our relationship I think due to our relative pasts and the necessary adjustments that a relationship requires compared to being completely on your own. Our relationship has grown into something that we both hoped that it would........I think. I am ready to move forward and get married. I don''t want to do the "living together" thing. I also realize that it is most likely too late for children and he isn''t really wanting any now that he is older as well. I have recently been trying to talk to him about marriage-----he seems very hesitant and likes things how they are. I was very clear when we began dating that I was looking for marriage if I found the right guy. He agreed at the time. Now I wonder if he doesn''t want to marry me or doesn''t want to get married to anyone......or maybe just isn''t ready. He acts like there is no hurry and if it is right it will happen in due time.

My question is this---sorry so long---am I wrong to think at our age and being well established in life it shouldn''t take so long to decide? I have waited my whole life to finally settle down and not date anymore. I don''t think I am rushing anything......just wanting to take the next step. FWIW--I make probably twice what he does, own a very nice home, have a great family, no baggage, and am willing to have a prenup to make us both comfortable. Should I be willing to give him more time? or think about ending it to look yet again for someone that really wants marriage. My fear is that investing more time to walk away empty will only make me less marketable at my age. I do look nearly 10 yrs. younger (great genetics!) but men pay a lot of attention to that number! I thought I was lucky to be dating someone that wasn''t divorced with kids......

Again, sorry so long. Having a sad day.....

 

[decodelighted]

Would you rather be single w/him ... or married to someone else? Answer that quickly & you''ll have a good idea what your gut is telling you.

Are you able to talk with him about everything ...or are you walking on eggshells a bit trying to do the "right" things & not "pressure" him? I always worry when men (especially that age) are "hesitant" to talk about marriage. It says a lot about how they''re leaning. If they were leaning toward "yes", it wouldn''t be so threatening. Not that he doesn''t love you & want to spend time w/you and keep things EXACTLY as they are now for the indefinite future ... but that something says no. No to marriage. No to giving up bachelorhood. No to the question "Am I dying to be with this woman forever?"

FWIW I''m 41, at the time we met made about 2x what my then boyfriend did & owned my own house. What was so different about the relationship with my now husband was how much we were both moving toward the same things & both eager to move to the next stage of our lives together. We could talk about all the scary stuff that had always been hard to admit to others. I''d already come to terms w/the fact I might NEVER meet the right guy & decided I''d be okay on my own if that''s what life had in store for me. That set me free to show my whole flawed self to people because it was okay if they *didn''t* like it ... didn''t see a life w/me ... I''d be okay.

Maybe you should think long & hard about how okay you''d be without him. Might it make you brave enough to have the hard conversations you know you need to?

 

[tlh]

It is sad that the # does matter. It is like once the 20''s are gone.. you''re no longer the "spring chicken". So I understand how the sit and wait philosophy doesn''t jive when you feel you''ve done all your waiting on the front end. Plus you''ve planted some roots. Great career, good $, own your home... etc. From what I could read, he hasn''t. Sometimes it is a point of ego, that they haven''t "proven themselves" etc... and sometimes it is the case of the Clooney.

I don''t really have any advice - but I do like deco''s question. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot force it to drink.... I''d just look inside yourself - and see where your preferences lie.

 

[breezy]

A few things...... I already know that I may not find the "love of my life" at this point. It makes me very sad. I have so much to offer it truly baffles me...and I don''t mean to be blowing my horn so to speak. I hate the idea of being alone again and looking to start dating another man that "might" have potential. It takes a long time to develop a relationship that has marriage as a possibility. We have fun together, have traveled on 3 long vacations together, spend time with each other''s family and spend almost all of our free time together. It just seems natural to me that marriage would be the next step in the not too distant future. I asked him what he thought about getting married about one month ago. He seemed taken aback at the tlime and didn''t want to change anything. A few days later I told him that he really rained on my parade since we were talking about going back to visit a special place from a previous vacation one year after being there the first time. I had told him right after the first trip that I would only go back if I could get married there. After I said that, he said he would think about it. He hasn''t said "no", but he isn''t saying anything to let me know how much he is still considering it. He has not suggested firming up plans for that trip. It would be this fall (late Sept.) and I guess there is still a little time to decide. It''s just that I know planning for a destination wedding --even eloping--takes a little time. We have discussed diamonds a bit and he seems interested.....just noncomittal right now. I also think he worries about paying for a ring I would be happy with. Because we haven''t gotten that far, I haven''t told him that I would be willing to help pay for it. No one would ever need to know. I thought maybe I finally got lucky..........now I just don''t know.

 

[breezy]

tlh--It is definitely not the case of the Clooney. He has never been that way. He has been working for the same company 11 years and only lives about 25 min. from me. If anything, he has been on his own enough that he isn''t sure about giving that up. It is possible that he would marry me if I left him, but I''m not sure if that is the way I would want to accomplish it. KWIM?

 

[tlh]

breezy, it is entirely possible that even though you brought it up when you first started dating... it just never occurred to him. Now that you broached the subject, he was taken aback, because it could have taken him off gaurd. Sometimes with guys, they are happy the way things are going - and they set the cruise control... forgetting what city they are in... that is why as Ladies we have to help... you know... NAVIGATE.

best wishes!

 

[Bia]

Date: 4/8/2009 4:39:52 PM
Author: breezy
tlh--It is definitely not the case of the Clooney. He has never been that way. He has been working for the same company 11 years and only lives about 25 min. from me. If anything, he has been on his own enough that he isn''t sure about giving that up. It is possible that he would marry me if I left him, but I''m not sure if that is the way I would want to accomplish it. KWIM?

I think I understand what you mean. Sort of because I have a cousin who is going through something similar. She wants the ''storybook romance'' (not saying you''re necessarily looking for that) but she feels like she''s running out of time since she''s in her early forties now. She also feels like she still wants kids but time''s a runnin out. Right now her relationship is great, but stalled, so decisions have to be made.

If you are okay with the possibility that you may never get married to this man, then I think it''s okay to stay in this relationship (after you''ve discussed the details of course). However, if you are looking for Mr. Right then you may have to consider that he may not be ''the one.'' Since having children doesn''t seem to be your top priority, you have time to find your Mr. Right. I''d never tell someone to settle for second best.

If he makes it clear that he definitely can see a future with you (a married future), just needs a bit more time, maybe giving him another year or so isn''t a bad idea.

Good luck!

 

[breezy]

Thanks for the input everyone. Having a child was a top priority for me a few years ago. In fact, I got pretty involved with trying to go it alone...with complete family support. Suddenly I met someone, and I reallized that a child without the relationship wasn''t really my priority. The guy turned out to have a severe personality disorder. I was lucky to find out quickly( he had a meltdown and was extremely verbally abusive to me.....on my 40th birthday no less). I tell myself it happened to keep me from going ahead with my plans and realizing later that I was still lonely and now raising a child myself only complicating the dating situation. My current boyfriend has waffled on the baby issue, but most recently seems against it. I know it may be too late for me now biologically and told myself I could be satisfied with a great guy and a full life with travel, etc. that is hard with a family. I do have nieces and nephew that I adore. I think I am feeling resentful about the possibility that I will miss out on both after spending nearly 1 1/2 yrs. with someone that may not marry me! These last 1 1/2 yrs. are precious to someone my age that still yearns sometimes for a baby. It is hard for me to see everyone around me (mostly younger...and some that work for me....much less accomplished, etc.) seem to have it all. Boyfriends that love them and WANT to marry them, loving husbands, and babies. I really can''t believe I''m still single and have to listen to everyone say the same thing. However, no one has ever found a great guy for me to date and I have shamelessly said I would consider any really nice guy.

What makes it harder is the mixed messages. Since we have discussed diamonds, we talked about making a trip to NYC. He did ask me how much a taxi cost from the airport....

 

[CurlySue]

Hi, Breezy. So sorry to hear you are dealing with these kinds of questions. I''m sure it is very stressful and upsetting for you.

I have a few thoughts and questions to add to the mix.

I definitely do not think you are wrong to feel that after 16 months, you should have a good sense of what you want, and it seems like you have been clear with him about what you are looking for... in fact, it sounds as if you have done so on a few different occasions.

With that said, you mentioned you had a "rocky start" to your relationship - depending on how long that "rocky start" lasted, is it possible he might not be viewing the length of your relationship the same way you are?

In your post, I didn''t really get a sense that you have ever heard directly from him what he is looking for, other than he likes what you have now. I would think that after 16 months, he at some point expressed what his ideal "future" looked like. Is his ideal future what you have right now, thus the "I like things the way they are now" comment?

I mean, the possibilities for how he''s feeling and what he''s thinking aren''t only "ready to get engaged" or "never going to get married." He could be somewhere in between, and b/c of your ages and your clarity on what you want, he may be unsure of how to respond right now. Could he possibly be nervous to tell you he''s not ready yet?

Like deco said, I would definitely be nervous if he hasn''t ever spoken in clear terms about what he wants out of the relationship. If he''s hesitant about that kind of conversation, then my gut would tell me you may need to break it off - otherwise, you will probably end up feeling self-conscious and resentful about the relationship.

But if he is open about talking to you about what he wants in the future, and that future involves a commitment to you but may *not* involve marriage at this point in time, then I think you just need to evaluate how committed he can be to you... and how long he might need to feel ready for marriage... and of course, whether that works for you.

 

[Erin]

Well if I''ve learned anything in the past couple years, it''s that when a guy seems hesitant or reluctant on something that he knows is important to you, beware. It may just be stalling to give you the inevitable bad news. That''s just my story.

 

[breezy]

In the beginning, he said he hoped to find someone to marry, just like I said. The rocky start wasn''t horrible or that long lasting, just a few things that caused some bumps in the road. We worked it out. I think he would say that he doesn''t want to break up, doesn''t see a need to "hurry", if it is meant to be we will know in due time......hmmmmm. He is always talking about trips he wants to take with me so I know he would continue on indefinitely. I just don''t know how close he really is to marriage..and I don''t know if he can answer that right now. I just think he "ought" to be able to answer by now. As an aside, he did tell me that previous girlfriends have broken up with him after 1 1/2 yrs. and that in retrospect he thinks he was lucky to have not married them. He has never said that they wanted to marry him. I''m wondering if the time frame is an issue for him due to his past.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Time frames are a funny thing like that. My boyfriend was a bit paranoid I was going to break up with him until after we hit that magic number when other women had broken his heart. But beyond that, I would suggest to him that there are some important things you would like to sit down and discuss. Plan a dinner date with that in mind and explain how you are feeling. I honestly think the most important thing right now is for the two of you to get it all out on the table. Because otherwise, there is the endless wondering. And he may stall, he may not have answers immediately, but you two can take away some key things to think about in the days and weeks to come and discuss again etc. I wish you luck, sorry your welcome to PS had to be a sad one, and keep us updated!

 

[breezy]

Thank you. I really appreciate everyone''s thoughts. This shouldn''t be so hard.....what''s mildly funny is that his brother just got engaged at Christmas to a woman that he and his parents can''t stand. They think she is after money/support and doesn''t really love him. She is divorced with 2 kids. It was a tough holiday for his family and his mother told me that the wrong son got engaged....

He knows that his family would fully support the idea of us getting married.....and hope for it. His mother doesn''t want him to lose me....for any reason....and she is unaware of his reluctance I thilnk. They don''t talk about such things!

 

[allycat0303]

Hi breezy,

Your post really struck a chord with me. I''ve actually met A LOT of woman in your position. Here in Quebec, the medical profession is increasingly women, so I meet a lot of woman that are going through the same thing. And a lot of woman that are going to be going through the same thing. A few things struck me about your posts, the first being that you have given up finding the love of your life and the second that you hate the idea of being alone again and starting to look for another man. The first statement made me really sad. I hear that a lot from woman (even my sister who is 27 years old

) so I think it''s a legitimate fear. By saying that, though, I get the implication (and it might be erroneous) that you don''t feel that this man is the love of your life? It sounds to me that you might be selling yourself short. I think the primary concern should be "Is he the man for you" ? Are you ready to get married you feel that it is the next logical step? Or because you want to be married to THIS man? As for starting over with another man, that''s hard too, obviously, I''ve had mentors tell me that the dating pool is much smaller over 30 years old, but I know women that got married well into their 40''s and one that had a child at 42 yrs old. And I am in no way saying that it''s easy to get pregnant at that age. It''s the exception rather then the norm, but there is still a chance.

Finally, as for the timing, well it depends on the person (at any age). I do agree though, that at older ages, you know much sooner because you have matured, you are settled, and you are not trying to figure out who you are. I am much more concerned when I hear about a 20 year old couple that is getting married after 9 months of dating then a 40 year old couple with the same time frame. But as a person, I know that I wouldn''t get engaged until we''ve been dating 2.5-3 years. But that''s my comfort level, I know I will never change, because I am cautious, indecisive, and take forever for every decision. Other people can make the right decision in 1 year.

So I would say decide what your fixed timeline is. Be willing to be a little flexible (6-7 months if you really feel that this is the one) and stay true to that. And I guess decide what you really, really want. Is it to be married? Because if it''s just that, you can take your time, you''ll find someone. Or is it to try and have a family? Again depends if you want to have biological children, are against invitro, or are willing to adopt. Some of these options are more leisurely paced, others need to be faster.

Oh, and don''t worry, you don''t sound like you''re tooting your own horn. You sound like a successful, attractive woman, like many I''ve met, that hasn''t had all the luck in relationships. YET. That''s important to remember.

Welcome to PS.

 

[swingirl]

Some people feel 40 is late to be getting married and once they meet someone they want to "catch up" and get things moving pretty quickly. On the other hand, if your man is happy with his single life and is in no hurry to change things, you could be in for a long wait.

Years ago I though if I was still single at 40 I would adopt a child and put myself to good use loving another human being and see where it took me. I don''t know if I really would have done that but it''s a chapter in my life I wouldn''t have wanted to miss just because I never met the right man.

It''s a tough place to be but I think a real "talk" about the future is in order. At least you will both know what the other is hoping for.

 

[caribqueen]

Hi breezy, I have no advice to add, just wanted to wish you the best. I''d like to hear how your talk and resolution turn out. I happen to have quite a frew friends in their later 30''s and up into 40''s who are great women - beautiful, smart, fun, and everything else, but no joke, it''s tough out there. One of them recently broke up with a man at 40 years old because she wasn''t getting what she needed from him. Not exactly like your situation, but she figured why not be free to find someone who deserves her then to hang on to what she had (which wasn''t much).

 

[jaylex]

Hi Breezy.
I obviously don''t know you or your SO but to me, it sounds like maybe you aren''t necessarily interested in getting married to him, but getting married to someone. You didn''t say much about him except that he is a "great guy". You also didn''t really give any reasons for wanting to get married besides your age. You are only forty. If you think he isn''t going to give you the commitment you need, it''s not like you don''t have time to find your "soul mate".

You said that you don''t want to do the "living together thing" and that "I don''t think I am rushing anything......just wanting to take the next step" but to him, the next step may be living together. And maybe after that, marriage.

Honestly, only you know your relationship and only you know if it will be worth it to give him extra time in hopes that he will come around to the marriage idea.

Also, you said at the end that you felt lucky to be dating someone that wasn''t divorced and with kids. But at your age and your career status, there is a very good chance that your "soul mate" may in fact be someone who is divorced with children. You mentioned that it may be too late to for you to have kids biologically, but would having step-children to love be so bad? (As opposed to having to give up on the idea of a "family unit" entirely). Plus, someone who has already been married once will have "lived and learned" the "marriage thing" and could possibly be a better husband to you because of it, as opposed to a 40 year old bachelor who for the most of his life has only had to take care of "number 1".


I sincerely hope the best to you in your decisions and hope you find your soulmate (wether it turns out to be your SO, or someone new!)

.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 4/9/2009 1:08:19 AM
Author: jaylex
Hi Breezy.
I obviously don''t know you or your SO but to me, it sounds like maybe you aren''t necessarily interested in getting married to him, but getting married to someone. You didn''t say much about him except that he is a ''great guy''. You also didn''t really give any reasons for wanting to get married besides your age. You are only forty. If you think he isn''t going to give you the commitment you need, it''s not like you don''t have

Took the words right out of my mouth.

 

[bee*]

Date: 4/9/2009 2:34:08 AM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 4/9/2009 1:08:19 AM

Author: jaylex

Hi Breezy.

I obviously don''t know you or your SO but to me, it sounds like maybe you aren''t necessarily interested in getting married to him, but getting married to someone. You didn''t say much about him except that he is a ''great guy''. You also didn''t really give any reasons for wanting to get married besides your age. You are only forty. If you think he isn''t going to give you the commitment you need, it''s not like you don''t have

Took the words right out of my mouth.

I got the same impression. If he''s really not the love of your life, don''t sell yourself sort. Forty is not old at all and there is plenty of time to go out and meet someone new.

 

[LaraOnline]

I think that a lot of guys think that if he doesn't want to have kids, and particularly if a woman he loves doesn't want to have kids, well then why marry.

This is particularly so if the 'biological clock' has pretty much stopped ticking.

I personally think this is incredibly unfair, but we do seem to support a masculine view of the world (generally), and men have a million excuses / reasons to not get married.

I also happen to think the 'getting married to someone, (anyone?)' argument is kinda nowhere. This is an adult, not a kid looking to validate their early sexual experiences, or excape their mother! She is obviously a poster who wouldn't want to marry any old fish... she has chosen and been with this guy for 16 months.
How does one prove that a particular 'partner' is special, if the bar is set soooo high?!

Why shouldn't she express the private side of herself by marrying? I hear that kind of scepticism from men, often... yet they don't seem at all keen on calling off their intimate relationships on the grounds that they are obviously leading on their girlfriends, who actually do wish to marry.... hmmm.

Do you have any idea why the earlier girlfriends left him? Very possibly, it was because they could see that he was not the 'marrying kind', and they couldn't go on wasting / - sorry - waiting...

Does a leopard change spots? Why should he, if he isn't going to have kids?

Many singles have decided they don't see the appeal or benefits of marriage. It's a wide open market these days, they reason, so they don't have to. Romance? Phht, that's what you get at the movies, or on the odd sunny afternoon.

You have been going out for 16 months. That's probably long enough, as grown ups, to work out if you want to marry a person or not, or if indeed you and importantly your partner (still) even value marriage in itself.

It might be romantic to discuss buying you some sentimental jewellery, but he's probably also ecstatic that he's found a woman he can keep in a holding pattern he feels comfortable with.

Do you feel you need to break up with him and move on? There is an expectation that an older woman will just 'settle' into something comfortable, and if you are happy....?

My mother never wanted to marry again. But, she had been married previously and (sssshh, don't tell anyone) she also probably wasn't really totally sold on the boyfriend she did settle for...

 

[breezy]

Morning everyone! I know it is MUCH harder to find someone at my age.....I will be 43 this summer. There are few men that interest me enough to date. I have spent long periods of time alone between boyfriends and believe me, life is a lot better when you are part of a couple and not single. I think my age does contribute to that fact. We live in a couples society and when single we are often left out of everything....forgotten or ignored. I am a realist. He may be the perfect man for me at this time in my life. I don''t describe him as the "love of my life" because I think my perspective has changed over the years. I have had that feeling before and it never worked out----expectations change with experience. I would still rather be married to him and enjoying life as a couple than looking around again knowing it may never happen. I do understand how you all feel about my less than romantic view right now, but I have felt "in love" with him and happy together which is why I got excited about the possibility of finally getting married. I am somone that thought I would get married/have kids when very young--I was ready at 20. I didn''t marry the first man that asked because I knew that long term compatability would be an issue even though he, too, was a great guy. I was 24 then. I haven''t been that serious with anyone since although I have dated several men. At my age, it is more difficult I think than most of you realize. It is easy to say there is someone else out there, but realistically, I know it would be near impossible to find him....or he would be way older than me and not a good fit. As far as dating a divorced dad......been there, done that. Children are great. As you know, though, I would take second place in every aspect. Second wife, second to the kids, etc. That is how it has to be in that situation--I get it--but I don''t like it. I feel I deserve to be first to someone. Especially without any children of my own. I want to enjoy life with a partner that is free to do whatever it is we want. To me, that is second best to having children myself. Adoption isn''t really something for me....especially now. I don''t want to be a mom at 45 plus.......and nothing happens quickly.

Just wanted to clarify a few things.....thanks.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 4/8/2009 4:34:30 PM
Author: I asked him what he thought about getting married about one month ago. He seemed taken aback at the tlime and didn't want to change anything.

Okay, and yet you're here asking for advice? Come on! You already KNOW what needs to be done! Sucks, but yes it is true once we hit 40 we're less "marketable."

If you are in a major met area like NYC, I would honestly look into a matchmaker. At the very least it would be a good way to network with other singles. Best case, you find the love of your life! I wouldn't give up hope on children just yet. If your genetics are that good, you should still be able to get pregnant with no problem. My Ex-MIL chose to have a child at 46 years old. My now ex-husband was already 24 by then, and he almost gave my MIL a nervous breakdown when he was a teenager, but she STILL chose to have another child.

You shouldn't be wasting your time with a man who clearly does not want to get married. There may be a reason all his other girlfriends left around that length of relationship...they were smart.

 

[partgypsy]

Hmm I get a different perspective from this. Is it possible he was simply taken aback, and as there may not be kids in the picture he sees there is no real hurry to be married or not? It doesn''t seem like he is completely against married, just that he may take more warming up to it than you. 20 or 40 years old guys are typically on a different schedule with this than women. Maybe he questions your motives as well, that you are really here to be married rather than be with him and if he doesn''t propose you are going to leave him like those other women did?

I don''t think the question should be whether you prefer being married to him vs being married to someone else, that''s not the choice being offered. The question is would you prefer being with him even if unmarried versus being single again with the chance of finding someone you would marry?

Everyone feels differently about this. If I was in your shoes and I knew I wasn''t interested in having children, I wouldn''t necessarily be interested in hurrying into marriage but rather enjoying and deepening the relationship I was in.

 

[Haven]

I think it''s time for a frank discussion about where this relationship is heading. You are both adults, you''ve established your careers and homes, and now you''re ready to move towards marriage. If he is not ready, or if this isn''t where he sees this relationship going, then it''s up to you whether you''d like to stay with him or leave him and find someone who does want marriage.

I appreciate what you''ve said about being realistic, and how difficult it is to find someone when you''re past that "prime" marrying age, and how society is built for couples. My husband and I have several friends (male and female) who are in their late 30s/early 40s, single and looking for marriage, and they are not having an easy time with it. One of his good female friends just dated a man for four years, only to find out now that he''s no longer interested in marriage. She''s crushed, and I understand why. I know it''s tough to decide whether to stay with this guy or leave and find someone who wants marriage, and I''m sorry that you two aren''t on the same page, there.

I guess I really don''t have much advice other than to sit him down and discuss this. Just know that you have our support, and let us know how you''re doing.

 

[breezy]

Thanks everyone for the support. It is a difficult position to be in. I think we all want to hear "I love you and can''t wait to marry you"! But it doesn''t happen that way for all of us I guess. He hasn''t said he is never going to marry me, I think maybe I am just moving a little faster. I just hoped at our age he would be able to move at my pace ! LOL I am not going to press him too hard right now. I think he is digesting the possibility and really considering it. If however, nothing changes within a couple more months, I think I will tell him I have to move on because I want to have a life with someone. I really am tired of dating....

 

[breezy]

Winks--I don''t live in a large enough city to have a great (expensive) matchmaker. I have tried two different local matchmakers that wasted a lot of my money with empty promises about their members, etc. Once they are paid, the story changes. I also have done the online thing. Soooo many losers to sort through. I even called a matchmaker from out of state a couple of years back that I thought could introduce me to quality men-----to the tune of 25-30K dollars! Not in my budget....

 

[breezy]

Just an update and request for more opinions! My SO seems to be seriously considering marriage. During our most recent discussion, he said his biggest hangup is moving into my house.

He travels daily for work and the commute is generally about 1 hr. each way depending. From my house most of his days would be about 15min. longer each way. Does this seem like something to really be stressed about? He knows I will not be selling my house for several reasons. It is a custom home that I planned and worked for for years. It seems outrageous to me to consider selling to move just 10 min. down the road. He would consider that a "compromise"----however, his commute would remain the same if we bought a new home in the area he mentioned. So where is his compromise?

Is he: 1) just not quite ready
2) being selfish
3) avoiding marriage by making it my fault

I told him I won''t wait much longer for an answer and he does seem to be thinking seriously about going ahead. I''m just a little worried he will always be hanging this over my head as a huge sacrifice he made for me. Am I being selfish? Expecting too much? He lives in an old townhouse maybe worth about 125K and my home is around 500K..........I have only been living in it for 6 years. Everything is beautiful and new and filled with new furnishings that I planned for THIS house. I can''t help but feel he is wrong to even suggest I give it up over a slightly longer commute.


Just needed to vent.....

 

[wyndham]

Hi Breezy,
Based on what you''ve said, it seems to me like he is interested in continuing to date you but he is not interested in altering his lifestyle in any significant way (i.e. extra 30 minutes of driving round trip per day, moving, giving up his own space, selling his house, etc.). It seems like he''s happy with the status quo as it is and doesn''t see moving in together/marriage as a necessity at this time...or possibly ever.

It sounds like you very much want to get married, so I would have another conversation with him about what marriage will mean for the two of you -- the companionship, sharing a home and a life together, etc. It seems like he doesn''t fully understand the benefits that marriage would entail for you two specifically, so I think talking to him about what it is you want out of marriage might help him better see what the benefits could befor you as a couple.

That being said, I also think there''s a decent chance that this just might be a stall tactic...I can''t imagine not wanting to marry my significant other because it would entail an extra 30 minutes in the car each day! Then again, I''m not a 40 year old male who has gotten set in my ''single'' ways over the years, so I don''t know where he might be coming from. I think that extra driving time is a pretty lame excuse, so I would probably say "oh, well we can buy you some new CDs to make the drive more bearable!". If that''s his only excuse then he''ll likely come around and get excited about the prospect of being your husband. If it''s not, he''ll probably move on to complaining about the hassle/expense/inconvenience of moving, selling his house, etc. If he makes more excuses, I think you have your answer -- he just doesn''t really want to get married.

Best of luck to you, I hope it works out!

 

[breezy]

Thanks Wyndam. He had been talking about maybe investing in a rental property. So, I conveniently told him that he could rent out his townhouse (that is almost paid off) and start getting a great return on investment right away!

Given the economy, it might be easier to rent than sell anyway. It''s a win/win---don''t you think??? LOL

 

[janinegirly]

Hi Breezy,

Please do not be so down on yourself about age and it is not too late! The kids question--maybe, but then if you really were serious about kids you needed to be upfront about that with the bf once it got exculsive/serious. Once in your late 30''s, it''s just something that has to be spelled out since there isn''t much time. But maybe you weren''t really sure and that''s why the time just passed without a serious discussion.

I should mention I def sympathize--I have so many friends in their late 30''s who are gorgeous, look 10 years younger, have their stuff together (own houses, have MBA''s, strong careers, high income) and can''t find a guy to date, let alone marry! And they all want kids! But at their age, there are so many obstacles in the dating world--especially where I live (NYC). So, you''re already in much better shape by finding the man you do want to marry!

The thing I would suggest you consider is to have an honest and direct discussion with him. You seem to be trying to pressure him in various ways (diamonds, trips to NY discussed, trips to possible wedding destination discussed), but you need to really TALK to him about core issues. Does he want to marry you? Now? Not ready? Not into marriage--if so, why? How does he feel about you being the breadwinner? It just sounds like he is so wishy washy and hot and cold. So have that honest discussion now, otherwise you''re in for many drawn out months of waiting and mis-reading each others cues. Is he HEARING what you''re saying, or just trying to deflect by agreeing to the minimum or coming up with excuses? Are you prepared to leave him if he isn''t sure about marriage?

It''s alot, but you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you. However, like you said, not all men are communicative or affectionate, and it doesn''t mean they don''t have the feelings. So dig a little, but without pressure. It''s better to find out how he truly feels rather than be in another bad situation.

Good luck and keep us posted!!