Need Etiquette Help

[Worried1]

I attended the very upscale wedding of a work friend on Saturday night. It was beautiful, I was dressed to the nines, my boyfriend was wearing a tux. We had been looking at engagement rings the day before and that afternoon.

He asked me to dance to "My Girl" at the reception, and unexpectedly got down on one knee on the dance floor and proposed to me with a beautiful ring with which I''d fallen in love. The singer of the band stopped the music, asked if he saw what he just thought he saw and then made a big deal out of it. Everyone around us clapped and congratulated us, the official photographer came and took a picture of us, but apparently, when we left the reception, my "friends" all had a field day with the event and how inappropriate they thought it was. Except one, who took the high road and told me straight out how she felt.

So ... now I''m left with the decision on how to deal with this. Do I send a note apologizing to the bride and groom? Is this the world''s worst faux pas? I feel terrible and I don''t have the heart to say anything to my fiance, who will feel even worse that his big, romantic gesture is being received so badly. Help, please. I need to make this better ..

Thanks.

Lexy

 

[AceP]

people get so, so sensitive about weddings and keeping it "their" day. whether or not that''s fair, it''s just the way it is. since you were totally in the dark about it, i would send a note (or call) the bride/groom and just say quite simply that you hope they weren''t offended, it was in no way your intention to steal the spotlight, your man had this plan up his sleeve and he thought it would be romantic, simple as that. if they''re reasonable people, they''ll assure you that it''s fine and appreciate your consideration. as for your fiance, you can''t blame the poor guy. i''m sure he thought it was a perfect romantic moment, and men are clueless to these kinds of social mores.

 

[diamondfan]

Honestly I think it was not right to do in the middle of someone else''s wedding. It is the bride and groom''s day, and your proposal became a public issue during their party. If he had done it more on the sly and not in the middle of the dance floor, I would view it differently, and I am really not trying to be harsh, but just be honest. What was the need for him to do it then? Why could he not do it another time?

I was the first of the kids to get engaged in my family. My cousin then got engaged and I had to invite her fiance of one day to my wedding when I had no extra space. All during my wedding they were talking about their engagement and their plans and my friends were really livid. So I know a bit about how someone might feel in the circumstance...

 

[Worried1]

Understood. I wasn''t expecting it and would not have selected that as the time or place if I had been. Now that it''s done, any advice on how I address the faux pas??

 

[Worried1]

Thank you. I know that it was his intention to be romantic and you''re so very right - he just didn''t have a clue that it would be inappropriate... I don''t really know the groom, but the bride is very reasonable and sweet. I think a note to their house that will be waiting when they get back from their honeymoon and then maybe a follow-up lunch. Appreciate the note.

 

[Julian]

First of all, congratulations!

I would write a note something like this:

Dear ____,

Your wedding was beautiful, nearly as beautiful as the love you two share! I can only hope to have a wedding as memorable as yours was. I just wanted to thank you for your graciousness on your very special day. But most of all, I wanted to apologize if we stole any of the limelight at your reception!

I had no idea ____ was going to propose that night. Had I known, I would have done everything to dissauade him. Men! Sometimes they don't have a clue as to how a wedding is all about the bride. I really value your friendship and love you with all of my heart. How can I make this up to you? Can you forgive us?

I hope you had a wonderful honeymoon! Maybe in your glowing happiness you will overlook what happened! I hope you both are so full of love and happiness we can all just overlook ____'s impromptu proposal!

Anyway, that's my sincere hope! I'm enclosing a small gift to welcome you both home!

Lots of Love,

___________

Hope that helps!

Stuff happens. If she is a true friend, it will be water under the bridge. And it will be your running joke that she will have to pull some huge stunt at YOUR reception to make up for it! LOL.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

AceP,

What kind of dog is your avitar? S/he looks just like our dog who''s a Tibetan Terrier.

 

[nejarb]

I agree with the above post, except instead of apologizing for stealing limelight (whatever that is), I think you should just apologize for being a distraction during her reception. I''m sure she doesn''t really care too much anyways. also, don''t ask her to forgive you or what you can do to make up for it. just say "please forgive me."

as for your new FI, I don''t think you need to mention any of this to him. it will only make him feel bad and there''s really no point in telling him.

 

[WTNLVR]

I agree that it was poor timing, but not intentional so I hope she can just brush it off. A simple I'm sorry should suffice. I wouldn't mention anything to your fiance though, he'd be crushed I'm sure.

AceP is that a wheatie in your avatar??? I have 2 wheaties- cute!

 

[AceP]

that''s actually a goldendoodle in my avatar. he''s not mine, but i think he''s so cute! i live in a no-dogs-allowed city highrise, but if i ever make it out to the ''burbs, i''d love to have one!

 

[Maria D]

I guess I''m in the minority because I would have been thrilled if one of my friends got proposed to at my wedding (providing I thought her boyfriend was worthy, of course). Maybe it''s because I never got a proper proposal myself that I''m so happy when one someone I know does. Worried1, if your fiance had done something like borrow the singer''s microphone and asked you to marry him over the PA, then I think that would have been an over-the-top distraction. But he didn''t. The singer made a big deal out of it because, well, people get excited about proposals! It''s not your fiance''s fault that part happened. So, yes, go ahead and send a nice note, but please don''t let the snippitiness of your "friends" take away from your joy. It sounds like they are making too big a deal out of it.

On the old DiamondTalk, someone once told a story about how she (the bride), her groom and her sister''s boyfriend "rigged" the bouquet and garter toss so that her sister caught the bouquet and sis''s b.f. caught the garter. When the b.f. got down on one knee, instead of lasciviously doing the garter routine, he proposed with a ring. I thought that was the sweetest thing ever!

 

[swingirl]

The real goof was the singer in the band who should have known better since he acts as the MC for events he sings at. If grampa fell over and lost his pants the singer would have known better than to call it out to everyone.

Sorry for your embarrassment. I think the idea of a short note apologizing/explaining that it was unexpected but their beautiful wedding brought out the romantic side of your boyfriend. Well, something like that so you give the married couple a compliment and make them believe it was not planned on your part.

These poor guys, they try so hard to get it right when it comes to the proposal but I am convinced many of them wish they could send a mail and not have the pressure of a right or wrong "moment".

 

[diamondfan]

I agree that band mc should not have called such attention to it. And honestly I do not know a guy that would be that unaware that it is a bit of a faux pas. End of the world? No, but even if the bride is cool with it, I just think there were other times and places to propose, and now this is part of the other couple''s wedding permanently.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

First, congratulations!

That being said, I''m so sorry you''re in this position right now. Guys can be ridiculously clueless sometimes can''t they. I agree with the idea of sending a note saying how beautiful your friend''s wedding was and you had no idea what your fiance''s plans were, so you hope they''re not offended. There''s nothing you can do about it now, it''s done, and the singer definitely didn''t help the situation at all. Maybe your coworker thought nothing of it. Maybe they share Maria''s pov and were excited that another couple got engaged at their wedding. If she''s as sweet as she seems, I''m sure it will be fine when they return from their honeymoon. Congratulations again!

Now you know where you are right? We need to hear details about that ring of yours!

 

[Worried1]

Thanks to all of you for your help! I''ve sent a note addressed to both the bride and groom thanking them for allowing me to be there to celebrate their happiness and apologizing for the unexpected proposal on the dance floor. I let them know that my boyfriend (now FI) was trying to be romantic and didn''t think about how distracting it would be from their special day, mentioning that guys could sometimes be totally unaware (excepting the groom, of course). I asked them to extend my apologies for the disruption to both of their families, as well. I kept it fairly short and sweet, but very respectful. The note will be waiting for them at their new home when they get back from their honeymoon at the end of the week.

You''ve all been great - thanks again for your help!

Lexy

PS - The ring is VERY different! I''m attaching a pic, but it''s pretty blurry. I took it with my camera phone and it''s difficult to zoom in on something and have it be distinct. It''s white gold with a gorgeous, high quality 1/2 carat diamond. The bar running along side the diamond is yellow gold.

 

[anchor31]

Congratulations!

I think it was the right thing to write his note. I hope they weren''t too offended; I''m not sure how I would feel in this situation...

Try to take clearer pictures of that beauty!

 

[diamondhunter10]

I won''t beat a dead horse over this situation. But I do have to ask you what you boyfriend was think.Its all Hindsight now, but if that was my boyfriend and once I figured out what he was trying to do, I would of pulled him aside.
As we all know, men are wired differently, so I am sure that once it was explained to him what he did, he feels bad too. I would send a note and if I saw her at work I would apologize again and be done with it. Luckily it was a work friend vs a family members wedding, you would never hear the end of it.

 

[laine]

I think you responded perfectly. If the bride is so offended that she holds this against you (which I doubt), then she wasn''t much of a friend anyway.

Thats a really neat looking e-ring! I''d love to see a profile shot to see how it looks from the side. Try to get some better pictures (some have had good luck using a scanner--just put the ring or your hand right on the glass), and start yourself a thread over in Show Me The Ring.

 

[Julian]

Wow! That looks like a custom designed ring.

It's like a Van Gogh cubism painting! It's art AND jewelry!

Congratulations! Did you help design the ring or did he come up with it all on his own?

Very unique! I would love to hear the story behind it.

 

[Worried1]

Thanks for the kind words about my ring! No, it''s not custom designed, but we are custom designing a band to go with it that won''t take away the integrity of the piece. And we will be customizing his ring to look very similar, but much more masculine. It''s not actually an engagement ring, but what the heck... I fell in love with it.

Both of us are very non-traditional and I was thinking of letting him design it (he has impeccable taste, if not great timing!) and using a colored stone. He''s a rock and gem hound. I just wanted something that was ... me. We''ve both been married before and don''t care about the traditional ceremony and trappings (which is why I was so surprised by his very traditional proposal on one knee!) We both love contemporary art, furniture, houses, etc., and this caught my eye immediately. I knew it was not just me, but "us". Especially when we started talking about designing his to be similar. He wouldn''t wear a traditional band on a regular basis, but will wear something different like this.

It was happy luck that we ran into it at the jewelry store. If you''re looking for something different, try looking at other rings with an eye to using them as an engagement ring and not worrying about them looking traditional ...

I''m so glad you like it! I love it ...

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I think you did the right thing about sending a note or maybe you should talk to them in person. I agree with everyone that it was wrong of your FI to do that (I know you had nothing to do with it). Just proves how clueless guys are. I was the opposite of bridezilla at my wedding but honestly I would have been peeved if that happened at my wedding.

Congrats on your proposal though!

 

[Worried1]

Thanks to all who replied to my dilemma. I just wanted to post a quick update.

The bride got my note and when e-mailing a honeymoon update, said, "I got your note the other day - I don''t want you to feel sorry for the proposal at all - it didn''t bother me one iota!! Enjoy your new engagement! Ya Hoo! You are too silly!"

So ... she''s a sweetie who let me off the hook. But I think I did the right thing by at least acknowledging and apologizing for the faux pas. Again, thanks to everyone for the advice and encouragement. (Although I''m in a 3 day conference with her father, who is a very top executive at my company and I''m wondering if he recognizes me as the yahoo who got engaged at his daughter''s reception ... Can''t do much about that. I''m not about to bring it up to him!)

 

[findarock]

My friend''s buddy did a similiar thing in his haste to get married. Glad to hear that everything worked out.
nice Ring. Good luck to you and your FI!

 

[diamondfan]

Lexy, all is well that ends well. You never know how someone will act, so I think you took the high road and all is fine now. You also have a good sense of what kind of woman she is, seems like she is classy and able to see the big picture and move on! So I am glad it all is fine...