Need advice...ex issues!

[hisdiamondgirl]

I already posted this in the LIW which is where I usually hang out, but I wanted to repost it here since I know some of you don''t have much reason to wander over there too often. I really need help dealing with this. I am so angry that this woman still has power over me...

I really need some help on how to deal with this situation. I know that a lot of your responses are going to suggest that I talk to my BF about my feelings and, of course, that is something that I am seriously considering (and that I know I should probably do), the situation is just too new and I haven''t made up my mind how to deal with it yet.

Long story short, my BF''s CRAZY ex-FI has done a little resurfacing in our lives. I''m not of a mind to give too many details (you may find some of them in some of my old posts), but basically, this woman is really crazy, stalked me and BF in the past (to the point where I felt unsafe and had to get the police involved). This was at least 3 1/2 years ago and the last time we had any contact, albeit virtual (nasty Myspace messages from her, etc...) was going on 2 years ago. After all the craziness, the ex moved to another state so I felt pretty safe that there would be no run-ins, coincidental or premeditated (by her).

My BF has started his own business and uses Facebook to get the word out among his many, many acquaintances. Well yesterday, she left a message on his business page basically congratulating him and saying that she was glad to see his hard work paid off. My BF promptly deleted the message and neither one of us has mentioned it thus far (he basically doesn''t even know that I got to see it before he deleted it). Needless to say, many old feelings have resurfaced (I mean, this woman put me through hell, while I was studying for the BAR exam nonetheless). I cannot stand that she has reached out to him and I know that she does not have good intentions. I''m angry that I''m upset by it, because I know that is why she did it, to upset me, because she knew I would see it, and I feel like I am letting her get to me. Now, to make matters worse, it looks like she has moved back to our city. I am scared that he or I will run into her. I am scared that if he runs into her, he might talk to her (just because he is a nice person) and all I would really want is for him to act as if she doesn''t even exist. She does not deserve for him to address not one word to her, not even hello. My workplace is also pretty public, since if you do a simple google search of my name, my law firm''s website comes up, with my bio and work address, etc... I am scared that she might show up here (she''s done crazier things before). I really felt that she was out of our lives this time...but it seems that not. I want us to deal with whatever feelings her resurfacing might bring up together, but I don''t really want to bring it up with him and he is not the type to share his feelings about her with me, if anything, not to bring back some hurtful memories for the two of us.

The period of my life that involved her was a very dark place for me and I feel like I am back there again.

 

[somethingshiny]

I''m not sure what kind of advice you''re looking for. Obviously, if you''re in the Law business, you know where you stand legally (with restraining orders if it becomes necessary, etc). It appears that your BF is not interested in talking/seeing her. (of course, talk to him to verify.) If you run into her, politely excuse yourself. If she starts something, call the police. She may have been sincere with her congratulatory message. If I were you, I''d try to see it that way.

You''ll be fine. Your BF is with you. The years between may have been good for her. She may be a completely different person now. Even if she isn''t, don''t let it ruin your life.

 

[vintagelover229]

Date: 1/21/2009 8:44:16 PM
Author: somethingshiny
I''m not sure what kind of advice you''re looking for. Obviously, if you''re in the Law business, you know where you stand legally (with restraining orders if it becomes necessary, etc). It appears that your BF is not interested in talking/seeing her. (of course, talk to him to verify.) If you run into her, politely excuse yourself. If she starts something, call the police. She may have been sincere with her congratulatory message. If I were you, I''d try to see it that way.

You''ll be fine. Your BF is with you. The years between may have been good for her. She may be a completely different person now. Even if she isn''t, don''t let it ruin your life.

Ditto everything she said. I am sorry that you feel this way (with good reason it sounds like) and you need to sit with your FH and tell him how you feel, and what actions you will take if she decides to proceed how you fear she might. Make sure you both are clear on what actions you feel should be done together if she decides to go all crazy again.

But maybe she has changed (probably not, but maybe) I say probably not, mainly because I find it odd that you moved outta state...and now she lives in the same city as you. But you never know! Maybe she found a new guy to go crazy on.

One option is to check out her facebook account and see what shes been up to. It might give you an idea if shes still crazy or not.

 

[Circe]

Ignore, ignore, ignore! I''m generally pretty pro-confrontation, but when it comes to stalkerish behavior, *any* attention is good attention. I have one ex who e-mails me every year on my birthday: we broke up 7 years ago. It''s a crap way to start the year ... but since I stopped responding in any way at all, at least the intermittent messages throughout the rest of the year have fallen off.

Of course, that''s just for the ex ... for your BF, I''d say raise the issue once you cool down a bit and get your emotions under control. I''m betting that he opted not to tell you because he knew that it would upset you, and didn''t realize that you''d see her post ... but, a) you did, and b) protecting your feelings at the expense of the honesty of your relationship is no way to go.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/21/2009 9:31:53 PM
Author: Circe
Ignore, ignore, ignore! I''m generally pretty pro-confrontation, but when it comes to stalkerish behavior, *any* attention is good attention. I have one ex who e-mails me every year on my birthday: we broke up 7 years ago. It''s a crap way to start the year ... but since I stopped responding in any way at all, at least the intermittent messages throughout the rest of the year have fallen off.

Of course, that''s just for the ex ... for your BF, I''d say raise the issue once you cool down a bit and get your emotions under control. I''m betting that he opted not to tell you because he knew that it would upset you, and didn''t realize that you''d see her post ... but, a) you did, and b) protecting your feelings at the expense of the honesty of your relationship is no way to go.

I agree with the ignore part. But disagree with bringing it up right now to your BF. He hit delete. It''s not his fault she wrote a message on his facebook page. I''d wait and see, if she does it again. Which I hope she doesn''t. But your BF probably didn''t want to come home and say, hey, guess who I heard from today!! Yanno? Some things are best to die on their own... Hopefully this will be one of them.

 

[platinumrock]

Date: 1/21/2009 8:44:16 PM
Author: somethingshiny
I''m not sure what kind of advice you''re looking for. Obviously, if you''re in the Law business, you know where you stand legally (with restraining orders if it becomes necessary, etc). It appears that your BF is not interested in talking/seeing her. (of course, talk to him to verify.) If you run into her, politely excuse yourself. If she starts something, call the police. She may have been sincere with her congratulatory message. If I were you, I''d try to see it that way.

You''ll be fine. Your BF is with you. The years between may have been good for her. She may be a completely different person now. Even if she isn''t, don''t let it ruin your life.

I agree. All of those negative events associated with her were in the past. She may or may not have changed, but you can control how much influence she has in your life now. Your boyfriend chose you, not her. You''re the one he wants to be with.

As long as you limit your contact with her and stay out of her way, you should be okay. Unless you''re trying to find something in her behavior to support your suspicions.

 

[tlh]

Hi! First off let me say... wowza, what a history!

Now, sounds to me the ex had some issues. Her message was on Facebook, which is sort of a public forum. Perhaps she has received some counselling, and she really did mean those well wishes. Maybe she was psycho, because in her own INSANE way, needed some closure.

You said she was his ex-fi, did your man break it off... or did she? This matters, because if it was her, she may have had feelings of regret, and thought that because she ended things, she could get him back. If he ended things, she may have felt betrayed that he was able to move on so quickly, and hurt that he didnt want to be apart of her life anymore. Hey, I am not excusing her actions- you said the police had to be involved, so I am sure things got scarily out of hand.

All that said, women are not always rational. They also dont have the easiest of times letting go. As women, we also feel the need to ANALYZE everything, even when there was nothing to it. She may have simply saw his page about his business, thought (because no one ever thinks they are the crazy one!) "Hey, cool, congrats"- and that was that.

With all that said. Just ignore it. Because an unsolicited congratulations doesnt always need to be met w/ a Thank You. If you do happen to run into her, just keep it polite and under 60 seconds. If things get crazy again- go the legal route and get those papers drafted.

Best wishes to you. I hope you don''t hear from her again.

 

[laurel25]

I'm a bit confused - do business pages work differently than personal pages? Because I know on personal pages you have to be friends with the person to leave a message, do you not with business pages? If she's listed as a friend on his business page, then he should un-friend her, so that she can't leave messages there (if that's how it works).


>>

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Block her (it''s an option on Facebook, ya know?)...and forget it, you need to commit yourself to a "who cares" mantra.

Obviously he''s over her and has moved on...but sometimes it''s harder for the other person, the one left behind, to do the same. As women, no matter how crazy she is, and how annoyingly obvious her attemps are to get his attention, we still need to treat others the way we''d like to be treated...esspecially the ex-girlfriend with the broken heart. Compassion goes a long way in situations. By blocking her, you''re taking a passive attempt at gentally showing her it''s time to move on. You''re not getting lawyers, and cops, and judges involved...you''re being firm but kind.

You don''t owe this girl anything, any kindness you show her is simply out of the goodness of your heart...but always remember, it doesn''t take a talent to be mean--it shows a lot about your character to choose kindness, which is the road less traveled.

 

[Circe]

Date: 1/21/2009 9:47:42 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 1/21/2009 9:31:53 PM

Author: Circe

Ignore, ignore, ignore! I''m generally pretty pro-confrontation, but when it comes to stalkerish behavior, *any* attention is good attention. I have one ex who e-mails me every year on my birthday: we broke up 7 years ago. It''s a crap way to start the year ... but since I stopped responding in any way at all, at least the intermittent messages throughout the rest of the year have fallen off.


Of course, that''s just for the ex ... for your BF, I''d say raise the issue once you cool down a bit and get your emotions under control. I''m betting that he opted not to tell you because he knew that it would upset you, and didn''t realize that you''d see her post ... but, a) you did, and b) protecting your feelings at the expense of the honesty of your relationship is no way to go.

I agree with the ignore part. But disagree with bringing it up right now to your BF. He hit delete. It''s not his fault she wrote a message on his facebook page. I''d wait and see, if she does it again. Which I hope she doesn''t. But your BF probably didn''t want to come home and say, hey, guess who I heard from today!! Yanno? Some things are best to die on their own... Hopefully this will be one of them.

Kaleigh, I agree, his heart was probably in the right place ... but it sounds like some of the OP''s anxiety is coming from not knowing if they''re on the same page in other regards (i.e., how to handle it if they bump into her on the street). I think talking that through would be healthier than worrying over it alone.

And, Italia ... I agree that blocking on FaceBook is definitely the first step, but stalkers do not need kindness from their stalk-ees. They shouldn''t get any attention at all, because they''ll interpret it as encouragement. Third party intermediaries are definitely the way to go (though, honestly, I doubt anything can be done about internet contact unless there''s a pre-existing restraining order involved). I know you''re not saying she should invite this girl over for coffee-cake but should be sympathetic to her in her heart, but ... if she makes HDG feel threatened and unsafe, I don''t think sympathy is the way to go. Wariness, proper precautions, and doing your best to put her out of your head, maybe?

 

[jewelerman]

Date: 1/21/2009 7:40:56 PM
Author:hisdiamondgirl

I already posted this in the LIW which is where I usually hang out, but I wanted to repost it here since I know some of you don''t have much reason to wander over there too often. I really need help dealing with this. I am so angry that this woman still has power over me...

I really need some help on how to deal with this situation. I know that a lot of your responses are going to suggest that I talk to my BF about my feelings and, of course, that is something that I am seriously considering (and that I know I should probably do), the situation is just too new and I haven''t made up my mind how to deal with it yet.

Long story short, my BF''s CRAZY ex-FI has done a little resurfacing in our lives. I''m not of a mind to give too many details (you may find some of them in some of my old posts), but basically, this woman is really crazy, stalked me and BF in the past (to the point where I felt unsafe and had to get the police involved). This was at least 3 1/2 years ago and the last time we had any contact, albeit virtual (nasty Myspace messages from her, etc...) was going on 2 years ago. After all the craziness, the ex moved to another state so I felt pretty safe that there would be no run-ins, coincidental or premeditated (by her).

My BF has started his own business and uses Facebook to get the word out among his many, many acquaintances. Well yesterday, she left a message on his business page basically congratulating him and saying that she was glad to see his hard work paid off. My BF promptly deleted the message and neither one of us has mentioned it thus far (he basically doesn''t even know that I got to see it before he deleted it). Needless to say, many old feelings have resurfaced (I mean, this woman put me through hell, while I was studying for the BAR exam nonetheless). I cannot stand that she has reached out to him and I know that she does not have good intentions. I''m angry that I''m upset by it, because I know that is why she did it, to upset me, because she knew I would see it, and I feel like I am letting her get to me. Now, to make matters worse, it looks like she has moved back to our city. I am scared that he or I will run into her. I am scared that if he runs into her, he might talk to her (just because he is a nice person) and all I would really want is for him to act as if she doesn''t even exist. She does not deserve for him to address not one word to her, not even hello. My workplace is also pretty public, since if you do a simple google search of my name, my law firm''s website comes up, with my bio and work address, etc... I am scared that she might show up here (she''s done crazier things before). I really felt that she was out of our lives this time...but it seems that not. I want us to deal with whatever feelings her resurfacing might bring up together, but I don''t really want to bring it up with him and he is not the type to share his feelings about her with me, if anything, not to bring back some hurtful memories for the two of us.

The period of my life that involved her was a very dark place for me and I feel like I am back there again.

sorry to hear you are going throug this...by the way...your Kirk Kara setting is a favorite of mine!

 

[geckodani]

Wow - sounds like your BF has an ex very, very similar to my husband's. Crazy ass scary stalker woman. That called, and emailed, and facebooked, until she took the hint (DH stopped responding at all). We did not have to call in the police, but it was a very, very close thing and I we probably should have. This was about 2 or 3 years ago.

She does occasionally send the odd email or text message. They are deleted. We DO unfortunately run into her sometimes at choir events. At first she would come over and try to talk to us. Until one day I just looked at her and informed her, very calmly, that I did not care to sit with or talk to her, based on past experiences, and that she was not a welcome part of our world. She left.

Now, when we are forced to be in the same room, we do our best to ignore each other (all 3 of us). But every single time I see her - it brings back all of the bad memories of that awful period in time.

Has she changed - maybe. Do I care? No. Is that fair - probably not, but it's the way I feel. As Circe said, stalkers are not entitled to friendliness from their stalkees....

Should you talk to your BF about it- possibly. But he did delete the message, and from what you've said, he doesn't intend to have anything to do with her ever again. He probably already knows how upset the thought of her makes you. Does it suck? Yes. Is there anything you can do about the way you feel? No. But you CAN try to shake it off and realize that ultimately - you have your BF, you're happy, and that all that matters. Try not to let some crazy chick from the past ruin your day.

ETA: If you bump into her on the street, I'm a big fan of my comment to our crazy - Just tell her that you don't care to associate with her. End of story.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 1/22/2009 12:15:12 PM
Author: Circe

Date: 1/21/2009 9:47:42 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 1/21/2009 9:31:53 PM

Author: Circe

Ignore, ignore, ignore! I''m generally pretty pro-confrontation, but when it comes to stalkerish behavior, *any* attention is good attention. I have one ex who e-mails me every year on my birthday: we broke up 7 years ago. It''s a crap way to start the year ... but since I stopped responding in any way at all, at least the intermittent messages throughout the rest of the year have fallen off.


Of course, that''s just for the ex ... for your BF, I''d say raise the issue once you cool down a bit and get your emotions under control. I''m betting that he opted not to tell you because he knew that it would upset you, and didn''t realize that you''d see her post ... but, a) you did, and b) protecting your feelings at the expense of the honesty of your relationship is no way to go.

I agree with the ignore part. But disagree with bringing it up right now to your BF. He hit delete. It''s not his fault she wrote a message on his facebook page. I''d wait and see, if she does it again. Which I hope she doesn''t. But your BF probably didn''t want to come home and say, hey, guess who I heard from today!! Yanno? Some things are best to die on their own... Hopefully this will be one of them.

Kaleigh, I agree, his heart was probably in the right place ... but it sounds like some of the OP''s anxiety is coming from not knowing if they''re on the same page in other regards (i.e., how to handle it if they bump into her on the street). I think talking that through would be healthier than worrying over it alone.

And, Italia ... I agree that blocking on FaceBook is definitely the first step, but stalkers do not need kindness from their stalk-ees. They shouldn''t get any attention at all, because they''ll interpret it as encouragement. Third party intermediaries are definitely the way to go (though, honestly, I doubt anything can be done about internet contact unless there''s a pre-existing restraining order involved). I know you''re not saying she should invite this girl over for coffee-cake but should be sympathetic to her in her heart, but ... if she makes HDG feel threatened and unsafe, I don''t think sympathy is the way to go. Wariness, proper precautions, and doing your best to put her out of your head, maybe?

No, I am not saying invite her over for coffee cake, and I''m not even saying to have a conversation with this woman...I''m simply suggesting that by sending messages with the OP''s actions rather than getting huffy, and pissy about it might solve the problem.

Legally speaking, there is no real way to police Myspace or Facebook or any other networking sites...heck, you cannot even get someone in serious trouble if they are making threats over the internet. So, dealing with those laws, I think the best solution is to simply send her the message via blocking her.

And yes, being alert and aware is always good advice...sure. But sometimes how you response to an issue can either "kill it" or "drag it along"...going back and forth, IMHO, is a childish and ineffective approach. By simply shutting the persons access to you down, you''re effectively killing it.

And, btw, it''s funny that this topic should be brought up because they were discussing this on my AM Talk radio...how people after a break up keep the lines of communication open...and how people that aren''t truly ready to let go, or people that enjoy the drama of the whole thing, always manage to find ways to keep it going and going and going...always another excuse as to why they simply cannot cease contact. And, a lot of the callers talked about FB and MS.

I say block her and move on.

 

[Circe]

Date: 1/22/2009 12:35:18 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

Date: 1/22/2009 12:15:12 PM

No, I am not saying invite her over for coffee cake, and I''m not even saying to have a conversation with this woman...I''m simply suggesting that by sending messages with the OP''s actions rather than getting huffy, and pissy about it might solve the problem.


Legally speaking, there is no real way to police Myspace or Facebook or any other networking sites...heck, you cannot even get someone in serious trouble if they are making threats over the internet. So, dealing with those laws, I think the best solution is to simply send her the message via blocking her.


And yes, being alert and aware is always good advice...sure. But sometimes how you response to an issue can either ''kill it'' or ''drag it along''...going back and forth, IMHO, is a childish and ineffective approach. By simply shutting the persons access to you down, you''re effectively killing it.


And, btw, it''s funny that this topic should be brought up because they were discussing this on my AM Talk radio...how people after a break up keep the lines of communication open...and how people that aren''t truly ready to let go, or people that enjoy the drama of the whole thing, always manage to find ways to keep it going and going and going...always another excuse as to why they simply cannot cease contact. And, a lot of the callers talked about FB and MS.


I say block her and move on.

Aaaaaaa, okay - second post, I agree with completely. The first one made me pull up short a little, I think, because women are socialized to be "nice" at the expense of their own safety all to frequently: we''re told to give anybody the benefit of the doubt ahead of ourselves. It''s bad enough in social environments, but in a stalker situation ... potential for badness. Thanks for clarifying!

 

[hisdiamondgirl]

Wow...thank you soooo sooo much everyone. Your comments have really helped me to see things in perspective (or begin to see things in perspective anyway!). You are all right, those things were in the past, my BF chose me because he wants to be with me. It just brings back so many bad memories that it threw me off there for a little bit!

somethingshiny -- You''re right...no matter what, I can''t let her ruin my life. That is why I hesitate to bring things up with the BF. I mean, what really can it accomplish, except to have this somber conversation, that is going to make us both upset. Also, he doesn''t know that I saw it, and I keep leaning towards not saying anything because I don''t want him to feel bad that I''m upset, KWIM?

redrose -- I think that if she had changed, she would realize that the more mature thing to do is to stay away. She knows what she did so to just show up and leave a message is like a slap in the face..."I''m baaaack!"

Circe -- That is what I have done thus far, just ignored her behavior, until it came to the point where I felt unsafe and had to get the authorities involved. I will continue to do that. As to the bringing it up part, I''m really not sure what to do. Like I said, I don''t want my BF to feel bad that I saw it and am upset by it, but I also can''t let it eat at me either. I think I will wait and see how I feel in a couple of days (I am pms''ing to boot

).

Kaleigh -- thanks so much for responding. You''re one of my favorite posters and I am honored that you took the time! I hope I can just let it go and let it die without bringing it up...we don''t need the stress!

platinumrock -- you''re right...I just need to keep repeating that to myself!

tlh -- things were scary, very scary, and during an already stressful time in my life (bar exam and all!). He ended the engagement because she became a psycho (long story, but the scariness started even before he was with me!). I just can''t for the life of me imagine that her post was innocent and well intentioned. Thanks for the support and I do hope she just goes away!

Italia -- I don''t know if there is an option to block people from business pages on FB. If there is, I''m pretty sure my BF took care of it! Trust me, I did try to be the bigger person with her for a long time. I tried to reason with her when she would call me at first, to no avail of course! Now, it has basically come to the point that I cannot stand the thought of her nor the mention of anyone with her first name

and there is no compassion for her left in me! If she ever comes near me again, I fear that I will have no choice but to call the police...she scares me! Also, you bring up that some people leave channels of communication open because they like the drama and I know you weren''t saying this was our situation. However, I just wanted to clarify that both our personal FB pages are private, and she is blocked from even finding me if she does a search on it. Also, when she was sending me Myspace messages a few years back, I had blocked her main account, and she created a brand new account (that I obviously couldn''t block because I didn''t know it existed) to send me nasty messages...I don''t use myspace anymore!

jewelerman -- thanks for the support. Now, if only my BF would hurry up and actually get that setting on my finger!!

geckodani -- sorry to hear that you have had to go through the same thing! My BF had to change his phone number about 5 times (we figured one of his friends was a mole, but never did figure out who it was!) as she would call him and me 100 times a day!!!! I feel the same way as you, I don''t care if she''s changed, it is not my business! I just want her to stay away, ya know!?!?! Thanks very much for sharing your experience with me!

Thanks for all your responses and support. They are greatly appreciated!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

In the end, you cannot control what another person will do. Unfortunately, some people just aren't built with the same common sense that we are...and those types of people are scary.

I believe that is she intentionally seeks you out for a face to face stand off, then yes, you have to call the police for your personal safety. But at this point, based off of one FB message that can now be blocked and deleted, I think you need to just let it go. If you play into the back and forth game, like mental tug-of-war, you're giving her exactly the reaction she wanted. By doing nothing at all, you're winning believe it or not. Or, better yet, delete the FB account. I know you're going to say "he uses it for networking" ... but whats more important, networking or peace of mind?

Sometimes you have to give to get...and if you want to get space and peace, then you might have to give up FB if you fear she's going to be continuing to harrass you via it.