My Youngest is Getting Older and I’m Having a Hard Time...

[House Cat]

I have four children who are ages 26, 25, 25, and 14. My youngest son just started high school a couple of weeks ago. I hate to admit it but I have been really in touch with the fact that there will only be a few more years of having him live in the house. I guess this is the place where I should tell you that I have been raising children since I was 19 years old. I’m certain part of my melancholy might have to do with a bit of an identity crisis. With my other kids, I was so happy to watch them reach their milestones into adulthood. With this child, I just want to put cheerios on his high chair again.

Does this feeling pass? I want to feel happiness for his more independent years. Also, I don’t want to be a creepy, needy mom who walks around in a sweatshirt with a photo of her kid’s face on the front, you know?

I’ll take any advice I can get...

 

[whitewave]

I boo hooed their senior year from March-May (I have twins too). I mean, really really sobbed which caught me off guard because I had too many too close together and I am frankly tired of raising kids.

Then I got over it and I’m thrilled when they don’t call lol. I assume it means they don’t need me and I love that feeling.

Hugs, mom.

 

[tigertales]

OMG, you too? Mine have left the nest in the past few years, and I am feeling a terrible sense of emptiness, and I have a pretty accomplished life and active schedule.

Being a mom is, YES, the core of my fulfillment and happiness. I miss them terribly.

I totally get you, House cat. Thank you for making me feel not so alone in this.

Enjoy your little "caboose" all you want. Time flies, doesn't it?

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

I didn't find the high school years very easy to navigate--challenging time for young adults. He might lean on you more than you imagine. Luckily you'll be there for him. (with cheerios)

cheers--Sharon

 

[tigertales]

HI:

I didn't find the high school years very easy to navigate--challenging time for young adults. He might lean on you more than you imagine. Luckily you'll be there for him. (with cheerios)

cheers--Sharon

yes, HC has at least 6 more years of being leaned on before true melancholy sets in. And I have to laugh...when the teen age years hit, well, I think it's God's way of making it easier on us when they do leave home.

 

[arkieb1]

My son is 11 he starts high school next year. We only were ever able to have one child, I often think wistfully about how fast he is growing up.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

just a PSA
i am a available for adoption

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I have four children who are ages 26, 25, 25, and 14. My youngest son just started high school a couple of weeks ago. I hate to admit it but I have been really in touch with the fact that there will only be a few more years of having him live in the house. I guess this is the place where I should tell you that I have been raising children since I was 19 years old. I’m certain part of my melancholy might have to do with a bit of an identity crisis. With my other kids, I was so happy to watch them reach their milestones into adulthood. With this child, I just want to put cheerios on his high chair again.

Does this feeling pass? I want to feel happiness for his more independent years. Also, I don’t want to be a creepy, needy mom who walks around in a sweatshirt with a photo of her kid’s face on the front, you know?

I’ll take any advice I can get...

oh dear house cat. im sorry you feel sad
ive never been a mother so i dont know how this feels
but i had a friend at work who got so sad when her little boy turned 5 and started school and he didn't want her to kiss him at the school gate or walk in with him
she came to work that morning and said she had lost her best friend
i had never thought about stuff like that before because ive only ever been the child and never the parent
so i don't have any advice to give
but you know take a breather and have a bit of a rest because he's going to be making a whole bunch of new friends who will be eatting you out of house and home any day now

 

[lyra]

The high school years were tough. Are you sure he will leave home at 18? Our daughters never left home. Extenuating circumstances, but the thought of one or both leaving now is kind of sad. But they are 29 and 32... Problem was we live within easy commuting distance of many colleges. They never had to leave, and then both had school interruptions due to ADHD. It will work out though HouseCat. You're a good mom and letting go is hard.

 

[winnietucker]

You sound like a such a sweet mom. I’m as old as your oldest and my mom had me at 19 too. However my mom was thrilled when I moved out at 17. I think she’s counting down the days until my baby sister moves out too... my sister is 17 years younger than I am so she has quite a while. I think the idea of not caring for anyone is exciting for her (which I understand).

I hope you don’t find it too sad when your youngest gets older. My mom is not the sweet, make cookies for you kind of mom that I used to think I wanted... but we’ve become much closer as I’ve gotten older. She went from being just mom to being more of a friend. We’re not physically close anymore but we text almost everyday. I can really appreciate different things about her now that I’m older (like how witty she is). I hope there’s a similar, positive change in your relationship with your son.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I have two sons twelve and five years old and maybe it's because I'm burnt out after being home with them for twelve years but I enjoy them getting older and doing things for themselves, within reason. We've just started letting our older son run errands, he can mail packages at the post office and run to the store and buy a few things. Of course I also have another thirteen years to go with our little one so by the time he is in high school I will probably be in your shoes!

As Lyra pointed out, you don't know if your youngest will opt to live with you and go to college or attend school close enough that he will drop in regularly and that might ease that transition too. If he is receptive try spending some time doing things he likes to do, maybe if he enjoys video games you could join in, just making memories in these high school years might help a bit. Or if he is really into his friends you could do some fun seasonal things like in the Northeast we go apple picking in the Fall, everyone loves to pick apples and that way he is having fun with his friends (which is what teenagers are into but you get to be a part of that too).

It's not the end of the story just a different chapter with new adventures to explore!

 

[Un_Petit_Rayon_de_Soleil]

I am absolutely right there with you. My two older boys just finished their two year degrees and have now moved away to University, my third son is now at the local college and my daughter is on track to finish her associates degree by 17 and has already been touring Universities. I have been having a bit of a crisis. I have been raising kids since I was 21. Stopped working as a trauma nurse early in their childhood to stay home to homeschool. I do have a Real Estate company with my husband and I travel to help out in disaster situations with my unit, but my main focus has been the kids. Feeling out of sorts. Lots of well wishes to you!

I have four children who are ages 26, 25, 25, and 14. My youngest son just started high school a couple of weeks ago. I hate to admit it but I have been really in touch with the fact that there will only be a few more years of having him live in the house. I guess this is the place where I should tell you that I have been raising children since I was 19 years old. I’m certain part of my melancholy might have to do with a bit of an identity crisis. With my other kids, I was so happy to watch them reach their milestones into adulthood. With this child, I just want to put cheerios on his high chair again.

Does this feeling pass? I want to feel happiness for his more independent years. Also, I don’t want to be a creepy, needy mom who walks around in a sweatshirt with a photo of her kid’s face on the front, you know?

I’ll take any advice I can get...

 

[Bonfire]

Aww @House Cat I think we all can relate to this. My son is 33 and my daughter is 30. Both are married and my son has two babies of his own I won’t kid you, I was sad when my nest was empty. I’ve embraced the milestones, but It’s bittersweet for sure. It’s a poignant time you are heading into, teen years and young adulthood. You’ve been parenting for a long time! Your identity is on the verge of changing too. But hey, you still have the high school years! Savor everyday, and it’s ok to feel whatever you feel.

 

[Queenie60]

You’re a good mom @House Cat Enjoy your child while you have him - time will allow you to adjust to the progress. Enjoy now and wait for the future to take on whatever it will. This too, shall pass. Q

 

[Gussie]

I completely understand! My kids are 15, 12, and 10. The oldest turns 16 in a few days and I can't believe it. I haven't faced many hard teen problems yet but I expect the ups and downs will come. I go between loving to see them thrive and evolve to wishing I could rock them again. I suspect this is normal. Being a parent is the absolute hardest, yet most rewarding journey. I never understood the love my parents had until I was a mom. I tell myself that I am still rocking all three of them, just in a different way, nurturing them at different stages in ways that help them on their paths to becoming kind, caring, responsible adults.

@House Cat, you sound like a great mom and you definitely aren't alone in your thoughts. Hugs to you!

 

[arkieb1]

My sister in law who has 5 kids really lost the plot when her youngest left home she cried a lot and just generally lost it for a couple of months. When she got herself back together she said it was like grieving part of her own identity she felt when the kids left home she lost not just them, but a piece of herself and had a major identity crisis.

You will be happy to know she got over it by starting a medium sized business, travelling a lot and doing two degrees. She is now a grandmother of her first grandchild, is finishing a degree in archeology and running a successful business.

When they all leave the nest, it is O.K to be sad for a while, but like my sister in law you will pick yourself up and find new things out about yourself and all the wonderful new opportunities that also brings.

 

[chrono]

It probably sounds mean but it's time to reinvent yourself into a different role; YOU. Invest in yourself as a person. Find a hobby or something you enjoy doing. Time to strengthen your relationship with your spouse. I don't mean right away, ofc, since your children are forever and they will come back once a while for support and etc.

I'm sorry I'm not good with words and hope it doesn't come off as callous and unfeeling.

 

[diamondringlover]

I appreciate the freedom to do what I want when I want, no more school schedules to work around, I still have my youngest at home he is 22, my oldest moved out he is 33, I at times do feel a little lost on what is next in life, I am getting closer to retirement and I am already trying to figure out what I want to do about all that..I am a planner so I always need to plan something...

 

[Austina]

My son is 36 today and hasn’t lived at home since he was about 22. He lived in Thailand for a while and has been living in the US for the last 7 years.

I can’t say that I was worried about him leaving home or even going to live abroad. I felt that I’d raised him to be independent and adventurous, and honestly, as I’d been at home with him since he was born, I was glad to get back to being me, rather than feeling that my only identity was as his Mum.

Maybe I’m the odd one out here

 

[mrs-b]

My godkids are like my children. Due to their parents' divorce and ensuing issues, I stepped in as mom and have been a third parent to them ever since. I also buy all their clothes, organize all their birthday parties and get all their birthday and Christmas gifts. So when I saw a beautiful doll's house the other day, I thought to myself, "I'd *love* to get this for my baby girl!"

Eleanor is 18. Was a hideous jolt when I remembered this.

Here's a photo of me taking her to school on her first day of kindy and celebrating with her 2 months ago when she graduated high school. I didn't cry. I swear, I didn't cry....

ETA Re advice - all I can tell you is what I've told myself all their lives: my job is to bring them to a place where they don't need me. I don't mean that relationally, of course, but I tried to bring up emotionally, socially, morally, academically, physically and spiritually healthy human beings. They both have great relationships with both biological parents and also with me, they both go to wonderful schools and have excellent careers picked out, they have great friends, they're kind, generous, respectful, their morals are set by their belief in God and their service to their fellow man and...well, I could go on and on. So it hurt when they left (my girl's older brother is currently studying in Florence) - but they both call often and ask for my advice if they need it. Otherwise, they're ready to fly the coop and are doing so, successfully, and I try to celebrate that. Sort of. :- /

 

[House Cat]

Thanks for all of the support. It’s good to know that this feeling will pass. Hopefully, because I’m feeling it early, it will pass early too. I don’t want to feel this for all of his high school years.

I don’t know for sure if this boy will be out of the house at 18, but he sure tells me that he will be. He’s an independent soul. He has a desire to do things his own way. I believe him when he says he will leave as soon as possible.

I agree with everyone who said I need to figure out what I’m going to do with myself. I’ve been trying to figure that out. I realize this is part of my “crisis.” I never thought I would be the kind of person who had her identity all wrapped up in her kids, but here I am. I don’t know how to set about figuring out who I will be but I think it’s ok to allow my personhood to evolve over time by choosing things I like to do and finding people I like spending time with. My life is very small right now. I think it’s time to give myself permission to allow it to grow.

 

[lyra]

I think you'll be fine in time. I guess the benefit of my kids never leaving home is that I'm actually looking forward to an empty nest. Dare I say I'm making tentative plans for my youngest daughter's room already. My oldest daughter just got engaged last night, so there's definitely a countdown for her too. Maybe when they're both gone we will downsize again. I don't know. We're not promised grandchildren, and shouldn't expect them since my youngest doesn't want kids, and my oldest has a fertility issue. This was all hard to accept, it took years, but I'm at peace with that part now. You will find peace too. It's a long process from birth to total independence. Maybe a little too long in my case, but it all works out in the end.

 

[tigertales]

I think you'll be fine in time. I guess the benefit of my kids never leaving home is that I'm actually looking forward to an empty nest. Dare I say I'm making tentative plans for my youngest daughter's room already. My oldest daughter just got engaged last night, so there's definitely a countdown for her too. Maybe when they're both gone we will downsize again. I don't know. We're not promised grandchildren, and shouldn't expect them since my youngest doesn't want kids, and my oldest has a fertility issue. This was all hard to accept, it took years, but I'm at peace with that part now. You will find peace too. It's a long process from birth to total independence. Maybe a little too long in my case, but it all works out in the end.

...and a good dog, or two, by your side definitely helps.

 

[yssie]

@mrs-b Your photos made me tear up. Thank you for posting them - your children are lucky to have you

 

[mrs-b]

Thanks, @yssie The evening before Eleanor started school I remember in the late afternoon/early evening thinking to myself "The house is toooo quiet...." I went looking for her and found her in the living room with a pair of scissors, giving herself bangs (and various other effects, as it turned out) "...so I can look pretty on my first day!" I remember I did what I could at the time, but she pretty much had a bird's nest on her head for her first day of school before I could get her to a hairdresser. It was an excellent lesson that one does what one can, not necessarily what one wants, when it comes to kids, and it never pays to sweat the small stuff.

This is a photo of my beautiful boy, Nathaniel, at his 21st in late June. He's currently in Florence for a semester of studying abroad and doing an internship in the State Archives in Florence, working on the Medici Archive Project, which is mapping and archiving all the Medici artifacts held by that system. I am so proud of him it defies words, but I hate his being away more than he'll ever know. (@House Cat -please forgive the thread jack!)

 

[mrs-b]

@House Cat - it's 3.51am here and I'm wide awake and whiling away the time on PS re-reading this thread. It really struck me, what you said re giving yourself permission to allow your life to grow. I saw 2 completely contrary examples of that in my life.

My sister married at 21, started having kids at 22, had 3 under 3, and was only 48 when her eldest child turned 26. She'd been a teacher all her adult life, but kicked it up a notch as her kids got older and went on to to be the principal at a very high profile school and is on various high level government boards. She had a huge career after her kids were grown and her life got very big.

My mother, on the other hand, married at 33, had her first child at 34, and never lived to see her turn 26. I know that sounds maudlin, but my point is - so much comes down to health. So I think the first thing here is to look after yourself physically, so that the world can open up at any age. I've known women at 80 who were physically more fit than my mother at 50 and had lives my mother never got to experience.

I'm calculating that you're only in your 40's, which means you've got that awesome combination of experience, maturity, resources and vitality. Physically, I was definitely fitter at 45 than at any other point of my life. So, if you want to, now is the perfect time to tap into all those resources and have exactly the life you want. I think the trick is to keep looking forward, rather than back, because once you tell yourself that the life you want was whatever you had 10 years ago, you're pretty much stuffed. I remember hitting 50 and internally wailing "It's all almost over!" But then I thought - what if I live to 85?? At 85, I'll look back on 50 and think "What the heck was I going on about?? I was a whippersnapper! I had another 35 years to do ANYthing!" But again, it all comes back to health....

And if I knew you in real life, I'd totally get you a sweatshirt with your kids' faces on it, with the writing "World's Best Mom' on the back.

 

[yssie]

Thanks, @yssie The evening before Eleanor started school I remember in the late afternoon/early evening thinking to myself "The house is toooo quiet...." I went looking for her and found her in the living room with a pair of scissors, giving herself bangs (and various other effects, as it turned out) "...so I can look pretty on my first day!" I remember I did what I could at the time, but she pretty much had a bird's nest on her head for her first day of school before I could get her to a hairdresser. It was an excellent lesson that one does what one can, not necessarily what one wants, when it comes to kids, and it never pays to sweat the small stuff.

This is a photo of my beautiful boy, Nathaniel, at his 21st in late June. He's currently in Florence for a semester of studying abroad and doing an internship in the State Archives in Florence, working on the Medici Archive Project, which is mapping and archiving all the Medici artifacts held by that system. I am so proud of him it defies words, but I hate his being away more than he'll ever know. (@House Cat -please forgive the thread jack!)

I’m laughing!! My mother kept my hair short as a child (given my habit of using my hair as an always-there hand towel - I don’t blame her) and I always wanted it long. Long like Sodalis’ and Sonita’s. So one day I cut fronds into some black construction paper and glued them into my hair. I remember doing this, and I remember her reaction. Really just not much you can do with kids sometimes!

Happy 21st and congratulations to Nathaniel!! I was reading an article somewhere on how it was difficult for people to choose careers nowadays partly because there are so many options... His internship sounds wonderful - I hope he finds it fulfilling and rewarding

 

[Snowdrop13]

I have nothing constructive to add apart from empathy, being in a similar situation almost “suddenly” finding myself with a 15 and 17 year old! We are looking at universities now, where did all the time go?

I love the comments on this thread, PS has such a wealth of life experience to tap!

 

[jeweln]

House Cat
I too have been raising kids since I was 18 . My youngest is 12 now . I am actually starting to feel not needed lately .What is making the matter worse is my son who is 17 . He was such an ideal child till he turned 15 , after that he doesn't want me in his life . He will be nice to his siblings, teachers , outsiders ... but to me he is always mean . Even this morning he hurt his foot and I ran to him with a band aid and he refused it . I had tears in eyes , I was hurt . I know he wants to be independent of me and his hormones are kicking in but it is still painful . I really miss the time when I had 3 kids under the age of 5 and was always physically tired but satisfied . I have turned into gardening , I take care of my plants like they are my kids . still I feel empty inside . I always identified myself as a caring mother . When I think of an empty house with only my husband and me , I really panic . I think I would move to be near my kids .

 

[House Cat]

@House Cat - it's 3.51am here and I'm wide awake and whiling away the time on PS re-reading this thread. It really struck me, what you said re giving yourself permission to allow your life to grow. I saw 2 completely contrary examples of that in my life.

My sister married at 21, started having kids at 22, had 3 under 3, and was only 48 when her eldest child turned 26. She'd been a teacher all her adult life, but kicked it up a notch as her kids got older and went on to to be the principal at a very high profile school and is on various high level government boards. She had a huge career after her kids were grown and her life got very big.

My mother, on the other hand, married at 33, had her first child at 34, and never lived to see her turn 26. I know that sounds maudlin, but my point is - so much comes down to health. So I think the first thing here is to look after yourself physically, so that the world can open up at any age. I've known women at 80 who were physically more fit than my mother at 50 and had lives my mother never got to experience.

I'm calculating that you're only in your 40's, which means you've got that awesome combination of experience, maturity, resources and vitality. Physically, I was definitely fitter at 45 than at any other point of my life. So, if you want to, now is the perfect time to tap into all those resources and have exactly the life you want. I think the trick is to keep looking forward, rather than back, because once you tell yourself that the life you want was whatever you had 10 years ago, you're pretty much stuffed. I remember hitting 50 and internally wailing "It's all almost over!" But then I thought - what if I live to 85?? At 85, I'll look back on 50 and think "What the heck was I going on about?? I was a whippersnapper! I had another 35 years to do ANYthing!" But again, it all comes back to health....

And if I knew you in real life, I'd totally get you a sweatshirt with your kids' faces on it, with the writing "World's Best Mom' on the back.

I would totally rock that sweatshirt to my son’s back to school night tonight if I could...LOL!

Thank you for the advice about looking forward. I have a huge tendency to look backward. This is something I need to be more mindful of so that I can correct this toxic thinking. I’ve been stuck in remembering when I had a full house and things were chaotic and my butt was nicer...LOL. I still cook for an army, I just call it meal prepping. It’s time to let go a little. Life has changed. I need to accept that fact.

I’m physically healthy. We had a health scare in our home with my husband getting diagnosed with type two diabetes. This means eating is completely clean around here. There is no processed food, sugar, or flour. This way of eating has done him wonders and has also had positive effects on me.


This weekend the youngest and his dad were on a huge ranch in the California foothills. While on that ranch, our son said that he wanted to get a ranch like that someday and put us on it with him. I know he’s young but hearing he said that warmed my heart.

I love all of your photos. Thank you so much for sharing.