Wedding My sister is being so mean what should I do?

[swimmer]

I think a Mad Hatter themed shower would be fabulous. Wondering, would your sister be way into that? I've been a bridesmaid so many times now, found out only recently that the best shower is the one the bride wants, even if it is totally boring or blah or whatever pedestrian thing you hate about showers happens to be. If she is into Alice and all, would people wear hats? Tea party! Probably presents should be stuff she needs...rather than fun stuff. I don't know, she seems like someone who is hard to please...

I was going to chime in with Gwyn till I realized that your sister didn't see you get married. That changes everything. My sister and I are super tight, but she didn't comment on the photos or watch the video or send a card, I hadn't realized that till reading your post. But she was there and that was all i needed/wanted. Sounds like you two need a HtH slumber party with bridal mags or something bonding? tea if that is too much time?

Good luck!

 

[diamondfan]

Mia, when someone is feeling that way towards you, after a long time, it ceases to be about YOU as much as it is about them. At this point, the issues are there. You are in the situation, maybe based on some legitimate feelings on both sides, but things have escalated to a point where normal little things that would not be an issue otherwise are taking center stage. If someone WANTS to be miffed and hurt and competitive, they DO it, not even 100% consciously or intentionally. If you guys had dealt with it earlier on, you might not be at this point now, but you are. And maybe little things are just going to be hurtful right now and you should, for the time being, minimize the contact you have with her.

 

[mia1181]

You know swimmer, when my sister first got engaged she wouldn''t say who was her MOH, and I think it was because she wanted it to be her friend (the same one who I know she talks about me to) and was afraid to tell me for fear that I would be mad. So I basicly told her a million times that it was her day and she could do whatever she wanted and I would not be hurt and blah blah blah. Well she still hasn''t said a word so I don''t really get it, but this friend has been so overbearing and I know she wants to do the shower. Well then I came across the mad hatter themed shower idea and I just had so many exciting ideas and I wanted to do something really special so I wrote my sister saying "Look I have this great idea for a shower and I don''t know what your friend wanted to do but I thought this would be fun and I listed all of my ideas. Well she wrote back that her friend loved the idea and it sounds good. So I know she likes the idea. It was just really weird that her friend felt the need to check up on me that I am doing my work. Well no, I have lots of ideas but I haven''t really set anything in stone because the wedding is not until July! Plus I''m sorry but I was busy with my OWN wedding. Then her friend wrote me back with info that she found about mad hatter parties like "well have you thought of this or that...." And I am just at a point here where if her friend wants to take over maybe she should....

But I know that''s not the answer.... my mother''s best advice ever is "kill them with kindness" and that is what I will do. Obviously her friend is worried I am incompetent, but she will see... It will be a very nice party.

But in case you were interested here are some of the details:

My sis is a bookworm so the theme is not going to be so much Alice, but more books and whimsy.
- we will have one of those crooked tier cakes
- hanging paper lanterns
-tea pot centerpieces
-hats will be suggested on the invitation
- tables will either be one big long table or a few long tables, like in the story
-cookies and cupcakes that say eat me, cups will say "drink me"
-tea cup votives
-bright colors

It should be very pretty...

 

[mia1181]

Date: 10/12/2008 2:41:42 PM
Author: diamondfan
Mia, when someone is feeling that way towards you, after a long time, it ceases to be about YOU as much as it is about them. At this point, the issues are there. You are in the situation, maybe based on some legitimate feelings on both sides, but things have escalated to a point where normal little things that would not be an issue otherwise are taking center stage. If someone WANTS to be miffed and hurt and competitive, they DO it, not even 100% consciously or intentionally. If you guys had dealt with it earlier on, you might not be at this point now, but you are. And maybe little things are just going to be hurtful right now and you should, for the time being, minimize the contact you have with her.

This is sorta what I am thinking.... I just know her too well to think I am going to present her with my feelings and she is just going to realize (or even admit) that she has been rude and apologize. Or she will apologize, and then go on to keep doing what she is doing. I guess I am thinking this one little incident showed me her true colors. I''m starting to think she just doesn''t like me and I am not going to beg someone to like me.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I agree you should talk to her but NOT bring anything up from the past. That is just fighting dirty. Also realize that we do not choose our family. Sounds like you and your sister are different and would never be friends if you weren''t related. That being said try to see things from her point of view. That helps me understand other people a lot.

 

[swimmer]

The shower plans sound awesome, I just wanted to check in and see if she would appreciate you and your efforts...but she might not anyway. Your plans sound awesome. Enjoy it as much as you can.

 

[dragonfly411]

Mia
I''m sorry your sister is being wretched (hugs). I would honestly sit her down and explain to her that you are hurt by her not being happy for you. That you are happy for her because she is your sister and you want her to be happy and have a great life. I would also explain that your life is NOT perfect, but that you work hard to make the best out of everything. Maybe you could talk to her about if she ever needs advice on saving or anything like that, you''d love to be the one who is there to help her?

 

[lliang_chi]

Mia,

Sorry you''re going through this. It''s up to you if you want to talk to her about it. I''d say it will need to come out in the open at some point, but really you''re more in touch with what''s going on.

As far as an outside opinion to see if you were justified in feeling snubbed, yes, you''re justified.

You also sound like a really nice sister and your family is lucky to have you.

I can''t say much to what you''re dealing with your sister. I have a twin sister and we have a really close relationship. But we also had a blow up a few months ago. It turned out for the best and we''re okay now. In my instance, confrontation and just getting everything out made things better. I hope something can help you two resolve these negative feelings. It sounds like you really just want your sister to be happy. You should let her know that.

Good luck!

 

[meresal]

Mia, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. I have an older sister, who I took being the baby of the family away from, and we have always had issues. I won''t go into detail, but they have gotten better ever since she had her first child, who I adore. My wedding budget is more than hers strictly because hers was 10 years ago, and inflation has caused my parents to budget more, but this is something that cannot be talked about in open air, simply becasue we all know how it will be contorted in her mind.

Jealousy is very toxic, but also remember that it is very apparent to any person involved. I won''t say you need to be open with her, because I never felt comfortable talking with my sister about those things. I felt it was better not to ruffle the feathers even more. As we have gotten older it has become more subdued, but there still are the random comments that make me realize she has no idea who I really am. I just smile the best I can and laugh it off later. Do what you think is best for you and your relationship; you, after all, know it better than anyone here could.

Best of luck with everything!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Confront her!

This isn''t some random person, this is your sister...and you should be able to directly address the issue without skating around it.

It''s hurtful to not get some kind of feedback -- either good or bad. So, put the blame where it belongs...flat out ask her "did you see the pictures"...when she says "Yes"...ask her "what did you think?". If she still continues to stonewall you, tell her that it bothers you.

Could she possibly be hurt that she wasn''t at your wedding?

 

[mia1181]

Thanks for all your help guys! I felt like I should update this thread...

Well I confronted her and yes, it was in the form of the all too often, ill advised, and dreaded email!

So I wrote her and email that was tactful but at the same time got right to the point. Her response was very apologetic and her explaination was a combination of that she was too busy, left the announcement at work after bragging to all of her friends and telling them how proud she was of me, thus couldn''t get on the website without the address for a while, and then that she is not the mushy type and thought I knew she was happy for me. So yeah, I''m not saying that these excuses were completely the whole story. But she was really upset about it and was not defensive at all, just completely apologetic. So I called her the next day and we had a nice talk and she said all the great things that sisters are supposed to say when you get married. And we are fine.

So anyway just wanted to wrap this story up... until the net time!

 

[violet02]

Glad to read it ended well. Nothing worse than strained family relations! I''m having my own issues with that stuff now.

Oh and I emailed you Mia check your mail!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Yay Mia I am glad it worked out!