Wedding My sister is being so mean what should I do?

[mia1181]

I need some advice because I am at a total loss here....

Do you want background first? Or should I just get to the question... Hmmm.... Hard to decide.....

Okay I''ll start with background-
Most sisters are fairly competitive, my sister is competitive with me, but I try not to get sucked in. She is one year older than me so we''re close in age and have always been close (or so I thought). I have always been the more outgoing one and hit a lot of milestones before her (first to get a boyfriend, first to drive, own a car, etc.) I feel she has harbored some resentment towards me for these things, particularly when it comes to anything involving $ or my DH. My DH and are comfortable financially (and I don''t mean to use the word "comfortable" as a nice way of saying "We''re totally loaded!" I mean we pay our bills and have a little left over to save for retirement). We live within our means and don''t buy things we can''t afford. In fact I am laughing while writing this because I know you guys would laugh if you know exactly how little we make! But the point is she makes less than I do so she thinks life is just peachy for me and I have so much money. She always says things like "well you wouldn''t know about cars breaking down, you always have new cars" or "my friend and I were talking about how you live in a perfect, little bubble." Her issues with my finances are related with her issues with my DH. That is because she thinks it''s all because of him that my life is "so great." And some of it is... we met when we were in highschool. I was a total slacker and he was a straight A student. He was very practical with money, and a hard worker. He lived in a dorm but still worked a full-time job in college in order to help pay for my rent because I only had good enough grades to go to a community college where they don''t have dorms. So yeah I''m sure a lot of that rubbed off on me and I did very well in college and graduated with a teaching degree. My sister on the other hand dropped out of college. So I think she thinks that she and I are the same, but since I met DH I have been lucky and life has been easy for us. Even though I was the one that went to my classes in college and earned good grades to get the job I have now, not my DH. She doesn''t seem to understand that I have worked so hard for everything I have (and again, we don''t have much. We live in a one bedroom apartment!).

So anyway, she''s always been competitive with me. She makes little comments all the time that tell me what she thinks of me. For example, when I got engaged almost 4 years ago it was the first time I ever had a real diamond, and a well-cut one at that. I had never seen a diamond really sparkle before. So yeah, when she saw it for the first time I took her to the window to show her how it sparkled in the sunlight. I was really excited about it and I said "see how it sparkles? Isn''t that so cool." Well a few years later her friend gave her a gift for being her child''s godmother, it was a cross pendant with little diamonds in it. When she showed it to me she said "K said when she gave it to me that now I can show you and say ''see how it sparkles? Isn''t it sooo cool?'' in a very mocking tone. So that told me that obviously she was complaining to her friend about me. Obviously she thought I was bragging when I showed her my ring. I wasn''t, I was just happy and thought she''d be happy too. I know a part of her was sad that I was the younger sister, and I was going to get married first, but I never once tried to rub it in her face. I was just excited that I was engaged. Earlier this year, when she got engaged herself she, even said the same thing again about her enagement ring to me a few times. I just don''t say anything, what am I supposed to say?

So I have learned and I am always very careful about what I tell her when something good happens to me. There have been a few times that I have gone somewhere fun like Vegas for the weekend and she calls me on my cellphone and I don''t tell her where I am because she acts so weird. Sometimes it''s very obvious to me that she is trying to brag to me when she says things like "Aren''t I so lucky to have M (her FI), he cooks dinner every night for me." And when I can tell she is bragging even though I am so annoyed that she feels that she has to do it, I always smile graciously and compliment her.

So that is what our relationship has become.

Well as you might know I just eloped and went on a honeymoon to French Polynesia.

When I got back I called her and told her about our honeymoon. She seemed happy for me and I think she has been in a better mood lately because she is engaged and is planning a wedding herself.

A few weeks later, I made a small video montage from our honeymoon pictures and video. Since we live very far from my family (including my sister) I wanted to upload the video to youtube so that they can see where we went. I sent out emails to everyone with the link and that same night she called me and made no mention of the video. I didn''t really think about it, maybe she hadn''t checked her email. The next morning she called me again to talk so I asked if she had received my email and her response was "yes." and then complete silence. That was it, no "nice video" our "your honeymoon looked nice" or "I can''t believe you were swimming with sharks," or anything! So I was a little hurt, but I let it go.

Now, we just got our wedding pictures back and I sent out photo-announcements with a link to a website that I created so that all of our family and friends could see our pictures. Everyone in my hometown received them on Thursday. We have talk probably 3 times since Thursday and she will not even acknowledge our wedding pictures.

I can''t believe my own sister will not even mention my wedding pictures to me! Let alone, compliment me. To make matters worse I received an email from her friend (the same one she talks about me to) asking me about if I had done anything about my sister''s shower (her wedding isn''t until July). It seemed like the purpose of this email was to remind me that I''d better get going on it. I''ve cried over this because here she won''t even so much as acknowledge my wedding and I''m supposed to throw a big shower for her!

Everyone I have talked to including my parents, thinks she is just jealous and it is bad timing because she is realizing that she is not going to be able to afford the wedding she is planning. But I just don''t understand why she can''t be happy for me! I feel like she is just being mean and I don''t know what to do.

 

[diamondfan]

Not really sure what to say. I too have a rotten sister, I am the youngest, she is competitive with me and I try to avoid things. But over the years it got so bad that I cannot have her in my life even a little. She is petty, mean, jealous, nasty. Wants to hurt me at any given time. I decided she was too toxic for me and I exed her out of my life. She is also very sneaky and lies a lot so she acts like she does not get why. She really does, it is an act to get sympathy.

I am not saying your sister is like mine (heaven forbid). But she seems jealous and very competitive and keeping mum about stuff is not the answer clearly. If you told her it hurt you that she has not made mention of your photos, does she say she is sorry for hurting you or is she tough about your feelings?

Look, just because you two share DNA does not mean you can be close. Biology is NOT the only basis of a relationship. It takes two and she is not being the way you want her to be, the way I think most normal siblings are, even admitting that sometimes siblings have squabbles or get into arguments. Bottom line to me is your sibling should have your back, the petty crap should be something that goes away, and the bond should be bigger than anything mundane. But I have found, and lived, the fact that it is not the way it is a lot of the time.

Not really sure what to tell you. It hurts to be in a relationship with her and it would hurt to avoid her. Either way you have hurt. Not one simple answer or approach here. Cannot offer much help but I can empathize.

 

[iluvcarats]

Jealousy is the most destructive emotion. It is toxic to everyone involved - especially to the jealous person. You can''t control how other people act, only how you react.
I would pull away from her a little. Be supportive of her, but don''t seek her out. These are her issues, not yours. Just because the phone rings, it doesn''t mean you have to answer it. Maybe she''ll get the message, and maybe she won''t, but I would try to not let her negativity get to you. Like i said, her jealousy is her problem. Sorry you are going through this at such an exciting time in your life.

 

[decodelighted]

Time to start talking about your feelings & owning up to being hurt by her lack of interest in your photos. Honestly, I wouldn''t bring up ALL the other times you''ve felt insulted (diamond mockery etc). That would feel more like a full out attack -- to dump all your built up stuff on her at once accusingly.

Just deal with this particular slight. "You know, I was very excited to share my wedding photos & videos with you and it really hurt when you didn''t mention them at all. I know you''re very busy planning your own wedding & I''m looking forward to helping out with that & celebrating with you ... but it would mean a lot to me to be able to share some of my memories with you as well."

She''ll either get defensive -OR- it might open the floodgates for a mutual discussion of feelings & jealousy etc. Here is a good time to complement her or reveal some of your own insecurities etc. (If you trust her with this information).

I''ve had chats like this with two of my three sisters & felt much better afterwards. Hope, if you try it, it goes well for you too.

 

[diamondfan]

It really depends on how receptive she is to hearing anything other than what she wants. My sister is a master at manipulation, and turning things around so YOU are to blame, she is the victim, every time. You cannot ever talk and get through since she has constructed this vision of life and she is sticking to it. I will be pleased for you if she can really hear and accept your words without being hostile. She might feel attacked, but be kind, hold your ground, and be fair. That is really all you can do. You might not change her attitude or make the relationship great, but at least you will have it out in the open.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 10/12/2008 12:11:35 AM
Author: diamondfan
It really depends on how receptive she is to hearing anything other than what she wants. My sister is a master at manipulation, and turning things around so YOU are to blame, she is the victim, every time. You cannot ever talk and get through since she has constructed this vision of life and she is sticking to it.

I know ... I know. Your sister is a nightmare. But you must admit she is way worse than MOST people''s sisters. Lots of people have rough patches in their twenties/thirties as they work this stuff out. I''m assuming the sister ISN''T a psychopath -- just a bit jealous. As *I* have been in the past -- but have perfectly awesome relationships with my sisters now. After a bit of work & mutual understanding.

But I do realize your experiences are colored by your trauma! Just trying to strike a balance until we know how bad the situation really is ... and how she reacts to "the talk".

 

[diamondfan]

Oh deco, trust me I know and hope my sis is a real exception. And even the best sibling relationships can have issues, people are human. But even the most reasonable person is not likely to be thrilled to hear negatives, so she should just be aware, and try to chat in a neutral place and be fair but firm. My sister is like no one I have ever known. She would say she loves me but it is a word, an abstracion or a concept, bot anything she lives and breathes. Her jealousy and other issues which combine to yield a dsm personality disorder, make it impossible. I would hope normal tiffs and sibling bs aside that NO ONE has a sister like mine.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Your sis kind of sounds like my Mom''s sis..

. I am sorry that she''s been so rude, Mia. I agree with Dfan and Deco..depending on how receptive she is bring up just the photos and see how she responds. If you don''t do that..well it might be best to just stop sharing things with her. I know that is so wrong to have to do that, but sometimes you have to cut yourself off to protect yourself. That''s what my Mom eventually did and I think it helped a lot.

I am sorry! *hugs*

 

[Haven]

mia--I''m so sorry to hear that your sister isn''t supportive and that you two aren''t close. This is not true of all sisters, and I agree with Deco that it''s time to have an honest discussions with your sister.

If she is not receptive to your concerns, then perhaps you might want to consider trying a little less to keep her in your life. It sounds like you do many things to keep her in your life, and unfortunately, it also sounds like she isn''t very interested in being a part of it.

I hope you can work this out one way or the other--either get her to see what she''s doing, or realize yourself that perhaps she isn''t meant to be a close friend.

Good luck.

 

[kama_s]

I agree with everyone else - you need to have an honest talk with her. And if she still doesn't understand, then you should maintain distance from her. Ff she cant respect you and your feelings, then she doesn't deserve to be part of your life.

ETA: I have a somewhat similar relationship with my mother, so I speak through experience.

 

[diamondfan]

please excuse my typos, I was sitting in my car typing on my blackberry while waiting for my son to come off a bus from a bar mitzvah!!!

 

[Kaleigh]

Speak from the heart, and tell her how you feel. I am sorry you are going through this. But she may not be able to be happy for you, will always be jealous. I hope that''s not the case. Good luck, and congrats on your marriage. Hang in there!!!

 

[omieluv]

I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time with your sister. Though I do not have a sister, I can relate in the sense that I had a close friend who displayed similar behavior. After about 10 years, I finally could not deal with my friend's behavior and I made the decision to approach her. Since I am not a confrontational person by nature, I was nervious, but figured if she valued me, she would at least try. We spoke via telephone and after the discussion with her (much in the same way as Deco advised) ended, I did not hear from her. Then, eight months later, I got a call from her and she apologized for her behavior and we continued to talk it out, resulting in a much improved friendship.

I think it is good that you want to clear the air with your sister and truly hope that you both can start rebuilding soon. However, do not be surprised if she responds in a resistant or defensive way, as she is probably not going to expect you to confront her (much like my friend).

Good Luck!!

 

[Gwyn]

I will preface this response by saying that I tend to seek out the better parts of people when trying to discern their actions (way easy for me to do when I have no emotional involvement). When someone does something that comes off negatively, I try to see how they may have done these things without ill intent. Which is not to say I think I am naive, I just chose to believe the best in people until I am proven otherwise (and again I will say that, though I try to do this always, when it is personal to me I am not often as successful).

Ok post time now...

People often make a comment on this site. Something like "you will care more about your wedding and the details then anyone else". It could be that this behavior is just her disinterest in your wedding and not her being spiteful or mean on purpose.

I know that someone as close as a sister not caring about your wedding details can be painful and hurt your feelings but it does sound like she has alot going on in her life right now (planning her own wedding) and probably in general as it seems from your post that, though older then you, she is still in the process of getting her life (and act) together.

Now I do not know your sister, but another possibility is that she just doesnt care about stuff like photography and such (especially pictures she may not be in since she comes off in your post as being a little on the self absorbed side). I know for me, my interest in other people''s photos and such lies more with my interest in what kind of shots I would like to have for my own event and less with a love for looking at photos. FI and I have about 5 pictures of us total and I dont think we took a single one.

Now I will be completely honest here (please dont get all mad and flame me for my personal feelings), after my sister''s wedding she sent me a bunch of pictures of the event. I looked through them, but it was really for her benefit and not because I was curious how they came out. I was there, I remember. I had a great time and so did my FI. There were some nice ones of her which I was glad to see because I know she wanted them and even some pics of myself (which I hated LOL). And yes there were many of the family that the two of us share but I am just not a big photo person. I adore my sister and family, but that kind of stuff for whatever reason just doesnt interest me (especially reccent ones, I can get a little nostalgic when looking at pictures from long ago or of people who are no longer here). However, I know how much it mattered to my sister, she put alot of herself into this event. I took my time crafting a thoughtful response and praising them, but hey...not everyone is that tactful. And from your backstory, I think your sister may be lacking more in that department then the loving you one.

I guess what I am trying to say is that there may be a reason for the lack of response that is not malicious. I am not saying it is justified I think I would be hurt too that my own sister doesnt know me well enough to understand that in this kind of situation I need for her to be supportive and thoughtful. It is possible that she doesnt realise that her jealousy (or whatever her reason for acting this way) is affecting your relationship.

I agree with decodelighted that it is time to talk about this. Mentioning a laundry list of all the times would probably make her offensive so I would just confront her on this issue. She clearly needs some help in understanding how to communicate with you. If it continues, after this conversation then I would be thinking that she is definitely being malicious and start deciding if the relationship is worth you trying to work on it when she clearly has no intention to meet you "half way".

One thing I might warn about the conversation is that you mentioned "everyone you have talked to including your parents". Sharing your concerms with others makes sense because you are trying to gage why she would be doing something like this. However, discussing you and your sister''s issues with mutual aquantances and family increases the chance that she will hear about it before you speak with her. Alot of people would be more hostile in this situation.

Anyway...gosh I am longwinded..I hope that any part of this helps and/or makes you feel better. For me, nothing is a worst feeling then that of feeling unloved or appreciated by someone you consider close to you. And I really hope that is not case here. for both your sakes. It would be great if the two of you can clear the air and be the kind of sisters that sisters deserve. Good Luck.

 

[allycat0303]

Well it's possible that your sister is trying to do some sort of self preservation. Sometimes when I feel really bad about something, I just avoid the topic at all cost because it makes me feel bad. So I would say, she probably is jealous, and feels terrible that you got married first, and would rather not dwell on the subject. For example, I'm jealous of my brother, whom my parents absolutely dote on and talk about 24/7. So when I go visit my parents, I just keep the subject WAAYYY off him. If they try to talk about him, I'll just change the subject.

In any case, sometimes you're relationship with your sibling is not everything that you wished. And although it hurts your feelings, perhaps it's the only thing she can offer you. I'm sorry though. I know very well how this feels. I have a hard time accepting the disconnect between my family and myself (it keeps me up at night) and there doesn't seem to be any easy answers. There are somethings that even you talking about won't change anything. And in some cases, believe it or not, make things worst. Hugs!

PS. your pictures are gorgeous though. I've never seen an elopement look quite that spectacular.

 

[mia1181]

Thanks Decodelighted and everyone for such good advice. I do plan on talking to her but I need a little help with what I will say. I wasn''t planning on bringing up all of the past things she has done/said, I just put those in there so you guys could see that there definitely is a pattern here and it isn''t a one-time thing. In fact I am so used to her antics that I always just let it go. I know she has jealous tendancies and I really don''t want to rub things in her face, but this time she really hurt my feelings in so many ways.

Diamondfan- I don''t think is as "bad" as your sister (hugs, by the way) she doesn''t ever lie or manipulate, but I still do worry that she is going to be unreceptive. I think she has built up so much resentment over ther years that deep down she just really doesn''t like me. We talk several times a week and now that I think of it there isn''t much substance to our conversations. She isn''t like my other friends that call and say "so, how did x go?" or "what''s up with you?" I ask her these things, but when it comes to me, she''d rather not know.

 

[diamondfan]

Mia, I am glad and would hope she is not like my sister, who I feel has an undiagnosed personality disorder. She also has the resentments like you say your sis seems to have. I am younger, I was prettier and smarter (this is how she views things and has said so, I am not saying this is how I see it) I got married first, I have kids, she got divorced and has none...the list is long to her. And I have often said that I sometimes do not LIKE her, I loved her because we are sisters and share a history, but genes on common are not a guarantee of geeting along.

You need to speak your mind. She may hear you and she may not. Loving someone means accepting their feelings and perspective. Maybe your wedding photos are NOT a huge thrill to her. Does not mean that for your sake she can''t show some interest. Everything is not about her nor you, but relationships are not supposed to be one sided. If you are excited and want to share,she might not need to rave and jump for joy but she could at least MENTION them. I spent a lot of time listening to thingd and helping with things that did not matter to me but mattered to my sister...I did what I needed to do at a given moment to be supportive.

Just know that you should tell her your feelings and hope she can hear you in a receptive frame of mind and just be aware that you are feeling upset. Not a guarantee that future behavior will change but it won''t have a chance to if you keep silent.

 

[mia1181]

Ha! I was wondering when someone was going to play devil''s-advocate! Thanks Gwyn for your perspective! It''s really good to look at this issue from all angles. I am going to beg to differ, but please know I am not being stubborn or close-minded. I''ve just really thought about this and I think she is purposely trying to be mean.



Date: 10/12/2008 6:21:05 AM
Author: Gwyn
I will preface this response by saying that I tend to seek out the better parts of people when trying to discern their actions (way easy for me to do when I have no emotional involvement). When someone does something that comes off negatively, I try to see how they may have done these things without ill intent. Which is not to say I think I am naive, I just chose to believe the best in people until I am proven otherwise (and again I will say that, though I try to do this always, when it is personal to me I am not often as successful).

Ok post time now...

People often make a comment on this site. Something like ''you will care more about your wedding and the details then anyone else''. It could be that this behavior is just her disinterest in your wedding and not her being spiteful or mean on purpose. Yes, I would agree with this if she had atleast acknowledged my pictures! It''s not like she just said they were nice and I am complaining that she didn''t elaborate. She has said nothing, that to me shows purposeful intent. It''s not like she just forgot either because I brought up my wedding dress (that I was wearing it for halloween) and that should have jogged her memory, but all I got were crickets!

I know that someone as close as a sister not caring about your wedding details can be painful and hurt your feelings but it does sound like she has alot going on in her life right now (planning her own wedding) and probably in general as it seems from your post that, though older then you, she is still in the process of getting her life (and act) together. I do know she is going through some stuff, in fact she is probably really sad that she is realizing that she can''t pay for her own wedding. Honestly, I don''t think she is going to have the wedding she thought she was going to have. She has no credit cards and she hasn''t saved anything and the wedding is supposed to be in July. My parents totally suck that they offered to pay for her $1500 dress and now are having a hard time getting the $500 down payment together. When I asked why doesn''t SHE just pay the $500 and let my parents pay her back she got huffy and said "I don''t have 500 dollars!" So again, I didn''t say anything, but how is she going to pay for the rest of the wedding if she can''t get $500 together? I went back and forth about giving her the $ myself, but that was the day she was blatantly rude about my honeymoon video. So I''m not going to buy her love, ya know?

Now I do not know your sister, but another possibility is that she just doesnt care about stuff like photography and such (especially pictures she may not be in since she comes off in your post as being a little on the self absorbed side). I know for me, my interest in other people''s photos and such lies more with my interest in what kind of shots I would like to have for my own event and less with a love for looking at photos. FI and I have about 5 pictures of us total and I dont think we took a single one.

Now I will be completely honest here (please dont get all mad and flame me for my personal feelings), after my sister''s wedding she sent me a bunch of pictures of the event. I looked through them, but it was really for her benefit and not because I was curious how they came out. I was there, I remember. I had a great time and so did my FI. There were some nice ones of her which I was glad to see because I know she wanted them and even some pics of myself (which I hated LOL). And yes there were many of the family that the two of us share but I am just not a big photo person. I adore my sister and family, but that kind of stuff for whatever reason just doesnt interest me (especially reccent ones, I can get a little nostalgic when looking at pictures from long ago or of people who are no longer here). However, I know how much it mattered to my sister, she put alot of herself into this event. I took my time crafting a thoughtful response and praising them, but hey...not everyone is that tactful. And from your backstory, I think your sister may be lacking more in that department then the loving you one. Okay, I completely see what you are saying here but the difference between your situation and mine is you were there! I couldn''t agree more that I wouldn''t want to sit through a bunch of pictures right after an event that I had been to. But I eloped and she wasn''t there. She didn''t see my dress, flowers, hair, makeup, the building we got married in, or DH all dressed up. Surely there was something she could say. I can agree that she is jealous but I would have hoped she could get beyond her jealousy and be happy for me.

I guess what I am trying to say is that there may be a reason for the lack of response that is not malicious. I am not saying it is justified I think I would be hurt too that my own sister doesnt know me well enough to understand that in this kind of situation I need for her to be supportive and thoughtful. It is possible that she doesnt realise that her jealousy (or whatever her reason for acting this way) is affecting your relationship. I agree that the underlying reasons here are her own insecurities, but it just feels too much like she is doing it on purpose at this point. It was so obvious when I asked her about the honeymoon pictures. I''ve let so much go but this is a big deal to me.

I agree with decodelighted that it is time to talk about this. Mentioning a laundry list of all the times would probably make her offensive so I would just confront her on this issue. She clearly needs some help in understanding how to communicate with you. If it continues, after this conversation then I would be thinking that she is definitely being malicious and start deciding if the relationship is worth you trying to work on it when she clearly has no intention to meet you ''half way''.

One thing I might warn about the conversation is that you mentioned ''everyone you have talked to including your parents''. Sharing your concerms with others makes sense because you are trying to gage why she would be doing something like this. However, discussing you and your sister''s issues with mutual aquantances and family increases the chance that she will hear about it before you speak with her. Alot of people would be more hostile in this situation. Yes I know, someone may have already said something to her. But the reason I asked around was because I wanted to make sure that I was justified in my being hurt about it. Like maybe I was making a bigger deal out of it than it was. My parents offered to talk to her about it but I told them I felt I should handle it on my own.

Anyway...gosh I am longwinded..I hope that any part of this helps and/or makes you feel better. For me, nothing is a worst feeling then that of feeling unloved or appreciated by someone you consider close to you. And I really hope that is not case here. for both your sakes. It would be great if the two of you can clear the air and be the kind of sisters that sisters deserve. Good Luck. Thanks so much for giving me things to think about!

 

[mia1181]

Date: 10/12/2008 11:30:14 AM
Author: diamondfan
Mia, I am glad and would hope she is not like my sister, who I feel has an undiagnosed personality disorder. She also has the resentments like you say your sis seems to have. I am younger, I was prettier and smarter (this is how she views things and has said so, I am not saying this is how I see it) I got married first, I have kids, she got divorced and has none...the list is long to her. And I have often said that I sometimes do not LIKE her, I loved her because we are sisters and share a history, but genes on common are not a guarantee of geeting along.

You need to speak your mind. She may hear you and she may not. Loving someone means accepting their feelings and perspective. Maybe your wedding photos are NOT a huge thrill to her. Does not mean that for your sake she can''t show some interest. Everything is not about her nor you, but relationships are not supposed to be one sided. If you are excited and want to share,she might not need to rave and jump for joy but she could at least MENTION them. I spent a lot of time listening to thingd and helping with things that did not matter to me but mattered to my sister...I did what I needed to do at a given moment to be supportive.

Just know that you should tell her your feelings and hope she can hear you in a receptive frame of mind and just be aware that you are feeling upset. Not a guarantee that future behavior will change but it won''t have a chance to if you keep silent.

Thanks diamondfan you seem to really get what I am saying. I just wanted a mention, I don''t need it, and I don''t need any compliments but it would have been nice.

Sometimes I wish she didn''t take the good things that happen to me as disses to her. It''s sad but I am always routing for her to "beat me" in her little competition. I would love it if she made more money than me so this competition could be over! I want her to be happy she is having a real wedding and I "only eloped" ya know? I know that she is planning on having children right after her wedding, and I look forward to it because she knows I want babies more than everything and she will feel like she 1-upped me. But I''m sure it won''t end unless I address it and I really haven''t. I''ve always let it go. So this problem growing is as much my own fault KWIM?

 

[decodelighted]

Oh boy Mia.

You were hoping she''d look at & complement your glamorous elopement video THE SAME DAY she''s struggling & failing to come up with $500 for her OWN WEDDING DRESS.

This is a wee bit different. Empathy m''dear. There''s "a lot to ask" and "impossible to ask" -- it would take a pure, snowy white heart to muster up enthusiasm in that kind of situation.

Blerg.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 10/12/2008 11:58:39 AM
Author: decodelighted
Oh boy Mia.


You were hoping she''d look at & complement your glamorous elopement video THE SAME DAY she''s struggling & failing to come up with $500 for her OWN WEDDING DRESS.


This is a wee bit different. Empathy m''dear. There''s ''a lot to ask'' and ''impossible to ask'' -- it would take a pure, snowy white heart to muster up enthusiasm in that kind of situation.


Blerg.

I have to agree with Deco here...you had a very beautiful elopement, but it feels a bit like rubbing it in her face when you know about all the troubles she''s having with her own wedding.

I am sure she''ll come around, but you do need to have a little empathy here right now. I am sure it''s hard for her to see your perfect elopement while imagining her own wedding crumbling around her ya know? While it would be nice for her to muster up some enthusiasm for your pictures, some people just can''t handle that jumble of emotions at once. Cut her some slack.

 

[mia1181]

Date: 10/12/2008 6:51:37 AM
Author: allycat0303
Well it''s possible that your sister is trying to do some sort of self preservation. Sometimes when I feel really bad about something, I just avoid the topic at all cost because it makes me feel bad. So I would say, she probably is jealous, and feels terrible that you got married first, and would rather not dwell on the subject. For example, I''m jealous of my brother, whom my parents absolutely dote on and talk about 24/7. So when I go visit my parents, I just keep the subject WAAYYY off him. If they try to talk about him, I''ll just change the subject.

In any case, sometimes you''re relationship with your sibling is not everything that you wished. And although it hurts your feelings, perhaps it''s the only thing she can offer you. I''m sorry though. I know very well how this feels. I have a hard time accepting the disconnect between my family and myself (it keeps me up at night) and there doesn''t seem to be any easy answers. There are somethings that even you talking about won''t change anything. And in some cases, believe it or not, make things worst. Hugs!

PS. your pictures are gorgeous though. I''ve never seen an elopement look quite that spectacular.

Yes I know it is self-preservation. But what can I do? I mean I see the reasoning behind all this. I know how she thinks, I know it''s her own insecurities. But I can''t have a relationship where I am treated this way. I am not trying to brag. It''s bad enough that I have avoided mentioning anything that could be construed as bragging for the past few years. But she can''t be happy for me about my elopement. Okay and yeah I just need to say it but I eloped, what is there to even be jealous of? I mean yeah my pics turned out good but she is planning on having a real wedding. So if she wants self-preservation she can tell herself "yeah she had a nice elopement, but I am going to have a big day with all my friends and family there to see it" or if her financial issues are that bad that she might not have a wedding she can see my pictures and think "yeah, maybe eloping is not so bad afterall." I don''t know I guess I am saying that we all get jealous from time to time and we all make ourselves feel better by looking at the positives of what we have.

 

[diamondfan]

Did I miss something about her own wedding? I know you said she is engaged, but I must have missed something.

Bottom line, one should not gloat or lord something over someone else, but it would be nice to be able to share and be a support to eachother.

 

[mia1181]

Date: 10/12/2008 11:58:39 AM
Author: decodelighted
Oh boy Mia.

You were hoping she'd look at & complement your glamorous elopement video THE SAME DAY she's struggling & failing to come up with $500 for her OWN WEDDING DRESS.

This is a wee bit different. Empathy m'dear. There's 'a lot to ask' and 'impossible to ask' -- it would take a pure, snowy white heart to muster up enthusiasm in that kind of situation.

Blerg.

I get what your saying here, I really do. And I feel really sorry for her. But I guess maybe our issues have escalated to this point and I am tired of it.

The dress debacle has been going on for MONTHS now! Point blank she is asking my parents who have their own issues with getting money together to pay for a dress that is probably way to expensive for them. She can't afford it herself and it has been one big mess. I know it must be hard realizing that you are not going to have the wedding of dreams but it has been a long time coming. I have tried to help her figure out other options but she has only said "Well I guess I jst have epensive taste." So yeah I mean I really feel for her for the financial difficulties but at what point is she going to own up to it and start rethinking what is in her budget. And I am not just talking about the dress here, I don't know how she will be able to afford anything else she has planned. They have been engaged for 8 months now and they haven't saved anything and they do not have any credit cards to even go into debt for their wedding.

ETA- I also wanted to clarify the same day she got my honeymoon video and was rude was the same day I was thinking about giving her some money for her dress. Even though I am already spending money to fly there twice (shower, wedding), paying for her shower, my bm dress, etc.... But then she was so rude I was like forget about it! But she has known about this dress thing for months now it's nothing new.

 

[Gwyn]

Wow, I totally skipped over the fact that noone was there for your event. Though I hate to think that someone is so cruel, it definitely strikes me as a little off that she wouldnt even mention them. Even if just for your sake. Hopefully its just oversight or coping mechanism or somethign like that, but it still blows that it is almost like you are getting punished for havingyour lief together.

And your parents loaning her money and then needing it...big red flag. First off, for someone who is already on a budget, she really needed 1500 for a dress!!! And to not want to do whatever she could to help your parents...thats a level of self absorbness even I have trouble seeing a silver lining in.

 

[mia1181]

Gwyn- Thank you for much for seeing what I am saying. I hope I don't come off with this braggy bridezilla that's like "she'd better compliment my wedding I don't care if it kills her!" Because I am not. I don't need her to gush I need her to acknowledge that I was married and she is happy for me.

You are so right about her wanting to punish me. That is what this is about. I think she is doing it on purpose because she hates that I had the money to do what I wanted to do and she doesn't. But we can't forget that even though I do have more money than her, I couldn't afford a big wedding either. I knew that my parents would not be able to help. And if they did offer to help, I couldn't count on them to be reliable with their money. That is why I eloped and my dress cost $160 or $180 (I can't remember what it was anymore). I'm not dissing her for wanting a more epensive dress, that's fine,but why am I punished because she can't get it?

I'm not being insensitive to her problems, I just don't understand how any of this is my fault...

ETA- I don't know if I made it clear about my parents but basicly they are just like her, my whole family is like this... She is mad at them because they promised to buy her dress but are having a hard time getting the money together to make a down payment. They made a big promise (which I am sure they believed at the time, my mom really wants her to have this dress) but as far as actually saving the money- they can't do it (but I think they are trying). It's not really that they don't have money they are just horrible with it. Now my sister complains about them but she doesn't realize she is like them. She made a big promise (to herself) that she was going to have this lavish wedding but as far as actually saving the money and making the payments- she's having a hard time.

 

[mia1181]

Does anyone have any comments about what I should be doing about her shower? I''m planning a really great shower for her. It is going to be mad hatter themed and I have tons of ideas and "was" really excited about it. But now I cry everytime I think of doing it for her when she has treated me this way. I feel like it is so degrading to do something so nice for someone who treats you like crap. Plus there''s added issue of her friend emailing me to nag me about that I''d better get planning soon, conveniently on the day my sister received my wedding pictures. And my sister admitted she knew about it. So I am supposed to plan this shower with her friend that hates me and I know she talks to her about me. I feel like that whole email was her friend trying to rub my sister''s wedding in my face. Uh I am just sick at the thought of this. I feel so stuck because she is my sister and the right thing to do is proceed with the shower, but sometimes being the bigger person is soooo hard!

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 10/12/2008 1:59:50 PM
Author: mia1181
Does anyone have any comments about what I should be doing about her shower? I''m planning a really great shower for her. It is going to be mad hatter themed and I have tons of ideas and ''was'' really excited about it. But now I cry everytime I think of doing it for her when she has treated me this way. I feel like it is so degrading to do something so nice for someone who treats you like crap. Plus there''s added issue of her friend emailing me to nag me about that I''d better get planning soon, conveniently on the day my sister received my wedding pictures. And my sister admitted she knew about it. So I am supposed to plan this shower with her friend that hates me and I know she talks to her about me. I feel like that whole email was her friend trying to rub my sister''s wedding in my face. Uh I am just sick at the thought of this. I feel so stuck because she is my sister and the right thing to do is proceed with the shower, but sometimes being the bigger person is soooo hard!

It is hard, but it''s the right thing to do considering this is your sister...hopefully she''ll come around and realize she has been selfish and not nice to you. But it''s not worth it to try and "get back" at her by throwing her a bad shower KWIM? Then it''s just stooping to her level.

 

[mia1181]

Oh no I wasn''t thinking of throwing her a bad shower.... I could never be that vindictive. I was thinking of bowing out gracefully, by letting her overbearing friend take over. I mean I have really had to fight to be able to do this shower for her. And now I am thinking what''s the point ya know? I feel like I am trying to buy her love...

It''s just really hard because I want to say "you expect me to throw a shower for you after you''ve treated me this way..." But I know that would be wrong and stooping to her level.

I just don''t know if I should just let this go too.... I just can''t imagine how she will respond besides just getting mad at me. I just don''t like confrontation....

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 10/12/2008 2:21:09 PM
Author: mia1181
Oh no I wasn''t thinking of throwing her a bad shower.... I could never be that vindictive. I was thinking of bowing out gracefully, by letting her overbearing friend take over. I mean I have really had to fight to be able to do this shower for her. And now I am thinking what''s the point ya know? I feel like I am trying to buy her love...


It''s just really hard because I want to say ''you expect me to throw a shower for you after you''ve treated me this way...'' But I know that would be wrong and stooping to her level.


I just don''t know if I should just let this go too.... I just can''t imagine how she will respond besides just getting mad at me. I just don''t like confrontation....

Confrontation is the only way to get it out in the open. I''m with you, I hate it too, but by confronting her about it you''ll do one of two things.

1. Clear the air. You guys can have a good cry, figure out what''s bothering you about each other and maybe move on and restore your relationship.

2. Realize that your sister is not in a place to care about anyone but herself and then you can stop worrying about it.

Bowing out gracefully is certainly an option, however I think without clearing the air about it first it might only make things worse between you two ya know?