My mum HATES our suprise wedding idea

[hawaiianorangetree]

Hi All

Sorry for the sook, but since none of my friends and family actually know of my plans, i can''t talk to anyone about it!

When I told my mum of the suprise wedding idea she didn''t take it too badly, her first reaction was, but i wont be able to get dressed up... i am the mother of the bride you know! lol.
She wasn''t over the moon for the idea, but at the time she didn''t seem too bothered by it either, but she has obviously had some time to think the idea through and she pounced on me the first moment we were alone together on the weekend.. (in the car on the way to look at a dress that i liked no less!)

She kept making comments like, but it''s not a real wedding, people wont be able to see you, can''t you just have it at a restaurant? everyone will be half pissed by the time you get married... no one will see you!!!!!! (she was very hung up on that point). She even went as far to say that she would pay for my dress if i was to have a ''real wedding''.

I tried to explain that i didn''t want a traditional/normal wedding and she said that if we went to a resturant for dinner and everyone paid for it themselves, it wouldn''t be traditional.

Anyway, so we get into the dress shop and i try on a pronovias dress that i thought could possibly be ''the one'' and all i got were comments like, you can''t wear something like that in your back yard, but you will only have it on for 2 hours, it''s not worth it... why would you waste your money on a dress like that when no one will see you???

This all promptly reminded me that i had actually decided NOT to go dress shopping with my mother in the first place, but this was after we left to go have a look and after i had already invited her to come shopping with me this weekend!! (she had yet to pounce on me when i asked her).

So all week i was tossing up whether or not to go shopping with her, one day i would think yes, give her another chance, the next i would think, no it''s not worth it. Anyway, yesterday i rang her up and told a lie, i said i couldn''t get any appointments with the bridal shops so we weren''t going, she was good about it, AND NOW I FEEL GUILTY!!!!!

I hate how she makes me feel, she makes me doubt all of my choices and makes me feel bad about myself, which makes me not want to include her, but then i feel guilty becase she is my mother... what to do?

 

[FrekeChild]

Awwww....I''m sorry you''re going through that, it doesn''t sound like any fun at all. I don''t have any advice, but I do hope for the best, and don''t let her ruin this for you.

What is up with immediate family being the cause of all (ok, most) of the stress in wedding planning?! (This is where my problems are coming from too btw...)

 

[LaraOnline]

Firstly, in relation to your mother herself, I think it''s helpful if you really concentrate on realising that she REALLY WANTS THE BEST FOR YOU!! Yes, she really does.
Are you a mum yet? Until I was a mum, I didn''t really ''get'' that. I thought my mother was, well, a little cold and selfish.
Now, I see that perhaps she didn''t want to do the physical ''job'' of mothering 24/7. Let''s face it, a lot of mothering is damn boring and menial. BUT SHE HAS ALWAYS WANTED THE BEST FOR ME. Even if her own personal interests, ''issues'' and agenda meant that being a selfless mother with a fresh round of pikelets was not where she was at.

Even if your mum is sometimes disapproving or questioning of your choices, or just difficult to ''handle'', behaviourally, doesn''t mean that she wants anything but the BEST FOR YOU.

Now, in relation to your surprise wedding idea, what is she worried about SPECIFICALLY that it will result in less than the best for you.

How can you bring her on board? How can you make her a co-conspirator? Hmm.

What aspect of the ''real'' wedding is she most concerned that you might miss out on, and regret later?

For me, I''m totally glad we got the photos. Professional photos of the wedding day was the most important thing for me. Is she worried that you are going to end up with a couple of grainy snapshots, with dirty wineglasses in the foreground... could that be a concern for her?

Is it the social aspects of the informality of the occasion - that Aunty Ethel won''t turn up at the last moment, because she has a sore back, not realising that she is in fact missing your wedding??!!

Is it ''the meaning of marriage'' in itself, is she worried that the wedding vows will be seen as a kind of joke, because of the impromptu, (ad-hoc?) ''feel'' of the ceremony? Like some funny pantomime, not befitting of the seriousness of the occasion?

Hmmm brainstorming here...

 

[swingirl]

Why do you want to catch people off-guard? They are invited to one sort of party and it turns into something completely different. I think you are forgetting that weddings are very emotional events, especially for parents. A wedding is so joyous and your guests should be allowed to share in that emotion. It seems like you want to prevent them from appreciating your marriage. I just wonder why. And if I was your guest I would also wonder why you didn't want me to be emotionally prepared. Of course, it's your choice, but I would still be confused as to why.

And I'd certainly be ticked off if I skipped your party for some small reason and found out later I missed your wedding.

 

[anchor31]

I''m sorry it''s putting a damper on things for you, but I''m not surprised your mother hates the idea. People have certain expectations when it comes to weddings, they want to receive invitations, get dressed up, pick a gift and a card... Most parents are very excited about their children''s wedding and want to be involved and have a certain ''place of honour'' in all of it. Of course, ultimately it''s not about what other people want, it''s about what you and your FH want, and if you want to do the surprise wedding, it''s up to you. However, I don''t think you should expect people to be excited about it.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 4/8/2009 3:01:59 AM
Author: FrekeChild

Awwww....I''m sorry you''re going through that, it doesn''t sound like any fun at all. I don''t have any advice, but I do hope for the best, and don''t let her ruin this for you.

What is up with immediate family being the cause of all (ok, most) of the stress in wedding planning?! (This is where my problems are coming from too btw...)

Thanks Freke

I know exaclty where you are coming from, part of the reason why we want a suprise wedding is to try and avoid all the confrontations that occur with immediate family and a wedding... not really working though?!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 4/8/2009 3:18:34 AM
Author: LaraOnline
Firstly, in relation to your mother herself, I think it''s helpful if you really concentrate on realising that she REALLY WANTS THE BEST FOR YOU!! Yes, she really does.
Are you a mum yet? Until I was a mum, I didn''t really ''get'' that. I thought my mother was, well, a little cold and selfish.
Now, I see that perhaps she didn''t want to do the physical ''job'' of mothering 24/7. Let''s face it, a lot of mothering is damn boring and menial. BUT SHE HAS ALWAYS WANTED THE BEST FOR ME. Even if her own personal interests, ''issues'' and agenda meant that being a selfless mother with a fresh round of pikelets was not where she was at.

Even if your mum is sometimes disapproving or questioning of your choices, or just difficult to ''handle'', behaviourally, doesn''t mean that she wants anything but the BEST FOR YOU.

Now, in relation to your surprise wedding idea, what is she worried about SPECIFICALLY that it will result in less than the best for you.

How can you bring her on board? How can you make her a co-conspirator? Hmm.

What aspect of the ''real'' wedding is she most concerned that you might miss out on, and regret later?

For me, I''m totally glad we got the photos. Professional photos of the wedding day was the most important thing for me. Is she worried that you are going to end up with a couple of grainy snapshots, with dirty wineglasses in the foreground... could that be a concern for her?

Is it the social aspects of the informality of the occasion - that Aunty Ethel won''t turn up at the last moment, because she has a sore back, not realising that she is in fact missing your wedding??!!

Is it ''the meaning of marriage'' in itself, is she worried that the wedding vows will be seen as a kind of joke, because of the impromptu, (ad-hoc?) ''feel'' of the ceremony? Like some funny pantomime, not befitting of the seriousness of the occasion?

Hmmm brainstorming here...

Hi Lara

Thanks for all your advice and ideas, I am a mum, to an 8 year old and soon to be step mum to a 14 year old.

And i can see your point of her just wanting the best for me. I guess i will have to bite the bullet and talk to her about it all, you did make some good points.. and i do have answers for all of them..

I am not into the whole ''formality'' of a wedding. I plan on putting all of my efforts and seriousness into my actual marriage, not just this one day. I am a bit of a recluse, i do not like large formal gatherings and i definately don''t want to be the center of attention at a formal occasion... hence the suprise ceremony, no one has expectations therefore they wont be my burden. The idea of eloping with just the two of us is soooo appealing to me, but as we both have children involved, this is not an option.

I will talk to my mum to see what it is exactly she doesn''t like about it all... but not this weekend, i don''t want to cause family WW3 at easter breakfast! lol.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 4/8/2009 6:30:50 AM
Author: swingirl
Why do you want to catch people off-guard? They are invited to one sort of party and it turns into something completely different. I think you are forgetting that weddings are very emotional events, especially for parents. A wedding is so joyous and your guests should be allowed to share in that emotion. It seems like you want to prevent them from appreciating your marriage. I just wonder why. And if I was your guest I would also wonder why you didn''t want me to be emotionally prepared. Of course, it''s your choice, but I would still be confused as to why.

And I''d certainly be ticked off if I skipped your party for some small reason and found out later I missed your wedding.

Not that i feel like i have to defend my choice of wedding style but this is part of it...

I went to two weddings last year in the space of three days of each other, the first was you ''typical'' wedding, ceremony followed by photos followed by sit down dinner. It was beautiful, but for me, uncomfortable. Everyone was uptight, stuffy and on edge, just because it was a wedding. These people weren''t usually like that, but put in this envioronment, everyone (myself included) was out of their comfort zone.

Fast forward 3 days, a wedding in bali, all guests had been unwinding around the pool for a few days prior, the garden wedding was relaxed everyone was happy, it was a less formal occasion, and alot more enjoyable. I put it down to people being happy and relaxed and on holiday.

Now if the budget had allowed we to would be marrying in bali but since the aussie dollar took a nose dive it''s not an option.
I want people to be happy and relaxed and enjoying themselves at my wedding, and if people know it''s a wedding, it just wont have the feel that we are after.

 

[LaraOnline]

I totally get what you're saying about wanting to avoid the drama!!
I was terrified of it myself, and actually tried to talk my man into eloping.
However, he wouldn't hear of it because he didn't want to upset our parents!
So... in actual fact, it didn't turn out half bad at all.
I did limit the wedding drama as much as I could, by having a teensy wedding guest list!
I let my mum have her way with a few invites.
(She fronted up with a cheque to help pay, which was nice of her!)

I was surprised, she was very excited about what she was wearing, catching up with all her old family friends and generally 'signing me over'!
She really wanted to give me away (walk me down the aisle) and at first I stiffed her, I wanted my big brother to do so. (who has never really done that much for me, too busy in his own life). In fact, I told her 'giving me away was not a feminist statement, Mum'! How mean of me!
When the time came, I was so glad she did give me away (my brother didn't want to take the time off and spend the money on an air ticket to come!!)

My grandma was also excited about all the planning, and the 'event' of arriving for a few days before. Having all the family friends (who have known 'the bride' since her birth!) weas actually roooolly cool.

TBH, the organisation was really no big deal. A meeting with the minister, a meeting with the church organist (my favourite bit!), the florist, a practice run at the venue and a couple of sort outs with the reception hall people.

I had a really great day!

I hope you do too, however you decide to do it!

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

If you want to elope but can''t because of the children, then you could still get married in a private ceremony in a pastor''s office with just your children present or in a park somewhere with just your children. Low key and intimate.

Then throw a huge relaxed backyard party for the celebration.

You''re saying you don''t like to be the center of attention so much, but I think a surprise wedding would put you more in the spotlight than a normal wedding! For that entire 10 minute surprise ceremony, you''ll be wondering what people are thinking and worrying if they''re happily surprised or not instead of reflecting on and enjoying your vows.

btw - Are you planning on surprising your children also? You know them better than anyone, but some children might be very upset by not being in on the secret!


I''m sorry your mom is making you feel badly. My mother has always had the ability to make me feel scrutinized with a single glance, but I have come to realize that it is my own hang-up, not her fault. As Lara said, she just wants the absolute best for me and wants me to be happy. She has apologized for not being more of a "builder-up" of confidence, but really, I love that I can always count on her to tell me if something looks good or not and when she does say she is proud, I know it is truly something worth applauding. Some moms really are mean and tear their daughters down though, so try to be objective and decide if your mother means well or not. If she means well, then accepting that may help you let go of the feeling of always being criticized. If she really is being mean, then avoid her poison until you can speak to her about making the situation better!

 

[havernell]

I think you can have a relaxed wedding without having to go to Bali for it. Have the ceremony outside, have a casual reception of heavy hors d''ouevres- not a sit down dinner, invite people for the weekend so everyone can spend time together the day before you wedding and relax (like the Bali guests did). There are ways to make a wedding not stuffy, but still a wedding. Like you said, the Bali wedding was just more casual. I bet it was the causal feel of the wedding (not Bali itself) that made it more comfortable for you. You could certainly do "casual" in Australia too!

Also, I am a firm believer that wedding guests take their cue from the bride and groom. If the bride and groom are relaxed, having fun, smiling, then guests will feel that way too. However, if the bride and groom are uptight, nervous, uncomfortable, that will rub off on the guests and no one will have fun. If that couple who married in Bali had themselves been uptight (rather than relaxed) I bet money that all the guests would have been the same way despite the pool and the tropical surroundings. So, if you want people to be comfortable and relaxed at your wedding, the best way to ensure that is to be relaxed yourself, no matter where you wedding is held.

I''m not saying you should drop your plans for a surprise wedding, but if your main reason for wanting a surprise wedding is so that people are relaxed at your wedding, I think there are much better ways to achieve that. In fact, as someone else said, I think I''d be MORE uptight as a guest at a surprise wedding just because I would be so thrown off I wouldn''t have a clue what to do with myself/ would feel under dressed/ would feel guilty for not bringing a present/ would feel duped, etc...

Good luck working things out with your families and coming to an agreement that suits you all!

 

[NuggetBrain]

I know myself that if my friend or family member was throwing a party, and I couldn''t go for some reason, I would be very upset to find out later that it was a wedding. People will make time for a wedding when they might not make time for a random party. You run the risk of potentially hurting someone''s feelings. That being said, if a surprise wedding is really what you want, then its your day and you should do what makes you happy. I agree with the previous poster that said weddings don''t have to be uptight however. Have a casual ceremony and reception in your backyard or a park, do appetizers or even a big BBQ.

 

[violet3]

Moms can be really tough, can't they? I am sorry to hear you are having trouble with yours...i am sure she'll come around eventually. My mom hasn't given me a whole lot of greif about the type of wedding i am planning, but boy was i happy when the dress shopping experience was over for she and i...i had a rough time with that, so i completely understand

.

I think your wedding idea is a cute one, and i know you weren't asking for opinions on your idea at all, but i was thinking about what the others said regarding attendance etc. I work a couple of jobs, and one of them is at night mainly weekends, which unfortunately for me is a necessity right now. If a good friend of mine was getting married, i would most certainly take off to go and support her/him. But if they were having a party, i probably would not take off because i don't really have the financial flexibility to do that right now, and then i would be really bummed if i missed supporting someone i cared about.

I know my case is probably not the "norm," but i just thought i'd throw that out there.....

 

[BeachRunner]

Do we have the same mothers?! When I told her about the idea of a VERY small destination wedding, she was less than excited. "no one will see you" "you don''t even need a dress because no one will see you" ETC!

Mothers can be so frustrating!

BUT, they are the mother, and even though they can be super hard to deal with, I think they should be included, esp. if you are feeling guilty about it.

 

[tlh]

why don''t you make australia your "destination" wedding? A lot of people would love to be married in paradise, and you dont have to travel! Why not make a weekend of it, and a mini-holiday? W/ a family BBQ to get everyone together with a nice outdoor ceremony, and a more casual relaxed atmospher. Just an idea.

 

[Selkie]

What the heck? Why are people pissing all over hawaiian''s wedding plans? From the sounds of it, it''s what she wants, and it''s what she''s doing, and her issue NOW is with her mother who is not being supportive. I doubt she was looking for MORE criticism of her idea when she posted. I''ve been to a surprise birthday party that was actually a cover for a surprise wedding, and it was awesome! All the important people knew ahead of time so they would be there, and despite it being a backyard cookout sort of deal, it felt very special because it was about the couple, and their love. The bride wore a white dress, there were flowers and an officiant, and it was most definitely a wedding, and if anyone was upset about it or felt "caught off guard" they certainly didn''t let on.

I also have a mother who can be super critical when my ideas don''t mesh with hers, and I had a somewhat non-traditional wedding (it was on a sailboat). I found that if I compromised, and let her handle certain things about the wedding that SHE really cared about, like favors, while standing my ground on the things I cared about (EVERYTHING else

), we kept some level of harmony. I was just firm that even though my wedding was somewhat untraditional, it was what I wanted. I think there were probably tears at one point, which MAY have convinced her that my way was the way it was going to be.

About the dress, did you love it? Was it the one? I bet if she were to see you in it, happy and smiling, she''d come around. Maybe not, but wedding dresses do have a tendency to do that to women. Good luck!

 

[violet3]

style="WIDTH: 97.36%; HEIGHT: 107px">Date: 4/8/2009 12:39:41 PM
Author: Selkie
What the heck? Why are people pissing all over hawaiian's wedding plans? From the sounds of it, it's what she wants, and it's what she's doing, and her issue NOW is with her mother who is not being supportive. I doubt she was looking for MORE criticism of her idea when she posted. I've been to a surprise birthday party that was actually a cover for a surprise wedding, and it was awesome! All the important people knew ahead of time so they would be there, and despite it being a backyard cookout sort of deal, it felt very special because it was about the couple, and their love. The bride wore a white dress, there were flowers and an officiant, and it was most definitely a wedding, and if anyone was upset about it or felt 'caught off guard' they certainly didn't let on.

This is a very good point Selkie - i apologize to Hawaiian for my post. Mine wasn't meant to be critical in any way, I just miss a lot of great things in my friends lives due to my jobs/lifestyle, and then i get sad over it. I do love the idea of giving the important people a head's up so they'll definitely be there! (i think the surprise wedding is how julia roberts had her wedding, BTW).

Also, i mentioned about my mom and the dress....i picked the dress my mom didn't like much. Not on purpose, but it's the one i liked the best - FWIW, she now tells everyone else she likes it. and whether she's telling the truth or not, i could not possibly care less. Your mom will come around too!

 

[swingirl]

When someone ends their post with "what do I do" they are going to get many opinions and they may not all be supportive. Hopefully hearing other viewpoints will help someone decide what to do, since that is what they are asking for help about.

 

[Selkie]

Swingirl, she had an earlier thread that was specifically about having a surprise wedding, so I assume that is where she was looking for advice about doing it that way. Here, she was asking specifically about her mother's unexpected criticisms and her guilt over not wanting to shop with her because of them, not whether or not to do the surprise wedding. In particular, I think your statement that "It seems like you want to prevent them from appreciating your marriage" struck me as harsh. Maybe you were trying to play devil's advocate, and illustrate her mother's feelings on the subject? Violet3, you had a different approach, and actually were sympathetic while still offering alternative ideas.

I was just surprised, because I thought she was pretty clear that the surprise wedding is what she wants to do. She's obviously an adult, with kids of her own, and I can't imagine telling a stranger that her wedding plans suck and are going to make her guests unhappy.

 

[NuggetBrain]

Date: 4/8/2009 12:39:41 PM
Author: Selkie
What the heck? Why are people pissing all over hawaiian''s wedding plans? From the sounds of it, it''s what she wants, and it''s what she''s doing, and her issue NOW is with her mother who is not being supportive. I doubt she was looking for MORE criticism of her idea when she posted. I''ve been to a surprise birthday party that was actually a cover for a surprise wedding, and it was awesome! All the important people knew ahead of time so they would be there, and despite it being a backyard cookout sort of deal, it felt very special because it was about the couple, and their love. The bride wore a white dress, there were flowers and an officiant, and it was most definitely a wedding, and if anyone was upset about it or felt ''caught off guard'' they certainly didn''t let on.

I hardly think anyone is "pissing all over" her wedding plans by pointing out that people might not make it if they don''t know its a wedding. She should do whatever is going to make her and her FI happy since it really is their day, but that doesn''t mean that people can''t voice their opinion on something.

 

[indecisive]

Date: 4/8/2009 8:34:03 AM
Author: hawaiianorangetree

Date: 4/8/2009 6:30:50 AM
Author: swingirl
Why do you want to catch people off-guard? They are invited to one sort of party and it turns into something completely different. I think you are forgetting that weddings are very emotional events, especially for parents. A wedding is so joyous and your guests should be allowed to share in that emotion. It seems like you want to prevent them from appreciating your marriage. I just wonder why. And if I was your guest I would also wonder why you didn''t want me to be emotionally prepared. Of course, it''s your choice, but I would still be confused as to why.

And I''d certainly be ticked off if I skipped your party for some small reason and found out later I missed your wedding.

Not that i feel like i have to defend my choice of wedding style but this is part of it...

I went to two weddings last year in the space of three days of each other, the first was you ''typical'' wedding, ceremony followed by photos followed by sit down dinner. It was beautiful, but for me, uncomfortable. Everyone was uptight, stuffy and on edge, just because it was a wedding. These people weren''t usually like that, but put in this envioronment, everyone (myself included) was out of their comfort zone.

Fast forward 3 days, a wedding in bali, all guests had been unwinding around the pool for a few days prior, the garden wedding was relaxed everyone was happy, it was a less formal occasion, and alot more enjoyable. I put it down to people being happy and relaxed and on holiday.

Now if the budget had allowed we to would be marrying in bali but since the aussie dollar took a nose dive it''s not an option.
I want people to be happy and relaxed and enjoying themselves at my wedding, and if people know it''s a wedding, it just wont have the feel that we are after.

If I had to do it over again I would have gotten married in Bali, and I am in the US! We honeymooned there and totally fell in love

Best of luck with whatever you decide!

 

[LaraOnline]

You know, I was thinking about you this morning, and I was wondering if an aspect of the ''surprise'' that she didn''t like was that she would be implicated / drawn into lying to important guests about why they had to come to the dinner?

I don''t know your mum, so I felt bad after my first post, thinking that I was making assumptions about your mum - hey, maybe she is a rel pain! But I didn''t actually get that from the info you supplied... she seems to really want to work with you, as much as she is personally able to stretch herself, anyway!

Maybe she''s spent her whole life as a mum dreaming of your big day, and of how beautiful and exciting it''s all going to be?! Never occurred to me before, but mums have a lot invested in the wedding too, don''t they?! My own four year old talks about her wedding all the time!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

First i just wanted to say that i was rather shocked and hurt by some of the comments left after my post.

I wasn''t looking for advice and opinions on my suprise wedding idea, i like my idea, we are still doing it, but the way that some of you attacked it was well, rather mean. I understand that a suprise wedding is not everyones cup of tea, but it suits us and we are happy with our plans, even if alot of you made me doubt the idea for well, 5 minutes. We are both actually really enjoying the whole process, it has brought us alot closer and we are creating this magical place (our back yard) not only to get married in, but to spend the rest of our lives together in. I do take my wedding seriously, but i don''t believe that an informal occassion means that i feel less about my marriage, afterall, it''s not really about the effort you put into that one day, it''s the effort that comes after it.

If i didn''t like someones idea for a wedding i certainly wouldn''t ''piss all over it'' yes, nuggetbrain, that is how i felt.

Thank you to Lara,Guilty, Violet and Selkie who actually got what my post was about. I really appreciate your comments and you made me feel less like wanting to crawl under a rock and die.

Beachrunner... are you as cute as me? If so, it is possible we share the same mum!! (Maybe that''s why they want us to be seen?)

Anyways, my sook was about my mother... this is a woman who, if i was having a large formal wedding would be complaining that it is a waste of money and inappropriate for me to be having since we already have children and live together... i just can''t please her and she has never approved of anything that i have done, so it was no suprise to me that she is not keen on the suprise wedding idea...but all i wanted was a little advice on how to deal with her since so many people seem to have the same kinds of problems!

But i am over it now, i have learnt my lesson on what to post about and perhaps next time when i write what do i do? i wont assume that people have half a brain and can tell what i am referring to, and i will use whole direct sentences shuch as what do i do about my mother???

Just stay tuned for the post in about a year from now which shows you all just how fabulous and exciting my suprise wedding was.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 4/9/2009 7:54:01 AM
Author: hawaiianorangetree
this is a woman who, if i was having a large formal wedding would be complaining that it is a waste of money and inappropriate for me to be having since we already have children and live together... i just can''t please her and she has never approved of anything that i have done, so it was no suprise to me that she is not keen on the suprise wedding idea...but all i wanted was a little advice on how to deal with her since so many people seem to have the same kinds of problems!

Haha gotcha! I just hope my kids don''t feel the same about me *worried grimace*.
I thought Selkie''s idea of letting Mum control an aspect or two of the wedding that she really cares about - and is good at - table settings, anyone? - or something...? - that might be a good way of getting her on board!

 

[violet3]

Hawaiian - I am sorry you felt badly when you read the posts/replies!

I love the idea of giving your mom a project! I would pick a couple of things that you really don''t care too much about (for me, there are MANY things i have absolutely no opinion on) and ask her what to do about it/take her advice. I get what you are saying about "if you picked the big wedding, it still wouldn''t be good enough....." thing - mom''s can be like that, and it''s crummy.

Having said that, could you maybe just say something bold like..."this is the kind of wedding i AM HAVING, and i am really excited about it. But every time we discuss an issue (aka the dress) you bring the conversation back around to the fact that you don''t like my idea, and this really hurts my feelings." ????? Maybe you could just be direct and get it over with - tell her she''s not being very supportive and it''s putting a damper on your planning????

As i am typing this I AM COMPLETELY AWARE that i COULD NEVER say this to my own mother, as she would probably stop speaking to me all together and not attend.

But maybe you have a shot at being direct and letting her know how you feel about it. Then give her a couple of things she can decide on.....

 

[NuggetBrain]

Date: 4/9/2009 7:54:01 AM
Author: hawaiianorangetree
First i just wanted to say that i was rather shocked and hurt by some of the comments left after my post.

I wasn't looking for advice and opinions on my suprise wedding idea, i like my idea, we are still doing it, but the way that some of you attacked it was well, rather mean. I understand that a suprise wedding is not everyones cup of tea, but it suits us and we are happy with our plans, even if alot of you made me doubt the idea for well, 5 minutes. We are both actually really enjoying the whole process, it has brought us alot closer and we are creating this magical place (our back yard) not only to get married in, but to spend the rest of our lives together in. I do take my wedding seriously, but i don't believe that an informal occassion means that i feel less about my marriage, afterall, it's not really about the effort you put into that one day, it's the effort that comes after it.

If i didn't like someones idea for a wedding i certainly wouldn't 'piss all over it' yes, nuggetbrain, that is how i felt.

Thank you to Lara,Guilty, Violet and Selkie who actually got what my post was about. I really appreciate your comments and you made me feel less like wanting to crawl under a rock and die.

Beachrunner... are you as cute as me? If so, it is possible we share the same mum!! (Maybe that's why they want us to be seen?)

Anyways, my sook was about my mother... this is a woman who, if i was having a large formal wedding would be complaining that it is a waste of money and inappropriate for me to be having since we already have children and live together... i just can't please her and she has never approved of anything that i have done, so it was no suprise to me that she is not keen on the suprise wedding idea...but all i wanted was a little advice on how to deal with her since so many people seem to have the same kinds of problems!

But i am over it now, i have learnt my lesson on what to post about and perhaps next time when i write what do i do? i wont assume that people have half a brain and can tell what i am referring to, and i will use whole direct sentences shuch as what do i do about my mother???

Just stay tuned for the post in about a year from now which shows you all just how fabulous and exciting my suprise wedding was.

I don't think you should be taking people's opinions so personally, especially since no matter what we say, its your wedding. Nobody was saying it to be hurtful, at least from my perspective. Nobody said "Oh my god that's a horrible idea, what the hell were you thinking???" If you like the idea of a surprise wedding you should go for it - its your day and you should do whatever makes you happy. I myself expressed that opinion as well. But that doesn't mean that people can't point out a couple things to think about in conjunction with your surprise wedding. Its not something that's traditional (which is great in and of itself) but whenever you post something about a very non-traditional idea, people are going to express surprise and you're going to get opinions on it. I hope your wedding day is beautiful and special, which is the only reason that I mentioned the stuff that I did. I would hate for someone important to you not to make it there because they didn't know it was a wedding and just thought it was a party or get together.

 

[lucyandroger]

Hawaiian,

I don''t have any advice for you as I have a very difficult/critical mother as well and I still haven''t figured out how to handle her. I can only imagine what she''ll be like when SO and I start really planning the wedding.

So just hugs and sympathy there.

The real reason I wanted to pop in here was to ask you not to wait a year to post about how awesome your wedding is. Please keep posting as you''re planning! First of all, I LOVE the idea of a backyard wedding and if SO and I get a house with a nice enough yard this will certainly be under consideration for us. And I think your idea of a surprise wedding is one of the most interesting I''ve ever heard. I would love to hear how you plan out the little details while keeping it a surprise.

So, I just wanted to say - keep posting!!! Not everyone wants the cookie-cutter wedding and how boring to just read posts about weddings in country clubs and hotels (not that there''s anything wrong with that!) Okay, hope to see you around here.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Thanks Lara and Violet

I think giving her something to be in charge of is a great idea! What, i am not sure of as i can be a little bit of a control freak, but i am sure there is something! She is quite arty so perhaps i can put those skills to good use.

But first i will be laying down the law...

Author: violet3

Having said that, could you maybe just say something bold like...''this is the kind of wedding i AM HAVING, and i am really excited about it. But every time we discuss an issue (aka the dress) you bring the conversation back around to the fact that you don''t like my idea, and this really hurts my feelings.'' ????? Maybe you could just be direct and get it over with - tell her she''s not being very supportive and it''s putting a damper on your planning????

and i have been rehearsing something along the lines of Violets ideas.

Nugget i can see your point about people not turning up but i am not worried at all, we only have a small handfull of friends and family and they were all really dissapointed that we had to postpone our engagement party to next year, i am absolutely positive that all the important people wouldn''t miss our belated engagement party for the world, and if for some reason someone important who i could not stand not to be there was to decline, i am pretty sure i would let them in on the secret.

Lucy thanks for your encouragement... i might just keep lurking around here.. afterall who else am i going to ask about colour schemes and what not?

 

[NuggetBrain]

That cleared up so much for me - I didn''t know it was an engagement party, I thought it was just like "Hey, we''re having a party so come on over" type of thing. You''re right, most people will not miss something like that. Keep us updated - I''m really curious to see some of your ideas and I want to know how everything turns out.

 

[doodle]

giving your mom a project was my idea, too. let her be responsible for tracking down music or hiring a caterer or getting together favors or whatever, but if you give her something to do, she''ll feel included without driving you crazy. added bonus--give her something to do that would be a traditional wedding detail that you''re including even though you''re not having a traditional wedding, and the project might appeal to her even more. something like say printing menus or helping with a cake. also, please keep in mind that even a "traditional" wedding today isn''t usually what our parents would consider traditional. i''m 25, my mother is in her mid-40s so she''s young to have a child already married, and she tends to be the creative, arty, laid-back type, but with weddings, she still has a mental image of pastel colors and champagne. she thought my DH and i were crazy when we picked blue, aqua, purple, and lime as our wedding colors, but she loved it once she saw everything come together, so don''t get too upset when people react adversely to your ideas. sometimes it takes seeing something for people to really "get" it. now, about this dress...surely you didn''t put a pronovias on your person, tell us about it, and NOT post pictures, so is there a thread i missed somewhere or are you taunting us?