Estranged MIL has cancer

[AGBF]

My husband's wife was always rather cold to our parents. She obviously perceived them (and me) as a threat. Sometimes the the coldness crept over into clear hostility. My parents never felt comfortable in her presence or her home. She wanted her family of origin to be close to their children and only included my parents in occasions in the most pro forma ways.

When my brother and sister-in-law's second child was born, my parents were asked not to come to visit the first day, although his wife's family did. My parents were kept at such an arm's lengh from that grandchild that my mother said, at one point, "I don't even know that child!". ( But that changed over time. My parents eventually got to know their second granddaughter, too.)

My sister-in-law made it clear that she disparaged my (very wise) mother's views on child rearing, which my mother never tried to thrust on her. Once when she was here in this house (my parents' house) overnight with my brother and her young children she took down a picture that was in my parents' upstairs bathroom and, without saying a word, put it on my parents' bed. The clear message was that it was inappropriate for children for to be exposed to it and that my mother should put it away. But nothing was said. That is how she and family communicate. The picture had been given to my father by one of his psychotherapy clients who was an artist. it was done by hand. It showed a man and woman in a bathtub together, bubbles up to their shoulder, only shoulders, arms, and heads showing. There was nothing racy about it except the notion that two adults might bathe together. that is what my parents dealt with. And they dealt with it with enormous grace.

At the very end of my mother's life in 2008 my sister-in-law started to show some sympathy for my mother.When her daughters had completed college and were launched, she seemed to relax about them and who was going to control them and shape them. I made strides to praise her mothering after my mother passed away and the relationship my father and I had with her improved. She had apparently really needed approval and affirmation and acceptance in doses that she had never gotten from us. When I told her, quite honestly, what a wonderful mother she had been to my nieces, she was very grateful and our relationship changed. She remains a rigid person, but she is positively inclined towards me now and certainly was towards my father in his last years.

I have no advice. I am just recounting a saga of a struggle. I do not know if it is helpful to anyone else, least of all to you, StephanieLynn. If it resonates with anyone, I am glad.

Deb

 

[House Cat]

Well we had a conversation last night that I hoped would be positive but didn't turn out that way. I am super frustrated at this point.

Found out last night she had cancer before I met my husband over 16 years ago, would be significant except I thought that when she had cancer several years ago that it was the first time. So I've kind of been left in the dark a bit it seems. Maybe that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

What does matter though is that DH told me that pretty much whatever effort I make with his mother at this point is too little too late, it's been three years so why would things change now? He feels it's almost like I'm being forced. So I said to him at one point that I feel if I don't ask about her, he feels I don't care, if I do ask about her he gets uncomfortable about me asking. He also made a remark that when he pictured himself married he never imagined his wife and mother wouldn't get along. I pointed out that the girl he did marry, who has no parents, was looking forward to having a relationship with her MIL. Yes everyone lost in this lottery.

Honestly, I am basically running a household of four plus several pets alone for the most part, I have to let this go because it's more than I can handle right now. I totally get that he might resent me in the end, our marriage may suffer of even end as a result, if that is how it goes then so be it. That may sound hasty but that's the feeling right now.

Luv, you said that even if she is lying and it turns out to be nothing, my concern should be how my husband feels about my relationship with his mother. Shouldn't I be concerned and give serious pause to having any kind of relationship to someone who exaggerated or outright lies about a terminal illness? He may not like that we don't have a relationship but he also needs to realize that she makes it near impossible with how dysfunctional she acts.

Tacori, Jambalaya, Housecat, AGBF, thank you for the responses, they have given me a lot to consider.

aljdewey, your post spawned the conversation I tried to have last night, unfortunately it did not go well on his end but I believe in always trying to approach things like this with positivity.

No blinders on here though, I understand the impact this could have on our marriage, unfortunately this is like fighting a losing battle at this point.

Dear Stephanie,

I went to Al Anon for a time and I learned a few concepts. One of my favorites is "Keeping your side of the street clean." This means that regardless of how the other party is acting, you behave with integrity, honesty, grace, and class. You do nothing that would bring you guilt or shame. You treat others the way you would want to be treated without any expectation of reward. In doing so, you know that you did the right thing always and you can be proud of yourself.

Your husband is putting you in a no win situation, which, in my opinion, is extremely immature. He should give you a chance at redemption on his side of things. But, since he won't, then it is up to you to be redeeming to yourself without looking for validation from anyone.

Even if that woman is lying, it doesn't matter. You behave in a way that would make you proud. If you feel that she is a liar, then keep boundaries. You don't' have to make her your best friend. You can be kind, keep your integrity, even be friendly and not tell her anything deep or personal about yourself. If she is mean, imagine her shittiness bouncing off of you as if you were made of rubber or something. Don't allow her to penetrate.

Have you read the book, Boundaries? By Henry Cloud? It's a good one that is always recommended for people like you... Women who are overworked in the home, taking care of the household with little to no help, who are also being hurt emotionally.

Now, if she still overtakes you emotionally (and some people do) then you should keep your distance for your own emotional safety.

Lastly, I recommend closing your eyes and picturing what you really want to do in this situation. What is it? Is it possible? How would you feel if you enacted your wants? If you can't act on all of your desires, can you put one or two into place?

You are angry and resigned because you are letting too many of your desires go...too much of yourself go. You deserve to have needs too.

((((((Hugs)))))))

 

[House Cat]

I'm sorry, I was really preachy there.. I need much more coffee.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Stephani, I know you're doing your best in a difficult situation. Hugs xxx

It sounds as if your husband's expectations were too high. By all accounts she's difficult, and so probably would have been the same with any DIL. And he just assumed his wife and mother would get along? I think that was very naïve of him. MIL/DIl conflict is famous. I once read a study that had looked objectively at this relationship and found that the DILs often have real reason to complain, such as the MIL seeing her as just an appendage to her son, there to look after him and have his kids. etc.

Are you sure she lied about her illness? Even if someone is difficult, that's a whole new level that would be rare to find. Sometimes people don't tell the whole truth about cancer because they don't want to worry their loved ones. Did the wires get crossed? It's very common to demonize difficult people who have hurt us, and to hear "us" (as human beings) talk, it's amazing how many psychopaths we all seem to have in our lives! Mostly these people are not as bad as you think, they just happened to have it in for us, for whatever reason - usually their own issues. There are people I know that I can't stand and have really been unfair to me, but they have great relationships with others! And if she lie about her illness, maybe she did it because she was feeling very unloved and lonely by her family. Not excusing it, but...

Try to be as gracious as you can. It sounds as if you won't have to pretend for very much longer.

Here is the thing about the MIL, she lies and embellishes for sympathy from the family, although I don't remember the lie (it was so many years ago) it came from my husband and he usually can keep his facts straight. She is less prone to lying and more prone to embellishing and exaggerating, you make a great point though, she is lonely and in need of attention. She obviously has baggage and I have baggage and they just don't mesh really well. I know that if I wasn't so damaged myself we would probably have a much different relationship but unfortunately my childhood was crappy and I carry a lot of emotional baggage around still. So that isn't her fault but it is a circumstance that adds a huge amount of difficulty to the situation.

I appreciate your kind words though, I really appreciate all the support from the PS community.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I'm sorry, I was really preachy there.. I need much more coffee.

Oh my goodness, not preachy at all, I am only slightly functional this morning because I had a large iced coffee already

I'm getting better at taking the high road and keeping my integrity but it's difficult, a work in progress for sure. Problem is my husband and MIL are extremists, like there is no middle ground with them at all and they respond in anger, it is very foreign to me but I have learned to just not get emotional and keep it to the facts and try to resolve the problem at hand. The DH though is just having a temper tantrum because he isn't getting what he wants, he just wants us to get along and everyone to be happy since it makes his life easier and less stressful and also because it would make her feel better. I personally would not want someone just to associate with me on a fake superficial level but it seems that this is the theme of the entire family. This is where the problem comes in, she didn't care two licks about me until I spawned some kids and now all of a sudden I'm her favorite DIL (her favorite thing to say btw even though I'm the only DIL) and she wants a relationship etc. If she would just come out and say she could care less about me but tolerates me to see her son and grandchildren, I could respect that, I can't do fake, you don't just get to turn on a relationship because it's convenient for you, sorry.

I will be looking into that book for sure, thank you for the recommendation. You're right though, I'm angry and burnt out and honestly I love my son but I am very much looking forward to him going to school next year so I can get a freakin job. So I'm kind of on cruise control until then.

 

[Puppmom]

Stephanie, this sounds tough and I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle of two people you cannot please. Not a good place to be and I can tell it's weighing on you. My MIL is not a nice person and my DH turns a blind eye often. I too find it hard to walk the line that straddles treating her with respect and not taking her shit. Sometimes I trip up and become resentful that I'm even in that position in the first place. And other times, I find myself just dealing with her nonsense because I'm too tired to fight. Just be yourself. You can't make anyone appreciate your effort.

I didn't get to read all the responses but, Housecat, your response was so thoughtful and practical - not preachy at all. It was really good of you to take the time to post that.

 

[katharath]

Stephanie,

I'm sorry about your situation. I really don't have any advice, as my own situation is very different - my MIL is also extremely difficult, but DH made the decision to cut off his mom a few years back (wow, I just realized it's been at least 5 yrs, maybe even closer to 7!!). It was completely his choice; I personally remain unsure of whether or not it was the right thing to do, but that's a whole other story...I've supported him in his decision, as it was his to make. We've been no contact with her for years at this point.

Anyway, I do understand the frustration of dealing with manipulative family members, and it's awful.
I'm following your thread and hoping for the best for you and your DH. Based on your posts here, you strike me as a very sweet person, and I hope things get better for you.

 

[azstonie]

Outofthefog.website.

Like Housie, I too spent time in Al Anon. I heard it as "Stay on your side of the street" meaning the same as what Housie specified with one addition: Don't go over to their side of the street volunteering for a beat down!

Conducting yourself to your high standards does not include the Turn The Other Cheek thing ---you can deny someone close enough access to get really nasty with you without being nasty to them.

Boundaries are not discussed, they are enacted in order to protect yourself and your family from unrepentant bad behavior.

 

[lilmosun]

This is so difficult and I'm sorry you are going through this. Hopefully there is comfort that many of us have or will face the same situation with MILs (from speaking with friends/co-workers, it seems like it happens with daughter-in-laws more often and I hope when I have one, we have a good relationship).

Is it possible to show your husband that you do care by reaching out to her on your own (offering to help, visiting with the kids, or something?). It's not being phony but treating her as you would any other person in her situation. My concern in reading this is if he is reacting to you this way now that it will only be worse if/when she passes. (And fwiw - it's easier to put up with bad behavior when the person is not themselves due to health, age, etc).

My situation is more like katharath's but it's still hard for me. I am more social than my DH so always tried to go out of my way for his family. Both my parents come from big close extended families. But no matter what I did, I was treated like an outsider and often got blamed for things I didn't do to the point where I decided to stop wasting my time. My DH has always taken my side and has little contact with them (I am sure they blame me for that too). In the background, I've always trid to push him to maintain contact and go to family events without me (he won't) because I am always afraid that when time runs out, he will have regrets and maybe even resent me.

Now my MIL is in a memory care facility. On the surface, she is fine - just doesn't know what year she is living in or what she was saying/doing 5 minutes prior. I make an effort to go see her or do things for her - not for my husband but because to me, it's the right thing to do and perhaps deep down selfishly, I don't want to have any regrets. The funny thing is that after decades of maybe seeing me only once every few years, both my husband and daughter tell me that I am the one she always asks about and when an I coming next. So perhaps deep down she has had some regrets to over the years.

I can't advise you as each situation and person is different. I hope things work out for you.

 

[katharath]

I am always afraid that when time runs out, he will have regrets and maybe even resent me.

Oh, I know exactly what you mean with this!!

I don't want to threadjack so won't go on, but I wanted to say lilmosun

 

[AGBF]

My husband's wife was always rather cold to our parents.

I am quoting from something I posted above. What I meant to write was, "my brother's wife". My father (who was also my brother's father) died Tuesday and I was trying not to post anything about that which did not relate to the topic. (I knew I could start my own thread when I wanted to do so.) But my brain was obviously not functioning well!

 

[azstonie]

Deb, I'm sorry for your loss. You did so much for him. Peace to you and your family.

 

[rainwood]

Deb, I'm so sorry you lost your dad.

 

[AGBF]

Thank you, azstonie and rainwood. I will start another thread so that i do not threadjack this one.

Deb

 

[canuk-gal]

I am quoting from something I posted above. What I meant to write was, "my brother's wife". My father (who was also my brother's father) died Tuesday and I was trying not to post anything about that which did not relate to the topic. (I knew I could start my own thread when I wanted to do so.) But my brain was obviously not functioning well!

Oh Deb, this is a big message and I am very sorry for your loss. Very sad. In short, you really were the best daughter. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

healing vibes across the miles to you and your family--Sharon

 

[aljdewey]

Well we had a conversation last night that I hoped would be positive but didn't turn out that way. I am super frustrated at this point.

Found out last night she had cancer before I met my husband over 16 years ago, would be significant except I thought that when she had cancer several years ago that it was the first time. So I've kind of been left in the dark a bit it seems. Maybe that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

What does matter though is that DH told me that pretty much whatever effort I make with his mother at this point is too little too late, it's been three years so why would things change now? He feels it's almost like I'm being forced. So I said to him at one point that I feel if I don't ask about her, he feels I don't care, if I do ask about her he gets uncomfortable about me asking. He also made a remark that when he pictured himself married he never imagined his wife and mother wouldn't get along. I pointed out that the girl he did marry, who has no parents, was looking forward to having a relationship with her MIL. Yes everyone lost in this lottery.

Honestly, I am basically running a household of four plus several pets alone for the most part, I have to let this go because it's more than I can handle right now. I totally get that he might resent me in the end, our marriage may suffer of even end as a result, if that is how it goes then so be it. That may sound hasty but that's the feeling right now.

Luv, you said that even if she is lying and it turns out to be nothing, my concern should be how my husband feels about my relationship with his mother. Shouldn't I be concerned and give serious pause to having any kind of relationship to someone who exaggerated or outright lies about a terminal illness? He may not like that we don't have a relationship but he also needs to realize that she makes it near impossible with how dysfunctional she acts.

Tacori, Jambalaya, Housecat, AGBF, thank you for the responses, they have given me a lot to consider.

aljdewey, your post spawned the conversation I tried to have last night, unfortunately it did not go well on his end but I believe in always trying to approach things like this with positivity.

No blinders on here though, I understand the impact this could have on our marriage, unfortunately this is like fighting a losing battle at this point.

Stephanie Lynn, I applaud your effort to have a productive conversation on it, and I'm sorry for you that it didn't yield better results.

I think you've met the threshold here, and he's got to work out his feelings of disappointment over this himself. He hoped you'd get along with his mother; you hoped the same. BOTH of you had disappointments that it didn't work out that way, but it is what it is and he'll have to find his own peace with that. There are many things we hope for that don't materialize, and part of being an adult is finding acceptance about it.

For what it's worth to you, I think it takes more personal integrity to accept and live with the lack of a relationship with someone than it does to feign it, and I think it's far more respectful to his mom too. I hope your husband will come to see that and respect the way you've handled it.