- Joined
- Jan 26, 2003
- Messages
- 22,155
My husband's wife was always rather cold to our parents. She obviously perceived them (and me) as a threat. Sometimes the the coldness crept over into clear hostility. My parents never felt comfortable in her presence or her home. She wanted her family of origin to be close to their children and only included my parents in occasions in the most pro forma ways.
When my brother and sister-in-law's second child was born, my parents were asked not to come to visit the first day, although his wife's family did. My parents were kept at such an arm's lengh from that grandchild that my mother said, at one point, "I don't even know that child!". ( But that changed over time. My parents eventually got to know their second granddaughter, too.)
My sister-in-law made it clear that she disparaged my (very wise) mother's views on child rearing, which my mother never tried to thrust on her. Once when she was here in this house (my parents' house) overnight with my brother and her young children she took down a picture that was in my parents' upstairs bathroom and, without saying a word, put it on my parents' bed. The clear message was that it was inappropriate for children for to be exposed to it and that my mother should put it away. But nothing was said. That is how she and family communicate. The picture had been given to my father by one of his psychotherapy clients who was an artist. it was done by hand. It showed a man and woman in a bathtub together, bubbles up to their shoulder, only shoulders, arms, and heads showing. There was nothing racy about it except the notion that two adults might bathe together. that is what my parents dealt with. And they dealt with it with enormous grace.
At the very end of my mother's life in 2008 my sister-in-law started to show some sympathy for my mother.When her daughters had completed college and were launched, she seemed to relax about them and who was going to control them and shape them. I made strides to praise her mothering after my mother passed away and the relationship my father and I had with her improved. She had apparently really needed approval and affirmation and acceptance in doses that she had never gotten from us. When I told her, quite honestly, what a wonderful mother she had been to my nieces, she was very grateful and our relationship changed. She remains a rigid person, but she is positively inclined towards me now and certainly was towards my father in his last years.
I have no advice. I am just recounting a saga of a struggle. I do not know if it is helpful to anyone else, least of all to you, StephanieLynn. If it resonates with anyone, I am glad.
Deb
When my brother and sister-in-law's second child was born, my parents were asked not to come to visit the first day, although his wife's family did. My parents were kept at such an arm's lengh from that grandchild that my mother said, at one point, "I don't even know that child!". ( But that changed over time. My parents eventually got to know their second granddaughter, too.)
My sister-in-law made it clear that she disparaged my (very wise) mother's views on child rearing, which my mother never tried to thrust on her. Once when she was here in this house (my parents' house) overnight with my brother and her young children she took down a picture that was in my parents' upstairs bathroom and, without saying a word, put it on my parents' bed. The clear message was that it was inappropriate for children for to be exposed to it and that my mother should put it away. But nothing was said. That is how she and family communicate. The picture had been given to my father by one of his psychotherapy clients who was an artist. it was done by hand. It showed a man and woman in a bathtub together, bubbles up to their shoulder, only shoulders, arms, and heads showing. There was nothing racy about it except the notion that two adults might bathe together. that is what my parents dealt with. And they dealt with it with enormous grace.
At the very end of my mother's life in 2008 my sister-in-law started to show some sympathy for my mother.When her daughters had completed college and were launched, she seemed to relax about them and who was going to control them and shape them. I made strides to praise her mothering after my mother passed away and the relationship my father and I had with her improved. She had apparently really needed approval and affirmation and acceptance in doses that she had never gotten from us. When I told her, quite honestly, what a wonderful mother she had been to my nieces, she was very grateful and our relationship changed. She remains a rigid person, but she is positively inclined towards me now and certainly was towards my father in his last years.
I have no advice. I am just recounting a saga of a struggle. I do not know if it is helpful to anyone else, least of all to you, StephanieLynn. If it resonates with anyone, I am glad.
Deb