My engagement ring upsets me. Please Help

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Can you buy the setting from the company you originally shopped at--and reset your current diamond into it? Keep the heirloom setting for an anniversary and put a colored stone/birthstone in it.

FWIW, I do agree with MZ last statement--it is difficult to forget or "get over it" because looking at the ring is a constant reminder of "what if" and "why".

That said, only you can know how important this is to you. Coming here to vent is not only therapeutic, but useful to get others perspective if nothing else than to realize that "wanting" is not wrong and therefore recognizing guilt is a useless emotion. However, in the final analysis, you and your fiancée have to work this issue out.

Oh and your ring is lovely!

cheers--Sharon

 

[Elle711]

Here is what the original right we chose and the band looked like. He picked the store because his family members rings came from the same store, I picked the stone, he picked the plain solitaire setting as opposed to one that looked like the wedding band, and I picked to have the plain band thinned down as much as possible.

 

[Rhea]

Based on what you wrote, I think you have a fairly good idea why this is such a difficult situation for you and your heart might not be in this ring. And it also sounds like your fiance, as great of a guy as he is, doesn't (can't? won't?) understand. If you've already explained all this to him, and he still doesn't get it, is he open to keeping this ring as a RHR or future anniversary present, and getting something else that's just the two of you as an engagement ring? Or is it truly a "this is your engagement ring and that's that (and I don't care about how you feel)" sort of situation?

And to echo previous posters, every relationship has disagreements and rough patches; it's how the couple communicates and works through them that matters. I'm truly sorry you're dealing with this.

This is where I think we're both stumped. I'm not sure another ring would fix it, I want a new one but I also want to just love this one. I think I'll feel guilty or demanding. I also don't want to hurt his feeling when this ring apparently means a lot to him and the other didn't. I just know that when I look at this one i see the issue and not the excitement about getting engaged to my best friend.

and there you have it. believe me when I say this will not go away and will always be in the back of your mind. I hope you both find a way to work on the issue and move forward.

eta: the ring looks lovely on your finger. it would look equally good as a RHR. you could wear this ring until you get your wedding band. the wedding band could be something blingy that YOU pick out. then start wearing this ring as a RHR. just an idea.....however, this isn't really the issue that needs to be resolved, is it?

This is what I did. My situation is quite a bit different to yours so not sure sharing would make sense. But I "solved" the problem by simply buying a wedding band that I picked out and loved. In DH's mind no ring other than the one he gave me when we agreed to marry could ever be my engagement ring and he's not the upgrading type. We are at that rock and hard place where a new ring isn't the answer and the old one can't be fixed so 10 years later I just don't wear it - never have, even when we were engaged - and get on with daily life. DH's ideas on the engagement ring being a compromise to represent us rather than what I wanted haven't translated to other areas of life.

 

[VirginiaZee]

Anyway, I tried to bring up about the ring and how I wanted the one we had selected together because that meant something to me. He didn't budge. I could tell he was set on the new ring.

Why? (Not that you need to answer that here, but just something to figure out.) Why did he ignore your wishes and refuse to budge/become set on the new ring? What about that new ring pulled him in so much that your previous conversations didn't seem to matter? The answer to that might help you know how to proceed.

 

[Elle711]

This is what I did. My situation is quite a bit different to yours so not sure sharing would make sense. But I "solved" the problem by simply buying a wedding band that I picked out and loved. In DH's mind no ring other than the one he gave me when we agreed to marry could ever be my engagement ring and he's not the upgrading type. We are at that rock and hard place where a new ring isn't the answer and the old one can't be fixed so 10 years later I just don't wear it - never have, even when we were engaged - and get on with daily life. DH's ideas on the engagement ring being a compromise to represent us rather than what I wanted haven't translated to other areas of life.

Thank you so much for posting this. I've come to realized this is the issue I've been having the hardest time with and I think it because I am very afraid that this mindset will follow us throughout our marriage. It has happened in smaller, less important cases in the past and we worked through them. Mostly it ended in him saying he won't put me second again. However, I don't think he truly understands the issue. If he did, he wouldn't continue to hurt me like this. I can tell he is extremely upset he hurt me but what makes it worse is that I can see that he really does not see what went wrong. He thinks he did the perfect thing.

I tried to explain it to him again last night (when I found him washing dishes at midnight I told he we need to talk about it again if he's this upset too). However, the talk ended with me crying and him upset with me and maybe himself and still confused. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong that he doesn't see the bigger picture. He knows it is not about the ring but he doesn't see how I got left out of the equation. I feel like he is so traditional that he thought it was the right thing to do.

Many people have asked about his mothers role in the family. It is what you would imagine. She doesn't really work, only as a preschool teacher twice a week or less, and she doesn't have much say in the financial equation. I've been telling him since the first year that we dated that I expected all things to be equal because the lack of equality is in large part what destroyed my parents' marriage. He always has supported that I am this way and is very supportive with my work but he continues to relapse and take a "traditional" stance on things. He thinks he is only doing the right thing and I fail to get him to understand the issue. My mom loves my fiance to the end of the earth but she has been warning me for years about his perspective. She says he's becoming more and more like his father (a very good man but a typical "head of the house man). I am worried she is right. I need to find a way to show him how to include me in decisions like a modern couple and I have not succeeded. Any suggestions?

On a side note: this thread has been so unbelievably helpful in assisting me with organizing my thoughts. I can't believe how supportive and helpful you all are!

 

[VirginiaZee]

Okay... you're both hurt, upset, and want to help make things better. This is actually good, that you both truly care about the other person, that you're talking, and that you have a foundation of talking and working through challenges. (I'm just trying to say that it will be okay... it's not okay now, but from what you wrote it will be okay later on. I know for me personally sometimes I forget that and need someone, anyone, to tell me.)

I feel like he is so traditional that he thought it was the right thing to do

And as you've said, this might be the challenge. Unfortunately or fortunately, the way we were raised and the parent(s) we grew up with are the first pattern for us for how to act. Sure, later on in life we might say "WTF was THAT?!" and swear to do things differently, but they're still our first exposure to adult relationships.

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong that he doesn't see the bigger picture.

It's not you, honest. See the next quote.

He thinks he is only doing the right thing

Yep, now we're getting somewhere. He's trying to do what he things is right (maybe what he was taught was right, how he was raised to expect a "real man" to behave, or simply what he observed in his own household), not because he's trying to be an insensitive clod on this, but because he's really truly trying. Unfortunately, what he thinks is right and what's right for the two of you seem to be at odds.

I need to find a way to show him how to include me in decisions like a modern couple and I have not succeeded.

Can you think of a time in the past that you made a decision together, all the way from initial discussion through actually doing it? It doesn't have to be huge. Actually, it might be easier if it's not, since the day-to-day decisions tend to shape things as much if not more than the huge moments. Something as small as what to eat or where to eat for dinner, what to do for date night, etc. If you can think of that time, maybe that could serve as a template of sorts for joint decision making, starting with the smaller daily decisions and building from there.

Also, there are premarital counseling workbooks out there that involve lists of questions and things to work through, and that give you a pre-fab way to talk about things like finances, chores, family, decision-making, and how the family of origin you grew up in can shape how you view things. The nice thing about these workbooks is they ask the tough questions for you, so you don't really need to just bring them up out of the blue one day, you'd just be working through the book together.

 

[Phanie]

Elle711.
One word. Counselling.
If it had happen before, it will happen AGAIN.
Trust me been there.
People do not change, they improve, work their kinks but they do not change.
He does not seem to GET IT. Per your words, almost ever. To me that is worrisome and you should consider premarital counselling to be sure you are making the right decision both of you. Something has to improve. Hopefully, it is the tip of the iceberg that just start a process of discovery and resolution. He needs to truly realize that just because he thinks he did the right thing, does not mean the results are right. It seems that this point of friction has come to a high note, work on it
(FYI I am a part time RN, I work 5 days per 2 weeks and yes it is really work.I won't even start on raising children either this is THE REAL work. From your comment on his mom, I cannot imagine if you end up staying home to raise the kids when they are little, childcare is expensive and sometimes it is more financially sound to stay home...).
I have had at least 3 different posts on this since this am but that last bit just sounded the blaring alarms for me.
Know that we all project our own stuff onto others, based on the data you gave , I was "OMG, please go into this marriage with wide open eyes and no people do not change they improve and make efforts". Been there done that.
Talk, talk, talk until you both get it.
It is hard but needs to be done so you can make an informed decision (ie get into marriage fully aware of both of your flaws, coping mechanisms, etc).
Just so you know, I wish I did this, and I am sure I would still marry my DH but I would have had more tools to deal with what makes me wince and same for him.
This is not to dissuade you to marry him, but to make sure you have more tools to deal with the little things that already bug you, because those will only get you more resentful in the long run if not dealt with. (you know, those little things that are endearing now will get on your nerves after 10 years!)
Good luck, don't get all angry and sad ; work it out to the deep end. You'll see, you both will be better partners for it, kind of a blessing in disguise.

 

[Mnw1406]

You poor thing! I clicked on this thread because I once wanted to have my e-ring reset and I was curious about what another bride was going through! I'm a newliwed, so I haven't had my e-ring for that long but I can definitely relate to your feeling of disappointment.

Here are my thoughts/advice to you: At this point in your saga, there are a lot of convoluted feelings involved with this peice of jewlery and you and your fiance have a bad taste in your mouth's about the e-rings. So, regardless of how you choose to move forward, you need to first start by trying your best to mentally wipe the slate clean with the heirloom ring and the unproductive convo about it. As you said, you don't know how to fix the situation because now you are just mentally exhausted over it. So, start fresh by recognizing that what's done is done - meaning, stop pondering about your fiance's possible motivations for giving you the heirloom and stop thinking about the ring that you don't have. As long as you are staring down at the heirloom ring and immediately thinking about how it may or may not symbolize that your fiance will always choose his family over your feelings, obviously you are going to stay upset. I would be very hesitant to make this ring a symbol for your entire future together considering that the proposal is a one time event (definitely not the same as buying a house together lol). So, I think you should first mentally take a step back, and get some distance so your feelings don't continue to spiral, so you can clearly think about this as a possible isolated misunderstanding. Then, I think you have two options:

1) Have another convo with your fiance, but from a different angle. Guys don't always understand why we love or want the things we want, and that's fine - they don't have to actually understand in order to give it to us! Haha sometimes all the man needs to know is that happy wife = happy life and if this (insert thing) is going to make wife happy then ok!

So, in a lighthearted tone, simply level with your fiance as openly as possible and tell him in spite of everything you still want the other ring and can he please just let you have it?! Lol I said something similar to my fiance when we were arguing over the hideous tuxedo he bought to wear at our wedding. I realized I was not getting anywhere with him by trying to explain how emotionally attached I was to my vision of him as a groom wearing a certain tux - he just looked at me like I had 3 heads. Then, the conversation kind of spiraled into a bigger argument, and eventually he grudgingly offered to get the tux tailored differently, but at that point I felt so weird about how heated the conversation had gotten that I just said "no that's okay" - so we were both unhappy at the end of the convo. So, I decided to let the issue die down for a little while until I felt that we could both potentially talk about it calmy...and maybe even be able to laugh over it. Then, I just went up to him and instead of sitting him down and trying to have a super serious conversation, I just said "look, I know you don't get it, but I don't want you to wear that tux and can we please just go get another one? Clearly this tux means different things to each of us, and I know I may be crazy and a bridezilla since I can't explain it very well but can you please just do this for me and then we never have to talk about your wardrobe ever again? Pretty please?" He half rolled his eyes, laughed at me and said okay! (basically gave me the look that Ricky Ricardo gives Lucy lol).

So I would try something similar with your fiance - since he doesn't understand why you are upset, just tell him "I know you don't understand, but can you just let me have the other ring and tell your family that we decided to keep the other ring as a RHR so we can move on with this and be happy?!?"

If that doesn't work, then your other option:

2) Go my route, and start making yourself like the ring he gave you by stopping yourself from comparing it to what you DON'T have. I used to want to have my ring reset, but never told my husband because I WANTED to like it - and now I do! Its kind of a "fake it 'til you make it" mindset... and its surprisingly effective. As long as you are staring down at your ring and thinking about how its NOT the ring you picked out in the store, you are never going to feel good about keeping it. That's basically how I used to feel about my e-ring - everytime I looked down I would get annoyed and frustrated that I couldn't simply fix what I didn't like about it. So, instead, I started to mentally check myself whenever those thoughts came into my head. I would try really hard to stop comparing it to other rings out there, and just accept that this was my ring. Once the possibility of an exchange was off the table in my mind, I was able to start appreciating the ring for its own merrits. It's taking time, but over time this ring is starting to feel more and more like "my ring" just because I've have had it on my finger for so long. There are people out there that will say "you should love your e-ring right away! I always did!" - but everyone is different, every relationship is different. Don't feel guilty for not liking the heirloom ring right away! You may someday

Gooooood LUCK!

 

[mrs-b]

Hi Elle -

I like your heirloom ring, but see little resemblance between it and the original ring you chose, so I'd be interested to know in what way your fiance had it modified to look like the ring you chose. For my money, they're very different.

I think an alarm went off in my head when you mentioned that jewelry has "little to no value" to your fiance's family, and the heirloom ring he gave you "was just laying around." I don't think I would enjoy a ring to which people attached no value and which had just "been laying around". Not much romance in that, and certainly no collaboration. And frankly, if they attach so little importance to it, why would they care if you wanted to change it or not use it, unless it's just a case of "we want to do things our way, not yours!"

Most things you've said about your relationship with your fiance wave red flags to me. Your family may be dysfunctional, but it's still significant when your mother - who you said definitely loves your fiance - has been warning you about him and his expectations for years.

But I think you encapsulate the problem when you say "I need to find a way to show him how to include me in decisions"..."and I have failed." That's a big ol' red flag right there! You've said that you've made it clear from the get-go how important equality in a relationship is to you. The fact that you feel as though your relationship doesn't model that behavior should give you pause to think. You've said that your fiance continually relapses into a traditional stance - by which I gather you mean a dominant role, rather than one of equality.

Please - listen to your gut on this. Your fiance may well be a wonderful, wonderful person. But there is a SIGNIFICANT difference in what each of you want your roles to be in a lifetime relationship. You would do well to acknowledge it and to ask yourself the hard questions. Would the dissatisfaction you would experience in the type of role you would have (be allotted, in fact, since it would not be your choice of role) in your marriage outweigh the enjoyment you would experience in being married to this particular man? It takes more than two people being good - even wonderful - for a marriage to work. There has to be fit - not just good character.

Small irritations make big blisters. Big irritations make them bigger and faster, and they can turn into wounds impossible to heal.

 

[wakingdreams53]

Firstly, congrats on your engagement! Secondly, I'm sorry that it's been so sour

It sounds like your FI is super traditional and figured that while you went shopping together and you made your preferences known, the final decision was his alone. Many men still see it that way. I lucked out with my FI because he understood the principle of "Happy Wife, Happy Life" and we did the entire decision making together for a ring that I'd wear forever.

He probably feels a lot like this: because he did exactly what a traditional man would. However, as much as it might pain you to assert yourself and say it, he needs to know that this isn't what you want. The engagement ring is a beautiful symbol, it's not the same thing that it was decades ago. You're more of an equal now and you have tastes and desires that MUST be addressed.

It sounds like he isn't maliciously trying to hurt you, but you're definitely hurt. I will echo all the other posters and say that COMMUNICATION IS KEY. However, female-male communication on jewelry becomes very Men are from Mars.

After so many years together, I think you should just tell him that you're not happy. If he wants you to be happy, you need to tell him what you want. But first, you need to decide what it is that you want. Reset the stone? New ring all together? Men are doers, not talkers, giving him a distinct plan of action will be a lot easier for him to swallow than you wallowing around upset about your ring.

*hugs* I hope you'll be happy soon.

 

[merk0909]

Hi Elle, long time lurker here...

I'm sorry this situation has gotten this far for you guys, it sounds like what's supposed to be a really happy exciting time for you has turned into a high anxiety situation

Anyway, I thought I'd post my .02 seeing that I'm recently engaged and have a somewhat similar story that I'll keep short.

I went with my then Boyfriend (now Fiance) to look at and try on rings and fell in love with the one! He had a conversation with his mom shortly after where she offered a family stone from a broach or something and he turned it down without even asking me about it! I'm sure the stone was absolutely gorgeous (probably "better" than what I ended up with) but he explained to me that it meant something to him to be able to go out and spend his own hard earned money on what I (we) wanted. His family has been there to help him out financially for pretty much his whole life, and he's finally in a great place and was so proud to be able to do this on his own. After I heard that, I knew I would never dream of asking about that other broach ring, and I'm head over heels with what I got!

Your fiance thinks he did the right thing because he took the best pieces of everything (your vision and what he thought was your ring sytle + his heirloom stone) and mushed them together. It also doesn't hurt that he did save a decent amount of $$ doing so. For what it's worth I think the heirloom ring is really pretty and does look amazing on your hand. But, it's also very different than your original option.

Here's the thing... for the first ring he picked out the setting, you picked out the stone and had the setting altered a bit so it was more to your liking. I'm sure you put a lot of thought into that stone, and spent a lot of time considering what he would be ok with too. It also sounds like you compromised a bit on your setting (getting more what he wanted) but altering so that it would suit you more. Those ingredients (a little of you and a little of him) = the perfect ring... and all of that time and feeling and emotion that went into selecting it went out the window when he decided to go with the heirloom which is what stings. It's like none of it mattered anymore.

I know this doesn't solve anything for you, but thought it might help in identifying in convos with him exactly where your feelings were hurt.

 

[jillianfl]

Agreed with many, the biggest problem is that he is not listening to you, and I suspect this isn't the first time but this is a big deal as you will have it forever and I agree it's about you and he and I am totally on your side and I would feel the same. If it were me I would say that "ok I would just prefer to marry you with out a ring since I wanted it to be special something you and I picked out together and I don't feel comfortable because this came from your family and not from you. So I just prefer to get married to you with no ring then"... I suspect he will not be comfortable with you choosing no ring over that ring and he will cave!

 

[MMtwo]

I feel differently than many here. Sorry. I am going to be a minority. I have great respect for differing opinions. I am older and maybe am still a little old fashioned, so please understand I am not sure I have this right, but here are my thoughts.

If engagements were truly equal, women would buy her boyfriend an diamond engagement ring too It is a symbol of his love and his ability to care of her. Even looking at the posts on "Show me the Bling" you see posts by women saying things like, "he spoils me", "he is good to me". Don't kid yourself, engagement and marriage is steeped in tradition.

Men love to please women. When he sees your disappointment over a beautiful ring, his ego may be hurt. You can try to explain why his ring is not what you had hoped for, but what he may be hearing is his ring is not good enough and he did not please you. Your feelings are valid! I do not mean to imply that you are in any way wrong to be disappointed, but his inability to "hear" you could be complicated by a bruised ego.

You obviously love and respect him. The family obviously likes you, or the ring would not have appeared for your finger. These are all REALLY wonderful blessings.

For everyone who is annoyed by this post, sorry.

 

[CharmyPoo]

I am not going to weigh in on the situation but I just want to say the heirloom ring is beautiful. I like it more than your original choice.

 

[2Neezers]

I think your engagement ring is really beautiful!
The one you picked out together is pretty too, but the one your fiancé gave you looks fantastic on your hand and looks more unique to me.
You have been given lots of great advice and I hope you and your fiance will come to a peaceful place in this situation.
I have to agree with moneymeister that engagement rings are not representative of equality in a relationship. In my opinion, if all things were equal, they would present us with a beautiful ring and we would present them with something they would cherish like a shiny classic car of equal value

 

[Dreamer_D]

I am not going to weigh in on the situation but I just want to say the heirloom ring is beautiful. I like it more than your original choice.

I agree!

Here is my advice after 10 years... Sometimes it's important to let things go in your relationship and your life. Maybe this is one of those times?

 

[MarionC]

Hi Elle -


I think an alarm went off in my head when you mentioned that jewelry has "little to no value" to your fiance's family, and the heirloom ring he gave you "was just laying around." I don't think I would enjoy a ring to which people attached no value and which had just "been laying around". Not much romance in that, and certainly no collaboration. And frankly, if they attach so little importance to it, why would they care if you wanted to change it or not use it, unless it's just a case of "we want to do things our way, not yours!"

Most things you've said about your relationship with your fiance wave red flags to me. Your family may be dysfunctional, but it's still significant when your mother - who you said definitely loves your fiance - has been warning you about him and his expectations for years.

But I think you encapsulate the problem when you say "I need to find a way to show him how to include me in decisions"..."and I have failed." That's a big ol' red flag right there! You've said that you've made it clear from the get-go how important equality in a relationship is to you. The fact that you feel as though your relationship doesn't model that behavior should give you pause to think. You've said that your fiance continually relapses into a traditional stance - by which I gather you mean a dominant role, rather than one of equality.

Please - listen to your gut on this. Your fiance may well be a wonderful, wonderful person. But there is a SIGNIFICANT difference in what each of you want your roles to be in a lifetime relationship. You would do well to acknowledge it and to ask yourself the hard questions. Would the dissatisfaction you would experience in the type of role you would have (be allotted, in fact, since it would not be your choice of role) in your marriage outweigh the enjoyment you would experience in being married to this particular man? It takes more than two people being good - even wonderful - for a marriage to work. There has to be fit - not just good character.

Small irritations make big blisters. Big irritations make them bigger and faster, and they can turn into wounds impossible to heal.

excellent post, Mrs blop. words of wisdom.
I too had issues arise around my engagement ring. After we had picked out several choices together he proposed with a totally different ring that I hated. Other similar incidents occurred. I don't like red roses. Guess what flowers he gave me as part of the proposal....I tried to be OK with those kinds of things but I was carrying the burden of "things not being quite right" and
eventually I was miserable.
Good to shed lots of light on this issue that is bothering you before proceeding!

 

[the_mother_thing]

... I just want to say the heirloom ring is beautiful. I like it more than your original choice.

^^^^
This!

The heirloom ring - while obviously different than your original pick - is really quite beautiful! in fact, it's very similar to a custom ring another PSer is having made that I really adore. But in the end, your feelings about the situation and communication take priority, so I hope you can work things out and come to some agreement and understanding through this situation.

And ...

BTW, it feels good to be able to buy your own jewelry...no explanations necessary to anyone!

^^^^
This!

I am grateful for the ability to buy my own jewelry since I have specific taste. Occasionally, my man princess chips in toward or buys me something but he lets me do the overall picking and deciding. Otherwise, I would end up with miniature Glocks on gold bands.

 

[MMtwo]

I'm also a fan of the heirloom piece, hands down.

 

[hippi_pixi]

I'm also a fan of the heirloom piece, hands down.

me too. i love it, its gorgeous. and much more personality than the modern solitaire. goodluck with your dilemma elle!

 

[Polished]

I love your heirloom, seriously love it and that your fiance worked on a style that he hoped would please you. And hey if you ever want your thin band solitaire ask the ladies and gents here for their imput, they are masters, and would help with a bangin' diamond and setting that would only be concerned with with pleasing YOU and only YOU. Your tastes will evolve and I'm so glad I've just returned from anight of trivia and I'm slightly tipsy because that dream ring of yours is really just so soso. You deserve better and you have it.

 

[DC519]

Ive read every post here because I was intrigued as Ive changed my e-ring THREE TIMES. And planning for a fourth eventually. (The first two times were the original, solitaire to pave solitaire to double halo--that did it, major DSS over here!) However, my then fiancé/now husband never batted an eyelash. We kind of picked out the original ring, and then once I got, told him I wanted him something else, and then something else, and then something else…(and you get the idea, I am sure I drove him INSANE with "look at this one!" "look at that one..") But he is in the mindset of, "Happy wife/happy life/Don't care what the ring is, just as long as the ring represents our engagement/marriage" etc. I said yes to the man, but the ring? Well, haha, obviously not.

Now, reading through your posts, I note a little different tone in your relationship. We are also very modern with VERY traditional families, we are the odd ones out in a sense (both work, both successful, a little older, no plans for kids for quite awhile etc.) but thankfully, we have worked through both good and bad times and are big talkers. We talk about everything and through this, we both put each other first before our immediate families because we are each others' family. Talking through it is really the only way to get out of this.

However, if you're saying one thing and he doesn't understand, this could potentially be a problem later in life. Agreeing to the above posters, people really don't change. They improve themselves, they try harder, they take yoga etc but they really don't change. Think how hard it is for you to change, and that is about how much faith you should put in others changing.

I have dated many traditional men, and while there are many, many women who would be over the moon, I'm a stubborn, must be equal kind of girl and to be honest, that's why it never worked with anyone else (as much as we both tried) I'm not saying that it won't or that it can't, it will just take both of you choosing each other everyday despite your differences in opinions/gender roles/ideals etc.

Be honest with yourself, is it the ring you're unhappy with or is it deep down the relationship that you're unsure of? Is it the engagement you want or the marriage? If it it's him everyday for the next 50 years, then I think you two can work it out, push past it and hopefully all will end in a beautiful e-ring you both love. If you're uneasy about marrying him, feel like you don't have a voice, then I suggest trying but also knowing it's okay to end the engagement and go make a life with someone else whenever that happens.

Good luck to you, I know this must be very, very difficult. Know that at all will be okay, if not today, then eventually!

 

[movie zombie]

Ive read every post here because I was intrigued as Ive changed my e-ring THREE TIMES. And planning for a fourth eventually. (The first two times were the original, solitaire to pave solitaire to double halo--that did it, major DSS over here!) However, my then fiancé/now husband never batted an eyelash. We kind of picked out the original ring, and then once I got, told him I wanted him something else, and then something else, and then something else…(and you get the idea, I am sure I drove him INSANE with "look at this one!" "look at that one..") But he is in the mindset of, "Happy wife/happy life/Don't care what the ring is, just as long as the ring represents our engagement/marriage" etc. I said yes to the man, but the ring? Well, haha, obviously not.

Now, reading through your posts, I note a little different tone in your relationship. We are also very modern with VERY traditional families, we are the odd ones out in a sense (both work, both successful, a little older, no plans for kids for quite awhile etc.) but thankfully, we have worked through both good and bad times and are big talkers. We talk about everything and through this, we both put each other first before our immediate families because we are each others' family. Talking through it is really the only way to get out of this.

However, if you're saying one thing and he doesn't understand, this could potentially be a problem later in life. Agreeing to the above posters, people really don't change. They improve themselves, they try harder, they take yoga etc but they really don't change. Think how hard it is for you to change, and that is about how much faith you should put in others changing.

I have dated many traditional men, and while there are many, many women who would be over the moon, I'm a stubborn, must be equal kind of girl and to be honest, that's why it never worked with anyone else (as much as we both tried) I'm not saying that it won't or that it can't, it will just take both of you choosing each other everyday despite your differences in opinions/gender roles/ideals etc.

Be honest with yourself, is it the ring you're unhappy with or is it deep down the relationship that you're unsure of? Is it the engagement you want or the marriage? If it it's him everyday for the next 50 years, then I think you two can work it out, push past it and hopefully all will end in a beautiful e-ring you both love. If you're uneasy about marrying him, feel like you don't have a voice, then I suggest trying but also knowing it's okay to end the engagement and go make a life with someone else whenever that happens.

Good luck to you, I know this must be very, very difficult. Know that at all will be okay, if not today, then eventually!

re the bolded: so simple and yet so profound. great strategy for a successful marriage and a successful life.

 

[marymm]

OP - I think your ER upsets you because it symbolizes that your BF continues to follow the traditional, male-dominant approach to marriage rather than the modern partnership approach which you seek. The two of you may love each other but, despite all your prior conversations and his promises, I do not think your BF is able (and/or willing) to change his traditional viewpoint of marriage. Perhaps premarital counseling will help the two of you understand each other's perspectives such that you two are able to reach a shared understanding of the nature of your marriage - if it were me, I'd want to be as sure as I could be that we had this shared commitment to marriage as a partnership and as our priority, and the necessary communication tools in place, before I entered into marriage.

 

[paeony]

This is completely out of left field and I don't know if its beyond the point of no return, but does your fiancé have a sister?
While some women would be thrilled to have an heirloom from their husbands family, I think a woman with strong opinions would have a harder time getting on board because there's no sentimental value to them. If he has a sister, however, she may love the idea of having that ring one day. My sister-in-law got my grandmother's ring and hearing about how it took her a while to warm up to it upsets me because I would have been over-the-moon to have it.

 

[Rhea]

This is what I did. My situation is quite a bit different to yours so not sure sharing would make sense. But I "solved" the problem by simply buying a wedding band that I picked out and loved. In DH's mind no ring other than the one he gave me when we agreed to marry could ever be my engagement ring and he's not the upgrading type. We are at that rock and hard place where a new ring isn't the answer and the old one can't be fixed so 10 years later I just don't wear it - never have, even when we were engaged - and get on with daily life. DH's ideas on the engagement ring being a compromise to represent us rather than what I wanted haven't translated to other areas of life.

Thank you so much for posting this. I've come to realized this is the issue I've been having the hardest time with and I think it because I am very afraid that this mindset will follow us throughout our marriage. It has happened in smaller, less important cases in the past and we worked through them. Mostly it ended in him saying he won't put me second again. However, I don't think he truly understands the issue. If he did, he wouldn't continue to hurt me like this. I can tell he is extremely upset he hurt me but what makes it worse is that I can see that he really does not see what went wrong. He thinks he did the perfect thing.

I tried to explain it to him again last night (when I found him washing dishes at midnight I told he we need to talk about it again if he's this upset too). However, the talk ended with me crying and him upset with me and maybe himself and still confused. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong that he doesn't see the bigger picture. He knows it is not about the ring but he doesn't see how I got left out of the equation. I feel like he is so traditional that he thought it was the right thing to do.

Many people have asked about his mothers role in the family. It is what you would imagine. She doesn't really work, only as a preschool teacher twice a week or less, and she doesn't have much say in the financial equation. I've been telling him since the first year that we dated that I expected all things to be equal because the lack of equality is in large part what destroyed my parents' marriage. He always has supported that I am this way and is very supportive with my work but he continues to relapse and take a "traditional" stance on things. He thinks he is only doing the right thing and I fail to get him to understand the issue. My mom loves my fiance to the end of the earth but she has been warning me for years about his perspective. She says he's becoming more and more like his father (a very good man but a typical "head of the house man). I am worried she is right. I need to find a way to show him how to include me in decisions like a modern couple and I have not succeeded. Any suggestions?

On a side note: this thread has been so unbelievably helpful in assisting me with organizing my thoughts. I can't believe how supportive and helpful you all are!

The engagement ring was and remains the only time DH has forced a compromise when the outcome solely affects me. We argue and we compromise on a lot of things but he's never put his family before me, even when we were dating, nor requested that I do, act, or wear a certain thing which doesn't affect him. I hadn't actually really realised or thought about that until now.

My sister recently split with her live-in boyfriend of nearly 4 years after she realised that he said he was valuing her and putting her first that really he was constantly relapsing back into being the man in charge. I know getting engaged was a scary time for me, I never saw myself as the marrying type and I lashed out a bit at my fiancé at the time, wanting to discuss everything until there was agreement and wanting perfect equality in everything (If I'm honest, I regret not wearing a veil for the wedding. They're so pretty! but I digress). Pre-martial counselling sounds like a grand idea.

I didn't post at first because I thought this was just about a one-off argument, but your response to my post indicates that this is a reoccurring idea and argument. If you argue about the big stuff now, such as how your relationship is run and whose opinions are heard and when, it won't go away once you sign a piece of paper. If anything I'm more traditional now than before marriage even though we don't have children. If we did have children I believe it'd be made worse by simple biological fact and maternity leave. I'm responsible for things I swore blind I'd never do, such as organising the household, ensuring the pets are taken care of, reminding him about family and friend's special occasions, arranging our outings and holidays. I've stopped arguing about a lot of it because he does work longer hours and like Dreamer said sometimes you just have to let things go...but my points remains, unless worked on, those arguments and annoyances only get worse after the paper is signed.

 

[Tourmaline]

This is a very interesting topic. I, too, like the ring you got FAR more than the ring you wanted. Gosh, I would have been thrilled if my in-laws gave me ANYTHING.

I agree with the idea that if marriage and engagement were completely modern, you'd be buying each other rings and there wouldn't be a traditional man to woman proposal. There are BEAUTIFUL things about traditional values, things that are lost in many modern relationships. In traditional marriages, people value being married more than they value being individuals, and they are willing to sometimes work through issues and sometimes let things go, rather than let them fester and lead to divorce. You are getting a ton of modern advice here, but modern marriages aren't necessarily happy ones. I think you'd be far better off to let this go and start appreciating that your husband-to-be AND your in-laws-to-be want to love you and include you. That's a lot right there. I'm not sure what you hope to gain by taking and maintaining a stand that you resent them, but I don't think your actual gain from it will be very positive.

 

[DC519]

Modern or traditional, no marriage, no relationship even, can survive at length without choosing each other first before immediate family and having great communication.

 

[Tourmaline]

Modern or traditional, no marriage, no relationship even, can survive at length without choosing each other first before immediate family and having great communication.

I agree with this. But I don't think he was choosing his family over her. I think he thought he was doing something beautiful, and to not recognize that is counterproductive.

 

[vintagelover229]

Elle-I'm sorry your going though this. You've gotten a wide range of opinions so far but remember opinions are like a****** everybody has one You know your relationship better than anyone and only both of you can decide if this is right for you. I will tell you in my last relationship-where I didn't know myself and neither did he-I changed my e-ring right before/after the wedding and was focusing on that vs our relationship bc we weren't good together at all. Good man-both we weren't good for one another.

The heirloom ring is BEAUTIFUL. Have you considered that perhaps your FI didn't know there was a family ring that was an option? When he found out and saw it-perhaps he liked it more than the one you went to view together and was excited about the history behind it AND the fact that it saved you both money towards beginning the life you both want together? Men are pretty simple and sometimes just.don't.get.it.

My now husband is the most perfect man for me-but he is pretty traditional. I'm far from traditional in many ways but in others-totally traditional. I found a great deal on an e-ring months after meeting (I was in no way ready to get married despite thinking I was) but my husband-even knowing he'd have to hold onto it until I had grown/matured and figured out who I was bought it anyways. Its a lovely ring-but it was pretty much bought for 2 reasons 1) I knew we could sell it for more than we were buying (and it was pretty. and 2) It was bigger than my last one (which for some reason my DH cared about back then).

Now he's tradtional with the ring and semential value while I think we should cash in on the good deal and get me a ring that's more 'me' and quite a bit smaller. He says I can do it but deep down I know he likes me having a big beautiful diamond on my hand. The plan is (after nearly 5 years together and MANY conversations with him) he's finally 'okay' with me changing it. Still would prefer me not to but this has gone from 'it's not up for discussions blazing mad' to 'okay if it really makes you happy'.


This may be something that you guys talk about over the years as you can articulate your feelings better and he can understand you better. Another thing to consider is a simple reset of the main diamond. It's a lovely and lively looking stone and you like a very inexpensive simple solitare style setting which can be hand anywhere. A colored stone (sapphire-ruby-etc) could easily be reset into the setting for a right hand ring.

Keep your heart and mind open-I'm sure he's not out to spite you or to make you feel like your opinion doesn't matter on a ring. Your on a very unique forum-where everyone here is pretty vocal about their desires with their partners as well as very particular with their jewelery (many husbands won't buy jewelery but will pay for it mine is one of them although I'm beginning to rub off on him and do believe he could find something nice and not get taken to the cleaners).

If you do like the ring but just need time to adjust to the idea it's something different than you had dreamed in your head that is okay. You might end up finding out that its suites you better than you realize a few years in and you'll be glad you'll change it. However you very well may want a reset and put a colored stone in there-but then you'll probably need to explain to the family why it's different. That's okay though