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My engagement ring upsets me. Help!

Discussion in 'Proposal Ideas' started by Elle711, Aug 8, 2014.

  1. Elle711
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    by Elle711 » Aug 8, 2014
    To try to make a long story short; my fiancé and I have been together for 7 years. We started engagement ring shopping together in November. Together we picked out the most beautiful ring set and I was in love. I was very conscientious to stay as low as I could and when they gave us the final price of the ring he said "that's fine, it's not that bad". So for 8 months I day dreamed about our ring we picked out. Then I overheard that his aunt had found an heirloom ring to give to him. It was his great grandmothers who neither do us had met.

    A little bit of background: we have had numerous discussions over the years how something's should be "just us" and his family shouldn't be involved. We are very close to their family and I love them like my own but they tend to overstep boundaries. My family is a notorious mess so I do appreciate his very much but I appreciate things that are our very own more.

    Anyway, I tried to bring up about the ring and how I wanted the one we had selected together because that meant something to me. He didn't budge. I could tell he was set on the new ring. I have tried to love my ring. It is very pretty so it shouldn't be that hard. But I am feeling extremely hurt that his family seemed to have more of a say than i did after we had shopped together. Also, and here is where I feel super shallow and awful, the diamond is not nearly as nice or as large. I'm shocked that he wouldn't just talk to me and see how I felt about an heirloom ring before going through with this.

    What is everyone's thoughts? Do I just suck it up and move on/forget about the "dream ring"?

    One last thing-the day we picked out the ring, I had offered to him that we could pick out a plain band as an engagement ring together if he didn't want to spend the money. I'm not a very materialistic person and it would have meant a lot to me just the same.
     
    


    


  2. HollyS
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    by HollyS » Aug 8, 2014
    I am absolutely not helping you by saying this, but . . . that would upset me, too.

    I would need to know: did he decide on this ring ONLY because it did not cost him anything? Was that the deciding factor? I think you need to have a discussion,and both of you be completely honest with each other
     
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  3. onidracs
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    by onidracs » Aug 9, 2014
    Discuss it with him. This is a bad way to start the dedication to your lives together. I believe in being responsive to my girlfriends wants, needs, and desires. Mine won't tell me directly either. Glad I know her to were she doesn't have to tell me. He knew exactly what you wanted. This should have been a no brainer on his part. Communication is the key to solve most problems. Talk to him he should be receptive. If not well how is he going to be receptive to your wants in the future? Important thing to think about before now.
     
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  4. dawnxcui
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    by dawnxcui » Sep 3, 2014
    i would absolutely NOT back out of having my dream ring.

    this heirloom ring has no significance to you or your fiance as both of you (obviously) haven't met his great grandmother or knew of this ring's existence throughout his entire life.

    my bf and i are in the process of e-ring shopping too. and one thing that he always says to me is "this is a ring for you, it has to be something that you love not what i love".

    maybe you can take this heirloom ring and make a necklace out of it if the family is so persistent on it.

    gl with everything!
     
    


    


  5. Acl
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    by Acl » Jun 5, 2018
    My reply has more to do with relationships in general than jewelry, so feel free to skip it if that's not your thing...

    I think the three most important considerations in this situation are: honesty, honesty, honesty.

    There is no sense wondering about his motivations, talk to him and find out. And take the time to explain yours. For you it's not about the money, the ring you picked out had sentimental value already because you picked it together. You want to cherish that memory every time you see your ring (which only works if you have that ring). Perhaps he also has a personal or meaningful motivation behind wanting you to have his family ring. Perhaps not. I can't say I wouldn't give up your dream ring no matter what, but I can say I wouldn't give it up without both knowing what the other is thinking and feeling, and making the decision together, each considering the other's feelings. Either of you putting your foot down and making a decision this size unilaterally sets a bad precedent for your marriage.

    Or you could tell him if he gets to pick your ring, you get to pick his next car. I know that would be enough to back me down... Either way might work ;-)
     
  6. latte_espresso
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    by latte_espresso » Jun 6, 2018
    How important is it to wear a ring? Would you rather walk around bare handed than wear the heirloom ring?

    When discussing moissanite with my girlfriend, she said she would appreciate the ring and will say yes, however she would absolutely not wear it. So I ultimately decided to get her a diamond ring. Was my girlfriend manipulative? Definitely. But sometimes, we need to play games to get what we want. This applies for everything in life.
     
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  7. marcy
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    by marcy » Jun 6, 2018
    I would have an open and honest discussion with him. Tell him why the ring you picked out together is important to you and ask why he wants you to have his family's heirloom ring instead.
     
  8. rockhoundofficiando
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    by rockhoundofficiando » Jun 6, 2018
    Wow, I can't even imagine my husband trying to talk me into a diamond simulant for my engagement ring, never mind labeling me as "manipulative" if I declined. :knockout:
     
  9. Bron357
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    by Bron357 » Jun 6, 2018
    This is always a tricky one.
    Basically men have no idea or appreciation of how special and important a woman’s engagement ring is to the woman.
    To them it’s pretty much a totally overpriced, market hyped, non functional item that all you can do is look at it.
    And you me to spend $10,000 on it!! Are you kidding me!
    And the other problem women have is their subtlety, we are too obscure. For it to register in a mans brain you often have to stand there and say “ I do not like this ring, I do not want this ring. The only ring I want is this one” before they twig that there’s an issue with the ring selected.
    Because men tend not to value things that have no function, they don’t want to spend money on it and if there’s an “heirloom ring” offered for free, of course that’s the ring they’ll go with.
    This is actually a big issue you are having, his disregard of your desires and wants, over the first “joint venture”, the purchase of your engagement ring, is unsettling.
    You need to be having a conversation.
    Sooner rather than later.
     
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  10. cmd2014
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    by cmd2014 » Jun 6, 2018
    Given that the OP is probably long gone (having posted in 2014), I'll chip in on this one too. Wow. Saying "I'll marry you but I have to be honest in saying I won't wear something I won't like" is not being manipulative. It's being honest. It's not "playing games to get what we want" - it's being honest. Calling it manipulative or game playing only means that you are not open to hearing what she has to say. And honestly, it smacks of sexism and misogyny and efforts to shut her down because you don't like what she has to say.

    If you don't want to get her a ring, be honest about that. But don't make it about her being manipulative just because you don't value the same thing that she does. She's saving you from spending money on something that she knows she won't like. She's also saving you from doing something that will make you a bit of a joke (and make everyone she knows feel sorry for her about) if it's not something that she's on board with.
     
    


    


  11. latte_espresso
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    by latte_espresso » Jun 7, 2018
    Thanks for your input. But you missed the point.

    And while I did call my girlfriend manipulative, I don't see that as a bad trait at all. To me, it shows that's a smart individual who is capable of getting what she wants through a very strategic manner.

    From my perspective, being manipulative or playing games does not necessarily scream sexism or misogyny. Because women are not the only sole perpetrators of "being manipulative", by the time you reach to the C-suites of any organizations, it's all politics and games. As I mentioned in my post, being manipulative/playing games is part of life to get what you want. Social Darwinism at it's finest.
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2018
  12. cmd2014
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    by cmd2014 » Jun 7, 2018
    I don't think I did miss the point. Otherwise you would have used the word 'strategic,' or 'smart,' or you would have called her 'a tough negotiator' (words typically used to describe men, btw). Women with these same qualities are typically described using very different words (with manipulative being one of the top contenders).

    Manipulative is defined as underhanded or sneaky behaviour that is intended to control or influence others in an unfair or selfish manner. It also usually has a connotation of using passive-aggressive behaviour aimed at pulling for certain emotions (mainly sympathy) as a means of controlling someone (i.e., manipulative people prey on people's emotional sensitivities to get what they want). Typical synonyms include: sly, selfish, scheming, calculating, cunning, devious, conniving, Machiavellian, unscrupulous, and disingenuous. It implies someone who is doing something that is solely for their own benefit, and in psychological terms is typically seen among individuals with personality disorders (narcissism, antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and histrionic personality disorder being the top contenders).

    Men are *rarely* described as manipulative. Women almost always are. It is also almost exclusively a word that is used by men to describe women in a hostile and negative manner. Especially women who dare to ask for what they want in a direct and clear manner when men don't agree with them.

    Men are also never described as "playing games" (which is short for "playing head games" btw, which is just another way of saying that a woman is crazy, selfish, and manipulative). This term is typically used to describe a perceived scenario in which a woman is not emotionally invested in her romantic partner, and instead is just doing things deliberately to f*ck with his emotions.

    If this is not your intended description of someone that you love, you should stop using these words. This is not social Darwinism. It's sexist language and we should be clear about that. And please do not mansplain to me what is or is not sexist or misogynistic. You are simply not qualified to make that determination.

    I am in a "C-suite" of my organization (and can I just gag at that term for a second?). In fact, I own the company and probably hire people like you. And if one of my male employees used the word manipulative to describe one of my female employees in the way you used it to describe your fiance, they'd be gone. It's not cool. It doesn't make you look bad-ass or smart. It makes you look like a sexist jerk. So in this era of more and more women in executive positions, you may want to check your language so as to avoid misunderstandings that will cost you more than a random person taking exception on the internet.

    I will also tell you as someone who runs a successful business, game playing, manipulating, and politics is not "part of life to get what you want." It is also not a path to success. Truth comes out about character in the end, and people don't want to give business to people they don't like or trust. Smarm eventually becomes visible, even in those professions that pull for it. Work on being good at what you do and on having people trust you (your expertise, your character, and the fact that you can and will do whatever it is that you say that you can and will do) and you'll succeed. So a word of advice: stop running around using terms that mid-level misogynistic narcissists use in certain segments of certain industries in certain parts of the country (yours and mine), and get real at being the best person that you can be. And make it to the top of wherever you want to go.
     
  13. tkyasx78
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    by tkyasx78 » Jun 7, 2018
    Mistawow,
    Please ask your fiance read this thread. He/She would be wise to think long and hard before entering a union where motives are even one time assumed to be at the basest level and almost entirely self serving. I would be concerned if the fiance shares the same view point and believes it is a view that will truly lead to a happy life. But if they believe they must manipulate you to get even a simple gift, at least he/she should understand what he/she is walking into.

    However, We did not misunderstand your point.

    The OP is long gone. However, If I have learned something raising my 8 children over the years, love must be given to ones spouse and family without pride, without games, and with a sincere desire for ones partners happiness over ones own.

    I am a firm believer that marriage is being patient, marriage is being kind, it does not assume the worst in people, but assumes the best. Marriage is giving the other the benefit of the doubt. It does not give room for envy, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love and marriage does not delight in the others sadness but rejoices with the good. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

    If you believe your partner is to spend his/her life playing games to manipulate you, and you intend on questioning his/her motive as a form of social darwinism, it will be difficult to find long term happiness.

    I know nothing of you, or your behavior. I do not know you.

    I truly hope that what has been presented here is not representative of the future you intend to forge together with a person you plan on “ love , honor and cherish” until death parts you.

    Marriage is more than a business arrangement where it is every man for himself. Forging a life together is difficult under the even best of circumstances.

    I wish you the best as you and your partner work together to get what you ( plural ) want and never what you ( singular / individual) want over the others happiness.
     
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  14. marcy
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    by marcy » Jun 7, 2018
    Ha Ha - I missed the 2014 date on this. Glad we were able to help though. :lol:
     
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  15. cmd2014
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    by cmd2014 » Jun 7, 2018
    @tkyasx78, you are kinder than me today.

    And everything you have said about marriage is true. Marriage is hard enough when you give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and come into things with a willingness and a desire to see the best in each other, empathize and understand the other's point of view, compromise, support each other through the tough things, and forgive each other when you inevitably fail at being kind, supportive, and reasonable. It's impossible if you do not.
     
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  16. latte_espresso
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    by latte_espresso » Jun 7, 2018
    Thanks @cmd2014 and @tkyasx78 . I'll keep your notes in mind and ensure that I'll choose my words appropriately going forward.

    I apologize for my words, as I was not aware that it held such negative connotations. I 100% respect my SO, as a person and as a woman. We have been dating together for 10 years now, and I don't think we would still be together if we did not truly understand each other.
     
  17. Austina
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    by Austina » Jul 9, 2018
    YES, and I have done for the last 40 years!

    When we got married, what I could have and what I would’ve liked were 2 different things, so it was pointless having something I didn’t want and wouldn’t wear.
     
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  18. SimIGeek
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    by SimIGeek » Nov 4, 2018
    Marriage and a relationship is a lot about compromise. Maybe you can use the diamond from the heirloom ring and put it in the setting you choose together?
     
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