My dad passed away last month…..

[babs23r]

My wonderful dad passed away last month. I am devastated and can’t stop crying at work, at home. We were close and he was my rock.
I don’t know how I’ll ever get over this. My mom suffers from Alzheimer’s, and that just adds to the heartbreak.
Any ideas how to cope with this loss? I don’t think I’ll ever be the same person again.

 

[Bonfire]

I’m so sorry you lost your beloved dad @babs23r.
The loss of special loved ones changes us. I don’t think we ever “get over it.” The rawness lessens but the grief stays with us, but over time the memories will be of comfort. Your dad will always be with you. He’s apart of you. Let the tears fall freely. Over time, you will remember without the overwhelming grief you are feeling now. Allow yourself to feel the grief fully, in your own time and in your own way. Wishing you the best

 

[blingmeupscotty]

I am so sorry for your loss and what you're having to go through right now. Dad knows you're a strong girl though. You can do this!

All my best

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Oh dear @babs23r .
Im so sorry to hear about your dad (and your mom)
Grief is different for everyone
And grief has no time limit

i don't think ive ever got over lossing my dad when i was in my early 20s
but with practice and time we get better at dealing with it, at being able to carry on, at saying the things we know other people want to hear

i will say when my mom died 19 years after dad (she had had demetia for a number of years) i did feel some piece that they were then together again

But im angry that as a family we were all cheated out of quality time together, that my dad never knew bis grandkids or met his son's in laws or got to walk my sister done the isle

the worse thing is, as you get older worse or equally worse things happen

Take your time and be kind to yourself
get out, get lots of daylight, hang out with your best friend
One day it wont be as painful to remember the really good times, it will feel nice again

 

[peachster]

Your pain from the loss is part of you, but you may find over time it mellows, and you find yourself reflecting less over the loss of someone you loved and more reminiscing about what made him special or wonderful memories and experiences you had shared. I have lost a friend who was essentially a mother to me, and she is always “with“ me. She loved to cook, which I did not, and every time I make a dessert or a casserole, I recall how much she enjoyed time in the kitchen with me. She was funny and sweet and gave love to everyone, and I feel she walks with me. I don’t cry any more for her (lost her 7 years ago), and it is still a hollow inside that she is gone. But I also feel comfort from having had her in my life, and having her with me still. So sorry for your loss. Hoping you are surrounded with good people who can share the journey with you.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Group hug time

 

[Diamond Girl 21]

I'm so terribly sorry for the loss of your beloved father. Sending you healing vibes and virtual hugs.

 

[lulu_ma]

I'm so sorry for your loss! Condolences and prayers to you and your family.

 

[OneKuhlChic]

My wonderful dad passed away last month. I am devastated and can’t stop crying at work, at home. We were close and he was my rock.
I don’t know how I’ll ever get over this. My mom suffers from Alzheimer’s, and that just adds to the heartbreak.
Any ideas how to cope with this loss? I don’t think I’ll ever be the same person again.

I am so so sorry for your loss. It will take a long time for you to feel better... And you will never get over losing your Dad. But I can say with absolute certainty that rembering, sharing stories about your dad, thinking of family holidays - all of this will help you heal.

I lost my Mom over 18 yrs ago and still dream about her almost nightly. It's a protective mechanism that initially helped me to cope with her sudden loss. Over time, I was glad about dreaming of my Mom.

Take it slow, there will be days that are better than others, just know in time you will heal.

 

[Begonia]

I am so so sorry he had to go.

 

[Calliecake]

I‘m so sorry for your loss @babs23r . If anything I’m about to say isn’t helpful to you, please ignore it. This is a defining moment in your life. It’s one of the losses that does change us. It‘s difficult to adjust to life without someone who held such a special place in your heart and your life. We only get one dad and you had a wonderful one. Please give yourself time to grieve and be good to yourself because it‘s going to take time. I know this isn’t an easy journey. I lost my dad 3 months ago. Some days are really hard and it hits you in waves (that has been my experience). Please keep telling yourself that it will get easier.

Thank you for your post in this thread @Bonfire, @Daisys and Diamonds , @OneKuhlChic and @peachster.

 

[Slickk]

I’m so sorry for your tremendous loss. It will take time, and you will never be the same, but you will recover enough to feel joy again. Give yourself the time and grace to grieve.
I found/still find this helpful. Peace to you

 

[Mary Queen of Scotch]

So sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my mom last year and had (have) many of the same fears as you. She was my person, ya know? I’ll echo what’s been said by others: grief is different for everyone and has no time limit. But, for what it’s worth, a year later I’ve really felt a shift. The sad, frankly traumatic memories of her decline no longer dominate my mind. It’s now happy/pleasantly whistful thoughts that come to me most easily. I feel less, shall we say…unhinged.

Funnily enough, right here on PS @missy posted a poem that helped me a lot. Maya Angelou’s “When Great Trees Fall”. I’m not a religious person, but I also found comfort (and darn good advice) in Khalil Gibran’s “On Joy and Sorrow”, as well as this rather famous sermon:

“Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.

“Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

“Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

“Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

“Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?

“Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just round the corner.

“All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!”

—

Forgive the corniness. Sometimes — times like these — you might just need some cornball in your life.

 

[Bonfire]

@Calliecake I’m so sorry you are grieving the loss your dad too. Big hugs.

 

[margauxmines]

Sincerest condolences and a very big hug to you @babs23r. They say that grief is just love with nowhere to go. I don't necessarily believe the "nowhere" part; we can always share that love we had for our family and friends who have gone on, with those who are still with us. And most importantly, share that love with ourselves. Keeping you in my thoughts.

 

[thirdrock]

I’m so sorry for your loss. The passing of a parent is a painful experience at any age. Grieving is a process and it does take time. It’s important to allow and value your feelings whatever they may be.

I loved reading the sermon that Mary Queen of Scotch posted. As a medium, I can tell you that it is absolutely true. It’s not just wishful thinking, our loved ones really are closer than we realize. They are just not currently weighed down by physical bodies. Your dad can still hear you. He can still attend birthday parties, weddings and family reunions. He will know when new babies enter into the family and he will likely meet them before the so called “living” people do. His personality, sense of humor and memories are still intact. Our loved ones often send us signs that they are still alive and well. These signs can be hard to notice in the early stages of grief but once you are ready, they can become an undeniable glimpse into our true reality.

I say these things not to make light of your pain but in the hopes that these truths may help to ease it when you are ready.

 

[Sparkles88]

I’m so sorry for your loss, sending you big hugs xx

 

[Karl_K]

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Prayers are outgoing.

 

[Mary Queen of Scotch]

ETA more practical advice:

Don’t kick yourself for needing a good cry at work or playing hooky to drink rose and watch trashy tv (and cry some more). Self compassion — especially in the first few months! Maybe not therapist-approved advice, but it helped me and my famn damily.

I also found it helpful to call/text my mom like I usually would — just to fill her in on my day, on wedding plans, tell her a joke I recently heard or how terribly I miss her. Weird but nice, if you wanna give it a shot.

Sorry to ramble on. He sounds like a really good dad.

 

[PinkAndBlueBling]

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. Losing one parent is hard, but there's usually the other parent to help you through it. For me, the pain is always there, but it changes. I still miss my dad and get teary, and it's been over 20 years. My mom died three years ago, and I still struggle. Some days are hard. I found that talking to her friends and various family members helped a little because they validated my feelings of profound loss and shared in the love for my wonderful mom.

It does get better and it can be slow, but cry when you need to. Remember how wonderful your dad was and smile. Take the time to feel him and his love. He had to have been an incredible father for you to be grieving so deeply.

I'm sorry about your mom, too. Just remember that crying is not a sign of weakness and that we all grieve differently and have different timelines for grieving.

If your grief is unbearable and begins to interfere with your daily functioning, talking to a professional or joining a support group should help.

Sending warm hugs to you.

 

[Phoenix]

I am so sorry for your loss.

Condolences.

Thoughts and prayers are with your dad, your mum and you.

 

[Bron357]

Sending hugs, lots of hugs.
You don’t “get over it” you just day by day learn to live without him there being there physically.
He will always be with you, always.
He will be in your heart, in your memories, in your genes.
Talk out loud, tell him you love him, tell him you miss him, tell him you are so sad he has gone. Let the words and the tears come out. There’s no holding them in or holding them back.
The days will get better, slowly.
Be kind to yourself, cherish your mum and remember him even though it hurts.
If we didn’t love we wouldn’t feel grief and you would never give up that love so as to avoid the grief.
The price of love.

 

[missy]

@babs23r I am so sorry for your loss.
There are no words to take away the pain of losing a loved one.
Especially your father.
My heart goes out to you.
Allow yourself to feel the grief. There is no getting over this but in time the pain will fade. And you can feel joy again. And take joy in memories. But right now the pain is front and center. And that is OK.
He is always with you in your heart.

@Mary Queen of Scotch thank you and I am glad this poem brought you some comfort . And I hope it brings you some measure of comfort too @babs23r.


When great trees fall,

rocks on distant hills shudder,

lions hunker down

in tall grasses,

and even elephants

lumber after safety.

When great trees fall

in forests,

small things recoil into silence,

their senses

eroded beyond fear.

When great souls die,

the air around us becomes

light, rare, sterile.

We breathe, briefly.
Our eyes, briefly,

see with

a hurtful clarity.

Our memory, suddenly sharpened,

examines,

gnaws on kind words

unsaid,

promised walks

never taken.

Great souls die and

our reality, bound to

them, takes leave of us.

Our souls,

dependent upon their

nurture,

now shrink, wizened.

Our minds, formed

and informed by their

radiance,
fall away.

We are not so much maddened

as reduced to the unutterable ignorance
of
dark, cold

caves.

And when great souls die,

after a period peace blooms,

slowly and always

irregularly. Spaces fill

with a kind of

soothing electric vibration.

Our senses, restored, never

to be the same, whisper to us.

They existed. They existed.

We can be. Be and be

better. For they existed.

― Maya Angelou



I always remind myself that grief is the price we pay for great love. It makes it no less hard to bear the pain but somehow reminding myself of that allows me to heal. Sending you and your mom gentle hugs and comforting thoughts. May your father's memories bring you light and love. He is always with you in your heart. {{{{Hugs}}}}

 

[autumngems]

My wonderful dad passed away last month. I am devastated and can’t stop crying at work, at home. We were close and he was my rock.
I don’t know how I’ll ever get over this. My mom suffers from Alzheimer’s, and that just adds to the heartbreak.
Any ideas how to cope with this loss? I don’t think I’ll ever be the same person again.

I am so sorry, I pray for you and your family

 

[babs23r]

So sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my mom last year and had (have) many of the same fears as you. She was my person, ya know? I’ll echo what’s been said by others: grief is different for everyone and has no time limit. But, for what it’s worth, a year later I’ve really felt a shift. The sad, frankly traumatic memories of her decline no longer dominate my mind. It’s now happy/pleasantly whistful thoughts that come to me most easily. I feel less, shall we say…unhinged.

Funnily enough, right here on PS @missy posted a poem that helped me a lot. Maya Angelou’s “When Great Trees Fall”. I’m not a religious person, but I also found comfort (and darn good advice) in Khalil Gibran’s “On Joy and Sorrow”, as well as this rather famous sermon:

“Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.

“Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

“Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

“Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

“Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?

“Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just round the corner.

“All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!”

—

Forgive the corniness. Sometimes — times like these — you might just need some cornball in your life.

 

[babs23r]

Omg. I am crying my eyes out. Thank you for that amazing poem.

 

[babs23r]

Thank you all for your inspiring words. As I sit Here in bed crying, I will reflect upon them. This is so hard. The void is so great. May god bless all of you.

 

[diamondyes]

Your feelings right now are normal. I am so sorry for your loss. Journaling helped me. I made a memory book of special memories I never wanted to forget.

I think… it is heart-achingly painful to grieve. It is the price we pay for love. You will have easier days one day. But it’s ok to have hard ones. Hang in there.

 

[victoriangurl96]

No advice. Just so sorry for your loss, @babs23r.

 

[MamaBear]

Im so sorry for your loss.