Home My boyfriend''s children and their Mom

[Erin]

I''m sorry to come here and whine, but I don''t have any IRL friends who have shared an experience like this that can give me advice. Do any of you have experience with dating someone who has children?

I''m 33, no children and never married. My boyfriend is 39, two boys 6 and 9, and has been divorced two years - not living with the family for over three.

We dated for a year before I was ever introduced to his children. Even now I only see them twice a month and usually it''s to have dinner and just hang out for a few hours. Once we went to a MLB ballgame. When they''re around me they''re fine. Not having children the only way I can relate to them is to be their friend. We squirt each other with water, the little one chases me with something I pretend to be afraid of. The older one is more reserved with me but we still laugh and (don''t take this the wrong way) but he finally touches me, as in will sit next to me or put something in my hands. I''m not around them a lot but we''re taking it slow.

Well my only rationale for their Mom''s behavior is that she feels threatened. That and the fact she ''claims'' to want him back. Anyway, she will tell my boyfriend over the phone that the boys don''t like me. The little one didn''t like it that I left a birthday present for him with his Dad. Once she asked them, what would you do if I told you that Daddy has a girlfriend? The older replied, I would hate him and never go there again. I know they are being loyal to their Mom but I wonder how much is their own feelings or how they are being directed to feel. They are supposedly uncomfortable talking to Dad about this so they only tell Mom. It is completely within her personality to sway the kids'' opinion of me.

At the ages of 6 and 9 I am finding it hard to believe that they don''t like me All on their own. We get along fine when I''m there and then once they go back to Mom''s house, she says they hate it when I''m there. I am a kind and thoughtful person and am completely aware not to force myself on them or try too hard. I just follow their lead so I know they''ll be comfortable.

I know the boys just want to spend time with their Dad and couldn''t care less if I''m there which is why I only see them for a few hours a month. But if he and I are going to start talking about how to add me to their family, how in the world do we do this when their Mom discourages any approval of me? I fear if we can''t figure this out we may be on the path to nowhere - not knowing what to do.

Thank you for any advice you may have for me or him

 

[Italiahaircolor]

First of all, kudos to you for being so level headed and mature about this...not going off the handle and flipping out on their mother, or any nonesense like that.

Although I personally have no children, I do have nieces and nephews and many of my friends have children of their own and kids tend to be pretty smart when it comes their parents. The 9 year old is probably very aware of his Mothers feelings about you and their father--essentially, she may not be as mature about the situation and her feelings as you are...which is why, even if he adores you when shes not around, he probably feels like he has to side with his Mom. Mom may also be the type to egg a response out of them...pushing them towards saying things like "I hate her" in reference to you or other nonsense. I would judge your relationship with those children on the time you spend with them. They are not babies, and clearly have feelings of their own---if, around you, they are warm and seem to be having fun...trust that. Mom clearly wants to burn bridges and start fights, but do not give her permission to influence how you feel.

But, in order to spare yourself any further upset, I would strongly suggest speaking with your boyfriend. Tell him how it makes you feel to hear these nasty little things, and let him know that this is something you''re not okay with. Let him know you understand the dynamics of the family, and respect that it will take time to fully navigate your way into a step mother position...but your feelings are being hurt for no reason because you''ve done the best you know how to do. The let your him deal with Mom. If Mom ends up needing a good "telling off" let him be the one to do it. When it comes to the kids, its best you leave the hashing out to them. Now, believe me--if your relationship moves forward into marriage, you''ll have many an opportunity to tell Mom like it is.

In my opinion, for what its worth, you seem to be doing everything right. Big hugs and lots of good wishes are being sent your way.

 

[purrfectpear]

There are two kinds of step kids, the ones who think it''s great having two households and two sets of people to hang with, and the ones who no matter how unrealistic, will always want their parents back together.

It''s quite possible that they "hate" you on their own without any prompting from mommy. They don''t really hate YOU, they hate what you represent...the obstacle to their childish wishes to have their parents reunited. They might like you for the person you are when they are with you, but the thought of daddy marrying you could send them in a tizzy.

It''s just one of those fairly common reactions from kids. Eventually they''ll deal after seeing you aren''t going anywhere, their dad is happy, and you don''t react badly to them or any moods they might have.

If the mom hasn''t moved on emotionally, she might be fueling their dream of a reconciliation too.

The only advice I can give you is to let it roll off your back. They''re little kids and they aren''t actually rejecting who you are, they''re just having issues with the fact that you exist, period.

 

[Sabine]

I''m sorry she''s putting you in such a tough spot! I know you said that the ex says that the kids will only open up to her, but I think your bf should try to talk to his kids (without you) about how they are feeling. If they won''t open up to him, or even seem like they are saying things they don''t mean, I would even suggest the possibility of taking them to a child psychologist. Dealing with parents splitting up can be difficult, and it seems like the kids are either hiding their feelings about how they feel when they are around you as the ex claims, which is unhealthy because they need to come to terms that their parents are not getting back together, or they are being manipulated by their mother, which could be terribly stressful to them (and I fully think they are old enough to sense what she is doing). Good luck with this difficult situation.