My assumptions were correct, people are nuts!

[Nov2109]

I was finally over how rude people were being and was back to enjoying doing all of the last minute details. FI and I were sitting on the floor assembling favors and watching a movie and my phone rings. Its my aunt...whom I have always been very close with, so I thought we''d be having a nice talk! Boy was I wrong.

She starts the conversation of like this:

Aunt: Hi Nov, I need to talk to you about the wedding. ( I didn''t get a hi, how are you, nothing!)

Me: Sure, whats up? (me thinking she had a general question, hoping for the best)

Aunt: I find it extremely rude that you did not invite your cousin with a date. (she has 3 sons)

Me: I did invite "Bob" and "Will" with guests, are you talking about "Mike"?

Aunt: Yes.

Me: Oh, well "Mike" is single, and we really can only afford to invite people with significant others/spouses because of our budget, if he has a girlfriend I wasn''t aware of then I''m sorry, he can bring her.

Aunt: You know very well he doesn''t have a girlfriend, I just think its very mean and rude that you didn''t invite him with a guest but you invited his brothers with their wives/girlfriends. (should i have not invited my cousins wife? lol or the others girlfriend who he has been with for 3.5 years and will probably be proposing to soon?)

Me: I''m really sorry but we needed to be able to include as many family and friends as we could, and inviting people with guests just isn''t in our budget.

Aunt: I never thought you would be this disrespectful of your cousin''s feelings, he is not a child! (my cousin is 28, I haven''t seen him in 5 years, he didn''t come to my college graduation party, FIs 30th birthday etc. Talk about disrespect hah!)

Me: (finally not being able to take it anymore) I''m sorry you feel that way, but I think you need to think about the conversation that you just had with me and realize who is being rude and acting like a child. This is our wedding, and I''m sorry if he can''t come to the wedding and have a good time without a date but we do not have an unlimited budget and this is how it is.

Aunt: Then maybe none of us will come.

Me: That is your decision, but this will only reflect poorly on you. Your son is not the only adult that was not invited with a guest. All of the other cousins who are single were not invited with guests, and many other family members and friends who are all adults are coming solo as well.

Aunt: He is different, I thought he was your favorite. (WHAT THE ?????)

Me: I dont have favorites of anything other than ice cream. You can let me know on the response cards of what you are going to do. I hope to see all of you at the wedding. If not, I''ll understand. I need to go, I have things to take care of.

Aunt: Click.

I got off the phone and FI was sitting there with this WTF just happened look. She sent my mom a nasty email this morning and my mom said the same thing...I guarantee my cousin doesn''t even know this conversation took place. He could probably careless about any of it!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Wow! wow wow wow wow wow!!!!!!!

Sorry thats all i could say for a minute!!

Wow some people really are incredible aren''t they? I think that you totally did the right thing by sticking up for yourself!!! I''m sorry that your aunty got so pushy, just remember that she is at fault, not you.

 

[legallyspoiled]

Oh boy. This is precisely why I am not looking forward to planning a wedding.

Hats off to you. You handled that situation extremely well. I know that I will likely end up in the exact same predicament that you are in regarding the plus ones.

I need to take notes on your responses for when I have to cross that bridge.

 

[House Cat]

I''m so sorry.

It is amazing how people get with weddings. Do they not realize how much we pay PER HEAD for these events?

You stood up for yourself well. Your aunt, on the other hand, displayed very poor behavior.

 

[monkeyprincess]

Your wedding planning has certainly been more drama-filled than mine. I''m sorry you are having so many conflicts with family and friends. I guess I''m lucky in that regard. It is certainly surprising how many people have confronted you about your guest list. I can understand someone asking if it would be okay, but I do not understand not taking no for an answer. I understand budgetary concerns because my fiance and I are paying for our wedding ourselves, but I will say, that I am giving each single adult on my guest list the option of bringing a guest, because I would want them to do the same for me.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Good for you for sticking to your guns! I am so sick of family members telling us what to do and how we are an epic embarrassment because how we have chosen to celebrate our wedding! I hope your cousin comes despite his mother and she just stays at home and sulks!

 

[caribqueen]

Oh my goodness!! I''m glad you stuck up for yourself.

I feel your pain!

 

[Nov2109]

I have finally gotten to the point where I just dont care anymore what problems people have with this wedding. I can''t even believe how much drama has surrounded the wedding. Its a celebration for crying out loud! Just be happy and enjoy the day with us!

I am not going to let anyone ruin our day or any of the planning process anymore. You dont like what I''m doing, I dont care! Its our wedding, you can do with yours what you would like! After I got off the phone with her I went right back to my movie and favors. FI thought I was possessed because I wasn''t upset or even wanting to talk about it. It was very funny. He kept asking "whats wrong with you" and I kept looking at him laughing saying nothing, I''m fine, watch the movie! He just thought it was strange that I had no reaction! I dont blame him for thinking that way, I used to get very upset with stuff like this and would usually wind up dwelling over it for days on what I should do, now its just not worth it. Its my life, my wedding and my money. If you cant just be happy for me that I am getting married and come and celebrate, than dont come at all. I don''t like scenarios with conditions on them.

 

[RaiKai]

That is a lot more drama than we had, that is for sure! Yuck!

There were tons of family members we did not even invite (we both have large families...and only had sixteen guests which included friends too). Even our bio fathers and some of our siblings were not invited (whereas a cousin, friend, etc was). Never mind "plus ones"! No one ever complained (indeed we were often told we had the right idea!). Anytime a peep of drama came up...a firm "this is OUR wedding" shut it all up quite quickly!

Your Aunt is way out of line. I can see her concern if you have said "plus one" for everyone whether they had a steady partner or not except for your cousin....but that is not the case. She said herself he does not have a partner.

Besides, this is NOT between your Aunt and you and your fiance. This is between your cousin and you and your fiance ONLY. If cousin had an issue, he could talk to you. Aunt needs to stay out of it. If that means she does not want to come to the wedding...that is her own crap to deal with. If she tries this again...I would be pretty clear that it is NOT between her and you, it is between your cousin and you only.

 

[Haven]

Holy craziness!

I''m sorry that happened, Nov. You''re absolutely within your right to only invite people with significant others, and I''m sorry your aunt doesn''t understand this.

We did the same thing, but not because of budget issues--I just didn''t feel the need to give people free reign over who to bring to our wedding, which is what happens when you invite "and guest". The people whom we love enough to invite to our wedding all love us enough to managed to show up and spend the day with our other loved ones whether or not they were part of a couple.

We didn''t have anything this crazy happen, but I did have a very distant cousin of my father''s call to complain that we hadn''t invited their daughter to the wedding. Now, these are people I wouldn''t know if they showed up on my doorstep, but my father insisted that *all* of his cousins be invited to the wedding, which added around 30 guests. We only invited the cousins of my father''s generation and none of their grown children, as *my father* had a relationship with all of the adults when they were children, but I haven''t really known any of their offspring at all. Sure enough, this one cousin called and said "If our daughter isn''t invited we''re not sure we''ll be able to make it. We don''t want to leave her home alone." Ummm--she was 26 at the time of our wedding. I was pretty sure she''d be able to manage one night on her own.

And of course, they *did* show up, so they made themselves look awful for no reason at all.

 

[PumpkinPie]

wow - your aunt is out of line for sure. It sounds like you did a great job of handling the conversation though -I do love the line about you not having favourites except for ice cream

 

[sba771]

WOW, but you handled yourself beautifully!! I would have been flustered.

 

[monkeyprincess]

Obviously, your guest list is completely your decision. I think if you are inviting a lot of single friends that know each other, it is not inconsiderate at all to not permit single people to bring dates. Likewise, if it is a relative who will know many other relatives there, it is not inconsiderate at all to ask them to come solo. The reason I am allowing my single guests to bring dates is because we are having a relatively small wedding with mainly family and then a scattering of friends we know from different circles and times in our lives. I want those friends that are single to feel comfortable and make sure they have someone they know well to sit with at dinner, etc., because several of them will not know many people at the wedding.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 4/22/2010 11:25:41 AM
Author: Haven
We didn''t have anything this crazy happen, but I did have a very distant cousin of my father''s call to complain that we hadn''t invited their daughter to the wedding. Now, these are people I wouldn''t know if they showed up on my doorstep, but my father insisted that *all* of his cousins be invited to the wedding, which added around 30 guests. We only invited the cousins of my father''s generation and none of their grown children, as *my father* had a relationship with all of the adults when they were children, but I haven''t really known any of their offspring at all. Sure enough, this one cousin called and said ''If our daughter isn''t invited we''re not sure we''ll be able to make it. We don''t want to leave her home alone.'' Ummm--she was 26 at the time of our wedding. I was pretty sure she''d be able to manage one night on her own.

WTF?

Some people are really crazy! (No offense to your family, Haven!)

Nov, I think you handled that situation really gracefully. You shouldn''t fold to peoples nagging, you should follow through with what you and your FI want for your wedding.

I hope there''s less drama in store for you .. btw, when is your wedding?

 

[Nov2109]

thanks everyone! I wasn''t completely sure if I was too rude with the way I handled it, but I''m pretty sure I could have cursed her off and she would still look worse!

Usually I back down in situations like this...I''m a people pleaser, but that has come back to bite me far too many times with this wedding so I stopped doing it, along with many other things and I''m MUCH happier! I know my aunt pretty well, she is VERY pushy, she is always fighting with someone, but I have never been the recipient of her wrath until now. I know every response I had got under her skin more because I refused to play into her drama.

When she said I thought he was your favorite, I probably didn''t say anything for 30 seconds...i just kept repeating that in my head and the only thing that popped into my head was I don''t have a favorite anything other than ice cream! haha

For someone to not want to leave their 26 year old daughter home alone, ridiculous! Wow. I wonder if they take her to bars and out on dates too!

Lilyfoot...June 5!. its way to close for me to care about any of the "drama" at this point. I''m really looking forward to the day and spending it with the people who are genuinely happy for us and just want to be there with us to celebrate, luckily we still have a ton of people, families/friends who are ecstatic for us! Then its off to a gorgeous island where none of these crazy people can bother me anymore!!

I would just be mortified and embarrassed if I acted like these people who have been so rude about the +1s.

Monkeyprincess...I agree if you can invite people with a +1 there is nothing wrong with it. I wanted a 40 person wedding, we''re at about 150 yes''s right now. If i had invited everyone with +1s we would be approaching 200! I feel that weddings are very intimate and personal, but FI wanted a big wedding. We made a bunch of compromises so we both have elements that we are happy with. He now wishes we had the 40 person wedding!

 

[monkeyprincess]

I hear you Nov. You do have to make some compromises and set limits. We will probably be inviting around 160 people when all is said and done. We''re expecting far fewer guests than that because the wedding is on a Friday, and aside from my immediate family, everyone is from out of town, including my fiance and me. A few of my female cousins will be very pregnant at that time and unable to travel, and I''m guessing others simply will not want to make the trip. Sadly, every time I get confirmation someone won''t be able to make it, I''m secretly relieved. I''m hoping we''ll have less than 100 people at the wedding. My fiance would have been happy with 15 or 20 people.

 

[nkarma]

Date: 4/22/2010 2:16:14 PM
Author: monkeyprincess
I hear you Nov. You do have to make some compromises and set limits. We will probably be inviting around 160 people when all is said and done. We''re expecting far fewer guests than that because the wedding is on a Friday, and aside from my immediate family, everyone is from out of town, including my fiance and me. A few of my female cousins will be very pregnant at that time and unable to travel, and I''m guessing others simply will not want to make the trip. Sadly, every time I get confirmation someone won''t be able to make it, I''m secretly relieved. I''m hoping we''ll have less than 100 people at the wedding. My fiance would have been happy with 15 or 20 people.

Sorry for the threadjack...but I wouldn''t go in assuming people can''t make it. We did that for DW wedding and are now having almost 50% more guests than what we expected. We just thought it was far and costs money and a lot of people wouldn''t make it, we were wrong. Still going to be fun and slightly larger than I wanted but they are still close family and friends.

 

[monkeyprincess]

Thanks for the warning Karma. The thing is, we''re getting married in my hometown, which is in a small state, and the nearest major hub is three hours away, so it costs a lot of money to fly into my hometown. For the people who live where my fiance and I live, it is a six hour drive on a Friday. Also it is not exactly a desirable vacation spot - somewhat the butt of jokes, even though it is a perfectly lovely place to live and people are always surprised when they actually visit it. Maybe because yours is a destination wedding, more people are thinking of it as a vacation opportunity? Based on the responses we''ve been getting, I think we''re being pretty realistic in our expectations. The good news is that even if everybody somehow makes it, we''ll manage.

 

[Clairitek]

I think you handled it well. I bet this aunt shows up at the wedding and her single son, too! She will realize the error of her ways, I hope.

 

[jcarlylew]

WOW.
Nov, you are my hero! I know what you mean, about worrying to sound rude. But, it comes a point in time where some people just need to be cut back into place. And you should never have to apologize for it!
I am glad your mom had your back!

 

[chemgirl]

Wow, that is horrible.

I bet your cousin has no idea any of this is going on. This exact same thing happened at my aunt''s wedding. My cousin (the niece of the bride), who was in highschool at the time, was not allowed to bring a date. Her mother made such a fuss about it that their branch of the family didn''t go to the wedding. My cousin was horrified. She understood perfectly well that people in commited relationships were invited with +one, but 16 year olds without a serious boyfriend were not. Not to mention that the wedding was out of town, so they''d have to bring a 16 year old boy with them...awkward.

Anyway, I think the blame rests entirely on your aunt and has nothing to do with your cousin (which you already know).

 

[CasaBlanca]

WOW...the way your handled that call, well, Nov...you ROCK!

Speaking of rock, a 5 gallon tub of Rocky Road is on the way. Not sure if that is your fav so, butter pecan, mint chocolate chip, chunky cappuccino chocolate and something called funky monkey

.

Surely you can find that a spoon and chunky funky monkey will make it all better.

We normally dust situations, but this calls for ICECREAM!

did I mention, You ROCK?

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Nov, i just wanted to check in to see how you are feeling about it now that some time has and passed and to tell you that i still think you handled the whole thing so well and as someone else pointed out ''you''re my hero!!''

 

[monarch64]

Yeah, that is pretty dramatic and crazy of your aunt. It''s too bad she felt the need to take issue with it and embarrassed herself and your cousin by doing so. I kind of see where she''s coming from but not really, and it''s not her wedding. I wonder how she''d feel if it was your cousin getting married and she was paying for his wedding? I bet she wouldn''t think anything of not inviting the plus ones of his friends.

One of my cousins came to my wedding with a girl he''d been dating for maybe 6 months. She caught the bouquet, and was in a bunch of family pictures, so she was everywhere in our wedding album and it was kind of a bummer after the fact because she turned out to be a total drunk (cutest girl ever, though) and the relationship didn''t last much longer. My ex, conversely, had a cousin who was in our wedding party and his long time girlfriend and he parted ways shortly after our wedding as well, and she was also in a ton of family pics. You never know. But I''m telling you this because I don''t think you''re wrong not to invite someone "and guest." At the end of the day you have to look at the pictures and it is your wedding, not theirs.

Good luck with everything else. I hope you have smooth sailing ahead!

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Wow, she is rude!!!

But you handled it very well.

I have had issues, but nothing like that. But my FI made it very clear to his mother we were having a small wedding, and that we were both making huge sacrifices to keep the list short and that she needed to do the same. So far, no one has asked us about "guests" ect. But the invites have not gone out yet...

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 4/22/2010 9:09:54 PM
Author: monarch64
Yeah, that is pretty dramatic and crazy of your aunt. It''s too bad she felt the need to take issue with it and embarrassed herself and your cousin by doing so. I kind of see where she''s coming from but not really, and it''s not her wedding. I wonder how she''d feel if it was your cousin getting married and she was paying for his wedding? I bet she wouldn''t think anything of not inviting the plus ones of his friends.

One of my cousins came to my wedding with a girl he''d been dating for maybe 6 months. She caught the bouquet, and was in a bunch of family pictures, so she was everywhere in our wedding album and it was kind of a bummer after the fact because she turned out to be a total drunk (cutest girl ever, though) and the relationship didn''t last much longer. My ex, conversely, had a cousin who was in our wedding party and his long time girlfriend and he parted ways shortly after our wedding as well, and she was also in a ton of family pics. You never know. But I''m telling you this because I don''t think you''re wrong not to invite someone ''and guest.'' At the end of the day you have to look at the pictures and it is your wedding, not theirs.

Good luck with everything else. I hope you have smooth sailing ahead!

We invited one of hubbys friends with his new (maybe 6 months?) girlfriend to the wedding. They broke up about a month before the wedding so he RSVPed on his own. About 4 days befroe the wedding they got back together and he called to ask if she could still come. We said yes as 1 more wasn''t going to make much difference and we hadn''t given the final number for the reception yet.
They came to the wedding and had a ball............................................... and broke up again a week after!!!!!

Hubby wants to give his friend a bill for $100 (as a joke) the next time we see him!!

 

[ArtistJess]

"Me: I dont have favorites of anything other than ice cream."

LOLOLOLOL

What a ridiculous conversation. And you are right, your cousin probably doesn''t care at all.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

You have some serious cojones, and your aunt seems to have gone mad.

Kudos to you for standing your ground and telling your aunt ''what''s up''.

Hope it all works out in the end & everyone can make-nice.

 

[Natylad]

Nov, i totally understand where you''re coming from...My wedding is scheduled for the 28th of May. I have invited more people than i initially wanted, in order to avoid upsetting my parents. Alright...so far so good...So i invited my aunt and her husband, i invited her son and her daughter with her husband and then she called my mother and she said that they''ll be bringing her daughter''s two children, who are eight and four years old, when i have made it pretty clear that no children are allowed to my wedding, period... When my mother told her that this is out of the question, she blackmailed her by saying that if you don''t accept the children at the wedding, then none of us will come...
HOW RUDE IS THIS??? I can''t believe all those crazy aunts who don''t show the slightest respect towards people''s feelings and...badget...We''re paying 180 dollars per person and everybody knows that the place we''re having the wedding reception is extremely expensive. They also know that the reception is going to be very formal and the children don''t fit in the whole atmosphere...Nevertheless, they dare accuse us of being impolite and rude...That''s CRAZY...
I used to hear stories in the past of how weddings take out the worse in people and cause a lot of drama but i never suspected that such things would be happening to me...Honestly, i''m very upset and i wonder if i want such people at my wedding, even if they finally come without the chidren...

Nov, i''m very proud of you for the way you handled that irrational aunt of yours...have a great time at your wedding and just ignore people''s insanity...

 

[Nov2109]

Hi everyone! I''m doing just fine. My aunt is apparently having a hissy fit over this. She called my grandfather...which was probably not a good idea. My grandfather is a very no drama, no bs kind of guy. The fact that she called my 84 year old grandfather about this is ridiculous. He told her she was wrong, and being extremely rude and she should be embarrassed of herself. He said I don''t know what this wedding costs but we both know weddings are expensive, why would you want to cause your niece any extra cost so your son can have a date? He also threw in, maybe if he could find one this wouldn''t be an issue. HA! You get what you ask for. (for the record my cousin is a very nice guy, a lawyer, successful, just has never done well with girls, no idea why, but grandfather was making a point, unfortunately at my cousins expense, but I really think if my cousin knew what was going on he would be mortified and get a kick out of what my grandfather said to his mom, shes a difficult woman!)

I hope her tempter tantrum ends soon and she gets over it and comes to the wedding...if not, I''ll have a good old time anyway and then she can regret missing her nieces wedding...you can''t go back and have a re-do with this one.

I honestly just dont care what people do anymore, their selfish actions are not going to affect my life anymore...Yesterday I was finishing menus and the last of the favors, went out to dinner for FIs birthday, and ate some cake! I should have known I wouldn''t have an easy wedding, my family can''t even get through Christmas dinner without someone storming out. I''m pretty sure at least half of them are certifiably insane.

Families are great aren''t they?