Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 months!?

[HopeDream]

Hi Fellow BIWs,

Today I recieved an email from my aunt asking me to consider having my wedding this year instead of next year due to my grandmother's declining mental state. We had planned to wed in June 2012, so this is a huge curve-ball in terms of timing, planning etc.

My grandmother is a wonderful woman, but has been slowly losing her memory and declining over the last couple of years. More recently her decline has become more rapid, and It's clear to me that she has limited lucid time left.

I'm open to moving the wedding up, but I have no money (University graduate, but stuck in part time minimum wage situation due to poor economy- just barely making rent). FI has a pretty good job, but huge debt, so taking on more debt is a bad idea. I realy don't want to ask my family for money (Ugh! so much baggage and drama!) but I don't know how I'm going to make this work.

We want to invite about 127 people (I'm sure not everyone will come). I was thinking of renting a tent, chairs and tables and having it in my grandmother's backyard (as low budget as possible) but it still looks like it will cost at least 5-7k.

What would you do ?

 

[sillyberry]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

This is definitely a tough call - I'm sorry you have to make this decision. I think you're going to have to really figure out your priorities and go with your gut on what will make you and your FI, as well as your families, the happiest.

If the goal is to get married with a fairly large number of guests, and you want your grandmother to be there, and to not spend much money doing that, you might just have to really pare back on what you do. Afternoon ceremony followed by a backyard reception with cake, punch, and maybe a sparkling wine toast if you can swing it (a perfectly nice case of prosecco will run under $200, and you would need two). You wouldn't need many tables or chairs (just enough for any guests who can't stand and mingle for a few hours, plus a few spares) or a full meal. Just the people you love celebrating your wedding and future together. I honestly think you could pull this off for much less than $5-7k, and I'm happy to help run more specific numbers if it would help you (just let me know a general location so I can look at rental costs), but it might not conform with the idea of "wedding" you have in your head.

At the same time, I don't think you're a bad person if you want to wait and save and have a bit more of a traditional wedding as you had planned. I hope you didn't feel pressured by your aunt.

Did you mention your money concerns to your aunt? If so, did she have any response?

ETA: I don't know if you've seen it, but check out $2000 Wedding.

 

[Clairitek]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

If you've never seen it before, check out the wedding of the people who run Younghouselove.com. They did an amazing job on a really modest budget (though their guest list was 1/2 of yours). It should be great for some ideas on maximizing your budget.

If I were in your shoes, I would move up the wedding. I had my (now deceased) grandfather at our wedding (which, now that I think about it, had we done the wedding when we originally had planned in 10/10 or so he would not have made it) and it was wonderful.

 

[HopeDream]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

Hi Sillyberry! I know the costs sound high, but it's all the little stuff that adds up.

I have been running the numbers, and looked into rental costs in the area (BC Sunshine Coast near Seachelt/Gibsons), which is where I'm getting the 5-7k from.

Theme - Morning garden wedding with buffet lunch. Location - Granny's backyard near the duck pond

Rentals:
Tent to cover 120 people with set-up( My granny lives on the coast where it rains) $1200
17 tables @ $8/table $136
127chairs @$2.50/chair $318
17 table cloths @$7/tablecloths $119 ( maybe cheaper on ebay?)
Toilet rental ( granny is on septic which is dodgey at the best of time) $400 for two stalls (may need to rent 4 stalls)

Bought Items:
Food and drink for 127 people (Order Chinese and Greek take-out and set-up a buffet, have soft drinks and boxed wine)
(Estimating $15/person) $1905
Paper plates, plastic cutlery, napkins and cups for 127 people $100ish (Estimated)
Wedding licence $100
Officiant $200 (priest is a family friend, but we wouldn't dream of not providing an honorarium)

sub total so far $4478

14% tax on everything $627

Subtotal with tax $5104.92

Not accounted for:
Wedding dress and shoes($200?), wedding rings ($1000?), flowers ($200?) invites and thank you cards ($150?), Gifts for maid of honor/best man ($50?) Hair/makeup ($100?) Photographer ($200-500?) Table centers ($25?) Wedding favours ($130?) Cake ($100?)

no DJ, no fancy rentals, no fancy decorations, no swans.

estimated total $2455 ($2798.7 with 14% tax)

Am I forgetting anything?

This is as bare-bones as I can imagine. Having all the guests stand isn't really an option, and we must feed people. If I can find a restaurant to host the event that will cost less than the tent, chairs, tables, and toilets. I'd be happy to get married at a restaurant.

If anyone can think of a cheaper venue in Vancouver, that would work too.

My grandmother would offer to pay for part, but I don't want to open that can of worms! (There is Huge strife and Baggage surrounding money on that side of the family - it's very ugly.)

 

[HopeDream]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

Hi Clairitek,

I really enjoyed the Onehouselove website. ( I liked the $2000 wedding website too Sillyberry).

I've been thinking that moving up the wedding is probably the best option, it's just not a great time financialy. I realy don't want to regret not having my grandmother at my wedding.

My family isn't very "hands on" or helpful, so all the preparation including food, decorating etc. would fall on FI and I. This somewhat limits my DIY options.

Oh...and I hope to start an accounting diploma in May, so a June wedding would be in the middle of all that .

 

[Amys Bling]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

If having your grandmother present is more important than your 'ideal" wedding and avoiding debt right now... (if it's not- no judgement! Taking on more and more debt is NOT an easy thing to swallow)- what about doing a small family only ceremony and dinner now and then do a nice "renewal of vows" and do what you dreamed of on the one year anniversary of the first small wedding?

a thought...

 

[HopeDream]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

Hi Amy's bling, - Small wedding and then larger vow renewal ? That's a good idea (Although I don't really know anyone in real life who's done a vow renewal), I'll keep it in mind for a plan B.

FI has a strong network of childhood friends that all stil keep in close contact despite most of them not living in his hometown. 2 years ago, one couple in the group ended up holding a small destination wedding quite suddenly, and none of the other friends (including the groom's brother!) were able to come, which lead to bitterness in the group. It's very important to FI that his friends are able to attend our wedding, so I'm not sure how a small wedding, with later vow renewal, would go over.

My aunts live beside my grandmother and so would be invited to attend, but If we're inviting some aunts and uncles, then we have to invite all the aunts and uncles (or fights will start).

To be honest I'm feeling quite blind-sided about this turn of events!

Maybe I'll do sandwiches instead of takeout ? (I realy don't want my guests to feel like I'm being cheap, despite my lack of money)

 

[sillyberry]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

Hi Sillyberry! I know the costs sound high, but it's all the little stuff that adds up.

::snip::

This is as bare-bones as I can imagine. Having all the guests stand isn't really an option, and we must feed people. If I can find a restaurant to host the event that will cost less than the tent, chairs, tables, and toilets. I'd be happy to get married at a restaurant

Oh, I'm well aware that little stuff adds up - it's a shock to me every single day! I guess my point is just that you don't *have* to do those things. If you schedule your ceremony and reception after lunch but before dinner, you don't need to feed people with a meal. You don't have to have tables for everyone to sit the whole time (I've been to lots of cocktail parties in my time where there is minimal seating). You don't need to have your hair and makeup done, you don't need to give out favors. Those things are all nice and wonderful, but don't necessarily coincide with your competing goals of (1) having your grandmother at your wedding and (2) paying for it yourself without going into debt.

I completely understand your desire to have something more traditional (I would be hypocritical otherwise, since our wedding will fall into that category) and that you can't imagine doing something "lesser". But in your first post you seemed to indicate that you don't have $5-7k to spend even on your barebones vision. The (sadly harsh) reality is that you have to change your vision, whether by cutting the guest list or eliminating the things that really jack up the cost. That doesn't mean that you can't have something intimate and wonderful and charming and full of memorable details.

In my experience the people who love and care about you will want to see you get married and generally are exceptionally understanding of financial limitations.

Good luck to you. I'm sure your grandmother will appreciate seeing you get married and begin the next chapter of your life!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

I feel like you need to think outside of the box a bit in order to have your large guest list and keep the costs to a minimum.

Have you considered a simple ceremony followed by a morning or afternoon tea? You would only need a few tables and chairs for the older guests and everyone else could stand or you could have picnic rugs on the ground for people to sit on.

Since your Aunt is requesting that you bring the date forward perhaps you could enlist her help with catering? If you get a few family members together to help with making sandwiches, baking muffins and heating things in the oven that would help keep the catering costs down.

I have been to a wedding where every member of the church bought a plate along for an afternoon supper after the ceremony and there was an absolute feast! Maybe you could consider something like that?

A large wedding on a small budget is hard but it can be done. You just need to get a little creative with the ideas.

 

[charbie]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

You could also do a really nice tapas or appetizer menu on the cheap...remember even if you have a buffet someone needs to man it, clear dishes, etc. Or do a brunch....breakfast food (mini quiche, bfast meats, fruit) can be really classy....its what my sister did and it was wonderful. Another option would be a late evening with "champagne and desserts" both of which are items you can get at a bluk foods store. If you make people aware that a cocktail or light appetizer menu is what's being served, no one can complain they didn't know there wasn't a sit down meal.

 

[vc10um]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

HD, I think you need to sit down and figure out what you will realistically be able to spend on your wedding. Then, make a list of what is important for YOU and your FI to have at your wedding. Not your aunt. Not your parents. Not your grandmother. What is important for the two of you. And be honest with yourself! In 20 years, would you be more upset that your grandmother wasn't able to make the wedding, or that you didn't have the wedding of your dreams?

Then, rank those things.

If, for example, having your grandmother there and having all of your friends attend are the two most important things, and you don't want to go over budget, then you need to be creative with food and space. I like HOT's idea of a tea: serve cocktail sandwiches, mini pigs in a blanket, scones, muffins, cupcakes, cookies, dessert bars, etc.

If having your grandmother there and feeding everyone a full meal are the two most important things, then you might need to consider adjusting your guest list to accommodate the lowest per-person cost that you can accommodate.

If having the wedding of your dreams is more important (and if so, we're not here to judge), then we'll figure out how to help you tell your family that you will be waiting until next year to marry as originally planned.

But do not get bullied and pushed around by your family. There are valid points on both sides of the argument and only you can decide what is right for you and your FI.

 

[Amys Bling]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

I feel like you need to think outside of the box a bit in order to have your large guest list and keep the costs to a minimum.

Have you considered a simple ceremony followed by a morning or afternoon tea? You would only need a few tables and chairs for the older guests and everyone else could stand or you could have picnic rugs on the ground for people to sit on.

Since your Aunt is requesting that you bring the date forward perhaps you could enlist her help with catering? If you get a few family members together to help with making sandwiches, baking muffins and heating things in the oven that would help keep the catering costs down.

I have been to a wedding where every member of the church bought a plate along for an afternoon supper after the ceremony and there was an absolute feast! Maybe you could consider something like that?

A large wedding on a small budget is hard but it can be done. You just need to get a little creative with the ideas.

Hmmm, I like the idea of asking family (aunts, uncles, cousins and friends, to bring something. Maybe come up with a "menu" and then enlist those trustworthy and close to you to bring certain menu items??? I think your closest friends and family will understand the situation and be more than happy to help!

Also- invitations etc- online Evites? Sorry if that sounds stupid and "cheap" but the only people who would keep a copy of your invitation are yourself and your parents.... so save money there.

as for tables and chairs, are you able to borrow some from family etc, and rent the remainder? now sure if that will be a savings or not... you can always cover up the tables with inexpensive table clothes/linens and no one will know the difference with the tables.... as for chairs... differences will be more noticable, but if that matter to you or not is up to you.

 

[february2003bride]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

SarahtheWarrior had a small, inexpensive wedding that I thought was just lovely: [URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/back-on-dsl-with-pictures.66987/?hilit=costco']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/back-on-dsl-with-pictures.66987/?hilit=costco[/URL]

 

[Amys Bling]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

I think if you are looking to spend less than 5-7K, there are things you can cut out- like other posters said.... or have people contribute...



1. how about having someone make your cake or do cupcake tiers for you as their gift to you? or maybe a nice family member will do it for you without making it "your gift".....

2. Favors- Maybe you can have you a digital camera set up area by a backdrop and make a DIY photobooth- OR maybe you can get a polariod type camera and scrap book materials and ..... forgot where I was going with this, but you get the idea... MAYBE you get a large group shoot of the entire wedding- or of the different groups there with you and FI in it by the photographer and send those out as the Thank you Card/Favor after the fact? Two birds with one stone?

3. Hair/Makeup- buy new makeup and have a talented friend do your makeup? same with hair? They would prob be honored to be included in the day and preparation of the lovely bride and save you money???


4. Pot luck meal? I actually love the idea of an evening wedding- string up white christmas lights around the tent/ceremony area and do a champaign toast some cheaper wine/champaign and beer and do drinks and dessert??

 

[Amys Bling]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

cocktails and dessert don't necessarily constitute tables and chairs for everyone.... not everyone will sit at the same time/whole time... maybe if you have some "seating tables and chairs" you rent or have people lend you.... then make a few high tbales for the young crowd to stand around??


Centerpieces.... glass bowls with one large floating candle or two or three pillar candles- maybe you have them on only the seating tables.... maybe you use fake flower petals as a table decoration?

look at "save on crafts" great discount website that gives ideas and pics as well.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

You could also do a really nice tapas or appetizer menu on the cheap...remember even if you have a buffet someone needs to man it, clear dishes, etc. Or do a brunch....breakfast food (mini quiche, bfast meats, fruit) can be really classy....its what my sister did and it was wonderful. Another option would be a late evening with "champagne and desserts" both of which are items you can get at a bluk foods store. If you make people aware that a cocktail or light appetizer menu is what's being served, no one can complain they didn't know there wasn't a sit down meal.

ooh i like these ideas too!

 

[HopeDream]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

Hi, Sillyberry, Hawaiianorangetree, Charbie, Vc10um, Amy’sBling, and Feb03Bride, thank you for your support and boundless imagination.

Sarahthewarior’s wedding looked lovely!

You all have excellent ideas for how to make the wedding cheaper/do-able with a smaller budget.

I think I’m going to phone my sister and see what she thinks.

I don’t want to rush into anything, and FI has made it clear that a smaller guest list just isn’t happening. He’s not being very helpful, but he doesn’t know what to do either.

As most of our guests will have to drive 6+hours to attend our wedding, I want them to have a good time. As much as I love the “family and friends pitching-in to make it a success” it’s just not a reality with our friends and family spread out across the province.
I’m looking in to alternate venues.

This is not my dream wedding - I think my dream wedding would be me and him getting hitched at an exotic location with a handful of dear friends, or just me and him at a temple in Japan -Something intimate and meaningful - something that really feels like a life changing event.

As it is, I feel like I’m just planning a ridiculously expensive family picnic. The more options I see, the more I realize I’m just not excited about any of it.

I might have to email my aunt and tell her it’s just not happening this year, and making sure to spend extra time with my granny over the next year.

I feel crushed by the weight of family obligation: damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Thank you very much for all your thoughtful replies! Not feeling totally alone on this is priceless.

 

[VRBeauty]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

HD - I think there are ways to put on a low-cost wedding even with the very real financial limitations and cost constraints you've identified. Most of your guests will understand that you are dealing with financial constraints, and will be willing to focus on the ceremony rather than the reception. Your dress does not have to be a traditional gown - Nordstrom's and others carry white dresses that can serve as wedding gowns but at a much lower cost. Wedding favors are not a "must," and you've already identified some low-cost alternatives if you want to offer them (a candy "bar" also comes to mind.) You could re-allocate the rental costs to food costs with in restaurant, or save some money if a church wedding/reception is an option for you. You could combine Costco-type bulk appetizers and nice sandwiches or salads for an early afternoon reception, and see if you can find a local youth service group that would serve for less than the cost of a professional caterer. If you stick to finger foods and sandwiches, many of your guests could eat without tables. And as others have mentioned, some of your local friends might be willing to help out with some aspect of the reception as their wedding gift to you.

Also, I'm not discounting your aunt's concerns or questioning her sincerity -- I trust she's trying to look out for your grandmother's best interests -- but I do think you need to ask yourself not only whether this is what you want, but also whether this is what your grandmother would want rather than what your aunt thinks your grandmother would want.

Good luck with the decisions you and your fiance are facing!

BTW, a few years ago FataFelice had a small and impromptu wedding due to an unexpected family illness, which was followed later with a vow renewal much like the wedding she had originally planned:

[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/fatafelices-pro-pics-finally.112272/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/fatafelices-pro-pics-finally.112272/[/URL]

 

[chemgirl]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

Hmmm, my post dissapeared so this is rushed and probably not as well thought out as before.

We had a wedding with approximately 100 guests for roughly 3500. In order to have my "dream" wedding at that price, we had to have two seperate parties. We had a ceremony and lunch buffet at a winery for family only (around 35 guests) and then we reserved a private room in a nice bar during the evening and had all of our friends and any family members who wanted to attend. We provided a buffet, wine, and cake for the family portion of the wedding, and then snacks (doughy pretzels, cheese plate, chicken wings, pizza, nachos) at the after party. We told everyone that the after party was snacks only. We also just emailed all of our friends for the after party (because invitations are expensive!). I know not ideal, but it allowed us to celebrate with everyone without affecting our finances.

Some other cost cutting ideas:

You don't really need favors, and if you think you do, its fairly cheap to give bulk candy wrapped in netting and ribbon.

Have friends bake your cake (or cupcakes) or use a sheet cake from the groccery store. Way cheaper than fancy wedding cake.

Make centerpieces! I found cheap vases ($3-$5) in the clearance section at winners and then filled them with spray painted birch tree branches. It was pretty and cost about $7 per table. Get creative.

Photographers are really really expensive. Try to either get a student, or have friends do the photography. If you do get a professional, try to get them to do a smaller package for a lower price.

Flowers are also freaking expensive. There are some people who will rent flower arrangements (fake flowers, but some of then look really nice). Any reputable company will have a showroom and will be able to work with you re: ribbon colour etc. My aunt does this so I managed to get flowers from her. Companies like her's will rent out baskets for cards and other creative decorations (she lent me a really cool blinged out mailbox!). If you want real flowers, try a flower market or groccery store with a large flower department.

Also, I didnt' buy a real wedding dress. I had a white, floorlength, lace dress from BCBG. It was 50% off. This is a really good time to find white dresses that are on sale from the summer (if you want a white dress).

Those are some of the ways I managed to cut down on cost without cutting the guestlist.

 

[TooPatient]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

Look at the last 10 (or so) pages of the Small Talk thread in LIW!

BeezyGal lives in that area and found some AMAZING deals on venues that you may like. I think she's going with a restaurant reception.


Also....
DIY. DIY. DIY.

My mom's entire wedding budget was under $1000 (a lot closer to $500 if I remember right) so it can be done.

Consider slicing meats/cheeses and putting them on trays yourself. (if you can't borrow a meat slicer, they are easy to find for $100)
Same with fruits & veggies.

 

[Jessie702]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

Hi, Sillyberry, Hawaiianorangetree, Charbie, Vc10um, Amy’sBling, and Feb03Bride, thank you for your support and boundless imagination.

Sarahthewarior’s wedding looked lovely!

You all have excellent ideas for how to make the wedding cheaper/do-able with a smaller budget.

I think I’m going to phone my sister and see what she thinks.

I don’t want to rush into anything, and FI has made it clear that a smaller guest list just isn’t happening. He’s not being very helpful, but he doesn’t know what to do either.

As most of our guests will have to drive 6+hours to attend our wedding, I want them to have a good time. As much as I love the “family and friends pitching-in to make it a success” it’s just not a reality with our friends and family spread out across the province.
I’m looking in to alternate venues.

This is not my dream wedding - I think my dream wedding would be me and him getting hitched at an exotic location with a handful of dear friends, or just me and him at a temple in Japan -Something intimate and meaningful - something that really feels like a life changing event.

As it is, I feel like I’m just planning a ridiculously expensive family picnic. The more options I see, the more I realize I’m just not excited about any of it.

I might have to email my aunt and tell her it’s just not happening this year, and making sure to spend extra time with my granny over the next year.

I feel crushed by the weight of family obligation: damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Thank you very much for all your thoughtful replies! Not feeling totally alone on this is priceless.

Hon, this is the part that sticks out. This is NOT your dream wedding. Do you think you will be happy doing this? Im not saying dont or do do it, but think about it. Also, if it is very reasonable...maybe instead of renting tables and doing a garden wedding, maybe try having it at a church, most churchs have a reception area that you can dress up, and more the enough table and chairs they let you use for free, or possibly make it more casual, so you dont need as many tables and chairs. Im sorry, but i hope everything works out for you.

 

[amc80]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

My grandmother is a wonderful woman, but has been slowly losing her memory and declining over the last couple of years. More recently her decline has become more rapid, and It's clear to me that she has limited lucid time left.

I'm going to play devil's advocate here, since I have a grandmother in a very similar situation.

What if you revamp your entire wedding, cut corners, change the vision, etc. in order to make it possible for your grandma to attend...and the wedding just happens to fall on a "bad" day. Sure, she would physically be there, but you will have given up your dream wedding to achieve something that just isn't possible.

I look at it this way- if I were my grandma and wasn't always lucid, I would hate for my granddaughter to change everything for me, when I probably wouldn't remember it anyway. I'd much rather have her spend more time with me on a regular basis (which you mentioned as a possibility).

I don't know, I don't want to sound completely selfish. I think it would be different if she had a purely physical ailment. But with any sort of memory condition, it's always a gamble as to whether or not they will "be here" on any given day.

 

[Amys Bling]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

you should definitely be excited for your wedding... so if the options that are avilable for a wedding in May/June of this year don't excite you then I don't think you should force something...

 

[lovemybling]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

I just want to add my 2 cents. Remember it isn't about a "wedding" it is about getting married. it should be what you and your FI want.

If you choose to move it up, it is possible. But YOUR heart has to be in it. Looks like you will have plenty of help and support from your friends here.

Good Luck

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

HopeDream, does your Aunt want you to move your wedding up for your own benefit or for your grandmothers?

I'm just thinking (forgive me if you think this is the most stupid idea in the world) that if this idea is for your grandmas benefit so she can see you get married and she is only lucid now and then, that you could hold a small wedding just for her?
It wouldn't have to be official or anything but you could have a small ceremony in her garden with your family present and she gets to see you get married and then you could still have the real wedding you want in 1.5 years?

If it is for your own benefit I guess you need to weigh the pros and cons of having your grandmother see you get married in a wedding that is not entirely what you want.

Good luck and i hope you can make a decision you are both happy with soon.

 

[StonieGrl]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

This is going to sound really really odd but there is a connection.

My husband's grandmother was declining. We decided that we would launch the considerable travel costs to go see her while she was alive and in possession of all her faculties. She had never met me so it would be a good thing for us both. We got there in June. We got there and spent 3 days with her. She had a great time, we had a great time. We went home happy with our decision.

January: She passed aways. Spouse's father called to tell us. He informed us of when the funeral was. We informed him we would not be attending as we had made the decision to spend the travel costs while she was still alive to see her. FIL was unbelieveably angry with us. Pretty sure other relatives who didn't confront us also ran us down in our absence.

But we knew we did the right thing to see her rather than bury her.

How about you and your fiance take your grandmother for a weekend somewhere, or the two of you go see her for a weekend. Is the vow taking the most important thing in terms of what she experiences with you two? Think of what that most important thing for that person and see what you can do to provide this WITHOUT sacrificing your wedding and honeymoon. I'm sure she would not be in favor of that, regardless of what another relative is requesting.

 

[Echidna]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

My grandmother is a wonderful woman, but has been slowly losing her memory and declining over the last couple of years. More recently her decline has become more rapid, and It's clear to me that she has limited lucid time left.

I'm going to play devil's advocate here, since I have a grandmother in a very similar situation.

What if you revamp your entire wedding, cut corners, change the vision, etc. in order to make it possible for your grandma to attend...and the wedding just happens to fall on a "bad" day. Sure, she would physically be there, but you will have given up your dream wedding to achieve something that just isn't possible.

I look at it this way- if I were my grandma and wasn't always lucid, I would hate for my granddaughter to change everything for me, when I probably wouldn't remember it anyway. I'd much rather have her spend more time with me on a regular basis (which you mentioned as a possibility).

I don't know, I don't want to sound completely selfish. I think it would be different if she had a purely physical ailment. But with any sort of memory condition, it's always a gamble as to whether or not they will "be here" on any given day.

HopeDream, we are in a similar position. My FI's grandmother has been battling terminal cancer for some time. It is very unlikely she will make it to our July wedding. So this is what (and why) we decided: I left it up to my FI, but we ultimately didn't move our wedding forward. Our reasoning was very similar to what amc80 described above; we just couldn't guarantee that she would be well enough or able to attend even if we got married ASAP (which legally is one month and one day after signing the paperwork in Australia). No one asked us to move our wedding, but I felt somewhat guilty we were choosing "our day" (with associated costs and lead times) over an important family member.

At the end of the day, we have tried to spend more time with her (rather than planning a wedding) instead. FI's mum told me recently that grandma was so pleased I come to visit her with FI (although I also send him on his own for a bit of one-on-one time). I think StonieGrl's story and advice is spot on here: leave the wedding be and just enjoy her company. Spend the time asking her to tell you stories from when she was younger, talk about her own wedding, talk about your future with your FI, let him get to know her better, etc.

Best of luck.

 

[jaylex]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

This is not my dream wedding - I think my dream wedding would be me and him getting hitched at an exotic location with a handful of dear friends, or just me and him at a temple in Japan -Something intimate and meaningful - something that really feels like a life changing event.

As it is, I feel like I’m just planning a ridiculously expensive family picnic. The more options I see, the more I realize I’m just not excited about any of it.

I might have to email my aunt and tell her it’s just not happening this year, and making sure to spend extra time with my granny over the next year.

I feel crushed by the weight of family obligation: damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Thank you very much for all your thoughtful replies! Not feeling totally alone on this is priceless.

Hi Hope,
I just want to throw in my 2 cents... Sorry in advance for typing an essay.

When fiance and I got engaged (just over a year ago), his step-grandfather was suffering from on-going health concerns and my step-grandfather was re-diagnosed with cancer. Both have since passed and will not be able to attend our wedding (this coming May). Fiance was especially close to his stepgpa, we loved both of them dearly and I know that both of them would have loved to be there... but so would my grandfather who passed 6 years ago who didn't even get to meet my fiance.
In my opinion... and I hope I don't sound cruel for saying this... but anything could happen to anyone on my guest list at any time. None of us are guaranteed another single breath... let alone another lucid year.
If we picked our wedding date based on the "so-and-so" may not be able to attend if we don't do it really really soon, then we would have theoretically had to have gotten married the day after we got engaged.

It sounds like you were aware of your grandmother's condition when you picked your wedding date.. and I'm not saying that you don't love her or this, that or the other thing... but if you weren't planning on having the wedding in five month to accommodate that in the first place, maybe it's not such a great thing for your aunt to request that you move it. Now, if your aunt was offering to help alleviate your financial burden some to accommodate her request, that is different.
And I don't know your aunt... but it seems to me like this may be more about her wanting to create more memories with your grandmother, then about her wanting your grandmother to be at the wedding.

If I were in your shoes (which I'm not exactly... so I don't know for sure... but I think this is how I would handle it..) I would keep with the wedding plans for the date you and your fiance had already decided on... and suggest that your aunt throw a surprise birthday party for your grandmother... or just a family reunion of sorts that celebrates your grandmother. My mom was kicking this idea around before my step grandfather passed away.. but we didn't get a chance to do that because his conditioned deteriorated a lot faster than we had anticipated. You could offer to help your aunt plan it. You could do a photo montage, have her favorite foods... just celebrate her life.

That way, some of the responsibility is on your aunt. It's not fair to put all of this pressure on you and it would only lead to guilty feelings down the road.

Plus, nothing has the potential to harm a new marriage as extreme financial difficulties. If they could be avoided, that would probably be good for you and your hubby-to-be.

Good luck with what ever you decide.

 

[HopeDream]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

Hi VRBeauty, ChemGirl, TooPatient, Jessie702, Amc80, Amys Bling, lovemy bling, Hawaiianorangetree, StonieGrl, Echidna, and Jaylex.

Thank you for sharing your life experiences in this area, and all the innovative the cost-saving alternatives suggested.

After talking it over extensively with my FI and my sister(who agreed that it just wasn’t possible), I emailed my aunt and told her it just wouldn’t work. FI really doesn’t want to get married this year, and the time crunch would make it very difficult for our guests to make travel arrangements. Ultimately the wedding should be about FI and I, and bringing our families together.

Jaylex: I love the idea about celebrating my Granny’s birthday, and have emailed my aunt about it.

Thank you for holding my hand and hearing me babble as I worked through this difficult decision. I feel better now that I’ve decided on a firm timeline.

Weddings should not be rushed.

 

[Echidna]

Re: Moving the wedding from 1.5 years away to within 5 month

Thanks for the update, HopeDream. Big hugs for making such a difficult decision. We're here for you if you if you need us.