Home Moving in with my parents...(calling parents and children, and Haven!)

[MakingTheGrade]

So up until last year I spent every Christmas and Summer holiday with my parents in China, which during college added up to about 3 months a year. I mostly did it because I''m an only child, and my mom will give me the teary-eyed sad-puppy face over the phone if I even hint at the fact that I don''t want to spend my holidays with them.

Anyways, despite the fact that I am now a married woman, attend a very ''prestigious'' school, and am only 2 years away from a medical degree and a career involving life and death decisions and situations.. My mom is still doubtful of my ability to dress myself in the mornings, and therefore finds it necessary to lay out outfits for me when I stay with her. Her favorite color on me is polkadot. Lovely...

I''ve been dueling with my parents over autonomy and boundaries since I was 14 though, so every time I see them, things get a bit better. At least now my mom no longer actually expects me to wear the outfits she lays out. And I understand the cultural differences in our expectations of what the parent-child relationship should be like, and as the younger and hypothetically less set-in-my-ways person, I try to be more compromising. I pick the battles and the lines that are important to me, and defend them vehemently, but I let the little (though somewhat annoying) things go. And my parents are slowly learning to do the same.

I''m probably going to be in a co-habitating situation as well in a few years when I have a baby because my parents have every intention of moving in for a few months, and honestly, I wouldn''t mind the extra help since DH and I are very busy with work. I may have to write out a behavioral contract before that happens though...

 

[Indylady]

Princesss- I''ve been to Canada, the UK, Dubai, Kuwait, Thailand (I was too little to really remember anything besides keeping a can of soda for ages because I thought it was that cool), South Korea (again, really little! maybe 8? This time I remember some fancy lipstick that my mom bought with a very distinctive smell; not bad, just distinctive), Saudi Arabia, Pakistan (I was 2...I have a picture of myself sitting on a camel on the beach, and I literally no memory of it whatsoever), India, and Bangladesh.

I''d love, love to explore Europe. My SO has been all over Europe, and its no fair at all! He''s traveled a lot, but besides the UK, I don''t think we have any overlaps!

Label- Its a grant from the Department of State that allows students from the US to travel abroad and students from abroad to travel to the US to teach languages or do research. Here''s a link in case you''re interested: http://www.iie.org/fulbright/

Aww, Cehra, that''s what my mom says all the time. My grandmother passed away last spring, and my mom still gets teary eyed when she thinks of the times when my grandma used to stay up late with her while my mom studied, and all of the other little things grandma used to do for mom as a kid and even as an adult.

BlackJade, thank you for your congratulations! Wow...thank you for your post. This is really embarrassing for me to say, but I actually hadn''t thought to put into how my parents were feeling over this. They''re really happy and excited to be home, so I took the whole thing for granted and took to mean they love every part of me being home. Now that I think about it, I do cause work and fuss for them, and must have disrupted their routine as well. While I was away, it sounded like they were having fun...I do think they missed me, but they were going out to eat at restaurants, going to the movies, and taking weekend trips. I can''t believe I didn''t think to imagine things from their point of view. BlackJade, I am so glad and thankful for your post.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 5/16/2010 6:26:46 PM
Author: MakingTheGrade
So up until last year I spent every Christmas and Summer holiday with my parents in China, which during college added up to about 3 months a year. I mostly did it because I''m an only child, and my mom will give me the teary-eyed sad-puppy face over the phone if I even hint at the fact that I don''t want to spend my holidays with them.


Anyways, despite the fact that I am now a married woman, attend a very ''prestigious'' school, and am only 2 years away from a medical degree and a career involving life and death decisions and situations.. My mom is still doubtful of my ability to dress myself in the mornings, and therefore finds it necessary to lay out outfits for me when I stay with her. Her favorite color on me is polkadot. Lovely...


I''ve been dueling with my parents over autonomy and boundaries since I was 14 though, so every time I see them, things get a bit better. At least now my mom no longer actually expects me to wear the outfits she lays out. And I understand the cultural differences in our expectations of what the parent-child relationship should be like, and as the younger and hypothetically less set-in-my-ways person, I try to be more compromising. I pick the battles and the lines that are important to me, and defend them vehemently, but I let the little (though somewhat annoying) things go. And my parents are slowly learning to do the same.


I''m probably going to be in a co-habitating situation as well in a few years when I have a baby because my parents have every intention of moving in for a few months, and honestly, I wouldn''t mind the extra help since DH and I are very busy with work. I may have to write out a behavioral contract before that happens though...

I think our parents would make great friends!! Do you think a contract would work? I''ve tried that approach, and they usually fire back with, "well then you have to sign a contract that says _______________________ (insert ridiculous demands)" followed by peals of laughter. Yup..

 

[Haven]

Hey IndyLady! I just wanted to pop back in to see how things are going.

It sounds like that conversation you had with your mom re: your study schedule was really positive. From that alone I''d bet that she''s having a really hard time treating you like an adult, but every time you show her that you *are* an adult, it will get a little easier. I think with some patience on both sides, you guys will get the hang of it.

I like Black Jade''s post, too, because it shows us the perspective from the other side. I don''t think my own parents would have quite as much to say about when I moved back in with them as we were more like roommates than anything else--we minded our own business and interacted only when it was convenient for both parties. However, I imagine that a part of our parents does feel like "Man! I thought I was done raising these kids and now they''re BACK?!"

I hope everything else is going well for you! When are you taking the LSAT? I''ll think good thoughts for you.

 

[Indylady]

Things have really been good, except for maybe one or two small arguments. I can tell my parents are making an effort, and I am too. Things aren''t "fixed" necessarily, but they are different and getting better. I''ve been working on articulating myself and focusing on reason, and picking my battles. The other day, my mom told me I''d get hot if I went out in the sweater I was wearing. Of course, that flipped the little insanity switch in my head...but I said, "I don''t think so, but if I do, it''ll be ok." And that was it. I was really getting upset before when my mom would make these small comments, but I realized that I warn my roommates about the weather all the time, and they warn me, and its seriously no big deal. For some reason, "its raining badly, make sure you grab an umbrella!" was a friendly warning from my roommate, but the start of a battle with mom! And that was somewhat irrational on my part, though many would find that such warnings from mom are equally irrational.

So, I''ve instituted a "barometer" so speak: if its something one of my roommates, or SO would say, a commonplace/commonsense sort of thing, to let it slide and keep calm. If its out of that scope, and a micro-management of my life, then its time to talk about it. My roommates don''t tell me to go to bed, they don''t tell me to study, etc. Obviously, not a hard rule, but just a rule of thumb. So far, its ensured that we really tackle the "big issues".

My LSAT is June 4th! I don''t feel like I''ve had the time to adequately (about 1 month from graduation to the exam, and I didn''t start studying until a couple days after graduation). Oh well. I''ve been drinking Powerade to help me get my game face on.

 

[Indylady]

Haven, I''ve always wanted to talk to you after a thread on interfaith relationships a while back on Hangout; I think Barry Bridgestock, a CS vendor, might be willing to connect us if you''re willing to chat. His email is [email protected]; I recently purchased the only ruby he''s ever cut, so that should help jog his memory.

 

[Octavia]

Indy, don''t stress TOO much about the LSAT. I know it''s easier said than done, but IMHO there are diminishing returns once you start to feel comfortable with the test format and the way the questions are written. I definitely didn''t study consistently for a month (I think I did a bunch of questions and then 2 or 3 timed practice exams and that was about it) and still did fine. So you''re ahead of the game! Also, remember that taking it multiple times doesn''t count against you anymore, so there''s always the option to take it again if you are really unhappy with the score you get.