Home Moving in with my parents...(calling parents and children, and Haven!)

[Indylady]

Has anyone moved in with their family after living away from home for a while?

I just graduated college, and I''m home for the summer before I leave again. My mom might be coming with me on the Fulbright (my mom is a SAHM, and my dad is near retirement, so its a great time for them to travel and have fun). I love my parents, but I''m finding it hard to adjust sometimes. I hear a barrage of,

"its a bad habit to eat x/y/z at this hour/before dinner/etc."
"you should go to bed earlier than you do"(I''m in bed by 1, but my parents go to bed by 10)
"did you run errand x,y,z? you haven''t yet?! do it now!!"

I understand that my parents and I are a family, not roommates. So I get dinner time and eating dinner together, going to their friend''s homes for family get-togethers, and movie nights, and telling them where I''m going and for how long. I definitely respect my parents. But, I feel like I''m being babied, and I say, "Mom, I''m old enough to figure this out!" she just says, "Yup, that''s what all kids say..." followed by a big smile. Ahh!

I''m trying to "show them" I''m an adult. Clean-ish room, sticking to coming home when I say I will, and I''ve tried talking to her, and I get the above. Bahh! What do I do?

Haven, I remember reading once that you moved home for a while after college? Any advice? I''d appreciate advice from a mom''s side of view too! My mom is fantastic, and I just can''t figure out a way to say what I''m feeling, without either not being taken seriously, or taken seriously, but so seriously that it hurts her feelings. (Its mostly my mom)

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I know the feeling. After coming back from Ireland, I lived with my parents for about a month and a half. They did not baby me, but rather treated me like an adult to the point where they expected me to do chores around the house, but the only time I learned what they were was when they were mad that I had not done it. We finally had a big fight, the biggest since I was 17 because I did not empty the dishwasher. At that point, we actually talked about the ground rules, that I was an adult, not a mind reader and what we expected from each other. It helped a lot because they realized that I was not being lazy, just not coming from the same place they were. I was happy to do my part once I knew what it was.

I think your best bet is to sit down with BOTH your parents and figure out what the parameters are. You agree to do errands, but they can''t ask you about it for 3 days to see if you have done it or something. I think you need to have your dad there so your mom does not feel ganged up on. Doing as a sit down rather than a casual conversation might also help.

Remember, your mom is probably trying to reconcile knowing you are an adult with her pattern of you living in her house=you as child who needs her advice.

 

[Haven]

Hey IndyLady!

First, I'm not sure if I congratulated you on the Fulbright elsewhere, but just in case: CONGRATULATIONS! That's really, really impressive, and I am so excited for you.

And you are correct, I lived with my parents for several years after college. In the beginning there were definitely some adjustments to be made. My parents were never the rules type, as they were almost too laid-back when I was growing up, but it did take some adjustments and conversations before we were able to live together in the house when I was an adult.

I think it's wonderful that you tell them where you're going and have dinner with them, and go with them to friends' homes and share movie nights. However, I wonder if doing all that makes them feel like you're back home as a child again? I'm not sure, I bet some of the moms of older children can weigh in on that. (Happy Mother's Day, Mommies!) Those may be things your parents require, but I think they will probably also add to your parents' feelings that "their little girl" is back home with them.

When I lived with my parents I only told them if I'd be home late. I didn't tell them where I was going unless I was going somewhere unusual or very far away. Of course, as I said earlier, my parents barely cared to know these things when I was a teenager, so that makes a big difference!

I also kept a very different schedule than they did, so we were only able to eat meals together on the weekends.

Hmmm, I'm not being very helpful, am I? Let me focus on how we did draw boundaries for each other when we needed to:

- We had a long conversation before I moved back home about how things would work out. My parents were pretty adamant that they wanted me to act like an adult, and they wanted me to treat them like my adult roommates, and not mommy and daddy. I think that helped draw some clear cut lines about how we would and wouldn't behave around each other.

- I bought my own groceries and toiletries (I grew up in a home with ONE bathroom, so that was important) and we set a schedule for getting ready in the morning. My mom and I are both teachers, so we both had to be awake super early. The bathroom was probably the constant source of frustration for us while I was growing up, and while I lived with them after college.

There were some days that my dad neglected to think about our "schedule" and took up the bathroom when I needed to shower, so I had to shower at the gym or work. Blah.

- The biggest peace keeper for us came when I realized that I couldn't air my frustrations out with them in the same manner that I had when I was a teenager. (This included whining, yelling from other rooms, and other very mature modes of communication.) I really had to re-learn how to communicate with my parents, I suppose in all ways and not just when I was upset about something, to help all of us behave as if we were all adults. I learned how to have *real* conversations with them, and in a way that I never had before I left for college.

I think that the experience was really wonderful for our relationships with each other, and let's be honest--for my wallet! I saved THOUSANDS of dollars living with them. But seriously, my mom and I are especially close, and I do feel like although she's still my mom, we relate on an adult level, as well.

Okay, so that is a lot of writing to say:
It's really important to adjust the way you communicate with your parents, and make sure that you are all communicating with each other as adults. I know (for me, at least) that it was especially easy to revert back to my teenage behaviors around them, and as soon as I curbed that, things became very easy.

Good luck! I'll check back to see what everyone says, and I'm sure I'll come up with more constructive ideas as time goes on!

ETA: I am SO SORRY I wrote so much with so little content, IndyLady. I need to work on writing with concision. I blame it on my high typing speed--so much comes out so quickly, but that doesn't mean it's helpful!

 

[Indylady]

Thank you so much Brazen and Haven!

You both touched on patterns of me living at home as a child, and continuing those as an adult, including telling them where I am, going to dinner parties, etc. I''m afraid that I agree with you two. This definitely makes it easy revert back to "being a kid". My parents actually don''t require much (though they do want to know where I''m going). I think I might have kept up with these activities because it seemed natural to me; no wonder things have been they way they have!

Likewise, sometimes I catch myself reverting back to my highschool-style of communication. Eeek!

Haven, thanks for the congratulations! I am very excited, and I''m hoping to post pictures of life there. I''m also hoping that I''ll be invited to a wedding, so I can post pictures for all of the LIW and BIW. I really appreciate your extra-long post

. Hearing all of your examples, and how you became closer with your mom after living at home, were all helpful in painting a picture for me. Have you ever thought about going into writing?

I have to run as we''re going out for a Mother''s Day lunch, but I''ll be back soon. Happy Mother''s Day to all of the PS Mother''s!

 

[zoebartlett]

I''ve moved home a couple times since graduating college, and I may be looking at another (hopefully brief) stay with my parents soon. The difference between your situation and mine is that my parents recognized that I was an adult who was moving back home for a while. They didn''t treat me as a child who was going back to live with mom and dad. I paid rent, contributed to bills, did plenty of chores, basically, I did everything I could do to take care of my parents'' house as if it was mine. We worked together and although it wasn''t my ideal situation, it was fine.

I agree with BIH about sitting down with you parents and discussing the parameters. My parents and I did this, and we all found it pretty helpful.

 

[Octavia]

I lived with my parents for the summer after I graduated college, and although we usually get along great, it was a stressful time. Mainly because I was looking for a job and wasn't having much luck for awhile, and they thought I should be doing more than I was, so we had some contentious discussions about it. The only thing that made it tolerable was that I was looking for a job near where I went to school, which is 4+ hours from where they live, so I was crashing with friends down here for quite a lot of the time so I could look more effectively and was available for interviews. Obviously, that part doesn't apply to you...but I do highly recommend taking some trips to see friends (especially since you won't see them for a year after!). Sometimes, when things start to feel like too much, it really helps to get away for a few days.

Other than that, though, my parents generally respected that I was an adult, and I pitched in around the house, bought groceries and cooked, things like that. They have never been the type to say "you should/shouldn't do X" for the most part, so we never had issues over eating or bedtime or whatever. But I did feel like if I was going to be staying over at a friend's house for the night, I should let them know, and things like that, so it was an odd balance of doing what I wanted as I would if I was living on my own and still following the old "house rules." Overall, I completely agree with Haven, and I think it's much easier to adapt to being an adult in your parents' house when they've treated you as one (more or less) for years. I think actions speak louder than words, and if you show them that you will (respectfully) do what you please and that their opinions are important but aren't definitive, you'll get further than if you whine or complain about it. Not that you will do that, just a general thought!

It's only a couple months, though, so I'm sure you will get through it just fine! I ended up getting a job in August of the summer I graduated, and moved away, and I do miss being with my parents sometimes. In hindsight, I wish I'd made more of being with them that summer, but of course it's different to look back on it than it was at the time.

 

[RaiKai]

I had to stay with my parents for a month when I ended a relationship (my ex and I were common law and shared a home). I was 29 and had been on my own for about 9 years or so by then.

I did not have an issue with not being seen as an adult - as said I had been on my own (either living by myself or with my ex) and so on. A lot of things had changed for all of us by then and we had all had a lot of life experiences by then and related more as individual to individual, rather than one family role to another. My family is pretty good about respecting one anothers individuality and so on. I did not *revert* when I moved back, and helped out of course, but I also did my own thing. Though I had been this way for a while at home too as I was oldest.

However, I found a new place the day after I moved back and knew it would be temporary as living there long would drive me *crazy* as I was so used to having my own space and privacy by then and staying in a guest room, living out of boxes with most of my stuff in my old house was trying. Also, I love my mum but have a tough time living with her - we have personality clashes when we are around one another too long! We are both human after all!

The dynamic at my parents was different too by then - my parents and youngest sister had been on their own about 6-7 years by then...I did not quite fit into that anymore as much as I love them all! I had fun hanging out with my sister, but, it was a tough adjustment for her too.

So, it was doable, but I knew it was temporary and more like a long visit. I would have had a hard time staying on a long term basis! They probably would have too, even though they said different!

 

[princesss]

Hi Indy!

I spent last summer with my parents, and BF and I will be living with them this summer for two months as well. We''re in a bit of a different situation in that we live in the house full-time while my parents live abroad, but at the end of the day, living with my parents is living with my parents.

Last summer we worked REALLY hard at maintaining open lines of communication. I didn''t feel like I needed to tell them where I was at all time, but we did feel like it was important for them to know when I was coming home. Just a general time, because my mom felt like that''s what a roommate would do (I wouldn''t tell a roommate that, but it made her comfortable, and was an easy thing to do). I have younger siblings, but would try to help out with chores. They bought groceries, and I had to buy any extras or specialty items on top of that. It''s very hard not to revert back to parent/child, and I think that me having a job really helped. I had a place to be during the day, and it helped show that I was an adult capable of functioning on my own.

Really, all I can do is stress communication. My mom is really great about listening and understanding that things aren''t necessarily going to go her way - she''s great with give and take. We both tried really hard to make sure that we were being respectful of each other.

On the plus side, I got great meals and I got to hang out with my mom after not seeing her for months.

 

[Indylady]

I''m going to read the responses as soon as I finish this, but let me repeat, help please!!

Eeeeek. I just got in trouble for about 5 different things:

-my parents wanted me to eat dinner before we headed out to a movie; I said I wasn''t hungry, would eat later
-basically, I got a, you must eat now!!
-so I put together a small plate, and tried taking it up to my room, because I needed to send an email before the movie
-then I got, why are you taking dinner up to your room?
-because I have to send an email..well bring your computer down and do it at the dinner table (parents had already finished eating dinner, so its not like I''d be eating with them)
-and then buckets of arguing followed, on various topics including study habits, leaving plates in my room, law school acceptances, mother''s day, and more.

 

[Indylady]

Thank you all for your responses! Thank you Zoe, Octavia, Raikai, and Princesss!

It sounds like most of you have parents that treated you like as an adult, and understood you to be one.

My parents don''t. I hate to say it, and I hate reading those words.

How did I get from where I am now, to where you all are?

 

[zoebartlett]

Wow, okay, I''d say having a talk with your parents soon would be a good idea. Have you tried explaining to them that you''ve lived on your own, you''re an adult, and you''d like to be treated like one? You''re about to move away for a year. Do your parents really want to spend the summer arguing with you over every little thing? I don''t mean to sound harsh, but I''d be annoyed, too, if my parents treated me like I was in high school.

 

[Indylady]

I think that part of the problem is that I haven''t been financially independent through college. I will/should be starting this fall. They never, ever hold that fact above my head, nor mention it. But, I do think it has an affect of whether or not I''m seen as an autonomous individual.

 

[Indylady]

We just had a talk; I don''t think things have changed exactly, but we''ve made some compromises. I think my mom was extra upset because its Mother''s Day, but things seem a brighter.

 

[iheartscience]

I only lived with my parents for the summer after freshman year (my lease didn't start until August and school got out in May). It was torturous!

It sounds like you need to make a stand. It's not really reasonable for you to be expected to be home for every meal or to go on family outings to their friends' houses. You're not a kid anymore.

Also, do you actually want your mother to go on your Fulbright with you? I personally would NOT be okay with that. I love my parents a ton but I wouldn't want them coming along with me. That's pretty surprising to me, actually.

I would have a talk with your parents and tell them that you appreciate them letting you live with them, but that you're an adult now and you would like to be treated that way. Then I would let them know how you'd like to be treated. If you don't want to go to their friends' houses, tell them that. If you want to only be home X amount of nights for dinner, tell them that, too. If you have a conversation about everything I'm sure you can work it out.

ETA-oops, just saw that you did have a talk! I hope it helps.

 

[Kaleigh]

Indylady,

I get you!!! And congrats on the fulbright, that's awesome. My DD is moving home in 2 weeks. She's super independent, and I know how she likes to be treated. My problem is my husband. He needs to give her space.

I know her inside and out. I know when she wants to talk when she doesnt, I know how to take cues from her.

MY HUSBAND?? Clueless...... I am in for a bad few weeks, or months...


I told her she needs to work on that with him. I can't stop it although I sure would love to, she is the greatest kid, and has worked her butt off to graduate early..

Best of luck to you, you have a great future ahead!!!!

 

[FrekeChild]

Yikes. Yeah it sounds like they are still treating you like a child, and you are still letting them treat you as a child.

I have lived with my parents through various stages of life...three times in adulthood.

Time #1: I was 21. I moved back in with my parents to save money for me to go away to school in New York. My parents and I ran very different schedules, so it was rather difficult, but we made it work. It was then that we laid down ground rules and established boundaries. Things were somewhat rocky, but I wasn''t living with them for long, so it was ok.

Time #2: This was after I had returned from school, and I was about 22. My mom (SAHM) and I (working) fought a LOT. I wanted to establish my independence BIG TIME, and I didn''t want to live under their roof. So I was there because I had no other choice. It was at this point where my parents decided to get me an apartment, for my dad''s sanity because I was so resentful and my mom and I fought all of the time.

Time #3: My mom has been gone for a year and a half now, and my husband and I moved in with my dad to help him out (boy I''m glad we did, the house is falling down around him!) and because it was a good financial decision for us. Since my mom passed, my dad has gained a lot more independence than he had before. There are spacial boundaries (he stays on his side of the house for the most part, we stay on ours), I make dinner for all of us when everyone is around, etc. We don''t tell him when we''re going out or when we''ll be back (unless it''s whats for dinner, in which case we''ll tell him we''re going out so he can figure out what he''s going to eat) I really like living up here with him, although he drives me batty sometimes. But we treat each other with respect and respect each other''s boundaries, and we all act like adults. Its working very well. Now that we''ve gotten the kinks out.

 

[zipzapgirl]

I moved back home for a few months after college until my program in Europe kicked off in Octohber, so I think I was in a very similar situation to you IndyLady.

The good parts were that I managed to save a lot of money and my parents really respected that I was working two jobs to save up. I did a day job in an office and worked several nights and weekends waiting tables, so I spent minimal time at home.

The bad parts were that my parents didn''t buy the "we''re roommates now" and really didn''t like compromising on some things. My mom really likes to clean on Saturday mornings and have everything done. While I offered to take over a third of the tasks on a rotating basis (one week bathrooms, next week dusting & vacuuming, etc.) I was adamant that that not happen before noon on Saturdays as it was my only day I could sleep in. It didn''t go over so well. I remember one especially bitter morning when I was woken up at 8am because we were all going to wash windows....hmmmm--I never agreed to that, I was never asked, and I was not happy at all about the early hour after an my 16 hr workday the day before. So it took some pointing out to them that they needed to schedule special requests like that and that it would be disrespectful of them to do that to anyone else, so they should have the same standards for me.

The other major problem was that they are teetotalers and do not approve of alcohol at all. My views after college were different, let''s say

The issue never came up until the morning after my birthday when my mom smelled the liquor on my breath. They were pissed, but what can you say back if you are 23? I didn''t drink in your house, I didn''t drive, I didn''t do anything irresponsible, and I didn''t disturb you when I came in. Still, it was a very sticky point.

I think you really need to establish nitty gritty expectations on both sides and try to be understanding that they also aren''t used to having a new roommate who disrupts their routine. Also, maybe have one night where you are definitely home and you cook and eat dinner together and then have games night/Dancing with the Stars viewing or something fun to look forward to. This will make you seem more like a social, contributing co-dweller and less like a rent-free freeloader!

Good luck and congrats on the Fulbright!!

 

[Indylady]

Thank you Thing2, Kaleigh, Freke, and ZipZap!

Thing2- I''m a little on the fence about it. I''ll be going to an orientation soon, and I think it will help me figure out what will be best. I''m going to a country that''s not particularly safe, especially because of some recent political trouble, so that has something to do with her wish, and my wish, for her to come. Part of me thinks it would be a great way transition into an entire year away from friends and family, and the other part worries since we''re having trouble right now.

Kaleigh- Thank you for the warm wishes! Congratulations to your daughter on her graduation. I hope her transition home goes smoothly! I do have some friends that have had a seamless time moving back home. I also love being independent; it actually really motivates me to stay on top of things. When I''m accountable, it makes me work harder. I''ve started cooking dinner and alternating with my parents, and I''m so glad we''ve started that. The first week back, it was nice to be lazy and free, but it felt weird not to have much to do. Is your daughter looking for a job, or planning on going to graduate school, or both?

Freke- Thanks for your breakdown..I need to figure out how to get these kinks out, and fast! I think I''m someplace around 1 right now.

Zipzap, my parents also don''t buy being roommates. You''ve hit on a nail on the fact that they want me to be a social, contributing co-dweller. They hate it when I hole up in my room! Eek.

I''m sorry but I had to cut this a little bit short; I''m studying for the LSAT, and the study-bug (and test stress) just kicked in today. I''ve been studying casually, but I seriously need to step the work I''m doing. Eek!

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

just curious: Am I the only person who doesn''t find it an unreasonable request to let parents know when you''re leaving the house and when you''ll be back? I lived at home for a year between college and grad school and then again for a few months before moving to another city. I didn''t have any big problems with my parents, but I was also very mindful of any concerns they might have. I think it''s just common courtesy to let them know if I would be joining them for dinner just like I wouldn''t randomly show up (or not) if a roommate was going to cook for me or now, my husband. I also let them know when I was leaving and about what time I''d be coming home and would call if that time changed or if I decided to stay with a friend downtown. I wouldn''t want them to worry, and by letting them know when to expect me, it was nice to know that they''d come looking for me if I something happened and I hadn''t called and wasn''t home in the morning!

I''d say that the only problem I had was when I would want to go out to get gas, or get a FEW things at the grocery store, my mom would turn it into this long to-do list of errands or additional groceries. I guess that''s just the price I paid for free rent. I had it pretty easy: no curfew, no unreasonable amount of chores, no guilt trips.

 

[Indylady]

I don''t really find it unreasonable (I had to take a break from studying!). It might be because I was pretty used to doing that with my roommates or SO; it only takes a second, and I usually talk about what I''m up to for the day or the week anyway. My parents usually tell me where they''re going as well.

 

[Indylady]

One more update:

Things are actually going ok. My mom and I had a little bit of an argument just earlier today. But, I realized that I really need to relax and learn to articulate myself if I''m going to make this work. She asked me to study for the LSAT, and told me to study now for x amount of time, and take a break at y o''clock, and then for x number more hours. I explained, without getting frustrated, that I had already put together a study schedule both on calender in my room and on paper in my books, and knew exactly what I would study, and when and how. And that when she asks me to study when I''m on my break time, it gets me to the table, but doesn''t help me focus. When I focus, I really focus and get into studying...if I''m not focused, I don''t learn much. It seemed to be a pretty easy conversation, and she was really surprised to learn how much I planned out my study schedule and how I do stick to it.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Date: 5/11/2010 5:45:13 PM
Author: IndyLady
One more update:


Things are actually going ok. My mom and I had a little bit of an argument just earlier today. But, I realized that I really need to relax and learn to articulate myself if I''m going to make this work. She asked me to study for the LSAT, and told me to study now for x amount of time, and take a break at y o''clock, and then for x number more hours. I explained, without getting frustrated, that I had already put together a study schedule both on calender in my room and on paper in my books, and knew exactly what I would study, and when and how. And that when she asks me to study when I''m on my break time, it gets me to the table, but doesn''t help me focus. When I focus, I really focus and get into studying...if I''m not focused, I don''t learn much. It seemed to be a pretty easy conversation, and she was really surprised to learn how much I planned out my study schedule and how I do stick to it.

haha, good for you! This cracks me up about parents... you earned the Fullbright, so I''m pretty sure you have done pretty well on your own the last four years with time management and self-discipline in your studies. Yet, your mother thinks that you need her "guidance" in this matter? so funny. It''s like my mom during the last few months of my senior year in high school. All the sudden, she started waking up early and fixing me breakfast and asking me at night if I had finished my homework. She hadn''t made breakfast sine elementary school, and she had NEVER asked about homework. I was taking all AP and honors course at that point, and found the whole deal rather comical. maybe your mom is having "baby bird leaving the nest" syndrome like my mom did!

 

[Circe]

IndyLady, are you by any chance an only child? Because I am, and what you''re describing sounds so very, very familiar to me ....

I love my parents dearly, but they''ve never really "gotten" the whole concept that their baby grew up. I actually moved out at 19 because there were too many personality clashes, but I moved back for about a month in between my master''s degree and the start of my Ph.D. program, and I was a guest in their home pretty frequently when I was living in another state.

I''m 31. I''m a pretty good 31, in terms of accomplishments. And yet. To them, I''m still a baby: if I mention that I''m going out for drinks with a friend, they ask me to call them when I get home: they quibble with me over the neighborhoods that I frequent; for the love of Mike, my dad will call me on cold winter days and ask me if I''ve remembered to don warm socks. Ahahahahaha.

My only successful coping technique has been to consistently remind them that I''m a big girl now (da-dum!) and that I''ve been taking care of myself competently for a veeeeeeeery long time. It only works about half the time ... but, hey. Progress. I''d suggest that you establish some boundaries - politely, kindly, and appreciatively, but nevertheless, establish some boundaries. This sort of thing only gets tougher with age ....

P.S. - Congratulations on your Fulbright! That is a wonderful accomplishment. I think, though, that I will second the gentle suggestion that perhaps taking your mom along isn''t quite the right way to go, if you want to establish boundaries ... and it might be problematic for your studies, bonding with your peers, etc.

 

[princesss]

IndyLady, please understand I say this with a lot of respect, but I''ve got to address your mom going to Pakistan with you:

Bad idea.

No, it''s not the safest place in the world. But do you really expect to be treated as an equal by your peers if they''re off on their own and you bring mommy along? Not to mention the message it sends to your parents. It''s practically screaming "I cannot function on my own, and I need my mother to take care of me." You''re a woman - a ridiculously smart, driven woman capable of earning a Fullbright. Please understand how amazing that is. Part of the Fullbright is the learning experience - striking out on your own to do solid research and understand the world around you. You cannot understand the world around you as a functioning adult if you do not treat yourself as one.

I''m half a world away from my dad and only barely closer to my mother (and even that is only for 2 more months). Of the 3 countries we''re in, I''m probably in the most dangerous on a day-to-day level (the US compared to the Netherlands and the UAE). It''s hard to be away from your family, and it''s hard to be in a dangerous place on your own (Pakistan is obviously more dangerous than the US, but hopefully you see my point), but it''s part of what you''re signing up for. It''s part of what will make you grow.

Please think long and hard before really inviting your mother with you. I truly think you''ll decide against it, and it''s easier to decide against it BEFORE she has a plane ticket. (Also, I''d discourage having her help you get settled over there - it may just make it harder for both of you.)

Sorry. I know it''s totally unsolicited, so feel free to ignore me, but I''d tell any of my friends or coworkers the same thing.

 

[Indylady]

Circe- Only child, you hit it on the nail! It sounds like we might have the same parents...mine also call me to ask if I''ve got enough warm clothes to wear in the winter, and if I''m wearing them. And on, and on.

Your advice is awesome..I was just starting to figure this out yesterday...
Key words: politely, kindly, and appreciatively, but nevertheless, establish some boundaries.
When I''m frustrated, my parents get frustrated, and it turns into a terrible mess. When I talk quietly, and politely, and appreciatively, they respond in kind. It seems like a no-brainer, but somehow, I hadn''t figured that out. My responses would start with "ahh Mom!!!" which would automatically set a terribly negative tone for the following conversation.

Princesss- You''ve always got great advice! I really appreciate your thoughts. I''m going to Bangladesh, not Pakistan, but they in the same neck of the woods (and used to be the same country!) so I understand the confusion. Its something that I''ve been thinking long and hard about...I am starting to err to the side of going alone. Thank goodness she hasn''t bought a ticket yet; I think that I would much rather that she come visit over a break with my dad sometime during a half-way point in my trip. It will be something nice to look forward to, while still giving me space and a chance to really live and breathe life there. I want to be out of my comfort zone, and take advantage of everything I can during that year.

Have you ever been to the UAE? I''ve been to Dubai, and it was amazing. I got to take a few tours and do some shopping; all in all though, it seemed quiet for a major city. The feel in some of the malls and hotels was the same as being in London, or New York, but it seemed more quiet to me. I''d love to hear about your travels! (including the Netherlands!)

 

[princesss]

Gosh, there has been too much talk about Pakistan around my office lately! It''s starting to bleed into my personal life...can''t believe I got that mixed up!

I think having a visit is a great idea. It''ll give you something to look forward to (because while a year isn''t much in the grand scheme of things, it sure feels like a long time when you''re living it), and it''ll give them a chance to see you in a new light. You''ll be confident, you''ll know where to go for anything you need, and you''ll be navigating this new place on your own. They won''t know which way is up, but you''ll be used to it and be able to show them around. I think it''ll help take you out of the "child" role and closer to "fully functioning adult."

I haven''t been to the UAE yet - I really can''t wait to go visit! My sister will graduate high school in Dubai, so I''ll make it over at least once. I really want to go four-wheeling on the sand dunes! No crazy travels planned for a while, just Ireland next month with my family. I can''t wait.

So other than the UAE, where have you been? It sounds like you''re an avid traveler, too, and I love comparing notes.

 

[labellavita81]

Sorry to threadjack but whats Fullbright?

 

[Cehrabehra]

It''s actually sweet - you want to prove you can do it and your mom wants to feel like she can still be there for you. If I could go back and do those days over I would give my mom more leeway... it''s hard at the time, but you never know when they''ll be gone and they aren''t there to turn to ever again

 

[Black Jade]

Congrats on your Fulbright, that''s huge accomplishment. I''m sure your parents are very proud.

Be easy on parents, if you can. Our first son came home unexpectedly a year ago (he''s 25 and an overseas job did not work out, not his fault) and our second son came home 2 weeks ago (he has a chronic illness and things went wrong). I love my kids a lot, but from my point of view, there''s a ton more work for me that I thought I was done with (I mean , REALLY a ton--cooking, shopping, amount of garbage, the way the house gets dirty) even if they help (which they ''forget'' much more than they think they do); there''s a ton less privacy for me and husband (with two kids gone, we were enjoying a second honeymoon); they have moved a bunch of STUFF back into my house and honestly, it''s really really stressful. Did I say, really really stressful? I don''t know that I''m ''babying'' them, but I am having to do a lot of repeating things that they forget, their schedule is very different (they stay up late too) and they don''t realize how this keeps me awake, and my life is turned upside down in all kinds of ways. I think I am on this diamond board a lot more, even, than I used to be and probably than I should be, because diamonds right now remind of me of when I felt I was getting a life as a human being again, rather than as a ''Mom''. (During the time when they were gone, and we weren''t having college bills for them, my husband bought me a couple of nice diamond gifts, the first in 25 years, adn it did make me feel like his bride again, rather than the sweeper, mopper, cooker, shopper and the person who constantly has to remind everyone else to do everything, or else it doesn''t get done!)

Kids kind of feel more like adults to you, when they are not living under your roof and waiting for the next meal (not to speak of all the emotional demands), and then you tend to treat them more as such. It doesn''t really matter if they''re home again for a good reason or a bad reason--the fact that they''re home just makes it feel like its all reverted backwards and its VERY HARD. I just want to be done with the mothering stage of life at this point--the grandmothering stage (where the babies are cute and then the parents take them away) looks WONDERFUL.

Sorry for the rant.

 

[Indylady]

I just realized there were more responses to this thread! I''m on my way out, but I''ll be back in a few hours. Just wanted to chime in!