MOTHERS!

[larussel03]

Ugh, my mom's mad at me even though I did NOTHING.

She messaged me saying that she felt bad but she was cancelling on my cousin (again, it's been 4 or 5 x now) b/c she was too busy to see her this weekend (she made up a story to get out of seeing her). All I wrote back was "aw, poor [cousin], you always cancel on her." She fires back with "Actually, I havent been well lately -- whatever" (she's had a rough past couple months, I'll give her that, but even way before that, she almost always cancels on her), so I just wrote back "I know, but even before...", and she just put up an away message.

So I just wrote "don't be mad at me, I didn't do anything" with a little frowny face but she didn't respond.

She hates being called out on anything, I can't tell you how much I walk on eggshells with what I say b/c I'm afraid she'll start a fight with me and get mad and yell and make it my fault, even if I try to gently point out that she's doing something that's not so nice. She'll bring up past things that you ever did wrong to her (even like HIGH SCHOOL) and if you make her slightly mad, she'll say such personally hurtful things especially to make you upset and I just can't handle it. She just attacks if she gets called out on doing something she shouldn't or if you disagree on something personal.

I'm not telling her what to do, it's her perogative, but she said she "felt bad" about blowing off my cousin. It's such a little thing but I know how she gets and something like this makes me sooo angry b/c I know she'll blow it out of proportion and it's really upsetting to me.

I'm just annoyed that something so small can blow up for no good reason. She'll prob turn this into something else and it'll escalate and in the end I'll have done something catastrophically wrong to her.

 

[krockie]

Your mom and mine should go get lunch. Then they can behave irrationally and freak out together about inconsequential things. Oy vey.

 

[larussel03]

Date: 2/1/2007 3:35:35 PM
Author: krockie
Your mom and mine should go get lunch. Then they can behave irrationally and freak out together about inconsequential things. Oy vey.

Yeah, she's freaked out so much at me in the past, yelling, saying I am the one who does things on purpose to hurt others when they disagree with me (um, hello?) and even threatening to kick me out of the house, all over "normal" arguements that mother and daughters have. Definately nothing THAT inflammatory, even my dad has noticed it. And she has lied and claimed I did or say things that I did not to beef up her arguement against me. So, that's why her getting mad at me over something seemingly small really scares me, and I tend to just not argue or do what she says b/c she'll just EXPLODE. (ETA: this is usually over personal things, the dress thing I don't think she'll explode about b/c I'm not "doing" anything to her or saying anythign bad about what she's doing...it's kind of all about her alot of the time, even in phone conversations, she'll talk and talk and then be like "OK I have to run" before I can say anything abuot what's going on with me).

Oh, the reason I posted this here is because she was going to take my cousin BM dress shopping when she backed out (everyone else has their deposits in , but my cousin was OOT at the time and it was the only time I could be there). We still have a month before when I'd like them ordered by, so I'm not trying to pressure her into taking her sooner, but it's just annoying and I'm sure frustrating for my cousin to not be able to rely on my mom taking her.

 

[zdrastvootya]

Here''s something I''ve been learning. Rather than having escalating arguments that include a hundred different incidents from the past and the 10 reasons why the other person is wrong, I try to cut things off with "I''ve said my piece, I''ll say no more on this." If I''m really getting ticked I add, "you''re free to disregard what I say", although that goes without saying, really. I guess this is for situations where it becomes clear you''re not going to change the other person''s mind. Depending on the person you''re dealing with, you may be saying this a lot.

Z.

 

[robbie3982]

I''m sorry

. Your mom sounds a lot like my dad. Any time he gets mad (which is MUCH less often since I moved out about a year ago) he brings up EVERYTHING I''ve ever done "wrong" in my entire life. He was constantly threatening to kick me out of the house when I lived there. Generally over really really stupid things.

 

[larussel03]

Date: 2/1/2007 4:46:47 PM
Author: zdrastvootya
Here''s something I''ve been learning. Rather than having escalating arguments that include a hundred different incidents from the past and the 10 reasons why the other person is wrong, I try to cut things off with ''I''ve said my piece, I''ll say no more on this.'' If I''m really getting ticked I add, ''you''re free to disregard what I say'', although that goes without saying, really. I guess this is for situations where it becomes clear you''re not going to change the other person''s mind. Depending on the person you''re dealing with, you may be saying this a lot.

Z.

That IS good advice, although I''ve tried and she challenges it, gets madder and acts as though I''m being condescending. There have been so many stupid arguements over words we''ve had where she''d just keep pushing me until I yelled then she''d turn it around. I learned a long time ago to not respond anymore to it, although I can gaurentee you she probably will not talk to me for a week. At least I don''t live with them anymore where she shoots me constant filthy looks and acts as though she''s disgusted by my presence.

I don''t take it personally, I know it''s her not me, but it just makes me anxious. There have been times where I wish I could write her off b/c she''s said awful things as I would a friend who did that to me, but you can''t write off your mom (at least if the issue is usually under control).

 

[dmamsquared]

Who says you can''t detach from the insanity? A psychologist friend of mine has a very appropriate classification: DNN
Definitely Not Normal. I lived with mental illness most of my life but never realized it because that was my only sense of normalcy. Mom has a diagnosis now and she takes medicine that seems to be working. But old habits are hard to break. Do yourself a favor, and give yourself some distance. You deserve better.

 

[larussel03]

Date: 2/1/2007 5:17:41 PM
Author: dmamsquared
Who says you can''t detach from the insanity? A psychologist friend of mine has a very appropriate classification: DNN
Definitely Not Normal. I lived with mental illness most of my life but never realized it because that was my only sense of normalcy. Mom has a diagnosis now and she takes medicine that seems to be working. But old habits are hard to break. Do yourself a favor, and give yourself some distance. You deserve better.

Thanks for the advice! I have noticed that since I''ve moved out it''s easier, but I try SO hard to not say anything that coudl possibly make her mad. I''ll never get her to see my point of view. Luckily I now live 1/2way across the country. I mean I do love her and growing up she really was a great mom, but once I got into the latter part of high school she just started maybe resenting me. I know she loves me and she calls me all the time (even though I dont talk much b/c she''s got drama going on with her friends or my dad''s "annoying" her) and she always is trying to buy me stuff, so I think that''s her way of showing she cares. I just hate how she attacks people so easily when she feels as though someone is calling her out.

I actually was becoming sort of like this at one point, always yelling at my ex and telling him that things weren''t good enough (not saying that, but that was pretty much the jist), then he called me out on it, and I realized that I was doing it to him. I didn''t even REALIZE for some reason that I was (in my mind) defending myself by hurting him. Things didn''t work out b/w us (he ended up being the crazy one, go figure

) but to this day I am calmer with people and I think about how my words can affect others b/c I don''t want to hurt anyone in that way, even if we''re fighting.

Anyways, it''s sort of a vent, but I''m just always paranoid that she''ll blow up at me and threaten to call off the wedding. Then there will be much drama, then she''ll "graciously give it back to me" and I''ve done so well avoiding that for a year. I know alot of people would say "pay for the wedding yourself" but my dad really wants to and I could have a smaller wedding and pay for it myself, but my mom and dad both really want this. Maybe I''m just overreacting and being paranoid and nothing like this will happen, but it''s always in the back of my mind.

 

[zdrastvootya]

This is such a huge topic. I could go on and on about it.

I can see how not speaking further would be seen as condescending, but really the other person won''t be satisfied until you say "you''re right, I''m wrong". If you stick with this, I think your mother may learn that it''s pointless to go on and on. Takes 2 to argue.

I find it weird how people spend so much effort defending a questionable behaviour, rather than just not doing that behaviour. Human nature I guess. I''m reading that "7 Habits" book and the one point really hits home: the happiest most fulfilled people are those that behave the best.

I think in ways we''re raised to exceed our parents, but there''s resentment when we actually do.

Ok, enough new-agey philosiphising.

Z.