Mother JEALOUS of my ring...?

[mogster]

Lately, my mother has been making disparaging remarks about my engagement ring and I can't help but get the distinct feeling that she's...jealous. When I first showed my parents, my father was really excited for me, whereas, my mother barely looked at it. Another time, I'd mentioned that the jeweler hadn't called me back about the resizing and she leapt to the conclusion that my ring was fake because I bought it online. And just last night, the topic came up again and she told me that she didn't think that my ring was nice. When I was able to collect my jaw off the ground and ask her why she didn't think it was nice and what specifically she didn't like about it, she said that my diamond wasn't as white as hers when she held them together (I gave my ring to her for safekeeping while on vacation with the expectation that she would keep it for me and NOT ENTER IT INTO AN ENGAGEMENT RING COMPETITION).

Now, objectively, I did my research and have no doubts that it's a nice ring. I'm just mostly APPALLED by her PETTY behavior and HORRIFIED that she's my mother from whom I inherited half of my genes. I don't want to take her dress shopping anymore lest I end up with a dress that is less white than hers was. Mothers are supposed to tell you that if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it at all. Mine, on the other hand.........................

 

[kelpie]

Wow. That's the last thing I'd expect from a mom. I think you are right about your assessment of the situation. No one should be saying their diamond is whiter that yours unless they're the diamond geeks here in an academic discussion. That's just sour grapes. I would mention to her how much joy your ring brings you and that you smile every time you look at it knowing that it's a beautiful token from your future husband .....and maybe at the rehearsal dinner gift her with a nice piece of jewelery to wear to the wedding. Sweetness is the best cure for sour grapes.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Wow. I'm so sorry! I can't believe she would say those things to you. Don't let her get to you, if you love your ring that is all that matters.

 

[amc80]

Sadly, that sounds like something my mom would do.

Trust your gut about the dress shopping. I was much more successful (and calm and happy) when I went without her.

 

[asymons412]

First of all, I stalked your posts, and your ring is stunning! There is nothing not lovely about it! And second... well, I think many (not all) mothers are frequently caught between happiness and jealousy when it comes to their daughters.

 

[centralsquare]

wow - I can't believe this. Well, I'd just feel sorry for her for whatever is going on with her that is making her act that way. Sympathy may be the only way to get through it!

 

[junebug17]

I'm the mother of a 22 year old woman, and I for one am very shocked and saddened by your mother's behavior. It's just wrong. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that a mother would deliberately try to make her daughter feel badly because she is jealous of something her daughter has. It's incomprehensible to me. I can't even imagine saying such things to my daughter. I want only the best for her. I hope when the time comes, she gets the ring of her dreams. I'm really sorry your mom doesn't feel the same way. She must be a very unhappy person.

I'm trying to come up with another reason why she would act like this. Is it possible she thinks the ring isn't "good enough" for you? That in her mind you should have received a "better" ring?

Her comments must be very hurtful to you. You could tell her how her comments make you feel, and then just ignore her from now on. it's a shame you have to deal with this.

Eta: I just checked out your ring, and it's gorgeous!!! I do have a thought though- it's an old mine cut, and so it may be different to your mom in terms of what she's used to. She may have been expecting a modern round brilliant, and that's why she's being so critical. again, I'm just trying to come up with some other explanations for how she's acting.

 

[violet3]

Sadly, that sounds like something my mom would do.

Trust your gut about the dress shopping. I was much more successful (and calm and happy) when I went without her.

ditto this!!!! +1 here - I had a rough time dress shopping with my mom. She acted like she wanted to go, then acted annoyed when we were there shopping. In the end, she didn't like the dress I chose and told me that it was unflattering and voiced her dislike for my pick even after I had purchased it. I picked it anyway and I loved it - still do. I had the most effective time shopping ALONE -- the salespeople didn't have any reason to give me anything but their honest opinions, and they didn't know me, which i loved.

Mothers can get so weird when their children grow up and become adults. it's also hard to realize that your parents are just people - sometimes petty and rediculous. I'm sorry that your mom is making you unhappy in such a wonderful, exciting time in your life. hugs.

 

[amc80]

Sadly, that sounds like something my mom would do.

Trust your gut about the dress shopping. I was much more successful (and calm and happy) when I went without her.

ditto this!!!! +1 here - I had a rough time dress shopping with my mom. She acted like she wanted to go, then acted annoyed when we were there shopping. In the end, she didn't like the dress I chose and told me that it was unflattering and voiced her dislike for my pick even after I had purchased it. I picked it anyway and I loved it - still do. I had the most effective time shopping ALONE -- the salespeople didn't have any reason to give me anything but their honest opinions, and they didn't know me, which i loved.

Mothers can get so weird when their children grow up and become adults. it's also hard to realize that your parents are just people - sometimes petty and rediculous. I'm sorry that your mom is making you unhappy in such a wonderful, exciting time in your life. hugs.

Yep. Sounds familiar. My mom also couldn't get it through her head that bridal stores generally only carry a few sizes of each dress. EVERY time I tried on a dress she would say "don't they have it in your size?" Um, no for the millionth time.

 

[swingirl]

Does your mom like your fiance? And approve of the marriage?

 

[beadchick]

swingirl...that's exactly what I was thinking.

Not to get all Freudian, but does she like your fiance? Are your parents traditional and he didn't ask dad's permission? Is she worried about wanting to help finance the wedding and money is tight? Did she always have thoughts of picking out your ring with your fiance to be?

The situation stinks, and your ring is GORGEOUS btw. But, I think you should sit down w/ her and have a talk about whether there is something else really going on. And, unless you all have the worst relationship on earth, you're gonna have to have her support (emotional) for the wedding planning process. You definitely want to clear the air sooner than later b/c this will really eat at you later.

 

[Amys Bling]

Wow, thats definitely rude, childish, and jealous talk. It sucks it came from your mom of people!

 

[Mayk]

Your ring is beautiful.... so sorry your mom hurt your feelings...

 

[SB621]

First off I ADORE your ring....it was the cushion micropave from ERD that I actually have saved in my inspiration folder of jewelry

I think you have pretty much sized up your mother. Though personally I think it was out of line to say your ring was fake because you bought it online....have you thought about asking her what her deal is? I won't say I have a confrontational personality but when something bugs me I usually tell the person and those comments would seriously tick me off.

As far as dress shopping. My mom and I are not very close- I love her and all but I know that when we spend time togehter feelings get hurt. I ended up going dress shopping with my MIL and my BFF, and had a fabulous time. I never even told my mom I went and when she asked about wedding stuff I told her I found a dress...end of story. She actually didn't even seem to care. Regardless of what happens do what works for you, but don't let your mom take away all the excitment for you!

 

[Amys Bling]

By the way I just looked back at a pic of your ring and it's seriously stunning!

 

[kellygold]

Mogster, the ring is GORGEOUS!!! And the cloud mobile proposal?! Adorable!

Like everyone else, I'm appalled at what your mother is saying. I can't imagine how hurtful this must be to you, when you just want to be able to celebrate with the people you love.

I haven't even officially started ring shopping yet, but my sister (who's been married for 7 years) has already criticized the ring style I like. It's not like she even knows anything about rings, but she's definitely jealous. She said something like "well, for us, we cared more about the true quality of the diamond than how big and gaudy it was." They got their ring from a mall jeweler. So, you know, "quality." Right.

Anyway, I think everyone has someone in their family/life who will butt in and say awkward, offensive things because they can't handle the attention being on someone else. It's just awful for you that that person is your mom.

My only advice would be to a) clearly tell her how much the ring means to you and that you'd appreciate her being happy for you and b) to make sure to give her a little extra attention as you start wedding planning. You might sit down with her and go through her old wedding pictures, complimenting the choices she made, her dress, etc. If she's feeling neglected or left out, then giving her props for little things along the way might help her feel involved and like her opinion is respected.

Good luck, and enjoy your stunning ring and new fiance!!

 

[mogster]

Thank you everyone for your insights and sympathy! I do feel better being able to write about it and to hear your thoughts.

I'm trying to come up with another reason why she would act like this. Is it possible she thinks the ring isn't "good enough" for you? That in her mind you should have received a "better" ring?

I've considered this, but my mother is very shameless and if this were the case, I think she would have been very vocal about what she thinks I should have gotten instead. Instead, it just feels like she's making mean comments about my ring. Budget-wise, my fiance was generous, albeit not imprudent (we plan to pay for our own wedding and buy a house eventually). My mother is pretty practical and so I can't imagine that she expected the budget for our ring to be more than what it was. And even if I had gotten a whiter diamond, I can see her criticizing something else.

Eta: I just checked out your ring, and it's gorgeous!!! I do have a thought though- it's an old mine cut, and so it may be different to your mom in terms of what she's used to. She may have been expecting a modern round brilliant, and that's why she's being so critical. again, I'm just trying to come up with some other explanations for how she's acting.

It could very well be that she just. does. not. like. my ring. It's difficult for me to relate to because I would never dislike someone's ring even though it's a different shape or style than what I'm familiar with and also because I've read enough about the 4Cs to understand that the C people prioritize are based on personal preferences. And even if I didn't like someone's ring, I wouldn't feel the need to tell them, so the question still remains why she would make such awful remarks without solicitation.

Does your mom like your fiance? And approve of the marriage?

She has not expressed otherwise. My fiance is a good person and has always been kind to her. He's the one who tells me that I still need to treat her with respect even when she's being petty. She has no reason to dislike him and, furthermore, has always made it a point not to interfere with my love life.

But, I think you should sit down w/ her and have a talk about whether there is something else really going on. And, unless you all have the worst relationship on earth, you're gonna have to have her support (emotional) for the wedding planning process. You definitely want to clear the air sooner than later b/c this will really eat at you later.

Months ago, when I showed her a wedding chocolate pie arrangement that I liked as an alternative to a wedding cake, she knocked the idea down and said that it looked like "feces." Most of my ideas have been met with negativity. I've told her explicitly that I didn't appreciate her negativity and stopped sharing my wedding ideas with her. I think she got it. She was quiet for a while and then the ring remarks started. I am a forgiving person and will let her participate in wedding planning if she can add positivity and value. At this point though, she adds more grief than anything else.

Mothers can get so weird when their children grow up and become adults. it's also hard to realize that your parents are just people - sometimes petty and rediculous. I'm sorry that your mom is making you unhappy in such a wonderful, exciting time in your life. hugs.

You have a really good point here. My mother is an extremely controlling person and has gotten her way my entire life by withholding money or a ride somewhere or something that I was looking forward to. In the past year, I've moved out, thus showing her that I don't need her and I think she resents this. I think if not jealousy, she's being passive-aggressive about the fact that she can't stomp her feet or hold something over me to make me include her in my wedding planning.

 

[mogster]

I can't even imagine saying such things to my daughter. I want only the best for her. I hope when the time comes, she gets the ring of her dreams. I'm really sorry your mom doesn't feel the same way. She must be a very unhappy person.

Yes!! My fiance and I keep scratching our heads because we can't imagine being anything but thrilled and incredibly happy for our future child(ren)!

I think you have pretty much sized up your mother. Though personally I think it was out of line to say your ring was fake because you bought it online....have you thought about asking her what her deal is? I won't say I have a confrontational personality but when something bugs me I usually tell the person and those comments would seriously tick me off.

I have not asked her about it, but will if it comes up again. I was so incredibly shocked and confused and hurt that I couldn't properly articulate my thoughts and I think she was equally shocked that I questioned her.

I would mention to her how much joy your ring brings you and that you smile every time you look at it knowing that it's a beautiful token from your future husband .....and maybe at the rehearsal dinner gift her with a nice piece of jewelery to wear to the wedding. Sweetness is the best cure for sour grapes.

My only advice would be to a) clearly tell her how much the ring means to you and that you'd appreciate her being happy for you and b) to make sure to give her a little extra attention as you start wedding planning. You might sit down with her and go through her old wedding pictures, complimenting the choices she made, her dress, etc. If she's feeling neglected or left out, then giving her props for little things along the way might help her feel involved and like her opinion is respected.

I think you're both very right, but it's just so hard to remember when someone has hurt your feelings. With my mother, it's either include her in the planning and accept that she will be very negative, or not include her at all. I just can't win.

 

[AmeliaG]

Hmm, sounds like you understandably don't want your mom in the planning process. Can you give her something non-planning related so she's not making major decisions but feels useful and you get some help? Maybe ask her to be the point person for guest logistics so the guests bug her with their questions rather than you. My sister did this with her destination wedding and mom really was a godsend. She got to play the family savior (tour guide was more like it ) and my sister didn't have to worry about stupid guest questions. Otherwise, my sister would have killed her.

Just manage the relationship so your mom can help you in the way that she can do best and steer her away from areas where she's liable to be critical and negative.

 

[beadchick]

Mogster,

Wow, this is WAY more than just the ring. The whole situation sounds just painful. I wish I knew what to say. Is this your mom's personality in general? Or just around this topic area? If this is HER, in general, then I kind of feel sorry for her. It must be awful to go through life like that being so miserable.

How is your dad? The rest of the family? Fiance's family? Are they excited and helping? I wish I could say that not involving mom in wedding planning is going to be helpful, I just kind of worry that you are going to spend your wedding day wondering if she's going to do something mean, say something spiteful, etc. Obviously, it would reflect poorly on her, and not you, but are you going to be able to enjoy your wedding day w/ all this going on?

I'm starting to wonder if you need to drag her into a family therapist's office STAT.

 

[that_someone_special]

She is being very petty.

I see your ring is a G VS2? Um please, that is WHITE!

She is being very mean and in this case, I agree she must be jealous because the alternative is that she is just being a B to her daughter and I hope that isn't the case.

I would ignore her, but if persists I would tell her to educate herself on diamonds before she talks anymore smack about yours.

 

[nkarma]

But, I think you should sit down w/ her and have a talk about whether there is something else really going on. And, unless you all have the worst relationship on earth, you're gonna have to have her support (emotional) for the wedding planning process. You definitely want to clear the air sooner than later b/c this will really eat at you later.

Months ago, when I showed her a wedding chocolate pie arrangement that I liked as an alternative to a wedding cake, she knocked the idea down and said that it looked like "feces." Most of my ideas have been met with negativity. I've told her explicitly that I didn't appreciate her negativity and stopped sharing my wedding ideas with her. I think she got it. She was quiet for a while and then the ring remarks started. I am a forgiving person and will let her participate in wedding planning if she can add positivity and value. At this point though, she adds more grief than anything else.

Mothers can get so weird when their children grow up and become adults. it's also hard to realize that your parents are just people - sometimes petty and rediculous. I'm sorry that your mom is making you unhappy in such a wonderful, exciting time in your life. hugs.

You have a really good point here. My mother is an extremely controlling person and has gotten her way my entire life by withholding money or a ride somewhere or something that I was looking forward to. In the past year, I've moved out, thus showing her that I don't need her and I think she resents this. I think if not jealousy, she's being passive-aggressive about the fact that she can't stomp her feet or hold something over me to make me include her in my wedding planning.[/quote]

Your mother sounds like my grandmother and mother to a lesser degree. Ergo, this reaction isn't surprising. She is just trying to keep her control over you. I would fully expect her behavior to continue with your wedding planning and for the rest of your life. It is great that you put your foot down and stopped going to her with stuff. I did the same thing and it worked out for the most part. There was a huge fight over the fact that she didn't know the flavor of the cake though it wasn't something I really even cared about which she knew.

Sorry you have a mother like this...continue to put your foot down and when she starts to say something degrading, change the subject, or cut her off completely. I find setting firm boundaries are best and have saved me from a lot of further heartache.

 

[jstarfireb]

Sadly, that sounds like something my mom would do.

Trust your gut about the dress shopping. I was much more successful (and calm and happy) when I went without her.

ditto this!!!! +1 here - I had a rough time dress shopping with my mom. She acted like she wanted to go, then acted annoyed when we were there shopping. In the end, she didn't like the dress I chose and told me that it was unflattering and voiced her dislike for my pick even after I had purchased it. I picked it anyway and I loved it - still do. I had the most effective time shopping ALONE -- the salespeople didn't have any reason to give me anything but their honest opinions, and they didn't know me, which i loved.

Mothers can get so weird when their children grow up and become adults. it's also hard to realize that your parents are just people - sometimes petty and rediculous. I'm sorry that your mom is making you unhappy in such a wonderful, exciting time in your life. hugs.

Dress shopping with my mom was a similar experience. I had a wonderful time dress shopping with my friends and bought a really nice dress that was simple, classic, highlighted the best parts of my figure, and expressed my personal sense of style. I then showed the dress to my mom, and she made a face and told me that it was unflattering and plain and looked more like a bridesmaid dress than a wedding dress (non-"weddingy" was exactly the look I was going for, but she made me feel like it wasn't good enough). She called my future husband to tell him what a horrible dress I had picked out, and she made me go back to David's Bridal and exchange it for a different one. The one I ended up with was pretty and looked really nice on me, but it was in my opinion too big and overdone, and the bottom line was that it wasn't my first choice. I actually cried as I was giving my original dress back to the salespeople during the exchange. And every time I see that dress in my pictures, I feel a pang of regret for not sticking to my guns.

Anyway, I think mothers get a little crazy during wedding planning. The things she said about your ring are pretty awful, but do your best not to let them get to you. I think you should keep her out of the rest of your wedding planning for your own sanity!

 

[iheartscience]

Wow, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Clearly it's not about the ring and more about your relationship with your mother. If I were you I would tell her how rude she is the next time she makes a negative comment about your ring.

I would also absolutely NOT include her in ANY of your wedding planning, dress shopping, etc. It sounds like you would just be asking for drama if you tried to include her again.

 

[marymm]

I am so sorry that your mom is being so critical about the ring... your ring is beautiful, a gorgeous classy style with a lovely white diamond -- my guess is that your mom is a deeply unhappy person who is confused/twisted enough to somehow get value out of being critical and negative -- sadly, there are many people like this -- they need to have control over people in their life and if they can't get the control through the usual ways (financial and/or emotional blackmail) then they resort to sabotage-type behavior hoping to knock others down to their bleak level. What helps me deal with someone like this (I have a close relative with these traits though not a parent) is that I see them as a pitiable creature, lacking in self-esteem and basically only capable of non-socially-acceptable behavior. I know most of what they say has no basis in reality and that they say things in order to get a rise out of me - I've kind of trained myself to view that as irrational, and it takes away the power and sting of their words (most of the time).

It is sad that it is your mother, and that you are having this experience now during such a happy time in your life -- thank goodness you have your FI and your dad, who sound like good people. I would agree with some of the other posters who suggest that you actually limit what you tell your mom about the wedding and your plans, and that you don't give her any responsibilities whatsoever to do with your wedding or your life for that matter. Regardless of the fact she is your mother, clearly she is unable to sort her own demons or to prioritize your happiness and best interests over her sense of jealousy or feelings of inadequacy. If it were me, I might try to grab a little more one-on-one time with your dad, so you two have an easier forum to freely and openly talk about your wedding in particular and just so you get some joyous feedback from one of your parents -- he too may be constrained and/or worried by your mom's behavior, especially if it is getting worse or if you are now the target.

 

[Verdy]

My goodness. I'm very sorry to hear about your situation with your mother! I saw your ring when you posted it before, and it is quite gorgeous, a G color is nearly icy white, I can't imagine how she could say that it's not 'white enough'. Sounds to me like there's a deeper problem in this, maybe she's not ready to let you go yet? - the prospect of marriage frightens some mothers who think that their sons/daughters will forget about them as soon as they get married and have kids. Has she always treated this way, or is it only now that you're beginning to do your wedding plans and have gotten engaged? If it's been going on since way before you even met your fiancé, I think it's safe to say that she has more issues with you than just the color of your diamond. Sit down with her and ask her WHY she's being so negative about your choices when you want her to be happy for you and your choices for you wedding. Or ask your father if she has mentioned anything to him your ring, plans, etc. I do hope you get this sorted out and that it doesn't affect your wedding in the end, I'd hate to be unhappy because my mother is being petty and childish!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Wow, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Clearly it's not about the ring and more about your relationship with your mother. If I were you I would tell her how rude she is the next time she makes a negative comment about your ring.

I would also absolutely NOT include her in ANY of your wedding planning, dress shopping, etc. It sounds like you would just be asking for drama if you tried to include her again.

Yep, I agree...it's not the ring, it's the relationship. Sorry you're mom hurt your feelings. My mom did the same thing. She held her ring up to mine and compared them and told me all the reasons her diamond was better than mine. FWIW, later she gave me her diamond and I had it set into a pendant and before it was weighed/appraised and it wasn't the same weight, color or clarity that she had told me, so take all with a grain of salt.

Anyway, beyond that, yeah, there's some issues going on. Either way, I wouldn't beat around the bush by telling her the remarks are hurtful b/c clearly she KNOWS they are. I'd tell her flat out to "knock it off!" She's acting childish and you need to respond to her with comment that states EXACTLY what you want her to do rather than tell her how you feel. You want the RESULT to be her stop saying negative comments, so be firm.

 

[mogster]

So my mother came over the other day and said that my ring looks a lot better now that it has been resized. I and walked away.

Clearly, the issue was not the ring itself, but something else. I've not asked her about it (nor do I care to at this point because it's not worth rehashing), but she has kind of "apologized" by repeatedly bringing me food offerings. I still think she was petty and her behavior inexcusable, and am debating hard about how to incorporate her in my wedding planning, if at all.

Thanks again everyone for the great advice. I really do wish that she could have been happy for me at such an otherwise joyous time in my life.

 

[centralsquare]

I'm so sorry...that is just really disappointing.

 

[Verdy]

Well at least it went from bad to better rather than bad to worse. Let's hope that it stays that way. IMHO, I think it's best that you exclude her from SOME of your wedding plans, it would be awful if she started the same kind of thing when you go to pick out your gown, shoes, jewelry, etc. However give her a place all her own, say, decorating the place where the reception will be held, and small things like that. Again, congratulations on your engagement and enjoy it to the fullest, best of luck to you in your wedding endeavors!