Mother=in-law battle

[jknapper]

I have an AGS Ideal 0 diamond - H&A, scoring a .9 on the HCA - its .46 ct. The issue is my future M-i-L knows about the ring, so she is bragging about her $3000 1 ct diamond which is supposedly flawless and best of the best. Which I suppose it could be, but the issue is I think I bought an awesome diamond, and m-i-l will downplay. However, I think a good demonstration of the quality is its brilliance/fire/sparkle. I notice when I look at the diamond, every/most facets reflect a rainbow color, which I'm guessing is a sign of good fire. Does anyone have any good suggestions that I can use to prove to m-i-l that it is a good diamond? I have the cert but that means nothing to her - and not that I'm trying to please m-i-l - but so far everything I ever own or buy is in her mind "not as good as I think it is"

 

[Tarams]

Not one I would normally respond to, but I feel for you!

JK, you do not have to "prove" anything to her. From a psychological stand point, she has an inferiority complex & is very unhappy (always saying that what she has "is better than", and looking for validation). But that's not your concern. I think the best way to handle this is to give her as little info about your purchase as possible. The price, the size, the specs, none of her business. Supplying it would only give her more ammo. Ofcourse she is going to see it (if she hasn't already), and will form her own opinions. (I just hope her daughter doesn't have to hear them!) And I highly doubt she has a 1ct flawless diamond for $3000., you know prices now too, so you know the truth! Whatever she says, I'd just say "that's nice" and let that be the end of it. She WILL give up.

This should be one of the happiest times in your life. Please don't let her get you down. Knowledge is power. Share your diamond knowledge with your fiance, let her know that she has a special diamond that you cared enough about to take the time to learn & chose the perfect one. I wouldn't bother getting into a debate with the woman. It will only be something else next time and she'll expect the another battle.

I hope you understand what I'm saying. This is really a psychological thing (going on with m-i-l), and should not be your problem.

 

[rsilvers]

An internally flawless 1 ct diamond is $14,000 and up if it has good color.

My mother showed me my grandmother's stone. She said that her friend works at a jewelry store and said that it was a flawless absolutely perfect diamond. I looked at it under my microscope. It was yellowish and had inclusions, two of which reached the surface. My mother said it was 1 ct. I measured the width and it was consistent with a .80 carat round. From her description I imagined it was worth over $10,000. After inspecting it,, I would say it was $1500 to $2500 at most. I later bumped into her friend who worked at the jewerly store and asked her if she remembered it. She said she never scoped it so she would not know much about it. She also tried to sell me a new LEO diamond and claimed the cut was superior to a 58 facet ideal cut, and said that 18K gold was too soft to make jewelry from. So basically, no one knows anything, and get used to it. Clearly your diamond is great and you can do what you want with that knowledge. The proper thing to do is not put down your MIL's stone.

 

[RubyBleu]

Dump your girl, and move to the mountains - the fact that you are even entertaining this question tells me that you are too young (not ready) to get married.

When the time is right, you'll never even have pause for thought about the mother in law or what she would or will think about your ring (or hers).

Marriage isn't about Mother in laws or the specs of a ring - it's about a lifelong commitment with a partner - if you want the marriage to succeed - think long and hard about the relationship both you and her have with her mother - and the relationship you want.

In that respect, marry your girl and move to the mountains with her. Her mom can always hear about how well you are doing through the occassional post-card.

RB

 

[Richard Sherwood]

Napper, if you don't want to be controlled and henpecked by your mother-in-law for your (her) entire life, start this relationship out right.

Smile, chuckle, and don't get into any one-upmanship matches with her. Do what you want to do with grace, class and charm. Be confident, and don't look to your mother-in-law for approval. Don't defend yourself, or explain your actions to her. Sidestep her attempts to extract personal information from you, and gently chide her when she attempts to barge into your private life and marriage.

If you don't begin to put a leash on this woman now, she will bedevil you until the day she dies, or breaks up your marriage.

Tarams & R both gave you great advice. Consider this the first day of your new life in asserting your manhood. Your mother-in-law and wife will both (eventually) respect your for it.

Rich, GG
Sarasota Gemological Laboratory

 

[Richard Sherwood]

Great advice from Ruby there as well.

 

[GiGi]

Hi jknapper,

Don't worry a thing about what your m-i-l thinks of your diamond. If diamond was purchased with pride, love and good intentions, then the diamond is priceless, no mater what any charts, appraisals, and certifications say.

Enjoy your future, not worry about it.

GiGi

 

[fire&ice]

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On 11/4/2002 12:50:50 AM

Napper, if you don't want to be controlled and henpecked by your mother-in-law for your (her) entire life, start this relationship out right.

Smile, chuckle, and don't get into any one-upmanship matches with her. Do what you want to do with grace, class and charm. Be confident, and don't look to your mother-in-law for approval. Don't defend yourself, or explain your actions to her. Sidestep her attempts to extract personal information from you, and gently chide her when she attempts to barge into your private life and marriage.

If you don't begin to put a leash on this woman now, she will bedevil you until the day she dies, or breaks up your marriage.

Tarams & R both gave you great advice. Consider this the first day of your new life in asserting your manhood. Your mother-in-law and wife will both (eventually) respect your for it.

Rich, GG
Sarasota Gemological Laboratory
----------------



I had to quote this again....GREAT ADVICE! Your relationship (or lack thereof) w/ your future mother-in-law develops VERY early on - advice from an old married broad (20 years).

Her claims about her ring are strickly about control. Rise above it and don't get into a pissing contest. Learn to pick your battles - and you WILL have one that needs to be won - just not this one.

Good luck. Grace, above all, goes a long way.

 

[Tarams]

Side bar - Kinda funny, but just a meaningless observation. On this site which is about diamonds, when a question is posted about diamonds, you can get many differences in opinion. A question which had nothing to do with diamonds, and everyone is in agreement!

 

[Richard Sherwood]

"Old married broad".

Heh heh heh. That's funny, Tarams.

 

[BigLou]

Everyone has given a lot of good advice but I'd like to add also. I'm just in a sharing mood.

As someone who is thinking of getting engaged soon (and I hope my gf doesn't know about this place) the truth is that if she loves you and wants to be with you then she will be happy with whatever you give her (as long as it's a diamond of course). Whether it be .3CT or 2CT it really won't matter to her. Of course saying that if she looks at it and says that mom has one bigger and better back away slowly and run for the door - she ain't the one.

Seriously though don't let the MIL get in the way of the life that two of you are trying to build together. Take the good advice of all of these experienced people and don't play the game. And of course if that fails just bump the old lady off.

 

[rsilvers]

And especially so since your diamond is an AGS0 well thought out stone. In other words, your GF should be happy not just because you gave it to her, but because it actually is a great and thoughful gift.

 

[jknapper]

Actually my gf would be happy with anything I give her,and doesn't care what mil thinks. I appreciate all the posts, and I am definatly not going to give any specs about the ring, because after reading everything on this website, 99% of the people asking about size know nothing about diamonds. Regarding mil, she doesn't get to see the ring until I propose on thanksgiving day - both our familys will be there, and at the end of the prayer, I'm going to incorporate the question. It will be a total suprise to her, and most of the people there so I really look forward to it. I'm thinking of ordering the ideal scope to show gf the arrow effect. Figured I've spent enough on the ring, might as well spend $25 more.

 

[Tarams]

I love the proposal idea! And I agree on ordering the scope, she should know how special her diamond is!
Good luck & let us know it goes!!!

Rich, I'm, not the "old married broad" (someone else posted that), but I sure feel like it sometimes!!!

 

[bingbongbug]

If the insecure old bat tries to flap at you about numbers on the diamond, I'd just smile and say that I'd carefully done all the research and chose a quality diamond that'll last the bride's whole life.

If she presses, I'd smile again and say that diamond numbers are all very dry stuff, and the important thing is that you have such a wonderful person to call your fiance.

If she struts like a peacock and flaunts her "flawless" $3000 diamond, I'd try not to laugh my behind off, and say that it was nice that she was so pleased with it.

Once bad blood seeps into a relationship with your inlaws, it's all but impossible to fix it. Take the high road and your wife-to-be will appreciate you all the more.

Imagine how you'd treat a mildly retarded child. Indulgent, gentle, and not too worried about the delusions they have. It's the perfect approach to inlaws.

 

[nineta]

Bingbongbug!! I love the thing with the 'slightly retarded child'.... beautiful! I have a sister in law similar to Jknapper's MIL. I'll start applying it as soon as I see her again...

 

[bingbongbug]

I'm glad it was helpful, Nineta! If nothing else, it should make interaction with your sister in law more amusing, envisioning her that way.

 

[Fast lane]

***Disclaimer****
I am in no way qualified to give you advice - I am young, a fool, only recently engaged and have absolutely wonderful parents and future inlaws; but you might be humored by at least the thought of vindictation.

I completely agree with all the other replies going to head to head with your m-i-l would be absolutely futile! Although In this modern day of enlightment, it seems horrid to not educate the confused. Of course you would never want to give the impression or even the inclination that you might know more than your m-i-l. But setting the stage for a little self discovery might be quite entertaining.

You mentioned that you are going to buy an ideal scope as possible m-i-l damage control. Bring it along on Thanksgiving day. Naturally after the meal all guys go off and start watching football, you could bring it out then and show/tell your new finace what she is looking at and why it makes her stone so firey brillant. You might just happen to leave it there and well you get the picture - Self Discovery is powerful, really powerful!

In truth - I doubt you have much to worry about. Your m-i-l is probably just in a not so subtle way trying to tell you that her daughter needs a quality diamond on her finger. By the second week of your engagement your m-i-l will be so caught up in myraid of wedding planning she wont have time to cluk two seconds about rings.

best of luck to you and enjoy the next couple of months they are quite exciting!