Mother Doesn't Know Best

[wakingdreams53]

My mother has sunk to a new low. She told me that SO is cheating on me-- and if he's not, he's close to doing it. She spouts this out after I clearly told her that I have her on speaker phone and I'm driving. Had to pull over for this one. I hung up on her and texted her saying that if she wants to have a relationship with me, she needs to know her place with this "advice." I'm all for doing "what's best," but she's crossed the line and it's really not best anymore. I told FI about this and he just shook his head. He made a very valid point that if he liked someone, he'd probably tell me -- he's generally too honest with me, so this wouldn't be out-of-character for him. Plus, I've never suspected anything, we live together and are in contact 24/7!

Last week I got tickets to a show for everyone-- mom, dad, sister, FI & me. This would be the first time we're all out together since the engagement. My mom offered to pick us up seeing as we're closer to the theater. She pulls up and horrified, I ask "Where's dad?" She apparently thought I only got 4 tickets and my father wasn't invited. She felt dumb and my father was now working and wouldn't make it in time anyway, so having an extra ticket, she called her friend who speaks very little English. We all watched the show and then went for lunch (matinee showing because I have a little sister). At lunch my mom spent 80% of the time speaking in her native tongue, so as to include her friend in conversation. Unfortunately, this completely distanced FI seeing as he does not speak the language. The next day she called and had the audacity to tell me that he was acting strange, wasn't friendly and wasn't participating in conversation. HOW THE HELL IS HE SUPPOSED TO IF ITS IN A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE?!?!?!? I made this point and she denied it and said that she was speaking English enough, but how could she not speak to her friend who wouldn't understand otherwise? Double standard, much?

After these two things, I quite simply think she's full of Sh*T. I think this is the moment when I realize that my mother's opinion is not always right. She's been pretty good at being right thus-far in my life, but these last two things have shown utter disregard towards me. She might think she's doing the right thing, but I'm now certain that she's wrong.

 

[TooPatient]

It is a hard discovery to make!

I think (most) mothers usually have the best of intentions, but that doesn't mean they are always correct. It sounds like your mom still has issues with your FI and is desperately trying to pull you apart.

Is there any possibility that she is correct in her accusations? Is it possible that she's seen him out somewhere or has other valid concerns? If not, then you've got to decide what you want to do.

You are NOT the only person to have a mother like that. There have been multiple threads in this section and the family section dedicated to the unpleasant behavior of mothers and mothers-in-law. I seem to remember a couple of people who (eventually) got to a reasonably healthy relationship, but most who had trouble earlier in the relationship only had more trouble later. (like when you have kids or have to tell her that you've chosen to not have kids)

As of right now, my mother is still not coming to our wedding because when she was "thinking about it" I told her (in the one and only call we've had in almost 2 months) that it would be a traditional Jewish wedding as FI and I are Jewish -- She doesn't like that. After some additional ranting about how horrible the whole thing would be and how very wrong I am on everything, we got off the phone and I haven't heard from her for over a week again. I doubt we'll have a good relationship in future. I'll probably try to keep some sort of relationship going for the benefit of my grandparents, but that will probably be as far as it goes.


Anyway....
I don't really have any advice to offer. It would be easy to say that you have to choose either her or your FI and then move on with your life but that isn't easy to do. Realistically, you will want to make your relationship with your family work AND your relationship with your FI. It is tricky. You'll have to talk with your FI and figure out what works best for you. In order to have your relationship with him work, he will have to know that your relationship with him comes FIRST. Period. That you may try to keep a connection with your family but at the end of the day you put your new family (you and him) ahead of all else.


Big hugs!
I'm always here to listen as you struggle to find what is right for you. (I'm going through the same sort of struggle right now so I definitely understand your pain!)

 

[SB621]

Sorry love I also had a falling out from my mother. HOwever my situation is a little different that my mother never showed me the time of day ever. So when I got married everything just boiled to a head. We rarely speak but at least we are at the point where we don't fight. We are civil but there is no love lost. Since having children she has been better about being part of our family...but i'm going off point.

What I mean to say is that when you get married you will start your own family and she can choose to be part of that or not. Try to not let her upset you. Mother's mean well but they too are human and make bad decisions. Hopefully in time you will come to a comfortable place, but don't push it if you or her aren't ready. I'm sorry she might miss your wedding but it might be best since she won't be there staring daggers at the groom.

 

[wakingdreams53]

Thanks for your replies and understanding TP & SB. It's tough and I don't want it to turn into a childish she-said-she-said, but she doesn't understand how much she hurt me.

TooPatient, there wouldn't be anywhere she would've seen him out with anyone. She's a "spiritual guide" of sorts and came to this conclusion because of his birth date as opposed to his actual path he's chosen in life. Hard to reason with someone reading from a book.
I'm so sorry your mom might not be coming to your wedding I can't imagine that. I know mine will come, but she's awaiting for it to fall apart before that day even arrives. She's passive aggressive like that -- says she doesn't see it working out, but would be happy for me if it does.

SB, that really sucks. I haven't always had the greatest relationship with her, but we've been getting along pretty amazingly until this. Now we can't have a normal conversation without her turning into "herself" and tactlessly spewing something unmeaningfully hurtful.