More best friend drama

[ImpatientOne]

Okay, so I previously posted about my best friend trying to rain on my parade. She gave me nothing but grief in the weeks leading up to my engagment: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/what-would-you-do-negativity-from-best-friend.54508/

Anyway, so now she's been dating this guy for about two months now. Apparently they went out this weekend and picked out a ring, and guess when she is scheduling her wedding???? - Six, yes SIX DAYS prior to mine

BTW, I am getting married in March, so this means she wll be getting married after dating this man for less than 4 months. We are going away to Hawaii to get married, so it's not like we'll be asking common friends to go to two weddings in a row, but still, it's the principal of it.

Uggggh! Am I overreacting or would you be upset too???

 

[galeteia]

I'd be more worried about her getting married to someone she hardly knows.

It reminds me of the drama around my roomate's brother's wedding. When he proposed to his longtime girlfriend and set their date, an older cousin suddenly got engaged to her off-again boyfriend and rushed through wedding planning in order to get married first. Nothing was ever said, but everyone knew she did it to be 'first' and to try to maximize her entitlement to the 'thunder'.

Two years later, they were divorced.

If I was in your shoes, I'd be seriously p*ssed if they were trying to poach friends from my wedding (let's call a spade a spade here, 'poach' is exactly the word for it) but since you said you're having a destination wedding and that's not going to be an issue, the closeness of your dates isn't a disaster...

But marrying a guy she's known for 4 months, just so she can get married before you? Can we get the red flag-waving brigade out here?

ETA: I seem to have forgotten to express that I'm sorry you're having to deal with this; no one should have this kind of sucker punch delivered in the midst of wedding stress.

If I were in your shoes, I would be very upset at the behaviour of this 'friend', from her attempts to 'rain on your parade' to her bizzare insta-marriage. I mean, you can 'know' you want to marry someone almost right away, but actually marrying them right away?

 

[poptart]

I would be more worried for her than upset. How upset can one really be in Hawaii, though? Lol! You should maybe suggest she takes a close look at her relationship before diving headfirst into a shallow pool!

*M*

 

[KimberlyH]

I think I might be headed towards no longer calling this person my "friend" but ditto the thoughts about having bigger concerns about the seemingly poor choice she is making. If there isn''t an issue with out of town guests feeling torn between two weddings, or anything of the sort, I would care a lot less about the date and a lot more about the choices she''s making.

 

[ImpatientOne]

Well of course my main concern is the fact that she is rushing to marry someone she barely knows! That's a given, but at this point there is nothing I can say to her as she's got her mind made up. She even made a point of telling me that the two of them both want to hurry up and get it over with before either one of them changes their minds

. I have mixed emotions - on one hand I am angry at her for trying to make this a race to the alter, but on the other hand I am sick with worry that she is making a huge mistake in not taking her time before taking such a life-altering step... She has never been married before and neither has he and they both just want to rush, rush, rush without planning.

I guess I will just bite my tongue and try to be there for her (unlike she was for me).

 

[galeteia]

Date: 1/29/2007 5:11:11 PM
Author: ImpatientOne
I guess I will [...] try to be there for her (unlike she was for me).

To paraphrase what Kimberly mentioned: why?

Sometimes I look at a similar choice a certain dear friend is making, and it is a struggle to keep my mouth shut and let her faceplant her way to wisdom. But at least she is there for me (when she is available) and I am grateful that she is.

But that doesn''t seem to be the case here. I do sympathize with your wish to be a supportive and caring friend, but a friendship is a two-way street, and this may be a time to step back and let her fully feel the consequences of her actions.

 

[Bunnifer]

Date: 1/29/2007 5:11:11 PM
Author: ImpatientOne
Well of course my main concern is the fact that she is rushing to marry someone she barely knows! That's a given, but at this point there is nothing I can say to her as she's got her mind made up. She even made a point of telling me that the two of them both want to hurry up and get it over with before either one of them changes their minds

. I have mixed emotions - on one hand I am angry at her for trying to make this a race to the alter, but on the other hand I am sick with worry that she is making a huge mistake in not taking her time before taking such a life-altering step... She has never been married before and neither has he and they both just want to rush, rush, rush without planning.


I guess I will just bite my tongue and try to be there for her (unlike she was for me).

Oh, ImpatientOne, this is such a sticky situation. On one hand, I can understand how you want to be there for her like you wish she were for you. On the other hand, if she is your best friend, I don't know that I could sit back and let her make a HUGE MISTAKE without saying anything.

What if they decide to get divorced somewhere down the line (

) and she blames you for not saying anything in the beginning? Granted, this would be completely juvenile, but I wouldn't put this past her given her current actions. Friendships (and especially best frienships) are supposed to be about honesty and support, among other things. IMO, I wouldn't be able to stay silent on this issue. Even if I can't stop someone from making a HUGE mistake (in Galatea's words "faceplant her way to wisdom"), that won't stop me from trying. If we ended up breaking the friendship, at least I know I stayed true to myself (and the friendship was probably doomed anyways.)

 

[janinegirly]

geesh, what is it with these girls/sisters trying to outdo brides by marrying earlier or on the same day? women "friends" really can be the worst enemies at times rather than supportive friends like they should be! that would make me SO mad. who is this guy by the way..probably not such a great guy.
i would give her a piece of my mind and then cut her out and just proceed with your wedding as usual. i''m sure your frineds already are planning on going to yours, so don''t worry. but i can understand being v. irritated!!

 

[decodelighted]

Oh man! Two months?? Four months?? 35? Six days before your wedding?? There is so much wrong with this picture it''s nearly COMICAL. Nearly. Mostly it''s tragic & sad.

Has she done things this impulsively before? Is she this "unbalanced" normally? I, admittedly judgementally, always assume these rushed scenarios are for people who can''t "hold it together" for long ... they have to strike while they''re still appealing to the other -- then the real them comes pouring out -- abusive, addicted, insane, recently paroled

... you get the picture.

Sadly - I don''t think there''s much you can do or say ... if you complain or try to "talk sense" into her, she''ll accuse you of being jealous & a bridezilla. She''s not thinking rationally & no amount of reason is gonna cut through her denial/delirium.

My advice: Proceed w/o her as much as possible & be there for her when she comes out on the otherside bruised either emotionally or physically, about 16 months from now (or sooner).

 

[ljmorgan]

Good lord, I wouldn''t worry about her. Your "best friend" gives you grief about getting engaged, and then wants to marry someone she''s known for four months, coincidentally 6 days before your wedding? Coincidence my butt, she''s no friend. Trust me, I''ve been through something similiar, and I understand!

 

[Mara]

Date: 1/29/2007 6:01:55 PM
Author: *Lindsey*
Good lord, I wouldn''t worry about her. Your ''best friend'' gives you grief about getting engaged, and then wants to marry someone she''s known for four months, coincidentally 6 days before your wedding? Coincidence my butt, she''s no friend. Trust me, I''ve been through something similiar, and I understand!

Haha my thoughts exactly!!! She''s not a best friend.

And I doubt her engagement will ever see a marriage date. Sad as that is!

 

[diamondfan]

I agree with G, her issues go way beyond getting married near your date...what is up with her even deciding to marry a man she barely knows? She might not even end up getting married at all, so it may all be moot!

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 1/29/2007 5:21:07 PM
Author: Galateia

Date: 1/29/2007 5:11:11 PM
Author: ImpatientOne
I guess I will [...] try to be there for her (unlike she was for me).

To paraphrase what Kimberly mentioned: why?

Sometimes I look at a similar choice a certain dear friend is making, and it is a struggle to keep my mouth shut and let her faceplant her way to wisdom. But at least she is there for me (when she is available) and I am grateful that she is.

But that doesn''t seem to be the case here. I do sympathize with your wish to be a supportive and caring friend, but a friendship is a two-way street, and this may be a time to step back and let her fully feel the consequences of her actions.

Thanks for the succinct expression of my thoughts! Sometimes I ramble, when I should just get to the point and you did so, perfectly.

When you start giving a whole lot more than you get out of a relationship it''s time to cut the cord, she''s taken more than her fair share.

 

[fatafelice]

Wow! I don''t even know what to say, other than perhaps it is time to seriously re-evaluate this friendship. I am sure you care about her, but this shows a complete lack of concern for your feelings; it seems quite a contrived dig at you. Who needs that?!

Plan your wedding and I am sure it will be wonderful!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 1/29/2007 6:27:13 PM
Author: Mara

Date: 1/29/2007 6:01:55 PM
Author: *Lindsey*
Good lord, I wouldn''t worry about her. Your ''best friend'' gives you grief about getting engaged, and then wants to marry someone she''s known for four months, coincidentally 6 days before your wedding? Coincidence my butt, she''s no friend. Trust me, I''ve been through something similiar, and I understand!

Haha my thoughts exactly!!! She''s not a best friend.

And I doubt her engagement will ever see a marriage date. Sad as that is!

Gotta agree here.....

Honestly, why even bother maintaining any relationship with such a person? If the only thing on her mind is one-upping you, doesn''t that tell you something?

 

[ChargerGrrl]

It astounds me how weddings bring out the worst in people! I had to cut ties with a close friend because the relationship became too one-sided. It just wasn''t worth it to me to keep trying to please her, when she kept letting me down.

This gal is only going to continue to bring you down. Cut the cord NOW and move on.

GOOD LUCK!

 

[ImpatientOne]

Well, here's the update

My friend called back last night to tell me that her bf officially proposed and the ring is now on her finger. I told her congrats, but also that I had a few things to get off my chest. I proceeded to tell her that she had not been very supportive of me and my relationship the past many months and that I was very hurt and had been biting my tongue rather than confront her. I told her that she had said a lot of hurtful and inappropriate things. Of course she immediately went on the defensive and said that she never said anything negative. I told her she needed to be quiet and let me speak my mind. I gave her detailed examples of the many negative, hurtful things she has said over the past several months. Naturally she said I took them out of context and I misunderstood her intent. I went on to ask her why she chose the date she did for her wedding - six days before mine, when she's known for the past several months that's when I was getting married. All she said was that HE chose that date, not her. It was obvious that she was not going to acknowledge her wrongdoing, so I just let it go. I have to say though, it was kind of liberating to finally stand up to her and get that off my chest (I know, I'm such a wimp!)

I thought about this friendship all night last night and all day today. It's just been eating away at me. To me it's a slap in the face for her to plan a wedding six days before mine to someone she has only known for two months, when she's known my wedding date for a whle now.

I don't think I can get beyond this. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I just feel so betrayed... She actually expects me to help her start planning and participate in her wedding festivities! I'm sorry to sound selfish, but I was planning my wedding first and my time and efforts right now are supposed to be about MY wedding and MY fiance!

I talked to another long-time friend tonight (who has met her several times before), and she reminded of something I had said to her when my fiance and I first started talking about marriage. I told friend #2 that I wouldn't put it past my best friend just to find some guy and marry him right away just to beat me to the alter. Friend #2 said tonight, "Boy, you sure called that one!" She couldn't believe my friend was doing this.

With all of the input I have gotten from you ladies here, plus some of my friends and coworkers, I have finally come to a decision on this friendship. I have decided that I am going to continue on with my wedding plans and not worry about her. When/if she calls me again, I am going to tell her that while I wish her all the best, I am sorry, but I need this time to focus on my upcoming wedding. I will tell her that I am unable to help her plan or partake in any of the festivities leading up to her wedding (shower, bachelorette party etc) as I will be busy with my own planning and festivities. I really want to convey to her that I feel she is really selfish to pick that date and that it is a slap in the face to me.

Maybe I'm not thinking straight, but at this point, the friendship is feeling pretty toxic to me. I don't need a friend who has so little care or concern for my feelings. At this point, I am not even sure I want to attend her wedding at all, but I will save that decision til later.

Thank you all for your advice and for listening! I feel better just being able to vent here, anonymously

 

[poptart]

Good job standing up for yourself! It''s liberating to know that you can really speak your mind. I''m sorry your friend turned out to be not such a great friend after all, but at least now you know. Best of luck with your wedding planning!

*M*

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 1/31/2007 12:11:21 AM
Author: ImpatientOne
the friendship is feeling pretty toxic to me. I don''t need a friend who has so little care or concern for my feelings.

Amen sister!

You''re NOT being selfish to continue planning & focusing on YOUR OWN wedding! And she DOES sound pretty toxic ... at the very least her BEHAVIOR is toxic.

Of course the "he picked the date" line is no legit excuse. Does she have no say? What''s the friggin rush?? WhatEVER.

Agree completely about steering clear of her & her drama & her humiliating, desperate scramble down the aisle.

 

[diamondfan]

She is clearly competetive. Denying and getting defensive with you when you were baring your soul just proves it, she is not interested in how you feel. So her intended picked the date? Is she from Stepford? Can she not say, Hey, my dear friend is getting married within 6 days of that date, so let''s come up with something else? And then she has the nerve to want your help when A: you need to focus rightly on YOU, and B: she has not been there for YOU? She has some nerve, I will give her that. Bottom line, not that you need to hear it, she is not a true friend. I do not know why, and maybe it will change, but you need to, as you seem to be, let it go and enjoy your time. I am seriously doubtful her marriage, if it even occurs, will last, and I am sure you will get an earful then, but boy, she is crying out for attention and you cannot answer her now, you have your own things to do!

 

[monarch64]

Impatient, I would just like to say that any so-called "friend" who would respond to your heartfelt concerns about the way she''s treated you in the past regarding your relationship/engagement/etc. in a defensive and negative way is not only immature, but NOT a good friend. It takes me a long, long time to reach a point with my good girl friends when i decide to have certain conversations with them and let them know if something''s been bothering me (I always want to mull things over in my mind and figure out if I''m in the wrong first), but when I have in the past (and I had a situation similar come up recently), my friends have always responded right back with care and concern for my feelings. Friendship is a two-way street, and if you can''t voice your concerns without them being met with a mature and civil attitude then what are you left with? Anxiety and anger, that''s what, and that is not a good friendship, imo. If I were you, I honestly would let this gal do her thing and not give it another second''s worry. She is digging a hole for herself in life and it''s not even fair for her to try to drag you into it. Ug. She sounds to me to be a toxic person and not someone I would choose to be friends with. sorry to hear you''re in this situation, and I hope things get better for you.

 

[ImpatientOne]

Thanks for all your kind words of support, ladies! Like you Monarch, it takes me a while to reach my breaking point and I tend to be one who takes my time and analyzes everything before calling somebody out! I don''t like to jump to hasty decisions and say something I might regret later.

I have spent too much engergy trying to maintain this friendship this past year. I am done. I will not be her doormat and I will not allow her to try to rain on my parade. I highly doubt at this point I will even attend her wedding, if it happens, as she has it scheduled it four days prior to us flying out to Hawaii for our wedding. I will need to be packing and attending to last minute details anyway...

Again, thanks for the support and words of wisdom

 

[gail013]

I guess I may be unpopular, but given the history between you two, I would go to the wedding if you can. It seems obvious that your friend is making a bad choice, and no doubt she may need your friendship in the months ahead. I can understand you are busy with your own wedding, but maybe you can find it in you to recognize she is not acting herself, and you can be the better friend and try to be supportive. I would not expect you to be fake or throw her a shower or any of that, but it is so sad when relationships end on this kind of note.

I had something similar happen with myself and a very good friend. We did not speak for years, and it was an awful feeling. I guess when and if you are ready to be friends again, you will know it. She is not acting anyting even close to a friend, but I would guess there is something else going on.

 

[bee*]

well done for standing up for yourself. You are definitely not being selfish. She hasnt supported you or your wedding plans and its rediculous that she has booked her wedding 6 days before yours. I would be really annoyed if my best friend did that

 

[TravelingGal]

She should go bowling with Ally''s sister. They''ll claw each other to death. Problem solved.

 

[ImpatientOne]

Date: 1/31/2007 5:34:47 PM
Author: TravelingGal
She should go bowling with Ally''s sister. They''ll claw each other to death. Problem solved.

ROFLMAO!!!!

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 1/31/2007 5:34:47 PM
Author: TravelingGal
She should go bowling with Ally''s sister. They''ll claw each other to death. Problem solved.

 

[FacetFire]

I think you are doing the right thing. When I got engaged after one of my friends, and we both wanted our weddings in the same season, I made sure to plan our wedding at least a month in advance of hers (and we don''t even share any guests besides each other), so that my FI and I could honeymoon and make it back in time to devote ourselves to their festivities. That''s what friends do. I would never plan a wedding six days before one of my friends (even a brand new friend). Friends just don''t do that. And, she said that HE picked the date? What is she, totally spineless? She can''t tell him that they need to do it earlier or later so as not to impose on you? That''s just sad. You are doing the right thing as far as I can tell...people like that just sap energy from people like you without ever giving back. That''s being a parasite, not a friend.

 

[janinegirly]

i agree with facet''s post (facet-you seem like such a great friend btw!)

impatient~i agree with everyone else that of course you did the right thing! and be thankful this came up now instead of during/after the wedding--who wants some friend/enemy so closely involved in your special day? I think ridding of her makes sense for the obvious reason of her being a lousy friend who enjoys sabatoging you (and takes advantage of your niceness)..but ALSO because she seems like she''s an unstable person. WHO marries after months of meeting someone? WHO is this guy..does he need a greencard or something? haha..