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Momma is panicking

autumngems

autumngems

Ideal_Rock
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Joined
Jul 24, 2003
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3,085
My daughter starts college part time this week, while she is going locally this year, I am panicking. She deals with depression/anxiety and a learning disability so I am scared she won't do well.
To make things worse her boyfriend leaves this week for school 1.5 hours away so she's dealing with that and starting a part-time job on Thursday.
I am panicking and have not sleep. She is my one and only and I worry about her so much.
 
It will be tough for her with so many changes, but she will make it. Some will probably be easier than you fear. The rest she will get through with you there to hug her and tell her it gets easier.

Make sure she has all her school books and supplies. That definitely cuts some stress!
 
I get it autumngems, I worry a lot about my kids too, being a mom can be nerve wracking. I remind myself that worrying isn't going to help and try to distract myself with other things. PS and shopping work well for me haha! I'm betting she's going to be ok - and if she needs help and support you'll be there for her. It's hard when our children have to start experiencing grown-up situations. As much as we'd love to we can't protect them from life and it's problems. I hate that but we as parents have to cope with it or we won't be any good to anybody. I was told by a therapist to be positive and supportive so that my kids feel confident in their abilities. Easier said than done sometimes but it does help. And I agree with TP, she'll probably handle some things better than you think.

Hang in there, and try not to stress out, it's only going to end up hurting your health. Sending hugs and support, everything is going to be ok!
 
I feel very unqualified to give advise and fear sounding cold but.....
You need to be brave for her if she senses your panic it will make it that much harder for her. When you see her you see a little girl but she is not and will surprise you with her strength and courage I think.
As hard as it is let her fly but be there to soften the landings when she lands.
There will be landings some better than others as she learns to soar.
There is an old saying, any landing you walk away from is a good one.
 
It's natural to worry, your child is always your child no matter how old they are.

Encourage and support her, and be there is she needs you, that's all you can do. I expect she will surprise you at how she copes with the changes, life is a journey and she's about to embark on a big one.
 
Yeah, I agree with Karl. I went through eating disorder therapy (intensive, all summer) right before I left for college, was only 17 still, and dealt with anxiety and depression that wasn't even being treated. My mother was CONSTANTLY calling me, and if she couldn't get ahold of me she would call around to my friends in a panic, looking for me. All I wanted was to finally have some autonomy and freedom. I chose a school that was farther away than a daily commute precisely because I knew if I went to the closest, Indiana University, she would have driven up every day. I wish I was exaggerating. Over the last couple decades she has gotten better, but now she stalks me on social media.

Bottom line: you gotta let go. She will find her way. Once my mother backed off a little bit, after an initial rough start to college, I took a break, then went back and worked part time, had my own apartment, a nice long-term boyfriend, and made the Dean's list consistently. My mom really fed my insecurities and anxiety by making me feel I couldn't be successful without her. That is just my experience; I don't know what your relationship is like between you and your daughter. She may not be as independent as I was.

Is she going to be living at home while she's attending classes? If so, then what is the difference between this and high school--that she also has a job now? If you are only worried about her academic performance, why not just hire tutors and stop panicking?
 
It's hard, I know. My first just graduated from college and did it in four years (whew!) But she chose a school all the way across the country. It was the right place for her, if not geographically for me. There I was taking my first born, ADHD, epileptic child to the other side of the world! But I did and she did. Lots of hiccups along the way, but last May, we did get to go there and watch her cross that stage to get that degree.

Now I get to do it all over again with daughter number 2, who starts next month (Quarter system, so they start later.)

Hang in there Momma, you can do this. Maybe we should start a thread for empty nesters?
 
Ag: First off, I'm so sorry you are feeling what you are feeling and going through this. I have two, and have gone through, shall we say, a lot with them and I completely understand the eggshells/anxiety/helplessness that goes with the territory. That said, while I'm a single Mom too, there is a huge difference between us, as she is your one and only. That has got to make it even more acutely felt. :(:blackeye:

With that caveat, I'll say what has worked for me. Both my boys have significant learning disabilities and one of them also has real issues with depression, anxiety and other (seemingly) debilitating conditions. So take a deep breath here - and let her succeed or stumble on her own. If she stumbles, do not swoop in to fix, but be there for her if she wants it. Let her learn to fix it. It is the single hardest thing I bet you will ever do in your life.

I strongly recommend you read "The Price of Privilege," by Madeline Levine. My take away from it was that my constant swooping in, cleaning up the messes, or rescuing my kids was unintentionally backfiring. In essence, I was keeping my kids from learning resilience and the ability to trust that they could handle what life throws at them. It also helped me to learn a lot about myself - that I was physically incapable of not jumping in to solve a problem - and inadvertently exacerbating the issues with my kids. This is not tough love. On the contrary, it is allowing them to build their resources and confidence with you as the safety net. The hardest thing I ever did was learn to sit idly by while they struggled. Talk about feeling like a loser of a mother! But the cool thing I saw over and over was that they rose to the challenge - maybe not right away, but always it worked out. I changed from being their manager to an advisor if they wanted it. Wow. Interestingly, when you step back and you do not try and solve their struggles or bail them out, they see it as "Mom knows I got this," and it is hugely self esteem boosting for them.

We went from drug addiction, suicide attempts, and nearly flunking out of high school (um, actually one did flunk out, lol) to drug recovery, 504 plans, and the epiphanies (in both boys) that they were super intelligent (as you know so well, something those with learning disabilities strongly doubt). They are both working and going to school, one at the local community college and one at UCLA. One is almost obsessive in his need to exercise to stave off anxiety and worry, and the other still struggles with it and is trying to come to terms with it. But both are firmly in charge of their lives and use me now more as a sounding board than a parent to solve things for them.

Sorry for the novel! I send big, motherly hugs to you. Just know that whatever happens, she's got it, and you will be there only if she needs you. ;)2 You will both get through this and learn. And Momma, I swear, what you are learning now is harder than anything...

I hope you take this with the good intention it is meant - I am not doubting your daughter's ability for a minute; on the contrary, it sounds like, given her disabilities, she is flourishing! Hats off to your strong, capable DD!
 
As I sit here sobbing I have to thank all of you. Your words have moved me.
I think I needed to hear each and every one of them and I can't thank you enough.

Tonight when she gets home I am going to talk to her and tell her that I know she is an adult and I have to trust and support her. I'm going to do my best to let her be that adult, without running in to help. Of course I will be there if she needs me, but I do tend run in and try to fix everything.
I pray she flourishes both educationally and emotionally, I know she's strong and maybe I have hampered that in the past by not being as positive and supportive as I could be so she is confident.
 
Did she get back together with her boyfriend?

Hopefully college will provide her with some much needed independence and time to figure herself out.
 
Autumn, a lot of good words and comment above, so I will go a little different. Please forgive me for being direct:

Let. Go. Now.

In reading your OP above, your daugher is FINE! She's advancing her education, she's going to have a part time job, she has a boyfriend! If she's potty trained, can eat on her own, and get places without getting run over, there's no problem with her. Regarding the "depression/anxiety," everybody works with those feelings during developmental progress (college, job, marriage, parenthood, etc). Your extreme reaction to her normal development is going to crush her if you don't stop it.

I'm 58 and my mom is 87. I haven't seen or spoken to her in 3 years. Because she wouldn't LET ME/MY FAMILY GO and couching her lack of boundaries/enmeshment as "worry" was how she rationalized her abusive behavior. I had to free myself and my family from her and I did.

Learn from my situation.

Let her go. *Your reaction* to being a parent is the problem here. My advice is to find a therapist and get started.
 
If you think you wouldn't know where to start with a therapist or how to get talking, print this thread and take it with you. It'll get the ball rolling.
 
Because here are the facts per your initial post:

Your daughter is successfully doing age-appropriate developmental work:
1. Higher education or training of some kind.
2. Gainfully employed.
3. Has a social life ("boyfriend").

She is becoming an adult, in other words. She's moving forward.

Having feelings that include being down, and some worry, are normal and functional. Big diff between depression and anxiety that would cause her to live at home with you, jobless, friendless/boyfriendless, no plans for the future (education/training). That is not her scenario so you would ask yourself how is being deeply concerned for her serving you and helping her in her quest to become an adult.
 
AG
You sound like my wife when DD#1 moved away to attend college at the age of 17... don't worry your DD will do great in school just give her a chance of being independent.
 
double post
 
triple post!
 
Ugh, my internet is spotty for some reason. My point was that my kids see all my defects, and don't ever doubt my ferocious love for them, just as your daughter never doubts yours. So you can be as "you" as you want, and your daughter know you, defects and all, and will carry away the love - who you are is not making her less confident!

So know that she will take steps, move forward and become more and more confident. She may occasionally have a stumble or misstep, but please don't take that on as some failing of yours! Sounds like she is pretty lucky. She has a bright future, has the empathy (I'm sure) that is built from tough stuff, and a Mama who clearly loves her to pieces. Lucky girl in my book!
 
HI AG:

Much success to your daughter as she enters post secondary education. And continued success to you as a her trusted support.

This is a big and fun time for you both. Congrats on this achievement!!!!

cheers--Sharon
 
PSAs emailed from one of my sisters-in-law, who recently retired as the coordinator of disability services for a New England college & from my son, who was tapped to serve as a tutor in several subjects at his college's campus learning center.
* If she hasn't already done so, she should pay a visit to her school's disability services center to find out the documentation she needs to provide to register for LD accommodation & find out what other assistance-resources are available, e.g., workshops. It is the students themselves who must self-identify; the fact that they had an IEP or 504 Plan in high school does not trigger an inquiry from the college (and may or may not be sufficient documentation for the college).

* If possible, she should sign up for tutoring at the beginning of the semester or shortly after classes start. Assuming that some sort of English (literature and/or composition a/k/a writing) course is a requirement of her first semester, that's the topic to aim for tutoring in, my son suggests. The biggest academic challenge for virtually every freshman, whether or not they have a LD, is time management because tests are less frequent & assignments have longer deadlines than is the high school norm. Working with the tutor can be a really useful tool in making that transition, and because the tutor is a college student, tutorees experience the setting of goals, reviewing work, etc., as a more fruitfully collaborative process than being "managed" by a parent ; - )

It won't be easy for you (I wrestled with this when my son was a high school freshman & had the wherewithal to tell me to back off), but I'm rooting for you to hold onto today's epiphany by hanging back, letting go. Racing in to "fix" things, hovering, fretting do convey that you think she's incompetent.

CHEERS to you both!
 
Autumn.. my son went to a college 1 hour away from our home, and I believe the first week he was there I lost 20lbs worrying and sick.. his roomate was a 6'6" black guy, a sweetheart and very good artist, but my son's interraction with blacks was none (although his high school had a majority asian student ratio).. WE worry, my kid did fine, he's friends with his freshman roomate (my son is almost 26 now).. I guess I could say to you that you are normal for a mother today.. we read so much scary stuff, I believe she will be fine, you are there to talk, assist and love. I send you huge hugs Mommy, I know the feeling, you won't know for sure for a month or so.. Just be supportive! she knows you love her very much.

Motherhood, dang it was SO MUCH HARDER than I thought it would be. :)

Peace!

autumngems said:
My daughter starts college part time this week, while she is going locally this year, I am panicking. She deals with depression/anxiety and a learning disability so I am scared she won't do well.
To make things worse her boyfriend leaves this week for school 1.5 hours away so she's dealing with that and starting a part-time job on Thursday.
I am panicking and have not sleep. She is my one and only and I worry about her so much.
Click to expand...
 
AG,

You probably already have this on your daughter's agenda but if you don't, it would be wise to put the bug in her ear to sign up with Students with Disabilities sooner than later. Their support services helped me a great deal while I was going to school. I have anxiety and bipolar disorder.

If she finds that she's beginning to slip, they might switch one of her classes to something that is less stressful. Then, next semester, she can try again. They also become her counselor and can help tailor her schedule in such a way that she can balance stress and school. They have additional services such as quiet testing areas and I was able to get all of my books set to computer/audio which helped a ton! She should get priority registration as well.

If she fails one semester, it won't be the worst thing in the world. AG, failure isn't the worst thing for our kids. They learn from it. I think it hurts us more than it hurts them. The secret is to be the island in the crashing sea. Their strong, safe place. We need to tell them that they can do this. We need to instill strength and faith in them because they are constantly looking to us for this message. If they see that we believe in them, they will believe in themselves.
 
Find out what support services are offered at the school. Academic and personal counselling. Also, they may have a buddy/mentor program for newbies?

My son is starting university in our hometown. He is 19 going on 14 in some ways. I've taken him to the campus a few times to familiarize him with the layout and just get a sense of the scale of the place. The week before he'll do some trial runs with the bus system. We'll find out about newbie orientation and whatever else they can provide.

Here's my thought...I'm worried as hell, but if something goes wrong, we'll parent through it and go to plan B. I can't hover parent him through this one - and it's high time. You've raised her well and she has the skills to do this. Let her show you what she's got. She knows you're there for her if/when you're needed.
 
Both of my daughters required the mental health resources available at their schools. Both took a LONG time to finish college. Both changed their minds a couple of times, about what they wanted to study. Both have ADHD. Basically, they were both past their mid twenties when they graduated from programs that they actually did love. Things like this are very common. One kept taking semesters off, and changed schools 3 times. The other did 3 years of university never settling on one major, quit, then did 3 years of college. She was misdiagnosed all those years with depression. It wasn't until she got her ADHD diagnosis and medication, that she was able to succeed. Sort of the same story with the other. You need to roll with the punches. Lots of kids choose the wrong major or direction, and change at some point, which adds on years. Be prepared. They fail classes for various reasons. Or they do great and end up top of their class (both daughters, yay). It's a journey. Good luck. ;))
 
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