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MIL not attending bridal shower?

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ilovethiswebsite

Brilliant_Rock
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So I have a pretty good relationship with my FI's family... I consider us pretty close... which is why I was shocked to find out that my FMIL can't attend my bridal shower. It's in 2 weeks in my home town, and she does live 6 hrs away... But I can't help but feel insulted... Is this normal? I mean I know the woman loves me and she apparently got me a really nice gift (which she gave my FI to give to me and asked me to bring it to the shower)... But still. Shouldn't she be there???
 

swingirl

Ideal_Rock
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Is transportation the reason? Is it because she does not want to drive 6 hours there and spend the night and drive 6 hours back? Are you taking into account her age, interest in driving long distances, health, work schedule, etc? Not everyone likes to travel. I wouldn''t take it personally. She just might not be up to traveling that far for a several hour event.
 

meresal

Ideal_Rock
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How long did she know about it before hand? Is anyone else from her town invited that she could ride/travel there with?

I''m sorry she can''t make it, but 6 hours away, I wouldn''t feel insulted. That''s along trip for one weekend.
 

ilovethiswebsite

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Date: 4/11/2009 10:11:08 PM
Author: swingirl
Is transportation the reason? Is it because she does not want to drive 6 hours there and spend the night and drive 6 hours back? Are you taking into account her age, interest in driving long distances, health, work schedule, etc? Not everyone likes to travel. I wouldn't take it personally. She just might not be up to traveling that far for a several hour event.
Ya I think the main reason is travel - Her husband usually drives (she can't really drive on her own), there are no direct flights, and the bus slow a** would take like 10 hrs.... So transportation is forsure the main reason... She is retired so it's not about work or anything... She definitely has the time... I think it just has to do with getting there...
 

ilovethiswebsite

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Date: 4/11/2009 10:11:59 PM
Author: meresal
How long did she know about it before hand? Is anyone else from her town invited that she could ride/travel there with?

I''m sorry she can''t make it, but 6 hours away, I wouldn''t feel insulted. That''s along trip for one weekend.
Yah you are probably right... I know that rationally but I am still kinda hurt. She knew about the shower for at least 1 month now. There is no one she could travel with cause all my friends/family live in my hometown and not hers...
 

KimberlyH

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Your hurt feelings are warranted, but it doesn''t mean she should be there. If you know she loves you and has sent a thoughtful gift ahead of time it sounds as though her reasons may be just that, reasons not excuses. I would be sad, then be thankful that you have a good relationship and let it go.
 

ilovethiswebsite

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Date: 4/11/2009 10:19:22 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Your hurt feelings are warranted, but it doesn''t mean she should be there. If you know she loves you and has sent a thoughtful gift ahead of time it sounds as though her reasons may be just that, reasons not excuses. I would be sad, then be thankful that you have a good relationship and let it go.
Thanks Kimberly- you are right. I just needed to hear that from a third party. Thank you.
 

meresal

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Date: 4/11/2009 10:17:40 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite




Date: 4/11/2009 10:11:59 PM
Author: meresal
How long did she know about it before hand? Is anyone else from her town invited that she could ride/travel there with?

I'm sorry she can't make it, but 6 hours away, I wouldn't feel insulted. That's along trip for one weekend.
Yah you are probably right... I know that rationally but I am still kinda hurt. She knew about the shower for at least 1 month now. There is no one she could travel with cause all my friends/family live in my hometown and not hers...
I know it's upsetting, but if she has no one to travel with it could actually be very dangerous for her to go by herself. Especially since she doesn't usually drive.

For example, I went on a road trip two weekends ago (I'm only 25)... it took me 4 hours to get there, and 7.5 to get back. I got a stomach virus in the one night I was there, and had to pull over 6 times driving back, a squad car actaully pulled over to see if i needed an ambulance. It was huge eye opener for me, and I am VERY used to driving by myself for multiple hours.

Has she expressed that she is sorry she won't be able to make it? Is there any way that she might be just as upset that she can't go?

ETA: One of my mom's friends is throwing a couples shower in my home town, and my FIL's will not be attending. They live 4 hours away from my home town.
 

KimberlyH

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Date: 4/11/2009 10:21:27 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite

Date: 4/11/2009 10:19:22 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Your hurt feelings are warranted, but it doesn''t mean she should be there. If you know she loves you and has sent a thoughtful gift ahead of time it sounds as though her reasons may be just that, reasons not excuses. I would be sad, then be thankful that you have a good relationship and let it go.
Thanks Kimberly- you are right. I just needed to hear that from a third party. Thank you.
My pleasure. I''m so sorry you''re disappointed she won''t be there. Relationships with inlaws can be so complicated, but having lost my MIL 6 months after our wedding and never having had the pleasure of meeting my FIL, I always tend to lean towards the side of softness when it comes to relationships with them as I would give anything to have them both be here and part of our life together, faults and all (my MIL could be quite difficult, but man did I adore her spunk!).

I hope your shower is wonderful, and perhaps you could call her afterwards to tell her about it, and express that you wish she had been able to attend as she was very much missed by you.
 

ilovethiswebsite

Brilliant_Rock
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Date: 4/11/2009 10:23:58 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 4/11/2009 10:17:40 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite


Date: 4/11/2009 10:11:59 PM
Author: meresal
How long did she know about it before hand? Is anyone else from her town invited that she could ride/travel there with?

I''m sorry she can''t make it, but 6 hours away, I wouldn''t feel insulted. That''s along trip for one weekend.
Yah you are probably right... I know that rationally but I am still kinda hurt. She knew about the shower for at least 1 month now. There is no one she could travel with cause all my friends/family live in my hometown and not hers...
I know it upsetting, but if she has no one to travel with it could actually be very dangerous for her to travel by herself. Especially since she doesnt usually drive.
For example, I went on a road trip two weekends ago... it took me 4 hours to get there, and 7.5 to get back. I got a stomach virus in the one night I was there, and had to pull over 6 times driving back, a squad car actaully pulled over to see if i needed an abulance. It was huge eye opener for me, and I am VERY used to driving by myself for multiple hours.

Has she expressed that she is sorry she won''t be able to make it. Is there any way that she might be just as upset that she can''t go?
Ya for sure. I would definitely feel like crap is she had to drive alone and/or something happened to the poor lady! I think she does feel badly but she hasn''t told me directly ... I know she has mentioned it to FI a few times. I honestly think she would have came if her husband was willing to drive or if there was an easier way for her to get here on her own. She was super cute and got me a gift and wrapped it up in super nice girly bridal shower type paper. I don''t know what she got me yet but I have a feeling she got me something super nice, likely because of how bad she felt about not coming. I think at the end of the day I totally understand why she can''t come, but I feel badly that she won''t be there cause she really is like my mother and we are pretty close...

It just sucks but the reality is, my FI is from one city, and I am from another (6 hrs apart) and we both live and are getting married in a 3rd city! So there are many people who can''t make it to our wedding, to my bridal shower, bachlorette, or his bachelor.
 

ilovethiswebsite

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Date: 4/11/2009 10:26:28 PM
Author: KimberlyH


Date: 4/11/2009 10:21:27 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite



Date: 4/11/2009 10:19:22 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Your hurt feelings are warranted, but it doesn't mean she should be there. If you know she loves you and has sent a thoughtful gift ahead of time it sounds as though her reasons may be just that, reasons not excuses. I would be sad, then be thankful that you have a good relationship and let it go.
Thanks Kimberly- you are right. I just needed to hear that from a third party. Thank you.
My pleasure. I'm so sorry you're disappointed she won't be there. Relationships with inlaws can be so complicated, but having lost my MIL 6 months after our wedding and never having had the pleasure of meeting my FIL, I always tend to lean towards the side of softness when it comes to relationships with them as I would give anything to have them both be here and part of our life together, faults and all (my MIL could be quite difficult, but man did I adore her spunk!).

I hope your shower is wonderful, and perhaps you could call her afterwards to tell her about it, and express that you wish she had been able to attend as she was very much missed by you.
Hi Kimberly,

I am so sorry you lost your MIL... I can appreciate your advice. You are right - you should cherish what you have (e.g a good relationship) and not worry about stupid little things, that in the grand scheme of things, aren't that meaningful in your life (e.g attendance at a bridal shower).
 

Camille

Shiny_Rock
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Mar 23, 2009
Messages
452
Date: 4/11/2009 10:20:06 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
Do FMIL''s usually attend bridal showers?
No, since the bridal shower is usually the braidsmaid''s thing. Most of the time we see FMIL and other family members attending and that''s totally OK but not required, they are already a big part of the wedding.
Please don''t feel bad, I''m sure she would love to be there.
 

AmberGretchen

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 6, 2005
Messages
7,770
My FMIL didn''t attend my bridal shower. Granted she lives far away (6 hr flight instead of drive), but I wasn''t insulted in the least. It sounds like you''ve gotten some good perspective from the ladies here, and I totally agree.
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,170
I can totally understand being disappointed that she can''t make it but I''d say it''s definitely the travelling that is stopping her coming. I wouldn''t be insulted, it''s probably just too long a trip for her to make by herself.
 

Lanie

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 20, 2008
Messages
1,793
Is this your only bridal shower? If so, I would feel hurt too, but as others said, you might not know the circumstances of her traveling out there.
 

ilovethiswebsite

Brilliant_Rock
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Date: 4/12/2009 12:44:52 PM
Author: Lanie
Is this your only bridal shower? If so, I would feel hurt too, but as others said, you might not know the circumstances of her traveling out there.
Yes, it''s my only bridal shower. My MOH is hosting it in my hometown (where I am from originally, and most of my bridemaids are from there as well). I have to travel 5 hrs to get there myself. FMIL would have to travel 6 hrs from her hometown. Anyway- I think I have the right to be disappointed as well but at the end of the day - there is nothing I can do. I am sure she feels crappy about it too.
 

Lanie

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
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Has your FI talked to her about it? Is there anyone that lives in her city that she could carpool with? Has she given you any explanation?

That sucks then if it''s your only shower. I wouldn''t read too much into it, but I know I would be hurt too.
 

PilsnPinkysMom

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 11, 2008
Messages
1,878
I have nothing to add to what the other ladies said...

But I hope you''re starting to feel better & I hope it doesn''t take away from your enjoyment of you bridal shower.
 

ilovethiswebsite

Brilliant_Rock
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Date: 4/12/2009 12:56:41 PM
Author: Lanie
Has your FI talked to her about it? Is there anyone that lives in her city that she could carpool with? Has she given you any explanation?

That sucks then if it''s your only shower. I wouldn''t read too much into it, but I know I would be hurt too.
Hi Lanie,

Well I have tried asking my FI why she can''t come but he gets pretty defensive and I don''t like putting him in the middle of it all. There is no one she can carpool with since she is coming from her hometown (where my FI grew up) and no one else from that city would be coming or is even invited. She hasn''t given me any explanation personally (she is a pretty shy and introverted person when it comes to feelings ...) but I know she has told FI she feels like crap about not being able to come. I don''t really feel comfortable asking her upfront why she can''t come cause I don''t want to make her feel worse than she already does. She was planning on coming originally but I think her husband (my FFIL) can''t drive her and they are also doing a lot of home renovations right now. At the end of the day there really isn''t a good excuse (i.e. work or time or other events) but it really comes down to transportation. I have no doubt that if she lived closer or in the same city she would be there 100%. I am sure she could have found a way (i.e. bus) is she really wanted to, but I can''t really hold that against her. It is a long trip. If she hadn''t gotten me a gift or anything I would be pretty pissed (not cause I want a gift but because that would be blowing off my shower all together). I think when she realized she couldn''t come she went out and bought me a gift cause she felt badly... Anyway - I am definitely hurt but what can you do. She is a really sweet woman and does a lot for me all the time... Since day one she has always welcomed me as a part of the family. She even told me I was the daughter she never had!
 

Anastasia

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2005
Messages
451
I think you most definitely have a right to feel disappointed, but you don''t have a right to be angry at her.

I''m not sure how old your fmil is, but a 6 hour drive is stressful for anyone. And I would never dream of asking her to take a bus 6 hours for a bridal shower.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with her. She probably feels awkward about talking about it to you. I would just mention to her that you are disappointed that she can''t attend, but realize that it would be difficult (and probably stressful) for her to attend.

A little understanding will go a long way in this situation.
 

ilovethiswebsite

Brilliant_Rock
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Date: 4/12/2009 1:27:50 PM
Author: Anastasia
I think you most definitely have a right to feel disappointed, but you don''t have a right to be angry at her.

I''m not sure how old your fmil is, but a 6 hour drive is stressful for anyone. And I would never dream of asking her to take a bus 6 hours for a bridal shower.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with her. She probably feels awkward about talking about it to you. I would just mention to her that you are disappointed that she can''t attend, but realize that it would be difficult (and probably stressful) for her to attend.

A little understanding will go a long way in this situation.
Hi Anastasia,

My FMIL is 60 years old. The drive is 6 hrs but the bus would take even longer (probably like 9-10 hrs cause of all the stops in the small towns in between)... It really is a long trip for anyone, let alone a lady her age.

I will definetly be telling her I was disappointed she couldn''t make it and leave it at that. I would never tell her I was upset or anything. I don''t even want to tell my FI...

Anyway thanks for letting me vent... Makes me feel better that others don''t think it''s abnormal or rude.
 

Anastasia

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2005
Messages
451
I think it is sweet that you are as disappointed as you are. I know that sounds wierd, but it is obvious that you really like her, and would like her to be there. At 60 years old, getting there would probably cause her so much stress that she couldn''t really enjoy it. It sounds like she is really disappointed too. I am looking forward to hearing what she got you. I don''t mean that in a materialistic sense, but I''m thinking it might be something of sentimental value.

It is nice that you have such a niice relationship with FI''s family. It sounds like your future together is off to a great start! Good Luck, enjoy your shower and know that she is there in spirit!
 
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