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Message in a Bottle (help which one should i use?)

Discussion in 'Proposal Ideas' started by BearMan, Mar 13, 2004.

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  1. BearMan
    Shiny_Rock

    Messages:
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    Feb 3, 2004
    by BearMan » Mar 13, 2004
    well I wasnt able to make this a poll but your responses are appreciated.....




    I am going to be putting a "POEM" in a BOTTLE that is sealed with a cork and have it so we find it on our normal sunday walk on the beach(having a friend baby sit it from a distance with camcorder in hand too).....




    Which one of the following should i put in the bottle??




    POEM #1


    From the Sun to the Moon


    and (should i just remove "and")


    The Sand to the Stars




    Like the sparkles of the stars


    on


    A clear summers night(or is "A moon lit night" better)




    It is you that I will Love


    For the rest of my life


    SPOKEN: WILL YOU MARRY ME




    POEM #2




    From the Sun to the Moon


    and The Sand to the Stars




    From Mercury to Venus


    and Earth to Mars




    Like the sparkles of the stars


    On a Moon lit night




    It is you that I will Love


    For the rest of my life


    SPOKEN: WILL YOU MARRY ME




    POEM #3




    From the Sun to the Moon


    The Sea to the Sky




    Like the sparkles of the stars


    On a clear summers night(or is "A moon lit night" better)




    It is you that I will Love


    For the rest of my life


    SPOKEN: WILL YOU MARRY ME






    POEM #4​


    A Sun rises so bright and beautifully


    Then sets so soothingly




    The Stars sparkles are ever so beautiful


    but nothing compares to my love for you




    The sun will rise for all eternity


    and end its days always setting in the west




    The stars will forever be wished upon


    making loved ones smile form ear to ear




    Just as my love for you is forever


    growing every second of every minute


    of every hour of every day


    From the first time we met


    and for the rest of eternity




    It is you that I want to be my forever


    I would be honored to be your forever too


    SPOKEN: WILL YOU MARRY ME






    Are there any glaring ERRORS or parts that dont read or sound right??




    Please your opinions are greatly appreciated.




    THANKS




    I EDITED AND ADDED IN POEM #2
     
  2. ClownFishFunk
    Shiny_Rock

    Messages:
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    Sep 18, 2003
    by ClownFishFunk » Mar 13, 2004
    I kind of conglomerated all your poems into one and came up with this:

    The sun will rise for all eternity,
    Every day setting in the west -
    And for each west-set sun to each moon-lit night,
    And from the sand to the soon-sparkling stars
    On a clear summers nightfall –
    The sun will set on you, that I will love,
    For the rest of my life.
    Spoken: Will you marry me?


    Okay, okay, it's been a dull day [​IMG]

    I don’t know how much you are willing to change from your original ideas, so if I had to pick one I’d go with the first, but I don’t like how the word ‘stars’ end a line two times in a row, that’s all I would change. Hope this helps – sounds like a great idea. [​IMG]
     
  3. BearMan
    Shiny_Rock

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    by BearMan » Mar 13, 2004


     
  4. ClownFishFunk
    Shiny_Rock

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    by ClownFishFunk » Mar 13, 2004
    it still sounds slightly repetitive to me, but its a lot better. Besides, who said a message in a bottle had to be perfect anyway? [​IMG]
     
  5. BearMan
    Shiny_Rock

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    Feb 3, 2004
    by BearMan » Mar 13, 2004


     
  6. icelady
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by icelady » Mar 14, 2004
    BearMan,

    I like poem number 3 with "moonlit night".

    It is simple and very sweet.

    Good luck![​IMG]
     
  7. BearMan
    Shiny_Rock

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    by BearMan » Mar 14, 2004


     
  8. ClownFishFunk
    Shiny_Rock

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    by ClownFishFunk » Mar 14, 2004
    I like either number 2 or 3 (with moon lit night in it)
     
  9. Buena Girl
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by Buena Girl » Mar 14, 2004
    I like Poem #2 a lot, but maybe you could rearrange line 3 so that less pauses/lines end with stars or mars.

    "Like the sparkles of the stars
    On a Moon lit night"

    Maybe change it to: "Like the stars twinkling(or sparkling?), On a Moon lit night"

    BTW, very romantic idea -> good luck!
     
  10. BearMan
    Shiny_Rock

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    Feb 3, 2004
    by BearMan » Mar 19, 2004
    Man the time just seems to be going so slow since i recd the ring!! I CANT WAIT




    So far I think I am going to use poem #2 as it is written now
     
  11. Kamuelamom
    Brilliant_Rock

    Messages:
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    by Kamuelamom » Mar 19, 2004
    Bearman, I like #2, but how about a couple of quickie adjustments:

    From the Sun to the Moon
    and the ocean to the Stars (fits the beach theme)

    From Mercury to Venus
    and Earth to Mars

    Like the sparkles of the sand (again, sounds beachy)
    On a Moon lit night

    It is you that I will Love
    For the rest of my life
    SPOKEN: WILL YOU MARRY ME?

    These are just my suggestions and I see where you are going with this. I think any of them, combined with the ring and the proposal will send her clear into orbit. Good luck and please keep us posted.
     
  12. Motoman
    Rough_Rock

    Messages:
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    Mar 2, 2004
    by Motoman » Mar 24, 2004
    I'm glad you liked the idea, I wish I could've used it myself, alas the GF already knows the story [​IMG] As to your other post, I like second version better...
     
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