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Maybe I just need someone to slap me hard and tell me to stop whining?

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Salix

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 24, 2008
Messages
39
Hey all,

I had an argument with my boyfriend today, and would love to get your wise perspectives. Please, if I am being a brat, tell me.

I am moving to a new city in a few months (sans boyfriend) to complete a rotation in a hospital for a year. This city is much larger than I am used to, and I do not know a single person in the city, and have only been there 3 times in my life. My boyfriend however, has relatives in the city and is pretty familiar with it.

My rotation in the hospital will determine whether I fail/graduate, so I am nervous and want to be prepared.

The fight started when I asked him what day we would be leaving. He has offered to drive down with me so we can move all of my stuff at once. I told him that I wanted 6 days before the start date of my clinical to give me time to scout out grocery stores/banks/dry cleaners/etc in the area, buy groceries, unpack, figure out bus routes blah blah. He told me that he doesn''t want to leave until 3 days before my clinical start date...because he wants to be in town to have dinner with his sister for her birthday. I can''t leave any earlier due to work commitments.

I like his sister, and I want them to celebrate, but he refuses to budge on the day. He wants to have dinner ON her birthday, not slightly before or after because "that''s how our family celebrates birthdays". He says 3 days is plenty of time to unpack all my stuff. He says I''m putting him in a tough place because he shouldn''t have to choose between his sister and me. He says that he''s already doing a lot for me and I shouldn''t be expecting so much from him.

Me? Well, I''m pretty pissed. It''s not like he''s my casual boyfriend. We''ve been together for 5 years, and have talked about marriage plans. Hell, we have a diamond. I feel like this clinical should matter more to him. My success means a career and money for a down payment on a house. I need more than 3 days to adjust! And yes, I think I will head down to the city by myself first, but I am hurt he doesn''t think I''m important enough to move a birthday dinner for.

Should I google map grocery stores and bus routes alone while telling myself I''m lucky he''s helping me move, period?

 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
I''ll probably be one of the few that says this, but yes, I think you''re being a brat.


3 days is enough to check out the basics. Yes, unpacking takes time, but you''ll manage little by little.

Your posts sounds like a lot of "me, me, me."

Whether you''re a casual girlfriend or a seriousl girlfriend, you''re still just a girlfriend. You''re not family. IMHO, family comes first before a girlfriend/boyfriend. I''m old school though, so you can tell me I''m crazy since I called you a brat.
When he puts that ring on your finger, I think that''s different.

And this clinical obviously must matter for him to offer to help you move down there. You can''t toss him a bone and let him celebrate his sister''s birthday?

He loves his sister, and they have family traditions. It''s not a crazy freaky tradition or anything, and I think you should be respectful of it.
 

PrincessLily2009

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jan 2, 2009
Messages
96
Well...I just know that when I moved to an unfamiliar city, 3 days would not have been enough. I WAS in school for healthcare, and I totally understand that you need to be settled before the clinical starts.

Has he always put his family first, or is this something new? If his family has always been a high priority, then I would say don''t take it personal and figure out how to do it without him. Now if he typically puts you before his family, then I would say your complaint is legit.

Is there a reason why you need him to go with you. Could you get someone else to help you?
 

risingsun

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 19, 2006
Messages
5,549
I agree with you. Three days is not enough to resettle your life and start your clinical rotation. My DH and I moved from NJ to VA due to his job relocation. We arrived on a Monday and I started my graduate program on Thursday. If I had been here on my own, I don''t think I would have ever caught up. I had decided to take a two-year accelerated program--I was obviously crazy--and I don''t think I came up for air since. I was hired by the hospital where I did my internship and started work immediately. If your FF can''t miss a birthday party to help you out, than I question his priorities. I would say the same thing if his sister need his help with such a relocation and he had to miss your birthday party. Geez, guy, buy a clue
 

swingirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 6, 2006
Messages
5,654
Well, for how many years of his life is your bf going to have to have dinner with his sister on her birthday??

But he's not coming with you any earlier and that's that. You ought to leave when you need to and if that is 6 days before your first day then I say go by yourself. At this point it is your career, your life and your future. Your bf does not see it as important as you do and that's understandable. He has different priorities.

How far away is the new city? It can't be too far if you are driving. Can't you make two trips?
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,170
I would agree with TGal. I think that 3 days is enough to get to know the area. I would be upset if I had to miss my sisters birthday also as we do something similar in our family. I''d go down by yourself 6 days before and start the unpacking and then he can go down 3 days before and you can scout out the area.
 

gwendolyn

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 4, 2007
Messages
6,770
Birthdays happen once a year. You''ll feel overwhelmed with the change and stress of your upcoming year regardless of how far in advance you move to the city; a few days is not going to make or break you.

Also, for what it''s worth, I moved to another country for grad school in September 2007 and had only a few hours with my boyfriend to help me settle in. Would I have preferred more time with him to help me settle (it''s his home country to which I moved)? Of course. But he had prior obligations, and I respected that.

Birthdays are important to many--not the days around birthdays, but birthdays themselves. I think you''re being unreasonable to expect him to change plans that are more than just casual. Just my opinion, though.
 

Rhea

Ideal_Rock
Premium
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Oct 20, 2007
Messages
6,263
I don''t think three days is enough time to get totally settled, but it''s enough time to learn the basics. The birthday is important in their family and you need to respect that. You can go down earlier and sort some stuff out on your own, your boyfriend doesn''t need to be there with you six days ahead of time. I don''t see this as having anything to do with him being a serious boyfriend or not. My husband would happily tell me to quit whinning, that there was plenty of time to get settled if something similar happened on his grandmother''s birthday. He''s making a compromise, three days is a lot to give, where''s the compromise on your end?
 

makemepretty

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 26, 2004
Messages
987
Yes, you''re being completely selfish. A birthday comes once a year and celebrating on a different day just does NOT feel the same. It''s sweet he''s taking his sister out. You sound like you''re trying to make him pick you over his family, honestly. Three days, if he''s taking you, sounds like a nice compromise. If you don''t feel that''s enough time you could go down by yourself. When someone does you a favor, you shouldn''t throw a temper tantrum because you aren''t getting your way, remember...it''s a FAVOR. Even if that'' person is your significant other. Appreciate the kindness, don''t try to control it.
 

makemepretty

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
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Messages
987
I hope my reply didn''t sound as harsh as it did when I just reread it. Sometimes you can''t hear the persons tone in typed form. Your guy sounds like a very sweet soul. He''s trying to do both things to make the women in his life happy. He''s a keeper :) Plus, you''ll want your future sil to think kindly of you too. Hope your trip/move goes smoothly.
 

Loves Vintage

Ideal_Rock
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4,563
Wow. I don't think you're being unreasonable, at all. I guess some people place higher significance on birthdays than we do. True, birthdays happen only once a year, but they do happen EVERY YEAR. In my family, dinner within the week (before or after) the birthday is sufficient. Maybe we don't have all of the details here? For example, if your BF is her only remaining close family, and she doesn't have anyone else to spend time with on her birthday, then that is probably the only case where I would be more understanding of his point of view.

I'm sorry that you've been upset by this. Although it would have been nice to have his support, I am sure you will be fine going down earlier on your own. Good luck with your rotation!!
 

LaraOnline

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Messages
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I don''t know anything about internship (if that''s what the term is for the type of on-site study you are doing now), but I assume it would be pretty rigourous, intellectually and emotinally - and physically as well!

I think moving to a new city can in fact be quite displacing, in a way that few people can really appreciate. When I look back at my uni days, in retrospect it was psychologically weird to move to an unfamiliar city from a small country town (even though I was looking forward to it), change my lifestyle completely, find a place to live and adjust to ... the whole deal.

I don''t think anybody really thought about just how ... bizarre.. the whole move could be. I went up with my DH and his brother (we were just spotty friends at that stage lol), and found me a suitable flat. Then my mum drove a trailer up with my stuff two days before class started, and that was that. I watched her tail-lights drive away the day before class started and I felt...disoriented.

That sense of disorientation stayed with me for months and months....

I''m sure that you in your own situation will not have the psychological space to indulge in such isolating mind games. Your demanding study and physical hours on the job will mean you are totally immersed, very quickly.

However, it would be good to have a strong emotional support in the days leading up to, and probably the first week or two into your course. What is your accommodation like? Are you rooming with a friend?

Could your mum come with you, and stay? Will your bf stay on, or be returning to his own place on the very first day of your class? Will any friends or relatives be visiting regularly?

If nothing else, your bf''s reluctance to move his sister''s birthday shows some family dynamic that is not accepting of your needs,a s you perceive them, coming first in the list of competing priorities.

You have begun planning a marriage and a life together, and it could seem sensible to a lot of people for your man to be really active in his support for your endeavour. As you say, it is an important step for your financial lives together.

It could possibly be that you, your bf and/or perhaps his sister are still seeing each other or yourselves to be ''quite young'' and so your relationship is not quite as settled or serious as you would prefer to think.

On the other hand, and very likely, your bf could just be like your mum and me, and not realise how destabilising and challenging a move could be. If you''ve always ''been a winner'', he may just expect you to cope, and in fact to perform well.

If this adventure is your own, you must own it, and I would look at drawing the fullest amount of support and strength from wherever you can muster it. A sister, a great friend. Your mum... and your boyfriend.

Let it slide with him for now, your studies must come first. Get your cheer squad together, and deal with the boyfriend (if he needs to be dealt with) from a position of strength, a little further down the track.

All the best with your studies! Only one more year to go, right?!
 

havernell

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 10, 2006
Messages
571
Could your boyfriend help move you to your new city six days in advance, stay with you a day or two, and then go back home to celebrate his sister''s birthday?
 

LostSapphire

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Messages
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Date: 4/19/2009 9:52:26 AM
Author: havernell
Could your boyfriend help move you to your new city six days in advance, stay with you a day or two, and then go back home to celebrate his sister's birthday?
DITTO. AND, go for *points*: find a way to come back to celebrate her birthday together with him?


If you feel you need more than 3 days, then you need to find a way to get that. For me, 3 days would be a bit short. But please don't try to get what YOU need by forcing him to compromise on something that HE needs to do. You can get both, but it will require some creative thinking. It may even involve him taking you down early and leaving you alone to do your unpacking.

LS
 

Treasure43

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2009
Messages
655
Date: 4/19/2009 7:50:21 AM
Author: Loves Vintage
Wow. I don''t think you''re being unreasonable, at all. I guess some people place higher significance on birthdays than we do. True, birthdays happen only once a year, but they do happen EVERY YEAR. In my family, dinner within the week (before or after) the birthday is sufficient. Maybe we don''t have all of the details here? For example, if your BF is her only remaining close family, and she doesn''t have anyone else to spend time with on her birthday, then that is probably the only case where I would be more understanding of his point of view.

I''m sorry that you''ve been upset by this. Although it would have been nice to have his support, I am sure you will be fine going down earlier on your own. Good luck with your rotation!!
I agree a bit with lovesvintage. My family is similar to yours where sometime within the week is fine. Actually, since I''m now living 9 hours from my family, we sometimes combo all the summer birthdays into one. Birthdays AND family are important. If it''s a family tradition that everyone has a birthday dinner with the family on that day then you should respect that tradtion. However, I don''t think you''re selfish at all. If you''ve been together for 5 years and have a diamond then I can see where you might have expected him to have a birthday dinner on a different date, but he doesn''t seem willing to do that. You don''t want him or her to resent you so I''d say go down early yourself. I 1000% agree about needing time to get acclimated to a new place. As someone who gets lost VERY easily, I don''t think 6 days is at all unreasonable. You want to be comfortable and settled before you start this program. Starting a programis intense enough without feeling like you''re still moving in/figuring out where things are.
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 15, 2006
Messages
7,485
I can understand why you would want him to go with you when you want him to, but it sounds like that''s not going to happen, so go when you think it''s best for you and he can meet up with you later. If he wasn''t familiar with the city you''d have to figure it out by yourself anyways. While he''s there he can show you what he knows, but you can spend the days prior to his arrival setting up your home the way you want it and mentally preparing for what''s to come without distraction. I''m a loner and would actually prefer it be that way so that when he went home I would feel confident that I could navigate the city without his help.

I don''t think you''re totally selfish, just feeling nervous and aprehensive, but I do understand why he wants to spend his sisters'' birthday with her and I don''t think he''s wrong.
 

purrfectpear

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 31, 2008
Messages
4,079
Which cheek would you like smacked first?


If you want a successful life you need to be less insecure.

1. Three days is plenty.
2. If you still think it''s not, then get your own self down there earlier.
3. Stop depending on others for your security. You should be self sufficient.
4. If you really believe that the success or failure of your rotation depends on grocery stores or dry cleaning, I''m worried for you.
 

justjill

Rough_Rock
Joined
Feb 22, 2009
Messages
23
I moved to a different country (with a 6 hour time difference) 2 days before my school started. It was tough but I managed just fine. You are not going to feel that different with having a couple of extra days under your belt, trust me

Is it possible for you to move the 6 days earlier and have him come when he is done with seeing his sister? Maybe he can bring the remainder of your things then?
 

neatfreak

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 17, 2007
Messages
14,167
I''m with you that three days isn''t enough for me to get settled before starting something big. But at the same time I understand where he is coming from wanting to celebrate with his sister on her birthday.

I think you need to figure out a way to compromise on this. Maybe go down by yourself first and have him join you- or maybe he can stay with you for those three days and help you unpack so you have more time to figure things out? There are ways around this I am sure.
 

purselover

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Joined
Sep 20, 2008
Messages
2,066
Date: 4/19/2009 10:51:26 AM
Author: LostSapphire
Date: 4/19/2009 9:52:26 AM

Author: havernell

Could your boyfriend help move you to your new city six days in advance, stay with you a day or two, and then go back home to celebrate his sister''s birthday?
DITTO. AND, go for *points*: find a way to come back to celebrate her birthday together with him?



If you feel you need more than 3 days, then you need to find a way to get that. For me, 3 days would be a bit short. But please don''t try to get what YOU need by forcing him to compromise on something that HE needs to do. You can get both, but it will require some creative thinking. It may even involve him taking you down early and leaving you alone to do your unpacking.


LS
I agree I think you should find a way for you both to celebrate her birthday, if you''re talking about getting married you should make an effort to go to family events.
 

gryffindor

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Nov 21, 2008
Messages
156
I wish when I moved for residency that my BF had helped me move or even made a trip to see me in the first few weeks to help get settled. He wasn't so committed or concerned and my situation was similar to yours - this residency will let us have the lifestyle and job security for our future. In the end, my dad did the 14 hour drive with me because if you can't depend on the family who loves you, then who can you count on? If it's a tradition and you and your BF are so close, then why aren't you invited to the sister's b-day dinner too? I loathed some of my BF's family traditions before, but now that he's my FI, I am finding them more fun to attend especially since he is participating in mine. How far of a move are we talking? How busy is your internship? My residency is not that busy so I had plenty of down time on the weekends to grocery shop and look for dry cleaners. The BF and I were LDR at that point so he wasn't around unless I left town to fly to go see him. I would have been bored to tears if I had gotten here 6 days earlier and was sitting around in my apartment alone and work hadn't started yet. I am bored on the weekends, even today as I sit home in the rain, eat soggy pizza, and browse PS.
 

Salix

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 24, 2008
Messages
39
Wow, thanks for all your responses guys. I appreciate the honesty.

I don''t think I was too clear when I was typing out my problem. I re read it, and realized that I didn''t really explain my position. Yes, the post sounded "me, me, me, me" because I was writing it from my perspective.

Firstly, I one of the reasons why I suggested he move the celebration was so I could help host or throw a birthday dinner for his sister before I left. His sister and I get along great and I would have loved to help plan a party. He refused because it wouldn''t be on her birthday, but a few days before. I would LIKE 6 days ideally to settle in, but in the ideal world, candy would be a food group. I was willing to push back my move date a couple of days or so, but he wouldn''t budge. The city is 6/7 hours away, so it''d be more like 2.5 days if you factor in the driving time on that day. I swear, I''m trying to compromise.

To the poster who asked about the family situation. No, he''s not her only family. They have a large and close family that I adore. I don''t live anywhere near my family, so they won''t be helping me move.

And TGal, that stung a bit. We''ve been talking marriage for a while now, and are not enaged yet because we don''t want a long engagement. (He''ll pop the question a little closer to our wedding date with the ring we already have) For all intents and purposes I am his fiance, not just a gf. Would your answer have been different if he was my FI/DH?

I should probably have mentioned that last year, he missed my birthday to drive down his sister to the same city where she was completing a pharmacy rotation for 2 months. No, I wasn''t mad he missed my birthday. His entire family drove down a week before to help her get settled in which was sweet, and makes me wish my own family would be able to do so.

Argh, I guess I just don''t feel very important in his life sometimes.

And, we had a huge talk. He apologized and said that sometimes it''s hard to remember to make me a priority when it has just been him and his family for so long. He agreed to move the dinner up a few days.
 

Treasure43

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2009
Messages
655
Date: 4/19/2009 3:20:41 PM
Author: Salix
Wow, thanks for all your responses guys. I appreciate the honesty.

I don't think I was too clear when I was typing out my problem. I re read it, and realized that I didn't really explain my position. Yes, the post sounded 'me, me, me, me' because I was writing it from my perspective.

Firstly, I one of the reasons why I suggested he move the celebration was so I could help host or throw a birthday dinner for his sister before I left. His sister and I get along great and I would have loved to help plan a party. He refused because it wouldn't be on her birthday, but a few days before. I would LIKE 6 days ideally to settle in, but in the ideal world, candy would be a food group. I was willing to push back my move date a couple of days or so, but he wouldn't budge. The city is 6/7 hours away, so it'd be more like 2.5 days if you factor in the driving time on that day. I swear, I'm trying to compromise.

To the poster who asked about the family situation. No, he's not her only family. They have a large and close family that I adore. I don't live anywhere near my family, so they won't be helping me move.

And TGal, that stung a bit. We've been talking marriage for a while now, and are not enaged yet because we don't want a long engagement. (He'll pop the question a little closer to our wedding date with the ring we already have) For all intents and purposes I am his fiance, not just a gf. Would your answer have been different if he was my FI/DH?

I should probably have mentioned that last year, he missed my birthday to drive down his sister to the same city where she was completing a pharmacy rotation for 2 months. No, I wasn't mad he missed my birthday. His entire family drove down a week before to help her get settled in which was sweet, and makes me wish my own family would be able to do so.

Argh, I guess I just don't feel very important in his life sometimes.

And, we had a huge talk. He apologized and said that sometimes it's hard to remember to make me a priority when it has just been him and his family for so long. He agreed to move the dinner up a few days.
I'm so glad to hear that you talked to him and explained to him how you felt. My family is very far away and my FF is very close. My FF is also very close to his family like yours is andhe had trouble finding a balance between everything before we sat down and had a long talk. I can see where it might be tough that your family is so far away and you felt like the man you plan to marry wasn't making you as much of a prority as you'd have liked. I also think it was super sweet of you to want him to move the date up to help him plan a party and be involved in the celebration. In THAT case, it makes a lot more sense why you wanted him to move the dinner up. I'm glad he agreed and that all is well :)


As for not feeling as important in his life as you'd like, I'd try to figure out what makes you feel that way and then have a calm talk with him. He may not even realize he is making you feel this way and will likely want to figure out some sort of solution. Not talking about things only leads to resentment, as they say communication is key. It seems like you communication well with your BF and that's great! :)
 

Feralpenchant

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 12, 2009
Messages
427
Date: 4/19/2009 12:39:39 AM
Author:Salix

Should I google map grocery stores and bus routes alone while telling myself I''m lucky he''s helping me move, period?


^^^^^ Yes.
 

CNOS128

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 28, 2008
Messages
2,700
I guess maybe I'm weird, but I think that just because he's not excited about helping you move and settle in doesn't mean your career isn't important to him. You can expect him to be supportive, which it seems like he's doing by helping you move in the first place -- but at the same time since he's going out of his way to help you, perhaps you can't dictate the time line.
It's no fun to move -- it's certainly not fun to help someone else move all their stuff. Plus, you're moving further away from him. You can't expect him to be excited about all of this.

What's more concerning is that he doesn't want to have to choose between you and his sister, yet he chose his sister when it was your birthday. I understand why that makes you feel like you're not important. It shouldn't be hard for your future husband to remember to make you a priority, especially after 5 years of dating. That would not be okay with me, were I in your situation.

But it's good that he's willing to compromise and move the dinner.
 

LaraOnline

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Messages
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Date: 4/19/2009 3:57:44 PM
Author: Salix

And, we had a huge talk. He apologized and said that sometimes it''s hard to remember to make me a priority when it has just been him and his family for so long. He agreed to move the dinner up a few days.
I''m so glad that he had seen your perspective a little more clearly, particularly following your last post, where you typed in a little more history.

Maybe it''s just me, but I was born in January, when we''re all exhausted after Christmas and New Year (and wedding anni) and so I really don''t get the whole ''big birthday fuss'' thing.

He has been with you for years, and he still prioritises sister''s birthDAY over you and your (joint) life??? Has been ''just him and his family''... for years???

He sounds slightly immature, or not quite aware of his new, grown-up circumstances. You have your diamond. You are fully intending to be fianced. Perhaps he had a fantastic childhood and has strong loyalty to his parents.

Great family life can lay an important foundation for later life, I hope he is getting ready to move on to the next phase.
It sounds like he''s getting there.
Obviously, it seems a commitment he is likely to take seriously.

Actually he sounds a little like my man... he held back a little until engagement / marriage and then whammo! super husband who just keeps getting better! My family was more distant in my own life than my DH''s family was in his, as well...

Congratulations on getting the assistance you need to succeed!
All the best with your study!!
 

sammyj

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Joined
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Messages
1,247
Date: 4/19/2009 3:57:44 PM
Author: Salix

And, we had a huge talk. He apologized and said that sometimes it''s hard to remember to make me a priority when it has just been him and his family for so long. He agreed to move the dinner up a few days.
Salix, your clarification post was great and I definitely don''t think you need a slap anymore! But, it''s the above sentence that sent up red flags for me. If you essentially consider yourselves engaged, and you''re a fiancee and not just a girlfriend, then essentially you''re his family. It shouldn''t be hard to remember to make you a priority, it should come naturally. You shouldn''t have to wave your hands in front of his face and say "Yoohoo, I''m here and I need you too!" I''m not saying that your SO doesn''t care about you, but I know many PSers who are married can back me up when I say that as a wife, you should be his #1 priority (and vice versa) - no ifs, ands or buts. If you''re already halfway there then it shouldn''t be such a task.

With that said, I''m glad you''ve both talked about it and there''s compromising on both ends. You sound very mature and I hope your move and clinical placement go well!
 

iheartscience

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 1, 2007
Messages
12,111
Date: 4/19/2009 9:20:53 PM
Author: sammyj
Date: 4/19/2009 3:57:44 PM

Author: Salix


And, we had a huge talk. He apologized and said that sometimes it''s hard to remember to make me a priority when it has just been him and his family for so long. He agreed to move the dinner up a few days.
Salix, your clarification post was great and I definitely don''t think you need a slap anymore! But, it''s the above sentence that sent up red flags for me. If you essentially consider yourselves engaged, and you''re a fiancee and not just a girlfriend, then essentially you''re his family. It shouldn''t be hard to remember to make you a priority, it should come naturally. You shouldn''t have to wave your hands in front of his face and say ''Yoohoo, I''m here and I need you too!'' I''m not saying that your SO doesn''t care about you, but I know many PSers who are married can back me up when I say that as a wife, you should be his #1 priority (and vice versa) - no ifs, ands or buts. If you''re already halfway there then it shouldn''t be such a task.

With that said, I''m glad you''ve both talked about it and there''s compromising on both ends. You sound very mature and I hope your move and clinical placement go well!
Ditto this! I didn''t think you sounded like a brat to begin with, but after reading your clarification post I did think it sounds like he doesn''t put you first, when he really should. After 5 years and a wedding date, you should be a major priority in his life. And I''m not sure how it''s just been him and his family for so long-I''d say dating you for 5 years is plenty long enough for him to remember you.
 

risingsun

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Joined
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Messages
5,549
Date: 4/19/2009 8:58:18 PM
Author: LaraOnline



Date: 4/19/2009 3:57:44 PM
Author: Salix

And, we had a huge talk. He apologized and said that sometimes it's hard to remember to make me a priority when it has just been him and his family for so long. He agreed to move the dinner up a few days.
I'm so glad that he had seen your perspective a little more clearly, particularly following your last post, where you typed in a little more history.

Maybe it's just me, but I was born in January, when we're all exhausted after Christmas and New Year (and wedding anni) and so I really don't get the whole 'big birthday fuss' thing.

He has been with you for years, and he still prioritises sister's birthDAY over you and your (joint) life??? Has been 'just him and his family'... for years???

He sounds slightly immature, or not quite aware of his new, grown-up circumstances. You have your diamond. You are fully intending to be fianced. Perhaps he had a fantastic childhood and has strong loyalty to his parents.

Great family life can lay an important foundation for later life, I hope he is getting ready to move on to the next phase.
It sounds like he's getting there.
Obviously, it seems a commitment he is likely to take seriously.

Actually he sounds a little like my man... he held back a little until engagement / marriage and then whammo! super husband who just keeps getting better! My family was more distant in my own life than my DH's family was in his, as well...

Congratulations on getting the assistance you need to succeed!
All the best with your study!!
I totally agree with you! If Salix's FF was my client I would be saying much the same to him. They will be forming a new family. Family of origin needs to be placed into perspective. If you cannot attend a birthday party, the world doesn't end. A similar situation just happened with one of my clients and the family is carrying on and attempting to make her feel shame. That's not the way you support your family. There will be another birthday. I posted my own experiences with moving prior to grad school. This is a matter for priorities. Adults need to differentiate from their first familiies, at some point. It's part of the developmental process. When you are in a clinical program, you need to be settled and centered before you begin or it can affect the outcome.
 

LadyBlue

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I''m glad he decide to help you for more days. Before i was going to said that sometimes you have to compromisse, he was going to help you 3 of 6 days, couples can not being together all the time.
 
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