Married/Engaged in early 20''s?

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 8/13/2009 7:04:23 PM
Author: 4ever

Date: 8/13/2009 6:37:08 PM

Author: musey

Date: 8/13/2009 6:31:06 PM

Author: 4ever

Date: 8/13/2009 8:32:44 AM

Author: Ellen

Date: 8/12/2009 9:26:17 PM

Author: ksinger

I''ll just be short and sweet here. I know several marriages that are quite long-term - 30+ years - and it seems that while they are all still married, they are living lives of quiet desperation.

Not perhaps what you wanted to hear, but it''s what I see.

''Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way''.... Don''t know why, but reading your post made this jump in my head.

And I know exactly what you are talking about. I think many more couples do this than one would think.

I think in all honesty this is what I''m most sacred of, not divorce. Like many other people here have said, for BF and I, divorce is not an option. I just don''t want to end up like my parents, lifes to short to be that unhappy.

See my earlier post for my opinion on the connection between ''quiet desperation'' and ''divorce is not an option'' attitudes.

There''s a disconnect here, you know? Life is too short to remain unhappy, but divorce is not an option?

I know, I know. It''s just like how I feel about my parents, I don''t want them to be unhappy living together, but I also really really don''t want them to get a divorce or seperate. Selfish of me isn''t it?

Um, yes. It is also not your decision in any way, shape, or form. I see no reason for anyone to continue living with someone that makes them unhappy. I will never understand "divorce is not an option", because what does that even MEAN? That you will stay with someone who hurts you emotionally, possibly physically, just because you want to cling to an ideal that no longer applies in this day and age?

 

[somethingshiny]

I completely understand the "divorce is not an option" even when living in "quiet desperation."

For some people, those vows are sacred and they will not break them. There is no need to belittle anyone who plans to keep their end of the bargain even if the other half is not.

My mom has lived in quiet desperation for most of her married life. While I wished at one time that she would find the strength to leave, I now see the strength she had to stay. The only reason being that she took vows to God and will not break them.

Is it right? That''s only for the people living it to know.

Everyone goes into marriage hoping for the best. Some people are willing to stay for the worst.

I am not advocating staying with an abuser, cheater, etc, (Lord knows I wouldn''t) but I don''t think anyone should enter marriage thinking divorce is an option. I think people should make sure of the decision before they say "I do." That''s just my .02

 

[musey]

Date: 8/13/2009 7:10:29 PM
Author: somethingshiny
I completely understand the 'divorce is not an option' even when living in 'quiet desperation.'

For some people, those vows are sacred and they will not break them. There is no need to belittle anyone who plans to keep their end of the bargain even if the other half is not.

And that's fine, but again I just felt the need to point out the disconnect on divorce is not an option vs. life being too short to live unhappily. Especially when you pile that on top of being in a relationship that's heading toward marriage at a young age.

I do think that people put too much pressure on marriage going in. This whole 'divorce is not an option' mentality is fine, but people take it, the idea of it, too far. Enough to the point that people seem terrified of divorce. They think about it, worry about it... instead of planning and building for the best, they fear and plan for the worst. In my very humble opinion, it just doesn't make for the best/happiest/healthiest relationships.

But what do I know, I haven't even been married a year.

My only point is that we worry too much. Give it the thought and concern it deserves, not more. So many people are living in fear of divorce. It happens, and it's okay. Life goes on. It really is not the plague people make it out to be.

 

[somethingshiny]

Musey~ There's a whole lot between "divorce is not an option" and "life's too short" but I understand what you're saying. When people spend too much time dwelling on the worst, the worst is often what happens.

eta~ I also want to add something about marriage in general (that I think is one reason that so many put SO much pressure on marriage to begin with.) It is naive to think that ONE person is going to fulfill your every need and desire. I happen to believe that the ONE person you choose should fulfill your sexual needs, but other than that you should have other people to round out your life. Expecting your DH to go shopping, watch chick flicks, hold your purse, talk about your hair and everything else is too much for most men to handle. That's what your girlfriends are for. Don't go into marriage thinking "he's the one and only and forever for everything." It doesn't work that way, at least not on the long haul.

 

[Dannielle]

Date: 8/13/2009 7:17:35 PM
Author: musey

Date: 8/13/2009 7:10:29 PM
Author: somethingshiny
I completely understand the ''divorce is not an option'' even when living in ''quiet desperation.''

For some people, those vows are sacred and they will not break them. There is no need to belittle anyone who plans to keep their end of the bargain even if the other half is not.

And that''s fine, but again I just felt the need to point out the disconnect on divorce is not an option vs. life being too short to live unhappily. Especially when you pile that on top of being in a relationship that''s heading toward marriage at a young age.

I do think that people put too much pressure on marriage going in. This whole ''divorce is not an option'' mentality is fine, but people take it, the idea of it, too far. Enough to the point that people seem terrified of divorce. They think about it, worry about it... instead of planning and building for the best, they fear and plan for the worst. In my very humble opinion, it just doesn''t make for the best/happiest/healthiest relationships.

But what do I know, I haven''t even been married a year.

My only point is that we worry too much. Give it the thought and concern it deserves, not more. So many people are living in fear of divorce. It happens, and it''s okay. Life goes on. It really is not the plague people make it out to be.

Very well said Musey.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I got married at barely 21 to a barely 19 year old guy... but I''d known him since I was 5 and he was 3 lol So yeah, we''re married 18 years now and still mostly happy and still as in love as ever - but definitely you have to learn to compromise maybe even more when you''re young and before you know what you''re getting yourself fully into where compromise is concerned. It''s not a surprise some people find they just can''t do it and maybe if you wait until you''re older you can choose with your mind a bit more and avoid some of it. But, nothing like good old fashioned love to base a marriage on lol

 

[gailrmv]

Yes - we were married in our early 20s and have been happily married many years now. It was hard in my early/mid 20s focusing on both marriage AND my career and supporting DH in his career, when most people my age were just focusing on themselves and their career. That was the only downside, but the pros of marrying young have far outweighed the cons and I would do it over again exactly the same way. To paraphrase Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally, when you meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. This was definitely the case for us. I have never regretted it for a minute.

 

[UCLABelle]

Date: 8/13/2009 12:16:15 AM
Author: Kaleigh
Engaged at 23, married at 24. We have been married for 23 years , together for 27.. Very happy. Two adult chldren, and are so blessed. I was a very mature 24 when I got married, and same with hubby. We had dealt with a lot growing up. So we knew what we were getting into. I can''t say it''s for everyone.. BUT for us, it''s been awesome.. I love him more now than ever,, I am very lucky.

I too felt a little more mature as well (i.e. finished two grad programs back east...lots of life experience). I got married at 23 (my husband was 30). We have known each other since 2001 when I started college (at 16). We got engaged after graduating UCLA (I was 20). Had a nice long engagement!

 

[Laila619]

I think getting married young can be tough, because the type of person you choose at 21 might not be the type of person you choose when you're 28. Your priorities might be different.

I was engaged once before at 22. That did NOT work out, but luckily I came to my senses and called off the engagement before we said I Do. We were both 22 and immature/inexperienced. Had we gotten married I think we would have been very unhappy.

I then met my DH at 25 and a half, got engaged at 26 and a half, and married at 27. So far so good!!

I am much more experienced, smart, and mature now. I knew exactly the kind of guy I was looking for. I am so glad I did not marry my ex fiance! WHEW!

 

[bobbin]

I will be engaged at 23 and married at 24/25. I am another ''old soul''. Someone who has known me about 18 months now was very surprised last night when I told her I was 22. She said "I knew you were young, but I thought that meant 26ish". So having lived with SO for coming up on 3 years and knowing that all our values match, I am pretty confident about going into marriage.

Musey - I really liked what you have to say about divorce. I am not a ''divorce is not an option'' person. I am going into marriage expecting it to be forever, but if I am living in quiet desperation and have taken steps to improve it but to no avail, divorce will always be an option. I also have some deal breakers - including any anger shown to children (which I don''t think SO could ever do, but my father did it to me so it is a deal breaker for me).

As for it being a generational thing, I have seen lately a real trend towards getting married earlier amongst people my age. Of my year 12 class, only three boys in the class are not engaged or married now - most of them were slightly younger than me as well, so are 21-22 now. It is interesting though that none of the women from that class are engaged or married, but quite a few are in long term relationships. On facebook I see countless people in their early twenties getting engaged at the moment.

 

[emilina22]

my husband and i have known each other since we were super young and our families knew each other for many years before that. We began dating when i was 15 and he was 17 we got engaged when i was 21 and he was 23 and we just got married 2 months ago, im 22 and hes 24. I think for us after being with each other for so long and the fact that we are very mature and responsible marriage was the next step in our relationship and i feel for us it was the right time. I can honestly say i cannot see myself with anyone but him and if we were able to make it through the many hurdles during the 7 years that we were together before we got married i am sure we can handle what the future has in store for us.

 

[waxing lyrical]

Engaged at 18 and married at 18. He was 19. I''ll be 25 soon. Still married.

 

[gwendolyn]

Interesting--James and I were talking about this yesterday on our drive back from visiting his family up north. It came up because we had been talking about me wedding dress shopping with J''s mom and sister, and his sister talked a lot about her wedding and her engagement party. Anyway, she got married at 25, which to me is fairly young, and I mentioned that, for me personally, getting married at that age would''ve been a terrible decision.

Anyway, we got to talking about our different perspectives on it. Most of my family and friends didn''t get married until their late 20s or early 30s, so even mid-20s seems young to me. We all went to university, and then went off and got jobs, and became independent. But James'' family and friends didn''t all go to uni (only one family member and one friend did)--they started working at 18, in some cases 16, and so ended up settling down with marriage and families earlier. So, it''s all just what you''re used to, I suppose.

 

[AGBF]

This was a different era, but one of my parents'' friends and the woman he was seeing outside his marriage both went through a lot to get divorces and marry each other, so it was done in their day, too. At any rate, my parents married in 1941. My father had turned 21 just 17 days before they married. My mother was 23. They were happily married for 66 years until my mother died at age 90. They were deeply committed to each other, but my father is able to continue living a highly productive life now (at 8. He still works (supposedly 10 hours a week, but really much more) as a social worker and uses the YMCA pool for an hour of exercise daily. He is a great man.

AGBF

 

[trillionaire]

FI and I have been together since we were 20/21. I don''t doubt that we would have been fine if we had gotten engaged/ married earlier. I was a bit surprised to hear him say that if we had gone to the same grad school (we both got into the same school, but decided not to go), that we would have been married already. I think he said that about a 1.5-2yrs ago, but it never even had occurred to me. I never wanted to get married before 27... and FI didn''t want to get married before 27/28.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

This is a really interesting discussion. BF and I both come from (different) areas of the US where most people marry young - the number of engagements, marriages and births on FB from high school classmates (and I''m 23 right now)...well it''s a lot. And pretty much all of BF''s high school classmates are long married (he''s 2. But we''re both a few years away from that..since we still have grad school to finish (starting our last year this year), want to work for at least a year, and save up money for engagement and marriage. In a way I''m a little jealous of my classmates who are married now, but on the other hand, I know I''m not ready to start a family, etc. at this point in my life.

 

[Haven]

Date: 8/13/2009 7:22:02 PM
Author: somethingshiny
Musey~ There''s a whole lot between ''divorce is not an option'' and ''life''s too short'' but I understand what you''re saying. When people spend too much time dwelling on the worst, the worst is often what happens.

eta~ I also want to add something about marriage in general (that I think is one reason that so many put SO much pressure on marriage to begin with.) It is naive to think that ONE person is going to fulfill your every need and desire. I happen to believe that the ONE person you choose should fulfill your sexual needs, but other than that you should have other people to round out your life. Expecting your DH to go shopping, watch chick flicks, hold your purse, talk about your hair and everything else is too much for most men to handle. That''s what your girlfriends are for. Don''t go into marriage thinking ''he''s the one and only and forever for everything.'' It doesn''t work that way, at least not on the long haul.

GREAT point, somethingshiny.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

My husband and I met for the first time when I was 12 and he was 14. We met online through AOL people search after I was bored at 2am and was looking for someone local to chat with. We spoke that night for a few hours and the next time I noticed him was half-way through my freshman year of high school. He had just transferred to my high school after leaving Catholic school. We never really talked in person until the next year.

The next year, I was always in his lunch period and we would have lunch together in a big group. We flirted through the whole year and became very friendly. At the very end of the year we decided to meet up one day to hang out and watch a movie. That one movie turned into a very long date and by the end we had decided to become a couple.

We became engaged when I was a sophomore in college. I was 18 and he was 19. We both knew that we didn''t want to get married until we were both done with college and we planned on a long engagement. Four years later I was half-way through my masters and he had finished his bachelors when we finally got married. I was 22 and he was 23, we got married on our 7 year anniversary.

We have now been married for over a year, together for over eight. We lived together before we got married and moving in together was the hardest part. It took us about eight months to get into a comfortable routine and ever since then, we have been relatively strife free. I have finished my masters, we are both working and we are moving into our first home in October. We don''t plan on having kids anytime soon and we are generally on the same page for most things.

We think the biggest key to our happiness in our relationship is not keeping things from each other and always making time for each other.

 

[NYCsparkle]

I didn''t get married until I was 29, but 6 of my friends got married before they were 25....all of them are now divorced....they all pretty much had similar reasons--they didn''t grow together....they THOUGHT they were ready...it just seemed like the next step since they were together for awhile..one friend liked the idea of planning a wedding

, but not the idea of a husband after the planning and "party" were over.

i do have 1 friend who married at 23 and is still married after 9 years, but she got married after she got pregnant and they have been to counseling a few times.

i think every couple is different, but when you are in your early 20''s you are still exploring life and figuring out where you want to be and what you want to do....its a time to be selfish with your needs and wants, because mariage is about compromise and its hard work--even when the time is right and you are totally in love. add kids to the mix and the stress level goes up even in the best of relationships.

it seems in nyc to be the norm to have what some call "starter marriages". there has even been a book written about it. my friend got it after she felt like a failure after her divorce. 5 out of my 6 friends are now happily married with kids and can look back at their ''starter marriages" as a mistake ---married for the wrong reasons.

 

[Diamond*Dana]

My DH and I met when I was 19, he was 21. We got engaged when I was 23 and married when I was 24. We have been married for almost 12 1/2 years and have 3 kids.

 

[geckodani]

Got married 2 days before my 24th Birthday. He was 25. It''s our 3rd anniversary today.

Are we insanely happy 100% of the time? Or course not, life is crazy and has its ups and downs. But I''d still rather love him while occasionally wanting to strangle him than be with anyone else.

I honestly don''t think age has much to do with those that stay together vs those that don''t.

My parents were married quite young, and were happily married until his death 14 years ago. 2 years ago, my mother remarried, at the age of 57. This marriage.... is not as happy as the last one. I don''t think they''ll get divorced, because my Mom''s not a big believer in divorce, but that said - it is definitely a possibility if things don''t turn around.

So in this case, the marriage at a young age was a happy one. And the one at an older age seems to have more trials.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 8/16/2009 6:59:40 PM
Author: Brown.Eyed.Girl
This is a really interesting discussion. BF and I both come from (different) areas of the US where most people marry young - the number of engagements, marriages and births on FB from high school classmates (and I''m 23 right now)...well it''s a lot. And pretty much all of BF''s high school classmates are long married (he''s 2. But we''re both a few years away from that..since we still have grad school to finish (starting our last year this year), want to work for at least a year, and save up money for engagement and marriage. In a way I''m a little jealous of my classmates who are married now, but on the other hand, I know I''m not ready to start a family, etc. at this point in my life.

Besides, you have two small children coming already - kittens! Lol!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I just got married at 22, and he was 26.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I am late to this, but still wanted to chime in.

My husband and I started dating in our late teens and celebrate our 10th dating anniversary and 2nd wedding anniversary this year. My family expected for us to become engaged when we were in our early 20''s, but quite frankly I don''t think we would have made it had we gotten married that young. Quite simply, I was focused on my individual growth during that time (college, establishing career, etc.) and it wasn''t the time in my life where I COULD put my relationship first, which is the kind of nuturing a marriage requires. D and I obviously made it through and we were very committed to each other, but the relationship was not my first priority. We did grow as a couple through that time, but I would say I grew more individually. I''ve noticed that the past several years have marked the most growth for us a couple.

Who knows, maybe we would have made it, but I do think that late teens/early twenties is a more selfish period in a person''s life when they are focused on fulfilling their individual goals and that can sometimes conflict with the ideals of a marriage where it is important to put the other person first.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Date: 8/17/2009 12:04:10 PM
Author: MonkeyPie

Date: 8/16/2009 6:59:40 PM

Author: Brown.Eyed.Girl

This is a really interesting discussion. BF and I both come from (different) areas of the US where most people marry young - the number of engagements, marriages and births on FB from high school classmates (and I''m 23 right now)...well it''s a lot. And pretty much all of BF''s high school classmates are long married (he''s 2. But we''re both a few years away from that..since we still have grad school to finish (starting our last year this year), want to work for at least a year, and save up money for engagement and marriage. In a way I''m a little jealous of my classmates who are married now, but on the other hand, I know I''m not ready to start a family, etc. at this point in my life.

Besides, you have two small children coming already - kittens! Lol!

lol! very true - we become a family of 4 in a month

 

[Cind11]

I did not read all the posts but here are my two cents. I got married when I was 22. I''ve been married for almost 28 years. I have read that divorce attorneys suggest that people wait until their late 20''s to get married. I somewhat agree with this. I think when you marry so young you frequently do not know yourself or what you want out of life. Throw another person into the mix and it becomes that much harder. I know I am a MUCH different person now than I was back then. I have told both of my daughters I hope they wait until they are older than I was before they marry.

 

[ericad]

Met DH when I was 20, he was 30 and here on a visitor visa from France. Engaged after 4 weeks (no, that''s not a typo) and married 4 months after we met (and no, it wasn''t "just" so he could stay in the country, lol). 12 years and a beautiful 4 year old daughter later we are still going strong! Like any marriage, there were bumpy times, but these weren''t due to age - more than anything the issues we had (and still have) are mainly due to cultural differences and 2 very strong personalities At 20, I was a bit of a wild child and he offered me lots of emotional stability and maturity, so age was not an obstacle for us. In fact, me being so young and our 10 year age difference may have contributed to our success. Our personalities also balance each other out - we are opposites in many ways. I''m even tempered, optimistic, impulsive. He''s...well, he''s French.

It was incredibly romantic, our whirlwind romance, and it''s been lots of fun to go from not having 2 sticks to rub together (living with my parents when we were first married so I could finish college and he could get his first job in the US) to seeing where we are now, how much we''ve accomplished. We certainly had every single odd stacked against us, and yet it worked out. I think it helped that we waited 7 years to start a family, took lots of time to get to know each other, traveled a lot, and increased our financial responsibilities gradually over time. If we had done things differently, had financial hardships and children to care for too soon, I don''t think we would have made it. Of course, this is very unique to each couple, but for us, taking our time is what worked, and we were lucky to have married young enough that we never felt time pressure at any step.

 

[Ara Ann]

I met hubby the first week I started college, I was 17 and he was 20. We started dating after my 18th b-day in November...he kissed me for the first time at midnight, the night I turned 18 and I have never kissed another man since. We got engaged a few months later and married at 19 and 22. We are each others ''first and only'' as well, which is something we both cherish and I think that does make a difference. We''ll celebrate our 23rd anniversary this April. We have two sons, 19 and 14... We will be young empty-nesters and have enjoyed our freedom as the kids have gotten older as well.

We still feel like newlyweds in many ways, but we have gone through hardships along the way...however is has been worth it...neither of us is perfect, but we have supported each other through each others ups and downs, in a way no one else could have. And as someone else said, we have also grown up together...you don''t get that kind of a bond when you meet/marry later in life.

I think in some ways people can become jaded as they get older, if they have been through several failed relationships... they then tend to look for ''the perfect person'' who they will always agree with and whom matches them perfectly....but perfection is an illusion, people are not perfect. My hubby is perfect for me, in his imperfection! Life is messy...people are messy...that''s when love and commitment take over, to get through the messy phases. Life comes in phases...some are great, some are horrible, but there is a lot of in between. Quiet desperation can be a passing phase in marriage if each person, or even one would start to work on themselves...there is no reason to be ''stuck'' in an unhappy marriage (aside from abuse, etc.), you always have a choice to make it better, even if you only work on yourself. Enthusiasm is infectious, if one person is truly happy, the other person will get on board eventually and discover something to make them happy. I''d hate to throw in the towel and divorce during a down phase because I am ''unhappy'' at that given moment.

Life is not all about being happy, a lot of life is just ''blah'', some is misery...some is painful, but I''d rather share all of that with my husband than with anyone else...understanding what marriage is supposed to be is or not intended to be, is the biggest difference between the generations, IMO. People from the older generations didn''t marry for ''happiness'' - they understood that love is a commitment and while marriage can bring happiness, it is not an every day guarantee.


My parents married at 19 and 21 and will celebrate their 60th anniversary this February... My in-laws celebrate their 50th this month.

Again, age isn''t as much of a factor as is having patience, forgiveness, love and understanding...if you posses those qualities at a young age, then marriage and life in general will be successful.

 

[librarychickie]

We were engaged and married at 22 --- BUT we had grown up together. We went to school together since the 5th grade. We started dating the second semester of our senior year in high school. By that time we had already decided on colleges, which turned out to be 500 miles apart from each other. We decided to break it off for college, but we kept coming back to each other. Five years later, we knew we were meant to be together.

We''ll be married 12 years this December, and we couldn''t be happier. I''d be lying if I said it was total bliss, b/c marriage is all about compromises. He''s in the Army, and he has deployed three times so far. Every deployment just reassures us that we''re meant for each other.

I don''t know if kids have anything to do with it, b/c we don''t have any. We''re not sure if we want any either. We''re definitely the "odd couple out" when it comes to Army get togethers, b/c it seems that everyone has at least three kids!

~LC

 

[exoticisabella]

Quick background:

I''m an only child raised by a single dad who worked long hours during tax season (he''s retired military, and then an accountant) which left me to take care of myself - and I

my dad more than anything, he really did a great job. My hubby came from a privileged family and never had to do anything for himself except get good grades in school and college. Anyway...started dating my hubby when I was 17 and he was 21. Married him one month after my 19th birthday, moved to a different town three months later after he graduated college. We had VERY different maturity levels. I was so independent and knew how to fix anything, cook anything, etc and I know that intimidated him

. The first three and a half years we were married I felt like I was living in hell, always fighting, he always wanted to play his computer games, wouldn''t go to councling with me, etc etc. Finally, one day he got angry and said "I should just divorce you!" I said, very seriously, "Okay, I will find us lawyers and figure out how to divide our things" (we were 22 and 26). Something clicked with him that day, and though he can still be quick to snap and hurtfull, he is also quick to appologize. I know that he has always loved me, I just don''t think he ever understood how to communicate or act in an adult way.

Do I think that the age in which you get married makes a difference - a bit yes. BUT I think the fact that divorce is so widly accepted as an easy solution makes a bigger difference. People will always be growing, learning and changing and to try to do that as a couple is HARD WORK! Here''s another question to ask...

In past generations women did not tend to work outside the home. Therefore they depended on their husbands for monetary support and likely did not have a place to go in the event of a rocky patch in a relationship. On the other hand, the husbands relied on the wives to care for the children (as daycare would cost money), take care of the house and make the meals. Could this "dependence" on each other have forced the couples to weather the storms while modern day couples choose to bail out instead?

btw...hubby and I have been married for 4 yrs 1 month now, together for about 5 1/2 and I hope to see us together in the long road ahead