Married/Engaged in early 20''s?

[4ever]

Anyone here get married or engaged in their late teens or early 20''s?

Did it work out?

Do you think the age you get married effects your likelyhood of getting divorced down the track?

 

[trillionaire]

I think it is specific to the couple/individuals.

I have two friends that were engaged at 23 yrs of age... they were both getting divorces within 3 years. However, as we are getting older, and older folks get married, there will no doubt be divorces among that set too. One big difference is those that got married young didn''t have kids yet, but older marriages will likely be in a rush to start a family, making stickier situations.

My sister is 4 years younger, and has plenty of married friends, and they are mostly still together.

 

[Hera]

I was engaged and married at 23. I think things can be a little rockier but I think as long as the couple grows together, I think they have a better chance at making it in the long run.

 

[4ever]

I'm wondering also if it's really age or just being abit too imature, naive or too idealistic that is the cause of a higher divorce rate amoungst young people.

 

[AprilBaby]

Engaged at 20, married at 21...still together 29 years later. It hasn''t been easy and marriage counseling helps but I think we can make another 29

 

[joflier]

I was engaged and married @ 20. He was 23. Both very mature for our ages. We divorced after just over 3 years. I don''t believe age was a factor for us at all.

 

[whitby_2773]

hi 4ever

i was 23 and my husband was 19, when we got engaged/married. so we had an average age of 21.5 yrs when we tied the knot. we''re currently home in australia from NY celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary with family and friends.

however, we can pinpoint a few things that made it work for us. tim was the sort of low drama, high commitment person who was BORN looking for a relationship to settle down into. he is not a high-thrill seeker. even at 18, when we started dating, it was clear he''d be able to maintain a commitment.

i''ve been inherently loyal all my life, and have a number of friendships that are 20/30/40+ years long. i hate ''losing'' people and will do whatever necessary to hold onto friendships in my life. they sometimes change form, but they''re rarely lost. so we were both just long term sorts of people by nature.

we were of a similar intellectual and socio/demographic group, so our idea of ''lifestyle'' was similar and our ability to understand each other was strong.

both sets of our parents were long term happily married, so we had no divorce template in our background.

we were both members of a church, as were our parents - a thing which, for whatever reason, is generally associated with lower divorce rates.

just statistically speaking, each of these things put us in the group which was more likely to succeed. combined, i feel they had a large positive impact. as a group of features, these things can outweigh something like ''early in life marriage'' which, statistically, is normally a big negative to longevity of a marriage.

hope this is useful info.

 

[Alienor]

I got married and engaged at 23. Being married at a young age can be tough at time because the maturity levels may vary from one spouse to another (one grows up while the other stays behind and vice versa). We had few bumps along the road but I would do it all over again. However, we both know how to communicate, compromise and know that no matter what, we are meant for another.
In short, no matter what age, marriage is work!

ETA: Divorce? Heck no! There is nobody else I'd rather be, no matter how rough the ride may be sometimes.

On an outside perspective, I have seen people getting married at a young age for all the wrong reasons (wedding day, the e-ring, social status, puppy love...).

 

[D&T]

Engaged at 24, him 22 married within three months after engaged. We're still married after five and half years. BIL engaged at 24 and his Ex-wife 19 after only six months off marriage -they are going through a divorce. So it really depends on the maturity of the couple imo

ETA: forgot to add that my mom 16 dad 23 (this was back in our native homeland) they've been married for almost 40 years now. They had some really really rough times but they have each other to always lean on.

 

[musey]

Date: 8/12/2009 8:00:16 PM
Author:4ever
Anyone here get married or engaged in their late teens or early 20's?
Did it work out?

<-- engaged at 22 married at (nearly) 24!
It's worked out so far, but it hasn't been a year yet

give us time

My parents married at 22 and they're still going strong with nearly 35 years of marriage.
My in-laws married at 24/25 and they're also closing in on 35 years.

Maybe they were lucky, maybe they were just smart about their decision, or some combination of the two. Who knows.

Do you think the age you get married effects your likelyhood of getting divorced down the track?

That's a big question!

I don't think age alone affects likelihood of divorcing, no. I think that a lot of things that commonly go along with being young (certainly not the least of which is being immature / not fully developed) can contribute to chances of divorcing later.

Doesn't really matter what I think, though! All I know is that my husband and I are mature adults, and made the decision to marry very responsibly, carefully and for the right reasons. We work hard at our relationship and have no plans to divorce in the future - but of course, one step at a time. That's about all we can do on an individual level.

 

[somethingshiny]

I agree that it is specific to the couple.

DH and I have been together since I was 17 and he was 18. We got engaged when I turned 18 and married when I was 19 and he was 21. We will be celebrating our tenth anni this month. We have one 3.5 yr old little boy.

My sis got married when she was 20 and has her final divorce hearing tomorrow. She's 23. They have a 2 yr old.

I think my sis and her H were much less mature than my DH and I at the same age. I also think that having a child was very hard on them. You really have to be willing to work and compromise in any marriage, but in a "young" marriage you also have to be willing to let the other person change and grow and just pray that you grow in the same direction.



eta~ I also think marriage statistics of your family are a HUGE indication of your own. There are only 3 divorces in my very large family. We know that "for better and for worse" are words to take seriously. I also think it depends on what "deal breakers" you have. I only have 2 deal breakers, I'm willing to forgive the rest.

 

[*Danielle*]

It depends on the couple and upbringing. My grandparents on my mothers side married at 18 and had over 55 years of happiness. Same for my great aunt and uncle.

 

[ksinger]

I''ll just be short and sweet here. I know several marriages that are quite long-term - 30+ years - and it seems that while they are all still married, they are living lives of quiet desperation.

Not perhaps what you wanted to hear, but it''s what I see.

 

[musey]

Date: 8/12/2009 8:29:43 PM
Author: 4ever
I'm wondering also if it's really age or just being abit too imature, naive or too idealistic that is the cause of a higher divorce rate amoungst young people.

I mean, think about it logically. There can be a million and one reasons why a couple divorces. Or maybe it's just one big reason. Who knows... no one can predict any of this. Sure, being "too immature" (whatever that means ), naive or "too idealistic" are sometimes not the greatest traits to go in to a marriage with, but certainly plenty of people who exhibit those qualities can and do go on to have very happy, healthy and successful marriages as they grow together.

I personally think it's silly to try to pick apart statistics in reverse, unless you have a lot of information to go off of... and even sillier to let statistics have any bearing on your life and decisions. Just be smart. If you don't feel ready to be married, whether you're 22 or 62, you're probably not. If you do, you probably are - because let's be honest, most people know somewhere, deep down, whether or not they're ready. We'd all do a lot better in life if we listened to that little nagging voice in our head.



To be perfectly honest, and this will probably sound weird and be an unpopular attitude, but I think marriages might have a better chance of happiness if both partners don't fear divorce as much as many people seem to. I hear a lot of people talk about divorce like cancer, or car accidents. In most cases, it's not some horrid turn of fate that happens to you, it's a choice that you make - and often many little choices that a couple makes over the course of their relationship. It's not the end of the world, it's a break up. We even have some PSers around who can attest to that.

Divorce is a rickety bridge across a ravine. You try to find another way across that ravine because come on, who wants to cross that rickety bridge? Some people don't even notice the bridge in the first place because their choices led them further down the river, where the ravine's calmed to a quiet creek. For those who find themselves at the bridge... sometimes you can find another way, sometimes you can't... but either way, you'll make it to the other side. Either way, you'll be okay.

If both partners look at it from that perspective, maybe it wouldn't be such a plaguing worry in the back of their minds. If we're worrying about something all the time, the chances are much greater that we'll become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

[lydia]

Married at 18 my husband was 21. We celebrated 29 years this past June and couldn''t be happier.

 

[NakedFinger]

I dont think the age necessarily matters, its the specific couple, maturity, and their situation/reasons for getting married may play a role.

My parents started dating when they were 12, got married at 19. They've been married for 27 years, together for 34. They are still out of their minds in love and deliriously happy (like still leave love notes by the coffee pot, celebrate their dating anniversary. say i love you every time they hang up the phone, dance every single time their wedding song comes on the radio. Literally every time. One time we were on the highway and my dad pulled over and dances with my mom on the side of the street

)

My FF and I have been together for 9 years. We waited until now to not be too young when we got married, but 9 years is longer then many marriages last, so while 25/26 is still on the younger side, I think its safe to say we have what it takes!

 

[upgrade]

I was engaged at 22 and married at 23. We''ve been together a little over 10 years and are as happy as we were the day we got engaged. I think age has very little to do with how long a couple will last. I think what matters is how much thought and commitment and consideration they put into their marriage. It''s how seriously you take your marriage vows that matters most in my opinion. Maybe the age statistic comes into play because some younger people are less likely to really consider what forever means before taking the plunge?

 

[4ever]

This is just somthing I''ve been thinking about lately, I guess I''m a naturally catious person and it makes me feel better to investigate all the potential outcomes of a desision, good or bad. Me being "too young" is my sisters primary reason for being violently oposted to my rather serious relationship with BF, it''s food for tought but I think that''s not a great reason by itself. Young marrage dosn''t automatically equal divorce and unhappyness. I may be young (21 in Oct) but I''ve always been told I am very sensable and mature for my age (the same can not be said for my older sister). My BF is 29 and eager to start settling down.

Ksinger- I didn''t really want to hear anything in particular. Although it''s reassuring to know it works for some people,
I''m a realist and I know not everything in life is a fairytale. And I know what you mean, my parents married young (though it was not considered young at the time) and I''d consider them one of those couples living in quiet desperation.

Musey- I agree, deep down people know weather something is right or not. I try to listen to that little voice but I''m such a indesisive person that it really is a challange.

Anyway, enough about me, I''m still keen to hear everyone elses experiences and opinions.

 

[cindygenit]

I got engaged when i was 21, early this year. I will be married when i''m 22. FI is ten years older than me.

I think it depends on the couple. You have to love each other enough and willing to work hard to to keep the relatioship together when problems arise.

Same here, btw, been told I''m an old soul. Oh well...

 

[oneandahalfrock]

I was engaged at 20 and married at 21- my parents were divorced (my dad on his second (now third marriage), my mom hasn''t remarried, even though its been almost 20 years now), his as well (both his parents are now remarried and I think their current SO''s suit them much better than they did each other) We''ve been married for a little over 4 years now, no kids.
We''ve come close to divorcing a few times... we''ve both had faults.
Would I do it again...?
No. Without a doubt I can say no. I was supporting him while he was finishing off his degree- not good for either of us emotionally, and to be honest, I''ve met people later who I thought I might be more compatible with.
I love my husband very much, and I can say now that we''re both working, I''ve worked my own work/life balance and we''ve both made the marriage more of a priority we''re doing much better. I am glad I married him, but again, would never do things the same way again.

 

[wolftress]

I think the success of a marriage or engagement depends on the couple and various sociological/environmental factors but will share my experience

Engaged at 19. Completely wrong, over possessive guy who was 9 years older.

Engaged at 23. Another completely wrong guy, too young for me with anger issues.

Engaged at 24/25 (can''t remember). Third time lucky. Happily married with three furbabies.

I still thank God every day that I didn''t marry FI 1 and 2 as I think I would have put my family through a lot of heartache when the marriages didn''t work out. My parents love DH and he is such a good fit with my extended family and friends, which FI 1 and 2 weren''t willing to go the extra mile to do.

 

[chiquitapet]

Started dating 9 years ago when I was 19, he was 26. Got married 4 years later (me 23, him 30) after 3 years of long-distance relationship and our families being against us. We still joke we are together against all odds.

We come from very different backgrounds, both culturally and socio-economically speaking. Somehow, we met and fell crazy in love. My parents almost stopped all contact with me when I refused to break up with my then BF - an asian boy, who wasn''t a doctor, a lawyer or a millionaire. Despite all blackmail from my parents'' side, we stuck together, grew together and developed a very strong relationship. We are very different individuals but so perfect together.

I think in our case getting married young actually was good for us. It allowed our families (esp. mine) to settle down and ''give up''. They realised this love was ''for real'', finally let go of their preconceptions and superficial ideas. My parents grew from hating my BF to genuinely liking my DH. It feels so good when the whole family gets along, as it was torture for me to have to choose between my family and my BF.

 

[Clio]

We got married when I was 21, and Steve was 23. Right out of college. We recently celebrated our 14th anniversary. After graduate school (for me), two cross-country moves, and 3 kids, we are still thriving. In many ways, we grew up together.

My parents got married at 19 and 22, and they''re closing in on their 40th anniversary. They are the couple that no one thought would make it, but they''re still happy. We''re all going on vacation together next week to celebrate my dad''s 60th birthday.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 8/12/2009 10:29:53 PM
Author: chiquitapet
Started dating 9 years ago when I was 19, he was 26. Got married 4 years later (me 23, him 30) after 3 years of long-distance relationship and our families being against us. We still joke we are together against all odds.


We come from very different backgrounds, both culturally and socio-economically speaking. Somehow, we met and fell crazy in love. My parents almost stopped all contact with me when I refused to break up with my then BF - an asian boy, who wasn''t a doctor, a lawyer or a millionaire. Despite all blackmail from my parents'' side, we stuck together, grew together and developed a very strong relationship. We are very different individuals but so perfect together.


I think in our case getting married young actually was good for us. It allowed our families (esp. mine) to settle down and ''give up''. They realised this love was ''for real'', finally let go of their preconceptions and superficial ideas. My parents grew from hating my BF to genuinely liking my DH. It feels so good when the whole family gets along, as it was torture for me to have to choose between my family and my BF.

I''d love to hear more of your story in its own thread! I have a similar situation, and it is incredibly difficult.

 

[4ever]

Date: 8/12/2009 10:39:17 PM
Author: szh07

Date: 8/12/2009 10:29:53 PM
Author: chiquitapet
Started dating 9 years ago when I was 19, he was 26. Got married 4 years later (me 23, him 30) after 3 years of long-distance relationship and our families being against us. We still joke we are together against all odds.


We come from very different backgrounds, both culturally and socio-economically speaking. Somehow, we met and fell crazy in love. My parents almost stopped all contact with me when I refused to break up with my then BF - an asian boy, who wasn''t a doctor, a lawyer or a millionaire. Despite all blackmail from my parents'' side, we stuck together, grew together and developed a very strong relationship. We are very different individuals but so perfect together.


I think in our case getting married young actually was good for us. It allowed our families (esp. mine) to settle down and ''give up''. They realised this love was ''for real'', finally let go of their preconceptions and superficial ideas. My parents grew from hating my BF to genuinely liking my DH. It feels so good when the whole family gets along, as it was torture for me to have to choose between my family and my BF.

I''d love to hear more of your story in its own thread! I have a similar situation, and it is incredibly difficult.

Ditto - Sounds like a wonderfull story. I can kind of relate, BF and I really did fight the odds to be together and we feel really lucky that we never gave up when it was hardest. These kinds of stories are really lovely to hear.

 

[lyra]

I don''t know many people these days who have successful marriages when they marry very young. I''m talking about people I know, friend''s kids, friends of friends, friends of my kids. So really, it may be a generational thing just like it was when our parents were married. I got married at 21 after knowing my husband a year (he was 23 the month we got married). It''s been 26 years this year. My daughters are 19 and 22, and one doesn''t see marriage in future for a very long time, like into her 30''s and only maybe. The older one has told me frankly that although she really wants to have a family, she''s having a hard time grasping the actual committment required of being together *forever* that comes with marriage. So to me it looks like their generation has a different outlook, and committment issues.

 

[Lilac]

I think it really depends on the couple. My parents got married in their mid-late 20s and ended up divorced a couple years later. DH and I met when I was 16 and he was 17 and we''ve been together for 5 years now.

When we got engaged I was 19 and he was 21. We got married 6 months ago (I was 20 and he''s 22). Right from the start we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together and have always treated our relationship and each other with respect and devotion. We have been through a lot of happy times and hard times and we have never EVER once considered breaking up (when we were dating) or divorcing (now that we''re married). Divorce isn''t even a word mentioned in our house because it''s so out of the realm of possibility for us (and I know divorce does happen - my own parents are divorced - but I just know that it isn''t even a possibility for us).

I know it''s only been 6 months since our wedding, but in the 5 years we have been together I have never once imagined my life without him, even in the worst and most difficult of times.

I have a lot of friends my age and even older who are immature, selfish, and marry for all the wrong reasons. I think it definitely depends on the individuals in the relationship, their expectations going into the marriage, how well they know each other, and how mature they are.

Although DH and I have only been married 6 months, my grandparents and parents still comment on how it seems like we''re much older than we are based on our approaches to marriage and each other. We have each changed a LOT these last 5 years, but we grew TOGETHER and are even closer now than ever before. I think that''s the main thing - growing TOGETHER rather than growing apart. People will always change as they get older, but if you can grow together with your spouse and put in time and effort to stay connected, you have a much better chance of staying close and together throughout the years.

 

[Miscka]

Date: 8/12/2009 10:12:59 PM
Author: oneandahalfrock
I was engaged at 20 and married at 21- my parents were divorced (my dad on his second (now third marriage), my mom hasn''t remarried, even though its been almost 20 years now), his as well (both his parents are now remarried and I think their current SO''s suit them much better than they did each other) We''ve been married for a little over 4 years now, no kids.

We''ve come close to divorcing a few times... we''ve both had faults.

Would I do it again...?

No. Without a doubt I can say no. I was supporting him while he was finishing off his degree- not good for either of us emotionally, and to be honest, I''ve met people later who I thought I might be more compatible with.

I love my husband very much, and I can say now that we''re both working, I''ve worked my own work/life balance and we''ve both made the marriage more of a priority we''re doing much better. I am glad I married him, but again, would never do things the same way again.

I just wanted to comment on this. This is one of the most honest posts I have read on PS, thank you for sharing your viewpoint.

I married "young", though in my part of the US I am definitely in the average, at 24 (DH 25). I would never presume to understand the affects of age on marriage, but I will tell you that obviously, everyone is different, and some people see marriage differently than others, and some people are less mature at 40 than others at 25. Like some of the other posters, DH and I are "old souls", both worked hard since very young ages, etc.

One thing I have noticed in our young marriage (as in, married a few months) is that it is HARD to adjust the way I am used to living to how we as a unit want to do things. I cannot imagine how much harder that would be had I had more years on my own under my belt. Not saying that would have been bad, just very different.

As far as family predictors, his parents are still together, and I have learned a LOT about what *not* to do from my four-times-married father.

 

[upgrade]

Date: 8/12/2009 11:49:47 PM
Author: lyra
I don''t know many people these days who have successful marriages when they marry very young. I''m talking about people I know, friend''s kids, friends of friends, friends of my kids. So really, it may be a generational thing just like it was when our parents were married. I got married at 21 after knowing my husband a year (he was 23 the month we got married). It''s been 26 years this year. My daughters are 19 and 22, and one doesn''t see marriage in future for a very long time, like into her 30''s and only maybe. The older one has told me frankly that although she really wants to have a family, she''s having a hard time grasping the actual committment required of being together *forever* that comes with marriage. So to me it looks like their generation has a different outlook, and committment issues.

As a member of that generation, I''d say you''re probably right. There are many, many people of my age group who just don''t take the committment seriously. Divorce seems to be no big deal for a lot of people (there are many exceptions, of course). I think the whole cavalier attitude towards divorce in general is what''s contributing to the high divorce rates. My (divorced) mother actually told me, when I announced my engagement "Congratulations- and hey, if it doesn''t work out, you can always get divorced!" I just about tore a strip off of her.

4ever- I was 21 when I met my dh and he was 30. We were ready. I was a very mature and responsible 21 and we just *knew* it was the right thing. If you know in your heart that it''s right, don''t worry about what your sister says. Maybe she''s jealous...

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 8/12/2009 11:49:47 PM
Author: lyra
So to me it looks like their generation has a different outlook, and committment issues.

Don''t worry, not all of us.

I agree with the others here that it depends on the dynamic of the couple and of course the individuals themselves. Age is a number..and being 35 vs. 25 does not automatically guarantee a more stable marriage. What I do think that those who are say 30something have that a lot of 20somethings is more definition. What I mean by that is most people at 30something know who THEY are..and by knowing who you are it''s a lot easier to work out who you are together. When everything is still taking shape and so greatly in flux you have to be willing to grow together and change together otherwise you will most surely fail. This is still true when you marry at 30omething (needing to grow together, etc.), but I think that less is still taking shape at 30something. Most people have their careers defined, goals for life defined, are more financially stable, etc. Is this universally true? Nope. Never is..never will be. DH is 23 almost 24 and I am 22..our wedding was in June. Both of our parents have been together over 20 years (25 years for my parents in December) and what we''ve learned from both of them..is relationships (all relationships), but especially marriages take work, love, and friendship. If you can keep all of those things..and change with each other and work together in good times and bad then I think nearly anyone can make it..regardless of 20something or 30something. It''s about teamwork, cooperation, and living for more than just yourself and what YOU want. When you say "I do" (or whatever you say) it''s no longer about you..it''s about us/we/etc. Simply put..as I read a celebrity say recently..divorce simply isn''t an option. It''s never an option for us. We will do what it takes to make our marriage work in good times and bad. Just my opinions though..take it or leave it as you wish.