Marriage and other options

[Gypsy]

So I was with my ex for 20 years. Married for 11 of those years. And it wasn't a huge pain getting divorced logistically. It just cost money. He was reasonable, I was reasonable. We have no kids and we divided everything just fine. The relationship ending was the brutal part, not the divorce itself. My current partner is wonderful and I want to spend my life with him, and he with me. He's happy to do either: keep on as we are or get married or something else.

But I never thought I'd get married again. Just because: it seems like a relationship tax. You have to pay a fee to file for one. Pay get out of one. I don't need the government to sanction my relationship commitment. Except I do, because of the rights in confers.

What I want is a small ceremony for us and just our very closest friends, where we can declare our commitment in front of our loved ones. That was the BEST part of my previous wedding day. Just being able to say: "this is us, and we want to celebrate us with you." And I can have that without the paper. But I won't get the medical rights, and decision making rights, etc, because my state (regretably TX right now) doesn't recognize domestic partnership/civil unions, even if I file for one in another state (very irritating there is no sister state reciprocity for that). And the Feds don't recognize it either.

I am trying to figure out a way forward. And it seems within the scope of current laws marriage is the best option to get us the benefits of partnership there.

I am still uneasy about it. I have to figure out what marriage means to me. What does marriage mean to you?
(
I think the issue is that I felt trapped by my marriage. I stayed in it far longer than I should have because I was trying to make the marriage work. Because to me marriage means lifetime commitment and that you make it work every day. But my partner is different and I am different. My life is different. So why am I still so against marriage?

I was to be his spouse. I just don't want to get married. It's not logical. Any thoughts, advice, ideas?

 

[seaurchin]

Well, as you say, getting legally married or not each come with their own benefits and drawbacks.

You don't say how long you've been with the current guy but another option might be to not do anything right now, to just wait a while and see if you do come around to a strong preference one way or the other. Best wishes.

ETA: I think there are also ways to keep your assets and so on separate even if you do get married, which might keep things more simple.

 

[pearlsngems]

You can also make each other your health care proxy, give each other power of attorney etc.

 

[Matata]

Whichever path you choose, make sure that all legal loose ends are tied up. Marriage, imo, is for legal protection and has nothing to do with the romantic part of a relationship.

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

Ooo I am so glad I came across this because I’ve thought of similar questions around remarrying. Im not in the position to do so right now and heckity heck divorce is SO HARD. You don’t know much of an impact it puts on your life until it happens.
Anyway, do you have thoughts on prenups, postnups, etc?
I don’t want to get married again either, it’s too much, but as you said the legal “perks” is making me think if ever did I would have the most solid and detailed prenup and postnup possible.

 

[dk168]

I believe my ex-husband raised the question about marriage after a life-changing event for him.

We had nothing in place, his house, my flat, no joint accounts as we were both financially independent, and no kids.

However, he had another property, and he looked after his family (parents as well as siblings).

I am guessing getting married would make our relationship legal should anything happened to either of us.

We drifted apart and developed into a relationship that was more like brother and sister rather husband and wife.

When I met my late partner, he provided the fireworks that was missing in my marriage, and I decided to leave my then husband.

I was with my late partner for about 4 years before he died of an accident.

When he was alive, he kept advising peeps the importance of leaving a will etc...

Low and behold, it transpired he did not leave a will, and I was pushed and cut out of everything when his family realised there was no will. The change in their behaviour towards me was so sharp and cutting it still hurts to this day.

Anyway, it is highly unlikely I would meet anyone romantically now as I truly CBA to get involved with the dating scene. Therefore, the chances of me getting married again is practically zilch, zero!

Personally, I am not bothered to get married so as to make everything legal.

If and when I manage to find someone I would like to share my life with, I would arrange to have something that would be legally binding in place, so that whatever is mine will remain as mine if we decide to split up.

I am acutely aware that I am considered as a 'good catch' being a holder of a full British passport and financially independent.

Good job I learnt my lessons to be wary of romance scams early, twice, and had lost only a small amount of money.

As soon as anyone asked me for money, I would clamp shut and walk away. This happened a few times with internet dating. With hindsight, I was probably too honest about being a HCP, financially independent and with no dependents in my profiles.

I thought about trying internet dating again, with a profile that says I am a single mother with 2 kids, and live in rented accommodation, etc. etc...

I decided against it as I am no good at lying! More importantly, I do not have the time to spare or the inclination to spend time looking for that special someone, as I am happily single with a cat and a dog.

I am alone but never lonely. If I have time to spare, I sleep!

Not sure if any of the above helps.

Good luck!

DK

 

[kenny]

... Any thoughts, advice, ideas?

Yeah.
Get the hell out of Texas!

 

[MissGotRocks]

I think you will eventually come to terms with the two sets of realities concerning marriage. I think there are legal steps to protect yourself in both scenarios. In this instance, I understand the desire to marry and on the other hand, the reluctance. This is different than a 20 something couple wanting to spend their lives together and welcoming the commitment. I would do nothing in the short term. This is a decision to be made by the two of you - not by you alone. Just because he says he will do whatever, surely he is leaning one way or another. Just take a deep breath and keep talking to one another. Should you decide to marry, get a prenup that speaks to both of your interests. At least you would find some comfort knowing your assets are protected in case you should find yourself unhappy in the marriage. Just my .02! All the best to you as you explore the options!

 

[LilAlex]

Huge potential federal income tax benefit to MFJ vs. a pair of single-filers. (I know I'm very romantic.)

Impressed that your prior divorce was amicable and relatively trouble-free -- so you should be less remarriage-averse than most yet you are still conflicted. I think that is an important voice to listen to.

I agree with @MissGotRocks -- no rush and get a prenup.

The health-care proxy stuff is not a huge deal, imo. When you show up with him and say you have been his domestic partner for x years and are "basically his wife" (have heard this a thousand times) and there are no kids in the mix (and you are not insane), they will listen to you and respect your wishes on his behalf (and vice-versa).